summ-ittens

[summ-ittens]

(Mentions: Suicide)

When I was in my early teens, I tried to kill myself deliberately. Every time life felt too tough I would try to do something to harm myself to, idk do smth about the pain that hurt inside or to punish myself. I was a young teen, I didn't know any better, even then I was still quite dumb and dramatic, though in that period of life I can't blame myself for the things I felt, I mean I was still figuring out my feelings and emotions, esp the gay thoughts.

My attempts varied from, hanging, cutting, overdosing, and starving myself. But unexpectedly, something or someone always seemed to interfere mid attempts, like a sign or something that would stop me and make me give up in my tracks. For hanging, when I finally tied the cord around my neck, I fell from sheer gravity and broke my ceiling light, and another time the cord was too low so I couldn't really hang even though it suffocated my neck. For cutting, I stopped because the blade of my cutter jammed. For overdosing, somehow, the pills I kept in my medication box were missing, and alot of it too. And for starving, in those situations, I was always forced to eat, whether it were a family member I fought hard with the previous day, or a friend who didn't know I was starving myself.

I'd forever be grateful to whatever to stopped me, to make me still thrive today, like a sign from god, or the universe, or some guardian spirit, or just some coincidence that kept happening that literally said "Fuck no, its not ur time yet bitch" And I laugh thinking about it. I haven't had anyone to talk about this with so I'll post it on my blog. And from experience I will try to look out for the signs in people doing them same so they wouldn't need to suffer in silence

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I just want to feel loved without worry or rejection man, is it that hard? I want someone who is willing to take me into their arms and hug me without feeling some sort of guilt or sadness, I want to love someone who won't give me mixed signs that they love me or not, I WANT TO LOVE, TO FEEL LOVED. God i hate this feeling so much, how I need to be better, how I'm not loveable enough. I'm so desperate man, I just want some girl to pick me off my feet, or hold me and say that I'm her's I dont ask that they have the same personality type, or if they look different, I want someone compatible with me. Just be the sapphire to my ruby..

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To wake up and to have something waiting for you that you enjoy/love the next day is an unfathomably comforting feeling

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please don’t toy with my feelings, please don’t kiss me then tell me we’re just friends, please don’t give me affection when you really don’t mean it in that way, please don’t give me gifts with heart felt meanings behind them.

Because I will fall in love, I’ve got a soft and fragile heart of a lover and with prolonged actions like those I will fall for you, seriously its not funny, we need to bring those boundaries back, our boundaries back

but its too late for that

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Can the universe lwk get me a partner please I’m lwk losing it , maybe before I wasn’t ready but now I am and now I suddenly can’t find anyone💔💔

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GOD THESE TESTS ARE GOING TO BE THE FUCKING END OF ME I HATE THIS SM RAHHHH💔💔💔

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I love being kind to people, it brings me so much joy when people are seen and appreciated. I don’t ever want anyone to feel left out, it hurts alot to not be noticed at all from experience, I don’t want that happening to anyone else.

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I hate being so critical about things that seem inaccurate to me, like shows and books, I'd like to enjoy it without the constant blabber about accuracy please!

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Is it just me? Because I tend to put embedded codes in messages and little social notes in the things I do in hopes it will reach the right person who'll get me.

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A note I would put for myself is; To always embrace every emotion.

Because no matter the emotion, negative or positive, it should never be bottled up for a later explosion. To express freely is key to get over it much more easily.

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Ive finally accepted my losses. You're out of my life, and I am free. Though the simmering image of our memories float about my mind in times of silence, I don't feel the warmth anymore. I am alerted of my problems I have caused, but it doesn't hurt more than the realisation I was just something that passed for you, whilst in my book you filled many pages. I do not cherish these memories, but I once did. Goodbye

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iM actually so happy I have someone to share my feelings w and I can get along w fairly well, without needing them to be pissy whenevr I feel uncomfortable

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“Are you okay” NO TF I AM NOT I HAVE SO MUCH ON MY PLATE MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY ITS NOT PRODUCTIVE AND I GENUINELY WANT TO CRY ON THE SPOT

what i would say if i trust you

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No matter how many times, I want to rant and vent out my feelings I will always have a force pulling me back, thinking it will burden them or it will make them judge me,

I have friends and family I trust, but I never trust them enough to really express and let my true self out of fear

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“I looked so chopped” No darling you look amazing, you are literally my favorite flower out of a whole a field of them, don’t ever say things like that about yourself because I know damn well you are more than what you’re worth,

thats What I would say but Its gonna be too gay if I admit it so I just stay silent

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I’m losing interest in the things i used to love, they feel like chores now and I am obligated to do them.

I used to love drawing and craft, having ideas and being satisfied for myself when I complete a piece. Now I when I start, I give up way too easily thinking its horrible and just scribbling it out thinking I’m not good enough for this

I used to enjoy video games, not only to pass the time but to have something to be social on where I can enjoy my time with my friends, now whenever I play a game I get a constant reminder I’m no anyone’s priority

I loved cooking but seeing as I have no one to cook for, my dishes suddenly taste unfinished and bad, its bland no thought behind it at all

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MY BROTHER HAS A GIRLFRIEND. MY BROTHER HAS A GIRLFRIEND HES IN THE 6TH GRADE. A GIRLFRIEND. A GIRL. OMFG OMG OMG WHATTTTTT OKAY SO I WAS TRYING TO LOGIN TO MY INSTA ON THE SHARED COMPUTER WE HAVE AND I WAS LIKE "hmm why is one logged in?" THEN I SEE ITS MY BROTHER'S ACC I SNOOP LIKE AN OLDER SISTER WOULD THEN I GET PISSED HE DOESNT SEE MY STORIES, THEN I SEE IT, THOSE CORNY AHH NAMES YOU HAVE ON YOUR LOVER. IM GONA CRY HOW DOES HE GET LOVE MORE THAN ME AND HES SO DRY IN HIS TEXTS TOO BUT SHE STILL LOVES HIM REGARDLESS.

to my brother im proud of ya mate, bagged a nice baddie too hope yall last (IM SO FUCKING JEALOUS OF HIMMMM)

edit: "lets be weird and autistic tgt" "Im stuck with you" IM GONA KMSS

edit2: THEY HAVE MATCHING PFPS AND NOTES AND HAVE THE SAME HOBBIES SOMEONE SHOOT ME HE HAS THE TYPE OF LOVE I WANNTTT RRRAAHHHH WHY CANT I GET THAT TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP ;(