sunshinendarkness0623 - Tumblr blog

[sunshinendarkness0623]

Light

The darkness of my past has made me bitter. It has made my heart hard and my mind a steel trap . I have given up hope and love, all the beautiful things in my life have gone and passed. I had nothing left in me to fight for . Then there he was. He blinded me with his light. He is bright and shiny and new . He is my hope , that tiny bit of light at the end of this never ending tunnel I’ve been in . He grabs my hand and i move closer to the light . He kisses my lips and i start to run closer to the heat of the sun. Then he wraps me in his arms and i can almost feel the sun on my skin. He tells me he loves me and i’m basking in the sun.He is warm and he is good . He was made for me , We were made for each other . I am his sun and he is mine. He says he was in his own darkness and that i am his light. We both have darkness inside and in our past but together we shine brighter then any thing else . He is my sun and i am his . Together we are LIGHT!

[sunshinendarkness0623]

Darkness..

I wake up Darkness.I go to work Darkness. I come home to the place we once shared, more Darkness. I’ve been in the dark for so long i don’t even know what the light looks like anymore. The sickness inside of you is pure darkness, it has consumed you , made you someone who your not . Your losing the battle to your Darkness , your fighting but not getting to far .Your limbs are getting heavy , your heart is racing with the will to live,but your losing the battle maybe even the war. This Darkness inside is consuming me too , I beg you to let me help you but you shut me out . Not knowing that your Darkness is starting to consume me too you hold me at arms length to keep me safe , although it’s not working you try so hard. I tell you one day your Darkness is going to kill you but you laugh in my face you don’t believe ..... Today was the day you lost to your Darkness 3 months ago . Your Darkness is still here in my heart even tho I’m now basking in the light once again. I learned so much from you and i will always love you like i did in the DARKNESS

[sunshinendarkness0623]

I wish....

“I wish” is a term used when we as humans regret something or want something really bad.Personally I wish i would have finished high school. I quit my senior year and i can’t blame no one but my self i stood in my own way when it came to success . I never had anyone besides my mother to support me , and you know 18 you think you know everything when really you don’t know shit about nothing. The guy i was seeing at the time didn’t push me to be better , his life was going no where so he wanted mine to go no where too. Now I have a man in my life that loves me and supports me, he wants me to be better and he pushes me to be better. He pushes me to be the best me I can be and i couldn’t ask for better . I love him so much and he loves me. He cares about me and he cares so much for me that he has offered to pay for my GED classes and help me get in a college. It feels so good not to wish i could do these things anymore it feels amazing to actually be doing the things i used to say “I wish” about .So what i’m saying is stop saying i wish and go do the things you wanna do!!

[sunshinendarkness0623]

Mister right

Every women has a Mister right. It took me 26 years to go thru all kinds of Mister right nows to find my Mister right. My Mister right is a 31 year old man who is just as damaged and broken as me. Most people would think why would i want someone who is as damaged and broken as me. Well for one he doesn’t judge me when i have an emotionally bad day and he doesn’t get mad when i just don’t know whats wrong and i’m just sad. He just holds me and tells me its gonna be okay or he makes me laugh even when i don’t want to . He is emotional and erotic sometimes and he can be a hand full , he’s spoiled and a bit of a brat ( Us only children always are) . He always finds a way to make me feel like i’m the only girl in the world , he makes me feel like even if my whole world was to catch fire it would be perfectly fine because he would make it better. He loves me like i’ve never been loved before , He speaks the same love language as me and we compliment each other in every way. When he just can’t deal with life around him i calm his storm, When i can’t deal he calms mine. He never makes me feel like what i’m going thru is not important he always listens and trys to help me any way he can . This beautiful man told me he would cut his arm off for me if i needed it. NEVER have i had someone put as much if not more into a relationship as me and he does . He puts his whole heart into making us work . We are so alike it’s scary sometimes , i mean we practically read each others minds . We connect mentally , emotionally , physically , i’ve never had feeling for someone like this before . He is perfect, everything i do he finds charming or cute or endearing . I find him breath taking and smart and funny oh list could go on forever . I finally found my Mister right and i love him with every breath in me . It was love at first sight i was just to broken and damaged to realize it till a week or so later when i finally told him i love him too. So with all the being said I’m finally with the person i was always meant to find . He is my happily ever after and my forever ! My Mister RIght !!! 

