supersecretsideblog

[supersecretsideblog]

I'm really not feelin great today.

I've been just generally depressed for a lot of today. I wasn't so much earlier, but I had... plans for the day that are not happening. So that is upsetting.

I was up later than I meant to be, slept in much later than I meant. Did wake up all snuggled up w/ Zale, he came and snuggled up w/ me for at least an hour or so I'd say, idk, it was a while it seemed like but I didn't check the time lol.

But it was nice to hav him close and for him to wanna snuggle. He's not so much a lay down w/ you kinda cat so that was nice of him :) He may hav been worried tho, it was past 11am and I had been asleep basically since midnight. Last thing I remember doing really is texting Ken and I texted him right at midnight.

Since I was asleep, Ken stopped communicating much which I am not a big fan of but it is wat it is. So I mostly just had a few pics he'd sent. But we've been talking since I got up so that's been nice.

I got up and just didn't feel.. idk. My vibe has been off all day.

I ate lunch, the leftover chick-fil-a breakfast stuff Ken got me on Thursday I think. And I re-watched the end of The Old Guard cuz I fell asleep while it was playing and it was over when I opened up Netflix again lmao. And I sat outside w/ Zale on the patio for a bit on the bench, we were there together which was also nice, him lettin me sit there while he was nappin lol on the bench together. And I read some of The Hunger Games, I've been tryin to get into it again cuz I was about 100 pages in to the first book in my re-read of the first 4 books so that I can finallyyyy get to the 5th book that got released a bit ago and they're already fuckin gettin ready to film it lmao. I gotta get through the books!

But I wanted to go to some pop-up events and things, see wat was goin on today and go explore it! But hardly anything is goin on today or tomorrow really, which is v surprising to me honestly, it's 4th of July weekend, you'd think there'd be a ton of 4th of July stuff occurring but I guess ppl are not feelin that patriotic, there aren't many celebrations. Just fireworks events, and idc about goin to anymore of those.

But there was a pop-up today at a place I hadn't been to yet that I did wanna go to so I finally got dressed and dragged myself there and WAS v confused and didn't wanna do it and it was HOT AF outside and I didn't end up getting anything but it was nice to go out and check out local vendors and stuff, almost got some art but it was $30 and I'm broke and just took all the art out of the living room so where tf would I even put it cuz my room is a disaster. So.

And then I just got hit w/ this huge wave of depression and just a general sense that everything was completely pointless.

I was really hot and in the car and tryin to let the AC cool things down and I was wanting shaved ice and I found a place that was like a 20 min drive away and I put it in the GPS and I just. Felt it was so so so fuckin pointless to go that I changed it to just go home and went home.

And now I'm home. And I was in bed on TikTok and then I was like. Probs should just blog it out.

But idk wat to do really. I wanna do nothing. I wanna pack up my entire life. I wanna make a plan to change my life.

The thing of it is. I am so disappointed and upset because my life does not match wat I want my life to be, and that makes me unhappy and makes me feel like everything I do is pointless. Because it won't bring me happiness because I am in such a place of unhappiness.

And that isn't necessarily true. I do also believe you have to find the happiness where you can, find the good things even in bad situations. But I think that's just wat I've been doing this whole time. Watching things get worse and worse and worse and just being like 'well I did this 1 thing and that was nice so it's ok :)' and it's like this insane delusion that 1 experience can kinda make up for the rest of it all being shitty. That isn't how the world works. That isn't how it works at all.

I cannot stay here. I physically cannot stay here. This place, this whole area, upsets me too greatly. I need to move back home. As much as I don't really want to go back home, to the city, as much as I feel like it was stupid to leave and I ripped myself away for stupid reasons and made a dramatic splash of an exit. I just. I am unhappy everywhere around here.

I think really honestly the past 8 months hav mostly just been a huge battle of 'how much unhappiness can I handle?' and the answer currently seems to be that I am handling too much. Like I think now I am finally actually reaching the limit. And my body is just... shutting down. It doesn't kno wat else to do. It's been fighting, it's been compromising on things. I've been trying to sort this out how to make it all work.

I think, at the end of the day, I just can't stay here. I can't make this work. I need more. Not even more. Whatever all this is, I don't want it, and whatever I do want, is not here. That is the issue. I don't need more, I just don't need this.

I wish things were easier. I wish life was easier. I wish the decision could be easier. But it isn't. It just currently isn't.

I kinda wanna take a gummy and try to feel better. Best way to change my mood is just make it so my brain doesn't work anymore lol. And I could use more sleep. I could use a lot of things actually. At least a week of alone time.

That is part of it. All the things I'm doing now that I'm like 'I gotta rush because Ken will be coming home and I'll be out of time' and like. Is that any way to live? Is this how I want to LIVE? My one life?? Rushing around on HIS VACATION to get my NEEDS MET. I truly. I don't know.

I've been appreciating that Ken had the wherewithal to help sort me out at the restaurant in the city on Thursday and figure out wat I wanted from wat I didn't want but. Wat a nightmare for him to hav to go to, wat a nightmare position for me to be in, and just wat an overall negative experience.

Yeah the fireworks were great and we ended up doin fun things and watever but that was all because of me. Idk.

I bring the art. I bring the fun. I bring the plans. I know wat to do. And right now I'm so broken that I was having a meltdown in a restaurant parking lot.

I'm not broken. My needs are just not getting met and I am v v v used to my needs not getting met and nobody really caring about them either.

Idk. I've been repeating the same thing over and over and over again and. I don't want to listen. Because it's hard. But I can get out of this. I think.

I'm not sure though. Idk. I feel like I wanna intellectualize the problem and talk to ChatGPT about it. Idk.

I need a therapist. A therapist who makes sense lmao.

The biggest thing I need to do is get a job. Can't do anything w/o that, and am running out of time for making that work. Need to update my resumes, all of them, I don't like wat I did to my regular one and my Salesforce Admin one is a clusterfuck of a mess. I need to sort that out.

So lemme actually. Fuck it. It's 5:30. I was gonna get chinese food delivered maybe so. Maybe I'll do that or just keep eating the food I hav here. Idk. And I'll take a gummy and try to feel better and get out of my own head and we'll see wat all happens

[supersecretsideblog]

I'm watching the sunset. The couple of wispy clouds in the sky are putting on a vibrant show. But the sky is mostly blue still lol, making the pink really catch the eye. So that's pretty cool :)

The sunset is fading though. How beautiful. I can hear distant fireworks too lol. Idk how far the actual fireworks display is, but I anticipated there would be some fireworks nonsense.

Zale honestly hasn't ever been close enough to fireworks really to know about them significantly. I have seen them from my living room window before, but they've not been loud and Zale wasn't really paying attention, as far as I can remember. But just in case, I'm glad I'm home w/ him.

It's been a really nice day so far. I'm behind schedule lmao but when am I not lolllll. I typically am lmao.

But it's been good :) I ate a bunch of food, I had leftover fancy salad that I put spicy dressing on, I do mix it up so sometimes I hav the spicy dressing and sometimes I hav regular dressing, and I hav been choosing spicy recently and lemme say... it is SPICY lol. My spice tolerance, I've found, unless I'm actively like In It, is just basically back down to 0 lmao unless I'm actively like having hot sauce a lot. And I don't anymore. A simple joy that acid reflux took from me lmaooooo but also idk, maybe was a phase.

Still do love hot sauce tho, but ya kno.

Ken is at his convention. He's been keeping me updated. I think that man is gonna hav a v long day and a v long weekend lol. But he seems like he is really havin a good time, so I'm glad he went and is doin the fun things he wants to do :)

I hav gotten up to so many lovely things. I hav been playing w/ Zale a bit, tho I should do it more but I am also tired and that is not fair to him :( But he's been having a good day still, treats and we hav played some, and he's been out on the patio a good bit :) And we just watched the sunset together :D

He let me do some intense snugglin of him earlier so idk. I hope he's feeling all the love.

I did take too long to finish watching The Bear lmao. I had to tack on re-watching an episode, the longest ep of the season, and I'm glad I did because I must've been on a gummy when I saw it the first time, I only half remembered it. I did try reading a recap of it first to save time but was shocked by how much it talked about that I had no recollection of lol. So I just said fuck it, it's my day, I can do wat I want, and I wanna rewatch it.

And I did. And it was the right move. The context and cameos and idk. The lead up w/ Carmy's mom Donna (Jamie Lee Curtis) was good and I would've been sad to miss it had I not rewatched the ep. I do actually remember it from the first time I watched it, but not w/ the impact of watching it the second time? Got a lot more impact from everything just watching for context and kinda also I had just read the recap so I knew even all the things I had forgotten ya kno but it was nice to see it play out, it was nice to see it as it happened.

Also, when she has that scene w/ Carmy in the house and she's trying to apologize and like take accountability. Just reminded me a lot of my Mom and how she will probably not ever do that. She has to some degree, but not a lot. And idk, at this point like she Knows, it isn't on me to say it all the time. But like. I remember things, and I do just say them. Recently at the courthouse, I told her I had never been there except the time she tried to adopt me out.

She drove all the way there instead of taking us to church w/ our soon-to-be cousins and I was upset and didn't wanna be adopted out. Like an hour worth of nonsense and then she drove us back to church and we went to regular service, had only missed bible study or watever, the class thing they do before church starts, and nobody else even knows about it, I think actually. Except Katie and probably Ken. Can't remember if I told Ken. Idk.

Anyway, I just said that and she just didn't say anything and then I probably at some point said something else. I don't think it was immediate though. I'm just letting stuff sit there sometimes.

But it isn't my job explicitly to shame her and be like 'you are awful because you did x, y, and z.' It's more like. I'm not gonna sugarcoat anything and if you're not gonna apologize and take actual accountability, then you're not, and there's nothing that can be done except distance.

So I just keep distant.

But it was a bit of emotional catharsis to see her apologize to Carmy, and be similar to wat I wish my mom would say and grapple with.

Idk, I've been thinking a lot about how bad or good something is is so... subjective and also typically a wild thing to say about something usually insanely complicated. Am I bad? Am I good? Enough ppl hav told me lately that they think I'm good, and though before I wasn't believing it as much because I thought they were all lying to me not because they even knew they were but because I felt like the real me was so well hidden that nobody knew her, so nobody knew she actually was evil and has been putting up a front pretending to be good this whole time. Imposter syndrome of the self, potentially. Or just regular imposter syndrome lmao idk.

But I am starting to believe that now in my generally wild disassociated state, I can't hide it so much anymore. Nobody's left yet, if anything I've just been seeing ppl more. And ppl are quite nice to me, the ones in my life, so. Maybe I'm not all that evil or the performance of the good is so structurally rooted in my being that even at my absolute lowest I can't help but perform. I'm unsure lmao. But either way, it keeps comin up Good.

But wat a word to sum up such a complicated situation lol.

Anyway, I think generally I am incredibly vulnerable w/ ppl about things. I think I am used to being incredibly vulnerable, though I haven't felt like that lmao. It doesn't FEEL like that because it both is and it isn't. I am honest and forthright about many personal details that ppl would typically find quite vulnerable that I kind of propel out as a suit of armor. Almost as a 'if you can't handle this, if THIS scares you and doesn't work w/ you, then this is already not it' lmao.

Idk, the truly vulnerable things, are things like that, that I secretly think I'm evil. That I don't think I'm good enough for anything or anyone and that I hate myself so completely and thoroughly it's insane I ever say anything positive. It's insane I'm filled w/ as much love as I am when I feel like I am a pit of hatred, but I guess that's the balance.

I do believe in balance in the universe. I do believe in the scales evening, to some degree. And maybe that's it. I'm filled w/ so much hate. But I am also filled w/ so fuckin much love.

Idk, now that I've been dating Ken and the level I'm at in life (late 20s to early 30s) has really kinda. Like. I cry at weddings. Because of the love. I am a crier now for those kinds of things. I loveeeeee a weird horror movie at the theater. I wanna see an indie horror movie at the theater! I love a sunset. I love all the sunsets, even the sunsets that hardly are anything because there's hardly any clouds. I love the clouds. I love the sky. I love the trees. And I love sunsets.

I like fireworks too. Took a break to text ppl and then there are literal actual fireworks in front of me and the apt at a safe enough distance away but bright and visible and loud lol. Tho on a pretty significant noise delay, these r far away lol.

So that's fun, watchin the fireworks literally on the patio lmao. And Zale was initially curious then kinda apprehensive and now I think he's in the apt so lemme actually go check where in the apt he is to see how chill he is rn lol. Ok, found him, he was in Ken's room, he was apprehensive to come outside but did once I did. And now he's under the bench I'm on. So he seems good :)

Understandable for him to be apprehensive, he has absolutely no context to know any of this is not dangerous or armageddon is not happening. So fear is fair.

But anyway I am so caught up, I was talkin to Katie about things, about starting therapy, I was explaining the different types of therapy I knew about (CBT, DBT, EMDR) and she's starting w/ CBT. Fascinating she wants to start therapy now, I think that's good. I think kinda the lack of substance to this whole thing has got her feeling like she needs to do more about it. Which is fair.

I hope that goes well for her and she has good experiences. Shopping for a therapist can be tough. I am not good at it.

I forget wat I was even writing this about. I guess it's kinda stream of consciousness now. I do like that I journal a lot. I just call it blogging, because I journal into a blogging platform, because it is the only consistent journal I've ever been able to keep. Problematically lmao. On an un-privated blog. I think constantly about how courts might interpret wat I've said were I to ever to go to trial. Wat absolute pages and pages of bullshit they'll feed into an AI to spit out my most embarrassing and shameful secrets to use against me in all forms and fashions.

