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[supertoleranthealer-blog]

#FriendsMemories

This hashtag trended worldwide on Twtter last night (okay, not last night... I started doing this post the next day after it trended but wasn't able to post it immediately blah blah blah, whatever) and it was one of the best moments of my life. Lol. Maybe I'm over reacting but it just amuses me how an 18-year old-television series which has been off the air (well, not really because of the re-runs) for eaight years still affect people all over the world this much.

I had lots of memories last night but it was two in the morning and I was supposed to be up before five so I couldn't tweet all of them. So I'm putting all of them here. Now.

THE BEST GUEST STARS

Christina Applegate (Amy Green) - She needs to be on top of my list because she really was the most awesome guest star ever. I feel bad that she only got two episodes because those epesodes were two of the best ones ever.

Reese Witherspoon (Jill Green) - I don't know if this has something to do with her being another Green sister but she was so funny when she guest-starred. It would've been awesome if there was an episode with both of her and Applegate.

Brad Pitt (Will) - God, he used to be so hot. Haha. It was cute that his character's name was Will because some said that this was how Jen addressed him while they were still married. Funny how his character hated Rachel Green so much when everyone knew how madly in-love Brad and Jen were with each other that time. Ahhh, good times.

Julia Roberts (Susie Moss) - Well, who would've thought that the biggest movie star (that time) would waaaaant to appear on Friends? And it was well-done since she appeared on the most watched episode of the show ever. She was too adorable even if her character humiliated Chandler. :D

Bruce Willis (Paul Stevens) - Who knew Bruce Willis had such a funny bone in him? Gaaah when he started crying and crying and crying, it was so annoyingly funny. And don't even get me started with the mirror scene!

They've had lots of guest stars but I'd only mention my top five since there wouldn't be much space if I put everything in here. Haha.

THE BEST LINES

"I got off the plane."

"How you doin'?"

"They don't know that we know they know we know!"

"Hi, I'm Chandler! Could I BE wearing any more clothes?!"

"Y-O-U apostrophe R means you are, Y-O-U-R means YOUR!!"

"How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow?!"

"Easy for you to say I don't see three babies coming out of your vagina."

"OH... MY... GAWD!!"

"I KNOW!!"

THIS THING IS ROTTING ON MY DRAFTS. JUST HAVE TO POST THIS. LOL.

[supertoleranthealer-blog]

After A Hiatus

After a long time of postponing this, I finaly decided to give it a go

I feel like there's been

Too many emotions but I don't know how to express them :(

[supertoleranthealer-blog]

The Return

Funny how I remember to be here only when I feel either happy or not. This time, guess what? I'm the latter. Yeah. Oh well. What again, this time?

I feel awful. I'm jealous all the time, constantly waiting for a text that I know would never come, always getting disappointed with the way things turn out. And yet surprisingly, this is not because of a boyfriend or what. It's because of a friend whom I've became so attached to for more than four months now.

We've been friends for two years but it's only recently that I've actually allowed myself to feel the one thing I wished I'd never go through again, get way too attached. I've let my guard down because if I didn't I knew I was gonna lose her and that's not something I would ever forgive myself for. Now, I don't really know if I've made the right decision or what.

It's frustrating. It stresses me out a lot. It's a big pain in the ass.

But I can't let go. Because I love her way too much. And it sucks big time because I don't know if she feels the same way. :/

[supertoleranthealer-blog]

82

                Thursday, kakatapos lang ng MS quiz. Papunta ako sa John Allen’s with Myka, Shara, Cha, Paul, Chona, Gotel, and Yogi para mag-lunch. Sobrang hirap nung MS quiz! Ayan, tuloy natakot na akong pumasok sa Fin.Acc kase ibabalik yung results ng quiz 2 namin dun. Ayoko na sanang lalo masira ang araw ko. Pero syempre hindi naman pwede na basta-basta na lang um-absent lalo na’t Sir Volf pa yun. :”> Haha. Ang landi lang.

