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Music

I used to think I was the next hot thing. I quit that and I gave up or whatever and I probly have written like one song per year tops but I wrote one tonight. Its not about any particular thing. just desire. 

I used to never title them but IM going all high school journal style

Salinity by Erik Harris

I want you to know my hands, like no one before

as long as a lifetime. Untill I dissolve.

I would be your blood cells/ your veins carry me home. Filling you inside/ the marrow in your bones .

My mouth can always feel the way, your words move my tongue. 

taste you like the ocean salt. Miles before the shore 

I would be your oxygen/to fill your heart up full. 

to magnify inside your lungs/make your body float. 

I long for what I am yet to know and what may always be unknown. 

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Pt. 3 Where I am now

A really beautiful thing happened inside of me. I found meaning in life. This may be silly to a lot of people and come off as quite dramatic especially to people who know how dramatic I am. I am a 27 year old man in the army covered in tattoos haha SO sometimes the idea that people have of me is quite different from the reality of me... as I suppose it is for everyone. BUt not quite so as I know many people who are exactly as they seem. 

Since january I have been in a severe depression (Bipolar Type 1-as if it even fucking matters-I dont want to get into a social discussion about it) I am obsessive,,, in a way that allows me to basically be good at anything I do. This is a blessing but it also drives me to be reckless and depending on how many projects I take on I am often in the middle of a bunch of half started crackpot ideas. short story long I was fucked. I will embark upon explaining that whole period of time (feb-oct 2012) at a later date In part 1 . 

I was at the height of what doctors call "mania" last month and I read this book ( I usually only read depressing french and russian novels about murder and sexual conspiracy/ books about buddhism) But I read this book at my psychiatrist behest and I stopped taking medication and started lifting weights again. The book was called "mans search for meaning" which is totally corny and I had no desire to read it. I felt as though I was benevolently humoring my doctor and sort of stepping down from my intellectual high horse to condescend unto the commoners below. (im an ego maniac sometimes as we all can be..but I revel in it) I will talk about this period in Part 2. 

The beautiful thing! Love. I feel it. Deep like reservoirs in the northern valley of mexico populated by the olmecs where mystery and life remains. I know how silly this all may seem but I can only say what is in my heart and if I am rejected or loved either way I can only stand by my words. I see what is worth loving and living for in this life. For so long all I saw was misery and corruption built upon a meaningless existence brought about by random atomic functions. It was truly horrid. I was like Justine in Melancholia. I hated sex, socializing and anything that everyone was doing. it all became this sick device that everyone used as a means of self worship. I had been off facebook for the last year which is smart because that started it but then I had my initial tumblr which I enjoyed but I was doing an advice column and the message were starting to drive me nuts. Everything appeared to me in life as a distraction from the fact that Life truly has no meaning. But even though no event in my life has changed necessarily my mood has shifted from despair to bearing witness to beauty and joy. I feel for the first time in many years (possibly ever) I am becoming aware of my own self worth and power as a person. I am loved and cherished by people. I was shocked initially to have watched as my "close friends" from back home made little to no effort to even respond to my attempts at contact i.e. email, phone calls, facebook etc. But those people are happily contained in their world and if I am not desired there then it is not a judgment of my worth or value. I am sometime shocked by women still hahah but anyone who knows me knows that has always been a fine line of danger with me. I am free. I do not anticipate bad things anymore. I do not worry about another depressive/manic episode. I am not dreading and fearing life. 

Dont get me wrong im not a fucking idiot with my head in the clouds. I have just regained confidence that I forgot that I used to have and didn't realize I had lost it. I do not want to come off as some haughty asshole or seem as though I think all is hunky dory ( I still feel sick about social networking but I see the value as well) I am a single father and once I leave the service and return to california I know it is back to the grind and I am aware that no single woman that I have an interest in at this point wants to do more than be buds or whatever but I dont care because I am so invested in myself that I am not concerned. I know this is a lot of rambling but I never talk about this kind of psycho positivity and it needs to be put out there. - Erik Harris

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My friend Buz

Was totally right. I am a J.O.