I also am a bit sad that like. This isn't something I can pass down to future generations. Though my family won't... have any, it's looking like. But that's..... it is wat it is. I kinda hate that, I kinda hate that my dad's last name is going to die. Our family is going to die and that will be it. I don't wish that was the case. But that's kinda part of how I also know I don't really want kids. I have the ability to do something about it! I can have that child. I just don't want to.

In any case. I'm just out here thinkin, lettin the river of thought flow through me. Sometimes I think about this experience this man told my class in like 4th grade, about inspiration. That he (or some man, idk, a man told the story though about somebody's personal experience) was in a house out in the middle of the desert near a train station. And for some reason, I always picture this in my mind as a like decrepit shack right next to, and the only thing around, a set of empty train tracks lol. But anyway, he was in this house and all at once, he was writing at his desk and all at once, inspiration struck, and like a train running through his mind, he could do nothing but scramble to capture the poem inspiration said to him because once this train passed through, it was not coming back. So this man is writing furiously to get all the words to the poem captured because if he doesn't write them right this second, he'll forget them.

Idk why that has stuck so strongly w/ me. I guess I'm waiting for my train moment. I guess I feel like I need to be isolated somewhere in order to write the best poems and feel true inspiration. I'm not sure. But a story that's stayed w/ me all the same.

The fireworks are calming down, I can't see any anymore, so that's a bit sad. But also fair, it's getting late. Ken is feeling jetlagged actually, poor dude. But he's at a panel at an anime convention w/ his twin and he's so excited tellin me about all the things he's seein and stuff and they're sat near the front so he's happy they got good spots and get to see all the behind the scenes stuff and sneak peeks and things. It makes me happy hearing about how happy he is :)

I'm glad he and I got to see the fireworks last night randomly by accident because it kinda went unspoken but we didn't make any plans to do anything for Independence Day. I knew he'd be out of town, he knew I didn't really hav any plans myself other than a free weekend, and we didn't think to make any 4th specific plans to see fireworks or do anything in the days leading up or after the weekend or anything, tho I really doubt much of anything is occurring after the weekend.

So I'm really glad we just accidentally randomly got to see 4th of July fireworks together anyway lmao. Like fate, a lil bit.

Idk, my life has not worked out a lot in many many ways. But I think now, because of that, sometimes, life just works out a lil better for me lol. I'm getting cocky, or at least that makes me feel like I'm being cocky lmao being like 'I get better treatment by the universe now bleh :p' but like. I kinda think I do. And I think, the whole thing w/ accidentally the fireworks were that night and I randomly wanted to go there after Ken had randomly decided to even go to the beach after I had gotten angry at him so many times about all of the things, and after all that we get all the way there get through the traffic JUST in time and get to a filled parking lot that has a truck randomly leave when Ken didn't even notice, I clocked it, I was watchin them and Ken was stuck in a situation unable to turn his car around because the parking lot was so packed, and we were the only car driving around in our section and it just. He parked it and there we were right on the beach right there sat down 2 mins before the fireworks started.

Not that I believe much in fate exactly but ya know. I think for all of that, random happenstance sure, but also, maybe the universe just works out a lil bit more in my favor sometimes lmao.

But I don't think it's because I'm special or anything, I think it's just a lil bit of re-balancing the scales.

Though the idea of that goes against my fundamental idea that the universe, being an un-alive thing, does not know morality and thus couldn't balance scales because it wouldn't know what was on one side or the other. It wouldn't be able to separate them, though I do think that knowing elements of the universe for things can exist and so the elements of the aspects of a person's life can be known, as if stats in a video game, and those scales can be balanced in accordance w/ one another, and I think the universe can do that. So it's kinda the same as the concept of balancing the scales but not but saying balancing the scales makes sense for easy explanation even though legally I guess that is not the actual explanation, that I have anyway.

I just re-read that paragraph and the gummy is kicking in and I am writing stream of consciousness lmao so it will be difficult to decipher lmao but that was. That was a silly paragraph. That was. I played w/ form to such an elaborate degree.

I do like that about myself though. I play w/ form. Naturally. Naturally I write ridiculously. Were I to edit that for anyone else, or even myself further down the line, I'd rearrange all the sentences to fit more typical fluidity. Editing my own thoughts to myself. How wild.

Anyway. I think I am experiencing silliness. I think it is probs time to go inside, I am now getting eaten alive by mosquitos :/ Unfortunately mosquitos love me and there is nothing I can do about it :(

I am glad today went so well. I was worried after how the last... well the last 2 days, the last 4 days, the last whole week. It's been a roller coaster of chaos actually. I am glad Ken and I are getting this separate time, and on a good note so things are good, this good separation so we can decompress from each other a lil bit and really enjoy the things we're doing and the places we're at. Just really soaking in the things we're experiencing for the next couple of days til he gets back, I think is really gonna be good for the both of us.

So I'm glad that's happening and I'm glad I'm feelin good. I'm gonna re-watch The Old Guard and see if I love it as much as I remember loving it lmao. I'm scared it may have been a movie where I loved the lore more than the material, but hopefully that's not the case and hopefully I still enjoy it.

What a day. I did not accomplish everything! I will try to get more done but also I am meant to be enjoying myself and I hav so many plans for tomorrow and I hav plans w/ Katie on Sunday so today is MY day my actual day for ME to do wat I WANT so I'm just kinda tryin to keep that energy rollin. Plus I don't hav much scheduled for Sunday, so I think that's fine, and I can shuffle things around as need be. Sunday is pretty open honestly, I kinda wanna go to the movies early in the morning but otherwise I don't have any plans til that night w/ Katie. So that's a good few hours of free time to do watever and hopefully do a few more things on the list lol.

But ok, lemme pack up the outside patio area and get Zale in, or maybe just let him stay out really, and watch this movieeee

[supersecretsideblog]

I had a v v long Thursday. Wednesday and Thursday. And then now it's midway through Friday.

I actually need to text Ken and Monica bak but idk exactly wat to say so I'm being a bad friend/girlfriend and not texting bak immediately. Maybe I'll hav more clarity at the end of this.

Wednesday night ended up being good w/ Ken. He had to go somewhere I think? I can't recall. Oh right. He left to get fancy salads.

Ok so Wednesday night is usually now a Free Night which means Ken and I don't do stuff together and it's a Me Night for Ken and a kinda like half me night for me.

But I was so sad and Ken didn't kno wat to do and he was on the verge of just leaving for the night or through the whole weekend. Just to try to give me space, and make me feel better, and not as a runaway thing. I'm the kind who runs away. Ken, tho in theory he wants to, I haven't seen him do it yet.

But I didn't want that and I was curious wat the Thursday night birthday plans were gonna be. I was v disappointed initially.

But Ken decided he'd rather go get fancy salads for us and we could watch the last 2 eps of Andor together and then maybe Rogue One.

And actually he brought the salads and we watched 18 mins of an ep of Andor and my tummy was hurting and I wanted some chocolate milk and it was like the 1 time Ken didn't hav chocolate milk in the fridge so he went to the store to get some and to get me some soup and bread and then he also got dirt mousse in a cup. So we ate a lot and I had taken a gummy while he was getting the fancy salads so I got to feelin pretty high and then he brought all that food and the last 2 eps of Andor were really incredible.

We decided to watch Rogue One but I'm gonna need to rewatch at least the back half again, we started frickle fracklin lmao for 2 hours during the back half of the movie lmao. And then we went to sleep.

Or so you'd think. Ken went to sleep, and it was about 3:15am and I started gettin a lot of texts from Katie.

Ok, managed to text Ken back. I'll figure out wat to say to Monica in a bit. Lots more to respond to there.

Ken is in the air on a flight and I did fall asleep just before he texted me they were taking off and I wanted to text bak about his flight and we were jokin about the time travel aspect of it last night since he's going across the country and falling behind this city's time by 3 hours.

But ok, yeah Katie started texting me Wednesday night and we were on the phone til I had to get off of it close to 8:30am. So, a v long call. I did not get much sleep. I went through Thursday on wayyyyyy too little sleep.

But ok so Wednesday night, Katie basically did not do anything wrong but she FELT v strongly like she did because she was in self-sabotage mode about her relationship w/ her husband because she ultimately believes that he is not the man for her and this relationship is not the relationship for her. But he's putting in the effort again lately, I think the whole catalyst for this situation was he listened to her and was trying more.

And I think it freaked her out, on a subconscious level, and she started reacting in a bunch of different ways consciously to try to deal w/ the big things she was feeling subconsciously and suffice it to say, Katie is v v confused about wat is happening. Why she keeps doing all this, why she keeps dropping bombs in her relationship. I think her husband is navigating them well enough but also he is coming from all of it more from a place of hurt at this point than a place of understanding so. Which is fair, but it does make things harder.

And ok also I think Katie did it for the attention seeking of it all a bit too. It was v v dramatic, HIGH drama as it was last time and even kinda the time before.

When she told him about the coworker she'd been sexting, that was right before they were about to move in together. And when she told him about sendin swimsuit pics to a guy, she had me on the phone while she said it and was in such a state of depression her husband did not kno wat to do and I came there and made sure she ate something and got some rest.

And now this time, fascinatingly she both does and doesn't think she crossed any lines talkin to a guy. A guy she's known a long time who is one of her friends on Snap and she didn't cross any lines but she could tell he wanted to or was talking to her too much while he was goin through a breakup and stuff.

So she decided to tell her husband she'd both committed this crime of talkin to this dude but also committed no crime because tho she was talkin to him more than she feels like she should've been, she also doesn't think she crossed any lines and if anything, her husband might feel grateful that she's tellin him now about it before anything's happened.

Does she still hav this dude added on Snap? Yeah. Was the one big thing she kept sayin about this dude that she didn't want him At All, but then she could not understand why she was talkin to him or felt it had crossed a line even tho she also felt it hadn't, was the thing she was saying that she didn't even care about this guy at all? Also yes.

So she's trying to give details, over-explain, her husband does not care really on that, he's just being blamey because he's at work, she told him WHILE HE WAS AT WORK VIA TEXT and yeah.

The crazy part, she did all of it for the attention (imo) and NOW he's driving her crazy cuz he is ignoring the whole situation. He's kinda just goin around like she hadn't said anything because he shuts down for things (same).

Anyway, hours of her freakin out, at one point she gave herself an anxiety attack thinkin and started gettin sick :( Not ideal. I wished I could go over to her place, but I was on gummies :/ Couldn't go anywhere :(

So I just stayed w/ her on the phone. I was also exhausted. So I was just loungin around the couch and eventually the patio bench layin down talkin to her about it all.

I hope this entire situation sparks more positive change in the relationship. It seems like this is.... not going well so far. Hopefully they can come together on it.

I think the majority of where all this is comin from for Katie is she does not feel witnessed. She doesn't feel seen. She's showing him like 'hey I'm gonna do the 1 thing you don't want me to do AND I didn't really do it so you won't actually be all that mad but I want you to Pay Attention To Me and come console me and love me' and instead he took it v negatively (she said it v negatively) and she's not gettin any of the things she was actually trying to get from this entire stunt.

So she is not doin great.

But interestingly, while we were watching the start to Rogue One I think, she invited me to a baseball game w/ her and her husband on Sunday. Which is in 2 days. So that will be.... fascinating. I'm meant to go to that a few hours before I pick Ken and his twin up from the airport after they get back from the other side of the country lol.

So all that happens, it's like 8:30am, and I hav to leave at 9:30am to go take my Mom to the courthouse. So I'm freakin out and asked Ken, who had woken up by this point, if he could get us Chick-Fil-A breakfast. So he went and did that, bless him. I barely got to eat it, I was attempting sleep then had to get dressed. Delayed goin to my Mom's by 15 mins, and had a couple of breakfast chicken minis before headin on out. The soda was the big thing, neededddd that caffeine. And thank god for Ken just bein like 'ok, let's get some breakfast :)' and then just adventurin on out.

I went out and picked up Mom and went to the courthouse and we did get my dad's estate opened. So the next step of the plan did occur. But then we had to drive into another town to find a bank to open the estate in and after 30 mins of waiting and them tryin to sort out the paperwork, they realized my dad's estate needs a tax ID if it's to open a bank account. And it doesn't have one, at least can't use the same one as last time I believe, needs a new one. Idk. But my Mom now has to call the IRS, they wouldn't let her do it online, potentially because my dad has been dead for 20 years this year. So us reopening the estate to open a bank account IS kinda fishy except we hav valid reason so I guess maybe she has to tell them.

She does NOT want to do that step exactly of calling them and sorting it all out but she didn't wanna do any of the rest of it either and that's why I'm there. I just can't do this part for her, I think anyway idk, but yeah.

So unfortunately after hours, we did not fully set in motion getting the check cashed and disbursed and it will take probs at least another 2 weeks for that to happen. So I'm not anticipating this money until the end of the month probably. And that's ok. But my savings is shrinking, I hav not paid my bills yet this month (except rent when Ken asked earlier, so I did pay that) and it is the 4th and usually you gotta do it by the 5th so I'll see if I can get that in motion and completed today.

But ye so Mom wanted to get lunch and hang out but Ken told me to be ready to go out and about at 4 and at this point it was 1 and I had at least an hour of driving to get Mom home and get myself home and I was like... when am I gonna sleep actually?? Because Ken told me we'd be out for a good portion of the night, he didn't think we'd be back until 2am, and I had to take him and his twin to the airport Friday morning around 6:30am. So. I was like. I hav GOT to get some SLEEP.

