superbouquetstranger

[superbouquetstranger]

Handa na ba akong pakinggan ka ulit? O, mararamdam muli ang pait sa dibdib kapag narinig kang muli?

Ika'y nagdadala ng kulay sa aking buhay Ikaw ang nagbibigay ng kasiyahan sa aking mundo Ikaw ang nagpapagaan ng puso ko Sa tuwing may mga pag-subok ang mundo

Ngunit sa kabila ng saya Sa kabila ng pagbibigay ng kulay mo Sa kabila ng pagpapagaan mo sa dibdib ko Sa kabila ng pagpaparamdam mong hindi nag-iisa ang kagaya ko

Madalas ikaw rin ang sanhi kung bakit lumuluha ang mata ko Ikaw rin ang dahilan kung bakit sumasakit ang dibdib ko Ikaw rin ang dahilan kung bakit ko naaalala ang masasayang nakaraan Ikaw rin ang dahilan kung bakit ako umiiyak gabi-gabi at inaalala ang mga taong wala na

Hindi dahil ang puso ko'y bigo Hindi rin dahil nasasaktan ang puso ko Kung hindi dahil sa mga naalalang tao Na wala na ngayon sa buhay ko

Maraming ala-alang binuo habang ikaw ay pinapatugtog Nakikisabay sa iyong tono habang ang katawan ay yumuyugyog Sumayaw, tumatalon, tumatawa, habang iniindak ang katawan Maraming masasayang alaalang binuo habang ikaw ay naririnig

Ngayon sa mga lumang tugtugin Handa na ba akong pakinggan ito muli? Handa na ba akong alalahanin ang masasayang alaalang naidulot nito? O mata'y luluha dahil sa labis na lungkot na nadarama habang ikaw ay tinugtog?

Musika Ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit nagkakulay ang aking malungkot na mundo Ikaw rin ang sanhi kung bakit naaalala ko ang mga taong wala na ngayon sa buhay ko Marami kang bitbit na mga aral na babaunin ko habang nabubuhay ako

Marami rin akong alaalang nabuo Habang nabubuhay pa ang mga taong mahal ko Na sila ang rason, kung bakit ang mata'y lumuluha Dahil sa mga taong mahal ko, na wala na ngayon sa buhay ko

Sa mga lumang tugtugin na napakinggan noon Pasensya na Dahil hindi pa ako handang marinig muli iyon Dahil hindi pa ako handa sa reyalidad Reyalidad na hindi ko na sila makakasamang muli habang ika'y pinapatugtog 

Maraming salamat sa alaalang naidulot mo Sa mga tawanan at indakan habang nagkakasiya sa tugtugin mo Maraming salamat dahil kahit minsan, napasay mo ang kagaya ko Dahil ngayon, wala akong nararamdaman kung hindi bigat sa dibdib ko

Sa mga mahal ko sa buhay na namaalam na Pasensya na at hindi pa ako handa Hindi pa ako handa harapin ang katotohanan Katotohanang wala na kayo sa buhay ko

At wala akong magagawa para maibalik ang mga buhay niyo Maraming salamat sa pagmamahal na binigay niyo Mas tinuri niyo pa akong anak, kesa sa mga Tito ko. Maraming salamat sa mga tawanan, iyakan na babaunin ko

Hangga't nabubuhay ako Mamahalin ko kayo At patuloy aalalahanin ang mga alaalang binigay niyo Dahil sa saglit na iyon, naging masaya naman ako

Hanggang sa muli, Nanay at Tayoyo

[superbouquetstranger]

"Masaya lang naman ang buhay kapag bata ka, eh."

I've had a breakdown yesterday for missing Tayoyo. All of a sudden, while I was reading a book, my tears starts to fall for missing my Tayoyo. And, I haven't had stopped crying since then.

I remember when my Lola passed away in some February, Tayoyo said, "Masaya lang naman ang buhay kapag bata ka, eh." And, that hit me. Because at that time, it was true in my own perception. When I was a kid, all I had to do was to play around. 10-20, Chinese garter, Bente Uno, Ice ice Tubig, and all other habulan stuff, I did it on my childhood.

I've had to admit that my childhood isn't perfect. There were some fights with other kids, some asarans, some bully-hans, some sabunutan. But, that was a part of a childhood. And, that's where you're going to grow. Maybe that's the reason why I still can't leave my hometown even if I have a choice. Maybe I'm still holding to that "innocent" me, and most of the time, I want to bring that back. I know, we can't bring back the time. But, sometimes, how I wish that I could stay with those times forever even if I know to myself that it really is impossible.

