sydv1cious

[sydv1cious]

𝐃𝐄𝐀𝐑   𝐃𝐈𝐀𝐑𝐘    ,     i  hate  my  hair.       i  look  in  the  mirror  and  it  looks  like  some  pathetic  combination  between     uncooked  ramen  and  a  bird’s  nest.     i  haven’t  really  been  taking  care  of  it  and  this  is  what  i  get    ,    i  guess.      it’s  all  dry  and  tangled  and  looking  at  it  for  too  long    ,    it  feels  like  there’s  feathers  being  brushed  against  the  lining  of  my  stomach.    ever  since  dad  died    ,     i’ve  just  given  up  on  it   ---    on  everything.      i  tried  doing  it  myself  ;   smothering  it  with  coconut oil    ,     washing  it    ,    and  hoping  for  the  best.     but     ,    as  you  could’ve  guessed    ,    it’s  still  all    gross  and  mangled     and  worse  off  than  it  was  before.

i  probably  should’ve  asked  my  mom  to  help  me    ,     but  i  can’t  really  stand  talking  to  her  these  days.   *     she’s  been  a  major  bitch  lately.    when  she  does  my  hair    ,     it’s  perfect  every  time.    don’t ask me how.     it’s  always  shiny  and  sleek  and  my  curls  always  turn  out  neat.     i  don’t  know  how  she  does  it;      probably  some  weird  mom  magic     ,     like  how  she  never  flinches  when  she’s  frying  bacon  or  ignores  the  scorching  burn  of  the  curling  iron  on  her  fingertips.     i  try  to  follow  every  step  she does     ,      use  the  same  products    ---    but  it  always  turns  out  shitty  when  i  do  it.    i  always  told  her  that  i’d  like  it  better  if  she’d  let  me  wear  it straight    ,     but  she’s  pretty  adamant  about  leaving  my  hair  the  way  it  grows:     sprouting  brown  corkscrews  and  flyaways  from  my  scalp.     that’s  life    ,    i  guess.

i  got  so  fed  up  with  it  this  morning  that  i     hacked  away     with  it  all  using  a  pair  of  scissors  that  i  found  in  the  medicine  cabinet.   i’m  not  gonna  lie    ,   the  crisp  sound  of  the  shears  slicing  through  all  that  dead  hair  was  pretty  satisfying.      seeing  it  all  laying  at  my  feet  felt  good.      best  of  all    ,    i  felt  lighter    ,      better  than  i  had  in  weeks.   it’s  short  now    ---     really   short   ,    chopped  down  to  my  ears.     i  forgot  what  they  looked like.     the  only  problem  now  is  that  i  look  like  a  scrawny  boy.     just  like  liam     but  with  more  height  and  less  baby  fat  in  my  face.    my  mom  freaked  over  it  and  yelled  at  me  for  a  while    ,    but  i  figured       it’s  my  hair    ,   anyway.      it’s  not  like  she’s  the  one  that  has  to  go  around  wearing  it.    it’ll  grow  back   eventually.  

[sydv1cious]

𝒂⃨ 𝒃⃨ 𝒄⃨  𝒅⃨ 𝒆⃨ 𝒇⃨  𝒈⃨ 𝒉⃨ 𝒊⃨𝒋⃨ 𝒌⃨ 𝒍⃨ 𝒎⃨ 𝒏⃨ 𝒐⃨ 𝒑⃨ q 𝒓⃨ 𝒔⃨ 𝒕⃨ 𝒖⃨ 𝒗⃨ 𝒘⃨ x 𝒚⃨ 𝒛⃨

[sydv1cious]

