sunnytellings - Tumblr blog

[sunnytellings]

“I’ve learned that maybe I’m not supposed to belong but rather create the place for other people to belong. If that hold true, it’d be a terrible thing to waste on trying to fit in.” – Ryan Caraveo

[sunnytellings]

[sunnytellings]

1/23/2019 Anthony going to community service, me gym

IG: -Would you delete your social media for a healthy relationship? -Cherophobia: the FEAR of being happy. One cause is the belief that happiness is often followed by a negative event. As if you're getting punished for feeling too happy. Yes. From my parents & school shooters.. Boys made me happy. I wasn't allowed to date them/talk/wrestle. Easy association...so when a guy seems to like me back. Dodge it. With that the calm that I won't be killed, disowned, idk what. But I won't be in trouble if I'm single...right?

Guilt trip. I didn't just dodge ti. I dodged them "all"...Me pretending I don't notice the romantic advances of men/boys whose association I enjoyed.

Trying to delete my ok cupid..answered some questions to see what "Mo"aka Firebird wrote but eh...I think this website in particular shows insecurity. If I use anything again it'll be Tinder & to "listen" But a question I answered was have I ever been in love. I said yes. Technically..& sadly. So did "Mo" (I knew it). I like the format of this dating site...but it only shows ppl I match with...and it's not realistic though. I want ppl to know me, but nerds aren't going to value sports or what I do so it's not the platform for that.. & I think most of the questions were about sex?? I left with 1410 "likes".. I'll survive..

Left for gym at 3:12 After massage, started workout at 3:50 (Hella Asians laughing...um prolly cuz firebird wants his asshole sucked..and he gets attached, wants a bi bitch, etc I don't really care for the responses...because he hasn't been with 13 ppl...straight up lie...) Hella ppl with royal blue shirts...including the French looking thin but adult looking facial hair guy...who asked me if he could use the bench next to me. His voice is SO sweet!! Manson status..then other big guys working out Dark buff Indian asking me for my sets I said uuuuuuuh 3 Massage I weighed in at 115!!! I think the last time I weighed at the gym was before the move at 118... Shoulders at end. Did lots of abs up to ten pounds with a good warm up..my back didn't feel super strong or rested but I got a good workout

Lyrics are "from the d to the a" by tee grizzly.... I might start tapping for this one season When they said not guilty I was so excited

At home Tried a dark chocolate with strawberry

....guys that don't want to be hoes. Joey? Idk

[sunnytellings]

1/22/2019  After siren (and applying for a renewal of my Visa) went to Fremont's wrestling match

RHYME: Tell a nigga bitch please. I beg you, got me twitching.

Hyde is the Cupertino coach...wow Joey. "Idk, maybe it's the coach" o chinga tu..! -_- & so is the fat Los Gatos guy that was at Wilcox too?? ...tf & All the Columbia coaches are here & sms coaches... & They're using the Columbia mat

Playlist: [They played?] SpongeBob something.. Katy Perry California girls E-40 tell me when to go

Someone called noemi like at the daca renewal thing on the saved files..

Cheerleaders, microphone, scoreboard

High School Wrestling: How to get out of leg vines Run in a circle Small wins are 3 points Pin wins are 6 points Laces need to be taped First time I see a ball and chain live and from Fremont Got fast at 125 Watch the inside tie in the armpit because it'll be an easy pin You need long arms for the spiral...like every single match has had one up to 132 Two tubbies not muscularlys at 138 & A Cupertino coach a bigger louder Petty..STFU -- First girl match has first arm bar...of the day Whizzer/wizard is USEFUL What's your with always having wrist control....you can only do specific move from there.. You ain't seen tatas before? -- Varsity 120 cup win over Fremont two Latinos The shock of a strong takedown is what really gets tough pinned... Yelling short time is useful....idk why coaches weren't today

[sunnytellings]

1/21/2019 Band pic because TI was in band and I mention him near the bottom of this day & idk if I've had a pic for HIS bullshit yet. Dream my sister was going Latino Greek and I was helping her even though I hadn't crossed.

Youtuber Savannah brymer: Guys get hurt so bad and ruin the possibility of a "re-connection" SO BADD. Jack not responding and leaving me on unread is like those years I wished him happy bday and he didn't reply. He just wanted to get in my pants and call property rights this whole time lol. It doesn't matter, MY feelings of this are that I don't respect him like I don't respect Tommy soo..good luck with me! If they don't want to listen to your stories about a breakup etc, find a better friend "My crazy prom date story time" has the funniest faces in the second half!!

RHYME: Nigga sipping, time is slipping

Ig quote: There's a difference between the weak and tired.. "We are not the same"

Fucking history book without any juicy details besides: NFL came up with drafting, surviving ww2...ball shape, professional referees, scouting college kids, changing the size of the field against the college game, from 1933 to 1946 it was all white teams...importance of a quarterback, Steelers+Sutherland, tv early starts developing in the fifties

Conversations in groups always leads to hierarchies and dominos and submissiveness...reading, they wrote it (for you) and you make of it what you will. Sports as teaching "character"...doubt it. White guys learning hierarchy, that's totallyy good for society..

RHYME: Nigga I ain't said it, YOU regret it; It's on your face, now confess it.

