#>no haha.. sorry i meant the commands like. stuff you type in chat

[stare-but-dont-see]

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[fairytsuk1]

my heart weeps for you. (a)

pairing: izuku midoriya x reader

genre: angst

warning: graphic descriptions of injuries, character death

words: 3.1k

summary: please find me in my next life so I can properly tell you that I love you!

a/n: this is a long emotional one, please enjoy it :)

 Midoriya used to think that he'd only ever felt genuine sorrow in his life the day his mentor, father, and a love of his passed away.

 "I'm so proud of you, Young Midoriya...I suppose you aren't so young anymore, are you?" his hand rested atop his poofy hair, Toshinori could almost see him when he was much younger. When his embraces still had the familiar teenage gentleness behind them, he'd grown up so much, "I am proud of you. To know that you are my successor is the greatest gift you could have ever given me." 

 Midoriya had watched Toshinori take his final breaths after he proudly exhaled those three long-lasting words. He didn't cry then. Only when he was lost in the coldness of his bedsheets did his heart weep from anguish as though he had lost a part of himself. He hated the sky and the way it shone so brightly because he would never get to see All Might look up at it once more before smiling. 

 The world looked at the number one hero as a symbol of peace and that he was! He saved the day as Deku with a small pin of his former mentor near his breast, a constant reminder that he was always with him. Grief lasted what felt like forever, but every day things grew just a bit easier. Only, his biggest regret was that Toshinori Yagi had never gotten to meet you. He would have loved you. It seemed that people who had changed Izuku's life could never coexist. It was if life was trying to tell him something. 

 In the end, it's just you.

 The next time he felt genuine sorrow was on a day bright like the one before. Though the pain wasn't because of how alone he felt or how much he missed those who had passed...No, he felt the wave of sorrow overtake him the moment you'd died in his arms. Unlike last time, he wept. His heart cried out for you even when he chose not to think about it. It wept his entire life, for he was never able to find the same type of love ever again.

 "Deku! It's me, Signal, I'm sorry I'm late! The train was packed! This lady asked for help retrieving her cat, and I just couldn't say no in my hero get-up! But I am truly honored to be your sidekick. I will do my best for our newfound team!"

 You were young and bright and so colorful. Your hero outfit was a pure white and gave you this sense of innocence, but the red rings gave you a bold and courageous aura. You looked more like an angel rather than a hero. He didn't prefer the traditional cliches when it came to romance, but he couldn't help but feel shocked when suddenly things seemed brighter around him. You made things seem brighter.

"Huh?! It's no trouble at all! Really, don't worry about it! That was great for you to do, you're gonna have everyone's vote in the popularity poll if you keep it up. Ready for patrol?"

 You reached into your bag and grabbed a clunky helmet with a black shaded screen, it covered your face. Midoriya felt a frown tug his lips before scolding himself. Why are you frowning at her costume? You haven't known her well enough to be upset by how she looks! Later, he would grin in happy remembrance when he had gone to visit your grave. He hadn't frowned because he thought you were ugly, he'd frowned because he thought you were beautiful.

 You talked a lot, mostly about the latest things in pop-culture and anything to do with animals. You seemed to be really into music and saving stray dogs. You also tended to ramble about the mundane things in life like blue-spotted pigeons or plump old ladies offering homemade churros. You also ate with your helmet on, and it made you look pretty silly. He couldn't stop himself from grinning every time you turned your whole body to talk to him. You never knew what he was smiling at. 

 "Okay, watch this!" he watched you intently while sitting on the park bench, he didn't want to ask what exactly he was supposed to be seeing and had no idea if there was supposed to be anything at all.

"Um-haha! I don't see anything--"

 Neon pink. A blushing emoticon with small letters appearing under it. 

 "Signal loves Deku!"

 It was like he could hear Mina's words saying that when he blushed, he looked like a firetruck. He was sure he looked like a million firetrucks right then.

