syazanalog

[syazanalog]

a complex me

i am feeling a little down today. maybe because im nearing my menses. or maybe im just tired. of so many responsibilities. they say with great power comes great responsibility, but power - i dont have, so why do my responsibilities feel so heavy. my voice wasnt heard, and im seen as an emotional person, people dont like me, and me them. i dont even know what im saying. my mind feels like im in someplace dry and dusty. and all i can feel is the dust and the sun. my mouth doesnt feel good. like something is stuck in my throat. i am tired of playing this game. i am tired to play pretend. i dont know what is wrong with me. but one thing is true, i am the bad person. always.

[syazanalog]

hello again, june

and in june, i write. looking back at my blogs i lost the whole year of 2024 because i did not document any! funny thing is i started journalling but my journals are everywhere and i dont remember when did i last pick up my pen and write. now june is here, syazana jak-ka is here.

i originally intended to write my new post on first june but i was watching two dramas and missed my timing and it is now second of june, right at 12:19 am. 나야, 뭐, i am doing fine. eh, i think i am doing really great in the past year. my thirty was and is exhilarating and i tried so many things! i started crocheted around one year ago, then i picked up knitting, and i recently just finished sewing my first skirt ever! i really enjoy handmaking and i hope to find more time doing things i like. but with that, comes my weight gain as well. i couldnt believe my eyes when i checked my weight and i am ten kilos heavier than i use to be last year. so i guess, my new resolution - and the most in priority one is - to lose weight!

oh ok i have to jot this down as well. because i think this is another big thing i did recently. yknow, me as a person, dont like people that much. and me as a woman, i dont like many guys. i did have crushes during school and uni but for me to really like "like" a guy is a rare occasion. and there is one guy i met three years ago at a friend's wedding who kept popping out in my head. the day i met him, i thought he's too good for me and with me he will be at the losing end. but strangely enough three years later, his name keeps crossing my mind for whatever reason and i thought hm maybe i should slide into his dm. i know this is cringe. i am this old thirty y/o woman. what am i doing. but anyway.

i dm-ed him, asking if he's single and if he was would he like to get to know each other. and i waited for his reply. and i waited literally the whole day. that day was a miserable one because in my mind i had made a huge mistake. and turned out, i really did a huge mistake. he said he's not single. so yeah, thats that. why do i think this is a big thing? well never in my life, i've told anyone i like them, not even family or friends - well, except syifaa but she's special because she's my baby cousin. so, though i failed quite miserably i, thought i was mistaken for a moment - thinking i'd had a change, i am proud of myself for pulling such thing! and this deserve to be documented here. anyway, i dont know if i have fully moved on and accepted it but i can wish both of us find happiness in our own path and way.

and now, i have about two weeks before i turn thirty one. it sounds scary to be thirty one, but i pray all is going to be well. and for this years june i will try my very best to blog more often and hopefully eventually i will be able to blog regularly!

[syazanalog]

Can Someone Love That Much?

I just got back from my short vacation and I keep thinking about this question since this morning when I saw a few couples eating breakfast together in their bare morning face looking kinda jaded. The question is, can someone love someone else that much? Despite the bare face? Despite having to live together? Despite having things you don't like about each other? Can love be so strong that all those don't matter? Can love last long with time?

Then, when I came home, I went to watch Lovely Runner where the main guy fell in love with the main girl when he saw her for the first time in the rain. Heck, I don't know if this is possible in real life? Then I saw another drama called Queen of Tears where the main couple love each other despite their problems and challenges. Is this possible? Is love always going to be forever? Won't it fade?

How do two persons not get sick of each other? Is love that powerful? Or is it not actually love, but a sense of belonging, or the responsibilities to maintain the relationship you started, or is it the fear of being alone? I don't understand and it's so frustrating that I can't understand. It's frustrating to not know if I would understand, or if I would get what love even means. Is it only me left clueless while all other people have no issue comprehending love? Can love stay? Can two people love each other limitless, without an expiry date? Can people not be sick of each other? Can we love someone despite their shortfall? Can someone love us despite our shortfalls? Can someone love someone else that much?

[syazanalog]

Goodbye Twenty Twenty-Three

It is now less than four hours before midnight. 2023 feels so short to me. So many things happened throughout the year, and it's kinda overwhelming for me to recap everything in this post. My brain kinda sucks in remembering things too, I forgot what happened not even in Jan but Nov? Let me go through my Gcal hoping to find some clue on what happened throughout this year. Ok, I can't get any clue. LOL.

I'll just write down what happened based on my photo gallery, though I don't take many pictures this year. New goals - take a lot of pictures in 2024! and videos, too!

