swagshittoreblog

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made my homeowner-mc thing for this game

SPOILERS FOR xxXShadowl0rd420Xxx ROUTE BELOW

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Hang in there, BABY?

Pairing: Hank(s) x reader

Summary: When your friend unexpectedly drops off a baby for the night, you and your five hanger boyfriends—The Hank(s)—are thrown into a whirlwind of diapers, pacifiers, and existential panic. 

A/N: sorry its been take me so long to write, my computer is literally on its last legs and I can't afford to get a new one :(

(its a 8 year old Mac book and i swear i can hear it cough after every update 💔)

You don’t ask questions when your friend drops a baby off at your door.

You try, of course. You get out “Wait, why—” before she slaps a diaper bag into your arms, kisses your cheek, and says something like “It’s just overnight, you’re the only one I trust, I’ll explain everything later, BYE.”

And then she’s gone.

And you’re left holding a real, human baby. And also surrounded by five animate "hangers" in jumpsuits who have very strong and very different feelings about this.

“A baby?” Hank 2 squeaks, already Googling CPR on your cracked phone. Hank 1 crosses his arms. “We can handle a baby. We’ve done trick dives into volcanoes.” “Those were miniature volcanoes made out of papier-mâché and sadness,” mutters Hank 4. “Do we think the baby’s got a favorite already?” teases Hank 3, batting his lashes. He’s immediately silenced by a diaper to the face. “I love this baby,” Hank 5 whispers, gently cradling the child with sock-like reverence. “We should build it a tiny hammock and name it Bean.”

You make a list. You don’t know what babies eat (mashed peas? socks?), but you know what you have:

Five hanger boyfriends

A half-eaten sleeve of saltines

Eight Red Bowls

And now, apparently, a baby.

Operation: Don’t Let the Baby Die begins.

Hour 1: Hank 2 is already spiraling. He’s checking the baby’s pulse every six minutes. “What if we drop it? What if it senses our fear? What if Red Bowl finds out and tries to sponsor it?!”

Hour 2: Hank 1 builds a diaper-changing station out of your bookshelf. It is both sturdy and somehow... emotionally grounding. “Babies need confidence. Eye contact. Structure. And a little jazz.”

Hour 3: Hank 3 plays peekaboo. But it turns into an impromptu stand-up set. “You ever notice how pacifiers are just, like, emotional corks? Amirite?” The baby stares. Then drools. Hank 3 swoons.

Hour 4: Hank 4 is writing a detailed list of potential baby names (even though you told him it already has one). “What about Clasp? Or Hookifer. No? Too thematic?”

Hour 5: Hank 5 and the baby are both asleep in a pile of pillows and blankets on the living room floor, baby toys scattered like confetti around them. You gently drape a blanket over them and whisper, “This is my life now.”

You didn’t expect this. You didn’t expect to be jobless, babysitting someone else’s infant at 3 a.m., surrounded by five sentient hangers in jumpsuits who somehow care more about your well-being than most people ever have.

But when the baby starts to cry at 3 a.m.—a loud, wailing, existential sound that cuts into your sleep like a Red Bowl promo jingle—they all show up.

Hank 2 with a warm bottle. Hank 1 with calming noise (a Spotify playlist labeled “Jazz for Infants and Sad Adults”). Hank 3 with interpretive dance. Hank 4 with one (1) stolen baby sock he insists is sentimental. Hank 5 with a lullaby that is definitely just the Red Bowl theme song hummed gently.

And you.

Tired. Overwhelmed. Absolutely not ready to be responsible for anyone, let alone six people (five of whom used to live in your closet as inanimate hangers—until the glasses happened)

But you hold that baby. And the Hanks hold you. Figuratively. And then, literally.

And in that tangled pile of limbs, soft snoring, and the faint scent of baby powder and Red Bowl plastic, you realize: this is your family.

In the morning, when your friend returns and gasps, “Wait, why are there five hot men in jumpsuits in your living room?”—

You just shrug.

“Long story,” you say. “But we’re good with babies.”