ASK BOX:

confrontation meme

❛  i  overheard your conversation   ❜   todd, violet ❛  are we    team   mates  now?      ❜ veronica ❛ who do you think you are? ❜  Steve  ❛ how did you find out? ❜   simon  ❛ so, you aren’t coming back ?   ❜  kate ❛ tell me why you did it! ❜ deena ‘  did  you  read  it  yet?  ’ acacia ‘  why  are  you  yelling?  ’ acacia ‘  haven’t  you  said  enough?  ’ acacia

old memes

“  something had made your eyes go cold.  ” acacia “  are monsters born or created ?  ” acacia “ i’m fine, i’ve had worse. ” theo “ you can talk to me, or not talk to me, but i’m here. ” neil “ you don’t want me and i need to accept that. ” stanley “ everybody knows that i’m a mess. ” lux “ am i a bad person ? ” neil  “  we’ll never be those kids again.  ” dina “  wow.  you’re a dick.  ” dan “  am i a bad person ?  ” abra “  i’m sorry i let you down.  ” todd “  what doesn’t kill me better run.  ”  charlotte “  if he puts his hands on you, cut them off.  ” roza “  you can talk to me, or not talk to me, but i’m here.  ” roza “  i am being perfectly fucking civil.  ” deena “  kind words cost nothing.  ” renton  “ wow.  you’re a dick.  ” renton

[sydv1cious]

TO BE READ:     trainspotting, crime and punishment, the catcher in the rye, it, catch - 22, slaughterhouse - five, american psycho. 

TO - DO:     carrd, re - do tags, clean up sideblog, revamp pinterest, writing inspo blog, spotify & playlists.  clear & organize ask box ... um , write. 

METAS:     brownsville, pa, family dynamics, childhood, diary.

[sydv1cious]

LITERARY INSPO   ///  COMPLETED READS

doctor  sleep     -      purpose     :       character inspiration, foundation for character development and the source for lore / powers.

themes / motifs:       overcoming addiction, righting the wrongs of your past / not letting the past define your present self, facing one’s fears  takeaway:      overall a decent narrative; not something to look to for prose inspiration, but poses as something of a glossary and a point of reference for sydney and her powers. after finishing the book, i had a clearer idea of exactly what sydney was capable of and was able to lay out her abilities in much more detail in comparison to abra. in terms of character inspiration, there are many similarities between sydney and dan’s younger self. 

reread   ?    yes, for the sake of the development of dynamics or for a more in - depth look at she shine for further understanding. 

carrie     -       purpose      :      character inspiration, an observation of the shine from a different perspective / era, the utilization of symbolism and motifs. 

themes / motifs:       biblical themes, blood, bullying, pig’s blood, the supernatural / the unexplained  takeaway:      an excellent book; short and straight to the point, but a good example of the descent into ‘ madness ’ and the hunger pains of vengeance. this will more than likely be my primary inspiration in terms of the execution the shine through writing (versus how i use doctor sleep for a more theoretically). carrie’s explicit humanity contrasted with her constant dehumanization from her mother and peers alike truly encapsulates the feeling of isolation and the loneliness that she felt. ‘forgive but never forget’ is a good take away - as carrie was willing to let go of the past in the place of acceptance, but it was short lived. this moment was not about carrie’s peers giving her a chance, a taste of normalcy, but rather their last chance to prove their humanity and kindness to her, which they inevitably failed.   reread   ?    a thousand times over. even if st*phen k*ng is fucking nasty.  

the  secret  history     -      purpose      :       black comedy inspiration / delivery , writing style. 

themes / motifs:      envy, guilt, isolation, manipulation, social class, and the link between beauty and terror. takeaway:      not my favorite book, but i’m blown away nonetheless by tartt’s attention to detail and her dedication to her craft. she implements the elements of her inspirations of the greek tragedy, as well as elements of the great gatsby and even draws inspiration from dostoevsky’s crime and punishment ( a favorite book of mine ). i’m fond of the characters and the group’s dynamic as a whole. unexpectedly, i did find myself amused the further into the book i got as the absurdism grows the closer the reader gets to the climax, and she pulled off the humor effortlessly.  reread   ?    yes, for genre’s sake, and because it’s a fun book in spite of its faults.  