 "It's true! I'm a big fan and I've always dreamed of being near you! It's like a confession towards your senpai! Have you ever seen those types of anime? It's usually done better in the manga, but I like the romantic connotations either way. Pretty cool, right? During a stressful mission, I thought it might be better to display messages so people would know it's okay while I'm still kicking ass! Also-" 

 He laughed so sweetly that it felt like drinking honey and milk. He'd never heard of displaying messages like that, it was different! But it was a good type of different, a uniqueness that made you stand out. It was weird how he had only briefly met you once under the cherry blossom trees when it felt like he'd known you forever. He had only first seen you in your third-year school sports festival at his Alma Mater, but it felt like he'd been with you before. Your energy felt so familiar, and you felt so warm. He chalked it up to your infectious bubbly personality, but he had no idea how deep your energy truly ran.

 His sidekick Signal gave him a rush he had never felt before. You were sweet, but your quirk was terrific and incredibly powerful, you could sense civilians and give out concentrated waves of vibrations to either alert heroes or ward off villains. The two of you worked like a well-oiled machine because when he punched? You rescued. When you signaled? He arrived. When you both started? You both finished. 

 "Hey, Deku? Did you know that I love spicy pork ramen?"

"Is this your way of telling me we should get ramen?"

 "...No."

"Let's go then! I'll pay since I  am  the older one, of course," he grinned back at you, "let's get going short-stuff!"

 "I'm average!! We've been over this before you bozo!"

 It wasn't a date, it was just dinner after work. No biggie. Midoriya didn't need to fix his hair when he walked past the department stores' glass, and he didn't need to nervously look away from your eyes when you spoke with such intensity. 

 "Am I too young for you?"

 His beer sputtered out from his lips like a faucet; quickly, he began to mumble apologies as the brown liquid was wiped away from the table and his chin, "young?! What do you mean too young?!"

 "It's just as I said! I'm only nineteen and you' re-gosh-like twenty-five? No, twenty-six! Am I too young for you?"

"Hey!! I'm only twenty-three! I'm not some old geezer or a pervert or something!! ... You're just fine but...dating looks problematic, so we should just avoid it. Especially for your future career because of power dynamics and stuff."

 "Dating? I was talking about being a sidekick."

"W-What?!"

 You tossed your head back and barked out a laugh as you blatantly made fun of him, "I'm just messing with you! I meant what I said. If it's so problematic, then please wait for me!"

 It had only been six months since he'd met you under a bright blue sky with one wispy cloud floating in it. It had been only a year since he first saw you on his tablet with the most radiant smile on your face even though you'd lost to your opponent.

 It had only been six months since he had properly gotten to know you, and it was at this moment he could confidently tell himself that he loved you. Even with that clunky helmet.

"Okay, I'll wait for you. But you better not make me wait too long! Who knows what'll happen?"

 He wished he wouldn't have jinxed it.

 Red was a fantastic color on you and you knew it. It was merely coincidental that it matched his tie and the two of you looked like a couple. The whispers and comments weren't malicious, they were just curious. Who was Deku toting on his arm? Why did they look so compatible? At first, your curious eyes wandered all over the Pro-Hero Praise Party. (It has an official name, but after hearing your joyful excitement of being able to attend a "Praise Party," it just stuck.). You took it all in before glancing back at him with an open mouth of awe.

 "So, are the snacks any good?"

 Of course you were amazed. After shrugging in response to your question, Midoriya watched you quickly run off to chat with some of the girls, Uravity and Froppy. You were weird if he was going to be honest, you had this childlike excitement that followed you wherever you went but at the same time...you had a presence. It was commanding, demanding, and it called everyone to pay attention to you. You shone so brightly that it stuck to people's hearts like superglue; walking away almost made his vision go blurry because oh my god, please don't let that force be taken away from me.  

 You always came running back though. When things began to get a bit more intense with flirtatious comments or lots of alcohol, you were always there to seek comfort. With your exuberant nature came his calming one. You two fit together like two peas in a pod.

 "Izuku? I have to tell you something."

"Yeah?"

 "I...I had a good time! Thank you for bringing me as your plus one to the party!"

 He raised a brow in confusion as the two of you stood outside your apartment complex.

"Oh! I had a good time too! We should go to more, it's fun with you," was that coming on a bit too strong? Is that  creepy ?! "I--"

 Soft lips on his cheek, you had to go up a step because he was just that much taller than you. The gloss made it a bit sticky but you pulled away with a heart-shaped smile.

 "Pervert! You're blushing!"

"You're the weird one! Didn't your parents ever teach you not to fool around with older people??"

