survivingasexuality

[survivingasexuality]

Hey everybody. Sorry about the long pause, I’ve been really busy, but I just wanted to make this post.

It’s Pride Month, and Pride Month is for all Aspecs. 

If you fit anywhere under the aspec umbrella, this month is yours to celebrate. This month is for you to be proud of who you are, to connect with other community members, and to celebrate yourself.  

Pride Month is about community, solidarity, and support. Link up with your fellow aspecs, your fellow LGBTQIA+, Queer, and MOGAI friends. Support each other. Validate each other. Protect each other. 

Block everyone who tries to tell you that this month is not for you. It absolutely is, and absolutely always will be. 

[survivingasexuality]

It has begun.

[survivingasexuality]

Happy Asexual Awareness Week~!

Hello my lovelies. I hope you’re all having a good week. 

It’s Asexual Awareness Week, so I hope you guys are finding some solidarity and friends that share your identity and your experiences. Do your best to stay away from discourse, and instead indulge yourself in things that you enjoy. Perhaps think about finding yourself some sweet Ace merch if you can. 

I know I’ve been a bit absent from this blog, but I just wanted to pop in and let y’all know that you are loved, valid, and deserve the world. 

[survivingasexuality]

Coming Out Day

Hey, I know I’ve been absent from this blog for a while (things have been ludicrous for me) but I just want to say Happy National Coming Out Day!

This day is for you if you’re aspec in any way. I know a lot of people will tell you that this day isn’t for you, but it is. 

If you’re planning to come out to friends or family today, I wish you the best of luck and commend you for being so brave. I wish you luck on explaining our lesser known identity to people who may not know about aromanticism or asexuality yet.

And if you’re not ready, or you’re not safe to do so, there is no shame in not coming out. Your safety is of the utmost importance, and you don’t need to put yourself in danger to be more “valid”. 

Stay safe out there. Love you guys! 

[survivingasexuality]

Hey, my lovely aspecs. It’s been a while, but I just want to pop in and say a thing. 

I’d like you to do something for me. Practice saying these sentences.

“The validity of my identity is not up for debate.” “My place in the LGBT/Queer community is not up for debate.” “My personal experiences are not up for debate.” These three sentences are all you need to respond to aphobes. Remember that they are a loud minority. Remember that LGBTQIA+ organizations already accept you. Remember that a majority of LGBTQIA+ people don’t partake in “ace discourse” because there is nothing to argue. 

“The validity of my identity is not up for debate.” “My place in the LGBT/Queer community is not up for debate.” “My personal experiences are not up for debate.”

[survivingasexuality]

[Image: Two pastel rainbow color blocks with white text that read “happy pride to all asexuals / happy pride to all aromantics”]

[survivingasexuality]

An Awesome Ace

If you just want to identify as ace, go ahead! Asexuality is just as valid as the rest of the LGBT+ orientations and if you don’t want to use the split attraction model, you absolutely do not have to if you don’t want to. 

Please no reposting

[survivingasexuality]

Happy Pride Month to all my arospec friends in loving and fulfilling QPRs. Your relationships are valid and wonderful, and you deserve love in the ways that fit you best. <3

Happy Pride Month to all my arospec friends who are single and ready to mingle. Be safe out there, you’ll find someone who clicks just perfectly one day.<3

Happy Pride Month to all my arospec friends who are single and loving it. There’s nothing wrong with being completely uninterested in relationships with other people -- your relationship with yourself is just as important. <3

Happy Pride Month to all my polyamorous arospec friends who are in many different relationships. I hope that you’re all happy and comfortable, and that your relationships last for as long as you desire. <3

Happy Pride Month of all my arospec friends who aren’t out yet, who are struggling with their arospec identities, who aren’t quite sure yet, who are too afraid to claim their label(s). Whatever you decide, however you need to keep yourself safe, this month is still for you even if you have to make yourself invisible. <3

Happy Pride Month to all my arospec friends. I know it’s easy to feel forgotten. But I see you, and I love you, and I’m hoping that you’re celebrating yourself this month! <3

[survivingasexuality]

Hey everybody. Sorry about the long pause, I’ve been really busy, but I just wanted to make this post.

It’s Pride Month, and Pride Month is for all Aspecs. 