After my break at 4: A lot of revenge moves made by exes are from forgetting that you were never the same, before during or after, and when you finally got together some might have thought you brought them up or that you were so lucky to have them and they were out of your reach and when they start kicking you down..it feels like wtf I was so good to them yes but the power struggle is confusing and (not that there should be any power struggle but) both people have unique strengths and weaknesses that the other may or may not have. And no one is better here or there..but if you listen, with them or broken up you'll realize what they think they are and aren't and you can reflect on your own biases..

After trying to finish book at 6 ish.. "Why would I want it to end" Daniel, ended. I still think/talk about it to this day. It hurt. Jason aka The Ino aka TI, another one I thought was the forever type. So. Why would I want it to end. Again. & I actually did like him. Black good looking wrestler in advanced math classes. He didn't make any moves though. He goes "you should be a whore, you should call me. I'm too much of a bitch to be a man and dick it up aka man up." Petty-no-grew: "his step dad is white." Pftt okay..?!?!? Jason: my dad laughed. The only time I purposely did something weird to get his attention was when I asked [his bestie] de'allesandro to junior Sadie's. And bitch couldn't talk. Myspace friends. Bitch wouldn't talk. Student council. Still couldn't talk. What's wrong with you gang banger? I literally thought I was never going to see him again. Could he be a man and face his anger & not blame me for that? Hell no. Daniel tejera. Aaron South on band. James Thomas on band. Alex d'Alessandro, his bestie. Mattee on wrestling. 1/5 was to get your attention. And not in an ill conceived way. I'm not your property!!!!!!!!!!!! ... I had classes with him 3 years in a row. Senior student council. He knows about wrestling since frosh year. Tries to hold me back from water polo. Petty is on my ass about him. Doesn't talk to me during wrestling.. Ok, I finally make a move even after all this AND his attempts to try to sell me to asian Johny, James thomas. I'm afraid I'm never going to see him again. So he rapes me? What the bloody fuck?!?! Coward ass pussy bitch.

So yesterday I got over hell to tejera & Today my emotional positive association with hino- hell to ino. This is too much back to back.

If you wonder why I don't have relationship experience...it's because it's be a whore and make the first move in a man's world or pretend to be a saint while everyone ignores you. Thanks fern.

RHYME: I thought I grew up with ogs No them white kids go to college Forget me, but I'm the movement Public school for the doodles bitch

Saw shoreline video for: Homicide Bands <3 Boofd up...he dances in stripes at the end Bottle service....tongue-ing down medicine Bands live at rolling down with yellow hoodie

RHYME Tell a nigga he can have 1 kid Juice it to the floor Tell a nigga he can have 2 kids Nigga I want more Tell a nigga he can have 3 kids I'm yelling out whore Tell a nigga he can have 4 kids Where the fuck the bear claws Tell a nigga he can have 5 kids I'm saying Mexicos been on before Tell a nigga he can have 6 kids Then he's on for the show

G eazys ig... he's as tall as Michael Phelps

Comes home at 9 Do you want this big Mac. Not really Not really means no?! All you do is eat crap. Smacks lips and slams door

Ig quote On the list of the 100 oldest ppl ever, only 6 were male Ppl who LOVE you, do not quit on you. No matter what. What is meant to be WILL be. I'm no love expert but a guy that makes you cry everyday doesn't sound like your soulmate

[sunnytellings]

1/20/2019 Yay for MY shitty rhymes, not everyone else’s. I try, they don’t. GYM: hard sweaty one hour workout.....

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Daniel "DT" At work: acknowledging the pain of "I'm not good enough for dt...I really felt it all of the rest of hs. I won't blame it on his "rebound"... But I didn't have his fulfilling friendship from year one. I enjoyed parts here and there of hs, I know I accomplished a lot, and am proud of making it through the ups and downs on my own. But damn. He really hurt me. Bitch. Your loss at this point..no hate though.

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RHYME 1 (Bored: finished SoundCloud of shoreline mafia as much as I am..) Break a dick hard Give back what he had on my lap Moving quick yeah you I see with a groom hat Two o'clock with a spin track Not into niggas juicing me I'm into niggas schooling trees Of the nature, you work hard Of the nature, one woman all life where's that Had my school on my back and we don't go back To the fifties, guess bitches couldn't speak Now it's 2020 and the 90's miss Britney Christina, no Chicana. Didn't open doors Like the naks, you shut them Influenced them little hoes trying to be big girls They're not on the business when females aren't to be looked over We lead your bitch ass to be a grown man And you have the nerve to look at me and say who's that? Every year hit me up to try to "hit that" I'm Koo, you're more ghetto than a hood rat I'm Koo, not talking to you, bye baaah

