supersecretsideblog - Tumblr blog

[supersecretsideblog]

I am starting to feel overwhelmed! Not a good thing :(

But I got the drinks put up in the fridge and I scheduled the car inspection and my final free oil change. And I finished watching Dan's vid where he did a live show going over the paperback edition of his book.

It just feels like everything is SO in progress.

I was trying to look at my To Do lists online because I DO need to clean those up and get it all in 1 document, right now it's kinda in a few but also kinda not? It's all very very interesting. The amount of half done things in all the various locations IS wild.

But I think keeping my most immediate things on the agenda on my white board is the way to go. Tbh otherwise it's all way too stressful. I've just gotta do wat I can handle doing right now. And just sort out a way to go from there.

I'm just tryin to hold myself together. It just feels like everything is going everywhere rn and I just don't hav the emotional capacity for that at the moment

[supersecretsideblog]

I can't believe I was up so early.

Something I've not really been like mentally recognizing is that my days are A LOT longer than I think they are. Because I'm thinking that my day starts at 9am everyday and they go til I pass out, usually lately anywhere from 11pm to 3am. Which is a range, but still. But I am Not recognizing that my days don't actually start at 9am most of the time.

They're starting way earlier. I mean I set my alarms to wake me up at 6am this morning. I didn't really actually Wake Up til 7am, and I stayed in bed til 7:45 or 8am, I can't even remember which. And apparently wrote that post this morning, which I hardly remember writing either.

I was working on my recipe chart document :D Which is in a v good initial place for a first pass 'build the document' type of thing. So that's exciting :D I'm really excited about it, it starts off w/ a Curb Cravings chart, something I started the slightest bit of work on a while ago when making a chart about my habits. If I'm craving a soda, I should have a seltzer w/ fruit juice instead. If I'm craving fast food, what I'm moreso craving is food fast, so I need one of my like charcuterie packs or somethin instead.

I've got a section all for smoothies and shakes, since Ken and I wanna start workin on those more. I got all of the recipes I wanted from the Blogilates 28 Day Reset recipe book written out and the section is hella color coded and just organized so nicely. Then I started a Meals section and a Sides section and I put in all the things I make as sides and meals and everything. Wrote out my recipes from my recipe cards too :D

The only thing I haven't gotten to as well yet is my Recipes To Try section. Which IS gonna become a clusterfuck soon. I may just put it in a separate document, I've got one currently, but I think it'll be good to section it off because I hav those recipes in 50 million places. There's a word doc I made, I hav lil recipe cards, I hav recipe books, I hav an Instagram list for them. There's a million recipes. The thing of it is that you need a lot of ingredients I don't normally keep around and ya kno, it's a whole new thing you're doin. I'm not the best at tryin new recipes. BUT there are worse things.

So I've just been deep in that this morning not gonna lie. I'm pretty excited about it all. It's gonna help me a lot w/ remembering which food items I CAN make and which food items are gonna be less easy to make but are still options. Remembering it all is half the battle for me so this is gonna take a lot of that out which is gonna be nice :)

Ken is gonna come over tonight. We're just gonna get high and watch John Mulaney's show, Everybody's in LA. It's gonna be a lot but interesting, I'm presuming lol. I'm gonna try to watch some Youtube stuff before he gets here. One of the things I wanna do is get more caught up on Youtube so until Ken gets here and we can start the show, or when he's gone I guess, I'll be tryin to get into watchin Youtube vids. I hav a ton of long vids to watch so. Gonna take me 7 years but. We'll get there lol.

I do need to read documents for work, I need to do a couple of things around the apartment. We went grocery shopping last night so I need to restock the fridge w/ drinks and clean Zale's treat puzzle and refill it so he's got his treat puzzle to play w/ again :) I also need to schedule a time to get my car inspected. There are just so many things to doooooo. BUT it's ok, I'm workin on it all. I've got eyes on it and I'll hopefully get through as many things today as I can and there will be less to do tomorrow. There probably won't be lmao but we can hope for that can't we lol

[supersecretsideblog]

I am TIRED.