If you fit anywhere under the aspec umbrella, this month is yours to celebrate. This month is for you to be proud of who you are, to connect with other community members, and to celebrate yourself.  

Pride Month is about community, solidarity, and support. Link up with your fellow aspecs, your fellow LGBTQIA+, Queer, and MOGAI friends. Support each other. Validate each other. Protect each other. 

Block everyone who tries to tell you that this month is not for you. It absolutely is, and absolutely always will be. 

[survivingasexuality]

“The aspec community is a homophobic community.”

This is a big topic in discourse and a lot of us have been arguing against that idea. But, at the end of the day...it is true.

Because literally every community that has a diverse range of people in it? Is going to be a homophobic community. 

Even gay communities have homophobic people in them. 

Literally every community that exists is going to have people in it that are homophobic, purposefully or not. Every single one of us, even those of us privileged enough to grow up in more liberal, accepting areas, are steeped in homophobic messages from the moment we become aware of our surroundings. It is impossible, absolutely impossible, to avoid absorbing some of these messages. 

That does not make any of us bad people. It certainly doesn’t reflect poorly on us in relation to our identities. 

Aspec people can be homophobic because we’re taught to be homophobic just like everyone else. The same goes for transphobia, Intersexism, racism, misogyny, ableism -- literally every form of bigotry. We are taught to behave poorly towards those who are different and those we don’t understand. We are taught to punch down. 

But being aspec does not inherently make you a homophobe, or any sort of bigot. Your identity is not inherently an act of bigotry, and you are not a bigot just by existing. The only way to be a bigot is to hurt people, know it, and continue to do so with complete disregard. 

If you listen, if you acknowledge your mistakes, if you take steps to make sure you aren’t punching down or laterally, if you do your best to unlearn all the harmful messages that have been shoved at you since birth...you are a person doing their best to learn, grow, and change. Which is all any of us can be asked to do. To try. 

So yeah. Sure. The aspec community is guilty of homophobia. But so is every other community. We are not uniquely guilty, nor are we inherently bigoted because we’re aspec. 

Take some comfort in knowing that you’re only as guilty as everyone else, and that so long as you’re taking steps to unlearn your bigotry, then you’re doing what’s necessary to better yourself. And your communities, by extension. 

[survivingasexuality]

Call me terrible, but aces who like and seek out sex make me, a sex repulsed ace, feel invalid. They are almost no different from anyone else, yet they ace like they're so ace. How can their asexuality be so important if it hides under how they're "normal"? Why are we so protective of these aces when they're at best almost allos(I don't mean to insult allos in any way), or at worst exclusionists? It just appalls me how we act like they're hated when really, they're treated so normally.

