#//again if you would like to have Aegis come visit message me! we can plan something out and go for it :D

[sturdy-and-soundproof]

//Hi! I'm currently about shins deep in a pokemon red nuzlocke! so Aegis posting (Especially the Around the World postings) will continue tomorrow!!

[agustdakasuga]

Reflection Of You | Chapter 1

Genre: Historical!AU, Timetraveller!AU / Different Dimension, Romance

Pairing: SUGA x Reader, Yoongi x Reader

Characters: Normal!Reader, Idol!Suga, King!Yoongi, Guard!Seokjin, Guard!Jungkook, RoyalAdvisor!Namjoon, Servant!Jimin, Servant!Hoseok, Prince!Taehyung

Summary: Confirming you were dating the famous Min Suga of BTS, you knew you were bound to make some enemies. But what you didn’t expect was to be cursed, going back to meet a cold-hearted, arrogant king that shares the same face as your rapper lover.  

The nightmare the both of you feared had finally come true. 

“Thank you, ARMY!”

“We’ll see you soon!” 

“We love you forever! Goodnight!” You watched the monitor with proud eyes, your hands clasped together. After a long world tour, the boys had their final concert in Korea, their home country. You, along with the other staff, clapped as the 7 boys stepped off the stage.

“Good job!” There were exchanges of hugs and pats on the backs. Technically, you weren’t a member of staff, so you respected the distance, standing at the back of the crowd.

“There you are.” Someone said, almost like a sigh of relief. 

“Great job, as always.” A smile slowly widened on your face as you opened your arms to hug him, resting your cheek against his peck. 

“I’m sweaty.” Was all he said. 

“Like I ever minded.” You chuckled, pulling away to look up at him. He gave a soft smile, leaning down to peck your lips. It was quick but endearing. You knew for him, doing that in public was already a large feat. 

“Noona! You’re here!” You were yanked out of your beloved’s arms. 

“Of course, Kookie. It’s the last show of the tour, I wouldn’t miss it.” You patted his head as he lifted you off the ground.

“Yah, look at the scowl on hyung’s face after you stole his girl.” Taehyung appeared, slinging his arm around your maknae’s neck. You giggled, shaking your head. Someone stood beside you, holding your hand. Speak of the devil. You turned your head to see him looking at his phone in his other hand, totally nonchalant about holding your phone. 

“Great show today, guys. You were amazing.” You told all 7 of them as they packed up, ready to head home. 

“Thank you, (y/n).” Jin pinched your cheek lovingly. 

“As much as I love spending time with ARMY, I’m excited to have some time off, as well.” Jimin yawned, adjusting his hat in the mirror. You nodded in agreement. The boys deserved a nice break. 

“The vans are here.” The managers informed. 

“Let’s go, aegi.” He called. You walked hand in hand with him. Before you stepped out, he stopped you. 

“You forgot again?” He chuckled, taking a mask out of his pocket. He gently hooked the elastics over your ears, adjusting the fabric on your face to make sure that it was comfortable. 

“Thank you.” You said sheepishly. 

“Hurry, love birds!” Hoseok called out, being the one to share the van with the two of you. Even if you were all boarding the van privately, you were still cautious, wearing a mask when you went out in case any fan manages to slip past security and saw you.

“We’ll sit at the back.” You were yanked into the seat, making you blink in shock. You felt your lover’s headrest against your shoulder.

“Any plans for the break, Hobi?” You asked. 

“Hmm, besides going home? I would like to travel but I don’t really have a destination in mind. What about you? Are you and hyung going to do something?” He asked back. 

“He’s visiting his family. Unfortunately, I have work but I’ll try to join him for a few days. After that, we might take a few days off to travel too.” You smiled. 

“Must be nice to travel with a companion.” Hoseok teased. 

“Not when your companion just wants to sleep and eat all day.” You giggled. There was a grunt of annoyance from beside you. 

