supersanderman

[supersanderman]

Where I am Now

This is kind of a wrap-up post because I don't plan on continuing this blog, too much work. This post is mostly a vent, but after a rough couple of weeks, I need to. I often times reflect on where I am and how I've gotten to the point that I am at. It is moments like these where I think about everything that has led up to this point and I question how the life-altering decisions I have made, what would have happened if I went a different way. I mainly reflect because it makes me question myself and who I am, and my flaws. I struggle with anxiety and depression, a fear of losing people I care about, over-catastrophizing, and a general lack of self-love. It is a constant struggle between my rational and anxious brain and it breaks me. It has kept me from being able to actually take the time to love myself for who I am. I sometimes feel like I am broken beyond repair, but even that is a bit of the anxiety brain talking. My friends have pushed me to seek out therapy and practice self-love and breathing exercises to calm my mind. I feel like in this age of technology we don't have time to slow down. Everything is moving a million miles a minute and it breaks the brain. The built-up stress from being pulled in a thousand directions is taxing. And it doesn't help when FOMO and self-doubt hit you like shit hits the fan. I have often had to try and convince myself that my identity is valid because I came from a place where it wasn't. Not that my family or friends were homophobic, I just didn't have an outlet to explore. I sometimes feel like the emotional strain of battling your identity is enough to make you not want to get out of bed in the morning, coupled with everything else.

Plus there's the other difficult thing in my life I can't seem to figure out, and that's having a relationship. I don't know what I even really want out of a relationship, I just know I want to find someone I can have a genuine connection with that just...feels different than a friendship. I want my best friend to also be my partner, someone I can be goofy around and can go on spontaneous adventures with. Someone I can cuddle with and a shoulder to cry on. It's a really tricky thing to be honest, because I have been told time and time again I'll never be able to be in a relationship until I start loving myself. And for me, self-love is just hard. I do think that sooner rather than later the time will be right and I'll meet someone and we'll grow that strong emotional bond, but right now, that's not going to happen. The other thing is I need to figure out if I even want to be in a romantic relationship, or if I would prefer a QPR. Dating and relationships are so fluid anyway, no one truly knows what they want until they have it. I just want to be in a place where I am happy, and I think that will come with time. I have a broken past, but I definitely think that I can have a bright future.

[supersanderman]

Musicals and Gender Identity

My friends and I have been able to bond over a variety of things and one of them is musical theatre. I was a theatre kid growing up, although I had a very shitty director who treated his students like garbage, including me. I was only cast in two shows, blamed for breaking a spotlight he broke, lied to, and manipulated and it made me never want to do theatre again. But there’s something about Broadway and being able to blast a good musical number that makes all of your problems go away. And Broadway in particular also has been able to tackle some of the most pressing issues and themes in some of the best ways possible. One of my favorite shows is Rent with its rock style of music and deep themes such as living with HIV/AIDS, much of its songs like the titular title song “Rent” and “La Vie Boheme” act as commentary on the world and its priorities. Two lines in the show from the song “Finale B” hit very close to home, “Forget, regret, or life is yours to miss,” and “Give in to love or live in fear.” I have sometimes let the past dictate my life and I feel that now as I write this I continue to fight my past instead of growing and facing it. This especially comes through in grappling with my own queer identity, as for so long I didn’t know what I identified as, and my learning so late in life makes me question myself. Even now with my demi boy or masc-leaning non-binary identity, I still continue to question and wonder if I am satisfied with who I am. As for giving in to love, well, I think people need to look around. Drag shows and trans youth aren’t going to be the death of people. Guns are. Yet with republican lawmakers, many are willing to live in fear because they aren’t willing to give in to the principle of love and care for fellow humans. I especially despise when people use the bible as a means of going against LGBTQ youth, because religious freedom doesn’t mean the freedom to impose your religion onto others. There is a song from the musical “The Prom” which satarizes the idea of using the bible as a means to be anti-LGBTQ, insisting the rule that trumps the others in the bible is “Love Thy Neighbor.” Other LGBTQ musicals I love are Falsettos which focuses on queer relationships and HIV/AIDS in New York while also focusing on toxic masculinity and family dynamics and Kinky Boots which follows a failing shoe factory which switches to making boots for drag queens to stay in business. In Kinky Boots, the part of Lola was originally played by Billy Porter who I absolutely love. Other musicals such as Strange Loop which just opened focus on intersectionality and looks into the experience of a queer black individual. While I personally have not seen the show, I have heard nothing but rave reviews. I am also a sucker for Hamilton, which has a primarily POC cast. I personally missed broadway during COVID and feared that the pandemic would be the death of theatre. I saw Beetlejuice in fall and it was the first show I had seen in almost 3 years, and it was absolutely incredible. And even that show wasn’t afraid to poke fun at political and social issues. It was so refreshing to see a show after so many years of missing live theatre, and it has continued to inspire me to want to write my own show, potentially based around my own experiences. 

