#//that's why it can't go too extreme - and in hindsight i could have offered that for sprite too but i don't think he'd have accepted

[blackthorn-legion-irl]

STOP BEING SO FUCKING KIND TO ME I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE

I SENT A CORPSE TO A CHILD

...

You're too kind for your own good.

Fuck.

//Hello!! Rwat anon mod!! You're doing great lol no need to be nervous about interacting- if anything I was because I got accused of being- a not so great person yesterday and I was worried people were going to think that this character or that person was me ooc. Anyways, about rwat. They have severe intrusive thoughts constantly, and were in a manic state while sending threats and shit to paris which peaked with that package to sprite- but has now dipped down and they're more reasonable, though still unstable

i'll tell you one thing that i've never told anyone on here before. i know that this will make it publically known. but i think telling you will help.

i've done worse.

i don't know what - i've repressed most of that memory. but i was a stupid kid. i'm still a stupid adult sometimes. i probably snapped. my point is - if i can come back from that, so can you.

if you don't want to talk for now - or at all - i understand. i'll work on finding a good therapist near you who doesn't work with the cops - not sure if that's a worry you had, but easing it anyway. cops suck but if you'd like i will absolutely support you, okay? i can't go too extreme without drawing attention, but through... slight money laundering through my dude in johto i can make sure you have at least stable housing and supplies so you don't have to worry about those.

just remember. small steppy better than no steppy. and two steps forward one step back is still a net gain.

[sayakxmi]

[Magi reread] Night 74: Something Sublime

Bro, my heart is not ready. But let's go.

1 - I was like "man, Cassim's just living his worst life ever, and then my brain was like, yeah, that's kinda the point..."

2 - Once again, Cassim contributed to Alibaba living that kind of life. And "you [...] wanted to lead a legitimate life" is bullshit. Alibaba had offered to help Cassim & his troupe, it was Cassim who told him not to. And Alibaba listened. But it's not like Alibaba's been actually all that concerned about staying pure and shit.

It's a huge theme for Alibaba, tbh, just people assuming things about him. I'm especially thinking aboout Cassim and Hakuryuu, but you could probably add Sinbad if you really wanted. They have this idea of Alibaba, who is a pure and naive child, and they look down on him, and in hindsight, it makes sense that there's envy involved. Why were they treated differently by fate? Why was it Alibaba who was allowed to remain innocent? This happy-go-lucky idiot? They really delude themselves into believing all that stuff, too lost in their self-hatred and despair to actually confront the reality of them being just plainly fucking wrong about it.

A small reminder that this is something that happens not that long after Cassim had killed his father, and, yeah, I know I kinda criticize the guy a lot, but I can't fully blame him. At least for the feelings. Like, yeah, no shit he needed Alibaba to stay that pure child, a beam of light, Alibaba and Mariam, really. If they were gone, if the world destroyed that light, then what was the point of that world in the first place? It was just awful, end of story. Why keep living in it?

Whether either of them had realized that, Alibaba was giving Cassim hope, especially after Anise and Mariam had died. Hope that there were still good things in this world.

But just as he needed Alibaba to remian that innocent child, he also needed Alibaba to fall. He needed him to fall, because he fell, and if Alibaba went through the same hell as he did but didn't turn out like him, then that means... Cassim could've, too. It meant Cassim was right to hate himself, that there was always something wrong with him.

And he created that narrative in his head to justify giving up on himself. It was easier, after all, than to keep trying over and over again.

But you know who kept trying? Alibaba. Cassim thinks the slums (or any other tragedies in his life) didn't influence him in any way, but that's wrong. Alibaba is extremely insecure & he hates himself, too, but not to the point of giving up completely.

But at the same time, Cassim isn't completely wrong. Fate set him up for failure by giving him that scum of a father, who abused him until he disappeared, while Alibaba had a loving mother who kept him safe. Cassim was severly traumatized, and it was something that never healed. He was a fucking child.

Like, bro, I have so many thoughts about it all, I just struggle to convey it right now. It's such a mess that cannot be perceived as good-vs-evil dilema, bc it's not. It's too complicated for that. You can see where everybody's coming from, and even though you can't condone Cassim's actions,you can at least understand why it happened. What led him to that place. And you can't fucking blame Alibaba for not doing more, because he was a goddamn child, too.

Two victims of circumstances, too young for any of this and living in a world that just didn't care about them. It was always going to end in tragedy.

It is unfair. It's extremely, extremely unfair.

Fucking sick. Cassim's feelings are just that overhelming.

I've already said it. But Cassim's perspective on things is just like that.

And by GOD it's fucking cathartic to se Alibaba fight back. Because

That's exactly what it is. Cassim just assuming things about Alibaba, and then getting mad about it. It'd be different if he was actually mad at Alibaba, but he isn't. He's mad at his image of him, and Alibaba has every right to be furious. Especially right now, after hearing all that cruel shit, and after all the other things Cassim had done to him. To realize that all of this happened not becaues there was something wrong with him, but because Cassim had put him on some weird pedestal he also wanted to throw him off of. Like, bro.