Here goes:

January 2023

Started my year reading Purification of the Heart by Hamza Yusuf (I must say 2023 was the year I read a lot, hope to bring this habit into 2024)

Went to Pokok KL - I think for the first time - with my brother & sister

Bought a lot of Oreo Matcha cookies from The Skinny Bakers

Strolled around KL area with my parents & brosis - went to Pasar Seni, Petaling Street, took LRT to SOGO.

February 2023

Signed up for Bondee because it was soooo cute. I think I only used it for one week tho lol

Tried D'Homecooked for the first time & I fall in love immediately <3 Their nasi kandar is sooo good but Taman Melawati is soooo far away

Made my first step to jog around MK area - end up it was the first and the last.

Went to Van Gogh exhibition in Pavilion Bukit Jalil with Eri and her friends. I was sooo fun!

March 2023

Went to The Powderuum color consultation - probably the highlight of my year. I love the sesh so so so much I wish I can relive the session haha it was that fun figuring out my own colors <3 Turned out I'm a bright/warm spring gurl

Went to Jaja's wedding

Went back home to celebrate Abah's birthday

Went to MATTA fair for the first time

Went to Watsons K-Festival at Sentul Depot

Had my first Ramadan in KL, again. Tried going to masjid (alone) for the first two nights of Ramadan but I don't think it's for me. I had the best Ramadan this year, I pray my 2024 Ramadan will be better. Can't wait for it!

April 2023

Not so much happened, but a lot happened - lol dunno how to explain this. I didn't do a lot of worldly things, I solely focused on spiritual things this Ramadan. Alhamdulillah, managed to wake up for tahajjud on most nights and Alhamdulillah managed to improve my tajweed too.

Celebrated Raya in Pasir Mas. Little did I know this was my last raya with my grandfather on my mum's side :( and we were there only for one day. But, Alhamdulillah we took a lot of pictures with arwah.

May 2023

Went back to KL.

Visited Islamic Art Museum with my sister

Fell in love with Emma's cats!!!!

Had a reunion with my KE girls!

Celebrated Raya with my colleagues

June 2023

Started June by going to Shaikha Haifa Younis' talk!

Celebrated Raya with my AAPlus sisters in Bukit Jelutong. I met so many beautiful souls!

Had my birthday brunch at Mukha, and later on had some dessert from Kenny Hills.

Mom and dad came to KL to pick up my sister for her sem break. We went around UM and took some photos.

Drove back with my sister to Perak, at night! Bcs her flight was late.

July 2023

Sent my sis back to Sarawak from Penang Airport

Visited Pantain Esen with my bro on the way back from Penang Airport

Had a brunch with Leeqs and Dils at YBR, Damansara.

Finally went back to office after so long - we had a meeting in Sbucks (I'm boycotting it now)

Had my first training (yes, I'm one of the trainers)

August 2023

Went to Al-Attas book's launch. Loveeee the event! Loveeee his talks. I wish I were more interested in his works earlier tho.

Had brunch at Ikea with mommy and went to shopping in Kedah for her retirement tudung.

Had a second training session, in Penang, to a large group of people! Couldn't make it to my mom's retirement because they changed the date same to my training date :(

Started looking for a new apartment because my sister was going to live with me.

Went to embroidery workshop for the first time!

Jogged in Taiping for the first time after so long! I miss the times when I lived with my parents.

September 2023

Traveled to Sabah with my whole department. We stayed in Rasa Ria Shang-Ri La! Alhamdulillah saw Sabah's sunset & Aki Nabalu <3

October 2023 (OMG SO MANY THINGS HAPPENED IN OCT)

Move out from AMK to IMK - this new apartment is more expensive but comfier and feels safer to live. Moving out was so tiring, and it's more tiring when your bank account is crying blood. Had to buy everything myself - fridge, washing machine, dinner table, bed, everything. Felt so burnt out from everything - work, life, financial.

Went to Al-Attas' talk for the second time. This time in UM. Previously in PWTC.

Started working with external client and I had to commute at least 2 hrs a day. I hate hate hate hate this arrangement so much. Sometimes I had to leave the client's office so late I only reach home at almost 10pm :( I truly hate this kind of arrangement.

Downloaded TikTok because I want to watch Emma's cats go on live lol

November 2023

Working on on-site arrangements continues. I hate it so much but I can't afford to quit now because I had so many commitments.

Met Jua before her wedding

Tried Moom Health <3

My grandfather passed away on 18 November. Went back to Kelantan with my sister.

Started to feel tired of everything.

December 2023

Had company's annual dinner, not fun. The feeling of burning out got intensified. I hated everything.

Mom and dad came to KL. We celebrated my mom's birthday at Chef Wan's. I felt better.

Went to Turkiye with my parents. Alhamdulillah I enjoyed the trip. Saw so many beautiful places in Turkiye. I felt better though my body is no longer as adventurous as I once was lol.

Went to Jua's wedding. Met Syasya after so looong!

