sunday-12-25

[sunday-12-25]

and then they went back to the lighthouse n slept for like 2 days. in an actual bed <3

But yeah, i think Rook will have the Crash Of The Century after it's all over

[sunday-12-25]

Was thinking about how Lora is kind of overprotective over Zea, while Noel is like. Lets just say she will NOT be going easy on them during combat training. (tho i guess thats her being overprotective in her own way...)

anyway. it made me think of this meme

[sunday-12-25]

Orgasm denial. Orgasm anger. Orgasm bargaining. Orgasm depression and orgasm acceptance.

[sunday-12-25]

Sheena Ringo for GuitarBook Magazine (2000)

[sunday-12-25]

Wrote down a draft for one of the loving devotion chapters just now, and ahhh!

It's fucking good, conceptually solid and intriguing, making the whole project seem doable! even if in draft-only format, I'm very happy with the idea and the skill and whatnot. Yet I'm also sitting here like....

how did I end up like....... This

[sunday-12-25]

changing the SM kyo story tag from '120days' to 'loving devotion'!

[sunday-12-25]

Violet Lucca, from “David Cronenberg: Clinical Trials”

[sunday-12-25]

can I come over and look at you like this

[sunday-12-25]

[sunday-12-25]

Hannibal (2013-2015)

2x12 - “Tome-wan”

[sunday-12-25]

[sunday-12-25]

THERE IS SO MUCH INCREDIBLE ART AND STORIES IN THE WORLD IT IS INSANE IT IS INSANE AND THEY KEEP COMING. THERE IS ALWAYS MORE HOW IS THERE ALWAYS

[sunday-12-25]

strated reading innocent by shin-ichi sakamoto and i'm flying soaring screaming at the sky HHHHHH SO GOOD! but it's like a curse at this point, yet another wonderful work for the 120days+ bibliography!!!!!!!!! it's like-

i'll do this to kyojuro, and then i'll do

THIS TO KYOJURO!!!! make him grow from a son-forced-executioner to a matriarch executioner pushing the legacy forward. GODS!!!!! WHY IS EVERYTHING SO STRONG SUDDENLY!

[sunday-12-25]

lying in bed to one song looping for an hour now, thinking abt what it'd take for me to write the 120days text forreal...

i wrote a general draft for it months ago, and it still holds, but fuckkk, the story grew so much bigger in my head in that time... and in my thinking now, i've... seen a way to still make it fit in those four chapters i outlined, to still make my points through them... but it'd imply so much thinking and planning, and iiiiiii don't know if i have another pet thing in me!

...but theoretically. what i want to do with it is show kyojuro going from that noble swordsman archetype to a disabled, discharged and increeedibly bitter mess AND an SM dominatrix. it's part subversion of that archetype (hero to whore), part continuation of the same path (he can't live without giving and receiving violence). he would definitely not be self-aware enough to recognize this, or any emotions outside anger and arousal, so all these years he'd essentially be stewing in guilt, self-disgust and anger, and blaming most of it on akaza.

the story would start with them meeting again some five+ yrs after their fight, with akaza stumbling upon kyojuro's gig. the general kny plot would slow down in this time, so imagine him being his same old bored self, and suddenly finding that guy he thought he killed getting dicked down semi-publically. i'm going for a slightly confused 'huh. aight' here. masking himself, checking out, moving on.

...coming back eventually bcs he's bored and that was unexpected, not thinking much of it. while kyo... oh he'd have his target locked from the first sighting. the face of his anger, disgust and guilt coming back: this is a second chance from the godsssssssss--not to kill, no, but to break him, to beat him, to lower and humiliate him, to find out what makes this soulless sack of sin feel and teeear it out all at once. boom!

now, the story itself would be about the time period between them meeting again and the... conclusion of kyojuro's efforts. it's not much of a spoiler: he gets akaza utterly domesticated! but forgets that a leash goes both ways. so, yeah, another slightly unconventional love story.

what i want to do with it tho is:

as i mentioned, show the hero and the whore archetypes. the Prostitute even, as it's a concept i've been carrying since i watched Salo last year, and realized how perfectly it fits the life of a groomed high-masking autistic girl. this leads to:

talk about masking. like the pet thing, this is a story to crack open the mechanics of masking, the way every gesture becomes a tool and sincerity ceases to be an option. kyo would be known as zhar-sama to the clients, and she is the one to carry that bitter essence of pretence. joy in knowing the mechanics, playing the game so well! yet utter bitterness, because:

she is viewed as sub-human by default. this is where misogyny, ableism, stigma of sex work, transphobia (and more) all come together. kyo sees zhar as a cover, but zhar is his honest desire. i write him as transgender (bigender? i haven't decided, but it's both man and woman), and he doesn't recognize it as such, but it adds to the shame and the guilt. kicked out of the corps? shame, even though he fulfilled his duty, bcs it's a 'die but do' world. can't handle everyday life bcs of physical and mental trauma? shame, guilt. pure weakness, that's what daddy said. finds relief in violence and presenting feminine? gods, SO much shame that he better go turn himself into a proper whore, just so he can disgrace and then shame himself further. that's how you do that!