And, one of the reason why I want to bring that back is my Tayoyo. My Tayoyo who has been there whenever I needed support, who has been there to love me despite of my imperfection. Despite of everything that is happening. He's there when I needed someone to boost my confident.

Some people would describe my Tayoyo as "matabas ang dila" which somehow is true. Most of the time when Nanay and Tayoyo were fighting, Tayoyo would say some terrible things to Nanay. And, I will see Nanay cry because they fought. But, despite of all the challenges, circumstances, they were able to surpass all of it. I have witnessed their love, and I have witnessed the soft side of my Tayoyo especially when my Lola passed away.

Watching #LoloAndTheKid movie reminds me of him. He's imperfect. But, I know he tried his best to show his love for me. Especially, when I'm seeing him namumulot ng kalakal just to buy me fruits and cakes. (Gaaaahd. I missed that.) Knowing that I was the one who were working, but ako 'yung may pasalubong whenever I am home.

My Tayoyo maybe so marumi sa lahat ng tao, but that will never replaced how I have known Tayoyo for the past years of my life. And, I have to admit... 21 years is not enough to be with my Tayoyo. I know, he's happy in heaven right now. But, sometimes I couldn't stop myself from missing him. And, I don't think I would get over with that heartache.

Sa pagkakaalam ng asawa ko, the reason why I keep singing #Carpenters because of Mama Rose. But little did he know that one of the main reasons as to why I'm singing that song. Because there were times when Tayoyo tried to teach me on how to sing a song. And, he was an avid fan of Carpenters. I stopped singing that since 2021. But, thank you so much to my husband to make me remember how much I love Carpenters because of my Tayoyo. 

[superbouquetstranger]

If it's meant to be, it will always be.

I've always believed into that quote. I find myself writing it to my journal every time that I'm losing hope. As someone who shift her career, is not easy. Especially, that I've lost my recent job who can help my family financially, I have no backups. Good thing that I have a husband who has a provider mindset.

I'm in the stage where I'm looking forward of marriages, having kids. And most of time, I keep denying to myself that I want children. Only because I'm thinking it's a bit too late. That's why I actually find it ironic when teenagers find it so easy to conceived. But, in my part, it is clearly not. My husband and I are almost 3 years of relationship, but still the Lord said, it's not my time yet.

Sometimes, I'm questioning myself. Thinking if I'm worth it to have a child. Especially, that I have a lot of shortcomings. Yes, I have to admit that I have no patience in terms of life. But, I also know to myself that I'm already on the right age to bear a child. And, it feels like it's too late to have one.

But, most of the time, I'm always coming back to that quote that I keep reading in other social medias. Na walang late, maybe... it's the Lord saying that it's not my time yet. And, for that... I'm using that time to heal. Because my child deserves the best Mom in the world. I know, God will give it in perfect time, at perfect place. And, sa pakiramdam ko, 'yung time na 'yun, ay malapit na.

I'm always grateful that I have broken the curse of my family. My Mom got pregnant when she was 23. And, she told me that I was only an accident. But, she chose my life rather than to be a "dalaga" in the eyes of people. She doesn't have everything, but she gave me the most important thing.... which is she gave me life to live with.

I'm now 27. And, has a husband whom I know is ready to be a father of my children in the future. And, I know that the Lord sees it. That we're ready. We're just waiting for HIS time.

Because his time, has been and will always be a perfect one.

[superbouquetstranger]

"Kapag magulo na ang mundo Ikaw ang payapang hinahanap-hanap ko."

Sa halos tatlong taon natin magkasintahan. Nagagalak ang aking puso dahil sa wakas, nakita ko na ang kapayapaan. Kapayapaang araw-araw inaasam Kapayapaang araw-araw gustong makamtan.

Sa wakas, natagpuan rin kita. Sa halos tatlong taong pagdududa Sa halos tatlong taong parating nangangailangan ng kapaliwanagan. Sa halos tatlong taong pakikipag-usap sa iba kung tama pa ba'ng ibigin ka.

Sa wakas, lahat ng tanong ay may kasagutan. Lahat ng ito ay may kapaliwanagan Lahat ng mga pumapasok sa aking isipan Ay onti-onting napapalibutan ng katotohanan.