I did do a fair bit of stuff around the apartment yesterday. Even went grocery shopping, Ken and I finished up grocery shopping, I literally Ran Out Of Money going grocery shopping and I didn't even get any fuckin food, and spent over $160 but watever. I can't believe it's a week and a half til I get paid again, that's my only thing.

I need another job so desperately. It's wild.

Problematically too, I woke up hella early this morning and kept sleeping in til I Finally got up and even then, still don't wanna do the 1 lil task I need to do. I hav to close out this ticket, I HAVE TO, but good god I just don't want to. Cannot stress how much I do not want to do this and I might watch a bit of tv first tbh. I don't hav an issue w/ that.

I'm gonna stay home from work this morning. I need to read a bunch of documents anyway, of which of course I also do not want to do, but that's easier to stomach than this ticket tbh. It's an easy ticket, I've already basically tested it anyway, I just need to Officially finish her up. I just for watever reason really don't want to.

But it is wat it is. And I am happy to spend the morning to myselfand all my nonsense. I'm tired, I'm sleepy, I might nap again in a bit.

I want to make more positive changes in my life but it all seems futile to do right now. I hate that. I wish that were not the case. But alas.

Ok, my stomach Hurts and I am So Tired and I just wanna Lay Down so I think I'll do that just a bit more and then finally force myself to do some stuff for work so. Guess I'll get on that

[supersecretsideblog]

Something I v much dislike is when my particular brand of productivity is interfered w/. Which is to say I hate that I hav to work when I've been getting a lot of stuff done around the apartment lol.

I got a lot of physical things done this morning which has been nice, got stuff in a bit of a better place overall so that hopefully I can focus a bit more the rest of this week on more digital/mental/emotional tasks. It's good to get the apartment tidier too, less to focus on, less to stress about.

I do need to go grocery shopping this afternoon, and need to fill up Zale's treat puzzle afterwards, gotta get the lil baby some more treats for the treat puzzle lol, but then it should just, for the most part, be digital things to do. Shows to watch, long Youtube videos to see, lots of charts and lists to make and clean up and update.

I just don't care to focus on things for my actual job today? Which wouldn't be such an issue if the other QA guy wasn't here today. But he is. So. That sucks. It also sucks he keeps doing things I'd do, like I'm remembering that sharing my job w/ somebody is Difficult and I am not entirely a fan of it. I'd rather it all just came through me and I got to things in the time I wanna get to them. And just another reminder that every second I hav a new reason to leave my current job and find something, literally Anything, that's better.

I'm thinking actually that I'll take a couple of days off next week. Ppl are already off a lil bit for the holiday, and Katie is coming to town this weekend it seems like so even if it IS a holiday and I get extra time off, it won't Feel like it because somebody else will be here. And between her and Ken and everything I've been working on the past couple of days getting undone so I'll need to clean the apartment again afterwards and will get no free time to myself, I will get NO free time to myself this weekend and I fuckin can't stand that.

I will say it's nice having a boyfriend and friends but good god they interrupt you. Ya kno? I just wanna be alone and do my own things. I hav SO many things to do! How am I meant to get to any of it if ppl keep coming over and taking up time in my space? I miss the days where that didn't happen.

The amount that I don't want to go to work is ridiculous, quite frankly. It's insane. The lack of work I've gotten done today is also horrible. I just don't care. Now that I've gotten things in the apartment to a good spot, I hav to interrupt that progress and those vibes w/ this work nonsense?? I just don't care.

But not caring isn't exactly an option at the moment so. Gotta suck it up and get my shit together. It really doesn't help there's a meeting us QA members and the Tech Writer are attending together at 2pm to discuss everything that's getting released from this prior release. For starters, I haven't gone through her documentation for the most part yet. Secondarily, I didn't test a good amount of the tickets, so I just don't actually KNOW what went into them. And thirdly I hate running meetings and this is a meeting I would be running. With minimal information and updates and I just. I really cannot stress how much I do not wanna do this.

But we live life don't we so. I am alright w/ screaming.

