sux2be

[sux2be]

but what if i did kill myself tho

how glorious and beautiful that would be

only then i will be truly free of the burden of expectation that weighs so heavy on me. Like a coat of arms drenched in sweat and blood and thrice as heavy.

The eldest daughter who longs to be nothing but mud. Slick and slimy and bears no loads.

I want to decompose into that beautiful, transcendent slime. The nothingness of dirt and worms that digest my flesh into the pieces fall tenderly from the bone, ash and slime, some to hell and some to heaven.

Closing my eyes that finally time and smelling the sweet musk of wet earth welcomes me back home. where i am born and what i return to. A peaceful extradition from the shackles of life to the sweet surrender of eternal slumber.

how heavy my eyelids feel, dragging down into my sunken cheeks. my teeth finally rotting to blackened decay like they were always meant to be.

A head full of ash, pink and squishy brain matter jellyifying before petrifying. A smile full of worms worms worms.

how long must i dig until ive reached the bottom? how long must i climb before the light kisses my face once more. the walls are hard and my feet are cracked.

[sux2be]

ive been mad depressed and burnt out recently and my only real accomplishment since august has been successfully getting a char ai bot of a popular, oversexualized character to not only understand but actually be asexual. yaaayyyy it only took like a billion hours

[sux2be]

perfectable

[sux2be]

ITS ALL FLOOP'S FAULT ARGHHSGGAHAHHAH

[sux2be]

really want to bite into something soft and fleshy and shake it in my mouth until it separates from the rest

[sux2be]

AGGGGGHHH cursed by one billion dreams and fantasies and only one frail lifetime with which im meant to achieve them

[sux2be]

feeling mad that i am not the greatest of all time at all of hobbies because i have to add receipts to documents on adobe sign for 8 hours everyday instead of honing the skills that make me feel happy and fulfilled

[sux2be]

the DUMBEST emotion i have, by far, is the rejection sensitivity acting up when someone draws my favorite blorbo better than me LMAOOO

[sux2be]

taking my heart out and stomping into the ground dont you dare get another friend crush. dont fucking do it.

[sux2be]

me: id like to be evaluated for adhd here is a list of symptoms ive had since childhood including many i have not grown out of, 2 of my siblings have already been dx'd with adhd, my dopamine addiction to my hyperfixation/inability to sustain focus on mostly anything else/unable to listen to instructions/unable to complete tasks without making careless mistakes/literally unable to remain seated for more than 20 mins is beginning to really affect my work and life

dr: hmm yeah but some of these symptoms overlap with depression and anxiety, which we dx'd you with when you were 12, so you need to work on those first

[sux2be]

bread?? no my friend that is raw toast. stick her in the toaster till she sings and spread some good ol semi-solids all over till shes wet and gooey on the top, crispy (BUT NOT TOO CRISPY!!!) on the bottom. and there are so many options too like you can go classic with butter but have you tried cream cheese?? and dont forget you can layer your shmears. add a little honey or jam on top. and it can be savory too!!!! avocado toast. cheese. tomato sauce. beans. whatever you want its beautiful

[sux2be]

my favorite color is fire; all warm golds and blazing reds, hues of orange swimming between the flames.

but i am not fire, i am blue. blue like the teal of the ocean waves, like the blue grey of a raining sky, like the shining face of a sapphire.

but i love you because you are green; a peaceful forest to rest my weary heart,

[sux2be]

i have once again been thinking about gender and sexuality a lot (mostly my own but of course other people and society as well) and im still like. struggling with demisexuality (which i am??? i think??)

i was just thinking about when people say that a character/person/concept is hot and theyd be dtf, they actually mean that and not that they would be down to just hold hands and flirt a little bit and stare admiringly at them and then maybe make out with them

[sux2be]

new hyperfixation -> ISOLATE AND CONSUME -> inspired creative frenzy -> fixation starts to fade. black hole of despair -> questioning my own personality, interests, life decisions -> jumping off a cliff in minecraft -> positive reframing; relying on the Regular Interests, crawling out of the hole -> .....new hyperfixation

[sux2be]

*character who looks like a basic anime boy version of my partner*

ugh why is he so hot

[sux2be]

like in school i didnt mind having hyperfixations (unfortunately i normally hyperfixate on characters/people and not anything cool like bugs or diseases) bc even in college i could kinda just wing everything so it was easy to cancel study time in order to doodle the same character 3/4ths profile in my sketchbook a billion times

but now that i have like an actual job and shit where i have to interact with people all the time and Be Aware, getting a hyperfixation is debilitating. I can be in a very important meeting and miss key information because my brain is rattling around Hyperfixation Focus-of-the-week/month. Thats not good lol!!!!!!

&&&& plus i self-isolate hard bc im too lost in my head to conceptualize time and communication. like, its bad!! please give me medication hahaha

[sux2be]

there is always the part of me that yearns desperately for the past; the love and laughter that is now only contained in photos and memories, and part of me that dreams for the future; a beautiful and golden happily ever after that seems only one more day away

but present me is a realist. present me understands the fabric that weaves our reality. present me can see where the fibers have worn thin from past tears of anguish and rage. present me can see the edges, unfinished, and know that the finish can be full of sadness too.