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i feel so undeserving of forgiveness and of all my friend's love. i have been terrible to people because i self sabotage and i wonder daily if i'll ever be able to redeem myself. i can be surrounded by the best people in the entire world and at some point i'll think "they hate me, they think of me as a low life, they think im insane. so i don't care if i hurt them. i'll just avoid them and disappear from their life forever" when really, i care more than anything in the world, those thoughts were a reflection of what i thought about myself, and it's just my way of attempting to distance myself and make people actually hate me just in case i find out the people i love don't actually love me back, like i've found out before. it's much better now, but damn i wish i could go back and change everything, grow up a little, drill it inside my head that i deserve the love i have. it has a lot to do with old old friends that were terrible for me and instilled a lot of horrific trust issues and drug habits that i want to wash away forever. when i was younger i would be obsessed with my friends only to hear that they called me names and insulted me behind my back, it was always painful. my old friends were so horrible i used to do drugs every day just to feel some kind of connection with them, with anyone at all, to the point i drove myself into the weirdest schizo rabbit hole i could've ever been in. from an outside perspective i went off the deep end. and recently i found out that happens to empathic people when they feel deeply unheard and neglected. but im grateful my actual friends don't all hate me, i want to make them all proud. but i know on my deathbed ill still remember what i've done to people. i'm still hearing stories of things i dont even remember i did or said when i was much younger, i guess it says a lot about who i was if i can't even remember half the things ive done that hurt people. like, i ran into an old friend from middle school, i only remember him favorably, i was so excited to see him, yet he told me how i once hit him in school. 11 years later and thats how he remembers me. i wonder if i'll ever truly be forgiven by everyone. i wonder if i'll ever get the courage to say sorry to everyone.

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i love my friends more than anything in the wntire world, i am sitting in my friends stairs while they're in front of me surrounding me talking and laughing, we are drunk. i love them. i love them. they are my world. they are my entire world. i wish i was better back then. i wish i treated them better back then. they never turned their back on me, its been 10 years. and they are family. i was a drug addict, obsessed with fitting in and being cool and psychedelics to the point i had really bad psychosis, and they never thought of me differently. why was i so fucking cruel back then. why am i in so much pain. why do they still love me. i feel undeserving of their love and friendship. they are my world and they actually give a fuck about me. i did something bad to one of my friends years ago, and two nights ago we go out and she hands me her car keys to keep them safe. i didn't think she would ever trust me with a damn thing ever again. but she trusted me to keep it safe. some things dont mean much to ppl but that almost made me cry. why was i ever forgiven?

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I wasn’t built to be employed. I need to stay up until 4 am like a normal person

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saw this cute post and now I'm not going on reddit for the rest of the day. quit while you're ahead

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“i’M tOo ScArEd To DoUbLe TeXt” BLOW UP MY PHONE PLEASEEE

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any of yalls dad eat a well done steak? that shit is fucking ridiculous.

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"Some people will drain you dry then resent you for being empty.."

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Fuck sex. I am tryna be your home, your safe place, your go to person, the reason your mental health is getting better.

We still gonna have rough sex tho.

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I’m a simple human i see sunset and be instantly amazed every time

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and for my next magic trick I will forget to eat all day

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They’re kinda cute

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Athens – July 2017

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I think having a needy pervert girlfriend that touches herself a lot and tells me about it all day would fix me