Speaking of my own experiences, it's finally time to detail the last piece of my identity. To start I have always felt that I didn’t fit the male gender, due to my being the complete opposite of certain stereotypes and typical traits. I never really felt that I was truly male, but I also never really felt truly non-binary. I felt that occasionally I felt more like a guy but other days I felt more gender-neutral. I didn’t know how to place my feelings until one day when a person in my section said some extremely sexist things and I finally went to my big and said, at this moment, I just don’t feel like a man, I don’t like men, and I don’t want to associate my gender with them because it's not me. They directed me to a new micro-label, demi boy, somewhere in the grey zone between male and nonbinary. I now feel so free, as some of my friends use they/them pronouns when referring to me. I definitely now feel more comfortable in my own skin, and I feel more masc-leaning nonbinary now more than anything, although I’m still comfortable with demi boy. I’ve realized more than ever that gender is fluid, and I have lived through that fluidity. It’s a beautiful thing really, and I’m thankful for finding an identity that fits me. 

[supersanderman]

The Power Of Friendship (and D&D)

Well, you made it to act 3, and this is usually the part of the Shakespeare play where things start to get juicy. But here, I wanted to focus a little less on juicy things because in my story, I didn’t really change identities further, I just solidified my own. I always kept questioning sure, which is eventually how I became a demi-boy, but in this part of my tale I just found people I care about, and who care about me. It’s…THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP!

But seriously, having a circle of people I could trust was probably the most important thing in my journey. It’s no wonder that I don’t really talk to my first college friend circle, I could only really trust two of them. Living with them was an experience for sure. Lots of fighting, and lots of blame games over dishes and cleanliness. I guess we were all getting back into society after being locked in a metaphoric dungeon for a year and a half, but it was bad. Speaking of dungeons, part of what made me really bond with my current friend group was Dungeons…and Dragons. The tabletop roleplaying game was part of the reason I could somewhat survive the pandemic and is responsible for bringing me even closer to my current friend group. It’s the same group from my professional fraternity. It started with my big Mox and then as more people joined our family grew. Friends became my safety net and my support circle, the people I could count on. When I went through rough patches they helped me survive. When I hurt my back and needed to go to urgent care, I asked Mox to drive because I didn’t have anyone else I could trust. It’s cliche but the power of friendship is real. Now more than ever with the idea of found families, friends can sometimes be more like family than an actual family. I am lucky that I love my immediate family but one of my close friends has all but abandoned their family, and they rely on their friends. Especially in friend groups that are not all cis-het like mine, we bond over our shared experiences and are able to bounce off each other’s chaos. It is how my high school friend group stayed together. We can share things with each other that we wouldn’t to other groups, not even people we’ve known our whole lives. Trust is so special because it’s hard to gain and so easily broken, and the best, closest friendships are built on trust. My friend for a documentary I made put it plainly, you aren’t going to please everyone, so it’s better to have one or two close friends you can share the dirtiest crap with who will listen and support you rather than a large group that will turn away when you need them most. I almost needed the pandemic to determine who my real friends are, and I am so glad I know who I care about and who cares about me. 

Throughout my junior year, I slowly was able to come out of my shell and while I played a character in a tabletop, I bonded with them every meeting. We discussed fandoms and musicals. Existentialism and the joys of Rutgers. Every moment I spent with them made me feel like I was able to really be myself. And D&D provided joy and lasting memories for months to come. But like many things, D&D needs to be unpacked. Character creation is one of the key parts of D&D but one of the many issues is something known as fantasy racism. Certain races are seen as monstrous such as orcs and goblins and these fantasy creatures create a sort of fantasy racism. One bit of lore from the D&D rule book discusses how half-orcs try and prove their worth among more “civilized races.” Similarly to that is the idea of elves, who are rich and light-skinned being superior to other races. Other tabletop games have been criticized for different issues. The Cyberpunk 2077 video game, based on the tabletop of the same name was criticized for fetishizing trans women by having them be on in-game posters with grossly enlarged penises. While the game is only based on the tabletop, the issue still persists. 

However, role-playing games have always been praised for their ability for players to make a character and  be anyone. Now characters can be any race and any gender, and many traditional fantasy tropes about race and gender can be eliminated. In terms of any role-playing game, it is important to understand how real-world issues bleed into the game and how sometimes it is important to draw boundaries of what should be included in fictional games. Now thanks to games set in the real world like Vampire: The Masquerade, there are sheets for lines and veils, things players want to only reference and not include. This allows a way to avoid games that feature issues such as racism, sexism, and religion. Overall, these games can be loved and appreciated, but also challenged to avoid negative stereotypes, and real world injustices bleeding into the game.

