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ELECTRONIC VALUE CARD
The title is definitely just nonsense and unrelated but hey, decode it however you like.
I haven't written for years if not a decade here but this mostly is used as my diary for when I am 1) in love 2) heart broken 3) confused about life. And I haven't been in love in the longest while so....
Here's to my 14 year love affair. I was 16 and was a college freshman in 2010 in one of the best universities in my country. I came in innocent but in love (at least I thought that was love) with my high school bestfriend. As we took different courses, we eventually shifted friends and eventually lose the connection and I (was sure of) started feeling detachment issues and go full on emo mode due to the emotional distance I had been enduring. Sure, I made new friends in my block but nothing can beat my unrequitted love for my best friend. The people I met in college were cool. They had, I thought, more wisdom than me having been living in the metro since forever and I a girl from a rural province. Eventually I settled in and had great conversations with them and found my own group. But one boy has been talking to me which doesn't belong to the group I have been hanging out with. He's my electronic value card.
We have been mostly talking through sms and chats and surprisingly, despite being from urban and rural cities, he was actually not hard to talk to. Counter in the fact that I have a long time history of man awkwardness, talking to him was pretty smooth. We started sharing stories from high school to relationships and eventually we both confided about our love interests. He, coming from a shaky hs sweetheart relationship and me from my unrequitted love affair. We were the typical pubertal millenial kids who goes through emo phases and we both feed the validity we both needed. It started very innocent to me but I eventually started becoming attached, not in love, yet, but I have been enjoying talking to him on a daily. Our friends had no idea we have been close and know stuff about each other way deeper than any of our current friends knew and we were cool with that. We eventually, as hormone raging kids, started becoming sweet and intermittently jealous and possessive of each other's time, which to be honest we both liked. I eventually fell for him, still unknown to our friends on both parties. I believe, at that time, which I will never know for sure, he fell for me too. But there were times where he was still talking about his current/ex gf that I will never know until this day if they broke up prior or not. I still see them after school hours in front of the main building waiting for each other's class dismissal. I, for sure was already falling for real, even our friends and classmates started asking if we were together because we were acting like we were during and in between classes. I was tormented by the feeling of being a side character in his life while he enjoys the best of me. Don't get me wrong, he doesn't treat me meanly. He was actually very sweet and giving me so much attention which makes it harder to detach from him. He became my morning hellos and evening goodnights. We would fight like couples over the pettiest things and that makes me fall harder. Eventually I gave in, I was in love with him, and he told me he was too. But the catch is, he still is together with his gf. Despite the daily i love yous and the effort to talk to me almost 24/7, my heart can't completely be at peace knowing I might be hurting someone else and in the long run, be the one to be hurting in the end. It was crazy how I ended up in this situation knowing I was crying from my breakup just a few months ago. how can you fall for someone within months when you just get out of a 2 year long love affair. I was confused and was gaslighting myself that none of my feelings were true only to be slapped in the face with the reality that I have been in love with someone who is not ready nor will ever be ready to commit to anything. I was a mad woman, I was happy and giggly for hours while talking to him then crying myself to sleep at night. I was feeling both the light of love and heartbreak at the same time. *key in Gravity by Sara Bareilles* I was delusional to think I. could recover from this until.......
12th November 2011. After I don't know for how many long months was I boy crazy over my "bestfriend" someone came in the picture. It was another friend from the same friend group I was in. He started acting all needy like a little brother asking for advice about girl crush and stuff. Being the always helping other type of shit I was, I was giving him advices and before I knew it, I was talking to him on a daily. I told no one as my class still thinks I am on a un committed relationship with my other friend and don't get the wrong idea, I am still in love with him. But the attention from this new boy was actually helpful. I don't cry every night anymore, sometimes, I even sleep smiling.. We secretly went on a few "friendly dates" and honestly I only agreed to mend my bruised ego from not being able to go out on a date with my best friend because *cough* he has a girlfriend. Every date I had with this new boy, I was day dreaming it was my best friend. We usually go to eastwood cause that's where no blockmate would see us and honestly I wasn't sure I wanted to be seen as someone entertaining two people... I actually felt comforted and validated the whole time we were dating. I was slowly gaining independence from my feelings with E despite still being in love with him. I was so confused with my feelings and I even told this new guy about my feelings. That's when he told me that we should try healing our confused hearts with each other's presence. December 2011, I did not look back and decide to be together with this guy, we can call him M. I clearly told M my feelings about E, how I was in love with E and was hurting from the situation we are in. I was hurting about how he said he loves me and it surely feels like he did but was not ready to commit to me because he can't breakup with his girlfriend bacause he pities the girl. This was my first time falling in love with someone who can't completely love me back. At least with Ace, he was able to love me proudly in the span of 2 years (I know, my 15 year old self was too eager to fall in love but whatever). M told me we should go on with our lives and try to move on from our past by trying to love each other. It was sure hell difficult the first few weeks. E felt like I betrayed him, I think he didn't saw this coming... but what can I do? You can't love me, the best I can do is try whatever I can to move the farthest away from you. Goodbye my love.
2012
Update!! 1 year with M! <3 You'd be surprised with yourself, Pol. You fell hard for this guy. LOLLL from rebound to TL hahaha. You're currently happy and very much in love. Ace is trying to fix things with you though, and I don't want to lie, I still think about my what ifs with Ace. He is my first passenger with my 1st car tho. As a constant person in my life, and a good driving coach, I think he deserved the ride LOLLL You're living the good life, P! I have gone so many changes this year, I kept my hair long and I've lost the most amount of weight, my parents think I'm troubled LOLL I weigh around 51 kgs now, I lost most of my boobs hahaha but I can't seem to get rid of my butt >:( we also learned how to drift cars now, woah big girl energy! My achi started training me when I turned 18 which was about 4 months now? Can you believe it? You're 18 hahaha you lived through all you emo phases. M was surprisingly very different from me, he was non spontaneous, non adventurous which actually complimented my very 180 degree self. He started feeling like home. Like the person I look for after a night of wasting from alcohol. Guess this is what they call love hihihi.
May 2012 <3
Im confused.....
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12711
The thing about life is that, you almost believe what you wanted to believe until it slams you in the face. See, I have this question in my mind for the past few months about why or what did I do wrong. Numerous night passed by without getting a shut eye, numerous days I wouldn't get out of bed, feeling depressed. But you see, sometimes, you ASK THE WRONG QUESTION. Take this from me, YOU START FROM THE BEGINNING. Look where it all began and device your whole game. As for me, it is pretty simple. I WAS NEVER LOVED. Even we see, make love, greet, celebrated our togetherness for five fucking years, the reality is that I was never loved. I was a presence. A mere status symbol. YOU WERE NEVER LOVED gave answers to everything that has been kept in my mind for years and years. Questions even I have already forgotten. Why was I never appreciated, Why was I always cheated on. Why was I never the priority. Why does it seem so easy to see me crash and break. It all makes perfect sense now. Although I thought this was supposed to hurt, it actually just left me empty, speechless and numb.
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It finally answered all my questions. It wasn’t that the love was gone. You were never loved in the first place. Not even a day in five years.
(via sunkissedlunatic)
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