Plus I was Exhausted, I was not all w/ it, I hav to say. I was in such a state lmao. So I was gonna hav lunch w/ Mom after the bank but I was like... I ain't got time, I hav GOT to get home and sleep, so we got her a pizza to go (should've gotten myself one but was not in the zone) and that did take 10+ mins but oh well and then I got her home and got home to my place around 2pm. Ken and I hung out some, caught up w/ each other, I was kinda feelin talkative and then I fell asleep probably somewhere between 2:15 and 2:30 and then didn't get up til 3:30. I was gonna get up at 3 but I was just so fuckin tired still, like my head felt wrong trying to get up w/ that level of sleep.

But I got up at 3:30 and Ken told me his big plan was to bring me back to the city. Which just completely depressed tf out of me. SO I took a depression shower, and somehow Ken missed it (I can be a v silent crier) was crying when we left and a good portion of at least the first hour of driving. Before Ken recognized I was upset and then didn't kno wat to do about it and kept driving.

He took me to a restaurant, actually we went there on my bday 2 years ago I think, my first bday when we took an extended lunch break lol and ate there. And had good food.

Oooh, Ken's plane landed and they are navigating the airport :D

Ok. So yeah he tried to take me there but I was just so distraught I looked like the absolute worst debbie downer. Plus our outfits didn't match well and had I known we were going to this place and not somewhere... fancier... I could've dressed down more. Because Ken had nothing else fancy really on his plans, he had no actual plans they were all fluid (which is fair, I change plans a lot, but still rubbed me the wrong way).

But I'm being particular. He wanted it to be a surprise. It was. I was disappointed. But oh well. Also, I was upset, because we had gotten to this restaurant and he picked like the worst spot possible in it to sit down. They could've seated us outside on the 2nd floor w/ string lights facing towards the sunset which was gonna happen while we were there. Or he could've sat us at a high top table in the middle of the walkway to the other tables. Which.... I hav to say was kinda the last straw.

I am good at making things miserable tho. I am the definition of 'if your wife's not happy, NOBODY's happy' or watever the phrase is. If the woman of the house is unhappy, ALL other ppl will be aware and unhappy as well. I am an unhappiness infection, and I honestly kinda love the power but also hate that it's all on me to fix it when I'm unhappy a lot because I've brought everyone else down now too and now nobody can get us out of it.

In any case. I was unhappy and when I'm that unhappy and just festering in the misery, I make things more miserable. I could've had a lil cocktail and gotten a meal I like and Ken and I could've eaten or even moved tables up to the string lights which he suggested we do after he found out I was so upset we didn't sit out there.

But I didn't. I just got really upset. I didn't get anything other than water to drink, I didn't hardly eat any food, and I got a main course I didn't really want. Because I just didn't wanna order wat I actually wanted.

Ken was upset, but handling it well. Honestly he handled me really well lol. He didn't kno much of wat to do in the restaurant, at one point I did start crying saying 'why would you bring me here?' over and over so that was not ideal. But he was kind and was trying to make good suggestions and after I found some way to get across that I did not want him to take me to this city of all places and depress tf out of me more, he suggested we take the food to go and leave town.

I was not a fan of leaving town tho because I had just suffered through hours of a car ride and after the intensity of that long day, I was NOT here for just gettin bak in the fucking car and suffering. Literally, he suggested we get food at some restaurant closer to the apartment instead after we drive alllllll the way back, and I just got out of the car. I just got out and sat on the curb and had we not been in a spot not conducive to walking, I probs would've just started walking.

I didn't wanna be in the city. Not w/ him, and not at all. Not for my birthday.

But I didn't kno wat I did want. Ken realized that so he was like 'you don't seem to know what you want, but can you tell me what you don't want?' and from there I basically figured we could go to the far away beach and maybe see sunset. So we did that.

But then the traffic started to just get incredibly gnarly the closer and closer we got to the beach til I realized after seeing enough red, white, and blue in various vehicles, this was no regular night at the beach this was THE 4th of July celebration (1 day early). They were about to shoot the fireworks off at dusk, and we had missed sunset waiting in the traffic (which I did kno would happen as soon as we got to the area so that was depressing).

And then I had no faith Ken could get any kind of parking spot and through some miracle, he actually did, right in front of the beach, we got out and set up right before the fireworks started.

He did miss the first half w/ me, cuz he ran off trying to get us drinks/italian ice/ice-cream. Something liquid and cool before they started, so he did miss the first like 10 mins lmao but he showed up and we had things so it was alright and I was just glad he didn't miss all of it w/ me. He got me blue raspberry italian ice and he got kitchen sink ice-cream lmao.

The fireworks were fun, Ken had brought his own lil fireworks and we lit those on the beach some, and then went to the boardwalk and found a bar and had a drink and they started karaoke up right as we were gettin settled in w/ our drinks so we got to watch that and sing and hav some fun and then we walked around the boardwalk rides some before I got wildlyyyy nauseous and we had to go lol.

I hadn't been able to eat much, I didn't eat much of dinner, I hadn't eaten lunch, and I only had those 2 chicken minis for breakfast so I was running on E in a lot of different basic necessities so at the bar, we stopped at the one we did cuz they had a huge food menu still for late night food and we got loaded fries but after the first fry I did realize this was a mistake but I did keep eating them cuz I was hungry and Ken had gotten them and I'd already not eaten dinner and he paid for that too despite my insistence and then yeah. So I ate a few of the fries and then got v v nauseous so we left the bar and I was doin alright so we went over towards where the rides were, just to see, but then I got nauseous again so then we just decided to head out. Plus it was gettin late and we were both really tired.

So we got in the car and rode on back and got home around 2am. Settled into bed and everything I think by around more towards 3:30ish lolllll we were just kinda up for a while, it always takes like 20 mins to settle in when we come home from anywhere anyway lol, time seems to disappear when we get home and start settling in so somehow like an entire hour went by.

But we got some sleep and then got up this morning, Ken got up even earlier than me to finish packing for his trip, I got up more towards 6 and then his twin was over at 6:10 and we headed on out around 6:20 to the airport. Got them dropped off and then came home and chilled a bit before passing out close to 8am.

But Zale got me up around 12:20pm missin me and wantin to go outside and stuff. Sometimes, Zale seems worried about me, he'll get into bed alllll meows lol he's hoppin up and full of meows and I'm like I See You And I Hear You lol but then after he wakes me up, he settles in for snuggles and for me to sleep a bit more lol and it's like he's guarding my half asleep ass and also asking for the occasional lovie lol.

So we got up finally and he and I played some and then he went outside on the patio and then he seemed to hav gotten too hot and now he's nappin in his house in the livin room while I'm bloggin :) And hav been bloggin for like an hour lol.

I've been takin breaks tho. Lots of ppl to text bak lmao and events and things and the occasional bout of reading tweets that come through lol. God the news is just..... it is not good, I gotta say lol.

I was starting to feel more hope for this country and after the 'big beautiful bill' or the 'big ugly bill' as it has also been called, passed, honestly it feels a bit hopeless. That is the point tho, that was why they did it, CRUELTY was the POINT. Some evil evil motherfuckers for cruelty to ever be the point of anything. ESPECIALLY legislation for the whole country. Evil evil evil motherfuckers.

I sit in eager anticipation for when they all get theirs. It'll be years, and it might not all happen, but the few moments when it will... I'm living for that. And I hope karmically they are suffering for the suffering they've caused and will continue to cause.

I'm in such a depressed state tho that I cannot focus much on the macro. I hav been unable to focus much on the macro at all really since really sinking into this new level of depression.

BUT. That is not wat this weekend is about! This weekend is about relaxing and gettin a couple of things done but most notably gettin up to WATEVER I want almost as if I were living alone but I no longer am. For now. We shall see.

Things w/ Ken are in a v rocky spot but also they're not? Idk. I was incredibly upset and I still AM but I'm also not.

But I did realize. He is not the spark. He is not the one to take over for me in certain realms. I AM the planner. Ken didn't even kno about the beach fireworks last night (and neither did I, notably, however usually my ideas work out in this way). I brought life to the living room. I bring life to everything.

But he can bring a peace and calm to sorting things out that I can't always bring. He sorted me out at the restaurant and figuring out ways to make the trip still good til I came up w/ a plan that worked. Couldn't hav come up w/ the plan, or seen the fireworks, or gone to the beach, unless Ken was there to bring me out of being so upset. Of course, Ken is also why I WAS so upset in the first place. But still.

Just heard a ton of bangs outside. Like 10 bangs. Hope those were like cherry bomb fireworks and not gunfire. Oof.

Anyway wat I'm trying to get at is Ken could've given up at a lot of points throughout this whole situation and it does matter that he didn't, even when I was upset w/ the dinner, I was like. This is probably the last straw, I've been unhappy w/ all the other things too, I'm just ungrateful and frustrating to be around. But he was like 'if you don't wanna be here, we can just leave, we'll take it to go and get out of here' so that was nice. He was nice.

I think I'm gonna eat some food here soon, I've got to also figure out wat my list of goals for the weekend is lol. I wanna look up places to go and things to do for tomorrow, I kinda wanna adventure around tomorrow morning. I guess, here's my general plan for the weekend.

Today, the rest of today, will be a lot of chillin and tv watchin lol. I wanna watch the last 3 eps of the new season of The Bear. And I think tonight!! I'll watch The Old Guard 2. I reallyyyy loved and became slightly obsessed w/ the first Old Guard movie years ago and I just found out a couple days ago they released the second movie finally so :D I hav been saving it all week to watch tonight lollll.

I do also need to do some chores. I need to clean Zale's litterbox, need to clean off the dining table cuz it's full of all my nonsense from the trip yesterday, I need to change my bed sheets and I actually, yeah I guess wash my hair again. I got a new anti-fungal shampoo actually that just came in yesterday but also I am thinking of cutting and dying my hair this weekend.

Ken had grown his hair out a good bit, he had a lot of shaggy curls for a good while there and it was cute tho seemed to bother him some w/ just how much hair it was and especially how hot and heavy it can get in the summer. And he wanted to match his twin so they could cosplay and switch costumes and just look more like the cosplay, he cut his hair short and shaved his face so he is a whole fresh person now lol the shaving especially throws me a bit lol but I've gotten more easily used to his hair change.

So idk, I need to dye my hair anyway, that was a goal for this weekend anyway, but I'm thinking of cutting it short again. I've been growin it some but I'm just never all that happy w/ it and that's cuz I always get to this point and think 'hmm I'm unhappy w/ it, I should probs cut it' lol so. That's the plan. Tho idk if I should dye it first (waste of dye and energy) or cut it first (ugly hair to cut) which like the first option seems like a waste but if I'm unhappy the whole haircut because my hair is ugly like. Idk. I wanna be happy at the end of the haircut I guess, I wanna see the transformation of my hair more clearly, feel better about it? Can't do that if it's the wrong color. Also, I don't wanna adventure today but I can dye it today so. Maybe I'll just dye it today. I did legally wash it yesterday. Did go to the beach and it curled tf up in the sea salt but. Could still dye it.

Can go out and get it cut tomorrow. Tonight too I wanna look for events happening over the weekend that seem exciting. I wanna go adventuring tomorrow morning and then maybe get lunch somewhere and get my haircut and just feel like a better version of me. Then Saturday night I'm thinkin of stayin in and hangin w/ Zale. Maybe gettin up to some more serious things I wanna get done.

I hav taken all of the spark out of the living room. For the most part. But it is also dusty and this is also no way to live. So wat I'm thinking is tomorrow I'll just thoroughly dust all the surfaces and everything and clean all the display areas and then maybe, piece by piece, start putting some things back out here. Idk.

Ok, just made a lil document and did red, white, and blue theme it lmao (I love colors!) so that's kinda funny and I've got both a Schedule for each day (which is quite loose but just my general ideas for the day) and a Tasks section for each day so I can more ideally spread out all the things on the list of stuff to accomplish. Lots of stuff lol. Lotsssss of stuff.

But good stuff. Important stuff to get accomplished and important to me stuff to adventure around doin :) So that'll be nice.

Ok, I am excited about the general plan for today :D I am excited about the general plan for the weekend :D Ken is all the way across the country! I miss him, I am happy to hav the space here w/o him tho lol.

But ok, bloggin basically complete, then I've got 3 eps of The Bear and I can snack! I can eat all the food :D And hopefully get up to some tasks as the day goes on and then take a gummy and watch a v good movie (hopefully lol) and idk. I'm just :) It is sunny and warm and Zale is happy and loungin and I hav a bunch of diff food in the fridge lmao and idk! The possibilities are endless rn lol. It's somehow 3pm and it feels like 11am. Ok, well not that, maybe it feels more like noon or even 1pm but def not 3. I love the summer. I loveeeee the summer!

Ok, time to get some food, I am def hungry lol

[supersecretsideblog]

I don't have a whole lot to say.

I got so upset w/ Ken yesterday, I spent a good bit of yesterday crying. We had couples counseling, we didn't even really get into the birthday stuff.

Finally, because I was just crying and Ken idk, he was wanting to get to the bottom of my crying and I was like I Am Still Upset and your big idea for Thursday is just MY idea that I typically do and that's fine like it'll be fun I'm sure but my trust in you is completely gone and I required an actual apology.

I don't feel like I've gotten one. He just says a lot of 'of course I didn't want you upset' blah blah. I want actual sincerity not this... brush off. But he doesn't think he did all that wrong anyway and is completely confused I think the gifts are awful and all that says to me is that he's learned nothing.

He's genuinely in shock that the 1 picture frame and 3 loose cut up pics is a bad gift. Genuinely is staring me in the face saying he doesn't understand how that's a bad gift. I said to ask his friends last night, he said he would. But we didn't talk much when he got back.

I was crying so much and was SO upset that I took all the display items and my general items out of the living room/kitchen area. I took all the magnets off the fridge, allllll the legos are in bins, all my stuff by the couch was brought into my room, all the art is gone.

If Ken does not appreciate all of the things I bring to this relationship, I will stop bringing them. I will take them with me.