                So yun nga after ng lunch pumasok na ako. 12:10 siguro yun nung dumating si Sir and true enough, may hawak na nga siyang mga test papers. Wagas yung kaba ko eh. Pero hindi pwedeng ipahalata. Casual lang dapat. Haha. May sinulat muna siya sa board tapos salita-salita ng onti. Umpisa niya, mas maganda daw yung results ng Fin.Acc 2 quiz kesa MS 2 quiz. May mga nka-line of 4 pa daw. Edi lalo pa kong kinabahan. Epal toh si Sir eh. Pero mahal ko naman kaya keri lang. Haha.

                Nung ibibigay na nya, pansin ko may parang isang set ng papel syang hawak na nahiwalay sa iba. Ang akala ko yun lang yung mga pumasa edi nadagdagan lalo yung kaba ko kase ang onti nung hawak nya. Nawalan na ko ng pag-asang pumasa ko sa quiz 2. Tas bigla nyang sabi na i-aannounce daw muna niya yung mga nka-line of 8. Yun pala yung hawak niya! Edi hindi ko naman na in-expect na kasama ako dun kaya nagsulat-sulat na lang ako dun habang iniisa-isa niyang binabalik yung mga papel ng nka-line of 8.

                Nag-start ata sa 80 tas mej madaming nka-80.5. Tas maya-maya nung 82 na, bigla niyang sabi “Jennifer De Vera.” OMG yung saya ko nun. Hindi talaga ako makapaniwala. As in akala ko talaga bagsak ako dun. So ayun tumayo ako para kunin yung papel ko, kunwari normal lang pero deep inside me nagkakagulo na yung mga lamang-loob ko. Hahaha! Tas pagkaabot niya sa’kin nung papel ko sabi niya, “Kakanta ka ulit?” Ayun, nahaluan pa ng kilig yung saya ko. Wala na. Namatay na ako. Haha!

                So ayun lang naman ang sense ng pag-blog ko ngayon na matagal ko ng hindi nagagawa. Kase sobrang saya ng pakiramdam na naka-line of 8 ako sa Fin.Acc. Nasa checklist ko yun eh. Akala ko naman after prelims ko pa yun maa-achieve kung maa-achieve ko man. Pero napaaga. Sobrang sarap sa pakiramdam na nagawa ko yun. Takte kaya ko naman pala, bakit hindi ko pa gnawa nun? Haha. Dahil dyan, lalo ako na-inspre na galingan sa Fin.Acc. Papatunayan kong kaya ko. I can do this! J

THANK YOU LORD. I LOVE YOU! J

[supertoleranthealer-blog]

Failure

She just graduated and she graduated Cum Laude. I used to be better than her. But now, I'm not even graduating on time.

You know what, I should be happy for her. She's one of my best friends for crying out loud.

But this just reminded me of how I've been such a fucking failure for the last two years. It was all my fault, really. There are a lot of things I shouldn't have done, but did. And definitely should've done but didn't. I screwed things up big time. I looked at them like they didn't matter. And there's no way I can take all that back now. Because every freakin' mistake that I've done are suddenly coming back to bite me in the ass.

I feel terrible. I failed. And I don't think I'm doing anything to make up for it. I'm just making it worse. I shouldn't be allowed to walk this planet anymore.

She graduated Cum Laude. She deserves all the award. Hey, I'm not being sarcastic. She did a great job. How I wish I was more like her. But no. Because she's not a failure. And I am.

[supertoleranthealer-blog]

Sembreak

Fourth Year First Semester is over.

I should be jumping up and down because I've gone through another semester. I should be celebrating because here's the time to do anything I want. But no. I don't have time to feel relieved.

Because the end of the semester means the beginning of the stressful anticipation. The nerve-wracking waiting for the results of everything you did for the last four months. Well, that is if you did anything.

It never gets any easier. Every day that passes by just add up to the tension you're feeling...  the fear of losing all the things you've worked for.

But what's left to do? You've had the chance to do your best to get the outcome that you want. There's no turning back to change things you think you didn't do right.

So just hope that you've done you're part.

And hope harder that it's enough.