[supersanderman]

Sci-Tech Camps and A Few Fandoms

Oh… welcome back. I’m glad you decided to keep reading, clearly, you tolerated my first post enough to want to keep reading. I hope that you learned something from my first post, either about me, how universal some experiences are, or that learning takes time. If you learned nothing then hopefully this time around will be a little more educational.

So let’s continue the story of how I got to where I am today, and the biggest step was a Jewish Sci Tech camp in the middle of Massachusetts. It for many was a home away from home, and for me it was no different. I had gone there during its first three years of operation, becoming a pioneer camper and loving every step of it. The camp used a boarding school as home base, and they, as John Hammond in Jurrasic Park said, “spared no expense.” It was magical and as a kid I felt like I was in wonderland. Finally a place where I could be a nerd with people who were also Jewish. A place where everyone liked Star Wars and Marvel and Mario. 

Now flash forward to the summer of the second pandemic year of 2021, and I am a jobless soon to be junior in college. I hated my old camp, the toxicity could poision a person a mile away. I was done working for a place that did nothing for me, and made me feel like shit. So I decided to look into jobs at my old camp, a place where I felt at home. I was offered a position on the spot and I was ready to begin a new. And boy did I begin a new.

It actually probably started during staff training. Many of the people there were part of the LGBTQ+ community, and we had a training on what to do with kids who were questioning their identiy and how to make camp a safe space. I, at this point, was also questioning my identity and I knew I definitely wasn’t straight but I also didn’t feel I was queer. I had said if “how queer are you on a scale of 1 to 10” was the question, where 1 was straight and 10 was queer, I’d be a 3 or a 4. Definitely not entirely straight but not fully gay, bi or queer. And that was just fine. And then, as most things go, shit hit the fan and I once again began to question everything. I began to have feelings for a non-binary person named Caden. I soon came to learn that they also had feelings for me. I was filled with so many emotions, and I wasn’t sure where to place all of them. Long story short, we were alone one night, as close to a date at sleep away camp could be, and I hesitated, then I may have trauma dumped. It wasn’t pretty. We both became awkward until the third session where we finally got a chance to talk and we came to a mutual understanding and were back to being friends. But that night solidified everything I was feeling was real, and not just in my head. But that didn’t stop the imposter syndrome from hitting my brain like a truck speeding down the freeway. We would have prideday fridays and I would wear a shirt with a unicorn and a rainbow, but when I wore it, I felt off. Like I was lying to myself. It hurt, but I realized that those feelings were valid. It took some crying, some feeling helpless, some talking to people, but I was able to work through it. 

Other than that emotional journey of epic proportions, I got to run events and activities based on some of my favorite fandoms. My favorite was for an elective we had an activity I ran called something something something dark side, a family guy reference, where the campers had to design a new and improved death star and we would determine a winner based on a number of categories. And with that its time to break two fandoms down. Being at a sci tech camp we love Star Wars and Harry Potter but oh boy do they have issues. Both have been plagued with gross stereotypes. Star Wars in particular has been criticized for its stereotyping. The Gungans, especially Jar Jar Binks, whose speech and looks such as saying “misa and yousa” and having big bulging eyes seem to be stereotyping black people. Additionally, the Neimodians accent, and mannerisms stereotype Asians. The junker Watto is a Jewish stereotype, as he is a greedy alien with a big nose. Star Wars also has a history of having token black character, Lando from the original, Mace Windu from the prequels, and Finn from the sequels, which was called out by Finn actor John Boyega. Plus there’s a random lesbian kiss in the ninth movie, which I personally forgot about which has been criticised for being forced and an example of queerbaiting. 

Harry Potter isn’t much better. Token race and ethnic characters like Cho Chang, Seamus Finnigan, and Dean Thomas/Lee Jordan, the whole goblin banker jewish stereotype, especially being bad in the new hogwarts legacy game, and of course the dumpster fire that is J.K. Rowling’s transphobic twitter. Harry Potter has tried and failed to make things better by adding a trans character to the new video game. It is hard for a lot of people to try and enjoy these fandoms after their eyes are open to just how problematic they are. Some people just decide they are done and will avoid watching star wars and reading harry potter. I personally try and understand that, while not an excuse, the books and movies were mostly made well before this new age of analysis and representation. 