I thought we were gonna break up last night. I was on the verge of breaking up w/ him because I just reached such a point of being sad and disappointed.

He did say, before he left, that he's re-doing his plan for Thursday. It'll start at 4, I should wear clothes like I'm ready to go out somewhere. Idk if it'll still happen tho, I'm just. So depressed and upset and all the things.

I'm about to go take my car in to the dealership. Hopefully the rain has calmed down, I hate drivin around especially around here and especially in the rain. I want the process to be smooth and easy. And it is not. And that is FRUSTRATING. But hopefully it'll be v easy and good. I am getting my state inspection done, tire rotation and oil change, and to get my brake light on my back left replaced. I am feeling STRESSED but that is ok! I will sort it all out :)

I am feeling reinvigorated for myself. A lil bit. I will start my life over and it will be magical. It will be v painful and difficult for a while but then it will be magical :)

[supersecretsideblog]

I hav since showered. I feel frustrated. And upset. And I'm about to take a gummy.

I think, once I get out of this, it will take me weeks to wring out all the frustration and anger and general upset my body has been in throughout this entire ordeal w/ Ken. It will take weeks.

But not forever. And that is the critical part. Nothing looks like it's that long but a year can hav more change than you could believe in it. Things change slowly AND they change rapidly. In the day to day it will be hard to see, but my life will be completely different a year from now. And that is wat keeps me going.

Want to know something hilarious? That is not hilarious but I'm choosing to make it hilarious. Because otherwise it's just incredibly pathetic.

Ken, for my birthday, came in a couple days late so he gave it to me later than the presents he gave me initially (which I hated). And it is a cute picture frame w/ a pic of us in it. Except the picture frame doesn't actually fit 6x4 pictures, it is just slightly smaller so Ken had to cut the picture. Except, he wanted to give me 4 pictures, but he only wanted to give me 1 frame. So he handed me 1 frame, and 3 cut up pictures (so they would fit the frame) so I could change them out. Because I am worth only 1 frame to him.

I asked him, are we poor? Wtf is this that you can only afford 1 more frame? You're not even putting the onus on me to purchase more frames for the other pictures because you cut the pictures. Instead of getting multiple frames, you cut up the pictures???

So now it's a running joke that I'm only worth 1 frame to him. But it's not really a joke if it is just the reality. I AM worth only 1 frame to him, he did not hav the foresight to even think about getting multiple frames.

I considered here, I was sitting debating on sending that info about the pics and frames to Katie, Becky, and Monica. But wat's the point? Everybody already knows. No point in humiliating myself and Ken more.

Part of wanting to tell ppl is so I don't forget, part of it is so I feel less crazy and less like it's just Ken and me like no also other ppl hav seen wat I saw and agree that this is insanity. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

But there's no point in telling ppl when they already kno he does things like this and is clueless and frustrating. And that I'm only worth 1 pic frame to him. Monica even subtly said during dinner that because I don't hav a job, I shouldn't pay for anything at all rn, and it was a bit pointed but I agree. Wat good is Ken and all his money if he OR I am not wat he wants to spend it on? He just wants to hoard it, idk for wat, he's not even investing it or keeping in an HYSA or anything he's literally just collecting it in a regular checking account and leaving it there.

Insane. All this money, but it's not for me. All this money, and it's not even for him, I don't get to live nice by proxy either, he lives much worse than I do, if anything I'm a lush because I refuse to sleep on the floor and don't keep everything else I own on the floor as well. And I own things. God forbid I own things.

I just. This is some of the most unhappiest situations I've been in in a good while. I think I had managed to completely crash out about AJ and keep myself stable through everything w/ Andrew that like. I just didn't think this level of unhappiness could really reach me again. But good god.

I'm only worth 1 picture frame to this man. And he can't plan anything for my birthday, it's my fuckin fault apparently for having expectations, per the couples counselor. And he can't even talk to me about wanting to hav lunch w/ me til it's 3pm even tho I woke up at 1:30pm. I just. Good holy god.

I'm gonna take a gummy and continue hating my life. I think I'm on the verge of a serious breakdown so maybe taking a gummy will be the thing to get me there. Maybe takin a gummy will be the thing to make me feel better. Who knows.

God fucking damn everything really

[supersecretsideblog]

I was in a v bad mood and then I went on TikTok for an hour and did nothing so I feel at the v least like... mild.

I was pretty angry and upset. And now I'm just like. Watever.

I need to shower. I need to shower and get dressed and then I guess Ken and I will do watever it is we get up to. But honestly I just want a night away from him. We had a whole weekend together, Mondays are meant to be Me Days and I don't get one this week. I think because he wanted today to work on things, and he wanted to hav our anniversary date tonight and just the timing of everything.

But I want a man who I don't hav to solve all the problems.

A lot of these issues, really feeding my Qualities I Want In A Partner doc. I want someone who respects my needs!

My Me Day got messed up today and it was not a discussion, and no alternative solution has been proposed. And it turns out I really needed it and am on the verge of losing it mentally because I hav lost this Me Day. And I am just. Upset.

Ken also said he'd be done at 5, it's 5:11 and he's not told me anything.

Ok, adding that to the list too. Respects My Time. Will tell me when plans change or he is taking longer w/ something than he meant. Tells me ahead of time when his plans seem like they will change.

EDIT:

I got interrupted by Ken coming to the living room at like 5:12pm and he just. Ugh.

The amount of basic human logic I tried to impart on him over the course of 40 mins could've been a TEDTalk. I could be Youtube famous.

I thought it was gonna be more of a free night but he's getting his shoes on and goin somewhere. So I guess it is gonna be more of an actual Me Night for me. Wasn't anticipating that.

I think I did so thoroughly and w/ the absolute basics shame him about his decisions and things that he ended up feeling v guilty about it and leaving.

In essence he came out and I was upset but goin w/ the flow and I was like. Well why isn't today a me day, why were you here. And at the conclusion of it, is wat I already know, he hates leaving to give me me days. He knows I need them, and doesn't wanna lose me because of them, and so begrudgingly leaves as lil as possible.

And I just pointed out how thoroughly I know he feels and thinks that way about it because he refuses to have me days consistently, he is waiting until he thinks I'm about to wake up in order to leave. But he would like to stay, til at least 3pm every day, because he has a meeting at 2pm on Mondays and wants to be home for it. So everyday he's really actually just trying to stay home til at least that meeting is out and he'll begrudgingly leave before then but he doesn't want to, and he doesn't see a point in leaving much after 3 anyway, or just leaving for an hour is fine. But then wat is that for me, ya kno?

Not that these are things he discussed, they're just things he finally admitted to. Because I knew them about him because of the things he's said. And I was just on one today catching every lil thing he'd say of like 'there are no options' and I was like 'there are no single rooms to work out of at all' and he was like 'well none for free or that are close by' so I was like 'ok so there are solutions there are just no cheap and easy single rooms close by' and he was like 'well yeah' and I was like ok.

I've already pointed out to him that he's cheaping out on my needs. And most needs you don't hav to hav something so expensive for, but for ppl, they hav needs, they hav things. One of my needs is to be alone for a set time, minimally, a week. This is bare minimum. He's not met it, and doesn't think, to meet his own needs while meeting my needs, he should go out of his way for that. He'd be meeting his needs if cheaply and easily if it weren't for me. So I am the one who needs to adjust my needs so they fit better w/ his needs, and I finally was just like. No. I don't.

You either respect my needs and my time and all of this, or you don't. If you're too cheap to figure out and pay for how to get your needs met while meeting my needs, then you are not the person for me.

And I'm just so sick and tired. Of bending things around for him and his insanity.

The convo started really because he was upset I didn't tell him, while the day was happening, that he didn't leave for a me day. And I was like.... well why didn't you leave? And he was like 'we discussed using the Me Day as our anniversary day, I didn't think there was anything more to talk about' and I was like ?? 'Use some goddamn discernment. What do you mean not talk about it more? What do you mean you thought that when I said we could use the afternoon, essentially just the back HALF of my Me Day for our anniversary day, I somehow meant that I no longer wanted a Me Day at all for the entire WEEK?' And I was also like 'you NEED to sort out some judgement yourself. I do not know how you expected me to think that by me saying 'yes we can use the afternoon of my Me Day for our anniversary' would mean that I was ok w/ giving up my Me Day for the entire week, that I just magically didn't want one, but YOU need to determine if what you understood Makes Sense. Was I REACTING like a person who just gave up their precious Me Time, the whole fuckin day, randomly in an off-hand (because it wasn't a discussion so much as an ask and response as I recall) comment say yeah we can use my me day for the anniversary since you'll be gaming w/ your friends on our actual anniversary date and I do not mind explicitly which day the anniversary day is and know that I'm getting the me time just on a different day.......... like did I seem that level of calm or give up my Me Time for the entire week level of concerned? YOU need to determine or ASK if my demeanor maybe doesn't match up w/ what YOU are experiencing the situation as. How was I to kno that you meant the time not explicitly going to the anniversary, that is still me time that you are still working during, how was I to know that you meant I no longer get that too and then also WHY do I no longer get that too? Why did you THINK I no longer wanted that too? Is it because... you just didn't wanna give it to me in the first place and it would be EASIER for you to not give it to me too?

The frustration, the brain cells killed. The ANNOYANCE. And now I'm alone and I'm not even enjoying it because I just had to talk to a toddler about logic for an hour except he's a grown man 6 months older than me w/ a computer engineering degree. The lack of respect I hav for him actually is staggering.

You wanna kno somethin wild? Last night we were at Ken's family's house and everyone was celebrating Ken's older brother (who I do not like that much)'s birthday. And so everybody was there, full house, and Ken did switch out the chairs before his mother sat down w/o me saying anything, and I didn't even think he needed to actually cuz she had one of the regular chairs at the table it just wasn't one of the comfiest chairs at the table and he switched it for one comfier.

But after dinner, it was quite hectic, well everyone was hanging out for a good lil bit and then when everyone started packin up to leave, it was quiteeeee hectic so I suggested to Ken that we hang back til after the majority left and he was cool w/ that and honestly a lot of my social and energetic battery had drained so a lot of it was just not wanting to be caught up in the crowd.

But it worked out well because Ken and I got to stay and hang w/ his older sister a lil bit, she's doing a summer bucket challenge actually and trying to get a lot of random things accomplished lmao so she sent the list to Ken and he sent it to me so we could do stuff w/ her. I think she was moreso asking him to do things w/ her, and her birthday is soon, so I think she was wanting to bond w/ him, but I'm down to do an interesting thing around town lol. So we'll see how that goes.

But the funniest thing was after that, after she left, Ken's parents came to hang w/ us in the living room and Ken's Mom came over to me and Ken and asked if we could help change Youtube to be in Japanese for her. And so Ken got up and moved to the other couch so she could sit down w/ him and she just plopped down next to me and had me change it for her lol. And I changed it no problem, though frustratingly wat I didn't initially realize and Ken couldn't believe it either, was that you hav to change the language setting on every device Youtube is on. It doesn't change it account wide, it changes it per device, which is v annoying.

But I hope that helps her w/ Youtube and w/ her devices. She only wanted Youtube for now, but I told her if she likes it on Youtube, I can change it for any other place digitally that she wants. I can make her email Japanese, her whole computer Japanese, her phone Japanese. I didn't setup the Japanese keyboard for her on her laptops, that's a bit much, but she did have it available on her phone so that's good. And she was typing in the anglicized letting for Japanese characters in Youtube search and it was working so she's excited about that :)

We also did some line dancing. She really likes to dance, at home alone when nobody's around and somehow Ken didn't know this, so we were looking up line dancing videos and things on Youtube. Ken's family doesn't realize that she is a visual learner, because English is not her first language, Japanese is, she understands things a lot better when you show her and walk her through it rather than just describing it w/ words. Like all the time, Ken's dad loves to talk about music, he lovessssss music, and yet, he will just often TALK about music to Ken's Mom instead of like playing the song for her or the genre or watever. Letting her HEAR what it is you mean. So I just do it. If there's a concept they're talking about that it doesn't seem like she understands, it's dance moves they are describing that she doesn't know or music they're describing but not playing or a show or something, I just get out my phone and look it up and show her myself.

So hilariously, I was showing her line dances, basic ones like the electric slide and the cha cha slide and we got started watching a video of like the top 10 best line dance videos or something lol where they're gettin real fancy w/ it and hilariously also, Ken is one of the only ppl I've met of our generation who does not kno the cha cha slide lol.

So hilariously, w/ Ken's parents and Ken yesterday, I led them in dancing the cha cha slide lmao. Ken's Mom was here for it, she loved it, she was v excited. Ken and Ken's dad were quite confused and just trying to follow wat I was doing lmao.

I didn't think there'd ever be a time when I'm the resident expert on the cha cha slide lmao and just general line dancing but it's all about the groups you're in lmaoooooo.

But idk the look of confusion and genuine shock on Ken's face when his mom chose to sit down next to me and asked me alone to help her get Youtube setup.

And then Ken's dad see it too. He said that Ken's mom was really wanting a new phone until I got ahold of it and now she's all good w/ keeping it lol. I told them all I really did was turn off auto updates and cleaned up some apps. And that IS all I did but it's also not, I give her a v safe place to be herself. And I think she likes that.

It was kinda sad. At dinner, at one point, to Ken's dad's credit he plays Marvel Splendor w/ Ken's Mom and she is v good at playing it. But it turns out, it's just because she actually thinks through her moves when she plays w/ just Ken's dad because she doesn't think anyone else has the patience for her and she doesn't wanna hold them up w/ how long it takes her to take her turns. So she just doesn't think much about it and does stuff and knows she'll lose nearly every game that she plays w/ anyone more than just Ken's dad.