"They never said it would be easy. They just said it would be worth it."

[supertoleranthealer-blog]

Take Me Back

I think I've barely spoken 20 words today. I don't want to talk to anyone. I really don't know what this depression is doing to me.

Naaaah, jk. Depression is a bit of an overstatement.

Seriously though, I don't know what's going on with me but I've never felt this down in a really long time now. It's like I've never done anything right and no one, not even any family member or my closest friends, thinks I'm worthy enough of whatever it is that I have or want to have.

I feel like I'm the ugliest person there is. Well, not of everyone in this world but of everyone I know.

I feel like I'm getting more stupid by the minute and there is nothing that I can ever do about it. No matter how hard I try, I will always be that loser who has a lighter load than everyone else and still NOT manage to pass all her courses.

I feel like there's no one who cares whether I'm okay or not... who'll willingly be there even if I beg them to (not that I will, to be honest)... who'll give a fuck no matter what happens to me.

This is just the most ridiculous feeling I have ever felt in a long time and I don't know how to stop it. I feel like the only one who can help me now is God but I don't even feel connected to Him anymore and it just makes me feel even worse. And it scares me.

Because I may be more detached from the real world than I ever was. And in the world that I am in now, I'm all alone. And I've been waiting for someone to pull me back to the world where I should be but I feel like there's no one, not a single soul, who cares enough to do just that.

I can't even. I just. There's not enough words. None good enough to explain what I'm feeling right now. Seriously. I can't even.

[supertoleranthealer-blog]

Unspeakable Thoughts

Just when I thought it would make me feel better.

But now I'm more frustrated than ever. I don't even know why. Maybe because I over think things. Too much actually, it's starting to take it's toll on me. It's starting to annoy the hell out of me. How I wish I could just stop thinking even just for a fucking while. I wanna stop thinking. I wanna stop caring. I just NEED to. Or else I swear I'm just gonna lose it.

How do you do that anyways? It's not like there's a formula to follow or something. I wish there was. Then my life would be a whole lot more bearable. But no. Life wasn't made that way. It isn't supposed to be easy. Nothing ever was. Nothing ever is. Nothing will ever be. When can I ever accept that?

Or maybe I have. I can't just bring myself to grasp the thought of it. That all my life there is never going to be one thing that'll be easy for me to have or to do. Okay. That's not really acceptance, is it? See? I told you I over think things.

And what the hell am I doing here, for real? Right. I was hoping I could stop caring. I was hoping that writing it here would help. I was hoping that doing this would make me feel better.

Ugh. Too much hoping. Like that would help. FML. Really.

[supertoleranthealer-blog]

Dance With My Father

Yung eksenang may nagtanong sa'kin kung nakita ko pa 'yung tatay ko bago siya namatay... when in fact my father is still very much alive. Or so I think.

I don't really know what to feel. Or even if I'm allowed to feel anything. For all I care, he could be dead and maybe, just maybe, I still wouldn't feel anything. Not that I hate him. I don't. I just don't care anymore. Because he hasn't been a father to me in a really looooong time.

And not that he chose that. think my mother chose it for him. I can't blame her, though. It's still his fault no matter how remorseful he is now for what he's done. For Pete's sake, I don't even know if he's done anything wrong. But what the hell, he isn't here. I may as well just think he's done the worst thing a father and a husband can ever do that's why my mother hates him so much.

Hay, bat ko ba bigla tong pinagsasabi, makaligo na nga.

(when suddenly someone came inside the room with her phone playing the song Dance With My Father. W.O.W)

[supertoleranthealer-blog]

1 AM

Ilang minuto na yata kong nakatitig dito. Nag-iisp kung panu ba dapt umpisahan. Kung panong magkakaron ng impact tong post na toh. When I realize, no one else would bother to read this crap so why waste time thinking how to make it perfect when all I need to do is pour my heart out and start acting like this is gonna relieve me of what has been bothering me for quite some time now.

So.

