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[sunhalf]

thinking about ophelia and how no one listens to her until she goes mad. thinking about how she says again and again "pray you mark" thinking about how she begs people to listen to her even when she's so far gone she can't remember her brother she knows she wants people to listen to her. thinking about her father and his control and his hovering and his ignoring her except when he can use her. thinking about her brother and how he adores her but his protectiveness isolates her further and all she has is him and her father and the lover she's not allowed to love and they go away one by one. thinking about how she can't bear to disappoint laertes or polonius by disobeying them but breaks into little pieces all over the floor when hamlet is cruel to her because she's obeying them. thinking about how the only scene where she speaks alone she's eloquent and intelligent and a deep thinker but she never gets to talk like that again because every other scene a man is talking over her. thinking about how no one ever hears her, even the people who love her. thinking about how she just wants someone to hear her

[sunhalf]

just saw a rly good production of hamlet. reminder that ophelia is on my secret menu. :thumbsup:

[sunhalf]

"N - No, 's okay, I — I kin'na like crying?" His words are a tear - stained slur, but he means them. The hurt that caused the tears aches, but the sobbing itself is a sign of growth and freedom. "'S like..I wasn't allowed to cry f - for a long time, 'cause I'd geh'in trouble, so it feels — kin'na, like, nice..."

[sunhalf]

kairi is physically incapable of feeling some emotions — her access to most 'negative' emotions is at the very least stunted. anger is the one she experiences the closest to how others do, but even it's a little off. one if the reasons that kairi's anger so often comes with anxiety and get expressed with a sort of passive aggressiveness that's not innate to her is that, because anger feels so at odds with her light, experiencing it feels like something in her is splitting. it's disquieting and she can't regulate properly around it.

she's completely incapable of feeling hate towards anyone but herself — resentment, irritation, anger? sure, even if how she feels those emotions is a little different. but actual hate's totally outside of her grasp. she might say "i hate him" or the like to communicate discontent or the like, but she doesn't mean it. she can't mean it.

it makes it...hard, or at least it makes her wonder. she loves riku, for example; even through all her anger, she never stops wanting to forgive him and love him and trust him, even when she's too hurt to act like it. she can't hate him. but WOULD SHE hate him, if she could? is the forgiveness and love she feels for him from her, or is it just the result of her light? it's frustrating to have to second - guess her own feelings, especially given all her other complicated, negative feelings about her own light.

[sunhalf]

@heartslight

"I've been thinking about buzzing my hair off," Kairi says — not quite a non - sequitur. After all, Sora's head is in her lap as the pair laze on the beach, her fingers drawing through his locks just for something to do with her hands. Those fingers are gentle for all their scars, and it's hard not to feel light and comforted with both his warmth and the sun's warmth against her ( and sora's warmth and the sun's warmth are the same thing, she knows well ). Her head tilts, thoughtful. "I think it'd make me look tough!! What do you think?"

[sunhalf]

my and namine's particular flavor of rikai is so horrible. we're so smart

[sunhalf]

to be a princess of heart is, essentially, to be so perfect that the world is driven to protect you, to avenge your death. which is to say being a princess of heart is to be motivation. which is to say that being a princess of heart is to be a fridged wife, again and again.

kairi's deaths — or "deaths" — exist, cosmically and narratively, to drive sora and riku's quests. she's made a princess and ripped from her home and identity so that the heroes can stumble upon her almost-corpse as a child. she loses her heart and her body turns into an empty doll and the boys don't stop competing for her even then, but when she gains that heart back she's told that she'd just be in the way, she's not worth keeping around when she's a girl and not a corpse. riku ignore her entirely in 2, despite having chances to reach out, because a fridged wife is only worth anything if she's fridged or at risk of it; now that she's been revived, now that she's just a girl and not perfect motivation, she doesn't matter. not until she's kidnapped and at risk of being killed again. not until her pure light can save him.

they leave her again, once she's back and safe, because motivation is only motivating when it's dead. and then she dies again, because sora needs — for the sake of the story — to be motivate enough to rewrite the world. she comes back. riku leaves her again, because a dead girl is only any good to the hero when she's dead.

nobody cares about kairi when she's a girl and not a corpse or almost a corpse. and kairi's aware of it, even if she couldn't quite articulate it this way, and it breaks her heart and makes her feel so lonely. everyone wants to die for the perfect light. no one wants to be beside the living, breathing girl.

