sunflowersundance

[sunflowersundance]

October 20

03:43

I can't sleep

yet

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i’m actually tired bro, like from the bottom of my heart. i am tired

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literature has saved my life several times......like so many times I have felt emotions that I cannot shake, that feel so heavy and unearthly and then I stumble across a poem, or a quote from a human decades or even centuries ago and suddenly i feel connected to them...i am reminded that hope exists! the perfect arrangement of words can heal a wound in the heart that has existed for years! the power of literature!

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don’t!!! fake!!!! your!!!! interests!!!! to!!!! make!!!! someone!!!! like!!!!! you!!!!

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Call Me by Your Name (2017) dir. Luca Guadagnino

[sunflowersundance]

“this reminded me of you” is the cutest thing. like i dont care if its a song or a photo or a youtube video i will be excited

[sunflowersundance]

October 18

sleep evades me once again

And

I miss writing

[sunflowersundance]

Don't get me wrong, I have much to be grateful for. I'm so lucky to have such a strong network of people who genuinely appreciate my presence and care for me.

WHAT AM I MISSING

WHY DO I STILL FEEL SO EMPTY

WHERE IS IT ALL GOING

[sunflowersundance]

How is it that just an hour ago I was feeling so full of light and contentment

and now

I feel there is a hole in my heart

And the light is leaking out

And I want so badly to hold it all in

But it is almost gone

I'm tired

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my existence is a complete set of jigsaw puzzle pieces and I have yet to figure out how it all fits together

Matt asked if I was looking for a solution

"Yes of course", I said.

"Well perhaps there just isn't one".

[sunflowersundance]

Haven't checked in in a while and I think it's taking a toll on my mental health. My mind is constantly whirring, and without an avenue to spill out into, all my thoughts have been circling around and around, amplifying into a vortex waiting to implode.

I love my course of study. I love my housemates. Family are a little panicked but otherwise well. I have plenty of food to eat, I am exercising regularly and getting enough sleep. I'm cooking, listening to podcasts, doing yoga. Doing all the things that I know fill me with light.

And yet

For some reason I feel like I'm losing myself

And I just want to understand

Why it is I feel so

Heavy

All of a sudden

And I want to know what I can do to restore the light

Because I can't keep running away from reality every time something doesn't quite feel right

And although I've made leaps and bounds in terms of self-development, I still bear this gnawing sensation of being too weak for the world.

[sunflowersundance]

Every day is an opportunity for self reinvention, but I guess this arbitrarily defined new decade is an excuse for a wealth of revelations, experiments, starting afresh.

I've opened my heart more in the last two weeks than I have in the last two decades, and much to my amazement, my world has not crashed and burned. I'm uncomfortable and terrified, yet more alive than ever before.

[sunflowersundance]

October 25

Aaaaaand just like that, Biomed is over. Time needs to SLOW TF DOWN