“Hey, you sleep just as much as me. We hardly stepped out of our hotel room the last vacation because all we did was sleep then nap all day. Besides, I deserve to sleep and eat all day for how hard I’ve worked.” He scoffed. You nodded your head, you couldn’t argue with that after all the hard work the boys have put into the tour. 

“Touché.” You booped his nose. 

“Still hard to believe hyung is the first one to get a girl. We all thought he was too much a gramps to get one.” Hoseok laughed. 

“That’s part of his charm, I guess.” You smiled. Looking down, you saw that said male had fallen asleep against your shoulder. A slight frown was on his face as he crossed his arms. 

When the car stopped in the gated apartment complex, the 3 of you were dropped off at the front of the dorm building. 

“Hobi-”

“I know, I know. You won’t be spending the night in the dorm. Goodnight, you two.” Hoseok waved you two off. You giggled and gave him a hug before parting ways from him. 

“I can’t wait to just spend the next few days in bed.” 

“When are you going back to Daegu?” 

“Next week. What, can’t wait to get rid of me already?” He teased. You scoffed, entering the lift together and tapping the resident card, pressing the lift button. 

“If I wanted to get rid of you, I could just return to my place.” You shook your head. 

“As if I’d let you.” He said from behind you. Pressing the code into the keypad on the door, you pressed your finger print and the door unlocked. The two of you shuffled into the big apartment. You turned the lights on and placed your bag on the couch. The first thing you did was put away the washed dishes from your breakfast this morning. 

“You can do that tomorrow.” His voice groaned. 

“It’ll take less than a minute. Go ahead and shower.” You chuckled. Once again, you were yanked away from the cupboard. He rested his chin on your shoulder, arms loosely looped around your waist. 

“What’s wrong?” You whispered, stroking the back of his head. 

“Is it too early for post concert blues?” 

“You are such a workaholic. You’ll be on stage again soon. Besides, ARMY wouldn’t want to see all of you so tired out. They would want you to rest well and have a break too.” You comforted. 

“When I’m with them, I just feel like I have the whole world.” 

“ARMY is lucky to have all of you. You’re their world just as much as they are yours.” You smiled. 

“You’re forgetting something. ARMY gives me the whole world. But right now, I know I am holding my whole world.” He placed a gentle kiss against your temple. 

“Cheeseball.” You shook your head with a laugh. You shooed him away to shower while you finished the chores for the night like folding the washed clothes, filling the coffee machine for tomorrow and arranging the few fan gifts from ARMY around the house. 

“I’m done.” He called from the bedroom. You entered, seeing him pull a plain white shirt over his head. He rubbed his wet hair with a towel. 

“I’ll go shower.” You said, picking some fresh clothes and bringing it to the bathroom. You were quick with your shower, blowing drying your hair afterwards so you wouldn’t have to wait for it to dry. 

“Hurry, I want to sleep.” 

“You don’t have to wait for me!” You replied. 

“No.” 

“Alright, alright.” You shook your head, hanging your towel back on the rack to dry. You closed the bathroom door, slipping under the covers. Immediately, you were drawn into a warm embrace. 

“Don’t wake me up tomorrow.” He mumbled, eyes closing. 

“Wouldn’t dare to.” You joked. He opened one eye to glare at you while you smiled innocently at him. He yawned, tucking his head into the crook of your neck comfortably. 

“Goodnight, aegi.” He placed a kiss against your skin.

“Goodnight, Yoon.” You replied. 

You’ve known Yoongi for years now. When you worked at a music store near BTS’ old dorm when they had just debuted. He would come at night, just before closing to browse the shelves. Even if you came to know the whole group through Yoongi, you and Yoongi connected on a whole new level, you understood each other through music. 

It was about 2 years ago that he had asked you out on a date. Of course, you were unsure, considering how popular he was and you didn’t want to burden him by keeping your relationship a secret. 

But you trusted Yoongi. When he told you he would protect you, you gave him a chance. And you’ve been happily together ever since. 