 "Psh, don't pull the 'I'm your senior' schtick!! I heard enough about it from Mr. Ground Zero!..."

 He smiled and stepped down, letting a hand squeeze your shoulder. He didn't want to make you uncomfortable with too much affection.

 "Well...Big day tomorrow, I'm going to jump right into bed!"

"Got it! Me too! See you later, and thank you. F-For the kiss."

 You grinned, your teeth nearly blinding him as you squeezed his hand before turning to go into the complex. 

 "Also, that hand move was a little weird. Just hug me next time! There!" You stuck your tongue out and hummed, "romantic advice from someone younger than you! Suck it!"

 That night, he lay in bed, wishing you were there with him. You two could lie together or watch movies or do anything, really. He just wanted to be close to you. He liked being close to you. 

 You lie curled up on your side, eyes wide as the heat from your previous action coursed through your veins. Hands lightly rubbed the frilly fabric of the pillow before you squeezed your eyelids shut. Oh, how much you wished the warmth was his and not the space heater near your bed.

 SEND DISPATCH OUT! DEKU AND SIGNAL ARE UNRESPONSIVE! NO WORD FROM INSIDE THE BUILDING, WE NEED SOMEONE TO LIFT THE PILLARS! 

 Dust and crumbled roof fell onto Midoriya's face as he coughed and took in a deep inhale, the fall must've been bad considering the next cough brought up blood. Broken ribs? For sure, he'd broken enough bones to know that the affected area had been his ribs. He was just lucky enough that his hero costume provided enough support to keep him from having anything  too  serious. Well, he supposed broken bones were still pretty serious...his mind's wandering. Focus on the task at hand.

"Signal? Are you there?" Silence. He wheezed and moved away from the dust waterfall. It was a small area and...he could see the white of your costume easily! Hey! "Y/N! Oh, why didn't you say anything…"

 The words died in his throat. Red had pooled around you and a pillar lie where your midsection would be. Your helmet had cracked, and the screen was glitching between various emoticon faces. You lie still and stiff with your hair in your face. 

 "Izuku?..."

"Don't speak! Don't do anything! I'm gonna get this pillar off of you, and then I'm going to get you some help. Can you say okay?"

 "Kay...It doesn't hurt too bad…"

 He didn't respond as he leaped over the pillar to see the damage that had been done and how easily he could lift the object. He felt like vomiting when his feet landed on the bone in your ankle. It should've hurt badly with his steel-toed shoes and all, but you made no noise. He glanced back in concern before crouching down and examining your leg.

 "You're taking so long, I'm tired…"

"...Can you...can you move your leg?"

"What do you mean? They were crushed, can't feel 'em at all."

 If he pulled on your leg, the muscle and tendons would be exposed like red string and yarn. The blood would pool out of your thigh and further stain the concrete. The pillar that came crashing down had caught you on the way down, severing your spine when it hit the ground. If he lifted this pillar, your guts would spill out, and you would bleed out, and you'd be  dead  and holy fuck there's so much blood--

 You sniffled, you had figured it out too.

 "I can't feel them, Izuku, please, where are my legs?!"

"They're...Well…"

 "It's fucking, oh my god, they're not there. Izuku, am I going to die!? I can get surgery, right? I'll be fine!" You breathed heavily and began to squirm around, "I can still be a hero! I-I'm still a sidekick! It's fine, right?!"

"Please stop moving…" The chip in his ear buzzed loudly though all he could feel and hear was static. He felt paralyzed, what could he do? His favorite girl lies in two pieces because a building happened to collapse, "I'm coming back over there."

 You'd begun to cry in earnest, fat tears rolled down your cheeks as your arms beat down on the pillar.

 "Stop! I'm fine! Deku! Just pull this fucking thing off of me! I'm  fine !" You screamed out in fear, "Please!"

 He knelt down and cradled your head with his arms, he smelled like sweat and the rainforest. He felt his eyes well, he was hardly able to blink the tears back. Your voice wavered as you asked the dreaded question. It was much softer this time.

 "Will I die?"

  How do you tell someone they will die no matter what happens? The silence hung poignant in the air as the distant sound of sirens blared as background noise.

"I'm so sorry! It's my fault! I should've grabbed you when I had the chance!"

