#//im waiting for the wifey to catch up so we can fight him together <3

[revvywevvy]

playing corporate clash bc my girlfriend started playing it and we goin crazy stupid

lookit my funky little goblin

[sincerely-amyd]

july 2017 updates

a boring title just for organizational purposes... 

currently listening to fa ru xue by jay chou. its like almost 2am aka my fav time ??? i always get these random nostalgic weird moments where im like woah what am i doing with my life and who am i??? k gonna type properly now lol

So I kind of just need to journal it all out to figure stuff out. It makes me feel like I’m being myself. That doesn’t really make sense but when I’m listening to my favorite songs and just typing whatever comes to mind, I feel so at peace. It makes me remember how much I miss thinking. I literally love just thinking. When I visualize it, I see a tree being watered and the water going to each of the roots and the tips of the roots... in the same way I have to think through all my thoughts to water them all. Then I feel replenished. Some times I know I have all these thoughts but I don’t have time to think through them. I rush through life too much. I miss being me. Happy, simple Amy.

I feel so bitter about my past 4 years. Everyone had so much fun in university and I feel like I’ve been robbed of the experience of could of have. I f*cking hate U of T with a passion. I feel like a teen mom. With countless expectations. I’m tired of living for my parents. I just want to do what makes me happy. I want to be selfish. I’m tired of being bad cop. I’m tired of being the one who cares the most. I wish I was carefree, easy going. I want to be happy. I feel like I’m not happy. I have this huge desire to travel and see more of the world. I feel so insignificant and tiny.

I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life. When I listen to mando pop it does make me wish that Jeff was mando and that he could understand how much I love Taiwanese music. I feel like we don’t connect over the same songs. The songs that make me feel so much he can’t understand. I guess its the same vice versa. I kinda want to watch another Taiwanese drama. 

Updates on my life: Jeff and I have a good relationship. Things are stable, I’m happy. He treats me well. I know he cares. I trust him. I hope we get married. I still overthink but I can sleep at night and I don’t get anxiety anymore. I know he would never say anything to hurt me and that he means what he says. I do appreciate that he’s being honest but I need to be more trusting of him verbally. One thing is that I wish he would cook for me and be more like... wifey???? I don’t want to be the only one taking care of the house. Also, I really want to travel and I’m scared he doesn’t want to go. 

I want to have a love that is passionate. I want to make out randomly and be so in love.... I know its supposed to be a “high” or the honey moon phase or all emotions but I think I could literally be like that forever. It’s built into me. I’m so...intense with my feelings. I feel like I have all this love and I just want to love hard. It should hurt hard too when I’m sad, but that’s how I know I love hard. I like feeling emotions some times because it makes me feel alive. When I feel sad, I feel real. I feel likes its life. I’m scared what if I’m tricking myself that I want to be married? I want to ask Jeff to watch my fav dramas with me. I want to be able to share this side of me. I want to side in a field of grass on a sunny day and just be held. I want to just enjoy being with him and who he is. 

I want to learn how to cook and bake. How to write mando and speak canto. I want to be fit and look good naked and run 5k under 30. I want to be confident. I want to discover who I am and be that. I’m tired of living for people. I need to grow on my own.

Jeff has taught me a lot over this past year and I’ve learnt how to be more mentally stable. He’s shown his love to me in so many ways that I never expected before. He never lets pride get into the way when we fight. He makes me feel pretty and loved. I do wish he was more “in the moment” but maybe its also good his not? I just want to have random makeout seshs..... and be pushed against a wall lol. But he always does stuff in a joking way that its not cute but its funny. Funny isnt bad but still I want to be romanced???

Also I dont know if I want to consider david a good friend anymore. Looking at bad at our relationship, hes been very selfish. Hes never been there for me when I truly needed him, he turned his back on me and I feel like he still is. He only cares about himself and his own needs. I don’t want to invest anymore time in him. I do think Neil will be a good friend. I think hes over me. I think we can be friends. I mean not too close but I’m willing to help him and I know he would be there for me. I legit see him as family now its weird. I dont hate him, some times I get a little cringe from before but I think its okay.  

I want to be more confident. I want to be me and discover what that means. I’m tired of being SHY. I want to be HAPPY. I need to make hobbies and do stuff more. Some times I wonder how Eric is doing. It’s such a shame we aren’t even friends, I don’t get why he had to block me everywhere. I think I would like to catch up....some day when hes more mature. I don’t want to just do it now its like “I have a doctor bf” or show off. I genuinely want to see where he is. I fully don’t feel bitter, its been so long I cant remember the happy or sad anymore.... I do recall feeling so happy when he texted me in the very begining, I can remember him yelling at me a lot, the lies, the jealously, the hurt. Then reading tumblr reminds me of how much it was an up and down rollercoaster. The 3 hour long fights over skype where I bawled my eyes out until 4 am.... waking up at 7 the next day for school with swollen eyes and seeing him do the same. I remember we kept skype on all night. We were pretty in love. But it was ... too young ?? I mean we got along in a spiritual slash soul like way. But living life with him would be hard. We were too emotional and similar. He was manipulative. He stopped caring first. When I looked at him sometimes when he was crying....I felt ....disgusted. He always cried. It was unattractive. He got angry so fast it was scary. Idk it wasnt as cute as I reembmer. Oh well. I learned lots, I don’t regret it. I hope he figures out his life and finds a girl who will complement his personality. I genuinely wish the best for him.

Ugh I can’t imagine being not with Jeffrey. Like thinking about not being married = breaking up which is like .......losing my best friend and best everything. He is so funny and I’ve never met anyone who has the same humour as me....pervy humour??? I don’t liek to admit it. I like how I dont have to be fake nice and pretend like I don’t like seeing fat people fall. I love how honest I can be with him, it feels so good to be me. I love how cute he is lol. Then how hot he can be too. He eats like a little fatty. He literally is the cutest thing in my life. I wish he looked older though cause people think I’m a pedo dating a high schooler -_- I can’t wait to be able to see him everyday, to share our lives together and build a family together. 

I am not depressed anymore. I am happy. I go to the gym 4-5x a week. I eat ok. I love Jeffrey. I need to figure out my spiritual life but that can be an update for another time. Pce.