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The Hank(s) [Parent HC’s]

SPOILERS FOR AFTER REALIZATION ENDING

A/n: Ever since Hank 5 said his dream is to be a dad, the breeding kink side of me awaken like nothing ever before. I can’t stop thinking about how cute the boys would be as parents

Side warning: I don’t have the game, so my limited knowledge is entirely based off YouTube playthroughs of the Hanks and some clips I seen on Tik Tok. Sorry if some parts are off or wrong!!!

(Fluff/suggestive but not really, Female reader)

They use your pregnancy as motivation to pursue their dreams harder, not only for themselves but to also help support you financially

They follow you EVERYWHEREEEEE

You can barely get up from bed without them asking a million questions of what’s wrong or what you need

Whatever you need, they’re at your beak and call. Feeling sore? They’re rubbing you up. Have weird cravings at 5 a.m.? They’re racing to the kitchen dropping everything on their way back to you

When it’s time to deliver they are all over the place:

Hank 1 and 3 are holding your hand

Hank 5 wiping away your sweat and tears trying his best to comfort you, telling you it’ll all be over soon

Hank 4 is pacing back and forth saying he can’t look but keep looking anyways

Hank 2 passed out on the floor

You honestly believe the Hanks are crying more than the baby when it’s in your arms

The baby is an identical copy of Hank 5, from the hair to the moles. Looks absolutely nothing like you.

9 months in your womb, making you suffer… THE’RE PERFECT!!!

When y/n is trying to breastfeed, Hank 3 is trying to take a peak/making suggestive comments like “When they’re done, can I have a taste?” And gets slap against the head from the other hanks

They set a rotating schedule based on days of the week for changing diapers and who wakes up to check on the baby at night

They all have their own nicknames for mini Hank. Something cheesy like meatball, dumpling, etc

When you have to leave for the real world, the baby starts crying like crazy missing you terribly. So when you get home, you often walk in on the guys cosplaying as you.

A/n: Aaaaa this is my first time ever writing anything so sorry for any mistakes! PLEASE PLEASE let me know of your headcanons! I’m dying for more Hank content so please share!

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Kris, it's ok! It's just us!

ch 4 weird route got me loving kris as a character so fucking much

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I've been doing a lot of thinking about my family and how I was treated as a child, and honestly, my father has never seemed more amazing in my eyes.

I used to love Luigi(Mario's brother) when I was little. Like, he was my favorite character ever, and I had multiple plushies of him. Didn't give a fuck about Mario, vaguely tolerated Peach, but I loved Luigi.

On my first day of kindergarten, my dad gave me the number for his work phone and said it was Luigi's phone number. "If anything happens at school, call Luigi."And not even twenty minutes into my first day, I was having a panic attack. So I went down to the principal's office and called "Luigi."

Now, at the time, my father was in a meeting with his manager and his supervisor, along with most of his coworkers. And when I called, he picked up before he even left the room.

And he put on a very awful Italian accent and said, "Itsa me, Luigi! Whatsa the matter?"In front of his boss and coworkers. Without telling them what was going on. So they were absolutely bewildered, and he carried on like they didn't even exist. He only explained what was happening after I had calmed down and hung up, to which most of them responded with "Aww, cute."

I continued to call him whenever I got upset at school, and eventually his coworkers got in on it. I distinctly remember one of them impersonating Toad. I don't know why I'm telling you this, I just thought it might make you smile :)

this is so delightful I love your Luigi dad

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I love our wife… GOD I can’t be normal about this right now I’m losing my mind!!

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"Oh haha Volt and Eddie sandwich with me in the middle-"

NO! Volt and Eddie sandwich with Eddie in the middle getting kisses from the player and Volt as they both help him let out some pent up stress after a long of working.

PLS TELL ME YOU GUYS SEE THE VISION

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This is who is leading the NYC mayoral democratic primary rn

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Mateo’s lucky hes not real because id wife him up so fast. You just sit in our cute little cottage in the woods with your one million animals while I work and come home to snuggles

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yeah i have a type

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My Full goth Barry design ! Oh Goth Barry Styles you own my heart

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another assortment, mostly zane...again

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"I know chatgpt is bad but you just don't really have any choice" you literally do. Don't use it. Have some moral backbone.

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good news i'm the most fuckable person at this vehicular manslaughter