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RHYME 2. life rhyme (While watching interview) I got it from a Molly That the news ain't really golly Niggas smoking purp getting bitches smoking too Had my baby tell me he wasn't wealthy We'll get the schizos thinking too We're all here, we're all loved But the school things really fucked Private getting hyphy every weekend at their step-moms Public going dancing cuz dancings where it's at Get the money, get the runnings You wanna run all to the top I feel the working, keeping busy to forget the top Wall Street is the dream, stealing meals from those pre-kills Don't teach em what they need So they they'll beg then they'll plead You got me twisted if you think this bitch Will suck dick on her knees I'm not horny I'm not sorry Getting bigger for my glory If I don't make it to the big leagues It's cuz I was really worried High school diploma, for my momma College diploma, for my g-ma I'll be 99 if there's gym studs in the story All the coaches tell you you ain't worthy Yeah bitch that was you cuz you ain't made it in YOUR story I know winning isnt only medals It's within you, working harder than the nephews of state champs and trophy wifeys But if I bring a trophy I ain't wifey..? Wtf is wrong America you're gone So far and few between all the athletes are "sons" of white kids (immature couples) I want my bread, my man, the fans, applause I want the family, house, friends since that homecoming loss I want the kids, the network, the TV shows and the music ghetto I want it suburb with the options of going private for the top bid coaches if I can't make it No one can.

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Rhyme 3 Tell a nigga If he ain't sorry I'll run a lap Get another gory Niggas lined up for my story Talk it up like pillows narc And live for that I got pesos in my pocket Lightweight on my scale, no bets to set I make weight, I'm not a swiftie That bitch can die, if it weren't for Britney Where's Madonna? In the news with Kim kar-fuck that Not thinking on the gender I put the work into a bender Not doing it for fame I get it write for the club Need my kiddos dancing 'fore the fucking Of college, it's not Greek it's socializing If you don't know, you're a family doll And pop your kid while the rest of us drink to toast Morning after, protein is what I'm after..shakes to look hot, unfazed Nigga day one, cut your losses, your face done.

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Rhyme 4 Got my game on tight No blood in sight Had them killers, on the swishers Nigga feel me, bitches & zingers - No way to work With stress for-ervs Had me stealing looks online To what's the word, radio or pop cult not in it for the 'pets - On all night, before I can rest Dick delivery is no conquest So I peep it long and I peep it strong If I want you don't be concerned

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Rhyme 5 When you think real quick And you speak real quick I bet you sip real quick

[sunnytellings]

1/19/19 Really don't want to get out of bed. Not sore after yesterday's three part bike riding. Half hour massage & 2.5 hour back + legs workout...

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IG: -It matters you stayed. I would still love you if you didn't. It never depends on what you do, my love depends entirely on me. If love we're external, it would never be eternal -I know my worth even if you make it hard to work -Ig: if we are in a rship, IDC how many ppl try to talk or flirt with you. It's really what you say back that really matters

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Looked at Jack's profile, apparently he's single. Lol. Oh hi stress. Why do some guys go from girl to girl? Or lie about it.

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Fernando after 10 months: -I just talk to ppl (like girls looking for emotional validation?). Hardly meet them. I don't hook up. What's the truth?? -& On the messages I re-read I had asked him the exact detail about Saturday being the day they rotate...so I've been told 3 times total. In person on first date, & twice on text. Clearly something I did not want to learn... -I really was just talking to guys over the summer. No romance, no sexual rebounds, I wasn't even on the whole summer after being rejected by fern. -Fern saying, he has friends of different races is checking me on me being insecure around him. As multi cultural as I thought myself, and as diverse as I wanted my closest friends. Those ppl didn't put in work..it is what it is.

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FB news: Baldwin blocked me. Lol, I hate fb but it's useful in the worst way like a friend stabbed you in the back but you know now so you have to pull the knife out or die... My sister isn't friends with Samantha online, just tayyy Irma deleted me?

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I've had no music, just silence :)

Then Replays? : Housekey by lolawolf Better by khalid Coupoure electrique by britney

Am: Harry Potter & the order of the pheonix Pm: Pheonix was my yearbook

Media: Netflix: watched fast and furious 1 Heard lamb of God's duo with Linkin Park guy from Dave's fb

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FB Update bio: daca sjsu grad: creative arts #acquiredtaste #Villaforlife Make friends list public [I did do this] FB Post: (that I didn't post) Planning to be on my shit this year. Not letting recent opportunity breakthroughs go unappreciated. As long as I got me, I'm solid!!

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Ig quotes that hit me... If it hurts when they left, it was LOVE. [Idr if I agreed or disagreed at the time. But obvi disagree now] The 6 stages of recovery from psychological abuse..

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RHYME: Looking down I plead to you I plead for two Looking down I look up What's there left to do

[sunnytellings]

1/18/2019 Dear you, from me the naked bitch. (Very rambl-y day of when ideas occured aka I wasn't venting on only one person for one moment, thoughts came to me throughout the day in a back and forth fashion...)

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Fernando ideas: -"I value family more than you do all I'd rather see the girl unhappy with me than happy and single..." -Make sure they have the same definition of a relationship as you do. & Success? -Tinder bio: My happiness comes first I shouldn't have to say it though.... -You aren't sensitive to discussion -Did he block me on snap chat -Don't play word games with someone who can play better? -I'm the example of not putting career before popping out kids. Failed at both. -"Anti-abortion" I dropped it, he didn't drop his values on the jailed and no dad correlation -Him: I'm deciding if I'm never speaking to you again -If you're not going to respect me, it's not love

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Guys who's family sibling dynamic is two boys and parents: bikerdude, Lucifer, Fernando, Monet

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Old guy was talking on the phone in the middle of the night or early sunrise... Then I wake up to pee That lasts a while.. Took my notes then slept from 8-11 am The Ross jobs aren't on the website anymore Found palomino on sunnies friend list.. Emailed siren Got pills before Faviola appointment

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And the weak shall inherit the earth #athletes #nopain #nogain ..working out is hard...

