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DEREK'S BIRTH WEEK.
I have been trying to figure out what to get the man who has everything but I finally decided. I think these little things will mean something to him. Maybe even as much as the chance to practice on the ice with his favorite team or the personal jersey Tyler is having made for him. So here are my plans:
1. There's a fair in town. A nice night out with games and rides and prizes and just... a chance to be a little more human.
2. Taking him to adopt a dog/puppy/other animal he might like to bring home. We've talked about doing this but I'm glad we haven't yet. This'll be good for him.
3. Claim I'm going shopping for just a little bit to get his handwriting tattooed down my spine. Easily hidden and personal. Similar to the K he has on his finger. (Yes I'm scared of needles but it'll be worth it)
4. A ride to the city. A trip to the top of the empire state building to watch the sun set. Something nice. Something calm. Then back home where I'll let him choose how the rest of the evening goes.
5. The 50's party at Jack's diner with all his friends, my mom, Devyn, Amber, Colby (and raine?), Griffin, and my sister and her family. The out door movie on blankets. Back home for however he wishes to spend the rest of the night.
I really hope it'll be a week he'll enjoy. I'm going to be ignoring any drama that tries to pop up. This week is about Derek. Just Derek.
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"I still want to chase you into the woods."
I know, logically, that these words shouldn't do the things they do to me. They shouldn't. There's just something about the way Derek looks at me when he's in hunt mode. Okay. Maybe not full hunt mode. That'd be... way too dangerous. We've played this game before, here in my apartment. It was closer to the start of our relationship. It was the first night he ever bit me. It was before I knew what he was.
He came over and he said he was hungry. That he wanted a snack. I knew what it meant. I knew he wanted between my thighs. So it was no shock that I ended up on the kitchen counter with him settled on his knees between them. Before he could start, I pushed him back by his throat. Gently but that was all that was needed. He's weak there. Even the lightest touches to his throat can damn near do him in.
I teased him about something or another and before I knew it, I had him chasing me through my apartment. It wasn't a lot of space so the game didn't last very long. My bed was in the corner at the time and soon enough he had me pinned up in that corner. Things got physical, intimate, a night I would never have forgotten to begin with. Then he bit. He bit and I don't think either of us realized at first that it'd happened. He realized it sooner than I did, I'm sure, as soon as my blood hit his tongue. And I pushed for it again. I asked him to bite me again. I knew then what he was. I knew and it showed me a fetish I never realized I had. Vampires. I still think the word is silly. We don't say it often so seeing it written out is weird. I know what he is, I know what he does, and I'm disgustingly aroused by it.
The me that I am when we aren't playing, when I'm not soaked, knows just how wrong it is. I should be terrified of him. I can't be, though. I love him. I've loved him for a long time now. Well it feels like a long time. In the best ways, I feel like I've known him forever. I feel like I have loved him forever, even if I've only known him for four months. It probably seems silly to outsiders. How could we possibly be so in love, so bound, after only four months? I don't have an answer. I guess our souls were just meant to connect like this. All the bad that's happened to him led him here to me and I am going to spend the rest of forever making sure there's nothing but good for him. Whether he believes it or not, Derek deserves good things.
That brings me to the new game. The quote that started this whole post. Do you remember that night a few weeks back where I talked about how he held a knife to my throat? How intense and rough and violent things got? That night, I made a suggestion. He'd said something about wishing he could hunt me, wishing he could really chase me. I offered a chase through the yard, out into the woods. I even offered to scream, to pretend to be scared for him. It's something he likes and for me?
There's some sick attraction in the idea of being hunted. It's a twisted little turn on, the thought of running through the woods in some flowy dress that catches on briars and limbs and other brush. The dress rips and tears, my feet bruised and bloody, maybe I even trip or lose my footing a few times, all while Derek hunts me, while he chases me down. I bought the dress tonight. It's blue and it's long. Off the shoulders and sheer. Cheap but beautiful. I know it's going to tear and I know exactly what it's going to look like when he bites. That light blue is going to be stained and ruined by crimson pools. He likes a mess.
I'll even do my makeup up heavy. I'll force myself to cry to get it running and ruined. I'll do my hair up nice, too. Something that'll look nice when it's matted and tangled and stuck together with blood; twigs and leaves sticking out at odd angles. As much as it's a game for him, it's going to be a game for me, too. I want this. I want it so bad.
