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So that's what it feels like when someone tells you that they don't want to have kids. I feel a little empty. I know I don't want to have kids soon but... I don't know, the idea just feels empty. I don't want to make a big deal about it. We'll see how this goes...
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Matthew Jackson told me he loves me. I don't know where this is going. But one thing I know for sure: I want God to be involve in this. I wanted love and be loved by someone. I want it to be special and out of the ordinary. I want you to guide me on this.
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So I mentioned I missed snapchatting with Kenneth. I'm not sure if it was really an accident that he sent that effin dick pic and now I'm really traumatized and found myself in the jeepney really just staring blankly on my phone. He has a gf and mentioned that it was supposed to be sent to her. I guess I'm still really reserved with things like that. It haunts me. I'm not a saint, I watched porn for fuckin sake. But I watch them on my own time. Meaning I may want those kind of pics but I will ask them from you. Ugh.
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5 more minutes | 2
Woke up at 6:15am. Mom forgot to wake me up at 5am. I asked her to wake me up at 5am because my shift today will start at 9am. I really don’t care being late at this stage. So I woke up at 6:15am and decided to be fully awake at 6:30am. I did it. But I was still late. I thought to myself, why would I want to go to work so bad. Then I realized I needed money. Does it makes sense?
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So yesterday, my phone was almost stolen in my bag. I got lucky I guess. I experienced the same modus before and I was alert. Adrenaline rushed in me and I was able to catch the attention of the passengers on the bus. The other guy was not able to get my phone while the other guy was pulling my hair. I got angry and scared after that. Angry because I felt that I deserve it and that it was supposed to happen, out of all people, to me. Scared because I don’t know what could’ve happen if they have weapons with them. I hated the people around this world for a minute there. I hated that humanity didn’t exist for a second. People has this ability to take something away from you. Something you’ve worked hard for. Something important and useful. People can take things away from you and they wouldn’t even think about it. I calmed down a bit. I’ve still got a lot of questions in my mind that are not yet answered. Well.. Who doesn’t? I’m chatting with this guy from the states through snapchat. It’s been going on for 2 days and he’s really cute but he’s 11 years younger than me. It’s wrong in so many levels but I’m just really happy and I’m enjoying the attention and time he’s spending with me.I’m not sure where this is going but I’m glad I gained a new friend (yay me!)
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Now why do I feel like nothing is working for me. I feel like everything is against me? Am I losing it? Should I just give up? Maybe today but not for good.
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5 more minutes
This “book” will contain my thoughts every day as I wake up, asking for 5 more minutes to stay in bed or maybe just let my mind wander. 5.10 No year. Just the date. Actually, today I didn’t asked for 5 more minutes. I simply woke up. But my mind, my thoughts never did silenced me. Not once. I’m able to change it but never silenced it. I thought of my life. Of where I am going, where I’m off to. Once I achieved what I want, will I be happy? Will all of this be worth it? Am I doing something worthy? When you see 11:11 on your phones, do you make a wish? Is it a good one? Will you put all your energy on that particular wish for it to come true? Why do we ask for 5 more minutes? To stay in bed? To wait for someone? To wait for something to happen? Why is it satisfying to get that 5 more minutes? Am I making sense? Will someone buy this stuff?
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So yesterday went well. I didn’t do anything crazy but I did thought of some stuff. I got to chat mostly with my ex’s dad, it was cool. He was cool. Today I posted on vent that something feels off. It’s still does. Still I don’t know what it is. I’m still in love with Cole Sprouse. I wonder when I’ll get to meet him??.... I still need to calm my nerves. Am I having a panic attack lately? I can’t tell. I’m completely thankful for those who pray for my welfare. I’m thankful as well for the people who disappoints me and make me feel that I’m left alone in this world. They make you realize that people come and go, not everyone has good intentions, some people just know you when they need something from you, some people are annoying and some are just there to teach you a lesson. Wherever life may take you, assure yourself that you can handle yourself. Otherwise, you’ll end up disappointing and hurting yourself in the process. I’m thinking of writing a book titled “ 5 more minutes”. I just thought of it yesterday when I woke up and told myself I need 5 more minutes. I don’t even know what it will be about but let’s see.
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My heart is racing inside me. I’ll be going to my goddaughter’s birthday and I guess I’ll see my first true love or let’s call him ex-boyfriend, and my heart is racing. My insides are going up on my throat. Please don’t let me do or say anything stupid. Please let me be civil. I am going to pray this through on my way. I really should calm my nerves.
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Why was I suddenly ashamed to admit my age? Is there something wrong with me? Ugh.. I just don’t want to be weird. Or maybe I do want to be weird. Maybe i shouldn’t care much. I need to pray for this.
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I get hurt. I find my tears at the side of my eyes. But I don't let it show. I hide it well. I learned from people's reactions, from my family's behaviour.
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Getting a comment that “you’re a good girl” or “you changed at some level”, gives me the feeling that I was really a bad person before. I know I’m right that karma is a bitch and it haunts you down before you know it. I’m just wondering if bad karma is done with me. I’m wondering if I’m going to get more or less. I know I shouldn’t be overthinking. This too shall pass. I guess I just needed to let out some negativity inside me. All is well. I still trust God with His plans. Calm my heart.
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My adrenaline is rushing. Lord God please grant me peace. I know this too shall pass and this day will be over. I don't want to cross him or him getting into my nerves and I won't allow it because he's not worth it and he doesn't deserve my attention. Breathe in. Breathe out.
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I am again speechless. I don't know what to type, what to express. I don't know where to begin. But then I'll find myself starting. I'm starting to learn to control myself. Today is a positive one. I'm learning how to prevent myself from cursing even if it's just through messenger or texts. I'm learning how to wait for a while and think thoroughly on how to respond or how to react on a situation. I'm learning to be kind beyond my capacity. Best of all, I'm learning to enjoy what I have. I'm learning to accept myself for who and what I am. I'm learning to love myself again and this is big news to me. I'm learning how to pray when I can't control what I'm feeling. I'm learning how to ask for strenght when I know I won't be able to face something without getting mad, angry, hurt or sad. At this point, things are making sense. Everything is balanced.
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29th
I'm 29 today and still so blessed. There are times I fail to acknowledged them but God helps me find my way back to Him everytime. He never fails to let me see the world in a different perspective. I see myself as weird but He tells me I'm unique. I cannot be thankful enough for life itself. Again, I'm still learning a lot. I'm still on my way to greatness with Him. His plans are awesome, I know that. Thank you for teaching me a new responsibility. Thank you for everything. I'll be back within today. I'm just really overwhelmed that people who loves me remembers the start of my existence. I am so grateful.
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