Sa wakas, masasabi ko na ulit sa sarili kong mahal kita. Masasabi ko na rin sa sarili kong ikaw ang gusto kong makasama Masasabe ko na rin na ikaw ang hiniling ko pang-habang buhay. May pag-aaway man, pero sa wakas. Nakita kita sa gitna ng kadiliman.

Ako'y nagagalak. Ako'y nasisiya. Sa aking mga natagpuan. At sa mga bagay na nangangailangan ng kapaliwanagan.

Salamat dahil hindi ka sumuko Salamat dahil pinatunayan mong mahal mo ako. Hindi lamang sa akin, Pero, pati na rin sa mga mahal ko sa buhay.

Salamat sa mga yakap na nagbibigay sa akin ng kapayapaan. Salamat sa mga halik mong nagsasabeng ako lang ang mahal. Salamat sa mga tenga mong napapakinggan ang mga hinaing ko sa buhay.

At salamat. Salamat sa pagkapit sa mga panahong sarili ko'y hindi ko na rin maintindihan.

[superbouquetstranger]

I started to come back to my senses.

It's been 2 years since I have decided to keep my hair short. And, I have never been myself for 2 years. For 2 years of carrying the burden of betrayal, hurt, pain that no one would ever understand. Sure, I did some terrible things. I didn't know myself that time. Because, if I'm in pain, I tend to do things that I never liked.

It's been 2 years since my trust was gone. I thought, binuhay lang ako ni Lord para parusahan. I thought, I would suffer this lifetime forever. I thought, the bitterness that I have in my heart will remain inside of me. But, things are started to change.

I suddenly stopped overthinking, I suddenly stopped questioning my worth. I even stopped cutting my hair whenever I had chances to do it. I don't know what the Lord did to me. But, I appreciate all of it. Because it feels like I'm starting to get the healing that I deserved. I started to be myself again. And, I AM STARTING TO CHOOSE LIFE. AGAIN.

I know to myself that I'm still far from what the Lord wants me to be. But, I also know to myself na sobrang layo ko na compared to before. I guess, I've had to go through a rough patch to get where I am today.

I'm starting to love love songs again, I am starting feel the love that people are showing me. And, I'm starting to appreciate the life that I have right now. I know, it's not perfect and it's not the life that I have dreamed to myself. But, I'm still thankful.

Sabi nga nila, one of the things that most of the time we can't afford is peace of mind which I'm starting to have right now.

And, I wouldn't do all of it without my wings who taught me on how to fly in life. So, thank you, as always... JEM.

I am starting to want my hair grow again. ❤

[superbouquetstranger]

THE CLOSET HAS BEEN OPEN

Earlier today, I talked to my mom about everything that’s been happening, though I didn’t go into all the details. I just told her that our company had been suspended or was under investigation, but I didn’t share why. She understood what I meant, and since that conversation, I’ve been slowly coming to terms with it. It’s been tough, but strangely, a couple of companies have reached out and shown interest in me, which has given me some hope. It's almost like a little sign that things are going to be okay.

In the meantime, I’ve started using the 3-6-9 manifestation method to help me refocus. My plan is to write down my desires one by one, starting with finding a new job, and then continue manifesting other goals in a separate notebook. I have so many notebooks—mostly for work—but now I’m using them to try to channel my energy and set intentions. I really hope all of this effort won’t go to waste just because I lost my job. I’m trying to believe that everything happens for a reason, and that there’s a better opportunity out there waiting for me.

I’ve already signed the necessary documents for the new companies that have made offers, and while it’s exciting, I’m also feeling a little anxious. My main struggle is with interviews. I know I have so much to offer, but I just freeze when it comes to answering questions on the spot. It’s like I can’t find the right words or articulate my strengths in the way I want to. If Renaissance doesn’t work out, I’m really hoping Sphere will give me a shot. I want them to see my potential, to understand what I can bring to the table. I really hope they don’t regret it if they decide to bring me on board.

Right now, I’m still unemployed, but I’m trying to stay productive by focusing on journaling and working on self-improvement. I’m still not fully confident in how the 3-6-9 method works, but I’m committed to figuring it out. I think I’ll dive deeper into researching it and keep taking notes in my journal to fine-tune the process. I don’t want to rush it; I want to make sure I’m doing it right. It feels like a good way to manifest positive change in my life, even if I don’t fully understand it yet.