the  goldfinch      -       purpose      :      first person perspective, prose and vocabulary, use of motifs, the representation of mental illness 

themes / motifs:      before and after, why do bad things happen to good people?, we can’t help who we are, loss of parents / gaining parental figures , coping with grief, the meeting point between life and reality  takeaway:       one of my favorite; the themes and elements of the story tie together seamlessly toward the end of the book. not only is the writing excellent, but the characters feel real and personable. so many of the conflicts that theo deals with are almost identical to what sydney has in the aftermath of the passing of her father, including the feeling of guilt or direct responsibility for their parents’ respective deaths. 

reread   ?   yes, not only for my own enjoyment, but because this book is rich with inspiration to pull from a million times over. 

sharp  objects     -     purpose      :     first person perspective, writing style, study of mother - daughter relationships & the representation of mental illness

themes / motifs:      harmful coping mechanisms , the urge to communicate what cannot be spoken aloud; a cry for help that goes unheard and unseen / small - town horror.  takeaway:      talk about blind - spots.  the inability to see what’s right in front of you; the unsuspecting. i saw the show beforehand, so i knew what to expect going in. i visited this book specifically for the first - person perspective provided and to dig a litttle further into the themes of the stories. in some ways, sydney has things in common with both camille and amma, so it’s easy to draw inspiration from both characters, if need be, but not a lot.   reread   ?    maybe; i feel like i’ve gotten all i’ve needed out of this book, but i’d come back to it maybe as a refresher for the elements that i look for in sydney. 

 we  need  to  talk  about  kevin     -     purpose     :     first person perspective; unreliable narrator, mother - child relationships

themes / motifs:     the american dream / the deconstruction of the ideal nuclear family / happiness in marriage tropes / “a pet that bites”  takeaway:     like sharp objects, i looked into this book specifically for a look into mother / child relationships, but found myself drawn to the aspect of the unreliable narrator.  the there’s tension between mother and child, and then the matter of perception on behalf of the mother, eva. the question being is everything she’s saying to be believed? it’s obvious that her perspective is skewed from the beginning, as she claimed an infant had a vendetta against her from birth. even after we’re shown who kevin truly is, could the way he turned out have been differentt had his mother shown him the love and care she should have in their developmental years?  reread   ?    probably not. i feel like i’ve walked away with everything i needed the first time. 

the  metamorphosis     -     purpose     :     TBA !

themes / motifs:    TBA ! takeaway:    TBA  ! reread   ?    TBA  !

speak     -     purpose     :     TBA !

themes / motifs:   TBA ! takeaway:   TBA  ! reread   ?    TBA  !

[sydv1cious]

MOTIFS.

VOID      -     01.     not valid or legally binding;     02.     a completely empty space;     03.      discharge or drain away;     04.      a suit in which a player is dealt no cards.

synonyms:  abandoned, without, blank, vacuum, lacuna, hole, cavity, chasm, abyss, nihility  antonyms: adequate, validate, ratify, sufficient, enough 

why ?

BLACK HOLE      -     01.     a region of space having a gravitational field so intense that no matter or radiation can escape;     02.     a place where people or things, especially money, disappear without trace.

synonyms:  supernova, great void, theoretical mass, abyss,  antonyms:  -

why ?

SPACE / COSMOS      -      01.     the universe seen as a well-ordered whole;     02.      a system of thought;     03.     the universe.

synonyms: universe, galaxy, macrocosm, the heavens, the firmament, infinity, all existence. antonyms:  -

why ?

EXPLOSIONS       -      01.       a violent and destructive shattering or blowing apart of something, as is caused by a bomb;      02.       a violent expansion in which energy is transmitted outward as a shock wave;      03.      a sudden outburst of something such as noise, light, or violent emotion, especially anger.

synonyms: eruption, detonation, outburst, spasm, spate, boutade, burgeoning, paroxysm antonyms: implosion, nonfeasance, dereliction, insolvency

why ?

[sydv1cious]

Undersong, ‘Need: A Chorale for Black Woman Voices’ (1979, 1989) by Audre Lorde

[ID: I am wary of need that tastes like destruction.]