sxngjinkai-mp - Tumblr blog

[sxngjinkai-mp]

as giselle predicted and was trying to recreate, that feeling returned. like a zap of lightning but not painful, an itch under his skin reaching to each far corner of his body, surging at the point giselle's fingerpad rested on his wrist. his pulse quickened and he huffed out a breath, shaking his head as the jittering feeling seemed to melt from his legs into the concrete below them. the quickest instance of certain, pulling recognition that sungjin had ever felt. the closest he'd ever been to real family.

"wow," was really all he could muster without more tears brimming at his eyes. he didnt have relatives. sungjin didn't have siblings. nobody ever looked out for him, but this moment has opened new possibilities. this was a chance he couldn't let go, that would be the gravest mistake of his life. "please don't leave," sungjin blurted.

Psyched / Sungjin & Giselle

[sxngjinkai-mp]

the wariness would subside, as sungjin continued to scan and read haoyu's features to find no hint of malice, ill will, something else to justify the alarm bells screaming in his head. nothing. and he was handsome, suave, just simply appealing to sungjin in so many ways, it piqued much more than just his interest. yes, he would write about how handsome haoyu was, and much more. maybe this spontaneity would bring his life the streak of color that felt missing.

"well, uh.." he huffed shyly and brushed his bangs from his eyes. "yeah, i think, we could...go do something. i don't have anything else for the day, so...yeah. sure." he tried to muster a bit of a braver smile, wanting to appear as chill and cool and confident as the other was. "i usually like quieter places, but...i'll go anywhere at least once."

an awkward, forced laugh strangled itself out of his throat, because the man had just pinpointed his next moves exactly. yes, he would absolutely be writing about this later. how strangely enticing and horrifyingly seductive this all was. he crossed and uncrossed his legs, shuffling fingers through his hair, his pen rolling across knuckles. "i'm just-- writing about like-- maternal instinct. when the clouds rolled in, she didn't even glance at the sky but tucked her baby under her coat. like...she knew. i dunno."

"and...yeah, i'll...write about you, probably. i don't know totally what yet. i guess it depends on what else we do or talk about." sungjin wanted nothing more than to come off nonchalant, chill, at ease with this other person, but every cell and fiber in his body was screaming with uncertainty and hesitancy. "nobody...usually talks to me, really."

[sxngjinkai-mp]

it was easy to clock the slight shift in ezra's tone, the new perspective they had just assumed and believed in. the contented sense of completion and successful aid blossomed warmly in sungjin's chest, bringing a small smile to his lips. as he formed his next response to them, he sketched out a small flower that held a sun in the middle, right underneath his drab little comment about his and ezra's mothers.

"don't get me wrong, i know the devastation, the confusion. the gods have godly things to do, or whatever. there's dozens of them up there, and even more of their kids, so how could they ever find the time?" he did his best to believe the words coming from his own mouth, but he didn't- not really. of course those figures were more than busy, but in the decades sung had been alive, psyche couldn't find five minutes? two, even? that explanation was bullshit to him, but he was doing his best to hide that from ezra.

sungjin heaved the guilt into his lungs radiating off ezra and flushed it out in a pinpointed breath, reigniting some old coping mechanisms he hadn't used in awhile-- being alone had that benefit. nobody to seep into his skin, inhabit his soul. "no need to apologize," he began. this time, he had more to say, and he felt organized in his thought pattern for once.

"it's not like you could have known. besides, isn't half the purpose of our lives to just...discover the promises of our heritage? or learn to hone these skills into something useful? regardless, nothing you, or i, or anyone else on this mountain, can be predicted or guessed or assumed. our parentage is far too spread out. too many cultures, too far apart. you can't blame yourself for something you couldn't have possibly begun to piece together."

something sungjin had ended up learning by rote. heoksang had always made sure his boy didn't spend his nights puttering around with "what ifs" or the would've, could've, should've of every interaction he comes by.

"i don't know enough about egyptian pantheons. what's she like? your mother, i mean."

[sxngjinkai-mp]

the ache that came with "i wish i could have saved him" seemed to take permanent residence in the negative space between sungjin's ribs. this was a weight he would begin to carry with him for the next few weeks; this sense of immutability snug in the crevices beside his heart was familiar, but dangerous. this could wrap him whole, but he could keep his head above water too.

