sylsdiary

[sylsdiary]

4/27/25

Senior day just happened! So many sweet gifts and words. I got 2 assists today! Also, I forgot to make a post about scoring on VT at nationals. I hope I never forget that feeling or the feelings from today :’)

[sylsdiary]

1/26/25

Yesterdys was my little bday game night party and it was SO FUNNNN everyone had such a good time it made me so happy to see everyone laughing and enjoying the games. I am so grateful that I have such great friends and have made a lot of new ones!! Vie came which was awesome and I’m looking forward to getting to know her more and the other dettas. We played until almost 2am and it was such a blast literally my dream bday celebration. Love love love love love

[sylsdiary]

11/23/24

Fall nationals just ended and we lost 0-1 against GWU but it was a really good fight all weekend and I had fun.

[sylsdiary]

7/30/25

I got my job offer today!

[sylsdiary]

7/5/24 2:05am (French time)

My anxious thoughts about R:

What if he’s falling out of love because I’ve been so annoying and get so many mood swings?

What if he still loves his ex?

What if he’s not attracted to me?

Is he just using me as a rebound?

Do I love him more than he loves me?

Now, “what would you say to your best friend?”

1. You haven’t been annoying. Stop don’t say that. Everything youve been upset about has been valid. Cooking for another girl? Valid. Not putting in effort? Valid. Anything beyond those things, you’ve apologized! And all the small things you only got frustrated with because of other bigger circumstances that are all understandable. If he doesn’t have the patience to still love you through these very valid and understandable situations, he 100% doesn’t deserve you and you wouldn’t wanna be with someone like that. I know you’re thinking “But I think I’m the problem…”. You’re not a problem. You are not a problem!!! You are a human with real human emotions and experiences who deserves empathy kindness and love while dealing with those emotions. Again, if he cannot offer you those then you do not want to be with him. And also, he has given you all of that! He has. He’s been very kind every time you’ve needed to talk and has never been angry at you for needing to feel your emotions. So yes, if he doesn’t want to be nice to you while you feel your emotions then good riddance but that’s not the case! So no need to stress about it. I know sometimes you’re thinking but like what if he gets fed up with it?? Ok girl what if!!! What if a meteor strikes earth rn. Like what if! (The answer to that first question is this: You would be better off without him and you’d go off and live your bad bitch single 21 year old life da fuq)

2. I know that’s hard. That’s really hard. But you know that is not your business! That thought does not deserve real estate in your head. There’s nothing that you can ever ever ever do to win against that thought. Simply don’t give it attention. It’s an irrational anxiety thought! When that thought comes up tell yourself “He has chosen to be with me. Anything outside of that is none of my business”

3. Gorllluhhhhhh. Not attracted to you??? That’s rlly illogical. Like actually fr that’s rlly not logical. I know you’re thinking ugh but what abt how we don’t have a lot of sex or what about that one time he was soft. Sex drive is really different for some ppl and also sometimes some ppl aren’t in the mood! It’s disappointing sometimes but NOT a reflection of you. At all. Sex drive has so many factors. This is something you can talk about with him once he’s back, and maybe once he’s back it won’t be such a problem!

4. If if if if. There’s no evidence that he is. He treats you very kindly. Flowers to your fh game. Cooks dinner for you. Pays for every date. Flowers delivered. Custom plaque and keychains. He stays up late wakes up early to say good morning good night. He holds you when you cry. He is patient with you when you’re having bad times. He listens intently and fixes behaviors you don’t like. All these behaviors prove this anxious thought wrong.

5. You have to recognize that a lot of this is just an amplified emotional consequence from being long distance. It’s so hard to feel truly loved from afar! This is a normal feeling and again you cannot trust this anxiety thought. And even if this were to be true, no need to fear! If you’re not feeling everything, you’re missing everything!!! Love big love hard and don’t stop or limit yourself just because you’re afraid of getting hurt. Feel everything deeply❤️

[sylsdiary]

7/5/24 (1:43am)