It scared you when Yoongi threatened to leave BigHit when the management found out about you. You told Yoongi that you wanted him to prioritise BTS and ARMY before your relationship together. That was your only condition. 

“Why?” 

“Because ARMY and BTS were there for you before I was. You need to be there for them just like how they are there for you.” You told him. 

With that, the management and Mr Bang approved of your relationship. They also appreciated how you made Yoongi happier and were a positive influence when he had his low times. 

It was around 4 am. You woke up, feeling the space beside you still empty. The sheets felt cold, meaning that Yoongi hadn’t returned. You sent a message to Jungkook, who you knew would still be awake since he was working on releasing a surprise song cover for ARMY. 

“Yoongi hyung? He hasn’t returned.” The youngest informed. 

“Thanks, Kookie.” You hung up. You respected Yoongi and his work, never wanting to interrupt him or stop him but you knew you had to step in at certain times. 

‘The number you have dialled is currently unavailable-’

You sighed as you were directed to voicemail again. Putting your shoes on, you left home to visit his studio. 

DING DONG

You pressed the doorbell, waiting for an answer but to no avail. Even if you knew the code, you wouldn’t just enter. Just like everyone else, you would always ring the doorbell first and wait for a reply. You pressed it again.

“Who is- Oh, it’s you.” Yoongi poked his head out. 

“Hey.” You greeted. 

“What are you doing here? I’m busy.” Yoongi said. It came out colder than he would have liked but after working for hours and not getting the results he wanted, he was getting frustrated. 

“I know. Just wanted to see how you were doing. Can I come in?” You asked. Yoongi looked back into his studio. 

“I’d rather you not. Like I said, I’m busy. I can’t have another person here, it’ll only distract me more.” He said. Yoongi wasn’t someone that dealt with emotions well, you knew that. When things weren’t working out, his defence mode was to just push everyone away and hide alone. That’s just his way of dealing with emotions. 

“I understand.” You nodded, not wanting to push him any further. Without another word, Yoongi just closed the door, retreating back into his studio. 

“Hmm...” You roamed around the lounge area. You smiled as you came across the famous picture of Jimin that Yoongi got as a prize during the photography episode of Run!BTS. 

“Time to go home.” You went back home. Even waiting for Yoongi outside his studio, you knew he would feel guilty later on and you didn’t want that. You laid in bed but was woken up by Yoongi pressing his face into your back.

“Yoon...?” You tried to turn around to face him but his arms held you in place.

“I’m sorry.” He mumbled, burying his face into your back. You reached over to put your hand over his. 

“There’s nothing to be sorry about.” You said, sleep laced in your voice. You yawned, finally turning around to face him. You cupped his cheek with your free hand. 

“The songs weren’t working out, the lyrics were trash, I just... I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. After you left, I just-” 

“Shh, you don’t have to explain. I understand how frustrating it must have been. Everyone has their own down times. Don’t worry, I’m just glad you’re back to rest. Maybe after a nice sleep, you’ll have a clearer mind to write better, hmm?” You smiled softly. 

“Next time, be angry with me.” 

“Why do you want me to be angry with you? I mean, I have times when work frustrates me too. We aren’t perfect.” You laughed. 

“You’re too nice to me.” He pressed you against his body, inhaling your comforting scent. You loosely wrapped your own arm around his middle, letting out a yawn. 

“Go wash up. I’ll wait for you.” You promised. 

-

Yoongi was usually an early riser but after the concert last night, he had slept in until the afternoon. When he woke up, he realised that you weren’t beside him. He sat up, running his fingers through his hair as he looked for you. 

‘Fridge empty. Went out to get groceries. Iced Americano is in the fridge. - (y/n)’

Yoongi smiled at your note, folding it and tucking it into his pocket. He never told you but he keeps all the notes you leave him, even for ones that just say, ‘gone to work’. He shuffled to the fridge, taking the glass of cold coffee out, adding ice before sticking a straw in. He sat down by the kitchen island, scrolling on his phone. 