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Again with the bs w/my mom I don't say shit. I walk into the kitchen. I've only worked out over three hours with no food. No big deal. She starts demanding, oh why do you get so mad bitch. STFU. You're the one who made the mistake. Gives no fucks. And starts 1) looking me up and down. 2) "it was a misunderstanding." Anything so I look hysterical right... but anyways. No. I communicated.. You said ok twice. Then since I don't back down and I say this wasn't a misunderstanding. The mistake was not mine. Why the fuck are you blaming me? Go buy a carpet for that asian dick you love having here.

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Lucas- He shamed me for liking him Then the world shamed me for not liking him enough He didn't like me liking him, during or after... "this is what you like"

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At appointment: I told Faviola I'm not going to validate her. When after all I've been through in school all she does is yell at me and over anything Angel the loser does. I'm 30 accomplished and he's 12 always getting suspended.

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Fernando: For a psychology major he sure...has a lot of things he hasn't let go.

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If there had been dating apps when I was young, I could have had a choice...

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Lucas: How complicated is it to think the bitch would want to lose it on Valentine's day. The day to celebrate having someone. I'm demanding? It's the least you could do for a virgin that you're all happy for. And honestly, you were probably a v too. And lied about losing it in Boston on winter break your frosh college year. Especially after that night you're not looking at me, I cried, and you said nothing then in the morning are like it's not a big deal, if you think about it. Nope! Might have not been! But you sure made it one! Trauma bonding me to your loser ass! I wanted to chill and hang out you know, like college kids. But you're all insecure at a rich school still hung up on some white bitch you didn't get your frosh year.

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Fernando: Like they were married. Cliche Latinos? Either she was hella dumb..and tried to backtrack asap? Or he hella started fucking up with his stank breath, gaining weight, etc

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At this point I think guys have way more baggage about sex than girls...girls are always talking about it or guys with friends, learning to dance, getting paid to strip, & granted both genders' parents are probably not talking about it either. But I think the guys first mistake is believing rap. And virgin guy buddies and by virgin I mean not ever talking to a girl either..or having respect for their mom/female family members, aaaaand classmates.

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Ig end quotes: She doesn't need you. She wants you. Don't confuse the two. Self esteem is the ability to see yourself as a flawed individual & still hold yourself in high regard A female best friend who acts more often like a boy is a blessing (Your smile speaks for itself) Jackie Mitchell You cannot give another human being the responsibility of your happiness When you can tell your story & it doesn't make you cry, you know you've healed..

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Last thought before passing out: That alfaro Togo's guy HIT me, then didn't let me go Greek (panhellenic). I talked to him, I talked to PETTY-never-grew, and it was funny to them. That theyhave had that power over me, that's what I would prefer to do, and I had no choice in the matter. What was it, like literally $50 minimum wage/weekend if that for the rest of my life..

[sunnytellings]

1/17/2019 Album Review Post RHYME (After bmth mantra  & _ video while te bote 2) For the anti-christ that was in me: Had me figured for a susie, twirled me bout the town? Nah kid, you're confusing Want a bitch, a goddamned drunken floosie Not a woman, "you're acting like a child" Playing kitchen with the mistress, oh my You're not one to level up Got a rebound when I called What you forgot all you were taught In sex Ed? Oh wait teddy bears are more commonplace Your mommy is such a golden arrow Full throttle for the Colombianos What a great example of the sons from the East coast. ----- Found his friend Marco Antonio Vargas Sanchez profile... Netflix Movie: the eye with Jessica Alba, (third movie night in a row..) Did final laundry today of my workout clothes.. Didn't go to sc vs hhs wrestling meet like planned ----- Shoreline Mafia Album Reviews maybe from soundcloud. Replays only. 1/17/2019 Shoreline do that shit album: Pack em Dopehouse

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1/18/2019 10 section Nun major (of course)

Otxmas: Occupied (f your 9-5) Pressure

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1/20/2019 Two Harden Foreign Break a bitch bacc

[sunnytellings]