Medyo emo-emo ng onti kase naalala ko yung time na pumunta kami sa Subic para sa kasal ng ate ko. Wagas yung kaba ko nung nasa byahe kami papunta dun eh. Kase sobrang tagal ko na silang hindi nakikita. HIndi ko na alam yung pakiramdam na makausap ulit sila na nasa tamang edad na ko para malaman kung ano talga yung totoong kaso. Kung pwede lang mag-back out at bumalik na lang ulit sa bahay nun, ginawa ko eh.

But no. There was no turning back. I was going to see all of them again.

Pagdating dun, wala yung mga taong nagmamatter talaga. Yung mga gustung-gusto ko na makita pero at the same time, kinakatakutan ko ding makaharap ulit. That was quite a relief to be honest. I wasn't ready to see them again, yet. So yung mga andun na lang ang mga nakausap ko. As I expected, they didn't immediately recognize me. I didn't blame them. I think the last time I saw them before that time was when I was still in high school. Kahit ako nga di ko na kilala yung iba sa kanila eh.

And as usual, nagkulong lang ako sa kwarto because I didn't know how to face them. Pero it couldn't stay that way. They had to arrive some time, didn't they?

Pagdating nila, syempre busy2 kase nga kasal kelangang asikasuhin mga bisita. I don't really remember how it all went but this is one thing I won't ever forget. The way SHE hugged me when SHE saw me. The way HER eyes lit up as if it was the happiest SHE's been in a long time. They way I freaked out because I really thought SHE'd start crying (thank God SHE didn't.)

That, I think, was how SHE felt. But how did I feel? Until now, I still haven't found the answer to that.

Then, I also met my Ate's son. He's the most adorable kid ever. I remember thinking what if he didn't like me? Or if he didn't even bother to care? I was wrong. Because he's like the sweetest lil boy I have ever met and we bonded immediately. God, how I miss him.

Then there was also HER. Nagmano ako. She was like, "Yeah, God bless you" and all and she didn't care. Because she didn't recognize me. At all. Until someone told her, "Si Jennifer po yan!" Apparently, they were all looking at us that time. So then, she knew who I was and that's when she hugged me and I'm pretty sure she almost welled up. I wanted to hug her back. To make her feel that I was happy to see her again, too. But no. I stood just stood there, smiling like an idiot, but didn't hug back. What an ass.

And there was also my ate, of course. If only I can express how happy I was for her that day. How proud I was that she finally found the love of her life. Even though I don't admit it, I know that she's the most important person in my life right now. Probably next to Mama. And I love her SO, So much there are not enough words to express it.

Time passed and we all bonded. It was so much fun seeing all of them again. There was this person, who used to be my favorite person there when I was younger... we were all sitting around the dining table. Her brother was there, too and he suddenly asked me. "Hindi mo na cguro ko kilala noh?" Ako naman, shy as always, answered quite softly, "Kilala po. Kuya Makoy." "Ah, kilala pa pala." Then si "favorite" ko naman na, "Eh ako, kilala mo pa?" Tumango lang ako and said, "Ate Ivy." But deep inside me, I was shouting "Pano kita makakalimutan eh super favorite kita nuon?!"

Tapos nung nagkakayayaan na silang uminom, nasabi bigla ni Ate Diane, "Si Per, umiinom na yan!" And then SHE answered, "Talaga?!" And SHE hugged me again and she was really happy. Like she was so proud I was all grown up. My heart wanted to explode that moment. I didn't know why. But I knew I felt like it was one of the best moments of my life.

So yun madami pang naganap, nag-inuman nga kami and my Ate was kind of surprised na umiinom na 'ko. And she was worrying whether they were letting me drink too much. Dalawang Tanduay Ice lang yun. Kung alam lang nilang nkaka-limang bote ako ng Red Horse. Haha.

Tas dumatin na ang kinaumagahan, when we had to go back to Manila. I dreaded that time because I didn't know how they'd react. How I'd react. And I was right to be afraid for that moment to come because the moment I got in the car, I wanted to start crying. Gusto kong lumabas ulit ng kotse at sabihin sa lahat na gusto ko dun na tumira. Na ayaw ko na sila iwan ulit. Na gusto ko sila na lang kasama ko hanggan sa tumanda na't lahat-lahat. I wanted to hug him and her and him and her. I wanted to tell them I wanted to be part of their family. I wanted to be the daughter and sister they should've had.