‘BTS’ Suga seen holding hands with mysterious female after concert.’

‘Insider releases photos of BTS’ rapper and a female embracing each other, said to be his girlfriend.’

‘Has the cold, savage rapper finally met his match?’

Yoongi’s eyes widened as he saw the alert news. He felt his heart stop when he clicked on one of the articles. There were blurry photos of you holding hands with him, leaving the venue last night. 

“PD nim.” Yoongi called his boss. 

“It seems a fan had snuck in under the guise of a staff member. We’ll handle the press for now and tell you what to do next.” 

“How can this happen?!” 

“Calm down, Yoongi. We have apprehended the culprit and will be turning her over to the authorities. Just make sure (y/n) is safe. The two of you should stay indoors for now.”

When he hung up, his phone rang again, it was the members. But right now, he couldn’t answer them. He was too worried about where you were and whether you were safe. Quickly, Yoongi dialled your number. Fortunately, you picked up, totally ignorant that your relationship was now public. 

“Good morning, or should I say, good afternoon?” 

“Aegi, are you okay?” He panicked.

“Okay? Of course, I am. Didn’t you see my note? I just finished paying for groceries, about to leave the mart.” 

“Stay right there, aegi. I’m coming to get you. Don’t talk to anyone, alright? I’m coming.” He said as he grabbed his car keys, putting on a mask and a cap.

“Okay, now you’re scaring me. What’s wrong, Yoon?” 

“They found out. I’m so sorry I let this happen. I’ll explain more when I come get you, alright?” He said and hung up. He got into his car, speeding to where you were. You were standing by the mart entrance.

“Yoon.” You sighed in relief, entering the car with all the groceries in your lap. Yoongi sped away, back to the gated community. True to that, as he passed the security, he saw some fans standing at the post, trying to enter. Luckily, fans didn’t know he owned this car and the windows were tinted so he could drive past without anyone suspecting. 

“Let’s go. Hurry.” He grabbed the bags, pulling you with him to the apartment. Only when you reached, you finally stopped him. 

“Yoon, calm down. It’s okay, I’m okay. Now tell me, slowly, what happened?” You led him to the couch to sit down. He buried his hands into his palms while you rubbed his back. 

“Someone snuck in as a staff member last night and took pictures of us. It was in the press this morning.” He explained. 

“Does PD nim know about this?” 

“He said he will handle the press and tell us what we have to do next.” He shivered, his breathing quickening. You knew that was a sign of Yoongi’s anxiety so you pulled him into your embrace immediately. 

“It’ll be okay, Yoongi.” You comforted. 

“Have you spoken to the boys?” You asked softly. He shook his head. As he said that, your phone rang. It was Namjoon. 

“They’re just worried and want to know if you’re okay. Let me tell them that we’re okay.” You told him, answering Namjoon’s call and putting him on speaker. As you predicted, the other boys were on the other line, bombarding the both of you with questions. 

“We’re okay, just a little overwhelmed. Thank you for your concern. We’ll just wait for PD nim’s instructions.” You told them. 

“Do you want us to come over?” 

“Maybe later on but not right now? Just let Yoongi and I grasp the situation and calm down first. If there’s anything, we’ll be sure to keep you all updated.” You promised. 

“We’ll see you later then.”

“I’m so sorry I let this happen, aegi.” Yoongi cried, cupping your cheek and rubbing it with his thumb. 

“Hey, it’s not your fault. We will get through this. I know it’s a little earlier than we would have liked but we knew the risks we were taking by having this relationship, Yoon.” You wiped his tears. 

“You don’t understand, aegi. Those people that could hurt you, they aren’t really ARMY. They’re crazy and obsessed. I’ve seen what they have done to others before. I will never be able to live with myself if I let the same thing happen to you.” He shook his head. You knew what Yoongi was referring to, the ‘sasaeng fans’ that the media always talked about. 

“Let’s not think of the worst.” You hummed. Yoongi’s phone ringing broke your embrace. It was PD nim, along with the PR team. 