1/16/2019 This picture is red lipstick because he hates me in red lipstick. Too bad for him. After Mariah posts a poem. After watching Mara on Netflix...a movie about guilt and dying from it. Haven't heard bazzi since wrestling started...on replay: nun major, te bote 2, chantaje cover, somebody else ----- RHYME (Fernando) All my words aloud Or sober and so profound Yet no one hears them And I have no method to wow The truth into existence He "loves" me and I can't accept it (Fernando) Until it's too late And we've hurt each other so With words of course I'm sorry But you'll never know I never meant to cause harm to your wonders, and so wonderful soul I wish I met you a long time ago And had known how tender is the love from a gentle being unknown to the world In my case, I sought out fame before knowing of growing pains I wish I never believed the boys I knew I didn't anyways, thinking I was ugly the entire time, yes whole Whole I thought I was in meeting you But your past I felt, and it had me lost Haunted for eternity I can't accept as a man you loved and lost And I as a woman loved and was crossed (Lucifer) Never to believe my self My being Wanting to be with him, It caused me sickness My first priority His last charity Sick Betrayed Outcast'd When all I wanted was for him, loyalty And he never spoke clearly Meant anything sincerely Saw me for what I brought, with meaning Thrash, a whore, an empty vessel No music, no oath Nothing in common but a tryst Of my body's turn to feel the pain When I saught refuge in a spirit I didn't conceive it, his cruelty His lack of humanity. Your empathy, so ironic and almost a tragedy. Where do I belong. In the past, or here feeling this So true Yet with no way of being believed for anything I mean I loved you. Words are a body language It rains But I'm, not allowed to hear and notice the pour. ----- 11 pm Lucas: Not going to school was outside my control. Who does he think he is to yell at me and two over that illogical concept .. Idea: When I was young, guys just wanted fun girls, so I was fun but they didn't want me. Now that it's time to settle down, I'm ready for that too but they still just want fun girls...& I wasn't chosen for that either.

[sunnytellings]

1/15/19 This pic is light aka CLEAR like the eiffel tower pic and the lingerie drawing and the soccer bracelet because what's not up to standard is CLEARLY not up to standard. The lightness is not because they're innocent, it's because I see them clearer now.

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RHYME on unwise friends...sam Bitch step aside You ain't down to ride Your momma fake As store cheesecake I'm eating good Don't need your restaurant food What's a friend? Not you

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Netflix: monster in law with jlo Couldn't fall asleep until midnight.. Woke up noon next day... Dreamt my sister was dying or going to die if I didn't find her..

[sunnytellings]

1/15/2019 At bilingual class... Both rhymes on "da move" shoreline mafia (and I never played this song again buh issa replay) Rhyme Lucifer... Told a nigga I don't rest. Bitch I don't rest Bitch please he think I'm on house arrest Up all night cuz love is high, talking shit Nigga was my first time Don't believe the rest, bitches fall. but not a bitch, sorry doll He had me up all night at the frat house Thought he grew was a man own a house Took my hand and led me far, Down the street to a second sleeping bar Full of drink and feathers but no mink Put me down for tryna be girlie, just his girlie I outgrew kids and no one remembered me The streets pay homage, gotta go to college Where I met him, I was good Tried to dance he called me hood Where's my sweater, Letterman's He went away but wouldn't write me letters man Talked a big game so we're at bat Same team but nigga thought me Jv We're not on a mat Nigga please, that's not a thing to pick up dick Where'd you go? An all boys school No bless you, if I knew what I know now to say I knew Not feeling better But it's my story, I met you and I meant it forward but to you I was a Cali whore-y So long gone is this, its been nine years Can't wait for this year's Valentine's morning...

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Rhyme 2 (Lucifer) Hate it when he says he made me Bitch I spoke, not on your fucking boat Sailing it but not (en)g'neering it Get drove, this ain't another broken local So big on what you did Break me? When Iiii lied to me I knew it all before, es que (S.Q) Love doesn't roam, yous a nigga from a different home tryna build a Rome But bitch it's all been done before Don't make me call a cab to take you home Your mom you think a whore And really you can't ask out the girl since kindy, nigga peep it If I showed you once before, yeah I bet you told me more My actions were true and in you I had ears All fake, "king".. reys don't beat, they chase. Speak truth, don't exaggerate Now I got it from the best one That mean the worst one, had me hung up I'm drying, that means it's raining I showed, no words You fronted, all words All tears since I've met your nigga ass You about to be famous I'm happy, without you Guess who's bae, not you.

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Rhyme 3 Lucifer Never turn on a nigga like you? I made you my dream You felt like a fool I made you my dream, that means nightmares too Fall back Learned it twice Love doesn't bark, no dicks a dog If he's meant to be bound to home Never gonna turn to a nigga like you But somehow I'm a bitch now I hurt the ones who smell like 'mor, more Got up on my grades and then they're not fine - Your moms with Dad, I'm bound to call dope Somewhere there's a living lie, and it's shit, it's dope Someone's locked up, there's missing souls I felt the vibes, they made it alright But if they don't see eye to eye I can be strong but if I hurt you, There's not too much here You got the lesser, touch it Feel the feels I'm being simple Can't talk three decades and say you were born a sinner (Fernando) Where's the kid in him, bitch I had one at 14 I had one at 18 I'm 27, and he's 30 What's missing?? He doesnt know the story And it makes me worried If 26 is my first try I know why If 29 is your first try I want to know why. #Don't turn to the ones that mistreated you for their own pleasure. How you get away with it, I'll never be a repeat offender.# Fuck Lucifer And Bless those with kids dealing in this world, keep the hot mess down don't need clout.

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#Tryna tell me what to do That's not gonna work out for you#

[sunnytellings]

1/14/19 Decided to not go to real estate class because of internet forever, and tired muscularly, been getting really hungry even though I eat....a mission doesn't sound fun

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Headlines: Jo from sms broke her neck.. Americans more likely to die from overdose than car crash Egg vs Kylie Jenner R Kelly accused by more after documentary Bronx white teacher... Government still closed Netflix show called sex education already reviewed...

