t-memoirs

[t-memoirs]

The last part of my dream was my Nanay hugging me tight and I asked her not to leave me because I was sick.

I woke up crying.

[t-memoirs]

I haven't talked to my mother in over a week. She's the parent yet I feel more of an adult than her. I just need a break. I'm tired of being the bad guy anytime I have an argument with her. I gave dates in the group chat when things were due. I told her to remind my stepdad that my credit card is due soon. She asks for the price amount that I once again already discussed in the chat. Then she has the audacity to say "Where am I going to get that kind of money??" to which I respond "Then why are you going on vacation??" I'm losing my mind on how she's the victim once again. She's the one who pushed for the vacation. She even told my boss, before I did. I paid for the stay and car rental on my credit card. The Airbnb was booked before we got married. I don't understand how she thought she could not pay for her vacation. Then the best part of all of it, she goes and runs to my brother to tell him how awful I am. When I talk to my brother about it, his response is that she really wanted to go and that she paid for the attorney back home and gave us money for the wedding. I hang up the phone, feeling bad but then I start to get angry. If I knew the wedding money was going to get thrown in my face, I wouldn't have taken it. Sue me for thinking that my parents owed me this. After all of the shit I've had to deal with. I already knew we couldn't afford college back in sixth grade. A measly twelve hundred dollars. Thrown in my face. I'm tired of letting her make me feel this way.

[t-memoirs]

Yesterday was everything I could possibly ask for. When I close my eyes, I can still see the string lights and everyone just having a good time. I prayed that the sun would come out and give us our sunset and it did. Our angels blew the clouds away and gave us our perfect sunset. All of the stress and everything that happened or didn't happen was worth every single minute. Us hiding out and taking a moment before we came out. Andrei being our emcee and bridging the gap between the families. My hair and makeup looked so great and made me feel so confident. The decor, the bud vases, the lights... everything just looked so warm and cozy. The playlist blended so well together. Going back and listening to it today, I can picture where and what exactly we were doing at that moment. Jen's card was so heartfelt and pure. I can't wait to show our wedding pictures to our future kids. I'm just so thankful for the people who came and celebrated our love with us. I'm so thankful for E and his love.

[t-memoirs]

Uncle E visited me in my dreams. I was getting ready to close up at work and then I heard a voice coming from the room. I went in and he was laying on the bed. I started crying and I asked if it was him and how was he doing. He was able to sit up by himself, but his body looked a little different. Bigger and a bit more wrinkly. My cousin came in and I asked if she could see him. I held her hand and her eyes started to roll back and then said yes. We were both talking to him, but I had to leave. She started treating him. I tried to get my mom, but it was too late.

[t-memoirs]

Part 2

Our wedding guest list needs to be finalized. I make the decision of inviting my cousin’s children, who are closer to my age, and whom I felt close with. My bridesmaids, who are also family, advise me not to invite her son, because of the way he’s been acting over the past year. He moved out of his parents’ house, doesn’t talk to his only sister, and focuses all of his time and attention on his girlfriend. I’m adamant about inviting him and even his girlfriend, to guarantee his attendance.

I send him a message to verify his girlfriend’s last name and he politely declines. The reason being my aunt telling his mom that she is no longer apart of the family. He sends me that screenshot, but it doesn’t show the entirety of the conversation. I’m genuinely hurt. I’m upset that things that I had no control over are effecting me and our wedding. I explain to him that I hope he doesn’t feel that way towards me, but I respect his decision not to come. I cry the entire day and it weighs heavy on my mind for the next couple of days. I remind myself that is it what is is and that it’s two less people to feed. I should still be happy about our special day.

Fast forward about a month. I’ve sent everyone’s invite out, except for theirs. His sister (my problematic cousin’s daughter) and I are closer in age. Although we don’t spend a lot of time together, I still consider us to be fairly close. I finally decide to stop by and drop off the invitation. I talk to her and ask how she feels and how she’s holding up.

