synshine

[synshine]

the notebook graveyard

communicating with esther through notebooks dark gloomy night scarce streetlights walking and reading can she hear me can she feel me dead trees cradle the sky bony knuckles holding moonlight and as i stumble on gravestone there she is again markings dance on my pages amour pours through ink swelling on mine find me hold me i am your mordecai but her dance is never done and the more i call the further she drifts.

[synshine]

Floating

i only ever danced with somebody once. not the kind of dancing where you dance at or around them. i mean with her.  orbiting one another. floating. drifting and springing back, to touch and twist and bite into evolving arcs etched in glass. i swear there wasnt solid ground beneath us. i swear the ice had already melted.

[synshine]

Re: Baraka

Lines on pages blank Still                and                  racing   flow    our   own   and   theirs find your window    in   the   serpentine lasting  or  dying     Playing  or  Crying Working  or  Sweating  or  lurking  or  drying and washing and watching and wishing and wrying which words would worlds worship with  ?               which woods do birds sing to                             whose closed eyes show their love most long lines   Blood flowing.  Pulse with emeralds Stop on the Cross. Whose arteries do you walk in.  Whose cigarettes do you roll whose water do you bathe in.  Whose mountains do you crawl. Statues and statutes look over us both.  I wonder what turns their bodies to soap. Ritual Practice to balance our lives.  Pay for each step with breath in a line. Cross your tightrope slow and in time.  The tree will walk its and I will walk mine. How do I fit in.  what can i see. How can I help my self be me. Start and the center then find your own heart. That is the beginning, this is the start.

[synshine]

I had a really nice dream last night

The room we were in had the night sky as its ceiling, and walls studded in stars for a while we were just in each others presence feeling close with another we’ve known for almost half our lives Breathing, eye gazing low lights began to help illuminate us and as we bared ourselves to one another nothing changed

the sky was still starstruck the air was still cool my heart was still beating only love began to move - from my center to yours and back again.

it was nice.

[synshine]

|breathe|

why amionaplane body not yet caught up to brain so jump back

hi mynameis my left nostril stings birds in my head sing of brick walls and plastic colored playthings on dying grass half green outside black windows in close quarters

i havetopee have fluid running down the bone of my cheek the corner of my lips skin tight crisp

eye wincingatthepressure choose your pain or pleasure none for me i'll just have the headache and save the heartache for later

don't force it it's only good when you're not there tufts of cottonwood seed float in air motes not notes mo notes the music playing glimmers on staves rays raise to the sun

floating on clouds no in them carpeted beauties curled hair rolling under endlessly weaving until split ends

can't you just hold your horror or own hand instead of your endless breath

sorrow gives meaning because of the pain endured to hold it ecstasy dies in its own experience

i miss you lou i miss you michelle i miss you jim i miss you imoutochan

i promise to do this more often

[synshine]

2017.  26.

this year, like years past, was filled with struggle - suffering - but also adventure, release, growth, stability, exploration, and heart.

I spent almost the entirety of 2017 (starting feb 22) sober.  No alcohol. No drugs. No caffiene.  The only exception was a beer I drank when spending time in a bar with Jim and Jesse the day they cut the tireswing down and a miniscule drag of cannabis during band practice that same day.