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YouTube: First Savannah playlist that I watch Glass movie Jan 18 Te bote jlo remix REPOST!! On my phone earlier: can't listen to "I'm glad" by jlo. It hurts. It's all loss.

About fourth day in a row of reading the football book

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1/14/2019 RHYMES ...4 minutes into Te bote jlo remix. Hella rhymes:

Sin ti soy fuerte, Con ti, no cuento. ----- (Fern) Con nadie mas que tu era', Porque fuye salieste a fuera Quitate la mascara Yo llore, lagrimas altas Llore pero no lo ensene Las tuyas corriban Y en mi supe que no Eran de Las Mia's. De Ella fueron/fuesen y con hijo tienes Estaras bien porque, solo prayers Van a caer. Te perdono, eres amor Te perdono, pero no me Las perdono mis fallas - No te miento, eres de los cielos Aunque no fuiste mi primero Supe, eras sincero y en mis locuras Salio algo viego, lo de ayer Pero si te ves de madures mas Viejo Menos nuevo, pero ninguna nieve Es de donde Las palabras vienen Nigga don't. #title it #up from my down

Nio Garcia #google

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Fern: Up from my down Wish you twirled me bout The town so high in my Thoughts for you and the future Boo like bae, not boo-o-who So happy to be connected See me, not just for the three I can do that but meet me I'll call the mat, I'll call the house You're different But somehow missed and familiar I didn't know flowers could grow from my past, (30 year old mister) Yes long gone, worked for long, thought I could take a furlough/ but I guess no furlough (27 and onto forever) I'll hope, how this goes along

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7pm On the way to gym Not here to remember you (fern) Not here to forget Not here for her memory In you I see the imprint, I'm no fool What did I do to you? (Lucifer)

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(Lucifer) We met with all the answers to the world In each other you found revolt Some haunted memory of your role In me you couldn't find what I brought, home Somehow lost, somehow forgotten, You come back like I was yelling You and the lying bigote Cowboy me on up to the big leagues Saddle up to the glory, horseback Back down, vulnerability What a funny picture You thought you taught me I had other things in me besides failure

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Fern (Halsey song playing....what halsey song? the cheating one?) You said disgusted Me, he proved me untested Denied an existence My two current mixtures Of a sad song When I just wanted to be among thee not a gave up life But one untried. Abilities. Got to do me or you'll yell at me Like him

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Then on the radio...Say something I'm giving up on you is playing....#norhyme

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At gym but eh: Writer for life No nigga so far Waiting a game To watch and repeat Something worthy Keep me smiling Yes my job but droplets run Down your face and I dont know, porque

-At gym: short round Latina with hot pink long ponytail and black Wilcox hoodie....

-He chose me because I'm supposed to be an dumb illegal with an illiterate mother...

-I didn't learn to give the social media/high school middle finger to your frenemies til this by not deleting another round of guys...I'm not fake like that -After the gym: At home hella talkative? Da fuc. Anthony said good. To me saying no ensure... After a while you have to ask yourself why you're doing things or you might get in trouble #drake "ohgeesy"

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Rhyme: 10:22 pm anti-lucifer Tell a bum bitch nigga he ain't wanted You ain't wanted motherfucker, all jokes no laughter Fu and your high horse, all whores, up in thought You call me a thot? Nah bro It's all good bro, we're good Now go!! You're not wanted, out my hair I'm not for you And I'm a princess, fuck fuckboys niggas like you. I stay regal Falling for you was a lie I told myself, last time and only I made that try looking you in the eye as I told that lie You heard? Ya you heard, not going mute over a nigga that can't hear You tear? No dear, you not on the program like a bad bitch selling Tix (tickets) I'm red carpet all night Yous a far bet, no to you every night Not my first choice or my last You thought I'd go lesbian but I'd rather die Try fresas, they're yummy No morals? You mean no desarollo How's it go, nigga turn pimp cuz they own a dick Bitch please, yous a kid with unrelented misgives About me, you'll never know What's wrong, I'm not the one Hun, you sold me that one [[And now all the lies aren't for you twice You're on one if for you I'd spit untrue But you know I meant it, you were mine]] #vocal mindfuck How

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The internet is crack

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PS woke up at 845 am today Dreams....one about Cyrus cherries and traveling by road...

[sunnytellings]

Jan, 13 or 14, 2019...Eiffel tower forever in the background. & my realizations clear as day.

Narcissist Lucifer Self-centered. Selfish. (a word putting it all way too lightly)

He didn't want kids..condoms only. He knew what he was doing.

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The night before he left I thought would be kind of romantic, cuddling..maybe more intimate, he'd be nicer and sorryyyyy he's leaving. Be different in a good way...NO. He's angry that night (but not that he literally said anything was bothering him). He won't take no for an answer when I have a UTI and it hurts to breathe, walk & pee...........words fake to get what he wants and actions the same allllllllllll damn SIX months, example, "ily this is the closest we'll ever be." I don't understand, he normally doesn't talk or look at me when he penetrates so I ask him wtf are you talking about. The nerve of the bitch to reply as if the answer where so clear and without missing a beat says "THIS." "Right now, we'll never be closer"...using the same exact phrasing...then right away, all of a sudden he has to go to the frat house hella far to barely say goodbye. Right after rape. And on his first gf's precious time....but only his time matters. And he's snapping his fingers, let's  go let's go let's go. Then the walk is the infamous walk where in mid conversation he calls me a fucking bitch. Literally he was the one who started saying weird shit and boom, explicitive. His one true love no more. Rape while on a UTI, broken up with as I can read minds, and the second to last thing he says to me  before "this is it."

