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why the fuck did i wake up and go straight into disassociating what t he fuck

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“I can never get out of here, I don’t wanna explode in fear, A dead astronaut in space.”

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For disassociation: put your feet flat on the floor and put your hands on your legs and concentrate on the feeling/pressure that comes from it. Make yourself look around the room and name (out loud, that's important) five red things you see, then five blue things, etc. I have severe panic attacks and these are things my therapist taught me that hopefully could help that person too

-s

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““How are you feeling today?” Absolutely nothing to be honest. Most of the time it is absolutely nothing. If anything, like none of this is real. These people, aren’t real, I am not real, the sky out there isn’t real, our society isn’t real, this body I am in isn’t real. Nothing is real nothing is substantial nothing nothing nothing. I’m not ever sure I am awake, for all I know I am in a constant nightmare and I cannot wake up. Or am I even sleeping? I don’t really sleep anymore and I don’t see the difference between the nightmares and this life. They’re all the same, everything is bland and white noise. I feel nothing.”

— therapy session

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me: *exists*

my brain: ??? sounds fake but ok

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I forgot I was human once   I thought that my skin was made of earth itself That I could grow flowers under my nails and weeds from my scalp   I thought my eyes were made of space And if I wept galaxies would fall instead of tears   I thought my voice was a hurricane One that would make the world tremble   And my blood My blood was made of fire And if it touched the ground it would sizzle and smolder  I forgot I was human once  I thought I was immortal  Invincible  A creature people feared  A creature people admired   Something to be whispered about Only on winter nights when the moon is full And the cold air feels like death itself  has come to greet you 

I forgot I was human once     I wish I could forget again

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When I say I have bpd-

What you hear: “I have bpd” What I mean: “I have a disease that never gets mentioned in mental health articles so I have to explain it to everyone I meet, which is frustrating because it will sound like I’m rambling and you’ll abandon me eventually because everyone does even after promising they won’t. Also I have bad mood swings and deal with traumatic flashbacks almost daily not to mention unhealthy habits and coping mechanisms, and I constantly wonder if I’m annoying everyone and they just pity the absolute wreck that I am while I disassociate with everything”.

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me: “… and then in my dream i jumped off my balcony and landed safely and my hands felt real so i didn’t think it was a dream and then i could fly”

oblivious boyfriends who don’t believe in mental illness™: “that’s p cool”

my awesome amazing aware™ boyfriend: “don’t jump off your balcony”

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Hi, all the resources on depersonalisation and derealisation that I can find seem very clinical, and I know I've been experiencing something similar, but I can't wrap my head around the experiences one might have with especially depersonalisation. Do you have any resources focusing on the experience and feelings, or know where I can start looking??

Hi Anon,

This website talks about what the experience is like:

Derealisation & Depersonalisation

These two symptoms are very commonly reported during benzodiazepine withdrawal. It may therfore be useful to give some definitions of these terms.

SOME DEFINITIONS

Derealisation:A feeling of disconnection from the world around you. A dreamlike state.

Depersonalisation:A feeling of disconnection from one’s sense of self. The classic manifestation is looking in the mirror and not connecting the image you see with your internal sense of self. Depersonalisation is linked to derealisation, in that it occurs most often in heightened states of derealisation. David Woolfe.

Depersonalisation:Alteration in the perception of the self so that the usual sense of one’s own reality is lost, manifested in a sense of unreality or self estrangement, in changes of body image or in a feeling that one does not control his own actions and speech, seen in depersonalisation disorder, schizophrenic disorders and schizotypal personality disorders. Some do not draw a distinction between depersonalisation and derealisation, using depersonalisation to include both. Online Medical Dictionary.

Derealisation:An experience where the person perceives the world around him/her to be unreal. The experience is linked to depersonalisation. Glossary On-Line: Psychiatry. Priory Lodge Education Limited.

Derealisation & Depersonalisation:“While derealisation is a sense of the world being unreal, depersonalisation is the experience of oneself not being real, one’s body being alien, of being an onlooker in relation to one’s body. Both are psychiatric symptoms and they often appear together." Molnos, A. (1998): A Psychotherapist’s Harvest.

Depersonalisation:A change in an individuals self-awareness such that they feel detached from their own experience, with the self, the body and mind seeming alien.

