#<- does it show i’m a little. sick of cis people atm

[mymyhowtheturntables]

Feeling a lot like will getting manipulated and shit on by everyone in his life atm, when all I’m doing is my Very Best All The Time. If you don’t care to see the person behind this blog absolutely infodumping about the shitshow that is the past year of their life, absolutely do not feel obligated to read this ❤️ put your own mental health first my loves, read ahead if ye dare...

TW if you choose to read on: mental health, physical health, and all the struggles within. I’m going to be extra cautious tagging this to filter out as many things as possible, but lmk if I should add more or even delete this.

So almost exactly a year ago, I got sick. I tested negative for the flu, mono, strep, basically every illness they could test for. It was extremely difficult to breathe, get out of bed, swallow, basically all that fun stuff that comes with a horrendous virus or infection. It passed after about a week, and I had maybe five days of getting back to near healthy. Then one day I was in Walmart with my roommate, and suddenly my legs hurt so bad I couldn’t walk. This pain progressed over the next few days sending me to and from the doctors office because I was 20 and there was no reason for me to be basically crippled. With the pain came severe weakness in my thighs and an even worse sort of chronic fatigue than I’d had the previous decade of my life. I ended up having to move because of mobility issues, and ultimately had to drop out of college to pursue pain management and with the hopes of eventual rehabilitation.

I spent months in aquatic physical therapy, and drove hours a week to see general practitioners, rheumatologists, neurologists, physiatrists, a cardiologist, and even an orthopedic. None of my tests came back remotely abnormally, and all of my doctors assured me it would pass. Spoiler alert: it hasn’t. Then covid hit, and I found myself stuck in Vermont without access to any doctors or help. My poor health has alienated me from friends and family, because no one can really understand what I’m going through. And that’s so fucking hard, to exist in a world where all we want to do is feel seen but no one can live in our shoes.

I’m 21 now, and on seven different pain medications with no more answers than I started with. I walk with crutches and canes, and need a wheelchair if I’m to be on my feet for more than 15 minutes. I can’t work other than Instacart, which ruins my legs for days. I can’t run, or hike, or drive far, or really do anything that used to bring my days some joy. I’ve been fighting severe mental health issues since before I was even 10, and I have such little fight left in me. I find myself hating those who love me just because they won’t let me go, and I really don’t know who is more selfish; me for wanting to be done with all this, or them for keeping me against my wishes.

I just really can’t find the good in this, or even the okay. And that’s the crux of the issue. I’m not physically, mentally, or emotionally okay in the least, but I still have to pay rent and buy food and cook and take care of everyone around me. I have to wake up everyday and choose between showing people how bad it is, or putting the up facade that they know and love. They say they’ll love me no matter what, but when I’m upset it just upsets them and when I hurt it just hurts them. I don’t want them in pain, but I can’t pretend that their sympathy or empathy does anything other than make me feel guilty of being a burden.

Sharing things doesn’t come easily to me at all, I’m too traumatized to let people read me and I don’t outwardly react to things. There’s a reason I’ve never shared this, and am only doing so on my side blog. Even my fiancé doesn’t know what’s going through my head. That’s on purpose. I don’t think he could understand what it’s like to be told that I’m the scourge of society everyday. I should be healthy, I should be cis, I should be working, I should be in school, I should be okay, but I can’t be.

I don’t have a good way to wrap this up. I’m suffering, but then again, aren’t we all right now? The worlds so fucked up, and I don’t know how much more I can take. I don’t know if anyone even cares but I don’t want to worry anyone who could read this, so I want to make sure y’all know: I’m safe, and I’m present in this moment and will continue to be in the future. It’s just all so fucking hard. But this is the life I was born to live I guess, and it’s the only one I have. I hope you are all in the best place you can be right now, and I appreciate each and every one of you ❤️

[fatui-harbingers]

Soooo episode 4 is just... Weird.

I'm especially tired of hearing about Jon supposedly being a better ruler when he and Daenerys seem to be about the same. Everyone just wants Jon on the throne bc they know they can manipulate him (I love him but he is easy to manipulate sometimes). People don't want Daenerys bc they can't control her and they're mad about it now that they know they can't.

I saw some people saying that Daenerys was manipulating Jon but like I saw none of that coming from her. She was like the only person that wasn't up to no good. Every single one of my family members is manipulative so I know it when I see it! And also bc I do a little manipulation of my own to survive capitalism as a jobless teen so I know what it's like to be manipulated and to manipulate! Daenerys wasn't doing that but trying to prevent more problems for everyone, including Jon.

I was a bit disappointed in Jon but I don't hate him it anything. I just don't think he's quite used to sharing feelings and speaking his mind. I did wish he has said “I love you” back to Daenerys. And obviously, I know things are gonna be a little off till he fully makes peace/comes to terms with his true parentage bc I'm pretty sure he loves her all the same. And I'm happy we got to hear him say that Daenerys is his queen and nothing would change that.

