swiftretribution-blog

[swiftretribution-blog]

my mom just found this sweatshirt her friends designed when she was in nursing school and I fuckin. I cant handle this the weird boney arms the xenomorph baby the fact that tge midwife looks like shes crawling out of a portal to hell I just. I cant understand why this has to exist who allowed it

[swiftretribution-blog]

one time while we were in the car andrew said “i basically think your gender is whatever robot body you would choose to have in a transhumanist future, but then again, that would make my gender a featureless floating orb” and i think about that a lot

[swiftretribution-blog]

This has been a psa

[swiftretribution-blog]

if you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to live in the midwest, this is it. 

[swiftretribution-blog]

4chan = white nationalist skinhead wannabe edgelords reddit = epic bacon nerd culture libertarians tumblr = 12 year old communists facebook = conspiracy theory-addled GOP baby boomers slowly regressing back to infancy twitter = ??????

[swiftretribution-blog]

Things my dentist has actually said to me:

“Well, either the x-rays lied to me or you are spontaneously creating teeth. I’m going with the second one because it’s way cooler.”

“When was the last time you flossed? Your gums aren’t bleeding which means I’m either not doing this hard enough or you actually floss your teeth regularly”

“You don’t need to do a fluoride treatment I just want to go check my facebook for a second and this is the best excuse I can come up with. Don’t worry your insurance will cover it.”

“Take a whole handful of toothbrushes, I can’t order new ones in less ugly colors until these ones are gone.”

“Remember not to eat or drink anything for a half hour…or actually you know forget that go eat lemons and drink coffee right now. I make money based on peoples bad decisions, you should probably stop brushing your teeth too.”

“I became a dentist because I like making children cry and they don’t let you do that as a regular doctor.”

[swiftretribution-blog]

this is the money dog, repost in the next 24 hours and money will come your way!!

[swiftretribution-blog]

Thanksgiving is the only holiday where we eat the mascot

[swiftretribution-blog]

Let bi boys date girls

[swiftretribution-blog]

Me: “How can I help you today, ma'am?” Client: “Is e-mail internet”? Me: “I beg your pardon?” Client: “Is e-mail on the internet? I have no internet, can I still read my e-mail?” Me: “Well yes, you must be able to get online to view your e-mail.” Client: “Oh, dear. I can’t see my e-mail.” Me: “Well, let’s see. Can you open up Internet Explorer for me and tell me what you see?” Client: “Open what?” Me: “Your browser, can you open up your browser?” Client: “My…my…?” Me: “What you click on when you want to browse the internet?” Client: “I don’t use anything, I just turn my computer on, and it’s there.” Me: “Okay. Do you see the little blue ‘e’ icon on your desktop?” Client: “You mean I have to start writing letters again?” Me: “I’m…what, I’m sorry?” Client: “I don’t have any pens at my desk. I just want my e-mail again.” Me: “No, ma'am, your desktop, on your computer screen. Can you click on the little blue ‘e’ on your computer screen for me?” Client: “Oh, this is too much work. I’m too upset. Just send me my e-mail. Can’t you send me my e-mail?” Me: “We…okay, ma'am. Can you tell me what color the lights are on your router right now?” Client: “My what?” Me: “The little box with green or possibly a couple of red lights on it right now - it’s most likely near your computer?”

Client: “Lights and boxes, boxes and lights, just get my e-mail for me.

Me: “My test is showing that you should be able to get online right now. Can you tell me what you’re seeing on your computer screen?” Client: “It’s been the same thing for the last two hours.” Me: “An error message?” Client: “No, just stars. It’s black and moving stars.” Me: “…Do you see your mouse next to your keyboard?” Client: “Yes.”

Me: “Move it for me.” Client: “Move it?” Me: “Yes. Move it.” Client: “My e-mail!”

[swiftretribution-blog]

A fun thing to do when people accuse you of “thinking people should just have stuff HANDED TO THEM! ! !” Is to just cold be like yes. I absolutely do believe that. I think every single person should have their needs met unconditionally without ever having to prove that they “deserve” it based on arbitrary criteria of usefulness. You got me. Busted.

[swiftretribution-blog]

I scrolled back as far as I could on the tag for “The Cask of Amontillado” and I still can’t find a single reason why everyone’s posting about it all of the sudden

[swiftretribution-blog]

a msg to u from the dog that finally learned how to give me the dang ball

[swiftretribution-blog]

recent studies reveal that 100% of abortions are performed on people who do not wish to be pregnant and 0% of abortions are performed on conservative republican men

[swiftretribution-blog]

SO APPARENTLY MY ENTIRE LIFE IS A LIE HOW HAS YOUR GUYS’ NIGHT BEEN

[swiftretribution-blog]

reasons to play skyrim:

interspecies and gay marriage is allowed (you can be a lizard guy and marry a werewolf dude if you want)

you can kill things by yelling at them

you can punch bears

you can secretly shove 100 potatoes in someone’s pocket

there are lizard furry porn books scattered all across the place

[swiftretribution-blog]

Thats it.

Thats the show.