After last time, though, I made sure he's going to be okay afterwards. Last time, he had a little meltdown after and i completely understand why. It's hard for him. His existence is hard for him and he'd never forgive himself if he killed me. Ever. I know this. I know he has more control than he realizes. I know he does. He's proven it many times. He says he'll be fine, promised me he would be, so I'm trusting him on that.
However, none of this can happen until we're back in Albany.
I need to find that leather bunny costume I wore for Halloween last year while we're here in LA, too. He wanted to see that and I promised I'd show him.
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Los Angeles. For five years I called this place home. I mean I guess it kind of still is. I still have the apartment. My mom is still here. But I think I've done away with the idea of a physical home. Home is Derek. As sappy as that sounds, home is wherever Derek is. Whether its the car, this apartment, our home in Albany, taking him back to my grandparents for the holidays... If Derek is there, I'm home.
But we're back in LA for my birthday. We went to the traphouse sunday night. To Colby's. The party he and Devyn have been planning for me. I was worried a little. I knew everyone would love Derek, and they did, but I was worried about Sam. Sam. He's made no secret about his dislike for Derek and I was worried he'd show his ass sunday night. But he didn't. At least not at first. He was nice. He introduced himself, said it was nice to meet Derek, and went on about his business, enjoying the party as much as everyone else.
It wasn't exactly a surprise when I needed a break. I love our friends, I really do, but sometimes the stuffy air in a house party is too much. The weed smell, the alcohol, the vape clouds. It's a lot. So I dragged Derek outside so we could relax for a minute by the pool. That's where the whole night changed. It all changed right there.
He asked me, officially, to marry him. I said yes, of course. Immediately. How could I ever say anything else? He's the love of my life. He's my best friend. He's my literal everything.
But then Sam finally broke character.
He saw the ring and he lost it. Apparently he had seen it all happen through the back window.
"Are we gonna talk about how he didn't even get on his knee?"
No, but he didn't have to. Derek did what felt right and to be fair, I was sitting in his lap when he asked. With his mother's ring.
Sam was embarrassing. Horribly embarrassing. Called me a slut for my dress choice. Said he should have been the one to put a ring on my finger. But it made things a lot easier. Things being the plan Derek and I have had from the minute we knew we were coming back to LA for my birthday.
Derek had me on every single surface in Sam's room. Colby caught us walking out. Was obviously super disappointed. Do I know it was wrong? Absolutely, but I can't make myself regret it. I'm angry. I'm so angry that Sam thinks he has any say in my life now. I want to stay friends, I really do, but he's making it so much harder than it needs to be. I just want him to let me go. I'm engaged now. I'm marrying someone who has changed my whole entire life. I'm not coming back, Sam. I'm not and I need you to understand that. Derek is the love of my life. I told you I needed to find myself and I did. I found myself in Derek. I found my security, my comfort, and my happiness in Derek. I'm sorry i hurt you. Really and truly. But it's him. It will always be him. I think it was him before I even knew him. Is that how soulmates work?
I don't deserve this life with him. He deserved Martin and his happiness. So I'm going to spend every single day for the rest of forever making sure he knows how grateful I am that he took a chance on me. On us. He had absolutely every reason to stay closed off and keep things casual but he didn't. He wanted this. I'll never understand why he chose me but I'm okay with that. I love him and he loves me and that's all that will ever matter.
Time to start writing my vows.
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These are my favorite moments. I don't know if you know I took this. I don't think it matters. Being like this with you, existing in the purest way possible? Heaven. Or as close to heaven as I can get without actually being called back. We're engaged. We're getting married. Me and you, you and me. That's it. That's all I really need. I love you. I will always love you.
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have i maybe developed a violence kink? maybe
are we gonna talk about that?
definitely not
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When you meet the right person, you know it. You can't stop thinking about them. They are your best friend, and your soul mate. You can't wait to spend the rest of your life with them. No one and nothing else can compare.
— How I Met Your Mother, Nora's Dad
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“It was the kind of kiss that made me know that I was never so happy in my whole life.”
— Stephen Chbosky; The Perks of Being a Wallflower
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