I really debated just deleting this and blocking the sender because it is so utterly antithetical to everything this blog stands for, but I think it needs to be addressed, because attitudes like this are a warning sign to me that history may be poised to repeat itself, and that will happen over my dead body.I’ve been around a long time. Like, before tumblr, before AVEN, before aces had anything like the community we have today, before we even had a consistent word for ourselves. That means I remember some of the early politics that Kids These Days weren’t around for, have no way of really knowing–including the downright ugly fights that dominated the mailing list days about how to define asexuality. There was a contingent of people, you see, that held that the only way to be Truly Asexual was to completely lack any sort of libido, and to abstain from sex entirely. These people were. Not nice people. They were the exclusionists of their time, and I mean that very seriously. Nearly every hateful, cruel, and self-spiting tactic you see in REGs on tumblr today was also levied by nonlibidoists and antisexuals at the time. They were absolutely vicious toward not only anybody within ace circles who wanted a broader definition of asexuality [the one we use today, eventually] but also toward non-aces or anyone who wasn’t celibate by choice, which resulted, among other things, in exactly the sort of homophobia and sex shaming that REGs accuse us of to this day.We, as a community, fought tooth and nail against defining ourselves in this way, and against both the ugly infighting it produced and the abhorrent behaviour it encouraged. We have been fighting tooth and nail ever since to move past that stain on our history, to define ourselves in a way that is safe and welcoming to all aces, and to ensure that we conduct ourselves in a way that aligns with the ethics of the communities we ally ourselves with, and to what we have decided is the ethical core of our own community. It sickens me to the core to be hearing views like this espoused again from inside our community. I will not stand for it. We will not stand for it. We didn’t then, and we won’t now. There is no right way to be asexual. There is no wrong way to be asexual. There is nothing at all wrong with aces who have, want, or seek out sex. There is nothing wrong with aces who are so repulsed by sex that they can’t even think about it. There is nothing wrong with aces who have no feelings about sex whatsoever. There is nothing wrong with aces who never have or will feel attraction. There is nothing wrong with aces who do occasionally feel attraction but still feel that ace identities best represent their experiences or that the ace community best addresses their needs. Asexuality is not behaviour. Asexuality cannot be hidden under behaviour, or opted out of through behaviour, and if some people feel like they need to try to do that, that is a reflection of an aphobic society pressuring people into closeting or otherwise denying themselves in an attempt to escape that oppression, not proof that they’re “normal” [also, feel free to never juxtapose “ace” and “normal” again, that’s gross].And, finally, this frankly drips of exactly the kind of sex-shaming we’re so often accused of, no matter how hard you try to hide it behind “no insult to allos.” It’s gross. Don’t do it. This is one of the most unsavoury asks I have seen in my time on this blog. Everything about this sentiment is unwelcome on this blog; keep it out of our inbox and keep it out of our community. Our gates are open. Our arms are open. Every ace is welcome, every ace is valid, every ace experience is a genuine ace experience, one worthy of consideration, protection, and acknowledgement. We have worked hard to build this community into what it is today. The gatekeepers of the past removed themselves from the rest of us and faded into oblivion and that is where I want their sentiments to stay.I’m not going to call you terrible, because I stand for a community where every ace is welcome and finds the resources they need to navigate their life and identity. But that cannot, will not, come at the expense of others.-Dew

[survivingasexuality]

To all those Demiromantics and Demisexuals out there:

Your identity isn’t a modifier, unless you actively choose it identify it that way. Your identity is yours and only you can choose how it should be described, how it works, and how it applies to you. 

Being Demi can be kind of weird. It’s like an in-between place of being allo and aspec. Some of us don’t feel sexual or romantic attraction ever, some of us feel strange flutterings of it, some of us are punched in the face by it once in a blue moon.

Regardless of your relationship to romantic or sexual attraction, your choice to identify as demi is a valid one that is deserving of respect. Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise, who tries to tell you that you should “just identify as bi or pan” or that your identity is just a “modifier”, isn’t worth your time and does not respect you as a human being. 

Your identity cannot be chosen or defined by someone else, especially not anyone who doesn’t share your identity, and not by people who “used to” share your identity. 

If you are demisexual, demiromantic, or both -- good on you! 

[survivingasexuality]

Getting mildly nsfw in this post so, head’s up.

I’m aspec, but sometimes I have intrusive thoughts about having sex with strangers. These intrusive thoughts are often pretty repulsive to me -- not because there’s anything wrong with hooking up with strangers, but because I, personally, don’t enjoy having sexual thoughts outside of a sexual context about people I don’t know. I don’t like looking at someone and having the back of my brain go “Hey so here’s this graphic sexual image.”

It feels not only invasive to me, but invasive to that stranger. It feels wrong for me to consider someone I don’t know in a sexual manner. Almost as if the thought is imposing something upon them. 

It took me a long time to come to grips with these intrusive thoughts. Especially since they come out of nowhere, have no reason to happen, and are at odds with my personal relationship to sex. But ultimately, these thoughts are probably a result of mental illness -- as they are indeed intrusive thoughts that actively trouble me. As I’ve gotten older I’ve been able to take these thoughts and shove them right back out -- let them come and go without lingering and causing me distress (not unlike a lot of my suicidal ideation to be honest). Sometimes they still catch me off guard, but I’ve mostly come to cope with them. 

So, this post is for people who struggle with this problem. For aspecs who have these kinds of intrusive thoughts. It’s okay if you don’t understand them, it’s okay if you don’t like them. But you’re not disgusting because of the weird things your brain does. They’re just thoughts. And having a thought is not the same as acting on that thought, and having a thought does not somehow violate the random stranger that your brain latched onto. 

You’re no less aspec because of these thoughts, either. I’m still very, very much an asexual person despite these intrusive thoughts. Even voluntarily thinking about having sex with strangers doesn’t cancel out your aspec identities. So no worries.