aaaaall that boiling mentality mixed with a chance to let it out, on a demon who 'did all that', and who, if he plays his cards right, will return as a paying customer? that mental game? that's joie de vivre

honestly social 'games' are something of a special interest of mine. as are fetishes--you can become a nerd abt anything, go figure! i want to WRITE OUT how kyo would go abt planning this whole thing out, in sessions. just think about it: akaza isn't motivated by that many things (immortal, used to pain, used to boredom, uncaring of 'human feelings'), so how would kyo train him?.... gods i want to talk about it forever. long story short, he'll clock akaza's initial fascination And his desire for Some validation/recognition, and he'll use that to make Akaza feel pain again. they will have sessions with Akaza fighting back his regeneration long enough for kyo to stick his fingers in, and through praise, challenge and sexual gratification kyo will make akaza want this. and off the pain kyo will build pleasure and i'm telling you, i have a whole draft-

i wanna show how easily manipulated fetishes are AND how they can be tools for manipulation

how you can draw a portrait of a person based off those! and i want to draw portraits of both kyo and akaza. it's an incredibly fascinating medium:

and i want it to be recognized as a medium. not higher or lower than a therapy session: a brain is a soul is an animal

it's also a love story and thus, it is a comedy. this is all very funny. i know it's torture and pain of a lifetime, but it's funny. kyo took akaza in as his magnum opus and then got surprised he got weirdly attached too. is nothing easy!!!!

ultimately THIS is my latest big addition: i want to show kyo deciding to accept pleasure. or happiness, but idk if he knows what that is at this point. this is actually at the core of the whole thing (and the original 120 days of sodom!), this search for the peak of hedonism... between talks of social games from an autistic masking perspective (every move is a tool) and muddled nature of pleasure (kyo is hedonism-maxxing on paper, but in practice he's falling apart in misery (bcs he cannot let himself enjoy anything))... between all that, what place does morality have? when is the right time to allow yourself feel joy? what *is* guilt?

straight up joy is a skill. it's something i also struggle with, but it's so prevalent in the culture around, the whole 'suffer in life so you can be happy in death' thing... it sits so damn deep, and i might not agree, but do i, as a single person, have a right to dispute this authority? more specifically, CAN I GIVE MYSELF THE RIGHT TO DO SO? you see where i'm getting with it? it's a grey area all around and i use kyo as an example here: he hates himself bcs of preconceived notions, internalized misogyny, a million other isms, but also the things he does (morality? has he killed a person? is demon a person?), the things he doesn't do (who does he help?), the things he wants (out-torture muzan via akaza) and things he gets aroused by (your pick). problem is that this hate/guilt does absolutely nothing, for anyone.

essentially, i want him to break out of it. and i suspect i'll have to make him fall for akaza harder than i planned, bcs he'll have to really want him, to choose personal joy over all this...

i think i've been writing this for over an hour straight. man. probably said many things not super carefully, so PLEASE GRAIN OF SALT AND GRACE. PLEASE THANK YOU HAVE A DAY

[sunday-12-25]

Literal TEARS in my eyes rn

[sunday-12-25]

it could have been my phd application

[sunday-12-25]

lying in bed to one song looping for an hour now, thinking abt what it'd take for me to write the 120days text forreal...

i wrote a general draft for it months ago, and it still holds, but fuckkk, the story grew so much bigger in my head in that time... and in my thinking now, i've... seen a way to still make it fit in those four chapters i outlined, to still make my points through them... but it'd imply so much thinking and planning, and iiiiiii don't know if i have another pet thing in me!

...but theoretically. what i want to do with it is show kyojuro going from that noble swordsman archetype to a disabled, discharged and increeedibly bitter mess AND an SM dominatrix. it's part subversion of that archetype (hero to whore), part continuation of the same path (he can't live without giving and receiving violence). he would definitely not be self-aware enough to recognize this, or any emotions outside anger and arousal, so all these years he'd essentially be stewing in guilt, self-disgust and anger, and blaming most of it on akaza.

the story would start with them meeting again some five+ yrs after their fight, with akaza stumbling upon kyojuro's gig. the general kny plot would slow down in this time, so imagine him being his same old bored self, and suddenly finding that guy he thought he killed getting dicked down semi-publically. i'm going for a slightly confused 'huh. aight' here. masking himself, checking out, moving on.

