suicidalbitchie

[suicidalbitchie]

whenever I think about you, it’s like my heart suddenly pulls against gravity

against my skin

from how much it yearns for your presence that it leaves my body hanging down, lingering, tingling

through every sensory that I have

sends waves of emergency down my spine

and up my mind

I use the leverage of grieving to try forgetting about a love that history will not write about

because only you can only write about our love and be heard,

but you won’t even think about me any longer and it just got me

wondering

of how it would be like to have you here

to have the least form of your company back

the least form I could get right now of anything of you, and it can hurt so much

knowing

that even the very least of you being here to witness my downfall is impossible to imagine,

but you don’t know that in my worst days I still think of you

and at my best I can only dream

just for a fleeting moment.

I regret making you let me go

even after all of what you’ve done to me.

I still kiss you in front of strangers

so they can treat your name with kindness

so they can think positively

if you were to get just a little bit more fame and recognition

the one you always wanted

every time I look at the tattoo that I have of your face it gets me thinking about

when did I know you were leaving so soon because I have,

I must have imprinted you forever on my body because I knew that you were going to abandon it at some point

and that was the last memory I can form of you leaving

and staying

at the same time

remember that day?

i came to you with a wounded wing

and you treated me with so much care

that even though it left a scar that will forever be

it didn’t hurt even when i was sticking needles in

it didn’t hurt me as much as you, when you

were actually gone and no longer here

I wish

I so wish

that I could hug you right now,

but I can only hold myself

when I do because

the only part of you

that lives here is within me

even though I wake up and an environment that doesn’t have any trace of you

i still grow feeling like a tree that never stops getting old

rooting

in the driest of the desert

and thy mountains.

[suicidalbitchie]

I crack beneath the

weight of guilt on my

shoulder and head

But the grounds too

hold my tragedy

for unrooting a spring forest

and turning it to a wasteland

For picking every last cherry blossom

and putting them in my room

so I can come back for the flowers

when I need them

i know in my heart that

the soft pinks will turn muddy grays and rot and smell foul

But my heart also says the views are clear now that it's safe

One day I may plant one or two on the fertile lands before winter comes

It's too late to put together a forest again

and the thought make my knees buckle

But maybe I can make the most of a small garden of cherry blossoms and sunflowers

[suicidalbitchie]

it’s weird that

i sometimes find myself at you

like right back at you

it’s either we’re talking

or i’m talking about you

or i’m talking to you in my head

like having full ass conversations with you about all the things i wish i could get out of my mouth and every interaction we had and everyone i wish to have

and it’s weird because it’s not obsessive

i know having you consume at least 70% of my allowance of brain capacity might come off as obsessive from the way i’m talking

but how can i not when i have all this in me and i have no where to put it?

where do i leave it when i know it’s my responsibility to carry

but there’s so much more in me then what my appearance actually imply

and that how i care for you is so quite

even my rage is just a muted gunshot heard from afar

like the thinnest breaking glass ever known to history

and my sadness is a melted snowflake

that keeps on reattaching itself because what is the meaning of a life if i can’t hold it together

i forgot what is it like to live in the shadows of your absence

just walking in the street and seeing a shadow now HURTS just for the idea that one day i had a day without you

and one day i actually might

and i have no idea how is it like to not be human

even though i am the most alienated human the universe can witness

i never had a place to fit in, i never had a place to begin with

i was never fully capable of being myself, and i was never fully capable of letting go

and i know me saying this might backfire

and i know everything in the world tells me not to weakens myself

and not to expose what’s in me to mankind

i even know that this is not the kind of exposure you expect from me

but you are the root of its entire existence

i plea to show you what is it like to live the life you shape me to live

when this is who i actually am

and this is what i’ve became

just like how i wish to be shaped into everything that shaped you to who you are

with its ugliest forms

but my humanity restricts me from being everything that i once aspired to be

and the weight of the reality crushed me

yet somehow

the idea of your existence makes me breathe a little

makes me feel a little

and all of these feels

are just so little

of what i go through

[suicidalbitchie]