God I hate this fuckin job. I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee this fuckin job

[supersecretsideblog]

I'm a little out of belief that this is the life I'm living.

I am so drastically unhappy. And stressed and tired and exhausted and a boatload of synonyms past that.

Things are just not going anywhere near the direction I wanted them to be at this point in my life. And that is upsetting. But not all hope is lost. And I've got the next month or so before I turn 30 to attempt to turn things around. So.. we'll see.

Things could be worse tho. I hav work soon, but I'm working from home this morning cuz I just don't feel like going into the office, tho I do hav to be on camera and I look like a nightmare rn so. Will hav to work on that in the next 15 mins.

Things could be worse. Ken is better. We had an interesting conversation last night about if we still need couples therapy or not. It was decided we did when he was asking my level of trust in him and I told him it depends on the situation and the thing. But I don't know how I could possibly trust that he wouldn't do something like what he did again.

And truly I do feel like the relationship ended there and I'm just continuing to be an idiot. But who knows.

What I do know is that I need to get my own stuff in order before I start worrying too much about Ken and his stuff. I am the one going through crisis and I am the one who needs to get myself out of it. And I've not been working hard enough on that part, the getting out of it part. I spend a lot of time upset and going over how to solve the problem and I spend no time actually working on getting the problem solved.

The solution is a new job. How many jobs hav I applied to this year? Hardly any, I do believe. And it is time to change that. It is time I change a lot of things but that is the absolute first place to start.

Ok, I'll fix my hair and come up w/ a plan for the day and we'll see how things go. But I am hoping it's a more productive day. I'd like to get a lot done

[supersecretsideblog]

Yesterday was busyyyy and then also not so much. It was regression, I was the one mainly running it, it went overall well I think, some good issues were found, most things seemed like they went smoothly. Regression isn't completely over, there's still some tests and things to do on Monday, but it should be over by Monday afternoon. So that's good.

I am tired. I can't remember why but I got mad at Ken and slept on the couch and my back hurtsssssss. He left this morning to go rock climbing w/ the cool young dude. And I think I get a bit of a me day today, though he wants to meet up at night but idk exactly when. He wanted to go out tonight but I had to remind him we hav a v adventurous morning tomorrow happenin so, I'm not really wantin to do all that tonight. Last night would've been the night to do it, but oh well. I hav SO many things I need/want to do today too.

I wanna finish Riverdale. I hav 6 episodes left which can be accomplished in 4 hours if I just watch it straight through, but I also wanna do the laundry and change out the bedsheets and clean Zale's litterbox and I need to go grocery shopping and paint my nails and clean up my phone reminders lol. LOTS to do, gonna try to get through a good bit of it today.

Plus it'll be nice to finallyyyyyyy cross Riverdale off the list :D That is one of the big shows on my Show Tracker that I wanted to finish up this year so that'll be a big accomplishment PLUS then I'll get to watch some of the other shows that are starting to pile up. I wanna start w/ the season 2 finale of Fire Country, I'm sooooo hype to see that, it came on last night so I'm not too behind on it yet. Then I wanna watch the new 4 episodes of Bridgerton, I did really wanna wait til the back half of the season comes out but too many ppl like that show, I'd get spoiled, so I'll watch it. Then I wanna see John Mulaney's show, it was 6 episodes and I just didn't watch it yet cuz I've been so focused on Riverdale. And then hopefully I'll get in a bit of a movie mood from there or see wat other shows to get into but. I'm excited :D I like when I can start really just crossin things off the list and as soon as I get through Riverdale, I can really start doin that again.

Gonna be a busy day, tomorrow will be a slight bit more of a rest day but not really. We're doin beach yoga, Ken and me, w/ A tomorrow, and then gonna go out for lunch presumably, so that should all be nice :D I've gotta do stuff for work and apply to jobs either today or tomorrow so depending on that, things may get busy today, idk. But we'll do wat we can.

Starting w/ food. I am hungryyyyy so it's time to eat some leftover pizza and then get started on some of this stuff I gotta do :D

[supersecretsideblog]

I do feel a lil like I'm starting to get my life back together?