Had covid for the first time

Went to Whimsigirl's puzzle session. I fall in love in puzzle again but they are SO expensive!

Went to KLCG before they closed.

Went to Oriental Kopi today.

Now that I look back at my year, there are so many first times that I did this year. Alhamdulillah for the ups, Alhamdulillah for the downs. Alhamdulillah for the healthy days, Alhamdulillah for the sick days. Alhamdulillah for the laughs and smiles, Alhamdulillah for the cries and sadnesses. Alhamdulillah for the love, Alhamdulillah for the heartbreaks. Alhamdulillah for the adventures, Alhamdulillah for the stillnesses. Alhamdulillah for every memory, for every breathe, for every heartbeat. Alhamdulillah for the lessons. Alhamdulillah for everything that happened. Alhamdulillah for everything that did not happen. Alhamdulillah.

[syazanalog]

in the darkest hours

woke up and the world was dark though the sun had made its mark,

the crowds were too loud, heads shrouded,

alone in front of the mirror thinking,

"it is just another tear",

the day is now gone but there is still fear,

glows is the moon, stars in the sky,

no light just fright

[syazanalog]

One thing I miss

One thing I miss is going on a trip and taking a lot of pictures (ok maybe those are two things instead). The last overseas vacation before covid hit us was Thailand and there are a few domestic trips with my family circa 2020-2022. I love Malaysia and all the places I visited in Malaysia but I've been missing to travel overseas. Currently, I'm still low on funds but I hope I can go somewhere next year. I wanted to go to so many places but other than funds my problem is travel buddy/ies. To be honest, it is much faster/more convenient to travel solo, but I don't know if I can do that anymore. I'm not as adventurous as in my early twenties and I'm much more of a scaredly cat now. 2 years without overseas traveling does make me afraid of doing that alone. Yeah so I need to find someone who is willing to travel with me and I am definitely not a fun person to be traveling with lol. Next on my travel list is Japan. I almost went to Japan before covid but I was too anxious to go there alone without knowing any Japanese so I went to Korea instead (hence the picture). Other than Japan, I really want to go to Morroco or Greece, but there are expensive EXPENSIVE so I probably won't be able to visit ever. Anyway, my point for this post is I miss traveling. That's it, bye!

[syazanalog]

Birthdays

For years I firmly believed that my birthday is the most important day in my life, and it has to be celebrated by everyone around me to indicate that they love me, so only then I can be happy. It was quite fun when I was young up to my early twenties because I had a lot of friends (and online friends) who would wish me lovely birthday wishes and bought me cakes and presents. But then as I grow up the wishes, the gifts, everything, went away. And even if I received wishes, I would have thought it was just out of courtesy, not really out of love.

I think one of the main reasons is me; I am bad at maintaining relationships and keeping in touch with my friends so I am kinda being forgotten by everyone and no one even cares for me, let even my birthdays anymore. In the last few years, I would get so sad and almost depressed every time my birthday was coming closer, because I truly believed no one cared about me anymore. I always questioned and blamed myself for being this complex and weird and unlovable being. Ultimately, these thoughts led me to hate "birthdays".

But then, this year, as I'm approaching my birthday, which will be in two days, I thought I would feel sad and depressed because, again, I know, no one really cares about my birthday. Surprisingly, there is no sadness, I just feel... calm? I, myself, found this situation weird. Why am I not sad? I should be sad. I should be crying. I should be thinking no one loves me. I don't know why and how I hear this thought, but I just don't feel sad/bad/mad about myself anymore. I tried so so hard to make myself feel bad, but I just don't?

It's like, I'm okay if no one remembers me. It's okay if no one celebrates my birthday. It's okay if I don't get any presents on my birthday. I am okay. I am blessed with so many things already. The abundance of blessings granted to me is a lot and I think it is ungrateful of me to ask for more. I feel like there are much much more important things in life for people to think about rather than my birthday. I don't know what is this newly-found feeling? Is this maturity? Is this what happens to you when you are in your thirties?

Sure, it is nice if someone celebrates me and I love to see people celebrating their days, and I'd love to celebrate my loved ones too; but I don't know, I just feel I am okay without it. I hope this feeling is not bad for me, though. And usually; if I were the younger me, I would end this post with asking "What if I would end up miserable forever?" but not this time. Why should I feel miserable?

Don't get me wrong, I do love love love birthdays. I think it's the greatest blessing for me to be born. Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah. And I am so grateful that my family and friends were born too, so I get to meet them and crossed paths with them. But, I have so much love in my life and I have so many things I need to do to feel miserable over my uncelebrated birthdays, lol. And one more thing, as an awkward introverted human, I am now super grateful for my quiet birthdays!