 "Shut up. Don't think like that. Don't say something like that!! How could it be your fault when a villain attacked this building? It wasn't you, was it?"

 Your arm reached up to his face and cupped his cheek, your eyes memorizing every green swirl and every eyelash. There was no time to ponder on what to say, the sirens grew closer. You didn't have time to think about how scary death was or what would come when it was all over. The pillar was going to be lifted soon, and then you'd be gone.

 "I'm sorry, Izuku. To leave you this way... I'm so sorry," the words felt like arrows in his heart. So final and spoken so softly. Like you'd already made up your mind, how could you make up your mind in a time like this?!

"You're not gonna leave; if I activate my quirk, I can race you to the medics in thirty seconds, maybe twenty. That's our plan, okay? And then I can--"

 "I love you."

"Stop it! Stop saying things like you're ready to go! You aren't! I'm not! Just stop!"

 "I love you."

"Please, I'm not ready...Please keep living with me, I just want to be with you!" He clenched his fist as tears freely fell onto your cheeks, mixing with your own, "This won't be your last time saying this, I promise! Just let me…" 

 You smiled, no teeth this time. Just your lips curving upwards.

"Don't leave me…"

 "I love you!" It was merely a whisper this time.

 The rock near them was blown away, surely by someone's quirk. But all he could see was your smile and your kind but sorrowful eyes.

 "I'm sorry I made you wait so long. I love you, Izuku."

 The lump in his throat ached as he smiled and took your hand off his cheek, interlacing the fingers together. The other free hand came to push the hair out of your face. Would he say it?

 He stared down at the red and white headstone, custom made. It even had your aura with the bright flowers adorning the soft patch of grass in front of it. He knelt down, leaving red and white roses. He supposed red should be an awful color, having seen you drenched in it in your final moments. But whenever he thought of red, he just remembered those rings that made you look so bright. That dress that made you look so beautiful. The lips that often smiled at him. The love you two had shared.

"I'm sorry I couldn't say it then. But I hope you knew that I loved you too."

 It was another day of bright blue skies with fluffy clouds and warm wind. He guessed that All Might would have been enjoying a nice cup of tea while he reminisced. As for you, he assumed you'd be out there saving cats and dogs while accepting churros from strangers.

 It was one of the many bright blue-skied days, but one of the first without you.

[gawaine]

by popular demand: welcome to the saga of Fuckboy Supreme

*sigh* aka i’m dumb, what’s new

i’m going to try and keep this short bc ffs

Fuckboy Supreme (FS for short). Mr Popular of my cohort. hangs out at the back w/ the rest of the rugby boys. blonde, blue eyed... not my type.

i’d identified him as the FS of the year early on and Blonde Pop and I established that he, and my other friend Steffan, were probably the two best looking single guys in our course (not saying much). I heard that he was from money and was clearly trying to hide it (E much?) and I saw a lot of similarities. he was interesting to watch every now and then but I didn’t think we’d ever really cross paths.

except one day, we end up thrown together in clin. skills, alongside his best friend + housemate (Human Shield, for future reference. he becomes important later) and we kind of chat and lo and behold, he’s actually a pretty chill guy? nice enough to talk to. to the point where I tell my friends this (we all sit together down at the front) and I shock both FS and HS when I see them around and say hi (after HS and I spend a hospital shift together on NICU). more importantly, in that clin. skills session, me and HS are meant to “watch [FS] closely” to give feedback and I notice that this dude’s legs are absolutely insane, sculpted out of effing marble, and that same day, he’s happy to whip off his shirt (we’re doing resp. exams) and keep it off as he talks to someone. and I see he has a scar on his shoulder and ofc bc ME I’m like “omg sO PRETTY AND CLEAN” and he lets me basically play around with his weird af shoulder (old injury, post-surgery) as he chats to one of our tutors and I’m chatting to another tutor about the scarring. and he smells clean and he’s not super sculpted, as one would expect, but he’s lean in a natural, soft kinda way and i’m like okay, cool. and we chat a little and he’s nice about me not having a science background and w/e.

weeks go by, we say hi every now and then. then I slowly become obsessed with his legs.

it’s a slow process but the boy keeps walking into lectures, right by my seat to get to his, and he wears shorts and seriously... l e g s. but I’m wary of this so I’m happy to objectify him and for a time it works; idgaf if he notices (he doesn’t) and my friends find it hilarious, but I tell them I’m not interested in anything above the neck (or really, anything that isn’t thighs down) bc happy to stare and not know a thing about his personality thank you very much.