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Literally a week after prom tho..?

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I've never prioritized myself first. It was always let me make my friends happy. Then I'll be happy. But no. Those friends are gone. And I'm here without any of them giving a fuck then OR now..what's good? Me. I'm good. In case you were wondering and on my grave I'mma have a great future family (offspring), career, friends, and partner with a respectable career.

[sunnytellings]

1/11/2019 Picture for the monthly cycles a girl has no choice in. It took me at least an hour to find this image, because there’s no art out there symbolizing or depicting periods apparently. Got my best rest since wrestling ended and the drama started...(the move and Fernando's ungrateful ass) Woke up ten am... I got my period.... Napped from 3:30 to 5 Dream I saw Selena q in concert or I was her and it was the song thinking about you

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Tinder: Instead of swiping I'm going to improve my hobbies like reading, learning to cook & drive, keeping in touch with real friends, hanging out with family that's here now, getting on that job thing.. Completely erased my Tinder account... Saw d'alessandro Had an older Asian Wilcox wrestler blue star me? I swiped no of course Madhur and mathew lifeguard Stanford bitch show up every. Time.

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1/13/2019 The apology I wrote HIM for HIM leaving -Hey btw I got my period this weekend so kinda explains my extra sensitivity last week -I don't mean to cause you pain and don't like seeing you hurt. -I forget that for you, the example of family and a child's development is very real life and not hypothetical. You want the best for your son, and yes he's a boy so the effects of divorce are stronger on males than girls -For me it's always hypothetical. My bias is that I'm not going to shame women who's partners did not want to provide and left. But again, your argument was the encarceration statistic and are pro-guys who want to provide. I'm not against that all. -But I'm confused as to how you don't want more kids.. but then you didn't let me change the subject in person. So like I'm going in circles? ....And I'm not sure what you're looking for right now? -To me a solid relationship comes before having any children....

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Rhyme-y ferrny Look at me and tell me you want me That old bitch is a snake, devil's trick Why me after her, am I different or of the same hair I don't believe you when you say I love you Just words, words play, why aren't we playing make me not doubt you Like kids in the sand, at home on the beach picture perfect The waves of trust come and go But waves should just be water, pure joy I'm not her or your kids mother, don't kid Where do we relate if I'm always after her Memories I can deal, but you see her every week Where's the truth and the mirror, not hide and seek I see me and I doubt you see three in the backseat, I need my own kids I'm suffering and arguing is your new treat They come back to me year after year In season or out, but I wish they'd disappear I don't want them, you want your child but he has a mother And I cant stand against either of you What are you after?

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Other Fern Ideas: -I don't think he puts family first. He puts a future dick first. -There's no pics of his parents on his social media....and they don't have profiles either?? -Questions to ask [which I didn't]- Was she his first love? How many single parent guy friends does he have?

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1/14/2019 Fernando: -I can't choose you when you've already chosen her, and in not second in third...I have to choose me. -Idk how I give him a chance...I show and tell hey I'm warming up to you in trust. -He breaks it the same exact way as BEFORE!  (In the same exact time frame over the same exact thing...) -Breath smells like shit, kisses me the most passionately he has before. -I was starting to believe Joey was a bad workbae/side chick/affair type of situation (and I deserve better) & then Fernando makes me think of hey let's rebound like no other.....but am I really going to go after that? HELLLLLL No. -I was really putting in effort over here. -Like in the context: Then it's counties, holidays, moving, new school quarter, no gym time, my period. -We hung out one Wednesday, then he was the one to literally jump the gun and for some reason assume "well, I'll see you on Friday!" to make this a twice a week thing. -Legend has it mistresses were more fun, to relax, sometimes the next wife......If you still have problems with "her" because you see her all the time and you "have other people to talk to about her"...you were definitely just looking for a mistress. -Like nigga, I am running as far as I can EMOTIONALLY..when you're like I have a kid, I'm divorced, I like your song, I'm dtf over white shoes.... AND you don't look or sound like you've advertised so I'm catfished and I drop the Kardashians story...I wasn't going to go cuddle in a movie and lie! -You are lying claiming me as property and I'm like no, I "change my mind," like you, you are trying to come across as a family man/love songs all night/emoji life saying my mood swings are ok, then 10 months later you're like oh I don't want more kids. You forgot to mention "with you." -When you won't shut up about how for 9 months she liked you more than you liked her and you were going to so many things together so it was actual dating and she was such a good person. -"People change" -"The past is the past" -Oh that's the song you want to play -I'm not removing the child seat...(I didn't ask him to!)