She explains that she’s hurt about not being included in the division of the funeral envelope money. She didn’t necessarily want it, but felt that she was not included because she and her brother are technically not my uncle’s grandchildren. I tried to assure her that that wasn’t my mom and aunt’s intention and they only listed to the other two since they were underage without jobs. She didn’t understand why people get worked up over money, saying that her mom is the one who helped him set up that account to begin with. Yes, but that doesn’t make it her money.

She was also upset that “someone” (meaning my mom) said that her grandpa died of a broken heart from what her mom did. Although I don’t think that should have been said, I believe it. The timing of events lines up. 

The wedding, his brother (my other uncle) passes away two days later, then not even two weeks later, her dirty laundry is aired out. He’s embarrassed at what she’s done because of how much he cares for his son-in-law, the stress of trying to find a new place to stay, and the person his daughter cheated with is his own brother’s daughter’s boyfriend. His face and demeanor was never the same. It absolutely makes sense that the stress caused him to have a heart attack. 

During this entire conversation and allowing her to vent, I act like I don’t know exactly what went on behind the scenes. I don’t want to be caught up in anymore than I am already in. You can absolutely tell that her mom is  manipulating her and has the audacity to say that my uncle was on drugs and that’s why he passed. He has been clean for at least a decade at this point, ate well, was at a good weight, and not to mention, that wasn’t listed on his death certificate or toxicology report. Let’s say that he did die of drug abuse, why would you tell your kids, his grandchildren, and have them remember their grandfather in that way. Her exact words were “I didn’t even know he was on drugs...” Why would you, he wasn’t. I ended the conversation telling her that I still cared about her and we went our separate ways. Deep down, I am angry.

I wish I would’ve told her the entirety. None of this would’ve happened if her mom kept her hands to herself and not her cousin’s boyfriend. Besides the cheating, if she would have used the money to pay for the funeral expenses, instead of going missing, my mom and aunt wouldn’t have been upset. Nope, she wanted to get a wax, her nails done, new clothes, and doing who knows what with the money. It was the ghosting and the embarrassment of having multiple conversations with the funeral director, not knowing where she was. (Hint hint: she was actually still seeing my cousin’s boyfriend and doing drugs) 

There were two cards. One from his pension, which they were trying to use and pay for his funeral expenses before the government took it back. The second was an alternate bank account with a couple thousand, that should have been divided equally between her and her siblings. We don’t even know what she did with the other account. She is manipulating her own kids to think that their grandpa was using drugs and that she’s the victim in all of it. Based on the conversation I was having with her daughter, they don’t even know the full extent to any of it. They believe that their mom was the one who paid off and set up the entire funeral on her own. A slap to my mom and my aunt’s face. She is a liar. She cheated on your stepdad. Her reason being was that he was a great provider, but not a great lover. Once again, putting the blame on HER HUSBAND and not her cheating self. She’s so quick to play the victim. She’s lying about all of these things to the point where she’s starting to believe the lies. You really don’t think she would lie to you too?

[t-memoirs]

Part 1

We found out that my older cousin was having an affair. With my other cousin’s boyfriend. Not even two weeks after her wedding. It also came out that she’s doing drugs...

Her husband tells her parents and their kids what he found out and that they have two months to find a new place to stay. My uncle’s demeanor changed completely over the next month. He was embarrassed at what his daughter has done, he was stressed that he needed to find a new place to stay, etc. Just not as happy and fun like he normally was. A month and a half later, he passes away from a heart attack.

My mom and aunt step in to help her with funeral services. They meet with a funeral director, set up a date, etc. My uncle is able to pay for his own funeral with the money that he has in his account. The issue is that he has a daily limit on what he could spend, so his funeral was paid in increments. My cousin was holding on to the card, but sends a picture, so they can buy his urn and nameplate online. They tried on two separate days to order online, but it exceeded his daily limit. Keep in mind, his urn was probably around $100 give or take. They figured she paid off the rest of the funeral. (It comes out later on that she decided to treat herself to a wax, got her nails done, etc.) A few days later, the funeral director calls my mom, asking for the rest of the payment. 