Dear Alyssa,

Hi honey. You’re so sweet. I know you’ve been having a hard time recently. It’s hard to work through your feelings. I hope you know that that is completely normal and that you deserve patience and kindness while you feel your feelings. You’re in uncharted territory right now! Look girl, you’ve been through A LOT. And you’ve done such a great job and handling it all. But with all of the things you’ve experienced, you’re bound to have some emotional consequences come up, especially when you’re in a place of vulnerability like being in a relationship. It’s totally normal. I want you to know that you’re not hard to love. At all. It feels like that sometimes. But it’s not true. You are so loveable and kind and sweet. You are so deserving of good things. You’ve had bad moments, but that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person who deserves punishment. I love you so much. You are so patient and kind and understanding to those around you, and you deserve the same treatment. Let’s put beauty to the side. You are so kind. You are so radiant! I mean, truly energies are lifted by your presence. You have been told so often that people feel welcomed by you. What a lovely way to be talked about! You know that feeling when someone makes you feel like you belong? How lovely is it that you’re able to give that feeling to so many people!!!! And goodness, not only are you kind, you’re so funny! You make people laugh and you’re such a joy to be around! You also are an amazing and thoughtful friend. You listen with intention, you consider how your actions affect other people, you are there for your friends and people when they need you. You put others before you and think about them often. You are considerate thoughtful and caring. Beyond your personality traits…just in general, you’re everything I have ever dreamed of becoming :) Seriously. Think of the person you wanted to be a few years ago. Kind, confident, funny, loved, smart, successful. You wanted to start a student org and you did! You wanted to earn a 4.0 and you did! You wanted to be better at fh and you are! You wanted to be a better leader for fh and you are! Gosh ong that reminds me you’ve been away from fh so much you’ve forgotten what a community of LOVE you’ve built there. Seriously you should be so proud of that. Your energy radiates through that team. But that’s off topic lol. You wanted to have a community of ppl at vcu and you do. You WNATED TK SRUDY ABROAD AND YOY ARE!!!! You wanted to be financially independent and you are. You wanted a full ride to college and you got one. You wanted a full time job at DE and you got one! You wanted to stand your ground with your mom and you did. Good golly everything you’ve ever wanted and hoped for yourself you have MADE A REALITY. It didn’t fall into your lap. It wasn’t luck it wasn’t by chance. You made it happen. You did. What an amazing lady.

I hope you know that no matter what you go through, gosh you will find some way to turn it for the better, like you always do! And I hope yoy know that you deserve good things. It’s truly an honor to be with you in any capacity, and you are a light in the world. I love you so much from the bottom of my heart. I want you to feel beautiful, I want you to feel secure, I want you to feel loved. I want you to trust yourself!!!!! Trust that you can and will handle anything that gets thrown your way. Trust that you have everything you need within yourself. Trust that you are whole on your own. And also, trust your emotions! You are allowed to feel. You don’t need to try to justify your emotion. If you feel something let yourself feel it! But you don’t always need to trust your thoughts. Some thoughts are just thoughts that can pass like clouds. When bad thoughts come in, remind yourself that they’re just thoughts. I love you. I hope when you’re reading this that you can feel that. I am giving you a big hug. ❤️

[sylsdiary]

7/5/24 1:37am (French time)

Hi journal

It’s been a while. I feel like there’s been a couple updates I haven’t written about recently. Well. I’m dating R. I really like him and he treats me really well, but, I get a lot of anxiety being in a relationship. Idk why. Well I mean I think we know why but yk I just mean that he doesn’t do anything to make me anxious but I just am. I’ve been a bit down in the confidence department recently and I need to pump myself back up. My confidence just plunges when it comes to boys I guess. I was reading back on my other entries and even when I just had a crush on C I was like this too. I guess S messed me up more than I realized. So anyway I wanna do 2 things to help me through how I’m feeling rn. I want to write a love letter to myself and I want to list all the kind things R has done to show me how he feels about me. I get so wound up in my anxieties and insecurities I start to doubt how he feels, and I think it would be helpful for me to have a list of things on paper as a reminder.

[sylsdiary]

6/23/24

Idk why I’m feeling like this but like bruh I just feel like we’re already months deep into our relationship like we’re long distance and we already act like an old married couple like do you not want me. I put so much effort into being attractive to him and I feel like he doesn’t even want me. I’m rlly tired of crying over this and putting so much energy into this

[sylsdiary]

2/19/24

“You’re worth it. Believe it now”

- Hilda Suarez

[sylsdiary]

2/19/24

Can I super duper manifest that he wants me ?? Only me. He’s super super obsessed with me. Thinks abt me all the time . He’s going to make his move soon.