But then, I though of home and I knew home was where my MOTHER was. Nasa QC sya, naghihintay na dumating kami. Yung nanay ko na nagpalaki sakin. Na naghirap para maging ako toh ngayon. Sya yung pamilya ko. Not anyone else. And it hurts because even if that was true, I'm still hoping that it wasn't. And I know it's unfair. Unfair to the person who has spent almost all her life to take care of me. Unfair because it seemed like I was thinking she wasn't enough.

It was one of the most painful moments of my life, leaving that place and knowing it would again take me years before I can go back there. Why does it have to be this way? I should be happy right? I have lots of people who love me the way they do. But why do I feel like this thing in my life is a curse? Like I shouldn't be suffering from it? Like I didn't ever deserve to have a life like this? Why do I feel like this isn't the life that I want?

[supertoleranthealer-blog]

That moment when...

you realize that you'll never understand.

someone you love takes you for granted.

you start blaming other people for your own mistakes.

everyone turns his/her back on you.

you accept that you'll never learn to let go.

there's no one else who cares.

you find out you'll never get over it.

nothing feels right.

you know there's no turning back.

everything goes wrong.

you know your life's fucked up.

none of them stays.

YOU REALIZE IT's OVER.

THAT MOMENT WHEN I REALIZE EVERY SINGLE THING ABOVE APPLIES TO ME.

[supertoleranthealer-blog]

Memories, Y U BUG ME TONIGHT?!

I was having some fun conversation with a friend earlier tonight when all of a sudden all these feelings from the past come rushing back to me like a flowing river with no way of ever stopping. Okay. That was just the corniest metaphor I have ever used in my entire life. LOL.

1. Like how I kept forcing everyone to call me "J" just because of this novel I had just read which had the main characters being called by the first letter of their names. Some let me force them into doing it but they eventually went back to calling me "Jen" or "Feni" or "Bev". I know that was a bit immature (just thinking about it now) and a bit pathetic.

-- edited --

So I saw this thing on my drafts and I wanted to continue it. But here's a funny thing, I suddenly do not remember anything  worth writing up there. Guess you have to be "in the moment" to be able to write about these stuff, huh.

Well, just coz I'm crazy, I'm gonna post this one and just edit it again if ever something comes up. :D

[supertoleranthealer-blog]

FML

I am just so freakin' tired of people thinking like I have the easiest life on earth.

Hindi porket apat lang course ko ngayon eh mas mahirap na buhay niyo kesa sa'kin. Gagraduate na kayo in a few months. I still have more than two fuckin' years before I can graduate. Which is not even a hundred percent sure. Good grief, if only you'd understand what I'm going through right now. Not that you aren't going through a lot yourself. And not that I'm suffering worse things than you are.

But please.  Stop rubbing in my face that I ONLY HAVE FOUR FREAKING COURSES TO TAKE CARE OF THIS SEMESTER. Stop telling me that I'm lucky this is the case. Stop making me feel like I don't deserve to get tired.

Coz I have never been this tired all my life. Maybe not physically. But emotionally. And there's nothing that can ease that because I have no one to talk to. Not even a single soul to confide about what' going on with my life right now.

Because you are all fucking busy with your eight courses.

FUCK. MY. LIFE.

[supertoleranthealer-blog]

Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux

I woke up today feeling like it was gonna be a normal day. I was wrong.

After more than a year of dating, my OTP is finally engaged! And on Justin's birthday! I was at a public place when I found out about this and I couldn't be more frustrated. Not about the fact that they're engaged but about the fact that I couldn't scream and jump up and down with overjoy. I wasn't expecting this and it was just literally one of the best feelings in the world.

I don't know these two personally. I never will. But who cares? They're my one true pairing and as of now they make each other happy. Who am I to judge that?

