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Trying to put the feelings of betrayal into words is almost impossible. I wish people could understand what that is like. I don’t really have the words.

I just want to exist. I want to feel safe. I want to feel like I’m not at the mercy of someone else at all times.

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This is actually more vulnerable than I anticipated. I feel everything so intensely right now, and I want to talk about it, and yet I feel like someone is going to find out, is going to know.

I’m not embarrassed of who I am and how I feel, but it is so intense as to be almost too much to handle.

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One of the hardest parts of this is carrying my body’s trauma and seeing and feeling this trauma, too. They both mix together sometimes - maybe that’s somehow easier, I don’t know.

I feel less alone in what I have lived through, and somehow more alone than ever.

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I can remember, vividly, the moment I took Helly’s hand and turned to run. I can hear the alarms. I can smell blood in the air, I can feel my heart pounding.

I just want us both to live. It’s all that I want. Nothing else mattered or ever could matter more, except just having a few more moments together.

I feel such horrible, aching sadness about being alone right now.

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Was trying to figure out why the severed floor is so familiar to me, why everything feels so intense and immediate, and why I feel so strongly that I have lived as an innie when it hit me: oh.

-kinsidering Mark S. (Severance)

✉

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When I started to feel everything in my bones that there was something going on. I tried to ignore it. I tried to pretend that what I was experiencing was normal. That everyone felt as intensely as I did, felt like they were debating about myself and my life. When I heard what Mark Scout said, and I already knew what I’d say in response, it was inescapable.

The immediacy of my memories is what feels so intense. The pain of knowing that no how hard you reach for it, you can’t quite get there. I miss my friends. I miss Helly so much.

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It is hard not to feel adrift. Sometimes it really does feel like seeing the world for the first time. Sometimes I wonder if people can tell when they look at me that I don’t really belong here. Not entirely.

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SEVERANCE 1.01|1.03