[sylsdiary]

2/18/24

Soooo yeah if you don’t remember just the other day (yesterday?!?! How was it so recent?? It feels like ages ago. Anyway.) I was gushing to J abt C. Remember: “if you’re tryna get right let me know”, the shoulder pat, he sat next to me, he stayed 30 mins after class when the convo was abt a class he’s not even in.

So gushy mushy. So I also just stalked his tiktok and he has all these emo TikTok’s abt how he’s chasing this girl that doesn’t want him back. And also he was so dry w the text abt the annotations. I’m getting like frustrated bc why do I care so much rn🤣 I need to find another obsession. Also, he makes me doubt myself sooo much like constantly I’m like would he even like me??? Could he even like me?? Like Lyss babe as if you’re not gorgeous smart kind funny thoughtful generous amazing energy like you’re so lovely. And what, he’s hot? He’s got good hair? He’s got a good body? Stop putting him on a pedestal!!! You don’t have to wonder if you’re good enough for him. You should wonder if he’s good enough for you. Look I’ve just been soooo like emo and sad bc I kinda got my hopes and I’m kinda discouraged bc I hate the feeling of chasing. Idk. And he said he’d make a gc w everyone to study and he hasn’t and frfr if I wrrr in his shoes I’d IMMEDIATELY make that gc if I liked me. Sigh. Idk trying to read a man’s emotions is so draining. If he liked me enough wouldn’t I know? But also how can I expect him to like me enough when he barely knows me? I gotta put myself out there first. Sigh. Anyway. I got lots and lots and lots of hw done! Like. SO much. I’ve done nothing except homework all weekend. It’ll pay off. Good things are coming to me, I just know it. Anywho, love you Lyss so much. Byeeeee

[sylsdiary]

2/10/24

Hmmmmmmmm. I have a lot to say but don’t feel like typing. So I have a crush on C rn. He’s so hot. And today at my fh game he was so sweet. The cheer through the window was so cute. But idk I just keep having these thoughts of “why would he like me”. That makes me so sad. But I can’t help it. Idk. I just keep thinking like yeah I’m pretty but so many girls are pretty. He probably gets so many girls. But also you’re smart too. And you have so much more to offer than your looks. I’m also trying to remind myself that like. It’s not about comparing or trying to win or be better or prettier than other girls. It’s simply abt if we’re compatible. Ugh. Idk why I’m like slightly losing my mind over this lol. One benefit of having a crush on a dorky guy is I didn’t have these thoughts. He also failed two classes so let’s chill out and not put him on a pedestal. At the end of the day he’s still a boy. Ugh lol. Idk how to describe how I feel I mean I love myself I do. I think I’m gorgeous I think my body eats down and I’m smart funny kind thoughtful and a great friend. People enjoy being around me. But. I just can’t help but think that a “top tier” guy wouldn’t want me. That’s so sad. Idk how to fix this thought process. I suppose I just need to cut it off when it comes up. And acknowledge that a thought is jsut a thought, I don’t have to believe it. To be with me is an honor, I’m a genuinely good person who is smart kinda funny loving thoughtful I have lots of depth and empathy and people enjoy being around me. I’m hardworking and very cute. I love myself.

[sylsdiary]

2/2/24

I am grateful for:

Having good friends

Being able to move

The ability to make my own decisions

[sylsdiary]

12/14/23

Haven’t talked to mom since Thanksgiving. Feeling lonely.

[sylsdiary]

11/23/23

Ah thanksgiving and mom is mad for some reason left the house and isn’t talking to me. No idea what I did but shrug. This shit sucks but at least I don’t live here anymore!!!!! Omw back to RVA thank god 🙏🙏🙏🙏

[sylsdiary]

11/18/23

At VB for fh and feeling very grateful to be apart of this team 🩵

[sylsdiary]

11/1/23

First WIN event was yesterday!!! Woot woot so happy we had 30 ppl come out and it was great!! Feeling grateful to have such supportive friends and getting emotional thinking abt how freshman year me would be so so so proud. I love you, I’m glad I exist.