I want to smack some sense into Jon! You don't have a furry friend and then NOT pet them before you leave! And you sure as heck don't just give them away! Leaving pets for even a few hours is terrible for me so that scene just made no sense to me whatsoever.

Let me just say I am as tired of watching dragons die and I am of all the misogyny in this shows writing. As an animal lover, it wasn't hard at all to fall in love with the dragons bc they just seem so realistic and they have personality. So watching them die is terrible. Especially bc I know how it feels to lose a nonhuman creature you see as your child. It's horrible, as anyone that's ever had that bond with an animal knows. And knowing that Drogon is all alone without his brothers now is just heartbreaking! Poor sweet baby only has his mama now and no dragon bros to wander the skies with 😭😭😭

Jaime leaving Brienne made me so upset. She doesn't ask for much but she wanted him to stay and he couldn't even do that for her. I do understand that it's hard to get out and let go of toxic/abusive relationships bc there's usually so much that went into them but I really thought he had left Cersei for good. But hey, this season seems to be about stupid decisions with zero logic behind them!

I'm just sick of Sansa this season. I don't want to be but she's been written so horribly I can't ignore it and make excuses anymore. I think Bran is the only true-born Stark I actually like at this point bc he's chill. And I really don't understand Arya leaving Winterfell after all that family talk.

I OBVIOUSLY hated how Sansa and Sandor talked about Sansa’s rape. I can't think of any rape victims being glad they were raped and abused but what can I expect from misogynistic writing. What a disappointment.

I'm pretty disappointed that Sansa shared Jon’s secret and has put Daenerys (and even Jon!) in danger (which I suppose she would be happy about since she's a petty manipulator now). I understand why Jon wanted her and Arya to know bc I hate keeping secrets from people I love and trust too, it doesn't feel good. It feels a lot like lying. But I do think he should have listened to Daenerys and not told anyone or just told Arya since she is trustworthy at least. I just can't believe the writers would make Sansa do such a thing and still try to make Daenerys look like the villain (which I don't see bc I understand people and feelings and enjoy actually learning about human behavior however I can).

I ugly cried when Missandei died bc she was so pure and intelligent and just perfect. And obviously bc I love her so much. The world didn't deserve her! That was so horrible I can't even believe they did that to her. Especially considering she was the only woc left on the show! I did love her last words though. I just can't believe she died in chains 😭

I don't see what everyone is talking about in terms of Dany going “mad”. I see a human woman reacting to loss after loss, betrayal after betrayal in such a normal, human way. I honestly feel like I actually am going insane and I haven't suffered anything compared to Daenerys! Missandei was clearly the last straw and I don't blame Daenerys for anything she does now (I probably wouldn't anyway bc I do understand how war works and don't blame the strongest woman for it first chance I get). Like seriously, her haters’ internalized misogyny is showing!

I officially hate Cersei now bc she had Missandei killed. That is not something I can look past just bc she's kinda relatable or used to be anyway.

And I'm so done with Varys. Tyrion seemed pretty cool this episode so I don't hate him atm. He was trying to defend Daenerys at least.

I just don't like the brutality of this episode. Some deaths make sense but some don't (and I mean in the series as a whole, not just this episode)! If all I wanted was blood and gore and murder I would watch nothing but John Wick type movies and play games like Call of Duty. I love fantasy. I love magick and I love romance and I especially loved how this fantasy in particular managed to still seem realistic with dragons and direwolves and magick and all the neat stuff we don't have in the real world (well, except magick, we do have that). I only play Nintendo games for a reason! I'm gonna have to force myself to get back to reading the books now just to get to know the real characters and all the storylines that were left out.

I honestly feel betrayed after watching this last episode. I've never been so invested in something like this and I probably won't be again tbh bc I don't think anything could compare. The way things are playing out upset me as a woman and as a feminist, especially knowing this is a global thing! You find want to be sending the wrong messages when everyone on Earth is watching.

I feel played! I guess that's what I get for being optimistic about something for a change. I always get tricked into looking on the “bright side” only to be disappointed yet again! And almost always by men or humanity as a whole. I much prefer expecting the worst and not being disappointed when it happens. Though I seem to always hope for the best and prepare for the worst so I guess this is going to be an endless cycle for me, lol.

Not sure why I'm always surprised when straight white guys disappoint me, especially when they're in charge of telling the stories of women and poc or even just anyone that isn't a straight white cis guy. I suppose we can only imagine how different (and probably better) this show would have been if there were more female writers, especially woc!!! Gosh, I bet the show would have been 10x better. Oh well, I guess.

I think that's the end of my personal rant over episode 4, lol.

[pansyfemme]

It's amazing how many people I've met who can seemingly only use they/them for people who do not use they/them

REAL AND TRUE. there are like. so many people ive met who consistantly and constantly misgender people i know who use they/them but when its me, or another binary trans person? they’re suddenly a they/them expert. so good at it. never mess up ever