And that's just :( I feel so horrible she feels like that. She just kept thanking Ken's dad for having basic patience for her for taking her turns and giving her time to think through her moves. That's just common courtesy! That's just common decency!!! This poor woman. I'm glad she feels comfortable asking me to help make things easier for her, I hav absolutely no issue at all w/ doing that.

Now that Ken has left, and I've blogged out some of the frustrations, and I am gettin sweaty out on the patio w/ Zale, I think I'll go inside and chill. I'm gonna take a gummy and calm down. A few things I also need to do today.

I need to shower, I need to clean Zale's litterboxes cuz problematically I didn't get to that yesterday, I need to tidy up the dining table cuz it's got a lot goin on, and I need to watch more of The Bear cuz I wanna finish it up this week!

I need to play w/ Zale, I need to figure out dinner, I need to build a lego and put some dots on my face. So many things to do. So little time.

I hope my dressing down of Ken spurs action. But who knows. I thought our discussion last time when I told him I know it might cost a bit but I NEED me time and if this is the me time you're trying to give me, then YOU need to come up w/ further solutions for yourself. I am not coming up w/ them.

That is one thing I am trying to hold more firm on my boundaries on. How much thinking and planning and figuring out of things I'm gonna do for things for him. Cuz I no longer hav it in me. I used to, and I do not anymore. I absolutely do not.

I think that it is time that I go and get up to my own nonsense. I think I'm gonna take a gummy and see how much of anything gets done tonight. I had plans, and good god how they've gotten so fucked up.

God I just wanna cry. How frustrating everything is. How much I need to do to change it

[supersecretsideblog]

Took up 40 mins of my life. Just to piss me off and mess up my afternoon.

I was stressed, I had a whole plan for getting things done. And then Ken comes in w/ a wrench and just throws it into everything.

Apparently, though he only had a snack for lunch and waited 3 hours, I was supposed to realize that he didn't Really mean he wanted to hav lunch w/ me and it was that serious, so if I wanted to hav lunch on my own and still do my own plans, that's on me for not holding to my own boundaries.

And let me mark that on the list that I want a man who understands wat boundaries are and wat boundaries ppl hav and also understands goddamn decorum. Understands social politeness. Understands when ppl do mean and do not mean it.

We had lunch together, watched Youtube, argued. it was wat it was. Except now I've lost an hour of time to gettin stuff done when I was already hella stressed. And now neither of us are gonna be all that hungry til way later anyway. I just.

I am so frustrated things in life keep going this way. And now Ken is upset because we had lunch when I didn't want to hav lunch and now my day feels messed up when I was just getting it started and it's like. I wasn't trying to upset you w/ how much you fuckin upset me but goddamn. I just.................. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

One day I will not hav to deal w/ this absolute bullshit. One fuckin day

[supersecretsideblog]

Ken and I had honestly a really great day yesterday.

But I don't need to get into all that lmao. I don't wanna write much tbh, except about the stress I'm feeling because I'm about to hav a busy day and I am about to eat somethin cuz I am hungry and I just wanna get some of the preliminary stress out and then get to doin stuff.

I did just a min ago finally get through to Toyota to schedule my state inspection and get the oil changed and tires rotated. And Ken and I discovered on Saturday at a gas station that my back left brake light is out! Luckily I do hav the right brake light and the one above the trunk because I hav an SUV, so ppl will still be v aware I am braking, or Ken at the time was driving and aware he is braking, but I just didn't know it was out. Always good to check your lights w/ someone every now and again just to see. Crazy wat everyone else can know that you are unaware of lol.

Anyway, got that scheduled for Wednesday, though my sticker on my plate is out in June, but hopefully havin the appt already scheduled and just gettin there on Wednesday will be alright. I've done it late before, I kno it is v problematic, but we are livin life and it'll be alright. Though this will be the first time I'm havin to pay to get any of it done, before I was on a free plan w/ Toyota that I do believe has ended now that my birthday has passed and I really should've gotten it done Before my birthday and saved this money but I didn't and here we are. There is only so much beating up I should be allowed to do to myself. And that's where I am w/ it all. At this point.

Anyway, I am Stressed. Lots to do. I did get a good bit done last night though. I did a power hour or so of cleaning up and tidying up the apartment last night while poor Ken napped on the couch lmao. I got a good bit of the laundry done, tho a lot more to getting the laundry done than I initially thought.

I am doing my thing of having tasks on my white board that are just basic and I'm not allowed to take them off or replace them unless all options for them become blocked. But nothing is really blocked rn. I hav laundry on there and I thought I'd be able to knock it off real easy after I put away wat's in the dryer but I do also need to wash my hair dye towels and I was gonna wash a lot of the linens like towels and washcloths and stuff in w/ vinegar to get them fluffed up again because the fibers are gettin worn down and all of it is really hard and rough now instead of being light and fluffy and soft. And then I hav some other things to wash and I wanna look into getting Hank Green's laundry detergent so like.

Turns out, a lot more to the laundry than I initially thought lol. BUT things will feel a lot cleaner and more sorted out when I finish up all the laundry stuff so I'm alright w/ having such a long to do list for it all even tho I was completely in my own world not expecting that lmao.

But it's all goin alright. I put a lot of work in for the Room project last night, even got a bin emptied out and off the floor, so that is improvement :D Did a good bit of tidying up in my room but it's still such a clusterfuck of a situation lmao. BUT we are doin wat we can to make it work :D

I am feelin STRESS about all the things on the list though. About how many things I need to do. About the plans today. But I think that's because I hav not eaten anything yet and it's nearly 3pm (I did only wake up at like 1:30pm I think) so. Lemme get a bit of food. Tonight, Ken wants to celebrate our anniversary (as we do monthly) so I've only got a few hours to eat a bit and work on things around the apartment so. I don't think Ken wants to get up to a lot of insanity tonight, I think he said he wants to scratch off one of our 'random fun date' idea cards and do wat it says, if we don't need to pre-plan it or anything lol. He wanted dinner at home, leftovers. So I think we'll hav a chill meal and then see wat random thing we get up to. I think he has the cards so I can't even like inspect them or anything beforehand lmaoooo.

But that's alright. We do hav a v busy week this week BUT it will end really well for me so I'm excited :) So we hav our anniversary dinner tonight, then tomorrow we hav couples counseling (ew) and then Ken will be out all night w/ his friends playing d&d so I'll hav a me night at home. Which will be awesome. And then Wednesday I hav to take the car to Toyota, and then Ken has a free night but that kinda means I hav a free night so that's awesome. Then on Thursday I hav to take my Mom to the courthouse for the stuff we're doin w/ my dad's estate and then that afternoon/night Ken wants to do stuff for my bday. It's a whole different month and weeks later and he still has not planned it at all, but his plan is to figure out wat to do on Thursday on Wednesday. And then I take him and his twin to the airport at like 6am on Friday and then they don't get back til like 1am Monday morning (or late Sunday night if you wanna say it how it feels lol) so.

A mess of a week but generally Tuesday afternoon and then Friday morning to Sunday night are mine :D Just mine, only mine, I am making NO plans, I am only gonna do wat I wanna do and wat I need to do. But I'm glad I'm getting some big things done this week as the week goes on, as I can. Hopefully all laundry things done by Friday, hopefully The Bear is done by Friday and I can watch watever, might even go to the movies, I got a new movie pass thing from AMC so I can go to the movies more lol. Since there are A TON that I wanna see. And I went over the list w/ Ken and he only wants to see some of them and I went over the rest of the list w/ Katie and she only wants to see Jurassic World w/ me so I hav 2 horror movies I will be going to see alone lol. But that's alright :) I wanna see them! And I hav the movie pass thing now, I'll go see them :) I might even go during the day one of the days this week.

Ken and I went to the movies yesterday morning at 9:30am and I hav to say, it was pretty awesome. Nice and easy way to start your day, then we got out just in time for lunch, and it felt good to be out and about adventuring even if it didn't exactly feel like that's wat you were gettin up to because you'd been doin a chill activity.

Idk, I hav a good time. I should go to the movies in the morning more often.

Anyway, I hav a lot of things to do! Does not feel like a lot of time to do it in! Lemme get some food and chill some before puttin in some work and then havin watever date night w/ Ken we hav tonight.

I will say tho, problematically, last night I started doin somethin I hav not done before. Or at least can't remember doin before. I started fantasizing about the qualities I DO want out of a partner. I want a partner who is incredibly confident and responsible and just. All the things. Idk. I'm starting a list, now I think, of things that I just know... I wanna keep an eye out for.

Ok, Ken just came out here, he wants to hav lunch together but it's 3:05pm.... I thought I heard him hav lunch around noonish, but it turns out he had a light snack, just in case I woke up he wouldn't hav eaten much so that he could eat w/ me. I wish........ there's a niceness to it and also a like... a codependent feeling that I am not enjoying.

But I hav some good starter ideas for my ideal partner and one day, maybe they'll be wat I actually hav.

Ugh I was just gonna eat a singular chicken tender lol for lunch but now he's gonna be eating around me and I'm gonna hav to eat a bigger meal or he's gonna come at me and then I won't be able to eat much later. Ughhhhhhhhhh

[supersecretsideblog]

My acid reflux is really tryin to kill me, it feels like.

Well, I guess not cuz it's not really painful, just uncomfortable and frequent and annoying. But not too painful, so life could be worse.

I think it's in high gear cuz I've had gummies and alcohol and carbonated beverages and spicy foods all in the last few days lmaoooo. So it's in high gear. Life is not ideal.

I should do things to calm it back down again. Hopefully I do that.

I am quite tired. My body is tired, my mind is tired.

I'm watching Dark Matter. I hav 2 eps left in the season and some wild shit is happening! I hav to say, not a big fan of the main character or actor but I love the women around him and I love the creativity of the story being told. I am here for it. I like the things it is making me think about.

It IS making me think about the monotony of the idea of like traversing the multiverse. I, as a sci-fi nerd, hav spent a good deal of time in multiversal stories, prior to the big multiverse situation Marvel threw the world into. And the monotony of just. Searching and searching and never finding your true home, aside from in Doctor Strange 2, hasn't been explored Too Much in at least the media I consume. And the idea that like, I've seen that before I do believe the idea that like you're all you and interchangeable and it doesn't matter. The mattering of things becomes so much less once you hav the power to change them.

And you hav the ultimate power to change them if you exist in a multiverse. If you hav access to and can go to different universes, of watever desire and design you want.

It's giving Fringe, it's giving idk. It's just fascinating. It's fascinating to me! I love the idea of it.

One of my fave theories is a theory I've come up w/ that idk how true it is or how much it makes sense but logically speaking makes a lot of sense to me. If you believe in the multiverse.

So say the multiverse exists, right. We believe it exists, we believe it is infinite. Why is it infinite? Because every single decision, action, possibility, is covered in at least a singular given universe. All outcomes for everything and literally anything are possible in the multiverse, and that is why it is infinite. BUT, for all possibilities to exist, they cannot exist all at the same time, each universe itself must be at least 1 change of difference from another universe, all universes must be different from one another, no two universes are the same. That would cause a conundrum, so for the sake of everything, all universes are different. And well, that must mean, there is a set 'path', per se, for each universe. If each universe is different, then each one must follow a unique path, a unique combination of actions and decisions and circumstance that makes that universe what it is, and thus, each universe is fixed. And if each universe is fixed, everybody's path, life path, whatever, is also fixed. And thus, there is no free will. If everybody's path for their entire life, every decision, every action, every circumstance, is already accounted for and taken in comparison to all other universes.

So I came up w/ this w/ the idea of does free will exist. I think that's a yes and no answer. Ultimately, no, because each universe is fixed, this universe is FIXED, as all must be, so everybody's paths are pre-determined to what they are going to be. There is nothing you can do, anything you can do to go against it has already been accounted for and is part of the equation. This universe is it.

BUT. B U T!

We cannot see all of time at once! We see time linearly. The universe experiences time all at once, that is how it can discern each universe from the others, it must see the whole of time at once and splits at each point possible in time. If you can see all of time at once, like a 4th dimensional being theoretically would, then the idea of free will does not exist. Because you know what is going to happen.

We are 3rd dimensional beings. We cannot see all of time at once. We can only experience it as it happens and remember, as best we can, what has happened. And because of this, because we cannot see all of time at once, free will does exist. We do not know which universe we are in!

If we could see all of time at once and see which universe we were in, free will would no longer exist. Knowledge would exist. I think free will, for our life path, is just the absence of knowledge of which universe we live in.

We are free to make whatever choices we want, safe in the knowledge that this is what is meant to happen in this universe. This is how all of it is meant to happen here, in this existence, these are the cards we were dealt.

Ken and I had a fascinating convo last week, I wish I could remember more of it, about the depths of the universe and things. Why does evil exist, he asked me, and I answered back differentiating between the universal level and the individual level. Because I think those are different.

Why does evil exist, on the universal level. Why wouldn't it? Evilness is a moral stance. The judgement of actions is a moral stance. We are moral beings. The universe is not. The universe is made of the alive and the un-alive. I think alive things can be moral. I do not think un-alive things can be moral. Morality is a thing for the living.

And thus, if morality is a thing for the living, evil exists because why wouldn't it? The concept of evil exists because all things that exist, exist, and for the universe to say some actions are evil and must not exist and to say some actions are not evil and therefor must exist is not a stance it could ever take. Things do exist or they don't, and evil exists.

On an individual level, Ken thinks because people want to be understood. I think that is true, I think evil exists because pain exists. Because humans can feel pain, they can be evil. Is that a moral stance? Probably. I think hurt people hurt people, and because of that, everyone who hurts someone must be hurt themselves. They must be in pain. And thus pain is what makes people evil. Is this necessarily true? I don't know. But that's my theory. What is misunderstanding if not pain?

