swallowed-by-the-moon

[swallowed-by-the-moon]

"why aren't you open with me?" *flashbacks to every time I've done that* idk man I guess that's just how I am

[swallowed-by-the-moon]

I just wish someone loved me unconditionally. I wish there was someone beside me who could say that everything is alright and help me stay strong. it's just so tiring to stand sll alone with no support from someone who will never make their love conditional, never replace me and never leave me behind. I crave it badly but at the same time I fear vulnerability

[swallowed-by-the-moon]

no matter what I do or how hard I try everyone despises me and I can't help but become angry in return. I hate everyone around me, I hate my parents who failed to love and care about me, I hate my classmates who started hating me after one small inconvenience, I hate everyone I once befriended because they failed to reassure me and I don't trust my current friends and acquaintances. I'm always prepared to be stabbed in the back and I cannot overcome it. it eats me alive and diminishes to the point I no longer feel human nor do I feel at all. only pain and suffering surround me while I bring force the smile which keeps everyone thinking I'm okay and I bring force my anger to keep everyone well away. I'm disgusting I really don't think I deserve any goodness towards me, I'm miserable and I really need to isolate with all my anger and hatred and let normal people alone. I don't want me near anyone, I don't want to spoil my sister and I often feel like I very much do it. everyone blames me for everything and I blame myself too. shame follows my footsteps like a shadow I cannot get rid of. I don't know how something so shameful like me could even be created I wish I disappeared. it's so fucking hard to always stay defensive when I know I'm weak I cannot handle life as it is. I'm a failure and I shouldn't have existed at all

[swallowed-by-the-moon]

thinking about that 40 yo metal guy from the club and like. I'm seriously fucking confused rn because like on one hand lije PLEASE PLEASE TREAT ME LIKE A SON I WANT ALL YOUR ATTENTION ON ME and on the other holy fuck that creepy (I mean creepy coming from me because the guy is chill). like I don't want any closeness or stuff because it has left me wounded so many times and yet I really want to feel wanted. really wanted and heard. and he did hear me. he did talk to me. he did recommend me music. he did know many niche bands I was telling him about. like I really wanna meet him and talk again but on the other hand like holy fuck what if I'm gonna split again what if I'm gonna hurt much more this time just because his attention wasn't fully on me. my god I swear it sounds fucking cringey and all but like my god I had a serious breakdown just cuz I didn't have a chance to chat w him in peace cuz this other guy started changing a subject and I just went quiet. I just honestly dk it's driving me nuts daddy issues have fucked me up like my god the older guy shows me a little respect and attention and I'm already fucking getting attached to him it fucking sucks cock fr. and this band I like, the cover band, they are prepping for a new gig from what I've seen and my god. on one hand I look forward to seeing em again but this guy. loves rent free in my head the last couple of days and I really don't like that. I also really dislike the fact that every time my father makes me feel worthless I just sit and question why the hell HIM, why not some other man? there were a couple of celebrity father figures for me, they created something that comforted me for a long time but it's like all fucking wrong I hate being ignored. and this guy is not on the other end of the world, he's actually there and that's disturbing because the fuck how the fuck cool middle aged guys exist but none of them is my fucking father oh my god. i really hate daddy issues because it's like. pathetic. to almost fall on your knees crying after an older man didn't treat you like shit, instead treating you like a human being. my father just never really tried to show me his love when it came to attention. never fucking bothered. the only attention I got from him was either money (which I wouldn't even call attention tbh more like trying to bribe your own kid and justify your fucking lack of desire to get to actually know your kid) or watching him play that borin ass strategic videogame (which ain't considered giving attention to your child either). like I was often eager to go out with him or do some activities together but he was always sitting his ass off in front of a tv saying that he ain't in a mood. and now he's fucking questioning why I want nothing to do w him. no, ignoring me and being emotionally absent wasn't the worst thing he's done but when ur a kid and your own father ignores you for years it's just so confusing like what did I do wrong actually? why did you fucking give birth to me then? and then he tries to give me a life lesson or something like dude come on. at least I didn't give birth to a child just to ignore them for a bigger part of their life

[swallowed-by-the-moon]

I fucking hate display of feelings I wanna fucking throw up when I see people kiss or have a long long hug. my affection is my weakness that's what I learnt. and I really hated the affection between my parents, they are disgusting when together, a poisonous fucking couple, esp to their children. I fucking hate tactility, I fucking hate it. but I crave love. no, not all of this stuff they be labeling love, I need attention, I need to know that I'm not just a stranger. I don't need money, I despise hugs and I wants to throw up when kissed. I just want to feel wanted. I just want to know that you pay attention to me as a soul, as a person, not the skin and bones I reside in. I want to feel it deeply and do want to do the same for you. but everyone always gets tired and replaces me always.

