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It's my 13 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

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One bright sunny day🌼🌿

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Gloomy sunday

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work from home situation🥀

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It’s one in the morning and I am still tossing and turning in my bed, I can’t sleep. The silence is too loud, can’t seem to stifle my thoughts stirring so deep. I just want to make sense to someone, more sense than I was making to myself. I’m tired of convincing myself that its better to sleep alone in my bed than to be in the arms of someone I love who could have easily unloved me too. I’m tired of dreaming of someone, and then waking up only to reach over and find emptiness on the other side of the bed. I’m tired of giving the wrong people the right pieces of me, to do what they will, what they please. 

How can I imagine someone caressing my hair and locking fingers with mine if I don’t even know how he looks like? I have been homesick for a home I’ve never been to, home in someone’s arms. I have been praying to God to give me that right person, waiting for that right moment, because I’ve got too much love, so much that my heart can’t contain it anymore. I need to pour it out to the one who deserves it. I have been wishing for a man who won’t break out in hives when he hears the word “commitment”. I’ve been wishing for a man who is not just a one night companion, who will provide temporary warmth, not someone who comes when the moon appears in the sky and quickly leaves before the sun rises. I deserve to be both someone’s Saturday night and Sunday morning. Someone who wouldn’t tremble when our hands intertwine because this is how galaxies collide. Someone who won’t be terrified with my scars but chose to write stories across my skin with his lips all the time. I wish for someone who’s kiss tastes like revolution.

Get here before my heart gets too cold and shatters into ice crystals. Get here before my heart gets so stubborn that it forgets how to bleed for someone. Get here before I stop believing in signs and wishes on 11:11. Get here before I run out of reasons to write, reasons to rhyme. Get here before I get too weary. Get here before I build my walls too high you can’t break it down anymore. Get here before I’m unable to believe when you finally decide that I deserve so much love, don’t blame me when I’m so used with sugar coated lies and half assed promises. Get here, because I have been practicing my “Yes” for the past 3,712 days. Get here because my heart is with you all along. 

 — Sylvia Marie, Cold Hearted

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mental health status: need to isolate myself in solitude away from my online chinese students, read books and stay quiet for a couple of days.

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hot showers and meditation podcasts just before sleeping on desolate July nights help replenish your wearies and emptiness

life hack # 1

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whiskey bottles and swollen hearts turned 10 today! YAAAY!!!!

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my workmate every goddamn day🌼😼

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spent the entire two hours scrolling on tumblr and following newly discovered blogs. and i am not even sorry about it.

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There are days when I can paint a smile even without the thought of you. Flowers start to grow in the darkest parts of my mind even the word happiness means nothing without you. But when I hear a certain song and smell a familiar scent, I suddenly remember how we held hands that Friday afternoon and just tracing the lines in your calloused hands makes me feel like going back to my own home. Seeing you from afar of that convenience store which we used to wait for each other equates to a feeling of certain comfort which no one knows about because only you can make me feel that way. I remember the time we met at that small cafeteria, seeing each other for the first time and we knew right away that we will create an incomparable love story. But our story finished a little too early, it never ended romantically. There’s nothing poetic about how our story crushed my beliefs in happily-ever-afters and forget-me-not love affairs. It made me feel homesick because I built a home out of shaky foundations. I can’t make a home out of someone who has two eyes and a heartbeat.

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coffee situation🌿

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It kinda breaks my heart that I’ve got nothing to write about nowadays. Sometimes, it makes me think that maybe loneliness is a better companion rather than an empty heart. With melancholy, I can be able to create a lovely mess out of the chaos contained in my heart.

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I will love you as a thief loves a gallery and as a crow loves a murder, as a cloud loves bats and as a range loves braes. I will love you as misfortune loves orphans, as fire loves innocence and as justice loves to sit and watch while everything goes wrong. I will love you as a battlefield loves young men and as peppermints love your allergies, and I will love you as the banana peel loves the shoe of a man who was just struck by a shingle falling off a house. I will love you as a volunteer fire department loves rushing into burning buildings and as burning buildings love to chase them back out, and as a parachute loves to leave a blimp and as a blimp operator loves to chase after it.

Lemony Snicket, “The Beatrice Letters”

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day 2- 3:49 pm – moving on

I only slept for around four hours last night. I was awake for five hours just staring at the ceiling and was just enduring all the weariness I was feeling. I couldn’t contain the weight of missing you. My sleep has been interrupted with the melancholy and anxiety I was feeling which awoke me around four in the morning. It was a dreadful moment to hear silence at the corners of my room and to see my phone without any message from you. It rained heavily which matched my gloomy mood. I am drowning my thoughts and sorrow with work, pretending to my Chinese students that I am wearing a wide smile when my heart is breaking. It is a way for me to somehow ease the loneliness which you have caused. But somehow, I was already able to sleep on my bed without the feeling of too much sorrow and even dozed off with the lights closed last night. I believe that sleeping on my bed where we had our intimate chitchats before which made me feel so elated was already a huge achievement. I know this agony won’t be too long, I know I just need a short time for this pain to heal. Someday, I’ll get there.

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Day 1:10:37 pm – moving on

I dragged myself out of bed today. Tears streaming down my face, your voice and laughter resonate in my head. I have tried to distract my mind with novels, baking and tidying things up. But my heart still aches since I miss you so much. It is my rest day but my mind doesn’t seem to get any rest, thoughts of you running through my head. We knew each other from some crappy app, I didn’t intend to be very attached to you but it just happened. Late night talks until ungodly hours of the night, all those heartfelt stories and genuine laughter we have shared just before our slumber. I never thought that eight months of talking could make me build a house out of you. Talking to you made flowers grow in the corners of my mind. You suddenly decided to stop talking to me to avoid further hurts and to just brush everything off before it gets worst. But oh God, how can I sleep every goddamn night when I already found a comfortable spot in your entirety? How can I put my mind at peace when your voice was my only lullaby? Oh dear, please I wasn’t prepared for this predicament.

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surrounding myself with everlasting blooms 🌼🌼🌼