Tbh do I remember much of last night tho? No.

I took a gummy around 5:30 and I think it started kickin in around 7 and I didn't do much cleaning or really much of anything, I think I watched some Riverdale? Ken came over at some point and brought dinner which was delicious, and then we watched some Riverdale and then fajoodled a lot lol and then he left :') and I passed out and didn't set any alarmsssss. But somehow magically woke up at 6:45 this morning.

Which was the right amount of time to find out that 2 of my tickets had unsolvable problems but the developers on the team already sorted out the issues and have the fixes being built by the system so hopefully I can get the new pieces installed in the website so we can test :D

The other QA guy is back today, he took one of my tickets as well, one I hadn't started on yet, and I was mostly done w/ one other one tho I did need to do a bit of re-testing for it. But that's fine. I'm just about ready to say it's made it over the line so that's good. Still a few things to do for regression, need to update some of the tests and things, but will do that hopefully later this afternoon. I think the third team is having a meeting this afternoon about Tests that I wanna attend, so I hav to go back to the office too which is gonna suckkkkk cuz I don't wanna do ittttt. But we live life.

But hopefully today will be the last 'prep' day and tomorrow can be doing regression and finishing things up and having the absolute slightest lil lull in things before next week. And this weekend hopefully I can fill out some job applications. And just spend some time resting and relaxing.

I really wanna get through Riverdale. It's wilddd I've only got 12 eps left!!! How is that even possible??? It's currently my 4th most watched show but it's about to surpass #3 but idk if it'll surpass the 2nd one so I'll just hav to keep watchin and see lol. I think it will but we'll see. And my show percentage tracker says I've watched 25% of my In-Progress shows lol but when I remove Riverdale after I finish it... that might go down to 23% lol idk. But insane the impact.

Today is Board Game Club and idk, I don't really feel like going tbh. I'm tired, my brain is fried, and at the end of the day all I wanna do is lay down. Plus I hav so much stuff to do around the apartment and everything, idk. I'm just not feelin board games tonight. But idk, we'll see, I might be feelin different in a few hours. Who knows.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh I don't wanna go bak to work :( Ughhhhhh

[supersecretsideblog]

I will say, today, I'm feeling more like a person.

I had the most minimal lil bit of energy this morning lol. I went to work, I got a couple of things accomplished which felt pretty nice cuz all it's felt like lately is an onslaught of things I couldn't get done. Still got a good bit of stuff to do but it's not Too Difficult so I'm fine w/ it all being how it is. Gonna hav to work outside of the 9-5 hours to get things done before tomorrow but that's ok.

I am crashing now tho, energy-wise, which I figured would happen. I had a lot of sugar to start my day so it only makes sense for it to crash me now. But that's ok, I got a good bit accomplished.

I came home a bit early because my meeting got postponed til after lunch so I did some cleaning and general tidying of the apartment, finally unpacked my suitcase from the trip this weekend, re-wrote my To Do list on my white board. I finally even sorted out all the pieces to commission art from that guy I met months ago to get a pic of Katie's cats made for her :) I emailed him so hopefully he gets bak to me at some point soon and says he's cool to do it and I can finally get this art made for Katie :D

Lots of things to still do today, and in general, but I'm gonna try to focus on smaller wins today so I've got some kind of sense of accomplishment lol and just to get the smaller things taken care of. Need to rearrange stuff in the fridge, clean up Zale's crumbs in his tree and clean up his litterbox, need to run the dishwasher and do the laundry and wash my hair, etc etc etc. Just minimal things but it's a decent pile of them so will be nice to get that taken care of and then it's just.... sortin everything else out lol.

But soon work will get a bit more complicated and hopefully also a bit easier, the other QA guy returns from vacation tomorrow lol so we will be sharing our 2 teams again and I'll be made to deal w/ the third team more than I hav been, and life will continue on.

I am hella crashing tho, I wanna take a nap lollll I am Tired. There is still 2.5 hours left of work, how is that even Possible ughhhhhh. Ok, let me run the dishwasher and lay down and we'll see if my energy decides to come back before 5pm. Cuz good god I'm tired

[supersecretsideblog]

God it has been a morning.