Anyway. I like to get moral, I like to get philosophical, I like to get deep lol. I like to think deep things.

Dark Matter is making me think deep things! Would you steal your own life, the life you didn't get to have, from yourself? Would you kill yourself to do it? Would you even care what happens to your close friends or even your wife and children, if you know they exist somewhere else out there? A Wanda Maximoff question. The lengths you would go to for the life you didn't have.

Never stopping to realize that you don't have it for a reason. You are the person you are BECAUSE you didn't have it.

This man is trying to jump into a 15 year marriage that his counterpart had w/ his wife, and he's like 'it's too hard, I think I might leave' and it's like. Yeah! You might leave! Because YOU don't have that 15 years of commitment that would make you question that. You have completely different experiences and values and everything.

I think it is so fascinating. I hav gotten more into the idea of it. What IS it that makes us magic. What is the magic in us that makes us alive. What is it that makes us US, ya kno? When you get amnesia or dementia, when you lose as much of your past as I have. When you forget yourself. When you are forgotten.

What's that quote? 'They say everyone dies twice. When you die, and the last time someone speaks your name'. The last time anyone remembers you.

Is your memory you alive? Is the memory of you, you alive? Is half life better than full death?

How much humanity do we lose when we become numb to monotony?

Idk! I've been thinking many things. Lots of big life questions. I've never believed that we are what we remember. Or what we do. Or what we don't do. Or that we can so easily be defined by something as simple as what we do or don't do or what we do and don't remember. I believe more in the idea of the soul. There is an essence, to each one of us, that IS us, that though the circumstances of the multiverse may completely change us from each other, and I think that's fair, in this universe, in this body, on this Earth, in this frame of time that my life will occupy, I am me.

I am the only one who will ever even know that. All my inner workings. All my cogs and gears. All my thoughts. I am me. There will only ever be this me. Right here. Right in this moment. Feeling like she's completely wasting her life and half alive and not sure what she's doing.

I came on here really to say that I think I'm putting off looking for a job because I know that once I get a job, I will hav a lot less holding me here in this relationship, in this situation in life, in this unhappiness. That moving towards finding a job isn't just about the job, it's about my path in life. I will be moving towards my new life. And I am afraid to do that, I want to hunker down and stay here. Stay right here. I want to hold onto this as tightly as I can. I don't want to let it go.

And I don't have to yet. I don't yet. But I will. And that time is coming sooner than I want.

It is hard to be somewhere you know you are not meant to stay. I think ultimately that would be my issue w/ the multiverse. I would lose my mind knowing that I wasn't where I was meant to be. I could live w/ it at first but I know eventually, and it wouldn't take too long, it would make me crazy.

But luckily my problems are not of me being stuck in the multiverse. But it does feel a bit like that.

I can keep this path here in this place in this life. Or I can leave it.

I know which path I have to take. I'm just not happy about it in the moment

[supersecretsideblog]

I'm feeling good about life.

And also a lil bit high still lmao. I took a gummy last night, and I took a much lower dose than I normally take, but my body responded by getting wildlyyyyy high lmao. I was just in such a bad mood yesterday, idk. I got really down and I took a gummy to mellow out and let me tell you... stillllll feelin it lmao.

But that's ok. And Ken is giving me a Me Day so that's goin well. Well, it's a Me Day til work gets out, then it's a Free Night ie he works on his own things and I work on mine.

I was tellin him last night, we are both so behind on things, we both hav A LOT of catchin up to do, we may as well keep doin Me Days and Free Nights as much as we can to get to a better place and then we can space it out more. And then we can Enjoy Our Lives more.

Which I mainly only really was talkin about in terms of tonight and the next couple of days but I'm gonna re-visit it w/ him the next time we talk which will be later tonight or tomorrow. Ken, for his Free Nights, seems to kinda wanna reach a point in the night where he's done w/ his stuff so we can hang out still. I don't think that's really gonna be a sustainable situation but he can learn some things the hard way. And that might be one of them.

But on the upside, I'm gettin things done. I've started a new system lmaooooo for my to do list. I was using my digital to do lists for a bit like a month ago and they ARE good but they became incredibly overwhelming and it felt like I was just adding a ton to the lists and not accomplishing as much. I'd get a lot done but not FEEL like I got that much done because the lists were still so wildly long. So I just decided to completely get rid of the lists for a bit and just do wat I could remember. Not the best either, I can't remember much.

So I'm back to a white board but instead of it having a bunch of lil things on it, it's just got max 5 things that I personally need to do (I do hav a bonus thing that Ken and I are meant to do together but that doesn't really feel like it counts cuz it's not up to me for getting it done, Ken and I hav to do it together). And I'm just gonna keep chippin away at it til it's done, watever it is. It is an all encompassing thing.

So like, I hav Knitting on there. But that doesn't just mean to finish the current knitting project I'm on, it means to get my entire knitting situation in a good place. And that means to also make sure my knitting document is organized and done and there's nothin else I need to do to it, that all my projects are in a good place and there's nothing in progress that I am confused about or anything (cuz I hav another project I found that I was in the middle of and I'm gonna hav to figure out wat I was doing and how to finish it). Basically, this list is solution focused and the topic stays on the board until that topic IS finished and done and I can feel good about it.

So Knitting will be on the board until there is nothing knitting-wise that I feel like I need to work on, which doesn't mean there's no projects to start or anything but that I can start my knitting projects w/ a clear conscience lmao that there is NOTHING left to do that's in the backlog related to knitting.

So currently on there are my Resume, my Room, Knitting, my Bed (I need to change all the bed sheets but also Ken and I need to switch out our mattress toppers. I would put this as a Ken & Me topic except that only the mattress topper switching is a shared thing and as soon as I start on that, Ken will do it, so this is less that we need to do it together and more that I need to work on it and then he will be ready when I am), and the show Dark Matter (Because I'm tryin to get through it before I start on The Bear S4 which I am hypeeee to get into).

My room is a complete disaster and will take LOTS of work but it's good to keep it up there so I can work lil by lil on it.

Basically, that's the point of all of it. All the things on this board are a lot, they are difficult for me to work on, and it will be good that I hav them on here and can just start chipping away at all of them lil by lil. And that's wat I've been doing so far.

Since the categories are so huge or take a lot of time/effort/energy, and are comprised of multiple pieces or episodes or sections or watever, it makes it easy to be like 'I'll watch an episode of this and then I'll tidy this or I'll do that section of the document or I'll take the bed sheets off the bed or I'll update the Certifications section of my resume' like. It naturally makes it so I can break it down into a piece I can complete and feel compelled to complete and not like I need to do the entire thing in one go or anything else idk.

Idk. It's been helping. I got a lot of Zale's stuff done last night, and a good bit of tidying. My knitting document is already like halfway to being more complete. I even hav started working on projects not on the white board lmao which isn't the most ideal thing but any progress forward on anything is good. I just got my phone apps updated and there were almost 150 of them that needed to be and I'm finallyyyyyy starting to update my app folders and things.

My phone has been a CLUSTERFUCK of apps and mess and nonsense for at least a fuckin year now it feels like if it isn't actually because I hav so many sections and folders and apps to get to. Sign up for, sort out how they work, see if they're even useful. It's a mess. FINALLY I'm starting to actually go folder by folder and start getting things right.

I'm gonna go folder by folder and make sure everything in that folder is Correct and ready to go and then that folder can be moved into an area that makes it usable. All my fuckin folders anyway are an absolute clusterfuck on different pages so. Now I've got a clean page near where my main apps are and I'm gonna be able to put my ready to go apps and folders on that clean page now :) So that's just makin me feel really good honestly. Makin me feel like life is better lol. Like I've got stuff more sorted out and organized.

I'm makin my way through the show Dark Matter. I watched nearly 2 episodes last night while high that I do not remember at all lmao so I'm having to rewatch, but that's ok. I've gotten through the first ep, will be getting through the second here soon. And then I hav a bit of tidying for my room that I wanna get done. My room looks like a fuckin bomb went off in there, there is just stuff EVERYWHERE and it's a complete disaster but. Lil by lil I will get it cleaned up and organized. And lil by lil, I will get through all of these big tasks, and many more, here soon.

I am hoping that by the end of July, most of my big projects that were in my phone notes, are cleaned up and complete. I didn't even hav my knitting stuff in there, but I'm trying to work on things as they come up. My knitting stuff wasn't on the list before because I wasn't knitting before and I wasn't knitting before partly BECAUSE it was so difficult because I had such a backlog and clusterfuck of a situation. But I WANT to knit so it's time to clean it up and make it work for me. And that's just how I'm tryin to feel about all this other stuff. I WANT to do these things or these things are coming up and it's time that I get to them.

Tidying the living room isn't on the list but it does need to get done and I can work on it while I'm workin on other things or inbetween other things. I'm not losing focus on the 5 main things I'm workin on but I can work on other things instead of just those main 5. And I think this system is workin well :)

It's also just been good to work on things as I want to work on them. That feels like I'm accomplishing more, feels like things are not sitting around for 7 years for me to deem it important enough to get to. Sometimes you just gotta do stuff. So. I'm feelin good :) Feelin happy about all that.

And I always feel better when I am productive. Just makes me feel good to get stuff done.

So that's the plan for the next hour and a half. Get caught back up on Dark Matter from where I stopped last night, and get to workin on a few more things on my list as I can. I have a section of my room I wanna get to tonight, I wanna work on my resume, I wanna work on knitting, I wanna get the bed stuff done.

Hopefully by the end of the night, at least 3 of the 5 things will be complete, w/ progress made on the other 2, and I'm even working on my phone project (which I'd hav just listed as Phone on the white board) and so that's awesome. When I DO get to putting my phone on the white board at some future point, I'll hav less stuff left to do, so that's even awesome :D

Things are in motion. And that feels good.

Plus, I'm working on updating my notifications so my phone isn't constantly spamming me w/ notifications. So that's awesome too. Cleaned up my Insta notifications some and been workin on that project, to clean up my Instagram experience altogether, a good bit, so that's been nice :) Things just feel like they're comin together, wat can I say lol

[supersecretsideblog]

Today has been quite devoid of emotion for me lmao. I honestly, while I was w/ my Mom earlier, was like 'I feel like there's nothing behind my eyes. I'm literally just here'. And that vibe has kinda shaken me, and dissipated a bit more since coming home, but. Wat an odd feeling.

How far I am from myself rn.

In other news, somehow lost my regular glasses. I still hav my prescription sunglasses and a spare pair in the car of my regular glasses but my main pair has... disappeared. I kno generally wat happened is I had them in my left pants pocket and I hate things in my pocket and so you'd think they would hav made it into my purse, which is where I usually keep them, but I was at the courthouse w/ Mom, I switched into my sunglasses, and I do not know where my regular glasses went after that. I can't remember.

Ken and I tried to have sex but, even tho we hav not had sex in 3 weeks to the day, he couldn't get there. Unfortunate for him. Idk wat is happening, he's having mental things goin on about it, we haven't talked about it. Idk.

But that pissed me off in general that we had sex at all because I did not wanna fuck up my day like that. I fell asleep after for like hours and I honestly woke up after a couple of hours but was so pissed off about sleeping at all and didn't wanna see Ken cuz I was wildly pissed at him that I just. Fell bak asleep cuz it was better than stewing angry.

Not that it's Ken's fault explicitly but he initiated sex, I had sex for him not for me, and then he couldn't even get there and I end up fuckin up my day. It just. I'm mad at myself and I'm mad at him and I'm mad at this entire situation.

But watever.

He's having his me night which has included me a good bit so far actually which was not wat I was promised but watever. He got dinner and Crumbl cookies so at least there's that.

I need to get a job. Tonight I wanna get my resume ready. Get it good and prepped and where it needs to be. And then. I'm gonna spend tomorrow and the weekend looking for and applying to jobs. Cuz I hav got to do SOMETHING.

But otherwise it's been a fine day. Hangin w/ my Mom wasn't too bad. I got to drive some roads I like. See the trees, I spent a good bit of time driving around in the trees and it just felt like home. It felt incredible. The sun shinin through the tree shade. Gorgeous.

It's been nice knitting again. It's been good to hang w/ Zale some. He's growing distant from me as I've put the distance there as I've lost myself, I'm losing him. Not ideal. I need to be better. I need to do better. I need to figure out a solution. Solutions are difficult. Solutions take bravery and strength and determination. And I do not feel like I possess any of that rn. I feel v v much like I possess nothing rn.

But oh well. Ken's gonna be out here in a lil bit and we're gonna try the cookies and that'll be fun and maybe watch a bit of tv/Youtube together. We've been watchin a lot of Andor S2 lately, we've got the final arc, the last 3 eps, left to watch. And it's just been heatin up! It's been really cool :) One of the best things Star Wars has ever put out and one of the best things tv has ever made, imo.

I've been separately watching Dark Matter S1. It's ok. I am much more interested in the plot than anything else, tbh I'm not a big fan of the main character or lead actor. And supporting is just ok. I like Jimmi Simpson tho, he's awesome. Undervalued, that man is. He's played key characters in tons of good shows and I feel like he has not gotten the flowers he deserves.

But I'm just over here. Livin life. Wonderin if I'll ever feel like myself again. How much I feel like I'm just a robot goin through the motions, occasionally having major emotional breakdowns before I shut myself off for the sake of everybody else and robot it back up. What an insane way to live

[supersecretsideblog]

I'm not gonna get into the night much. It was good. I ignored everything about myself and thus it was fine.