[sunshinendarkness0623]

Life after him

So life after any death is hard, its a day by day type of deal. Most people like to spend the time around loved ones sharing story's of the persons life or talk about their last beautiful moments with the person who passed. I also did all of those things. I sat and talked about how the last moments with my husband were some of the best moments i had with him in a very long time because the last 12 hours i had with him were like when we started dating. He told me he loved me and he held my hand and he sang the song he first sang to me and also danced to at our wedding . In those last moments I had the man i fell in love with back even if it was for just a few hours i wouldn’t have changed those moments for nothing in this world. Now i love to talk about my late husband he was a good man and he loved me but people didn’t know who he was behind closed doors. He was kind of a monster sometimes when he would drink he would get mean and lash out or make comments to start a fight. My husband had been lost for a very long time from the pill popping when we first started dating to right before we got married he started doing meth behind my back and then it was meth and drinking heavy everyday. He finally got off the meth but he kept on drinking in fact it got worse. Now i know what your thinking , why did i stay with him ? Why did i put up with his shit ? Why didn’t i just cut my losses and divorce him? Well the short answer is i was so damaged by everything i had been thru with him i thought well who else is gonna put up with my bull shit . He had me thinking that no one else would ever put up with my flaws like the did and i believed him. I never felt beautiful and i never felt like i could do better in my life i just felt stuck in this everyday routine. Work come home cook clean take care of my husband . What ever he needed his wish was my command . One time when we were arguing i told him I felt like i was the prisoner and he was the warden , if i stepped outta line he was gonna punish me . I don’t mean like physical i mean mentally and emotionally . He would shut down and shut me out , He wouldn’t talk to me for days sometimes other then short answers . I’m sad that he is gone but on the other hand i feel like i’ve been set free i can finally breath again. So life after him hasn’t been easy not one single bit i have had to find myself all over again , i’m having to remember what it feels like to be just me. Not someones wife or the sad young widow . I am no one but me now and that is scary as hell . My first thoughts after the funeral and everything was how am i gonna do this life thing without my partner ? How does life go on ? I can’t do this , I can’t be alone i’ve never had to do this life stuff alone. Come to find out i’m pretty good at being alone but the thing about being alone is the thoughts that come at night when your laying in bed alone looking at the ceiling in the dark that’s when being alone isn’t fun. So i did what any dumb women does when she gets lonely she seeks attention. Before anyone comes for me for making that statement , you are lieing to yourself if you say that as a women when you get lonely you don’t seek attention . YOU ARE A LIAR if you say you don’t . So i created a profile on a dating site and when i tell you i was so unprepared and someone should have warned me about what i was getting myself into because things have  changed so much over the past 10 years . People have gotten so bold , men don’t even flirt no more its straight to the point of weather i wanted to hookup or what. I’m gonna be honest at that point i didn’t know what i wanted . It was guy after guy saying the same things “ You wanna hookup” or “ let me see you naked” . I was just about to delete the profile and just keep crying myself to sleep and depriving myself of sleep and food when i came across this mans profile and the first sentence of his profile read “I possess big time anxious possum energy”. I was hooked at that moment so I swiped on him and hoped he swiped back on me. Well a few hours went by and he matched with me so i messaged him because the site i was on the women make the first move. He messaged back almost imminently and he was witty and smart and funny and not once did he ask for a nude or when i wanted to hook up . He asked about what i like to do and he asked to see my dogs who i love with all my heart. He gave me his number and we started talking on the phone and texting and he asked me to hangout one day. He is sweet and caring , He tells me everyday how smart and beautiful i am and he makes me feel so good and i don’t know how to take him being so nice to me sometimes . He makes me so happy and i love him and he loves me . He is my future and if he decides he will be my forever . So life after losing someone you love it gets better day by day .  

[sunshinendarkness0623]