I didn't do enough. That's just the plain and simple of it. I uninstalled and reinstalled the packages, did some preliminary testing, but just ran out of time. Unfortunately, and partially also because I SHOULD hav been doing testing and instead I was playing Duolingo learnin some Spanish so. Absolutely on me. I mean, I was only doin it while the packages were uninstalling and reinstalling, but still. I could've tried to do some testing somewhere else... but the effort.

This morning tho, after all of that, now that work has Started, I am On It. Well, I was, now I'm hungry and at a slight lull so I was thinking of taking a break for Riverdale lol and lunch and then gettin back into it. But we'll see, things keep poppin up so...... who knows

[supersecretsideblog]

I problematically slept til 6am. Thank god I set alarms to go off every half hour til I had to leave for work.

I've spent the last 40 mins tryin to sort out which tickets I need to test, it is just 4 tickets it looks like. I need to uninstall and reinstall the packages for 2 of them so I'm tryin to get to the other 2 tickets Before I need to start uninstalling and reinstalling packages, which would be at 7 so I could have it done by 9, hopefully, so I can close out one more ticket.

But I think wat's gonna happen is I'm gonna keep workin on this monster of a ticket that needs to be tested, while the packages are uninstalling and reinstalling I can work on testing 1 other ticket because it's in a different package, and then hopefully if everything gets installed before stand-up, I can test the other ticket rightttt quick and hopefully hav 3 of the 4 closed out. BUT I don't think that'll actually happen, especially cuz I'm wasting my time writing this post.

Which isn't a waste, it's helping me cope and not get overwhelmed, but still.

Today is gonna be an absolutely long day. I am still exhausted, there is SO much to do, and I am just......... over it. I don't care, I'm tired, everything Sucks. BUT we live life do we not

[supersecretsideblog]

I hav so much to do tonight. I'm only gonna do some of it.

I need to do stuff for work but I just don't feel like it. I had a whole plan. To sleep after work, wake up and work. Only, it took me a bit too long to get to sleep and then I woke up too early so I had a nap instead of a proper sleep, and then I was just up and chillin and hangin w/ Zale and then Ken came over and he was meant to leave before midnight but of course he didn't get here til about 11 so he left at 1:20 after things were awk so. Now I've finished goin thru instagram and I'm like........ I wanna sleep.... I don't care about work??

I am annoyed things w/ Ken keep having all these issues. Like, it's Predictable issues will keep arising because this situation is untenable in the long term but it is v annoying in the short term when everything IS good and fine and happy and then it just ends up not being that anymore and then I'm like 'oh yeah this is why this won't last'. Which is v just........ bad any way you slice it.

Basically wat happened is we were hangin out in bed and obviously at midnight, or before, Ken was supposed to leave cuz he's got stuff to work on too tonight and he wants to work out too so we both had a lot of plans. But we got a free sample lil mini version of Fluxx, the card game, from the board game convention, which was pretty cool so we wanted to play it and see wat it was like, cuz it's 2 player and smaller and stuff. Turns out it's exactly the same as a generic game of Fluxx would be, it's just the cards are smaller lol but in a wild move, I ended up winning the game.

Well then Zale got all excited and was runnin around a bit and stuff, he was meowin, and I had told Ken multiple times that I'd already played w/ Zale before he came over, so I volunteered Ken to play w/ Zale w/ a string toy and get some of his energy out. And Ken just kept making excuses for how much he didn't wanna do that. Which I do understand because I volunteered him cuz I didn't wanna get back up and run around w/ the string toy again so I get it but I already did it and could he at least take it off my plate and anyway it escalated to me finally getting up and leaving the room and getting out a string toy for Zale.