My cousin ghosts them. She’s not even at home. She comes back, pays the rest of the funeral, and ghosts them again. My mom and aunt are frustrated at this point since they’re figuring out the rest of the logistics, like flowers and food. Her younger brothers were in charge of finding the florist, but she was supposed to pay using the card.  A day or two go by, my cousin is still MIA. Still not answering anyone’s calls. 

Two days before the funeral, the funeral director called my mom and aunt, asking for my uncle’s suit. In my culture, you have to buy a new suit for the funeral. They finally get ahold of my cousin and she says that the suit is at the dry cleaners and she “doesn’t know when it will be done by” I literally laughed out loud. The cleaners give you a piece of paper saying when it would be done... and you could have easily told them what it was for and that you needed it by a specific date. But question of the day: WHY is his BRAND NEW suit at the dry cleaners to begin with?

The morning of the funeral, she shows up with the suit. The funeral happens. We grieve. But as one looks around, you can tell that certain things are missing or half-assed. There were no flowers at all. She assured everyone that they would be here at a certain time, but it turns out she never followed through and paid for them. The plates and utensils were leftover from Chinese New Year (we’re not even Chinese) or had winter decor on them. But what really set my mom and aunt off, besides the ghosting, was that he was wearing a suit that he already had. The suit he wore to my grandma’s funeral.

My aunt tells my mom to get the box of cards, just in case someone finds it. Low and behold, the same night, she texts my mom, asking for the cards. My mom tells her to pick it up at the family party. My mom and aunt decide to split the money from the cards between his two underaged grandchildren. Essentially leaving my cousin’s two children out, but only because they’re both over-age with jobs of their own.

A few days later, they’re waiting for her. She never shows. My mom and aunt express their concerns to my other aunt (her mother) and that’s when all hell breaks loose. The next morning, she sends my mom and aunt multiple, long, and erratic texts with multiple cuss words. Basically saying that nothing was her fault. You can’t cuss out your aunts and expect no repercussions. I genuinely believe she was coming off whatever drugs she was taking and that’s why she was acting so erratic.

Her reason of dry cleaning his “brand new” suit is because “that’s what she does when she gets new clothes” Even though we knew that it was an old suit. 

Her reason of not having flowers is because her brothers were supposed to take care of it. Even though she had the card.

My aunt is absolutely fed up with her shit at this point. She tells her that now that my uncle is no longer alive, she is no longer apart of the family. 

The screenshots of my cousin’s texts go around. They’re both done with her. She’s blocked. Her mom is also blocked. My mom explains to my cousin’s sister what happened and even sends her screenshots. Time goes by, her sister makes up BS excuses and doesn’t answer my mom’s calls. It’s obvious she’s taking her sister’s side. My mom no longer reaches out.

More than a month goes by and it’s time to send out my wedding invites.

[t-memoirs]

Yellow butterflies represent hope and prosperity, while black butterflies signify death and rebirth. Consequently, a black and yellow butterfly symbolizes soul awakening and happiness. It's a sign of new beginnings and sends a message of hope.

I love and miss you, Uncle. Take care of us please.

[t-memoirs]

My Lola visited me in my dreams last night. There was a peacock and a raven inside the house and she physically kicked the raven out. I started laughing and said "Laios, huh Lola?" (meaning "alis" which in Tagalog) and she smiled, laughed, and corrected me. One of my guardian angels.

//

I had another dream about my Lola, I held her soft hand and told her I loved her so much. She went on the flight without me.