Life as a young widow

Obviously from the title you can tell what this passage is going to be about. So I'm going to just jump right into it, Hello my name is Casey I'm 26 years old and as of July the 14th 2021 i became a widow. Now before anyone jumps to assuming my late husbands death had nothing to do with covid-19. The cause of his death is a different story for a different time. I want to start by saying the events that lead to his death was a up and down hill battle. My husband died very suddenly and so young he had just turned 26 on the 5th of July. Like i said I'm going to get into the cause at another time but right now i wanna focus on what life as been like as a young widow. I'm not gonna lie it sucks, it hurts like hell and most of all it's very very lonely. At first I was alright until someone asked " oh are you OK" or the famous "I'll be praying for you". Then it turned into being able to talk about it openly and i would be OK. People tell you "oh it helps to talk about it" and don't get me wrong it does help to talk and remember him as he was with people but you see no one really knew my husband for who he really was .He was sweet and caring, loving, hard working and generous. He remained most of those things most of the time until he started drinking heavily. See my husband was a alcoholic, he drank from the time he got up to the time he went to bed. Over all he was a great man and he did love me i know he loved me up until he took his last breath. The thing that puzzles me is that he never loved me as much as i loved him, and i say that because for almost 10 years i didn't believe when people who knew us on a personal level would point it out. Now I know he loved me in his own way but i don't think my husband really knew what love was. I knew he didn't come from a very loving family and he had his own set of issues but hell who doesn't ? To me when you really love someone you would do anything for that person no matter the cost. Perfect example when we first starting dating i was fierce, i didn't take no shit and i didn't back down from anything or anybody. He told me i was to bitchy and i needed to change so i did, i changed everything he thought was negative about me and became the person he wanted me to be. Little did i know i would grow to hate that women i had become all because i was doing what the person i loved asked me to do. Now when it came down to me telling him he needed to make some changes in his life for his own good he would tell me to mind my business or that he wasn't gonna change for me and that if i didn't like it i could leave. Now don’t get me wrong I loved my husband and i still do but what i thought was love wasn’t what i deserved. Like i stated before i know my husband loved me till the day he died he just didn’t show it and i don’t think he knew how. When things were good they were very good but when things were bad well bad isn’t even a strong enough word. The days after he died got harder and harder . I felt lost and I didn’t know what to do with myself. I lost so much sleep and I didn’t eat . To be honest I was relieved not that he was dead but that he was at peace and that he wasn’t in pain anymore . My husband was a child cancer survivor, hell he fought for health his entire life he was a very sickly person. I knew what i was signing up for when i started dating him, i knew the risks and i knew his medical history. I knew our life together wasn’t going to be easy. Little did i know i was what kept him from giving up a long time ago. I was his reason for living, i thought he was mine and he was my reason in that season in my life. He was my world for almost 10 years and i wouldn’t change loving him and marrying him , the only thing i would have changed was putting up with the things i didn’t have to . I should have knew my self worth and respected myself enough to demand that he treat me with that respect. Now that it’s all said my husband knew he was gonna die at a young age . He would tell me to move on and find someone better then him and find someone who can take care of me. What kind of person would i be if i left him when he needed me the most and i wouldn’t change the decision to stay with him even when he put me thru hell for nothing because it made me strong and it taught me to be patient and he was a first real love and even if he didn’t love me like i loved him i’m so blessed that i could make him feel what he made me feel which was undeniable, unconditional love. Now i know my worth and i know what i deserve . I’m changing my life for the better i’m not settling for less . For once in a long time i’m so happy and excited to see what my future holds. I have someone in my life right now who treats me like i deserve to be treated and he loves me . We share the same love language, when we’re together minutes turn to hours and he makes me smile like i haven’t smiled in a very very long time . He loves me for me, he loves that i’m fierce and that i don’t back down and he encourages me to go back to school and make something of myself and he’s supportive and funny. He doesn’t get angry with me over silly things and he understands how i feel and most importantly he respects my late husband, he may not agree with how he treated me or how he talked to me but he wants to know about him and what he was like. I’ve shared good and bad story’s of my husband with him and he listens and understands why i am the way i am . This man was made for me. My husband always told me if something was to ever happen to him he would send me someone who would truly love me and who would take care of me in every way.  I know in my heart my husband sent this amazing man into my life to help me get thru this rough , confusing and emotional time. So the life of a young widow , well it’s crazy and scary and exciting but also emotional , and bitter and lonely . No one will ever know how it feels to lose the love of your life so young until it happens . People come in our lives for seasons some are meant to stay a life time and some are meant to stay for a short  but meaningful time . My husband made me appreciate the small things in life , and to be grateful for what i had , he also taught me how to be a better me .This new man in my life has taught me that it’s ok to be sad and that it’s ok to feel the way that i do . He is also teaching me that its ok to love two people because both him and my late husband have a place in my heart neither could take the others place because i love them both in different ways and that is ok. All i have to say is i couldn’t have been sent two better men to love me. So in closing i’m gonna say after every storm there is a rainbow.