Only for Ken to then also get up and start messin w/ stuff on the dining room table, which then distracted Zale of course so he didn't wanna play w/ the string toy, he wanted to see wat Ken was up to, so I sat down and was waiting and then Ken finished up his stuff but just came over and took the string toy? And he did play w/ Zale for honestly a good while, like it was a v decent amount of time, I just played games on my phone, because like if you ARE gonna do it, well now you've taken it from me. I was gonna play w/ Zale but now you've taken the stuff out now that I've gotten it out?? Either do it so I can stay in bed and not hav a whole long debate w/ you about if you're gonna do it or not or like just let me do it once I've already gotten things started. Idk. It was v annoying. Ken just finished playin w/ Zale and left pretty much.

And it's so frustrating so many interactions Ken and I hav hav something of that nature happen. It's just........ like..... ugh.

And it gets me in the mindset of like 'is this gonna be my life' not even just Zale related but like Ken potentially wants kids and it's like....... am I gonna hav to do this and go thru this dance w/ every situation a child wants attention or needs something? Does Ken only provide things when he wants to and it's easy? He brought over lots of tissue boxes, he was looking into the $25 concert tickets and when we can go to the movies to see a movie I wanna see in theaters before it's out of theaters so like am I just overreacting? Is he only good at research based things and easy things? Am I reading into this too much of it being indicative of something else? It's all hard to determine.

Wat I can say is it is quite frustrating and just makes me think 'this can't last' which is just v upsetting to think about. I don't wanna think about that.

I also don't wanna do this stuff for work. I haven't even determined the To Do list to see how long all of it is going to take me. I'm anticipating, from wat I saw earlier, that I hav 3 tickets and will need to pick up at least 1 more. I WILL need to uninstall and reinstall things, and that will take potentially around 2 hours to do. Testing 1 of the tickets is gonna take at least an hour as it is quite complicated. I'll give 2 hours to the other 3 tickets. So wat amount are we at, 6 hours? It's 2 am? That is def cuttin it close. Especially cuz I wanna lay down and ignore life til 3. So I'll just do as much of that tonight as I can. Nothing matters, we're all livin life.

God, I just feel SO drained by everything in life. Frustrating situations w/ Ken, this overwhelming amount of work and the especially frustrating part of me not liking to work on it during work hours, low pay and my financial situation, having to go to the office, it's meant to rain all tomorrow so that sucks, Zale's nose is still sniffly and idk why, the situation w/ my mom, the situation w/ my sister, everything. Just Everything is frustrating me and stressing me out and I'm SO tired of all of it. I'm SO sick of it.

Ok, I'm gonna lay down til 3 and then I'll get up and work and just do as much as I can til I go bak to bed

[supersecretsideblog]

I am just EXHAUSTED. I think I'm at a level of Burnout that is Not Good.

The weekend was nice w/ Ken, we had a really lovely time tbh, and we had a good night last night too. We came back w/ an insane amount of food and snacks (including 2 bottles of hot sauce, 3 lil jars of honey, 4 meals of leftovers, and nearly a whole lil cake, plus more), plus some flowers and a couple of vases and Ken bought me a lil makeup bag w/ butterflies on it and I bought a semi-matching one to it lol. We ended up seeing my mom because her dog is gonna die soon :( And it's just a v upsetting situation. We saw Ken's family, a good amount of them, we did a lot of exploring of my hometown, we got 2 v leaky coolers. The whole time was a situation lol but we made it work :D

But I am so tired and I'm gonna hav to work after work gets out tonight A Lot. Cuz I just don't feel like doing anything rn, I'm just too tired. I need to eat something, I think that'll help.

Ken left after lunch, which is kinda nice cuz I've got a lil time and space for myself but I AM so so so tired so I'm just laying in bed hating that I'm getting a million notifications for random conversations happening where I need to be paying attention to things. I'm just. Too tired to care much but I need to.

But ye, the goal is to somehow make it another 3 hours til 5, sleep after that, then wake up and do a bunch of stuff for work so. It's regression week this week, I can only anticipate a lot of things needing to be done and being exhausted the whole time so. Need to just prep myself for the fact that I will spend this entire week dragging myself to do a million different things. So.... that's gonna suck, but oh well

[supersecretsideblog]

I hav had a WEEK. I hav had A DAY. I was SOOOOOO upset at Ken and I just let him slink his way out of here w/o me really acknowledging it which is MEAN and I should not hav done that and should hav spoken to him properly about being so upset but I was and still am in a way and just didn't hav the scope for it.