[t-memoirs]

I had a dream about you yesterday. It's been a long time since my last. This time you worked at your uncle's coffee shop and I acted like I didn't know you but we still clicked. This one was weird because you were talking to E and my brother. I invited you to my house and you even ended up staying until the sun went up. Even in my dream, you ended up leaving without saying a proper goodbye but just a text asking for advice. I've looked you up a while back and you're nothing like you were before, yet I dream of you, like I crave you. It was a simpler time back then. I miss the thought of you or more so, the memory. I will never see myself getting married to you, like I see myself with E. I think I just miss the butterflies in my stomach when you'd text or just being around you. You knew how to make my knees go weak. If I could go back, I would, only to tell you how I really felt and how much you broke my heart. It seems so long ago, but the pain from ghosting me really stuck. I've gotten over it now and I'm in a better place, relationship wise, but it comes across my mind sometimes. You literally borrowed money from me and dipped, how pathetic. I'm pretty sure it was my fault though. You probably came across my Twitter and saw E and that's why you stopped talking to me, but you weren't honest either. I saw her name when she texted you. I'm not stupid. In my head, I always knew I was the back up and I was okay with it. I definitely did way too much in that situationship. You were such a dick to me and I can't believe I let myself get caught up. Like c'mon, ghosting me on my birthday was an asshole move and you know it. Your presence was just too intoxicating and I was breathing it in. I will never truly know what exactly happened but I hope you're in a better place than when I met you.

[t-memoirs]

There was a point in time where I hated my father, but I empathized with him also. I couldn’t understand where all of his anger and hatred came from. Growing up, I always blamed my mother as to why he was the way he was. Even as a child, I thought I would be mad too if my wife was cheating on me. At a young age, I was forced to lie to my father’s face about where we were moving to and who my mother was with. I felt bad and I still do. I thought all of his anger came from hurt of his failing marriage and lack of relationship with his children. Here I am at the age of 25, listening to my brother’s story for the first time. Hearing him speak of his old thoughts and hatred of my father broke my heart. There was a point in time where my brother hated my dad so much that he felt like he wouldn’t care enough to cry at his funeral. Listening to how he physically hurt both my mother and brother made me sick to my stomach. Even after all these years, he still has the scar to prove it. It opened my eyes that without the infidelity, he had issues with his anger. I never understood why my brother could be so cold towards my father at times, but I get it now, and I don’t blame him. I never experienced that side of my father. I still endured the emotional trauma of being scared of my father and getting yelled at, but he never physically hurt me to that extent. The most I’ve seen my father do something of that caliber was when he beat my grandmother’s hands when she used the stove. I remember crying my eyes out and trying to call my mother, but the damage was done. My poor grandmother’s hands were bruised and swollen. The amount of guilt I still have for not physically stopping him and bringing her into the room with me... It kills me that that’s one of the memories I have of her.

The mellow, vegetable-growing father that I know and love today was completely different person. We laugh about it now, but that time period when we lived on Oak was depressing. The amount of emotional and mental trauma we endured in that house alone was horrific. The only way I could even justify my father’s actions is thinking that he was going through the male version of menopause or a midlife crisis. As I grow older, I am thankful that my dad did a complete 180. It makes me sad that the damage is done and as much as I try, I will never have that special father/daughter relationship with him. I just pray that my future child does with their father. Our relationship is just better long distance. 

I will say that my favorite memory of my father is when I was younger, he would get me food and I’d tag along with him while he ran errands. I just remember sitting in the backseat, feeling the comfort and warmth of the sun, while he would drive to far places. Love you, dad.

[t-memoirs]

My mother told me that she was in contact with you and my heart sank. You robbed me of my innocence at six years old. You probably think you got away with it since I was too young to remember, but I do. I remember. I feel it. I feel it sometimes when I’m intimate. I feel the rush of guilt, a sickness deep in my gut. You are the reason why I don’t feel pleasure when I’m with the person who makes me feel safe. You are the reason why I sometimes feel disgusted with myself. I have learned to suppress the memories, but every now and then it comes back. Don’t tell your mom. I wish I did. I wish I told someone so I wouldn’t have to deal with it, when I’m alone with my thoughts. My heart aches for my younger self. I trusted you. At times I feel guilty, thinking back to it. I knew in my gut that it was wrong, but I don’t remember asking you to stop. I have a disgusting feeling that I liked it and that’s why I allowed you to touch me a couple more times after. You were the adult. I was six years old. Why did you do this to me?