“Yes. I understand… I’ll speak to her and let you know. Thank you.” Yoongi said and hung up with a sigh. You tilted your head, hoping they didn’t give Yoongi the ultimatum. 

“They said I either publish a note to the fans, explaining everything. Or let them deny the photos, say that you are just a family member.” He explained. 

“I see...” Those were reasonable options. 

“What do you think is the right thing to do?” You asked Yoongi. 

~~

Series Masterlist

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[tk-duveraun]

Truth

FE16/3H/TH spoilers! Sylix Post-GD route.

---

Whenever Flayn visits, though now she goes by the name ‘Tessa,’ she tells Sylvain the rumors circulating about him. It started as a joke, once she learned he wasn’t actually a terrible womanizer, but turned into one of the few things that could bring a smile to his face with Castle Gautier full of his wife and Crest-bearing children and eventually grandchildren. 

They’re drinking almond tea, though his nose is too old and too full of the scent of blood to smell it. There are fruit tarts his son-in-law baked, dripping with noa syrup. His teeth ache after a single bite, but if Flayn, Cetheleann, Tessa notices that he doesn’t finish his, she says nothing. She’s probably used to watching her friends grow old and die while she stays as fresh as the flower in her hair.

“I heard,” she says, mouth stuffed full of pastry, “that a sword appeared at your door. Battered and with the Fraldarius Crest scratched into the sheath. They say Felix is alive and wants to duel you for his territory back. That didn’t sound right to me.”

“It isn’t,” he replies. He sips his tea and doesn’t say more immediately. The guards at his door are not ceremonial. Claude and Byleth tearing down the walls around Fódlan may have made them happy, but even so many years on, assassins crossed the open border from Sreng to murder one of their oldest and most powerful supporters. They aren’t ceremonial, yet no one saw the ‘message’ appear. No one noticed it until Sylvain himself tripped over it, thankfully only breaking his heart.

Rodrigue had been the sword and shield of Faerghus, but Felix was known as little more than a wandering sword trusted by the allied nations of Fódlan and Almyra. A shield had been left at Sylvain’s door: the Aegis Shield, the Fraldarius Hero’s Relic. Rumors would say it was a sword.

Flayn doesn’t press. She doesn’t need to. Sylvain will tell her. There’s no one else he can tell and the words poison his heart and drip from his eyes like tears.

“When we were children... We promised not to die before the other.”

“Oh!” And her excitement edges on glee. “So he sent you a gift to say he remembered?”

Her happiness doesn’t hurt because nothing can cause more pain than he’s already feeling. Than he’s been feeling since the delivery. He smiles at her and it feels unnatural on his face. “Not quite. Someone found the Fraldarius shield and returned it to the territory.” In the dead of night with no witnesses. “There’s nothing more to it than that. I imagine our friend died in a fierce competition of skill, like he always planned to.”

What an easy lie.

So simple. So believable.

“That does sound like him,” Flayn says. She nibbles on another tart. “Did you send it to Garreg Mach to be interred in the Holy Tomb? There isn’t anyone left that can use it, after all.”

“I did. Our friend sent the lance back, again.” He can feel it, deep in the vault underneath the castle. The old, corrupted bones pull on his blood like a sickness.

“I’m sure there’s a good reason for that.”

“Hmm.” Sylvain puts his hands under the blanket on his lap, but no warmth comes to them. The Aegis Shield’s icy touch still hasn’t left them. Probably won’t.

The corners of Flayn’s eyes turn down with her frown. “He shouldn’t have left you.”

So she won’t let the subject drop.

“I know the truth behind it. It’s alright.”

It wasn’t. It hadn’t been for years. He’d waited, heart in his throat, empty castle, until Rodrigue informed him that Felix had abdicated and he wanted to name Sylvain his heir.

“The truth doesn’t make things better.” Flayn pouts. She brushes her white magic over him and the tears that had been threatening her fall from her eyes. “But it’s late.” Sun shines in through the window. “I’ll let you go to bed; you’re tired.”