[swallowed-by-the-moon]

no one fucking wants me they never wanted me in the first place. and I need to become one with someone, merge into them, sync our heartbeat and bloodflow. I need to crawl under their skin but no one would have me. toxic? for sure. but is it that bad that I want to be your world and want you to be mine and mine only? swallow your soul so you could never fucking leave. but if only someone would be willing to truly appreciate me and never never betray or replace? on the other hand I will sense we're becoming toxic and hurting each other and just leave. or randomly leave and then regret it for the rest of my life. god I wish my parents loved me instead of being emotionally frozen and blaming everything on me. always me. me me me. always me the loser, always the unwanted one always the one to replace. sure. always me who you can hurt after a bad day, shout, call weak, dumb and incapable of understanding simplest shit. well you'll be so grateful to hear that I still hear your voices like mine inside my head telling me I'm a failure and a loser, everyone is better than me and my mission in life is to suffer. then eventually I'll punish myself just as you did because I don't deserve to make mistakes and be forgiven, I'm simply worse than human and that's why I'm treated this way. that's exactly why

[swallowed-by-the-moon]

no. no, if they turn me down AGAIN after all the energy I've put into the preparation to this examination I'm honestly quitting. I'm quitting and won't be looking for work anymore. I don't have evergy anymore I'm just fucking drained and for fucking what? a fucking minimum wage job? I cannot take this any longer. so they think I must waste tonnes of my goddamn energy which is lacking anyways just to earn a fucking bare minimum, be looked down on and shouted on? + I cannot even sit during the working day like hell what am I even thinking my god. this is unbelievably fucking dumb my god for fucks sake I think I really have to slash me open Ion wanna exist no more because it's just too much for me and I hate to think that it's only a beginning

[swallowed-by-the-moon]

hold my head under the water 🎶🎶🎶

[swallowed-by-the-moon]

here we go again, all consuming empathy, the urge to undo it all by slashing my wrists open. I mean I don't know why I exist I doubt myself I don't see a point. I cannot even transition properly cuz no one wants me working or if they want I have to know everything for a bare minimum wage. like I mean I don't know. no one wants me too. I really just wanna slash me open and bleed out. I don't know I haven't felt like this in a while but really what's the point why. I hate this shit sm unbelievable. my god what a fucking swift switch of energy

[swallowed-by-the-moon]

// sh mentions

I've been trying to get this job in a restaurant and like it looked doable until they fucking said I have to remember the whole fucking menu + the restaurant rules + some other shit like damn I have memory issues and I really tried to learn all this but they really told me Ion know enough and like. the guy who's been trying for this job w me, he like, he's as quiet as a mouse while the job requires loud voice and an attitude AND HE FUCKING GOT ACCEPTED I CANNOT FUCKING BELIEVE IT. lije girls from work told me I was doing awesome for someone who's had no experience before and they deadass declined cuz I DIDN'T FUCKING REMEMBER 15 FUCKING INGREDIENTS OF THE FUCKING SOUP. I ain't even a waiter too. they said to come again when I'll learn the menh but honestly my god it's just too much of a low wage job to try this hard like damn the fuck?? the guy who got accepted cannot even talk loudly and I got kicked out cuz of the fucking menu man like I really deserve better like Ik english, I can literally be whatever you want wherever you want but you jist fucking throw me away. a fucki low wage job my god. and honest to god I got upset I cut and that shit got me feeling amazing. I mean holy crap I wasn't able to hit this deep fpr who knows how long, pulling my fully scarred shoulder goal closer. like I really want that shit to look disgusting my god I love being in pain. not trying to be an edgelord but my gooooddddddd fucking deep fresh wounds just hit different. I'm realising I'm into "weird" kinky shit and honestly as much as one part of me hates me the other just wants to explore more because my god it's just something

[swallowed-by-the-moon]

my god I'm awful I'm so awful I suck so bad I mean my art ain't even good everyone is just lying to me I hate myself I hate that my artstyle looks uncserious and I fucking hate that all of my techniques auck so bad. what's more I hate that I have little to no time to practice painting in my *own* style and I'm really fucking sick. really FUCKING sick. I just want to be like ppl who draw pretty stuff but all I do looka like shit

[swallowed-by-the-moon]

it's so me to push everyone away and then wonder why they don't want me. shit it's been a bad day. a bad year even. I'm splitting on my sister, I hate myself for everything I do and think. morality as a concept fucking haunts me even tho I know it is pretty much cultivated but still the things I think. the things I fantasize about. they are disgusting honestly I should kill myself. no one wants me everyone pushes me away no fucking one wants to be there for me. I have a dilemma before me: principles or loyalty. my good friend's constantly watching russian content and I'm really against it, I really hate it when ppl fuel the terrorist county who's been shooting missiles on us for more than ten years. yet she fails to see why it's bad even tho I try and try to make it more clear for her. I'm just so mad she won't listen and I sure don't wanna be associated with ppl who do such things. but my god 5 years of friendship. I'm really fucking lost idk what to do I'm real angry with her I mean I think I've never been so angry at her before. I'm thinking about messaging her about this shit but I'm guessing she'll think I'm manipulating our friendship and I'm not. I'm just so tired and no one's willing to understand what I say. I also was denied in a job and I honestly don't know what to do since I really need a PART TIME job but eveypne wants me to work full schedule. I CANNOT. I still have fucking college, fucking working my ass off for no pay thanks a lot AND I CAN'T EVEN FIND A JOB CUZ NO ONE WOULD FUCKING HAVE ME ALTHO I'D BE MORE THAN WILLING TO WORK BECAUSE I REALLY NEED HRT TO SURVIVE. I just don't see any meaning in all this I'm just so tired with the way this world and the people are disgusting