"i love the ocean, the beach. one of my favorite places. i don't think anyone gets enough time in the world to tell their loves everything. which is unfortunate, but even if you had a lifetime...something would still feel left behind. no matter how strong a wave or tide is, stones and shells still sink into the sand. things always get left behind. i'm sorry about that...but what do you mean, save him?"

"here," sungjin whispered and passed him a small, travel-sized packet of tissues. he carried them on his person mostly for himself, but it wasn't rare that situations like this happened too. having a moment for himself, sung processed what the other had just said. how interesting it was to be a doppelganger to someone who isn't around anymore. he considered how it might have felt to have a clone of heoksang walking around and then he could envision such a heartache.

"well, regardless of what happened, there will always be parts of your fiance that exist within you. that, fortunately or unfortunately, is how relationships work. is it so heartbreaking to see me because it's a reminder of how they're gone?"

[sxngjinkai-mp]

her response absolutely gutted him. for all he knew, he was a puddle of wet sinew and bone on the floor. she was here, she had fucking been here, and never saw him. never tried, or at least not enough for him to notice. but he had a sister now. someone to certainly call blood, someone to rely on and hopefully, someone who could answer a few questions.

"yeah. and it was...just a feeling i'd never experienced. which, i think you know, is *really* saying something-- i've felt a lot of things. up, down, diagonal, backwards, ya know? it's...a lot. this is a lot."

Psyched / Sungjin & Giselle

[sxngjinkai-mp]

once she confirmed, he visibly relaxed and pushed out a breath he didn't know he was holding. "yeah. yeah, i did. i've never felt anything like that--it scared me at first, to be honest." he scratched the back of his neck, glancing around for a moment. he was avoiding the burning question, the one he's known to ask whenever he had this chance in the palm of his hand. would he ever have this moment again? would he ever see giselle again?

"have you ever talked to mom?"

Psyched / Sungjin & Giselle

[sxngjinkai-mp]

an awkward, forced laugh strangled itself out of his throat, because the man had just pinpointed his next moves exactly. yes, he would absolutely be writing about this later. how strangely enticing and horrifyingly seductive this all was. he crossed and uncrossed his legs, shuffling fingers through his hair, his pen rolling across knuckles. "i'm just-- writing about like-- maternal instinct. when the clouds rolled in, she didn't even glance at the sky but tucked her baby under her coat. like...she knew. i dunno."

"and...yeah, i'll...write about you, probably. i don't know totally what yet. i guess it depends on what else we do or talk about." sungjin wanted nothing more than to come off nonchalant, chill, at ease with this other person, but every cell and fiber in his body was screaming with uncertainty and hesitancy. "nobody...usually talks to me, really."

the way this stranger just sidled right up next to him, becoming far more comfortable next to him than sungjin was okay with. it sent something crawling under his skin, but the itch wasn't noticeable enough for him to care. something was new, shiny, welcoming about this interaction; nobody ever opened themselves up just like that. right here and right now, someone was taking immediate and urgent interest in him-- and he'd be stupid to turn that away.

"yes, it is, but..." he loosened his grip on the notebook for a moment, considering if it would really be so bad to share this with someone for once. maybe it would lessen the fire raging in his heart right now. maybe this could provide a reprieve from the aches of every day existence- someone to share it with. "i write every day. it's part of who i am...right now, i'm writing about the woman and child walking across the street." he gestured with his chin, showing a lady with her cap, scarf and coat on, making sure her baby was bundled close to her chest.

[sxngjinkai-mp]

what were the odds that another godly mother was also fond of leaving her children to human devices? the irony of it all made him roll his eyes and scrawl a few words in the corner of an empty page. "what's meant to happen will absolutely happen. i know nothing about either of my biological parents. foster care and then here. so my mom's name turns up a blank page in my mind." he sighed and considered for a moment how bleak and depressing that was. to never know one's mother.

