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superpony9000 · 8 years ago

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I love you Amanda 💖 I’m sorry this is happening

My best friend, Ricky

This will be my last post on here for a while, or possibly forever. I don’t think I could use Tumblr again without crying my heart out. In some ways, this is a letter to Ricky. In other ways, it’s about the story of Ricky and I. But mostly, this is a way to pour out my emotions, because I am reflecting on everything, and while these thoughts are in my head, I needed to put them somewhere permanent. Since this is where this story began, it’s fitting that I suppose it ends here too.

I met Ricky (@dukexlr) on Tumblr in 2013. We became quick friends. Constantly replying to each other and sending “fan mail” to each other because a messaging system on Tumblr didn’t exist. We especially bonded over our mutual love in music, particularly the band Coldplay.

On November 22, 2014, we met in person and saw the film Interstellar together. The days leading up to seeing the movie, and even the day of, I was nervous. We had somewhat jokingly flirted with each other over the year we met online. I thought he was a very good looking guy, but I had no idea if he had any kind of serious interest in me in that kinda way. In fact, he cancelled meeting up with me a few days before the movie, but then later changed his mind.

November 22 finally came. He texted me that he was near my dorm and he parked next to a “K mart” (it was actually a Circle K across the street from my college dorm. This was the early beginning of me realizing just how big of a dork he is). I walked outside looking near the Circle K, only to see a tall boy walking the opposite direction of where he was supposed to be going. Somehow, I managed to get his attention, and he jogged toward me and gave me a sincere hug. This handsome, good smelling, 6'2 guy was hugging me, and I was hardcore swooning.

The entirety of the evening, I felt like Doug Funnie in that one episode with Patti Mayonnaise where they go to the movies and he’s like “Is this a date? Is this not a date? Should we hold hands?” I paid for my own movie ticket, but he insisted he purchase me snacks. Later on, I’d learn he wanted to hold my hand during the movie, but hesitated on it. Right when he was about to leave, he ended up kissing me, and told me that he liked me. I was such in awe and shock, that I told him I was unsure about how I felt (Dumb mistake by me, but I really couldn’t believe what happened).

A few weeks roll by, and he invites me to be his date to the Christmas party his CHP Explorers have every year. Having some time to process what happened with the movie “date,” I eagerly said “yes.” I was worried he wouldn’t want to see me again after me kinda rejecting him. When he came to pick me up, he was all dressed up in a nice suit, and brought a Christmas present for me. I had got him a present too, and we were both surprised by each other. The party went well, and when he dropped me back off, I wanted to make sure my intentions with him were clear this time, and we kissed in the doorway of my dorm.

I saw him one more time in December before I left on a trip to Italy for the month of January. We hadn’t made anything official at this point, but we messaged each other every day while I was away. Fast forward to February, and we’re making plans to hang out on Valentine’s day, where he casually mentions he was referring to me as his girlfriend while I was away. This day was February 10th 2015, and what I consider to be our anniversary. Unfortunately, he ended up getting a cold on Valentine’s day, so he stayed at home.

A lot of first times and experiences happen for us in 2015. We go to our first concert together. We go on our first trip to Disneyland together. We go to the LA County Fair together. We go the drive in movies together. So many things.

2016 rolls around. In February, he gets accepted to the CHP Academy in Sacramento (his lifelong dream), and has to stay there for 6 months to complete training. Up until that point, we hadn’t gone that long away from each other. That was a rough 6 months. Lots of up and downs, and tension between us.

I get to see him on March 26th, my birthday. We went out to a car show near my college, then my parents picked me up to go eat at an Italian restaurant for lunch. And then we went out go-karting. When we came back later that night, he told me he loved me for the first time.

May 2016, he’s able to come to my college graduation. August 2016, he graduates the CHP Academy, and I fly up to Sacramento to show how proud I am of him. He gets 2 weeks off before starting his new job as an officer, and we go to Disneyland again to celebrate.

November 22, 2016, Ricky and I celebrate 2 years of us meeting for the first time. We eat at a restaurant near the college where we met, and go to the same movie theater we went to see Interstellar to go see Moana. Later that night, he gives me a promise ring with my birthstone, Aquamarine (or as he mistakenly said once because he is a dork, “Aquafina”).

A few more months of happiness and good times happen for us. Some more Disneyland trips happen. More movie dates. More kisses. Then April 2017 happens.