it’s okay

it’s okay if you were with someone else

it’s okay

i love you now, it’s too late

it’s okay

you can be touched by people

as many people as you want

and you can be loved by them too

it’s okay

it’s okay

you deserve it

you deserve all the love in the world

i should be happy for you

so i am

i am happy that you’re going better

and i’m happy that i get to see it and experience some of these moments with you

it’s okay

i’m sorry

i should’ve known that what i was doing was wrong to begin with

i should’ve put myself in your shoe

i wasn’t being considerate

i was wrong

i know that now and i’m willing to pay for it it’s okay

it’s okay

you’re here and it’s what matters

your happiness is what matters

it’s okay

no more hurtful actions

i’m sorry

i know it’s not an excuse but i was just so scared to love you

but it’s okay

i love you now

i gave in

it’s okay

i’ve been fighting it for as long as i can

but i no longer want to

because a war will hurt other people in the process, it’s not a one on one battle

and i my dear fear that i’ve might hurt you in the process and the moment i saw you wounded i was torn apart

the blood was covering my eyes that i couldn’t see you’re the one bleeding

and for that

i can’t begin to tell you how sorry i am to have caused you this misery

or even leaving you in yours

for years i’ve been selfish

but no more

no more

i love you

it’s okay now

you were right

that wasn’t very unconditional love from me

and that’s not what i’m trying to do here right now

i just now that i love you

and i want to give you all the love and comfort and peace that there is in this world

so it’s okay

i’m human too

i will make mistakes but i promise i will learn from them

i’ll do better

i promise i’ll try my best to be better

in general better

i want to do better

it’s okay

you’re worth it and even more

it’s okay

i’m doing this for the better

i’m sorry if i get a little obsessive sometimes

i promise i’ll try

it’s okay

i’ll wait here

until something happens

i now know the burn i burnt for the idea of someone to touch you

to look at your direction

to be walking and breathing the same

i now know the ache this thought follows

so i won’t be touched by another

just for the possibility of you burning

and for the fact that every other touch feels like it would rotten my skin as it’s not your hand touching me

like i can only belong to you

like how i would be nothing without you

or at least i wouldn’t

i wouldn’t be me anymore

with no strings attached i’ll wait for something to happen

maybe i’ll forget quietly and move on

and maybe it’ll take the death of me to know what sleeping without having to think of you is like

and maybe

just maybe

we will lay on the grass together

leaving a bed in our shapes, holding each other

with the softest gaze and the chipper of every bird rooting for us to kiss

or we’ll be on the road somewhere laughing about something you told your lover that made her laugh, and i’ll laugh too

because i love you too

[suicidalbitchie]

Everytime i ask myself

but how am i going to forget?

how can i?

Who am i to forget the effect of a touch?

of a look?

of a smell?

of a feeling of safety and comfort?

how can i be so cruel to me to forget such passion and intimacy?

But right then i hear a reply

so sharp i could've swear it can cut me into two clean halves

A letter unseen by everyone but every letter in it appears into my eyes as clearly as can anyone with a good sight sees it says:

“I've always been mean to you

so what's the news of me being cruel, right?

you wouldn't understand now, and I'm not sure if you will ever do

you will forget

just look at yourself

look

at what you've been living for your whole past, present-life

You've been through hell and back and you still go through the same shitty stuff over and over again

everyday once you open your eyes until the moment of them closed

can you explain to me how you're so capable of survival?

I. Do. It.

i make you forget.

i make you bear it.

just like how i put you through it, i get you out of it.

So don't you ever question my powers, instead why don't you look at the past?

how you were swearing to your friends that you can never love anyone more than your loved ones?

and now they're are completely gone, along with your friends of course

remind me how many times did this happen until now?”

[suicidalbitchie]

reading Bonnie Burstow’s “often father and daughter” and the amount of things i realized

i never really know what a mum’s love and affection is

i never got to experience it in its typical ways, maybe i was only met with it in an odd way and for a short period of time in my early years, maybe

but i would never

ever

help taking down a mom

like a real mom

like a victim that went through all of this

but then again

i remember seeing this for the first time

my sister was sitting in the living room

she was talking to my dad about something

and mom tried to engage in the conversation

they looked at her as if she was nothing and smirked at each other while is telling her to go make something to eat instead cause he’s SO hungry

and i still have that rage inside me

that rage is helping me keeping her alive

even though whenever it was me, she never really tried

[suicidalbitchie]

grieving

grieving

constantly grieving

The gaps between the sunlight haunts me with your absence .