Also, I couldn’t help but notice how on-point the verse for today was. It felt like a message I really needed to hear. I was this close to sending an angry email to Ms. Angela as an act of revenge, but then I stopped myself. I’m scared that it would only make things worse, and honestly, I don’t want to add more negativity to this already tough situation. I’m really trying to focus on healing from everything that’s been going on. It’s been emotionally draining, and now, to top it off, my period is making everything feel ten times worse. It’s like my body is in overdrive, and I’m just trying to keep it all together.

But I’m holding on to hope. I’m still taking things day by day, learning from each experience, and trying to stay open to new opportunities. I know that something good is coming my way; I just have to keep trusting the process.

[superbouquetstranger]

The Unrevealing Truth

I just got terminated from the job I worked so hard for. Honestly, I’m still struggling to accept their decision. Yes, I made a mistake to get the job, but I know in my heart that I proved to my best friend—and to myself—that I deserved it. I was fully committed, working long hours, pushing myself to be the best. I became a top performer, and the manager and CEO praised my work. But here I am, facing termination, and for what? Helping others get an opportunity they deserved too. It feels like the very thing I was proud of—helping others—was the reason I was discarded.

I can’t help but feel it’s incredibly unfair, especially when there are others in the company who did the same thing but are still keeping their jobs. How is it that they get to stay when they made the same mistake, yet I’m being shown the door? Now, I’m left wondering where I’ll go from here. I know there are other opportunities, but after all the time and energy I put into this job, it’s hard to feel motivated to start over. It’s not just any job—it was the job I had dreamed about. And now that’s gone in an instant.

My mom still doesn’t know what happened to me, or to my best friend. She has no idea that I lost my job. I feel like I’m carrying this weight alone, and I don’t know how to explain it to her. It’s hard enough to explain it to myself. My best friend lost her job too. She was terminated for defending me, for speaking up and sending a direct email to the boss, trying to make sense of the situation. I don’t even know if there was a real reason to fire us, but I’m seriously considering consulting a lawyer. Is it even legal to terminate someone based on an accusation of cheating, especially when we’ve proven ourselves and performed well? It feels so wrong, and I need to know if we have any recourse.

It’s also ironic how the company was so full of compliments and praise at first. They made us feel appreciated and valued. But the moment we made a mistake—something so small compared to all the hard work we put in—they didn’t give us a second chance to prove ourselves. They said they’d welcome me back if I returned, but I honestly can’t imagine going back to a place that turned on me so quickly. Ray said I was a liar, a cheater, and even called me a puppet master. And what’s worse is that they’re still talking about me behind my back. They never gave me the benefit of the doubt, and now it feels like they’re still spreading lies and gossip about me.

There are days when I want to get revenge, to expose them on social media for the way they’ve treated me, to let everyone know the truth. But then I remind myself that’s not who I want to be. It doesn’t change the fact that what happened to me was wrong. And, honestly, I still haven’t received the NDA, nor is there proof we even signed it when we were hired. They left us in the dark, and that only adds to the feeling of betrayal.

I’m struggling to come to terms with everything. My mom doesn’t know, and I’m terrified of telling her. She’s going to be so disappointed, and I don’t know how to face her. My husband has tried to explain things, giving me his reasons for why we were let go, but it doesn’t add up. If they let people go for financial reasons, then why were my best friend and I—the top performers—let go? We were doing everything right, and still, we ended up on the chopping block.

Now, I’m back to square one, jobless, feeling like I’ve lost everything. I regret helping my friends, even though I know I did it out of kindness. But now, it feels like my kindness led to my downfall. Or maybe this is how things were meant to unfold. Maybe this is part of the journey, even though it’s hard to see that right now. They say everything happens for a reason, but I just don’t understand what that reason is. I can’t accept that this is my reality. It feels like I’m starting over, but I’m starting from a place of pain, frustration, and confusion. How do I rebuild from this?

Lord, in John 14:6, you say, “I am the way, the truth, and the life.” Please show me the way, because right now, I feel lost. Life feels so unfair, and I’m struggling to understand why all of this is happening to me. Why do I keep facing setback after setback? Why does it feel like I’m being punished for things I don’t fully understand? I need your guidance, Lord. I need your strength. I don’t feel like one of your strongest soldiers right now—I feel weak and uncertain. Please, help me find my way through this. I don’t want to stay stuck in this feeling of helplessness. I just want to understand the purpose behind all this pain, and I need you more than ever to show me that there’s hope beyond all of this darkness.