“It was good to see you, Flayn. Give everyone my love.”

Not that there was any of his to give, but she had enough of her own to spare.

“I will. I’ll be back to see you soon.”

He doesn’t contradict her. Not because he’ll die before she can and he doesn’t want to be dramatic. Dramatic is one of the few things he still is. No, he says nothing because he’ll live a disgustingly long time, yet. Felix didn’t just break promises; he shattered them.

“I’ve done everything I can here,” Felix had said, when the war was over and Claude had fucked off back to Almyra leaving them holding the scraps of the country together. 

“I failed him,” he’d meant. “I could have done more,” his eyes said. 

Sylvain could see, could make sense of why Felix blamed himself for Dimitri’s death, ridiculous as his reasoning was. But he couldn’t fathom why he carried the older guilt, the one that erased the carefree smile from his face and took promises out of his mouth. Maybe, perhaps if Sylvain had realized earlier that Felix blamed himself for Glenn’s death, if he could have convinced him that was silly, then maybe he wouldn’t have carried Dimitri’s on his shoulders.

“I’ll see you around, Sylvain,” he’d said that day. Very carefully making his name the last word he gave him.

He’d meant, of course, “I won’t let myself fail you, too.”

Sylvain had known it was the end. He’d stared at Felix’s face and seen Miklan’s, from when they were children, from when he smilingly shoved him backward into the well. It was the first betrayal of his life, crashing into him a second time and shattering the ground beneath his feet.

He’d known it was the end.

“Yeah,” he’d said. “Yeah,” he’d repeated with the last big, true, heart-felt smile of his life. “Love you, too, Felix.”

It wasn’t a joke, but they both laughed.

Laughed and laughed because it hurt too much to cry.

[faiteach]

Late July, Early August 2017

Aegis and I have been hiking a lot together this summer. So far, the core of our friendship has been founded on our mutual desire to get outside and be more active in our lives. Recently, I started jogging again because I haven’t been able to get myself into the proper mindset for a visit to the gym. It’s just too beautiful (or too hot) during the summer to spend so many hours indoors, sweating, when I could just go outside.

When I mentioned running to him, Aegis invited me to try a 5K with him later in August. I was dubious, and expressed the desire to do a lot more training before I tried doing something like that. He expressed a desire to run with me sometime, you know, for practice. I suggested we try it the following Friday after work. He agreed.

Friday comes around and, although I dressed for it, I realized pretty early in the day that I was terrified of going on a long run, with him, in the middle of the city where we work and he lives. The idea was just too full of variables and potential for disastrous embarrassment. He picked out a route we could try, and I wanted to give it a shot, to do it his way, but in the end I decided that things would go better if we started smaller. I asked him if he would be willing to drive the 45 min back to my hometown so we could run the route I’m used to running around my neighborhood. Bless him for his patience because he agreed without complaint.

“Thank you for doing this---I know there’s no real reason for you to agree to come all the way back to [my hometown] to go for a run other than to make me feel more comfortable and I really appreciate it.”

The run went surprisingly well. I thought I would be breathless with anxiety the entire time, worrying about how terrible I must look----beet red, sweating, panting and clumsy---but honestly the only thing that mattered to either of us was doing the work. Of course he runs much better than I (since he doesn’t have scoliosis, DD breasts, and abdominal muscles made of jello) but I actually found it motivating rather than discouraging. My competitive nature appeared, goading me to try harder than I would have on my own.

Afterwards, we sat on my back porch and talked for hours. He had to be somewhere at 20:00, but we lost track of time and he didn’t leave until 19:50. We talked about the past. He let me talk too much because he always has to ask me such probing questions, things that actually take time and thought to answer, things that encourage me to say more than I mean to, every time. I tried to balance the scales this time, but I’m not sure I succeeded.

We made plans to meet up early on Sunday, and do it again.