[suicidalbitchie]

[suicidalbitchie]

The promise that we made that day when we were sitting late at night made me think about a lot of things.

It essentially made me think about the way that you view me therefore the way you receive our promise together like how serious are you

you know?

Like I keep thinking

if I died, you would resent the idea of traveling anywhere, because of how it resembles my existence in your life and now that I’m gone, it’s pointless because the promise that was made regarding this event is broken, because I am no longer existing

you know?

or are you going to travel and be there anyway and one time when you’re there you’re just gonna stare somewhere preferably a sunset and remember me for a glimpse of a moment.

Remember me all the love I tried to give you all the love I wanted to give you, still do, still do.

All the things I wanted to experience with you

all the plans I have for you

the happiness I wanted to guarantee you

everything everything

you know?

do you think the memory of me would wash off with time or would it be subtle like a fleeting whisper passing by , just a memory, a tickle a little bit in the back of your brain or in your stomach and then it passes by?

because if it’s the latter, I would be very upset but not disappointed you know even such a representative is too much from you because I don’t deserve you.

You deserve so much better than me and we know like I know you know we all know

we don’t really care or so I would like to think so

I saw you disappear to be

which is you know okay

it is okay

because it’s not about me it’s about you.

You are so kind you are so wonderful.

You are so loving and kind and caring all the good things I can describe , from the moment I started seeing it the day I stop

but would you just spare me a little bit of your time?

so I can stare at every inch of your face and memorize as much as I can every detail, every wrinkle, every freckle

the life that shaped you into who you are

because I am mesmerized by the idea of your existence

you are beyond amazing

you are beyond every star in my sky even on its brightest day

you are beyond pieces of the moon blasted by the sun.

You are beyond any brain or comprehension to rationalize how the fuck are you the way you are

you’re the best thing that can happen in anyone’s life and I know so because you’re the best thing that happened to mine

and my life is pretty hard

you know?

like bad

and now that I’m away from you

it’s even harder to concentrate

you know?

I’m not trying to make this about me

about you being the center of my life

because that’s not the case but it’s just that my way of perceiving life is a bit complicated

and the only thing that gives my meaningless life its hint of mercy like a gentle touch to comfort me

peace, stability, and happiness

just for a moment even just for a moment.

No, you’re gone but you’re not really gone.

I’m grateful you’re not gone.

You’re still here but you’re never really here

you know?

only in such a few moments which I’m very grateful for by the way that you’re actually present

then poof, disappear, which is also okay because I know you

I know if you had the time, you would be here because this is who you are as a person

you are so good to me

you are too good to me

and I love you, so oh I love you so so much

so much more than you can imagine.

I am trying to survive so I can come back to you

because I want to come back to you so bad

it’s a possibility of seeing you, my daily life, I want to gamble every second of it every moment, I hold onto it if you look every chance only so I get a glimpse of your eyes and hold onto it

please

please

I just want to see you

I just want to be around you

I want away to love you

I want a way to hold you

I want to wait

to help you

I just want a way out.

 I just want to find my way back to you

I want to find my way to you

[suicidalbitchie]