Much happened as I retraced the boundaries of my networks - reconnecting friendships gone stagnant by traveling the globe, and forming new ones while out at those edges.   Briefly, I spent last december with sara and maddie in seattle where I worked on erradicating polio in nigeria with Intellectual Ventures for two weeks. On new years Heather and I flew out of newark to Dakar, Senegal for a two week trip with varsity Rambax - playing sabar on a beach and touring the country. From Dakar I flew to Beirut, Lebanon to visit my dear friend Bilal, got a surprise visit from Josefine, and finally learned what the middle east outside of Isreal was like.  There is much love and beauty in that city. Once home I spent the XGames with my sister and friends in aspen - my first time visiting an extreme sports competition, something i'd always dreamed of. I moved back and forth between boston and new york a lot, eventually living in brambleberry, meeting the newer members of the haus in cambridge, jamming with scubaphone and with nick and evan at brambleberry.  collaboration on computer generated art with rich.  Jumping into the cab of a moving truck with a pizza pie, experimental sax blaring, nick's grin and evan's smile brightening the 2AM night - back of the truck filled with gamelan.  Went to my first political protests, savored time at Lunch Club, watched movies at LSC with woz and others, listened to Noam, consulted on art pieces that fused music and taste, helped install amazing kinetic sculpture, took my first dance classes.  I started psychotherapy in cambridge - a huge first step towards climbing out of a long-standing depression.  I spent a lot of time outside in nature.  lying in grass.  meditating.  walking around the charles.  drawing.  throat singing.  finding figures in clouds.  learning how to backflip.  got back into skateboarding.   I found love in so many places.  Met Karen, reconnected with Janet, met Farah, reconnected with Marty, reconnected with Marie and more. Found solidarity with the whole of the senior house community.  Fought the man HARD.  and I wouldn't say we lost. I played music at ROAST again this year, and played my first gig at a bar.  I practiced with rambax a lot during the time I was still in boston. I had my 5 year reunion.  I met may-lee - my drawing partner.  I sailed.  I moved back into somerville with Katy and Silas and Adri and Sara.  I hung out at pokernight.  I spent time with Rob.  I reconnected with Tracy Gleen.  I biked 3 miles to get to cambridge/mit.  I went to today junior's shows.  I spent time with alex and krista in vermont.  I spent time with Jonathan in cambridge.  I spent time with feldmeier and sara and katy and laura and silas and john.

I was recruited.

I made a decision to leave boston.  To reconnect with those who were on the west coast.  To see what life was like over there.  To satisfy that voice inside of me that had been wanting to move for ages - but wasn't sure why (and still am unsure why).

I went to firefly.  My first sober firefly.  The best one yet.  I played music with strangers in front of a crowd.  I saw esther and had positive interactions with her.  I let go of jealousy and envy.  I grieved my childhood friend's suicide, my mentor's death, and my grandfather's death.  I watched their spirits and energy dissolve in the burning of the temple that nova designed, glimmering ashes rising to the stars - to start the cycle again - to be free and then be-coming.  I wailed.  I cried and screamed and released. and in my hardest moments, my truest family came to comfort me.  jonathan, connie, evan, nova, joe, probably more people all hugging me tightly and keeping me close to their hearts.  it made me feel like there was hope - that we are all a family - that we can be here together in harmony.  

I flew to san francisco the next day.  I took a job building flying electric vehicles.  I moved in with damon for a bit but finally lived with my friends who had shipped to the west coast - people i look up to - people i love but haven't seen in forever.  logan, scott, josh, buro, chris and yuanyu, and many more.  I reconnected with my now west coast family.  I saw tim and star and nagle and rebecca, amy, dan, laura, julian, sam, merry, eric, christy, the list goes on.  I let go of my crush on damon.  I let go of my crush on technology.  I have been working for almost 6 months - the longest i'd ever worked for a company.  I traveled a lot - watched paula get married to ike and held laura in my heart on the same day, as she married john.  I danced with paula's family.  I let go of marty.  I roadtripped with mark and melinda.  I saw value in myself.  I saw alison and robin and sergei. I went to siggraph.  began to let go of technology and science more.  made friends with zanzie and hung out with josh and kiva again.  bodysurfed naked with alex at 5am on venice beach.  damn i love that place.  saw Janet a lot. I saw the eclipse and roadtripped with danyQ and RMO all around the north midwest. I went to burning man.  a childhood dream literally 10 years in the making.  I met many people, and began to find the thread back to myself.  I found core.  I found sara and sara and dan and many many others.  I got chaos to hug me.  walked through duststorms, danced my ass off, loved strangers and was loved by strangers.  turned down SO many offers to consume things I didn't want to.  interacted as genuinely as I could.  Fell in love with myself.  Fought in the thunderdome. Took the playa home with me.  I keep it in my heart.  Sent out some postcards.  began meditation again.  biked from sf to mountain view many times.  started paragliding.   I went to the tep retreat.  Connected more with karen and ira and all the current teps.  took me a while, but eventually felt like i was home again.  nature is beautiful.  people are beautiful.  life good. Met up with core in vancouver, in sf, and at tiffy's wedding.  got into my first car accident.   I found the ecstatic dance scene.  met amanda and keri and june and navid.  ashlan and zenevie from slacklining.  found beloved.  found mission skate shop.