"if this is all you're meant to know about her...this image of her face...then that's what she's given you. i don't think our parents would let us think differently or poorly of them--they're too stuck up." he snorted. "just...in the way that gods are. knowing they have power and resources and enough rationale to destroy us with a flick of their fingers." his face fell for a moment. what he wouldn't give to have any semblance of what psyche looked like. a smile, a silhouette, something, anything. "don't take that memory for granted." he added quietly.

sungjin heaved the guilt into his lungs radiating off ezra and flushed it out in a pinpointed breath, reigniting some old coping mechanisms he hadn't used in awhile-- being alone had that benefit. nobody to seep into his skin, inhabit his soul. "no need to apologize," he began. this time, he had more to say, and he felt organized in his thought pattern for once.

"it's not like you could have known. besides, isn't half the purpose of our lives to just...discover the promises of our heritage? or learn to hone these skills into something useful? regardless, nothing you, or i, or anyone else on this mountain, can be predicted or guessed or assumed. our parentage is far too spread out. too many cultures, too far apart. you can't blame yourself for something you couldn't have possibly begun to piece together."

something sungjin had ended up learning by rote. heoksang had always made sure his boy didn't spend his nights puttering around with "what ifs" or the would've, could've, should've of every interaction he comes by.

"i don't know enough about egyptian pantheons. what's she like? your mother, i mean."

[sxngjinkai-mp]

the moment giselle confirmed their kinship was the day sungjin's life changed forever.

he had never known family. he never had blood relatives to rely on, never had a fourth cousin twice removed in his back pocket in case something went horribly wrong. there wasn't a secret long-lost relative to claim him when everything went to shit. now...he had something. tears began to well in his eyes but he did his best to keep them away, wanting to maintain his composure and keep this memory pristine.

"i...didn't think i had siblings..." was all he could process at this moment, unsure of what else to say. well, there was certainly one more thing giselle needed to know. "i'm so glad you're here."

Psyched / Sungjin & Giselle

[sxngjinkai-mp]

the way this stranger just sidled right up next to him, becoming far more comfortable next to him than sungjin was okay with. it sent something crawling under his skin, but the itch wasn't noticeable enough for him to care. something was new, shiny, welcoming about this interaction; nobody ever opened themselves up just like that. right here and right now, someone was taking immediate and urgent interest in him-- and he'd be stupid to turn that away.

"yes, it is, but..." he loosened his grip on the notebook for a moment, considering if it would really be so bad to share this with someone for once. maybe it would lessen the fire raging in his heart right now. maybe this could provide a reprieve from the aches of every day existence- someone to share it with. "i write every day. it's part of who i am...right now, i'm writing about the woman and child walking across the street." he gestured with his chin, showing a lady with her cap, scarf and coat on, making sure her baby was bundled close to her chest.

devil by the window

@mphaoyu

sungjin was doing his usual writing. it had been another usual day, with usual people and usual occurrences. how dully cliche! he was literally writing about how bored he was of cliches and how he wanted a new one-- but then it wouldn't be a cliche. how paradoxical. it was a fun chain to try and undo, making new cliches. by definition, by their own design, cliches cannot be new.

he hardly knew what the fates had in store for him today. the inciting incident of something he would never, ever forget-- a series of events that would shape the man he would become five, ten, twenty years down the line. a man to meet who would rock his world, and then tear it apart to its bare skin and bones. someone who would bare his soul to the elements and leave it in the dust.

a shadow approached, then footsteps. someone was standing in his periphery now. leaned over him, his pen, his writing, his notebook. "excuse me," sungjin said, scooting down the bench and away from the stranger. "this is private. can i help you with something?"

[sxngjinkai-mp]

devil by the window

@mphaoyu

sungjin was doing his usual writing. it had been another usual day, with usual people and usual occurrences. how dully cliche! he was literally writing about how bored he was of cliches and how he wanted a new one-- but then it wouldn't be a cliche. how paradoxical. it was a fun chain to try and undo, making new cliches. by definition, by their own design, cliches cannot be new.

he hardly knew what the fates had in store for him today. the inciting incident of something he would never, ever forget-- a series of events that would shape the man he would become five, ten, twenty years down the line. a man to meet who would rock his world, and then tear it apart to its bare skin and bones. someone who would bare his soul to the elements and leave it in the dust.

a shadow approached, then footsteps. someone was standing in his periphery now. leaned over him, his pen, his writing, his notebook. "excuse me," sungjin said, scooting down the bench and away from the stranger. "this is private. can i help you with something?"