Today, now that it's 3am, is gonna suck. I have to dye my hair, shower, finish packing, abandon my cat son and drive a couple of hours to my hometown and show Ken around and then go to a wedding.

But I'm taking a break, hopefully will at least take a nap tho I'm scared to. In order to dye my hair, we hav to go to CVS to try to print a picture as well, tho Ken wants to go himself and try to do it. I will still probs end up going.

I am a level of exhausted I can't articulate. I'm a level of just beyond my absolute limits that it is unfathomable. And this is the first night I've had to be sober in a bit too and I Needed that high, I needed to not be me feeling like me for a while. And I didn't get it. And instead I had to do a million things and somehow still hav to do a million things.

Today was insanely busy and did NOT feel like a day off even tho it WAS legally a day off from work. Work has been INSANE this week, as was expected, but still. TRULY insane and I nearly lost my shit or just was on the absolute verge of tears much too frequently.

I'm really, I'm at a breaking point and something HAS to change before I just go absolutely nuclear on my fuckin life. Before I randomly just disappear to a different town, get a different job, and start the absolute fuck over. I Am Tired.

I've got a million things swirling around in my head and this is the best I can do about getting any of it out. There's just too much up there, I think I won't really be able to sleep because of it but also I AM exhausted so maybe I will. Hard to tell.

Currently been tryin to calculate how long I am allowed to sleep for, or attempt to sleep for, til I need to be up and about doin shit. I need to dye my hair and shower. Usually that doesn't take too long. Usually is like an hour and a half or so, then like 15 mins to put myself together post-shower. I'm gonna need maybe 30 mins to pack? Maybe 30 mins to get the pictures printed. So so far that's 3 hours. I wanna eat, I'm hungry now tbh, but watever. Some time to be a person and do things I need to do, idk. I wanted to leave around 9:30, Ken wants to get here at 8 or 8:30, I don't remember, so if I wanna be done by 9, I gotta get up at like 5:30 so I can eat and wake up and stuff and thennnnn get to dyin my hair and showering and all that. OR I could wake up, dye my hair, THEN eat while I'm waiting on the dye to set, BUT I either hav to risk dye getting on things around the apartment if I start tryin to find somewhere to eat like on the couch or at the dining table OR I eat in the bathroom??? Which I don't wanna do??? And I should be awake Before I dye my hair, and eating will help w/ that, so up a lil earlier, but that's fair. So it's nearly 4 now, so a lil over an hour and a half to lay down and sort out how my life got THIS level of fucked up and how my nights for the next week will need to be full of job applications because I truly... can't handle this Anymore.

And I wish I had someone I could rely more on, Ken IS the most reliable man I hav ever been around but he's still somehow just not reliable Enough. And I just................ can't. I JUST cannot.

Something here has got to give

[supersecretsideblog]

I am starting to feel quite overwhelmed.

Today was a day I spent more w/ the third team, at least so far, and good god, the more time I spend w/ this team, the more I just wanna Fix Them. There is SO MUCH that needs to be fixed. It is just.... a lot.

And all this wanting and everything does nothing to help w/ the team I Actually need to help, my original teams, where I've got at least 10 tickets to do again so. Busy day, busyyyyy day.

Got a few meetings coming up in a few mins, including eventually meeting w/ my manager if he's feelin up for it, he did throw his back out over the weekend it seems so he's working from home, hopefully able to meet w/ me but idk. So... we'll see how that goes.

I just wanna lock myself in a room outside of time or space and knock this shit out cuz there is SO MUCH of it to do and I keep havin new stuff come up so. Stressfullllll. Just feels like there is not enough time, and that is because by design there isn't because this is an amount of stuff to do that 3 ppl would struggle to do and I am Just 1 Woman so. I'll just do wat I can as I can and we'll see how it goes

[supersecretsideblog]

Initially forgot I even made that post this morning. Lookin at the timestamp confused lollll.