And now more than every, LGBTQ+ people have been trying to mix the fandom with their identity. Fanfics and ships try to make up for the lack of LGBTQ+ representation by making traditionally staright characters gay and lesbian, something I am all for. I am the president of a Harry Potter club at Rutgers and every year we do a charity dance. Last year we donated our funds to the Trans Lifeline as a direct FU to J.K Rowling. It's not impossible to love fandoms and be aware of their flaws. The fandoms can be appreciated while also being scrutinized for their shortcomings, and hating J.K. Rowling with every fiber in your body does not have to equate to disliking Harry Potter. The hope is that these cash cows will do better and create characters who aren’t just stereotypes and tokens, but rather are characters who serve a purpose as well as represent under represented groups. From the looks of Hogwarts Legacy that may be a pipe dream, but we can hope. 

References:

[supersanderman]

The Intro

Welcome reader. You have officially decided to join me on this journey into my mind and I want to first thank you and second off, I want to give you a warning, this isn’t always a happy carefree blog. I am going to share my personal journey of how I got to be where, and who I am today. Am I a rich success story? No. Am I an influencer or actor with thousands of followers? Not even a little. I am just a music-loving, D&D-playing demi-boy nerd who is trying (and many times failing) to love themself in a world that sometimes doesn’t give people enough love. I want to share my story so that maybe, people will be able to feel ok sharing their own. 

I am also probably going to ruin your favorite fandoms… no scratch that… I am going to make you think a little deeper about your favorite fandoms. You probably know the issues with Harry Potter and Star Wars and D&D already but I want to look at them once again, and see how we can appreciate them, despite their sometimes very obvious flaws.

But that comes later. Now back to my story. I’m trying not to be self-centered. Because my story isn’t that important. It’s just another story. But it’s my story, and I hope that is enough to make it valid to share. Let’s start at the beginning. I came from a small prominently white, prominently conservative town in the middle of nowhere New Jersey, Long Valley. It was quaint, quiet, and safe, like any other small white town in America. And like any small white town in America, it was a bubble, one that kept you on the inside, really preventing you from questioning your identity, and why would you? In my time in Long Valley: I was one of around 10 or so Jewish People, and I knew probably less than 20 people of color. In addition to that I knew one transgender person, who consistently was ridiculed and called their deadname, and I knew no one who was non binary, nor anyone at the time who was openly gay or lesbian. Hell, I didn’t even know the term nonbinary existed until I came to Rutgers. Eventually, I would come to learn that many of my closest friends from highschool were all “in the closet” during high school,  just a byproduct of living in a place with virtually zero diversity. It makes sense now that they were the ones I was drawn to. 

Rutgers meanwhile was a breath of fresh air for me, a place where I learned that people could actually express themselves and be unapologetically themselves. In Long Valley, sure I was myself, but I was myself blissfully unaware, and Rutgers became sort of a culture shock for me.I joined Marching Band, Choir, Creative Writing Club, all with the goal of continuing my passions. And as time progressed and I became more acclimated, I began to question who I was, especially when I came face to face with a former friend and their ex, who happened to be a former roommate of mine. Once a gay couple, they would always be in my room, and would always try and tear away at my identity, questioning why I was straight and if I liked being straight. I would be asked to rate the “hotness” of celebrities, and would be asked why I just “can’t be gay?” Long Valley me, was very uncomfortable. Identity should not be forced, and discovery should be a self guided process, not one that is made through invasive questioning. I remember one night, it got to a point where I left the room and would block their calls for the night as they just kept prodding and probing and asking why I “liked girls and not guys.” Now both of them are distant memories, and knowing what I know about myself now, it doesn’t really hurt as much, but it is still something that I look back on, as a reminder to always go at my pace. 

I made it most of the year still remaining cisgender and heterosexual and then shit hit the fan, as a global pandemic destroyed everyone’s way of life. There’s something about being trapped at home for weeks on end that makes you question everything about yourself. Maybe it was just the desire to escape, maybe it was wanting a fresh start as it felt like everyone else was starting over, but I just kept thinking. Thinking about who I was as a person, and I think that drove my desire to keep questioning. While it wouldn’t be until the summer of 2021 that I would actually really change my identity, I think the pandemic year was a sort of stepping stone into questioning and taking steps. I restarted therapy, realized who of my high school friends I actually cared about enough to stay in contact with, and overall wanted to try and grow in some way. It sounds cheesy but it was a goal of mine, because I learned so much about myself after being trapped and isolated for so long.

 I also joined a professional fraternity, Phi Sigma Pi in the Spring of 2021 where I met my big who is now one of my closest friends, Mox. They have been instrumental in my journey of self-discovery and identity, and have taught me so much about a world I had no window into. They validated my identity when others didn’t, and it was refreshing. In fact, they have started to use "they" to refer to me, and it is the most validating thing. To finally be in control of my identity for once is, in a word, wonderful. But the way I got there was a twisted path of confusion, anger, and fear. I hope you stick around to read the rest in upcoming posts! Oh, and yes, I still plan on ruining your favorite fandoms ;)