sunsettesilhouette

[sunsettesilhouette]

im dying in this heat x_x

save me, freak arctic blizzard, save me

[sunsettesilhouette]

i forgot how empty I truly am when I let my depression stay completely unchecked. I have no energy to physically do things, no motivation even if I did. My emotions feel completely muted, my expressions and reactions are lifeless. Nothing feels urgent or important. I need to rely more on muscle memory to go through the motions of my day to day activities for work. None of my interests or hobbies feel worth the effort. The funny part is that I don't think I'm spiraling. My depression doesn't feel antagonistic or malicious in any way. He feels fairly stable. But it's like i lost my spark.

My adhd has become reclusive for a couple of weeks now, and her usual humming has gone quiet. I definitely need to sort out having safer outlets for her. She needs room to grow, not be repressed for existing. I think shes been balancing out my depression for the past few years. It's hard for me to pin down but the effects are immediately noticeable now that she's having less of an impact.

[sunsettesilhouette]

don't stir the pot, don't cause trouble, don't look for an excuse, don't add fuel to the fire, don't go looking...

feeling any better?

:(

:/

v_v I can't be close to anybody...

thats ok. even Pluto has a distant orbit

nobody even cares about Pluto. It's not even a planet anymore

So many people cared about Pluto when it was reclassified.

Only because they felt something was taken away from them. Not because they actually cared.

People cared, the science community even more so. Pluto wasn't a good fit with the other planets, but it's still part of the system. Its current category fits better now.

I'm not a good fit anywhere

You exist. You're connected to people regardless of how distant you make yourself.

no I -

it's alright, you won't hurt anybody here

[sunsettesilhouette]

please don't give up. you are worth the effort. always will be

[sunsettesilhouette]

*motionless and out of focus*

she would probably do well to have more support right about now *looks over*

...

*sighs* try not to let later be never

[sunsettesilhouette]

you're hurting worse than I am, but I can't bring myself to reach for you v.v

[sunsettesilhouette]

... what are you-

Shadow, I didn't... I didn't mean to... I got caught up again and... v_v

right, but Silhouette you are running away again >_>

I chased her away! It was supposed to be safe and I ruined it! All she did was show show me kindness, but I just couldnt stop myself... Why am I always the problem?

you just wanted this chance to be yourself. Are you sure you want to give up?

I don't want to hurt anyone anymore ;-; I can't be the reason she won't be around. I can't do this

you're afraid

how are you not? please, Shadow, make it stop. make me stop v_v

I don't think this is a good idea. You didn't even wait for her before-

please

... alright, Silhouette. I'll keep you safe.

than..nk...yo..ou....u...u.....

... I hope you come back out soon. and I'm sorry.

[sunsettesilhouette]

forget me, maybe

[sunsettesilhouette]

for what its worth, i really did want to do better this time

[sunsettesilhouette]

I wish I was in my LEARN TO SHUT THE FUCK UP era

[sunsettesilhouette]

you remind me a bit of myself and youre very kind as well

i wish you the best

thank you anon.

you should save your well wishes for people who deserve it though. I don't want the best or even good. I just want to get along without making things worse for people...

[sunsettesilhouette]

Sometimes my oppositional defiance disorder is quite optimistic. When I reflexively disagree on something I'm just like "Im a garbage CAN, not a garbage CANNOT!"

[sunsettesilhouette]

"Stop trying to comfort me. You make me feel worse"

I am at a loss, to be honest. Ok, I will stop. And then I will sponge the inevitable outburst that follows. I accept my fate.

[sunsettesilhouette]

I'll be here, toes on the edge but unable to move away

[sunsettesilhouette]

As if on cue, after I posted that farewell, my partner brought the whole thing up again. It still tears me up inside, the choice I made to hurt and abandon one of the dearest friends i had. Still wasnt enough. Nothing I do will ever be enough. I ended up ghosting all my irl friends too. I don't deserve to be close to other people if Im willing to abandon them v.v

[sunsettesilhouette]

I want to write a thing, but I have no skills to do a good job v.v

[sunsettesilhouette]

hi, i'm just a stranger who came across your blog so this might not mean much to you, but i hope you heal from whatever happened to you. you are worth the effort and you will find people who love you for who you are. things can get better even if it doesn't feel that way right now. it's always worth it to keep trying. some things just take time. healing takes time. please try to be kind to yourself. 

thank you for the kind words, anon. However, I am not deserving of them. Especially since I brought this upon myself. I appreciate the sentiment all the aame though, and I hope life treats you well ^^