In review - life has been kind and amazing to me.  I hope to continue drumming and drawing and growing plants in the future.  I am finally okay with walking away from technology.  I hope to continue to reconnect with my family all over the planet, and get better at connecting and interacting with others.  I haven't recorded much of the struggle here, but I also hope to spend a lot less time hating myself and being hard on myself.  Learning to love myself has been difficult, but I know i'm getting better at it - just have to practice every day.   In january I will start spending a lot more time at upland.  I'm very excited for what awaits.  Also, I'll be in NYC/boston the 25th-4th if you're around.

[synshine]

newyears

goodmorning year this time i cry again the frozen tears icebergs surfacing shatter again love too strong for my weak heart hurts again turn towards pain swallowing whole again beg from its spiral center freedom again

that tunnel goes nowhere haven't you learned that yet

this is 2018 turn around go in any direction any one but there

[synshine]

alone in january

so show what have you learned which oysters shell marble and quell plastidipped seasons spell S E A S O N S i didn't light that figure yet i didnt leave the gas on i haven't found my name yet

where did I leave it tagged at the counter lost to some earthworm kin can't you see the needle was never in the haystack the mind was never meant to know you may only find what isn't there wherever it is you go

sometimes the coziest place is a frigid apartment in a red modernist chair feeling further from anything

[synshine]

megabus

mark down tabs bus driver lost not the bus the bus is here waiting waiting for its head and hands and feet to press and twist itself all the way to boston misplaced where again? oh, ELEVENTH ave not FIRST guess we have to go there because two ones is one too many

here sit the customers all neat in four columns who knows how many rows texting scrolling whats next whats now as the ground crew scrambles to darn the hole in the fabric of their illusion that this is a 'service' that people together are a 'company' how distinct the customers from their - servants? at least in this line of work

please just get closer enough to see the pores on their faces and see the warmth of their breath and feel their hearts beating too its the distance that lets us forget

[synshine]

give back

I... don't really know   what   to   do all i want to do is give back but everything i try to do is never enough - doesn't seem to get me any closer to some feeling of having given back and so each moment that comes to me - sitting and reflecting on how little ive given back and how much i could be giving back i start to notice i get distracted air blows over hair the crinkles in the plastic molding the sharpness of the sound surrounding so snapped back, i ask how best can i give world tell me your needs what most from me do you wish just... help me out a little.

[synshine]

dribble

I have no desire to be whatever it is i am and the words won't come out not a dribble they're stuck in between my teeth like mango hair behind my tonsils rotting into little white putrid pellets glued to my tongue so i have to pull them out one by one until for a small moment they pour onto the page splashing blurts of consciousness lasting about the length of my typing pipe and i'm scared that you'll read this and think of me weak or unworthy of your beautiful time because no one lingers looking at flower buds or pregnant fruit when the next bouquet arrives.

[synshine]

[synshine]

found some friends

[synshine]

waking

The Best part of my day is waking with the morning sun. Like a lover it stirs my sleep with its warm body, but does more than hold. She fills the sky, brings life to the birds chirping through the window. From here its an infinite blue. No one is up. nothing has happened. only the smiling caress of my grandest friend, to whom I return.

[synshine]

Great Branches

There’s a Blue Jay hopping over my head, jumping on Great Branches + Loving its Waking Life

[synshine]

words

The words drawn like pictures, sounds + smell closed shape perfume + lovely majors moons won’t stop them from coming out.

A wonderland I had + lost time + time again.

mistakes to be made till i’ve made the grade + proved my time as a man

[synshine]

I want to write a poem

STARS BRIGHT! the sky is night i love the colors of fur.

rebel red the lobster’s blue dread A hare’s twinkle round the burr.

Pilots light gone tonight, cant seem the river Siene

Bounty gone to Boundrys lawn never beheaded gain