[t-memoirs]

It’s been about a month since I quit the job that I thought I wanted. I remember coming years ago, so in awe of it all. It was in the busy neighborhood I loved walking down. It had exactly what that I wanted to sell... it knocked off every little thing on my list. This is what I want, I kept saying. Who knew that a few years later, that I would be apart of the business that a young me was so envious of. Over time, I began to realize that all that glitters isn’t gold. The owner wasn’t the mentor I so wanted her to be. The recipes weren’t based on creativity, only on short cuts and Google. The team and opportunities weren’t as advertised in the listing or interview. Finding out that this business was based on the soon-to-be popularity instead of passion was disappointing. There was a dark energy that possessed the workplace and it showed through the amount of people who came and left. Being there triggered something inside of me. It made me question everything that I thought I wanted to be. It brought out the anxiety and depression I’m still dealing with. I feel like I wish for things and when it manifests itself, it isn’t what I want or something bad happens. I’ve felt that way my whole life. As a kid, I prayed that my parents would get back together and when they were trying to work it out, it didn’t feel right. I pushed for my first car and a few months later, I got into a car accident and had multiple problems with hit and runs to my back bumper. That’s where my anxiety with driving began. I quit my job to be free of all the stress that came with it, hoping to have more time for creativity and figuring out what I want, only to be stuck at home, dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts. At times I feel like a child who asks for something over and over again and my parent, knowing that it isn’t good for me, continuously says no. They finally say yes to shut me up, allowing me to deal with the consequences. And of course, the consequences are always bad. I’ve been trying to tell myself that God isn’t punishing me. That these trials are meant to happen to shape me into something more. I want to find the purpose in my life. I want to be free of my anxiety and depression. I want to be happy and healthy with my mind and body. It’s easier to want than to actually have the motivation to do these things for myself. I’m praying that this is my turning point.

[t-memoirs]

I was only five. My dad was making me pancakes before school and that’s when I told him: We’re moving. He asked me where we were going. I jokingly told him that we were moving to the park, but in my head, I knew. My mom found an apartment and she was taking me and my brother with her. I don’t remember anything in between. I just remember waking up in our new furniture filled apartment, surrounded by boxes. That was the first time we moved and it wouldn’t be our last. I still saw my dad everyday, when he took me and picked me up from school, but things were different now. I longed for my mother’s presence so much, that I would’ve been fine not being with my dad. Being with him was just time spent, waiting for my mom to come. He was money-minded. He didn’t care about having a place for his kids to call home. He only cared about turning our home into a hostel for people who would come and go. A part of me hates him for that. A part of me hates my mom for not trying harder. A part of me hates both of them, because of things that I missed out on, by not having a steady home, like everyone else. 

[t-memoirs]

I wish I could start over. I would focus on school instead of boys. I hated that failing classes or getting bad grades was considered cool. It’s not. You play dumb for so long, that you stop paying attention in class and suddenly, you realize that you’re so far behind. I would force myself to get good grades and commit to sports or some kind of extra-curricular activity. I wish I cared about my grades so I could’ve gotten into a good college. Mistakes that I made in junior high followed me into high school, and I’m still paying for them. I’m going into my third year of junior college and I’m not even close to finishing, let alone, transferring into a four year. I feel so behind. I wish I could start over.

[t-memoirs]

There are moments in life that you want to remember forever and there are some that you wish you could forget. This blog is a compilation of both. 

To whoever finds this, I hope that you can relive my memories and see things from my perspective.