Terms commonly used to describe depersonalisation: unreal, disembodied, divorced from oneself, apart from everything, unattached, alone, strange, weird, foreign, unfamiliar, dead, puppet-like, robot-like, acting a part, "like a lifeless, two dimensional, ‘cardboard’ figure”, made of cotton-wool, having mechanical actions, remote, automated, a spectator, witnessing ones own actions as if in a film or on a TV programme, not doing ones own thinking, observing the flow of ideas in the mind as independent.

Derealisation:A change in an individual’s experience of the environment, where the world around him/her feels unreal and unfamiliar. Terms commonly used to describe derealisation: spaciness, like looking through a grey veil, a sensory fog, spaced-out, being trapped in a glass bell jar, in a goldfish bowl, behind glass, in a Disney-world dream state, withdrawn, feeling cut off or distant from the immediate surroundings, like being a spectator at some strange and meaningless game, objects appear diminished in size, flat, dream-like, cartoon-like, artificial; objects appear to be unsolid, to breathe, or to shimmer; 'as if my head were inside a Coke bottle and I’m viewing the world through the thick glass at the bottom’.

Depersonalisation Syndrome:Transient feelings of unreality are quite normal in healthy individuals. Alternatively, they can be a co-symptom of psychiatric or physical illness, in which case they will often disappear when the sufferer recovers from their primary illness. When the feelings arise, however, as the central problem of a persistent and debilitating disorder, they are diagnosed by psychologists and psychiatrists as Depersonalisation Syndrome, Depersonalisation Disorder or Depersonalisation Neurosis. Periods of unreality can last for days, weeks and months at a time. As a result of this sustained distress, the sufferer can rapidly become deeply depressed and anxious. It can then be difficult to establish whether this is a result of, or the cause of the depersonalisation.

Dissociation:The clinical name given to a category of illnesses mainly affecting memory, identity and consciousness which also includes depersonalisation.

“Intense anxiety can cause a sense of unreality in how we feel about ourselves, others, or the world. We feel 'different’ or 'changed’ (depersonalization), or other people and our surroundings seem far away and 'unreal’ (derealization). While psychiatrists do not consider these symptoms to be psychotic reactions, individuals who suffer depersonalization and derealization often feel as if they are going mad." Dr Peter Breggin

ABOUT DEPERSONALISATION

What is depersonalisation?Depersonalisation is both a symptom and an illness. It was first described by Ludovic Dugas, a French Psychiatrist writing at the turn of the century. It occurs in almost all the major psychiatric disorders including severe anxiety, panic disorder, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, schizophrenia, as well as neurological conditions such as migraine and epilepsy. Normal people can experience it during states of fatigue, fear or meditation, or after ingestion of drugs such as cannabis and 'Ecstasy’. It can also exist, more rarely, in a pure form: 'Primary Depersonalisation’.According to the American Psychiatric Association’s diagnostic criteria, 'Depersonalisation Disorder’ is characterised by persistent or recurrent episodes of: ”… detachment or estrangement from one’s self. The individual may feel like an automaton… There may be the sensation of being an outside observer on one’s own mental processes… Various types of sensory anaesthesia, lack of affective response… are often present". Derealisation (the sense that the external world is strange or unreal) may also be present.

What is it like?Many sufferers describe it as 'terrifying’, 'like losing your sense of being alive’, 'a living death’, 'like being detached from your own body, your loved ones, your feelings…’ People say that it is as if their mind is full of cotton wool; they pray that they will wake up and it will all be clear once more. Many describe de-realisation: as if the world around them is like a movie or that they are separated from other people by an invisible pane of glass. When such unpleasant feelings persist without explanation, the person may be judged to be suffering from depersonalisation disorder. It can be brought on by severe stress or emotional turmoil but may also appear out of the blue, and apparently suddenly.

How common is it?A third of undergraduates said they had experienced some of the symptoms at some time in a response to a questionnaire. One hospital survey found 12% of psychiatric patients suffered severe and persistent depersonalisation.

What is the cause?There are many theories: depersonalisation might be induced by overwhelming anxiety or an early traumatic event. In these circumstances, becoming detached from one’s body may seem a useful means of distancing oneself from the trauma, but in some people, the depersonalisation then becomes autonomous and a problem in it’s own right. Neurological theories include a disruption or neurotransmitter imbalance in the parts of the brain which integrate oncoming sensory information with our internal representation of the Self (the temporal lobes). A specific part of the temporal lobe, the amygdala, responsible for processing emotion, may be crucial.