i had a dream

you and i were in a place

a cafe

where no one knows me

and no one knows you

they give us our drinks

i ask them not to pass by again while shaking

i wish i would but it’s too embarrassing

they leave

and i look at you

and you look at me

i hold your hand

and decide to sketch you

and you’re sitting in front of me

looking

and i’m sketching

i put my eyes down looking at my sketch

i look up to you

i watch your skin

every bit of hairs in your face

every trace

i look to your eyes

i catch you looking

i look down

i draw a curve i don’t like

i’m erasing it

my tears are falling

i’m crying softly

i look up to you

i watch your fingers

up your arm

slowly till i meet your warm smile

and those sad eyes

you know how i want to scream

i want to bury myself in every part of you

i want to be every piece you are

and every piece you gave away

i want to spend more with you

i demand the universe to leave me be with you for a moment

i love every single moment

i hate it when you’re far

help me capture this

help me save us

raise your hand

reach my face and wipe my tears

calm my storms

fight my demons

or at least tell me to

or look at me

just look at me

with these soft eyes

and this mesmerizing gaze

the longing

the wait

the silence

the fate

let me have you

with my eyes

just for a moment

let me hug the air you breath

and choke on my heavy blood

let me know when you get bored of me

i’ll take my things and leave

i won’t disturb you

i’ll leave quietly

i’ll leave but i’ll leave the sketch i had of our hands with you

i couldn’t draw your face

i cried every time i looked at it

you’re so beautiful

how can i feel all of this for you and you feel nothing

do you feel nothing?

can i leave my sketch with you?

would you hang it up your wall and look for me in it every night thinking about how you could’ve saved this?

how you could’ve saved us?

how we could have had this?

how we could have had us?

maybe then you’d know how it feels like

it’s okay

you can go to sleep

i’ll watch over you

because it’s tiring

waking up everyday

waiting to tell you that

i had a dream

[suicidalbitchie]

i want to have sex with you

i want to have sex with you

not because of the sexual part

it is not my target

i desire to be intimate with you

because intimacy with you

this amount of intimacy with you

is the only time where i feel your feels for me

when you look at me with so much longing

with so much comfort

with so much love

a love that is greater than all forms of love

a love i can’t stop craving even though i only got a glimpse of it

i would want to crawl under your skin

not in a scary way

in a smooth painless way

where i just merge within every organ tissue and cell you have in you

in me

in me

in

me

if you’d let me

i would want to hold you so tight i would squeeze all of the burdens off of your system

for you to be so small for me to hide you within my rips

for me to carry you in my heart

maybe then

maybe then

you wouldn’t have to be so away from me

i wouldn’t have to always want you like this

if you let me

if you only let me

i would love you so much that the very touch on the barrier of your skin would feel damaging

because your iceness towards my fire melt my love to make you look so soft and tender

and my great love to feel so intense

that it would break your soft skin

and how i would hate it if only one split of hair gets hurt because of me

if you get hurt within me

then what the point of me

being with you

if i can’t protect you

if i can’t save you

then i can’t save myself

and if i can’t save myself

let’s just say

that no matter where the sea takes me

even if i go with a memory

or a japanese farewell

i’ll always look for you

in every life i have i’ll look for you

i found you here

and i’ll find you

i’ll find you

so will you please

please

find me?

find me

find me

find me

find me

find me

find me

find me

[suicidalbitchie]

But an unquenchable love for you has never left me...

{Quotes: Alejandra Pizarnik, Approximations/Simone de Beauvoir, from Diary of a Philosophy Student: Volume 2, 1928-9; Sunday, October 7/chen chen, nature poem in ‘when i grow up i want to be a list of further possibilities’/sue zhao/ Sylvia path / Maggie Nelson, Bluets/Richard siken/Ingeborg Bachmann, In the Storm of Roses from ‘The Poem for the Reader’, tr. Mark Anderson ,paintings: pinterest}

[suicidalbitchie]

— Philip Schultz, from “The God of Loneliness.”

[suicidalbitchie]

i wish someone remembered me

as a little girl

who overwatered plants because she didn’t know when to stop giving

[suicidalbitchie]

i have no one after you

don’t let the distance make you abandon me

and why oh why my beloved would you forget me

and why would you be so unfair to me

is it because i loved you?

is that why you’re cutting me through?

that’s so unfair of you you know

what you did to me

so please

do it for me

talk to me

don’t be away

why are you leaving me in flames?

so

it is going to be my end?

you, away from me

tell me, isn’t that unfair?

[suicidalbitchie]

is the

blood on your hands

dry? Is it slowly

disappearing? Mine

isn't.

Ashley Mares, from "Psalm of Scattered Ashes," published in Luna Luna (via lifeinpoetry.)

[suicidalbitchie]

“You remember too much, my mother said to me recently.

Why hold onto all that?

And I said,

Where do I put it down?”

- Anne Carson, Glass and God