[sxngjinkai-mp]

this response was also rather common. 'you're not them,' and 'this isn't on you,' and 'this isn't your business anyway'-- he'd heard it all. "please, don't worry about that. don't apologize. this is what the fates have orchestrated for you and i, and we have to just let that come and go. you're free to tell me as much, or as little as you like, but- i've found before that when you're presented with an opportunity to speak with someone you've lost, to tell them something one more time--it's better to take that opportunity. if you want to tell me about him so i can try and respond like he would, that might help. but whatever efforts and pains you can put in, right here and now with me, you can get peace tenfold returned to you."

he'd vaguely experienced something like this before- the one time heoksang raised his voice, swung his arms, and sungjin retaliated in the only way he knew how: fighting fire with fire. heoksang's demeanor changed, and he said 'sung. i am not the object of your anger, i am not the person who hurt you. but imagine for a moment that i am. tell me what you've always wanted to say to me." so sungjin did. screamed and cried and hit and kicked until he was exhausted. he fell asleep on the living room stairs at seventeen years old, and woke up in his bed the next morning.

"just let me know how i can help."

"here," sungjin whispered and passed him a small, travel-sized packet of tissues. he carried them on his person mostly for himself, but it wasn't rare that situations like this happened too. having a moment for himself, sung processed what the other had just said. how interesting it was to be a doppelganger to someone who isn't around anymore. he considered how it might have felt to have a clone of heoksang walking around and then he could envision such a heartache.

"well, regardless of what happened, there will always be parts of your fiance that exist within you. that, fortunately or unfortunately, is how relationships work. is it so heartbreaking to see me because it's a reminder of how they're gone?"

[sxngjinkai-mp]

for once in his life, it felt like someone was looking out for sungjin out of the kindness of their own heart. besides his foster dad, nobody had done that before. people only cared about sungjin when it benefited them. but here, in this godly place...people were kind. genuine. understanding, compassionate. it was something glorious. something he hadn't realized was possible.

"thank you so much. you're so kind, and i just want the best for tao. everyone i've met here has been so...real. i don't know. just, thank you, i really appreciate it. you definitely haven't seen the last of us." he pressed air out of his nose in a huff, smiling softly. "i think his orange color will offset the blue of the tie nicely. he's a handsome little guy."

the assurance from sundrop made him feel better. he wasn't doing a terrible job. he was doing alright. his little buddy, his best friend now, was just being his goofy, little cat self. tao taking a leap of faith didn't have to end in disaster. sungjin knew he had to take a step back, let tao take the lead on what's best for his little cat body. "thank you," he sighed, not realizing he was holding his breath. sasi's purrs were a calm, welcoming sound.

"that makes me feel a bit better," he smiled politely to sundrop. the box of accessories came his way and his eyes lit up. "oh my goodness, theyre so little," he giggled as he rifled through the items. "can you put this on his collar?" he asked, holding up a small navy blue bowtie.

[sxngjinkai-mp]

he gulped. how was he supposed to interpret the tone of that? was it warm and inviting, ready to welcome him in from cold weather? scornful, ready to breathe fired words of hatred? confusion, wondering how on earth his existence could be?

"yes." was his meek reply. he couldn't find it within himself to lie. as much as he wanted to protect himself, his identity, his feelings-- something about this woman felt essential to his being. so he said yes. "a-are you? i'm...sungjin. kai," he stuttered, bowing quickly in respect.

Psyched / Sungjin & Giselle

[sxngjinkai-mp]

for a moment, sungjin began to wonder why he was approaching the university system at all. true, he had longed for this formal academic validation. it would feel so good to have someone so distinguished read his writing and say anything at all about it, good, bad, ugly, it wouldn't matter. the recognition alone would be mighty and thunderous for him. even this conversation and time spent with the professor was something out of his dreams. would it do any good to be around a bunch of other kids who are just trying to get in and out for that security of a degree? would that let him grow, and mature, become a more fluid and fluent writer? pen and paper were all he knew. letting the words unfurl themselves. would a university class really make that skill more polished?

there was no other way to find out than to do exactly that.