This looks kind of funny, ngl.

I can't fucking believe I'm already starting to tear up. Idk man, just look at Cassim's face when Alibaba says there's no need for that between them. It's like his anger is evaporating.

And all it does is leave soul-deep exhaustion.

This fucking imagery. God.

Bro

I was busy being sad, but my brain decided to point out that it looks like Alibaba is eating himself. I just can't.

So, uh, fun fact, since I worked out my issues with dissociation, it turns out I tear up pretty damn easily.

Anyway, I'm fucking just

Bro, I can't do this man. And also, Alibaba isn't stupid, he's actually pretty damn perceptive, but he just doesn't always... do much about it. Admitting it and confronting... It's horrifying. After all if he admits it, he risks their already shaky friendship, he also risks outing himself as "too different". He never belongs anywhere, too royal for the slums, and too much of a slum kid for the royalty. No place accepts him fully, and he knows it, at least on some level, so he clings to what he can even if it means running away from the issue. Becaues he can't risk it. He hates being alone.

I know I've made this point several times, but tbh, it's such a intrinsic part of who Alibaba is that it just keeps on being relevant.

Back to depression k

Bro. You can't fucking do this to me. Sorrowful as shit.

Yeah. And, like, there's nothing wrong with being different. That's just how it is.

This what could've been always gets me, but I'll give the anime props when it's deserved, bc I feel like it hits harder.

Idk man, I just. I always end up crying for this dumb bitch

[sariels-world-ella]

@ask-beta-anders I'm back, and... I have barely changed a bit!!! Only thing new is being... MORE ENERGETIC AS EVER!!!! I AM MORE ECCENTIC, HYPER AND READY FOR ACTION THEN I EVER BEEN, YOU BASTARD (endearing)!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Jokes Aside, I am very energetic, except when I am not, actually I'm a lot of things except when I am not, to be fair.

For everyone else's infomation, Beta and I were friends since the August of 2021, (the only online friend I had longer than that is Sylphs and she's very cool and a very lovely person, who I met through Youtube) I don't know the exact date but, I know it was August because I had recently started my sophomore year and haven't had my birthday yet at the time. The date when we were tumblr Mutuals however, I am not exactly sure? It wasthe same month I believe? It was at least the same year...

I know he commented on an old post of mine and I thought he seemed nice so I followed him, I am not sure if he was following me first or not, (but I think he was..?) Then, I made something for him and sent it as a submission, he tumblr messaged me to thank me for it and, not going to lie, I was like a skittish cat and my mind was like "AHHH!!! WHY IS HE TALKING TO ME????? WHY IS HE INTERACTING WITH ME??? WHY? WHY? WHY????" but, I am pretty sure I responded in a calm way but yeah I was still EXTREMELY nervous, okay??!?

It's funny how I went from terrified getting a message from him, to always being excited to get a message from him, but I'll get back to my recounting of how I became friends with this guy.

Okay, so then he made a post about wanting to work with someone, it took me a bit to build the courage to try to offer my help, I almost didn't do it because, even though I am a very friendly and welcoming person I'm also a very paranoid introvert, who can be very skittish, but sometimes I'm not and very open to talking to people other times even if I knew the person for a long while I'll debate whether or not to say hello.

it's funny think about the fact Ed and I could have easily never been friends or at least not closely, if I didn't take up the opportunity but that's just some alternate history speculation, we could have possibly became friends still since we briefly interacted before, but besides me showing concern for him for events that would happen that I had no involvement with, but I find it unlikely I would really interacted with him much.

When we did start talking, we said somethings about ourselves, certain things he said about himself were already information I had gathered on him or concluded about him from profiling him. I did get his age wrong though, probably since I always assume people online are a lot older than me but I knew he either couldn't be too much older than me because of his writing style. I am very perceptive. Though i wasn't able to guess he was only 7 months older than me, though in hindsight, it made sense.

Anyway, a bunch of interactions later, I started to warm up to him and have less anxiety talking to him, though I do always have the fear of scaring him off but I have that fear towards everyone I consider a friend, but since people tend to trust me very quickly, which, I guess it's my charm that someone in the past has referred it to as "a very supernatural calming presence that's a bit freaky if you are very aware/perceptive." I must be doing something right.

He tried to make me talk to his friend Joshua, I declined out of anxiety. He made me talk to Ben, which basically it felt like I was hiding under a table chiming in sometimes and basically just listening in on their conversation.

Then eventually things came up, couldn't really interact with him very freely which at first I was like, "it's fine! He's just an online friend, I can't be that important to him, and I probably won't miss him too much!" I was... uhh... very dead wrong!!! got to be the 2nd most dead wrong I have ever been, the 1st being the time 3 year old me believed that colorful leprechauns run on a treadmill to make the slushie mechine work.

Now, I can talk to that poor bastard and nothing can stop me! Besides maybe, an international restraining order and blocking me on multiple social media websites, or the lack of communication devices!! Or something out of my control entirely....