[sunnytellings]

1/10/2019 Epiphane: I didn't party in hs, I socialized. Lucas: -2010-2012 Lucifer. From meeting him to calling him a thousand times. 2 years. -My problem was focusing on my most recent failures and not my longest successes!!!!! ----- At Wilcox vs Los Gatos 1/10 THURSDAY -The ref is guy without fingers and he's thicker now because overweight, beer belly status.... -My first time at my Alma mater for a sports event since 2010 when me and this guy who didn't believe I wrestled & I happened to see Martin wrestle for Cupertino high school -I have one team, sms. Ha the whs coaches didn't coach me, they triggered me instead, sold me, got me violated. -It's a tri-meet now?! High scoring matches for girls. And Wilcox has girls coaches.... I'm 9 years late on girls ccs Don't mind me I'll age backwards on this one. Wilcox girl won in overtime 9-9 with a head and arm and the ref let it go until she got the pin 7pm and varsity still hasn't started

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Reinforced Ideas for Coaching: Dance, move, if you don't know what you're doing next Drop and grab a leg or two to not give up escapes... Choosing if you want top bottom is different in hs.. Saw lots of Arms bars, leg vines You don't lose if you take a shot, try something new and of course when you don't give up Trying something new is not the same as forcing it. Sometimes a new thing won't work. But sometimes forcing it will.

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Conclusion about on the mat....wtf my high school coach hired female coaches for all the girls they have and never mentioned it, the job or the growth of the program. Apparently this is a separate team from the boys, something I didn’t learn until 2020.

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The quote is what it is. But also symbolic of life, where guys run everything and whatever girl they don’t like gets burned at the stake like in the Salem witch trials...oh well tho, I’ll still come at you. & fight you.

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-Bitter thought on that: "Sluts" (ideas that I don’t really carry into 2020) -Cuz they're tryna find one that is good in bed -Cuz they're loyal and they want their sweetheart to be with them the longest in life so they bounce around when they're young...

-You know I’m at a loss when I go to my hs game night by myself & I just get slapped in the face some more.

-& the coach saw me and went up to the stands to talk to a mom that was near. All. The. Way. To. The. Top. Of. The. Bleachers......wtffffff

-Yeah, guys aren’t weird at all. #Sarcasm.

-No choice but to refuse defeat :(

[sunnytellings]

1/10/2019 He broke up with me. Again. After hanging out for like a month

(Did this happen 1/9 and I just wrote everything the next day??) At work I realized I went from feeling over-loved and over appreciated to at work today feeling super panic-y about how he might be using me. & Then I was feeling myself to see him. Had a great two hour convo about sports then he wants to go to his spot...at 9:30

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He kissed me the hardest he’s ever kissed but his breath stank like shit, literal shit.

His comments: About Daniel: "what you thought you were better than him?!" ...... What because it's the only way she can control you? ....about my mom Says "no I don't think you have daddy issues" but shows opposite in not dropping the subject "I don't think I even want more kids" with the snidest tone Multiple times, it's farther [to where you live] in plain tones They DON'T want a freak, they want to do stuff together. Disagreeing for the sake of disagreeing much? "I just want her to be a good person." ....about a gf I think, wtf this is not the first time he mentions how he's a judge of character of women "Girls are sexist too!!"...... "Girls are more sexually liberated. You know how many times I've been asked to hook up?"..... You take things too seriously/you care too much. You learn more by listening...

Songs: James bay: us Shania Twain wedding song: from this moment on Punchline... Eminem on female song

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1/10/2019 (Fernando still) I woke up scared af

From last night -No I didn't say strength is masculine...Strong is strong, strong isn't weak. -When I'm so stressed out about my home life and he just adds stress. Won't drop the subject. I see its my turn to say if you're going to be like this then I don't want to hang out. Do you want me to literally say I can raise a kid, specifically a boy, better than you? All your friends are single parents? Not my fault. You want me to pity you for you enjoying your resources and being able to impregnate a whore of your choosing to live at one of your two houses in Palo Alto? -He goes, I care more about family than you do. One, it's not a competition...what a fucking weird concept to make a competition. What are you trying to say, you win because you had a kid before me. You get paid $300 an hour. You abuse your psychology degree on Tinder. -Does he go up and down in weight to fuck with bitches....brains? -RHYME-Y: He wants a good person, aka not the opposite? Which is a whore. Doesn't want a friend? But someone to control... -He didn't reply to my text about Gunn/Wilcox wrestling.... It's cool to be rejected by him. Mr sign your life away and become property for fun.

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1/12/19 (Fernando still) Relationships aren't made by spending money, it's by shared stories, by having a support network, putting each other first, children after that will benefit & prosper from having parents that put each other first before they came along 

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Why apparently I don't value family: -I haven't "seen" my brother since wrestling started. -I'm "proud" of him but for the gym. -I "lie" to my mom about when I'm coming home. NAH, GTFO.

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About me: I put my weakest cringiest attributes first so you know and aren't blindsided later on....

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My new hell nos oh no he didn't: Didn't answer my question Didn't tell me the friends name Doesn't tell me about their day WHEN I ask!! Has kids Doesn't tell you their accomplishments until they practically come out as threat You don't celebrate anything about us & you're not trying to impress me in any way!!! New standard: you can't improve for me. You have to be solid to begin with....

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Idea: When I said he had nothing I was looking for (to myself)....his high pitched voice, his little package....the baby momma ....how am I supposed to go after that.