I recommend addressing these intrusive thoughts like an annoying Fairy in your ears. “Yes, I could do that, but you could also buzz off, thanks.” 

[survivingasexuality]

I don’t want to make too many posts and burn myself out, but this is on my dash a lot right now so I want to say this:

If you are arospec but not acespec, you are not an inherently abusive or manipulative person.

The fact that you experience a lower than average or lack of romantic attraction doesn’t make you an abuser. It doesn’t make you manipulative. It doesn’t mean that you’re incapable of developing deep, personal, and even intimate relationships with other people.

It just means you’re arospec. That’s all.

Arospec people are more than capable of love, more than capable of being loving partners. There are many, many different kinds of love, and the idea that romantic love is The One True Love™ is untrue.

Your relationships to others are yours to build. So long as there’s healthy, open communication, then you do you. 

And arospecs who want nothing to do with anything remotely involving romance, the stereotypical view of love, or committed relationships? They’re totally fine too! Being in relationships and what kind of relationships you get into is a completely personal choice. So long as you are open and honest about your intentions with other people then you are in no way being manipulative. Communication is key.

You don’t owe anyone any sort of relationship. 

In the theme of my last two posts: Be unapologetically arospec. You’re perfect. 

[survivingasexuality]

Hey, if you’re aspec and you don’t have any neurodivergence going on, you’re still cool.

As a piggyback off of my last post, if you’re aspec and you’re not neurodivergent? Doesn’t make your aspec identity any less valid. Being aspec is not unique to being neurodivergent. You don’t have to be one to be the others.

You can just be aspec because that’s what you are. So still, be unapologetically aspec. 

[survivingasexuality]

If you’re aspec because of your neurodivergency, that’s cool.

I’m Autistic and Aspec -- and personally, I’m pretty sure that I’m Aspec, in part, because of my Autism. That doesn’t, however, make my aspec identities less valid or real.

Same for everyone else. 

Your brain is your own, your identities are your own. They will undoubtedly have influence on each other. It can be hard to know what came first, what’s pushing the other, but that doesn’t really matter cos both your neurodivergency and your aspec identity don’t need an explanation. 

Be unapologetically neurodivergent and unapologetically aspec. 

[survivingasexuality]

I truly do believe that if you’re IDing as aspec because of internalized bigotry, that’s okay.

I know that’s probably an unpopular opinion, but it stems mostly from the fact that I don’t believe in policing the identities of others for any reason. You know yourself better than anyone else and it would be inappropriate of me, or anyone else, to tell you what you are or aren’t. 

Do I like the idea of anyone struggling with internalized bigotry? Of course not. But we all do. We all struggle with some measure of internalized bigotry -- that’s just what happens when you’re raised in a bigoted society. 

And for people growing up in especially bigoted environments, coming to the conclusion that you might not be straight or cis is not only anxiety inducing, but actively dangerous. The closet is the safest place to be when you’re surrounded by people who hate what you are. Being out and open about your gender or sexuality is not always the best thing -- I know a lot of people consider living in the closet to be a lie to others and oneself, but your safety has to come first. 

We grow up seeped in messages about how being anything but straight or cis is terrible, difficult, disgusting, etc. There’s not a one of us alive who hasn’t absorbed some of that -- it’s okay if you have, you’re not uniquely guilty. Take your time unpacking these harmful messages, take your time exploring who you are in the safest avenues available to you. Do your best not to lash out, but also do your best not to lash inward. 

Combating internalized bigotry is an intensely difficult and personal endeavor. Take the time you need to deal with that. So long as you aren’t actively lashing out at the marginalized people around you, you’re alright.

So yeah, if you’re one of those people who is identifying as aspec because you can’t currently safely ID as, or handle the idea that you may be gay, lesbian, bi, pan, or any other non-straight identity...it’s okay. Please remember that IDing as aspec doesn’t necessarily keep you as safe as just faking that you’re straight. And when that day comes when you feel like you’re safe enough, or when you’ve wrestled out that internalized nastiness, and you claim the identity that you’ve been afraid of it’s okay for you to stop identifying as aspec. 

And if you find out that, wow, you were aspec after all? That’s okay too.