This time we decided to try a longer run, something woodsy. We went back to the first place we ever went hiking together, because I knew the trail is relatively even and would hopefully be less flooded after all the rain we’ve had. It’s 1.5 miles straight down the main path one way, 3 miles total. It ends at the edge of a marshy lake. That first half of the run was pretty uneventful, and we kept a steady pace. When we got to the lake, we decided to stretch and catch our breath for a moment. A few groups of people came and went as we stood there, chatting idly and comparing our favorite stretches. After a few minutes, I was ready to get going again.

“Ready?”

“Just a minute, I’m taking in the moment.”

I looked over and he was sitting on a flat rock, just wide enough for two people, looking out at the lake. I hesitated for a moment before coming over to sit beside him. It was quiet---all the other people had gone. The water was still, except for the occasional ripple from insects landing on the surface of the water. The edges swirled with a layer of pale green algae, decorated by patches of lily pads, some of which were in bloom. The sun was high and blindingly bright, and every surface was edged with sparkling white light.

We talked a while longer, while my head ached to lay on his shoulder, just inches away.

The run back was harder. He made it look so easy that I began to resent him for being so light on his feet. Every time he left me too far behind, I felt the twinges of a petulant anger at being “abandoned”. While he weaved back and forth across the path ahead of me, agile as a gazelle, I trudged through every footstep, focusing all of my energy on maintaining my breathing and keeping my core tight. He would try to give me encouraging words or advice, but all of my primary functions had been re-routed to power my legs and my lungs, willing them to continue moving forward at a “slightly-faster-than-walking” pace.

At one point, we were coming up on a family with a baby stroller. We would have to pass them, but the distance between us and them was closing so slowly, I began to feel as if I wasn’t moving forward at all. Disgruntled and gasping for breath, I slowed to a walk. Aegis, noticing that I had given up again, came back to encourage me.

He went to grab my hand but, lightning fast, I yanked it away from him. There wasn’t any thinking behind it, I simply reacted. He actually tried again, and again my hand snaked out of his reach with barely a thought from me. He didn’t make anything out of it, but I thought about it a lot as we continued down the path.

Don’t I want him to touch me? If so, then why did I feel such a proud thrill at myself for rejecting his grasp---not once, but twice?

Well, I’m not naive. I know why, for the most part. 1) I was tired and annoyed and had no desire to be dragged around by anyone. 2) I’m proud of the defense mechanisms that I’ve cultivated after nearly two decades of chronic disappointment and abuse at the hands of douchebags and fuckbois. I’m proud that now I have the self control to maintain my personal boundaries even against someone I’m attracted to.

Later, when we were sitting in his car choosing a place to go get lunch, it came up. I’ve told him the general theme of my past relationships, so he had a rough idea of where I’m coming from when I told him that it wasn’t him personally that made me flinch, it was just a knee-jerk response. He laughed it off and told me it was a good instinct to have, not that I needed his approval on the subject.

We got a little lost looking for the place we had decided to go to for lunch and eventually gave up on getting there. I offered to make us some BLTs at my house, instead. On the way back to the park (to get my car), his friend called him and he mentioned that he was “with a friend, she works with me.” A few minutes after they hung up, he got a text that made him laugh and say,

“Oh now he’s talking about you.”

Context: When we added each other on snapchat a while ago, he told me (and showed me) that for some reason I was listed as “Sarah” on his friends list. Neither of us knows why that happened, though I never pursued an answer with any vigor, I just teased him by saying: “Who are you trying to hide me from???” and we laughed it away.

So he tries to explain why his friend is talking about me in their group chat----but then he backtracks and says no, wait, they were talking about someone named Sarah, a friend named Sarah, no a girl they met at a bar named Sarah, he was just confused, and thought they meant me because of the snapchat thing. No big deal.

I sincerely didn’t care one way or the other. I’ve never met any of his other friends, he and I are still barely more than co-workers, and it’s none of my business. But I decided to tease him, since we’ve often talked about my paranoid tendencies.