TreatmentThere is no clearly identified treatment for depersonalisation; almost everything has been tried from in-depth psychotherapy, through electroconvulsive therapy, to antipsychotic and antidepressant medication. Sometimes, treatment of the underlying condition abolishes the symptom. Encouraging results have been achieved with the antidepressant drugs known as the selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors, including fluoxetine (Prozac). Newer drugs which act on specific serotonin and noradrenaline receptors may prove to be helpful. Derealization & Depersonalization

This website talks about how to cope with symptoms/anxiety attacks.

This website talks about preventing depersonalization.

Info and coping skills:

Dissociative Disorders & Dissociation

Mental Help A site that has basic information, resources, articles, and a list of books that might be helpful.

This is a post that explains dissociation in a little more detail.

Dissociative initiative also has some great information and resources. 

Here are some exercises you can do that helps to keep you in the present grounding techniques.  Mental grounding exercises. Physical grounding exercises. Soothing grounding exercises.

This site gives some great strategies you can follow to help manage Dissociation. 

Psychology Today has lots of info on dissociation & understanding it

AboutHealth tell you about coping with flashbacks

I hope this helps, Anon.

Best,

Lena

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“Have you ever forgotten what you looked like? It’s an absurd question, really, who would ever forget what they look like? Our facial features are engraved into our minds, of course. We are always able to recall the curve of our cheekbones And the arch of our brows And the shape of our face Or the Cupid’s bow of our lips And how pronounced our noses are We could never forget that, could we? Of course not, we wouldn’t, not now, not ever. But I have. There are times when I feel like I’m floating And not that sort of elated, happy, floaty feeling, More like a suspended in time, with no where to go and no one to talk to, Sort of floating. When all I hear is my voice, And my skin tingles like stars are dancing along my flesh, And my insides are the void. My thoughts are sucked into myself and all I am is Floating. When times like this come about, I can never seem to recall what I look like. Who was I before? Before the constellations broke apart Into a shower of shooting stars And fell on my body And used my skin as their stage And then proceeded to dance the night away, Doing flips and twirls along my flesh And piercing me with their otherworldly heat, Burning off the image of who I was Until my skin is gone and I am Nothing. Who was I before? Before my mouth and eyes and ears disappeared And the sound that emerges from My nonexistent throat is there in front of me, Gently swaying in a breeze caused by my soft breathing But it doesn’t sound like my voice or my breath And my mind can’t seem to comprehend anything anymore And I’ve fallen into Nothing. Who was I before? Before my heart and my stomach My lungs and my guts All turned charcoal black and encompassed my being And spilled out of me because there is no longer skin to contain it. The thickness of it sucks everything into its void And remaining thoughts turn to mush While any remnants of who I was are now Nothing. And I make this sound beautiful With talk of stars and the void and breezes When, really, I’m afraid of who I’m not in that nothingness. I’m terrified that I’ll never come back And I’ll end up just Floating, With no memory of who I was or who I ought to be All of me just melts away into Nothing. I want to know if anyone else is out there with me. Floating along right beside me, But we can’t even introduce ourselves without any name to say. So I need to know who you are now Before I lose myself once more. So we can lead each other back to something And breathe easy again. And that’s why I ask you, Have you ever forgotten what you’ve looked like?”

— Nothing, Cade Walley

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PSA

Listen, if you disassociate, do yourself a favor and stay 100,000ft away from Descartes and his philosophy.

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just little disassociation things

when did i stop moving?

am i sure that chair across the room is corporeal? like, i know it is…. but am i sure……

what time is it

i know I exist because my back hurts fake people’s backs don’t hurt

this is my apartment where i live, right

i do live, right

what time is it

do fake people’s backs hurt?

how long have i been sitting here

do i know for sure those legs are mine

what time is it

it’s probably just executive dysfunction that’s fucking me up right now

i do have friends and family, right? where are they

is it worth it getting up for class if class doesn’t actually exist

what is time

hand

i want to focus on my senses so i can prove i’m real but i don’t 100% believe that’s where my head is…

that should be where my head should be, right

neck

hand

neck

hand

hand?

what time is it

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when you disassociate while walking and it feels like you’re levitating over the ground.

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disassociation 

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