All of a sudden, out of nowhere, Ricky gets diagnosed with leukemia. My heart sinks when I hear this news. I fell to my knees right where I was standing. Crying. Screaming. I didn’t want to believe this was happening. It couldn’t be happening. That’s my best friend. The love of my life.

Seeing his body just shut down on him so fast. That broke my heart. Eventually, we get news from the doctor. They give what is probably the best prognosis you could ask for: 90% of being cured with chemo. He goes through chemo. It’s hell, but he does it. It drains him of so much energy, but it works. But it also has its side effects.

June 2017. A day after a chemo treatment, while coming back from a walk, Ricky said he was confused. Soon after saying that, he was rapidly changing emotions. One second sad, the next angry, the next happy. Eventually, he couldn’t really communicate at all. We call 911 and we end up at 2 different hospitals that night. He stops recognizing his dad, and soon enough he stopped recognizing me. I break down. This is too much. We finally end up getting him to his regular hospital, where they reverse the chemo they give. He was experiencing “chemo brain” or “chemo fog”. He eventually recovers from that, and continues on with treatment.

A few weeks after that incident, the straw that broke the camel’s back happens. While getting treatment, he experiences an allergic reaction where his heart stopped. I wasn’t there when this happened, so I only know details from a second account. In some ways I’m glad I wasn’t there when it happened, but in other ways, I kind of wish I was. They managed to do CPR on him, and he’s in ICU for a little bit. He gets to go back home about a week later.

That was the last time he did chemo. After all the struggles he went through, he decided he didn’t want to deal with it anymore. At first he told me he did not want to stop treatment, but rather go monthly instead of weekly. I didn’t like it, but I was supportive. Eventually he tells me that he doesn’t want to do treatment anymore, at all. That decision was much harder to be supportive of.

July 15, 2017 is his 24th birthday. I visit him at home and bring presents from my parents and I. I recorded some video of him opening them. He looks so precious. You wouldn’t think anything is wrong.

August 2017, he’s slowly gaining back some strength. He’s starting to drive again, and we even go out for a little date at the Americana in Glendale where a live stream of a Coldplay concert was being held. We cuddled up in blankets and ate free churros and occasionally kissed while listening to Coldplay.

Now we’re basically up to present day. September 2017. I visit him a few times early in the month. We cuddle and watch cartoons and eat food. We mainly stay inside.

We make plans to go to the LA County Fair on September 17th. He tells me the day before he felt a pain in the left side of his arm, and he had an anxiety attack as well. I didn’t like the sound of this, because before we knew what was happening back in April, he told me he felt pain in the left side of his body. He reassures me that he’s okay. The last time I talk to him over the phone is September 17th at 11:25 PM.

Next week happens, and I get less texts from him. He mentions a fever happening. I beg him and make him promise me that he will go to the doctor if he didn’t feel better soon. He says “of course”. He doesn’t go. And it seems his condition worsens, and I hear less and less from him. It’s hard for me to focus at work, or anything for that matter.

This week, I have not stopped crying. The last text from him I have is September 26th at 12:45 PM. He said “I love you too.” I went to visit him at home yesterday evening, September 29th, because I learn his leukemia has come back, and is spreading. He’s not getting enough oxygen and is on morphine. He barely is able to speak, and when he does, it usually is nonsensical. He’s basically asleep the whole time. He apparently told his family he doesn’t want to go to the hospital. He told them if he relapsed, he didn’t want to get anymore chemo.

I tried to talk him. To beg him to please go to the hospital, for me. He eventually responded once to me, because at this point, I’m basically bawling my eyes out. He heard me crying, and opened his eyes, and said “What’s wrong, babe?” And I told him, “Would you please go to the hospital for me?” “Yes, yes, of course” he tells me, before going back to a sleep state. He was kind of aware that I was there, but not entirely. I managed to tell him I loved him through tears a few times, and sometimes I’d get an “I love you too” back.

But I want just one more conversation with him, if this is truly what he wants. Where he is completely aware of what is happening, and that I know he is telling me the truth. I want a proper goodbye. I want him to know how much I love him. I don’t know if I’ll be fortunate enough to get that opportunity. I feel like a sitting duck. There’s nothing I can do but wait around until something happens, and I hate that.

All I know is that I am heart broken. I don’t know what else to feel but sadness, anger, and frustration. Ricky is my best friend in the whole world. Losing him like this is really losing a part of myself. I’ve told him things I’ve never told anyone else, and I don’t know if I ever will be able to tell anyone else.

I love you, Ricky. Always and forever 💕💕💕💕

#my brother

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