“Hmm I don’t know... if we were dating then everything you just said would be HIGHLY SUSPECT. Just a lot of suspicious shit happening, right over there,” I say, waving my hand around to indicate his general vicinity, over in the driver seat. “Who are you hiding me from Aegis???”  

I expected him to laugh, recognizing my joke from the snapchat thing but when I looked over at his face, I realized I may have upset him. I didn’t get the sense that he was angry, but he suddenly became very adamant about his innocence and immediately began to press me for a deeper explanation---what did I mean? How was he being suspicious? Did I want to read the text messages to confirm that he meant what he had said?

“Here, you can read it,” he says, yanking the phone out of its center console stand and dropping it in my lap.

Unaware of anything, all I can feel is the weight of his phone on my legs. I hear his insistence that I look down at the chain of grey bubbles on the screen but physically, I am paralyzed.

“No, I don’t like this game.”

“I’m serious, read them it’s fine---,”

“No, I don’t like this game.”

He may as well have dropped a hot ball of lead in my lap. How could I explain to him the situation he had just put me in? Why was he suddenly so vehement about getting me to believe him?

I still remember finding the messages from a 17 year-old beauty queen on my ex-husband’s phone. I still remember the feeling of my world dropping out from beneath me, the very real feeling of falling even as I stood perfectly still, staring at the words and barely understanding what they said. I still remember how many nights I stayed awake after he fell asleep so that I could hack into his emails, his facebook, his phone, just to find more evidence of his betrayals and always--ALWAYS--finding more.

No, I don’t want to read your text messages. I don’t like this game.

I only had to repeat myself a few times before he took the phone back. He still insisted I explain how his actions were suspicious and I insisted it was a joke, asked him why does it even matter---

“I don’t know, I’ve just never had anyone tell me I was suspicious before…”

Yes but why should you care so much that I said it? I swear that I could feel every unsaid thing between us; every impulse, quenched before it could mature into thoughtless action, looming over our heads. It seemed so obvious in that moment that there is so much more happening between us than fitness and friendship.

I wanted to throw myself out of the car.

We moved on quickly; got my car, he followed me home, I let him stand in the kitchen with me while I made us sandwiches (my house brings me great shame [my parents are very nearly hoarders] and I don’t really like having anyone over). We put down a blanket in the front yard and sat under the maple trees while we ate.

The entire time I kept thinking about the geometry of our bodies on the blanket, all the different ways we could lean against, lay across or lounge beside each other. I wanted to put my head in his lap and let him play with my hair while I listened to him talk about nothing. I wanted to lean against his chest with his chin on my shoulder while he watched me braid blades of grass into simple crowns. I wanted to fall asleep in the sun while we cuddled.

Instead we both shifted back and forth, unconsciously mirroring each other, prisoners in our separate, checkered corners, both of us too polite, too shy and too afraid to cross over.

He left around 3 and I was relieved to be alone again, free from the magnetic pull of his presence. It’s becoming a problem. Being around him is exhausting. The added effort of resisting the urge to say “Fuck it” and kiss him just wears me down, slowly but surely. I can only imagine that he must think I have no interest in him at all, from the way I withdrew from his touch. But all I want to do is spend a day laying in bed, wrapped in his embrace. Just one day.

But I’ve realized that love is never more sustainable, for me, than its fledgling, unrequited stages. Most likely, the best thing for all of us would be for me to channel all my love into being the best friend I could ever be without asking for anything in return because giving should be its own reward. As lonely and unhealthy as that seems, it’s probably my best case scenario, regardless of who I project my feelings on, either Aegis or whichever hapless schmuck gives me attention next. Because when it comes down to it, and as I’ve tried to explain to many people, many times:

The common denominator is me. I am the destructive variable. I cannot maintain a healthy relationship and it would not be fair to subject anyone else to that particular shortcoming of mine, no matter how lonely my life becomes. Let other people love and be loved. Other people are good at it.