[sunhalf]

シオンさんらくがきです。

あまり何も考えずに描いていましたが、カップリング絵のようになってしまったなと後から気づきました。ロクサスのスパグルコラボ大好きです。

[sunhalf]

kairi has hazy half - memories of her time in sora’s heart; they’re frightening, and she tries not to dwell on them.  it’s not that the experience itself was so terrible (  she trusts sora and always has, and his heart felt safe for her  ) so much as the sense of being disconnected from her self was wrong.  even in the safety of sora’s heart, she could feel her body like an empty toy, and her own heart desperately trying to reunite with it.  it was terrifying in more ways than one, and deeply disconcerting, and on some level that’s what she imagined death to be.

the time in - between her death at xehanort’s hands and sora bringing her back felt very similar, except without sora’s heart as a comfort.  it also felt much longer; she felt like she was in that non - existent alone state for...a very long time.  weeks.  months.  forever?  time is all wrong when you don’t exist. being dead was extremely traumatizing and frightening for kairi, but everyone here has died and she feels so pathetic and unworthy of relating to anyone that she doesn't ever talk about it.

[sunhalf]

reminder that kairi is chubby and jacked!!!

[sunhalf]

kairi was presenting as a girl and going by kairi before she washed up on destiny islands.  shortly before she met aqua, she began using the name; it was suggested by her grandmother (  it was her grandmother's grandmother’s name  ) though some in her community were still using her deadname.  not through ill will so much as forgetfulness, though it felt cruel to the girl.  when she arrived on destiny islands, though, the only name she could remember was kairi.

the mayor followed kairi’s lead in raising her, and was very supportive with whatever the girl wanted; she was very protective.  any bullying that the child received, which was generally minor anyway, was quickly squashed; most children knew better than to piss off the mayor.  kairi grew up comfortable and accepted, and began taking puberty blockers when she was around twelve.  sora and riku learned she was trans at around the same time, as she recruited them to help her remember to take them!  her walking reminders.

shortly after returning to the island, kairi began learning healing magic — the mayor had some latent magical abilities herself, and suspected that kairi could use healing magic to simulate the effects of hrt once the girl was older.  she was right, and it’s a big reason why kairi’s such a talented healer now.  she’s been using the magic for a while, even if not for it’s traditional purpose.

incidentally, while kairi now has a great deal of trauma around being a princess of heart, she was quietly delighted to learn she’d been born a princess.  her heart and the light always knew she was a girl.

[sunhalf]

xion didn't know that she had to eat when she came back post - kh3! i headcanon that nobodies don't have to eat — but even when i'm writing with muses who hc otherwise, xion still didn't need to eat due to her status as a unique replica. either way, all she'd ever eaten was sea salt ice cream!

nowadays, she likes trying other food, but continues to prefer sweet things. strong flavors she's not familiar with can be a little overwhelming — the first time she tried something spicy, she cried and roxas almost killed axel for giving it to her — but she wants to try EVERYTHING. food is such a fun part of being alive!!

[sunhalf]

"I — I just ——— need to breathe ———" It's hard because she can't, because her breath is going too fast to get any air to her lungs, and last time a panic attack was this bad she passed out on a goddamn moving plane and NOT AGAIN, THANKS VERY MUCH. He crouches on the pavement, hands pressing hard to the sides of his head, and can't breathe and tries and tries and tries. "I — fuck ——"

[sunhalf]

"No, no, they don't hurt, it's just — sorta stiff? Like the skin's a lil' too tight some days." The burn scars are blessedly painless now, though they ache a little when her powers get the better of her; still, the fact that they cover so much of her body does mean that they can be irritating at times. "It'll be fine and I'll totally forget about it and then, WHAM, I try to lift my arm and my skin's like 'the heck you think you're doing?!'"

[sunhalf]

“Where were they when I was GOOD, huh?!”  Her voice is sharp and furious and THICK WITH GRIEF.  “All the fucking heroes — acting like I’m on ETERNAL PROBATION ‘cause I’m so fuckin’ bad, but they coulda stopped it BEFORE I got so bad!  Actin’ like I’m a monster when THEY JUST LET HIM ——”  She wants to scream.  “WHERE THE FUCK WERE THEY WHEN HE WAS HURTING ME?!”

At the end she’d deserved every abuse but at the beginning — before the worst of the murder, before the worst of the madness, when she was still salvageable?  WHERE THE FUCK WERE THE HEROES THEN?

“They fucking — KNEW WHAT HE WAS DOING TO ME AND JUST —— DIDN’T CARE!!”  What if they’d saved her?  WHAT IF SOMEONE HAD SAVED HER BEFORE IT GOT REAL BAD, and she didn’t have to be like THIS?  It's the most stupid, painful question she's got. WHAT IF ANYONE TRIED, REALLY TRIED, TO SAVE JOKER'S NEW ARM CANDY?

[sunhalf]

"If I could, I'd — I'd get rid of the light in my heart right now."

[sunhalf]

“My name...”  It’s muttered to herself / high - pitched / verging on panicking / OUTRIGHT PANICKING.  “What’s my...my name, what’s my name — ?!”