But I've just spent a good bit talkin to ChatGPT.... I know. I hate me for it too. But I was talkin on there because wat I'm looking for is so niche. I want another place to live! I've been looking on Google and all over, and just nowhere feels RIGHT. And there are SO many factors to take into consideration. I just want an easy tabulation of it all w/o having to spend hours and days doing it myself. Problematically.

But basically the city I lived in.... I didn't realize how perfect it was? But also how limiting it was. As much as I want to move back there, I do not want to move back THERE. I want to move somewhere that has that kinda feel but isn't specifically there.

I so violently, I feel like, ripped myself out of my home that it doesn't feel like the right move to go back there. And now that I've been here, in capitalism hell, w/ access to things I've not had access to in a decade.... I feel torn. I want more of a city feel, I also wanna stay on the beach, I also want a temperate climate, I also want it to not be too conservative, I also want it to not be too small or too big.

And that is, as it turns out, fuckin impossible. I should've just stayed where I was. I'd hav still been happy. Now I feel lost. I feel v v lost.

But it did help me come up w/ a list of a few places to check out that might work. Places w/ low snow, that aren't tooooo expensive to live, that hav cultural events taking place that are also not huge military hubs. Absolutely do NOT wanna be near a military hub at all in the near future or well.. ever. Actually.

I just feel like. If I'm gonna fresh start, I may as well fresh start somewhere that won't be so difficult to adjust to or be a place I don't wanna be, necessarily? Idk. I was so set on moving out of the country, I didn't find an alternative city to move to in the country if I chose to stay.

But I know I can't stay in this area, anywhere near Metropolis. I know going back to the city will feel limiting and like I'm moving backwards and it just won't feel Right. I wish it could, I wish it would. But it won't.

I'm thinking of going up north some. I'll miss the south, but I'm not thinking to go too far. Maybe I could learn to not hate the snow. I do REALLY hate snow. I hate being cold, I'd much rather be hot. Which is bad, I am prone to heat exhaustion lmao, I am prone to passing out in the heat, I even felt like I was potentially gonna pass out tonight because Ken and I sat on the patio and watched the sunset and we were out there for a good hour w/o realizing and it was just fuckin HOT, especially because we had the fan blowing on Zale and not us so it just got to be so hot I started to feel a bit faint.

But I was laying in bed w/ Ken and I just couldn't fall asleep. I'm thinking too much, as exhausted as I am. I'm dreading seeing my Mom in the morning. Cody died, presumably on Friday, though she didn't confirm that he did, just said it was time to put him down. She texted me on Saturday to wish me a happy birthday, and yesterday (Monday) to ask if I was still going to come to her place tomorrow (it's 3:30am 'tomorrow' but ya know watever) (Wednesday) to take her for a big errand.

But I am anticipating her breaking down, wanting to talk to me about it, wanting to cry about it, telling me all the details. And I'm gonna hav to put up a boundary that I can't hear the details, I can't listen to it, I can't be there for her. I think she is anticipating I can be there for her and I am so emotionally completely drained as a human being of my spirit and will to live that I literally do not hav the CAPACITY for the things she is going to try to dump onto me tomorrow. The insanity she is going to try to make me feel.

I wish it was going to be a quick in and out but Ken and I went over the probable timeline and it seems like I will be roped into getting lunch w/ her probably so. But maybe not, maybe she'll need to get back to work, maybe she only took off the morning and not the whole day, idk.

Ken seems to be trying harder so at least there's that. I guess. I feel like we're friends more than romantic partners now. I don't even kno wat to do w/ that so I'm just leaving it there.

I am tired. I need to go to bed. I ate a lot of food today. I guess that's a good thing. I've been in such a way, I lost a couple of pounds the last few days, but did weigh myself before getting into bed tonight and I had made it back up lol. Though that was me at full, so really it is overall reduced still, at least for now. So that's something.

I do love that whenever I get up from Ken's room, Zale isn't too far behind. He just came out here to join me. He just came over for snugglies. God I love him so much.

Ya kno, nearly everyone I know lost a pet last year. That's horrible. I re-read that in my blog re-reading about my birthday last year. Absolutely fuckin tragic.

I kinda wanna knit. I was doing a big overhaul of my knitting document earlier. When I initially made it, it was a bit more haphazard. I didn't adhere to a lot of standards, things are all out of whack as I was iterating on my process constantly and adjusting it.

But I left out some important things in doing that and was missing some important things because of that so I'm now working to fill in the gaps and update the areas that need to be updated. It is A LOT of areas lmao but I am making progress. And I do kinda hate when I get to a point of kinda 'streamlining' something because half the fun for me for anything is just figuring it out. Figuring out how it works, how to do it better, wat are all the data points needed.

I just like to figure out how something works and then make it more efficient. That's my general thing in life. I like to streamline things.

But then once they are streamlined... I find it boring. I just want to constantly be cleaning up messes. But only like... certain ones lmao.

Because a lot of the cleanup for this doc is a level of tedious I don't wanna do. Like my stitch dictionary. I hav created a dictionary of all the different stitches I know as I learn and use them so that I can easily remember wat the stitch was or how to do it w/ my notes so I don't hit that point of confusion that breaks my focus and makes me wanna stop. I don't hav to get there because I already hav it defined in my dictionary w/ what the step says to do, what it says to do in my own words, and usually I like to link a Youtube tutorial vid that is quick and easy to follow.

And I've got that sorted by Neutral stitches (no increase or decrease but Something was done), Increasing stitches, and Decreasing stitches. And I've got all the stitches in their categories w/ their info mostly filled out but there's just a bunch of them that I need to like really polish up the verbiage for wat that stitch is actually ABOUT and this is the part I don't like, that's why I made the dictionary in the first fuckin place lmaooooo so that I wouldn't feel this feeling While Working On A Project. Because I kno it'll cause me to stop. So it feels even doubly important I do the hard part and work on this dictionary and get it setup correctly to prevent this very thing. It's literally proving its purpose just in my inability to fuckin update it lmao.

But there's a lot w/ patterns I haven't worked on in a good while that I'm gonna need to sort out and edit. I had a full lack of consistency w/ verbiage in my patterns, and w/ like how I want the pattern to even be written. There's just a lot of variance, and depending on my legibility and like if it even matters, I've left a lot of it as it is but I am at least trying to get them generally formatted similarly. But that is such a work in progress lmao.

But I did get a lot of the easier parts formatted correctly today and just the general structuring of the document in a better place and I'll keep chippin away at it. Basically, I've got a bit list of like 6 things I'm trying to get accomplished and I'm just tryin to chip away at them as I can in order to get through them. So I'll just keep chippin away at this project and things will get easier.

Tomorrow should be a generally fine day after I get back from Mom's though. It's Ken's Me Day which means we hav no plans together, we don't eat together, we just do our own things. He might even adventure to his parents' place for a lil bit, probs just be gone an hour or so, but ya kno. That'd be nice to hav at least a lil bit. Lots of projects around the apartment to work on, lots of things to try to get done.

Another thing is working more on my resume, doing stuff for the job search, cleaning up my room which is just a complete disaster, and then I can move to other things after that. Like Ken wants to do a lot w/ the beds tomorrow so I'll need to do that. Which he is dreading it like I am cuz it's a high energy kinda low reward situation but. Idk.

Last week I was feeling a lot more proactive about things and I can still feel a good twinge of that in me so. I'm just hoping to feel it more, and that it shines through a bit more tomorrow. Tho now it's nearly 4am and I hav to be up in 5 hours to get ready to be at Mom's at 10am.

So I might just be hella sleepy tomorrow. Idk. Wat I do know is that I'm just. Wanting to do a good bit of tidying in my life for most things. And we'll see where it takes me.

But it feels like I wanna escape. I wouldn't hav been searching so desperately for who knows how long it's been now, to find a place to move to. So idk.

Maybe I'll knit a few rows and hopefully expend some more brain energy because I do feel like it's running on high gear. So lemme use some of that on a Youtube vid and then get to bed

[supersecretsideblog]

Couples counseling didn't go that well. The day has not gone that great. I got upset at Ken before couples counseling even started.

He wants to talk about things in about an hour or so when he gets done w/ work. Idk if he'll finish right at 5, sometimes he takes longer to wrap things up, and that's fine, so idk.

But I'm over here and I'm like. Wtf is even the point?

I've been knitting. I'm about to get to doing some cleaning. Need to do a lot of cleaning up of Zale's stuff. Need to finish unpacking, I only half unpacked. And honestly I wanna do more to really get my room tidied up. It's driving me CRAZY that it's still a disaster.

And then I also need to work on my resume tonight. That's one thing I really wanna put more work into. I've completely deconstructed it for the new position and now that I hav my certifications, I feel more confident about my resume but I've gotta get them on there and get all the relevant stuff back on there and I had it all catered to QA before so I'm gonna hav to figure out how to cater it towards a Salesforce Admin role. And that's not the worst thing but it is Hard. Which is to say it's not easy lmao.

But today is the day to do it. So I'm gonna do it. Hopefully today anyway, I guess we'll see wat happens w/ Ken. Tomorrow should be better tho, at the v least it's his me day, and we are not meant to hav any plans together and last week I kinda took the time and made it a me day kind of thing so I'm hoping to be able to do that tomorrow and get even more cleaning and organizing done. Maybe also finish this dishcloth.

I'm feeling really good about my knitting because I'm really getting back in the mentality of it and of figuring patterns out and deconstructing them and figuring out wat I like and don't like. I'm a bit bummed that the new pattern I tried and am working on is not reversible. I'm finding a whole bunch of knitting patterns for washcloths/dishcloths and trying to see which ones I like the best so I can know which ones I wanna make to make a set for myself lmao. But of course, like anything, all I've been doing is making one offs of a ton of different patterns and making them various sizes and varying borders and things, I'm experimenting.

Honestly it's been amazing to kinda like. I'm just sampling, right now I feel like I'm heavily in a sampling phase and honestly when I DO find the right magic for the washcloth set, I think I'm gonna be bored making it. But that's ok, that's wat good tv is for lmao.

But the pattern I'm working on is not reversible, and I only want washcloths that hav a reversible pattern, I want it on both sides not just 1. So. The pattern I'm working on though would be cute for a sweater, I think. Or a funky bag. It's cool cuz it's got a zigzag in it and that's fun. And it's fun to knit, well, half fun to knit. I'm not the biggest fan of the purl only rows, but I put a bit of flare on it by adding a smooth edge, a slipped stitch edge, to it so at least it's a bit more fun than it seemed.

And I just figured out the math on it. Cuz since it zigzags, but does hav a repeating pattern, and a border. It's a bit of a deconstruction to figure out like, say I wanted to adjust the stitch count to something else, say I didn't like this size. How would I change it? Well, it's 41 stitches, but it's got a border on each row of 3 stitches per side, so a border of 6 stitches. So really the pattern itself is 35 stitches, because borders are adjustable. I can change that if I wanted to.

BUT it's got a pattern AND it's got a shifting situation going on, it's not just pure pattern, sometimes it's 3 stitches before the pattern starts, sometimes it's 1, sometimes it's 4. It shifts because it zigzags, but the most it shifts, for the pattern itself, counting both sides, they're 5 stitches. It's a shift but it only covers 5 stitches. And the pattern itself is 6 stitches each, repeated 5 times making 30 stitches.

So the pattern really is a 6 stitch repeat w/ 5 additional stitches to account for the shift, plus a 6 stitch border. That makes 41 stitches. But say I wanted this washcloth to be bigger. Well now I know, I can add it in groups of 6, so I can set it to 47 stitches, or 53 stitches, and the pattern should still work. As long as I'm not missing anything about the pattern repetition itself that would indicate it needs to be repeated 5 times, and not any number of times. But I don't think that's the case.

So I write that in my notes as [(Groups of 6) + 5] + 6 for the border. And that way I know how to adjust the pattern.

So just figuring that out and working more on the pattern, I'm at the halfway point of the current washcloth and I do love the color of it, I don't think it'll be the ultimate color but it is cute and I would like to use it in other projects :) I'm just happy to be knitting again and figuring this stuff out and I really did it the right way this time.

Wrote out my pattern and I'm just really happy I've got things runnin so smoothly. I even learned a new stitch for this pattern! And it does look really cute, even if I don't want it for the washcloths. It's good to test the borders with and see things. I think I do still want the rounded edge borders, I'm gonna hav to go back and figure that out. How I did that before. I think I started w/ a higher stitch count and then reduced it but I'm gonna hav to look more into how I did that. I know I was having an issue w/ that kind of edge and w/ the slipped stitch edge not makin it look right so I'm def gonna need to go back and sort that out. But that's ok :)

I'm excited to be workin on it. Lots of cleanup in my knitting doc to do, but that's also alright. It's not as exciting though so I don't wanna do it lmao, I'd much rather write out a pattern to try than get into that mess. BUT it's important. So I'm gonna try to get to workin on it. At some point tonight or tomorrow lmao.

Lots of things to accomplish. I feel good about it. Maybe I'll get out a white board lmao. I've stopped using my digital lists. Maybe it's just time to white board it out again lol.

Ok, I'm writing very basic things on it, one word things only, just a general list to keep me focused. So I will try to work on some of those things here in the next few mins. Starting w/ Zale's stuff, I need to clean his stuff and refill his stuff and everything so. Will do that soon and then hopefully Ken will be done w/ work and I guess we'll talk.

I feel like saving things and idk why. So I guess I'm gonna work on trying to save it. Idk

[supersecretsideblog]

It has been hours. I am calmer.

I must say, I am not happy about the emotional whiplash I've been going through. And honestly at this point I'm questioning why I was even so upset. So he didn't do anything at all right for my birthday or celebrate it really or even text me on the day w/o my prompting. So what.

What a fucked up way to be. It is v weird in real time to watch as my body does this. Just rejects my intense emotions, and opts for the calmer side of things to maintain some kind of peace. Reminds me of living w/ my mom.