"Justin Theroux had an amazing birthday on Friday, receiving an extraordinary gift when his girlfriend, Jennifer Aniston, accepeted his proposal of marriage."

There's not even enough words to express how happy I am right now. ;) 

[supertoleranthealer-blog]

o8.o7.12

Today may just be one of the worst days in the history of the Philippines.

Okay not really worst than most days but it certainly was one no Filipino can ever forget in their lifetime... and not in a good way.

Rain has been pouring non-stop for more than 24hours. 90% of Metro Manila has been flooded and a number of people have died due to the flood, some landslides and even electric circuit. It's no doubt a very scary and sad day for the whole country.

But what's good about this day is that all Filipinos proved to the world how they can go through this together. Each has no doubt lent a hand to every one who needed it, and no questions asked. Everyone has been unified. And that's a lot for a country which had been through so many things but stayed together for each and every tragedy it had gone through.

And the most important thing of all is that all of us continued to hold on to God and believed that no matter what happens, HE will always be there for us.

[supertoleranthealer-blog]

Bad Day

How badly this day is turning out to be.

So kamusta naman yung napaka-walang kwenta na yata ng araw na toh?! Una, muntik na 'ko ma-late sa Law. Yung struggle ko sa paglalakad knina para lang umabot on time, wagas. Tapos sa dinami-rami ng araw na pwede kong makalimutan ballpen ko, ngayon pa! Ngayon na late ako, ngayon na may exam kami. Ang sarap lang batukan yung sarili.

Pero to defend myself naman, hindi ako late dahil sa kapabayaan ko. Yung usual na oras ng pagpasok ko yun naman yun, sobrang traffic nga lang talaga sa Espanya. Natanga lang talaga ko sa ballpe. Thank God for Jelene's pen.

So ayun, the next few hours okay naman. Nasira lang ulit nung time na ni Sir Clifford. Lintik na prof talaga yun. Dakilang bipolar. Hindi daw niya pinagpipilitan yung course nya pero kung mka-react nakakairita.

Tapos the worst part just happened. I wasn't supposed to write anything today. It was supposed to be just like any other day, imperfect but easy to just forget. But no.

"Ilang taon pa mahihirapan ang mama mo."

That was my Aunt's reaction when she found out na tatlong taon pa 'ko sa college. As if that wasn't obvious enough to me. If only she knew how much I'm beating myself up for the mistakes I've done in the past to suffer this fucking mess...

But as much as I hate to admit it, tama naman siya eh. Ang sakit lang masabi mismo sa pagmumukha ko nung katotohanang hindi ko ma-admit sa sarili ko. Na nahihirapan ako sa sitwasyon ko. Pero mas nahihirapan/mahihirapan siguro si Mama. Kung hindi ba naman ako naging pabaya.

Ugh. Fuck this shit. If only there was a way out.

[supertoleranthealer-blog]

Dahil Uso sa Twitter Ngayon... QCAian ka kung...

alas sais ng umaga pasok mo.

halos kasing-laki na ng notebook mo yung ID mo.

nagffreak-out ka na pagkarinig mo pa lang ng "On the board!"

dpat malapit sa pintuan yung Mayor.

dpat magkatabi Mayor at Secretary.

may binubugang tubig yung electric fan niyo sa roofdeck.

alam mo kung ano yung Type C na uniform.

hindi ka pwedeng lumabas pag walang pirma yung Manual Notebook mo.

nakaranas ka na ng Lakdat-Kalikasan.

wagas magpa-CECA yung nasa first section.

kilala mo si Sister Claire.

sinasabi mo ang "Mabuhay!" after every greeting.

nakarinig ka na ng mala-nobelang speech ni Mr. Ongoco.

ang aga2 mag-start ng SY pero maaga din naman natatapos.

mahal mo Sina Ma'am Balgoma, Ma'am Balneg at Ma'am Valderama.

...

I can go on and on and on and on. But the purpose of this post?!

There's no other school like QCA and I'm proud to be a QCAian from the very bottom of my heart. ;'>