[syazanalog]

The Light, The Feeling

They say life goes on, and it's true, so I don't want to miss out on every single opportunity given to me; the time that Allah blesses me with, this breath, this feeling, this light, these beautiful souls He sent to me, this knowledge, this path. As I go on this path, my iman sometimes goes up, sometimes down - for I am a mere human, who does not escape from sinning. As I walk through this path, I feel a lot of feelings but most importantly I feel so alive. It's like there is always Light guiding me back, calling me to my True Love, Allah. I see this Light lit within every soul, every creature, everything. Wherever I stand in the darkness of dunya, I am forever grateful for this Light to keep coming to me.

Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah. I truly have nothing to say but Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah, for the blessing is way too big for this sinning me. And the biggest Alhamdulillah in my life is for Rasulullah. He SAW is indeed the rahmatan lil 'alamin. How dumb was I to not see this earlier. How arrogant was I to know Rasulullah and not love him. Of so many glories that Allah blesses me with in this dunya, me finding this path, me finding this Love, me finding this Light, is the only treasure I hope to bring close to my heart forever, with all my might.

In the end, this dunya will feel like a fleet and we will return to the land of forever. And in the end, I want to meet my True Love, Allah, and His beloved Rasulullah and His beloved souls. I keep reminding myself that I can't miss every single moment in this dunia to do things that will not contribute to my well-beings in the akhirah. There are so many signs of Allah's Greatness, of the Truth, of how Magnificent He is, of His Light; and I pray that I will always be aware of these clear signs. I pray that I will always be the seeker of Light, in my wake, in my rest, in my brightest days, in my hardest moments, in my happiest events, in my gloomiest hours. I pray that I will always be those among who reflect this Light. I pray that I always remember that there's no one closer to me but Allah. For He says:

"Indeed, ˹it is˺ We ˹Who˺ created humankind and ˹fully˺ know what their souls whisper to them, and We are closer to them than ˹their˺ jugular vein." -- Qaf 50:16

I pray that I will always feel this thrill of Love, this feeling of being truly alive. I am feeling it now, I pray that I will feel it forever.

[syazanalog]

Precious Things

누구를 위해 누군가 기도하고 있나 봐. This is the first line in IU's Love Poem which translate into "I guess someone is praying for someone". I already thought this line is so beautiful the first time I listen to Love Poem because I think it is true that there's always someone who prays for others. Yesterday I saw a tweet that says "You are where you are now because of someone's prayer for you" and, how true.

I think Allah is so Merciful that He places me in someone's mind to make them pray for me, and I think Allah's Mercy is so wide that He puts someone in my mind too for me to make dua for them. These whispers we made for others, witnessed by The Witness, are so precious, too precious. If anyone asks me what is the gift I want the most, I would instantly say dua. I used to cringe when people say 'I ask nothing from you but dua", and now I don't even understand why is that cringe? Subhanallah, Alhamdulillah. I am so grateful that I get to see how precious dua is, dua is just too powerful! And you know what is more awesome than that? Every dua will never be a waste! If Allah does not grant it in this dunya, for Allah knows what is best for us, our dua will be answered in the akhirah with much much huge benefits for us, unimaginable!

Now, whenever someone crosses my mind, I would make dua for them. I'm not an expressive person, I can't express myself well, and I don't show my affection towards people around me, but I have my duas for them <3 and for me, duas are definitely much much more than love poems.

[syazanalog]

What Does It Mean To Write Again?

It's June. In June my "writer" persona emerges, and this tickling feeling to write surges to the surface. By no means am I a writer, by no means am I good at writing. What I meant by "writer" or I should probably say "blogger" instead, is this feeling of creating something in written forms, that are blog posts. I used to write blog posts when I was a teenager but then as I get busier and life felt more adult, I didn't have time to sit and write things. I do write in my journal and I occasionally rant on Twitter but I am an avid tweets deleter and I often find my tweets (and also writings) cringe a few seconds after I posted them but I hope whatever I post here I won't delete.

Initially, I set up this new blog to dump my photos but it looks boring without words and letters so I intend to recourse this blog a little bit and turn this into my another-new-blog-that-i-probably-will-abandon-but-i-really-hope-not. Anyway, as I mentioned, in June, I do feel like writing things and I think it's because as I'm closer to my birthday I feel more emotional I want to have a platform or space that is online but not online. You know what I mean? Like, here is an online platform but no one would see this without searching, unlike social media. If I post things on social media, friends and families who follow me would see whatever things I upload. But here, there is no socializing, while the content is still public and will not get flown to anyone's feed by algorithm, or whatsoever. It's like I want to be seen but I kinda don't want to be seen?

I intend to update this blog once a week instead of randomly, with the hopes that consistency will help me not to abandon this blog like many other blogs I had. And, well, I do not know who will ever stumble upon this blog, but if you, the one reading, know me in real life, please pretend like you don't. My introverted self will delete this blog if I know someone I know knows of this blog. I don't think anyone still uses Tumblr so the chance is probably zero anyway.