Tbh a lot of this birthday situation did remind me of my Mom and of previous shitty boyfriends and they shitty things they'd do. And maybe I just got triggered but also? I do not think I'm insane here.

Ken is basically telling me I'm insane and impossible to read because I don't like my birthday and hav previously gotten mad/upset w/ him for the things he's done for my birthday so he was trying to 'downplay' it all this year because he thought that was wat I wanted.

And I just hav to be clear on it. I don't remember being upset w/ him about my birthday. Maybe last year, I do not remember my birthday last year. But the year before he made me cheesecake and got me stuff and idk. I don't remember being mad. I remember being mad he couldn't figure out the right way to plan the birthday party and then he was visiting venues w/o me. I remember being mad about that. But I don't remember being upset about anything else he did. The cheesecake was nice, he made it himself, he made it rainbow, I don't remember exactly which gifts he got me but they were not ideal but they I do believe were expensive. Idk. I can go back and read it. I can literally go bak through this blog and read wat happened.

Wow. I just re-read a post from last year and I was as wildly disappointed last year as I was this year. I'm more disappointed this year, it was way more of a clusterfuck this year. But good god, all I kept saying about last year was he tried. That's all I've been saying this year. I don't wanna seem ungrateful but he tried. That's basically the mantra.

The first birthday I had w/ him was nice and everything seemed good and he got me the weighted blanket and made me rainbow cheesecake and it just felt personal and nice and I felt fancy. I wasn't upset. I was just upset last year for the exact same reasons I'm upset this year.

I am not going to experience another birthday w/ this man. I am not going through this disappointment again. I am not experiencing this and having him gaslight me that I'm insane.

I was calmer and now I'm upset. Watever.

I started knitting again this morning. It was a cool process really, especially because I did not do this process last time lmao. I hav some patterns I wanna try out saved, just the links to them, and I found one that appealed to me this morning and then had to but it (for like $3) and then wrote down their version and then wrote it out as my version so I could be able to read it and like actually do it and then added it to my active projects section and added in my border stitches to it so I don't hav to think about them and now I've got an incredible pattern I'm working from and I'm a lil over a quarter done w/ it :D

So that's cool. Just makes me feel good, feel productive, feel like if I just follow my process w/ things, I can do anything. Plus in my documents, I've been tweaking things, so that's been nice. I hav a lot more that needs to be cleaned up and organized in that document but for the moment I'm just happy my general system works and I can tweak things along as I go. Plus! I learned a new stitch :D

And it's been nice, Zale's been keeping close, he was quite interested in the yarn and now just hangin w/ me outside, layin on the bench w/ me. So that's been nice :)

I think Ken is up, lemme put this away

[supersecretsideblog]

I'm not gonna lie, I find Ken to be completely pathetic. Well. Not completely, but very much pathetic.

He came back, we talked, it did not go anywhere great because he of course had no plans setup, he had no intention of apologizing or trying to sort anything out, he basically just wanted to intellectualize me on wat he thinks the problem 'is'. Which is that I'm upset w/ all the things he did for my birthday and that I'm just upset and unhappy in general.

And instead of that lighting a fire under his ass, he just feels defeated and depressed and like it's too big to handle and he's gotta wait for couples counseling so the counselor can tell him wat to do.

And I'm honestly, at this point, so fuckin sick of it. Think for yourself and figure out a goddamn solution.

He told me he got me a neck pillow so it could help me sleep. I told him wtf are you talking about, neck pillows are for when you're sleeping upright like on a plane, not for just in general use?? The fuck??? Supposedly, per Google, you can use them at your desk or when you're sitting upright a lot but??? I don't think he knew that, honestly, and also I'm not getting on a plane anytime soon??

Plus the mystery candy he got me was fuckin orange flavor.

But watever. We ended up talking at 3 diff points. The final point I was just yelling at him. But I lit a fire under his ass, at least briefly. But did I need to? Should I hav? I could've let the whole thing fall apart. I should've let the whole thing fall apart. But I didn't.

At one point I told him that all I needed was an apology and for him to make plans, to take control and make plans, and he literally told me he didn't wanna do that. He just wanted to talk to the couples counselor. And then at the second point we were talking, I was like 'I'm about at a point of being done. I'm reaching done.' and he was like 'I feel like I'm at a point where I'm just throwing my hands up' and I mean. That just. So pathetic. SO pathetic tbh. Imo.

If you want it, fight for it, don't throw your goddamn hands up. I'm out here arguing, TELLING YOU how to at least get fuckin started on it, are you gonna DO anything or are you just gonna goddamn sit there? DO YOU WANT THIS RELATIONSHIP OR ARE YOU GONNA SIT IN BED CRYING ABOUT IT???

So that was the kind of stuff I started saying in the third interaction cuz I was not goin to bed w/ it not at a more settled point of either we were broken up or he was gonna work on makin it better. Because I'm done. And I was not gonna let it sit in limbo til we see the couples counselor. Wat does HE want. Wat is he FIGHTING FOR. Is he even gonna fuckin FIGHT???

What are we fighting for tho? I hav no idea at this point. Are we staying together? I hav no idea. Probably shouldn't. Probably shouldn't.

Ken just as a person disappoints me. As who he is, how he is. I knew that but now I Know That. And it just. I'm filled with such anger. With such frustration. With such.... it's just a lot of anger and frustration. Anger is a secondary emotion so the anger I think stems from how much I've lost myself, how delusional I've been that this could ever work, how I've lived in this wildly frustrating situation this long w/o doing anything prior to now to get out of it.

I'm upset w/ myself and I'm upset w/ Ken and I'm upset w/ the whole situation.

And it is Ridiculous how you can't sleep on the beach. Or camp in your car. Stupid. Ridiculous. I wouldn't want to sleep on the beach Anyway because I am a woman and Crimes Would Occur. But. Fuckin still. Stupid.

Cuz I wanna drive. And I could see the sunrise on the beach. And be back in time for couples counseling. But I need to sleep and I don't wanna pay for a place. So. Idk.

Plus I'm already tired so I really shouldn't.

I am getting angrier and angrier so I should probs do stuff to calm down more. Cuz goddamn. I am ANGRY. A N G R Y. FUCK.

I feel like I'm dating a bitch ass lil pussy boy and I hate it.

I want a MAN. Where can I find me a fuckin MAN???? One who I don't hav to tell every single fuckin thing to do???

[supersecretsideblog]

I am feeling calmer.

I deleted most of the texts I sent to Ken before he read them. Wat was the point? Wat's the point in being so upset? Wat will it change? Wat will it do?

Nothing. Ken did finally open my texts, not too long after I sent them, within a half hour. He said we'd talk about it when he gets back at 10. I honestly am not sure I'll still be here. I probably will be, but I do want to leave. Is that the fight or flight or just not wanting to deal w/ his bullshit? Not wanting to hear excuses that I don't care about?

Idk. I ate some, that was good, watched a Josh Johnson comedy thing, that was nice, and then built the knock-off birthday lego set I hav been holding onto for over a month at least. It was micro bricks and it turned out really cute I think, it's quite small and adorable w/ a bear on top :)

That and listening to my SIL playlist lol calmed me down a good bit. Probs also eating and some caffeine. And especially wat calmed me was finding out my certifications got reinstated. Thank fuckin god for that.

I feel much calmer about getting a job, which I will work on tomorrow. I feel much calmer about my future. So that is good.

Watever happens w/ Ken...... I honestly now think I'll be alright. I'll be ok. I was quite worried before, I wanted to get a job first. But I think even if I don't get one, it's gonna be fine. It's gonna be alright. Things could be much worse. And they aren't. They just are wat they are. And that is wat it is. And I think I'm doin alright honestly. I think I'm gonna be ok.

I am upset Ken didn't wanna come back and talk, probs good he didn't when I was feeling a lot, now I'm calmer. But also now I'm like... I processed it all w/o you... which means I processed how to go on w/o you. You coulda been here for it, discussed it, we could've shared that processing together. But no.

Maybe he needs time to plan, maybe he is coming up w/ some incredible way to make it up to me. But I don't think so. I think he's just over there sad and working on other stuff and mentally ignoring things as much as possible.

I think he will still ask me to plan my own birthday celebration. And I no longer wish to have a birthday celebration w/ him. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything to celebrate my bday w/ him. He had a chance, he had plenty of time. He didn't actually plan anything it feels like. Feels like all he did was want to take me to a restaurant I don't want to eat at, give me gifts that don't really seem like they're for me, write backhanded compliments in his card, and not even take care of the flowers he got for me.

I feel like I'm being ridiculously ungrateful, and I was in conflict before but I talked to Katie about a good bit of it and she thinks Ken is being v confusing and he could've planned much better, she doesn't understand wat he's doing and it doesn't seem like he's putting the effort in. Idk. So I feel more justified in it not being completely ungrateful but more like. Why are you doing all of this? Why is any of this even happening??

So idk. Idk! I'm in a way. BUT it is wat it is. Ken will come back. We'll talk, I guess. And we'll see wat all happens.

But if he doesn't hav anything actually decent planned. There's no point in planning anything at all. There's no point in doing anything at all. And pretty much.... this is over. Pretty much this is done. I am done. I feel done.

I am incredibly sad. But ultimately I think things will be fine. I will be fine. Zale will be fine. He and I will be ok after this. He will be sad. I will be sad. But ultimately, we will be fine.

I think I'm gonna hav a bit more food and watch something lighter and try to hold onto this calmness as much as I can til Ken gets here. No point in getting wildly sad yet. Hold onto the calm til it's time to be sad again. Which will probably be after Ken tells me he just isn't able to meet my needs no matter wat and that's the end of it.

So we'll see

[supersecretsideblog]

I am still depressed and upset and generally unhappy.

But I got more sleep, still need to eat, and I got some good news about my Salesforce certifications :D They reinstated them!!! ALL OF THEM!! I was really thinking they wouldn't do the App Builder one and I was ok to let that go, I really just needed the Salesforce Admin certs, but I got them AND the App Builder one :D :D :D

So that's incredible, that means I just need to finish up my resume and then start applying :D :D :D Oh my god I'm so excited!!!! I am so happy!!!

At least about that lmao. I am still pissed at Ken. I am upset even at Katie because they both got me a lot of candy for my birthday? Katie got it as snacks for the long car rides tho, so that feels fair. I'm just really upset Ken didn't get me anything I actually wanted? Why no legos?? Why a neck pillow?? Are we planning a plane ride in the near future because I'm really not????

I just feel like Ken doesn't understand me at all. I feel unknown to him, and most ppl at this point honestly. And honestly not to be like 'he used to spend hundreds of dollars on me no problem' but he literally probably spent $75 max? It feels cheap and last minute and upsetting. And maybe that's wat I did for his birthday, I'm not sure. Wat did I get him for his birthday? I do not know. It was just a few months ago, I think I was late w/ the gift or the anniversary gift or something? Idk? Even still. I think I made up for it. Gift giving is a high up love language for me. And I'm usually pretty good at it.

So maybe I'm just putting my standards at that place but also. If it's such a high up standard for me... idk. Idk! I'm just. Upset.

I'm very wildly upset and pretty sure at this point Ken and I are not actually gonna celebrate my birthday at any point because at this point it feels like a burden to. And I'm just. Really mad. Honestly. Really fuckin fuming about it.

But I'm just gonna try to let it roll off because. Well. Honestly at this point, maybe I won't. Maybe I won't let it roll off. I just. I am so upset.

I'm sick of saying 'he's trying :')' like. I want it to be He Accomplished. I want it to be 'he succeeded'. When do I get to say that? When do I ever get to say that?

What does Ken even do? Besides the dishes? And making me feel insane???

I texted him a long thing to say I was upset. I shouldn't hav done that. But oh well. I AM upset. It feels like lying to act otherwise.

I am so deeply upset by this entire situation.

Ok, I've stopped crying enough for now. How completely painful of him. His intentions were good. But. I am so deeply upset. So painfully upset. I do not know how to recover from this tbh. I just. I don't.

I don't want my birthday to be a big deal but honestly I just want someone to recognize that I DO want it to be a big deal and to just. For a day, do things for me, and to feel special and taken care of and like I don't need to think. I want a day where I don't hav to fuckin plan it myself.

I want a day where they planned everything and we go do the things and it's fun and feels lovey and happy. I just. Thursday was nice w/ Ken but he didn't plan it out properly at all and I had ot take the reins on things a good bit and it just. His initial plans didn't feel like they were for me. I just. Felt and feel so upset. I just am so completely upset.

Ken opened the first part of my text as I was typing but since has not opened the rest. It starts w/ 'I am deeply upset w/ you' and so just reading that was enough for him not to read the rest of it yet. It's been 10 mins, he's not opened it. I get it tho. He's working. I'm not trying to fuck up his work day. I just don't wanna lie about it. I don't wanna be absolutely sobbing and thinking it's over when he has no idea and is living life over there unaware. But idk.

I wish things were different. I really wish things were different.

I have a few things I wanna do today. I wanna go get a lego set. Though I might not. It's expensive and I don't need to spend the money and yeah. It's fine. I don't need to spend the money. I don't need to go anywhere I guess. Maybe I will anyway. Idk. I just. Feel so upset.

I need to eat something. I think that'll help. I haven't eaten in 24 hours so that's probs not helping w/ feeling so upset. I hav a lil lego birthday cake I can build so I think I'll build that. Maybe watch some tv. And just rest. I need to rest. I need to do some tidying, but I think for now I'll just try to rest.

He's still not opened it, 16 mins later. He probs wants to stay focused on work. He'll open it later. I guess. Idk. I wish this wasn't like this. But it is. And that's just... wat it is