...coming back eventually bcs he's bored and that was unexpected, not thinking much of it. while kyo... oh he'd have his target locked from the first sighting. the face of his anger, disgust and guilt coming back: this is a second chance from the godsssssssss--not to kill, no, but to break him, to beat him, to lower and humiliate him, to find out what makes this soulless sack of sin feel and teeear it out all at once. boom!

now, the story itself would be about the time period between them meeting again and the... conclusion of kyojuro's efforts. it's not much of a spoiler: he gets akaza utterly domesticated! but forgets that a leash goes both ways. so, yeah, another slightly unconventional love story.

what i want to do with it tho is:

as i mentioned, show the hero and the whore archetypes. the Prostitute even, as it's a concept i've been carrying since i watched Salo last year, and realized how perfectly it fits the life of a groomed high-masking autistic girl. this leads to:

talk about masking. like the pet thing, this is a story to crack open the mechanics of masking, the way every gesture becomes a tool and sincerity ceases to be an option. kyo would be known as zhar-sama to the clients, and she is the one to carry that bitter essence of pretence. joy in knowing the mechanics, playing the game so well! yet utter bitterness, because:

she is viewed as sub-human by default. this is where misogyny, ableism, stigma of sex work, transphobia (and more) all come together. kyo sees zhar as a cover, but zhar is his honest desire. i write him as transgender (bigender? i haven't decided, but it's both man and woman), and he doesn't recognize it as such, but it adds to the shame and the guilt. kicked out of the corps? shame, even though he fulfilled his duty, bcs it's a 'die but do' world. can't handle everyday life bcs of physical and mental trauma? shame, guilt. pure weakness, that's what daddy said. finds relief in violence and presenting feminine? gods, SO much shame that he better go turn himself into a proper whore, just so he can disgrace and then shame himself further. that's how you do that!

aaaaall that boiling mentality mixed with a chance to let it out, on a demon who 'did all that', and who, if he plays his cards right, will return as a paying customer? that mental game? that's joie de vivre

honestly social 'games' are something of a special interest of mine. as are fetishes--you can become a nerd abt anything, go figure! i want to WRITE OUT how kyo would go abt planning this whole thing out, in sessions. just think about it: akaza isn't motivated by that many things (immortal, used to pain, used to boredom, uncaring of 'human feelings'), so how would kyo train him?.... gods i want to talk about it forever. long story short, he'll clock akaza's initial fascination And his desire for Some validation/recognition, and he'll use that to make Akaza feel pain again. they will have sessions with Akaza fighting back his regeneration long enough for kyo to stick his fingers in, and through praise, challenge and sexual gratification kyo will make akaza want this. and off the pain kyo will build pleasure and i'm telling you, i have a whole draft-

i wanna show how easily manipulated fetishes are AND how they can be tools for manipulation

how you can draw a portrait of a person based off those! and i want to draw portraits of both kyo and akaza. it's an incredibly fascinating medium:

and i want it to be recognized as a medium. not higher or lower than a therapy session: a brain is a soul is an animal

it's also a love story and thus, it is a comedy. this is all very funny. i know it's torture and pain of a lifetime, but it's funny. kyo took akaza in as his magnum opus and then got surprised he got weirdly attached too. is nothing easy!!!!

ultimately THIS is my latest big addition: i want to show kyo deciding to accept pleasure. or happiness, but idk if he knows what that is at this point. this is actually at the core of the whole thing (and the original 120 days of sodom!), this search for the peak of hedonism... between talks of social games from an autistic masking perspective (every move is a tool) and muddled nature of pleasure (kyo is hedonism-maxxing on paper, but in practice he's falling apart in misery (bcs he cannot let himself enjoy anything))... between all that, what place does morality have? when is the right time to allow yourself feel joy? what *is* guilt?

straight up joy is a skill. it's something i also struggle with, but it's so prevalent in the culture around, the whole 'suffer in life so you can be happy in death' thing... it sits so damn deep, and i might not agree, but do i, as a single person, have a right to dispute this authority? more specifically, CAN I GIVE MYSELF THE RIGHT TO DO SO? you see where i'm getting with it? it's a grey area all around and i use kyo as an example here: he hates himself bcs of preconceived notions, internalized misogyny, a million other isms, but also the things he does (morality? has he killed a person? is demon a person?), the things he doesn't do (who does he help?), the things he wants (out-torture muzan via akaza) and things he gets aroused by (your pick). problem is that this hate/guilt does absolutely nothing, for anyone.

essentially, i want him to break out of it. and i suspect i'll have to make him fall for akaza harder than i planned, bcs he'll have to really want him, to choose personal joy over all this...

i think i've been writing this for over an hour straight. man. probably said many things not super carefully, so PLEASE GRAIN OF SALT AND GRACE. PLEASE THANK YOU HAVE A DAY