"not many people read the things i write, they're...mine, you know? but i've always wanted to write and work on a university level, and i...think i could pick some that are a little less personal, and emotional. some of it is...a lot."

the words *past education* seemed to haunt sungjin as he toddled down the hallway to a vending machine. what did he have to show for himself? nothing official. nothing guaranteed. just the complexities of his own mind, just the skills he'd un-rusted himself. he taught himself so many things, sungjin had forgotten that adults were supposed to do that for him when he was a child. he made his selection of a sweet, sticky bun for himself and a packet of lace almond cookies for Arawn.

sungjin had to figure out what he could say for himself to prove he was worth the headmaster's time. he was running out of split seconds as each of his footsteps brought him closer to the classroom. perhaps his rambling would take over just in time, like it always did. sungjin stepped through the threshold.

"hi, i got some waters and a pack of cookies for you. i hope these are okay." he smiled and set them down in front of arawn. "so...what do you want to know?"

[sxngjinkai-mp]

"here," sungjin whispered and passed him a small, travel-sized packet of tissues. he carried them on his person mostly for himself, but it wasn't rare that situations like this happened too. having a moment for himself, sung processed what the other had just said. how interesting it was to be a doppelganger to someone who isn't around anymore. he considered how it might have felt to have a clone of heoksang walking around and then he could envision such a heartache.

"well, regardless of what happened, there will always be parts of your fiance that exist within you. that, fortunately or unfortunately, is how relationships work. is it so heartbreaking to see me because it's a reminder of how they're gone?"

do you get deja vu?

@vulpe-mp

the glass jar in his bag seemed to clink louder with each step sungjin took. as if he were carrying contraband, the telltale heart of resonating glass grew louder, the beat ringing in his ears. but this was not contraband, this was perfectly allowed, and he put his things down before plopping under the shade of a tree. mount phoenix’s central park was more picturesque than anything sungjin had seen before; he constantly found himself in awe at sunset and sunrise. it had quickly become a favorite journaling spot, and as the sun began to sink on another day at mount phoenix, sungjin cracked open his glass jar of sickening liquor, a small smile settled on his face. maybe this could truly become a home for him; maybe things would really be okay. another someone had entered the same space as sungjin, and he cocked an eyebrow at them as they seemed to wander rather aimlessly--but he said nothing, just watched.

[sxngjinkai-mp]

he felt so silly, but only for a moment. something about arawn was wholly soothing, a gentle blanket covering his shivering frame. he shoved the foil packets in his pockets. he walked one or two paces behind the professor, watching the pup trot ahead happily, hardly stopping to see if sungjin and arawn were following.

"well..." he thought for a moment, considered what he had to show for himself. "i don't really have any kind of official records for anything. i bounced around as a kid, my foster dad did the best he could for me." he sighed, missing heoksang deeply. "writing and reading were, and are, my best skills. i was ran through basic math, science, geography, humanities. but i was always writing. short stories first, then i got into prose and poetry. dad- i mean heoksang-- said it was some of the best he'd ever read."

"i won a couple contests and scholarships as i got older, but the scholarships i never got to use. i just...wish i'd had access to more. i want to read and talk about so much more. there's more for me to discover and...i don't know where else to go."

the words *past education* seemed to haunt sungjin as he toddled down the hallway to a vending machine. what did he have to show for himself? nothing official. nothing guaranteed. just the complexities of his own mind, just the skills he'd un-rusted himself. he taught himself so many things, sungjin had forgotten that adults were supposed to do that for him when he was a child. he made his selection of a sweet, sticky bun for himself and a packet of lace almond cookies for Arawn.

sungjin had to figure out what he could say for himself to prove he was worth the headmaster's time. he was running out of split seconds as each of his footsteps brought him closer to the classroom. perhaps his rambling would take over just in time, like it always did. sungjin stepped through the threshold.

"hi, i got some waters and a pack of cookies for you. i hope these are okay." he smiled and set them down in front of arawn. "so...what do you want to know?"