That is because I set the thing to go off and then I attempted to nap for another half hour. Which went ok lol. Got all the stuff installed and ready to go by 7!! :D In the end closed out 4 tickets and had another 1 mostly done w/ an issue so really not bad. Once I had all the packages installed, and while I was waiting I put the testing notes on the tickets that were missing them, I went through each ticket and in my chart, re-categorized them as Easy, Medium, or Hard lol and color coded them. Unfortunately only 2 were labelled Easy, most were Medium, and I hav 3 Hard, and then 3 odd ones cuz they're just off to the side, the automated tests.

But I'm makin my way through. Didn't do Too Much this morning in terms of working After stand-up. I thought it'd be a bunch of meetings, but all the teams cancelled all of the meetings. So I was like....... why tf did I come to work. Also it is getting Really frustrating tryin to figure out which team to focus on for the day if they cancel their meetings right before they're supposed to start, or reschedule them to some other time in the week.

But watever. I did finish testing one other Medium ticket, tho I did find some issues w/ it and I hav to spin up a separate ticket for that, but I can close the main one out, I just haven't spun up the other one yet so I haven't closed it out yet. First on the agenda when I sign back in.

But I hav afternoon meeting surprises which I Hate so that's greattttt and my acid reflux is just Destroying Me rn which is Lovely and I am So Tired which is So Fantastic.

BUT it is a new week! It's legally May now! Ken comes back into town tonight! I DID get a lot accomplished over the weekend. Not As Much for work as I had wanted BUT still a good amount so things coulda been worse. Watched 2 movies, went to the beach, spent time snuggled w/ Zale, got a lot of chores done, got a bunch of random things done, went to the beach, did some yoga, saw a baby dolphin... life could've been worse. Did get high every single night BUT that's just life isn't it.

Gonna just do wat I can do today and we'll see how it goes

[supersecretsideblog]

I am up at the crack of dawn to try to do shit for my job.

I decided to start w/ uninstalling and reinstalling the things installed because delaying that process for 1 ticket (there were 3 I could work but I was only gonna actually do 1) just seemed ridiculous. I needed to change out the stuff installed....... may as well just start w/ that shit.

So I'm getting to wat I am gonna work on. Wat I should be and will be at some point soon doing is writing out all of the info I need in order to do my job as quickly and efficiently as possible when all this installing is done. Gauging how quickly this first piece is going, I'm thinking it'll take the full 2 hours to do this, which is wat it is but IS frustrating.

But it gives me time to kinda still nap a bit and then also to do this prep, and there's still more than 3 hours before work starts, and I've got all the stuff to install lined up so I'm gonna be installin this stuff til probs 7:30 and then I'm gonna hav like an hour to get stuff tested before I gotta get dressed and make my way to work so. Lots to do, lots to get done, lots of tears to shed over here.

Gonna lay down, let it do its thing for a lil bit, then I'll get up and work on stuff and do a lot of the prep work before I can jump in w/ the actual work

[supersecretsideblog]

Somehow it's 9pm. Have I done anything more??? No.

I literally didn't lol. I finally put my PTO on my calendar, setup on my calendar for me to know which days are my Teams 1 & 2 days and which days are my Team 3 days. I also did clean up all the browser windows and tabs, Thank God.

But that took like 15 mins lol so I really haven't been doing anything since then. I was on the patio for a bit w/ Zale, I was on TikTok, I honestly don't remember a whole lot of wtf I was doing lmao, I took a gummy over an hour ago cuz it's startin to kick in. I took a shower, I've got a nose strip on that I hav to take off in 3 mins.

I do need to do stuff for work, I do, I think the big thing I'm gonna do before I even start testing things is update the website w/ the current versions of things. It's gonna take hours, yes, but it needs to be done. Here's hoping I don't run into any problems that I can't figure out how to fix.

I'm in my emotions and thinking Many Things but none of it has the Words that I want it to hav? If that makes sense. I've not come to the conclusions I want to yet, I've not got the terms to speak on it yet, but I am Feeling Things and I am Getting There so. More on that to come maybe. We'll see lol