[swallowed-by-the-moon]

had a huge spiral I mean yeah like caused me to lash out. since yesterday when my mother made me feel totally worthless and I was remembering my cat and mourning him again. everything's been horrible this last few weeks I mean I felt myself hitting the button. and this fucking thing my teacher said made me lose my shit. now I do understand that it was kinda too much but she literally was freaking me out for a long time. starting with judging me behind my back. ending with fucking saying something ab my parents forcing me to go to this college loud enough for the whole class to hear. I mean that was juuust embarrassing. I mean I'm not all sweet and kind to her too but at least I'm not getting personal. and now shit. I'm feeling like many of those serial killers who say "I did it because of how cruel the world was to me". I mean I know it sounds cringey but I've been back into true crime and literally many killers say taht. and I keep spinning this thought in my head. I mean I would never hurt no one but people make me all fucking bitter and angry. they never think about how the shit they fo will affect me and it fucking affects me badly. I hate to tell ppl ab my sh issues but in the moments like these there's just such a big urge to say "I most likely have bpd, I feel that everyone hates me I'm tired of life and tired physically, every time you make me feel worthless I make myself suffer: starving and cutting. I have no one whilst you have everything: support, care, love. no one around me seems to care. and I'm so fucking afraid that I'll be left alone again. I'm so fucking scared it makes me turn angry. and all of you just make everything so much worth with your lack of understanding. you do not and don't want to understand. your thoughts and words keep crawling on the inner side of my scalp poisoning my thinking process. I cannot separate my thoughts and wants from other's. I'm sorry ur so pathetic taht you cannot have your own opinion and try to poison anyone who stands out. just like in society it is". but no one is gonna listen because I'm the worst person in the world, I'm disgusting because I believe that expensive college should do better. BUT THEIR POISON MAKES ME THINK I'M CRAZY AND SICK. that's what they always do

they always shut up the ones who wants changes. I cannot understand why people are so aggressive to me. probably because I'm aggressive to them. because I'm tired of suppressing it. but then I feel bad for hurting someone. I want to apologise and cry and say how miserable I am and how I don't want them to leave. I just want to be loved. but people don't give me what I want and it drives me crazy. technically I'm nothing special but I believe I do deserve praise and love for thin that I do and I know how to do them. I think I should be praised more. but no one does it and I'm angry. and when someone does I think they're lying. I don't want to live. but I cannot leave my sister. she's the only one for whom I care this much. only one left. I can cope with losing others but I cannot lose her. I don't want to break her with my death but I just cannot live any longer

[swallowed-by-the-moon]

had a beef with my mother and oh my god she hates me so much everyone hates me I drank today and now I'm bleeding abd oh fuck I'm so tired of wiping the vpoof off and I fucking hate myself I feel so worthless no one cares abot meno one will ever love mr no one ever

[swallowed-by-the-moon]

I'm disgusting I hate myself so much I wanna throw up

[swallowed-by-the-moon]

as I find myself sleepless at 4 am, crying my eyes out. there's no shit like seasonal depression for me. there just is fucking spring. spring is something else. a season when everything bad happens. the season when all the trauma happens. I literally have 0 good memories tied to spring. ok maybe 1 when I felt good in the moment. and it was cuz I found a book that was making me feel better. I lost my beloved cat last spring. crying over him rn because nk one seems to understand and love me how he did. me and him, we were like soulmates idk how to explain. he was always there for me when I was feeling bad and alone. and I. I fucking refused to play with him because I had homework to do. that fucking homework meant nothing. but him. let that homework be fucked I should've just thrown him the ball and shit. my god I miss him. I miss him so much. I don't even miss my grandfather that much and he was the relative I was the closest to. I was forced to do many stuff I didn't want to at spring, I was broken many times at spring, I was abandoned at spring, I was bullied at spring and I tried to kill myself at spring. nothing good happened and now it's just flashbacks over flashbacks because of how air smells and because of the sound of the rain which I once loved

[swallowed-by-the-moon]

I HATE YOU I love you do you miss me probably not but what if you do? we weren't meant for each other were we? I know we were friends and I didn't want it to be more but this was something other. this felt right the way it was. or did it? man I don't think you ever remember me no more idk I forget about everyone I forget about the past way too often but when it comes to memories of you I just can't let go of the fact that it was it. or was it really? maybe you lied to me maybe you did I don't know man you never even responded to my last messages and I hate you for doing that to me but did you really actually care? or was I just an another funny acquaintance you've made? like always right? always the crazy freaky dude who turns out to be miserable and sad instead of charming and mysterious. it's always like that. when they done playing they leave that's why I ain't letting them all anywhere near me no more