sweatbreathofpaint-blog

[sweatbreathofpaint-blog]

Missing Abby’s Graduation

It was the first time she had seen him in three years. She was twenty one years old and could count the times she had seen her father on both hands. There was nothing he could ever do to make up for abandoning her as a baby. He enjoyed talking to her about how much he loved her, but she never fully experienced it. Sometimes he would turn her into a princess for the weekend, but for the rest of the time she was his secret that lived in the dark shadows of his heart. The family he had cared for had always been his priority and she would forever be unknown to them and tucked away so that she may never be discovered. Every time he couldn’t pick up the phone when she called because he was with his other daughters she had asked herself why she wasn’t good enough. Now, he was asking for forgiveness and to be called dad.

He was sitting in front of her. A glass of red wine at hand, but the food hadn’t arrived yet. They both had already ordered. Joshua was going on his rant about what is best for Abby and how he wish he could change everything in her past. Abby listened sometimes losing his voice to the layers of sounds and conversations present in the busy restaurant. His face was dark due to the dim lighting and he was looking fashionable in his work suit.

“I didn’t make it to your graduation and I am sorry,” he stated. “I had to make a choice between a family event and your graduation. There was going to be consequences regardless of the decision I made.”

Abby vaguely remembered Joshua informing her about a wedding the same weekend that she walked across the stage and received her diploma but shouldn’t he have wanted to be there considering how much he has already missed? He tells her all the time that he wished he could be there, but won’t take the chance when it arises. She had stopped talking to him again after he expressed that he wouldn’t be attending and they went three months without a single word shared between them.

Finally when she accepted that he was not meant to be in her life, he called. This was surprising to her because it was the first time he had actually reached out to her and had made himself vulnerable. This time when she spoked to him on the phone she was intrigued by the fact he was capable of admitting that he was wrong. Three days after the phone call, he flew himself to San Francisco to spend time with Abby. He took her shopping and now was treating her to an expensive dinner. It was one of the few times Abby could pretend to be sophisticated. It was like it briefly opened a door to a fantasy life where she was important and had everything.

“I want to start sending you money,” he looked up from his glass of wine and added “monthly.”

Abby began to fidget with the white napkin in her lap. These words made her uncomfortable. Abby had a hard time asking or taking money that was anyone else other than her mother. She had watched her mother work multiple jobs to put a roof over Abby’s head. That women had a lot of pride and Abby learned that from her.

Although Abby had to admit to herself she had asked Joshua for money twice. The times had fallen within the same year, but for different reasons. These request actually turned into arguments that got Abby to convulse with rage every time she thought about it and replayed his words that would ring in her head. The last time she had asked for $200 dollars to help pay for part of class so she could graduate. The other $300 she was going to get by maxing out her credit card, but she didn’t tell him that.

“You asked for money already. Is this going to become a trend?” he asked her.

“Look,” Abby yelled into the receiver “you never paid a dime in child support. You got away with who knows how much money. Do you have any fucking clue how much a child cost? You didn’t have to pay for lawyers to handle your matter of child support and you didn’t lose any fucking time at work. You didn’t have to think about what I was eating or if I had something to wear. You had no fucking clue of what was going on and it’s clear that you still don’t give two fucks! If I don’t get this class I can’t graduate or transfer to a university.”

“You don’t understand!” he yelled back at her, “I can’t just give you money I have to ask my wife first! She has to approve it.” He said the last sentence convicted by his own bullshit.

Abby’s heart was pounding. No matter how many rocks she threw at his delusions they would never break. “You are going to hide behind your wife! Blame your own lack of motivation to help your daughter on YOUR FUCKING WIFE? Are you that much of a coward? Or did you just marry a cunt?”

Joshua couldn’t take it and hung up the phone. “Fuck,” Abby said out loud to herself, “how am I going to pay for this class.” Tears made their appearance on her face and but not ready to give up she tried to think of places that might give her a loan.

Joshua eventually texted her that he would wire the money, but to never call his wife a count again. Soon as the money came in Abby maxed out her credit card and used Joshua’s wired money to pay for the class. A total of $500 that would ruin Abby’s credit. Although, she was relieved that should would qualify to transfer to a selective university. After all, Abby did have a 3.6 GPA.

Her mind wandered back to the present and she had the feeling like she just awoke from a dream. Joshua was still talking and how proud he was of her acceptance into a top university. He took a sip of his red wine and said “Did you know that you are my best friend?” He continued matter of fact, “Getting to know you has been really good for me. I’m not as angry as I used to be and my wife notices a difference.”

Joshua finished apologizing for the 10th time about missing Abby’s graduation. He dropped her off in front of her apartment, but before saying goodbye gave her $100 and a kiss on the forehead.

“I promise I’ll do better. I love you Abby.”

Those last four words were condemned by Abby’s heart and she believed it to be a lie. No man had ever loved her.