... I go out of my way to stand by that. and then, in a particularly shitty lecture one day, as I’m contemplating trying a psych shift, I realise the only person I know of who’s done what I’m interested in is... FS.

I decide fuck it, I’ll just message and ask - no being polite or friendly, straight to the point bc it’s work and I’m not there to open a door (even though, and I tell the girls this, by opening up messaging I feel like I am). this causes a non-stop 45min FB chat - I mean non-stop - and he’s hilarious. super hilarious. he’s also flirting w/ me and whilst I know this is all bc he’s FS (and I tell him so - he finds it v. funny), it’s a fun convo and it’s harmless and I reckon he’s just playing up bc we’re both bored.

... things escalate quickly.

we message back and forth a lot - he’s very quick and sharp, so he keeps up w/ me easily, but I’m treating him as I would anyone else. this lasts a while, but he keeps flirting and I keep telling him he’s a moron and eventually say if he keeps it up I’m just going to treat him like a psych experiment.

... I assume him continuing means he knows i’m being serious.

he becomes my psych experiment. lots of things being studied, including E and stuff from my dissertation etc etc and although at this point I know we’re embroiled in a weird power struggle, I stop giving a fucks because hey, he’s an experiment to me and i’m an unofficial therapist for him, right? win win. i don’t NEED to give a fuck about how it comes across.

2 weeks later, i’m sitting in the library while he’s at home, and we end up arguing over FB. he starts off polite but it quickly becomes i’m being intrusive, messaging him a lot, etc; why can’t I treat him like Aussie Essex (Blonde Pop’s housemate and my friend, as well as FS’) aka a normal friend and I’m like “lol but we’re not friends”, which we’ve both acknowledged before, but my stance is: I know things about him bc I asked specific things bc psychoanalysis. He doesn’t know anything about me. Friendship is mutual, that isn’t. basically I’m like “look, i’m sorry, have a nice life” in nicer words (bc I’m lost bc in my mind - I TOLD him he was a psych experiment??) and he’s all “what so you’re going to ignore me forever now haha” in not so many words and I’m like ???, but when he doesn’t respond, i’m like cool, we’re dead to each other, fine.

the girls notice how fucking ICE COLD we are w/ each other when we’re in the common room, though we wouldn’t normally talk, and Trout (not indicative of her face; a girl we both know, a member of the School - aka the group of girls who worship FS and his friends in my year, they have literally sat at FS’ feet before - who at this point, has been watching me and FS for a while) gets smug. bear in mind, after that first FB chat, I was throwing an event as co-president of the trauma society and was making the rounds around the common room to see who was coming and, after some initial back and forth, I commanded FS to come and he was like “fuck OKAY. okay? shit yes, okay” (he didn’t come and was meant to help me get numbers, but he fucked that too. idk if it was deliberate. it was a success anyway tho so w/e) and Trout was all ?!?!?! because she watches FS like a hawk and so he and I talking clearly confused her

but then a few days later he sees me sitting alone in lectures where I don’t usually sit and he’s like “morning Hannah” and, too shocked to do anything else, I auto-reply “morning [FS]” and just like that we’re okay again?

after the fight, I message him once - a silly message in a lecture by a 1st world Barbie - to test his reaction to the lecture more than anything else, but he doesn’t reply, which I suspected, but after that... no FB. I refuse to break that rule.

BUT I do grab him a couple of times when he walks by my seat in the break; I apologise face-to-face after he says hi and he apologises for the misunderstanding regarding the argument (he may have said hi after that?? idk) and he basically demands we’re friends and I’m like yeah whatever sure pal

but then he walks in one day wearing a beanie just like E’s and I. i just. it becomes a thing. i have a really cute bobble hat I wear every day bc our lecture theatre is colder than the Arctic fucking circle and so as I joke about him competing, I’m really freaking out bc that’s when I realise just how MUCH he reminds me of E. this hat becomes a Thing. I grab it one time and threaten to keep it hostage with Blonde Pop in front of all of his friends and they look at me like I’m insane, confused, lost at how I, a Front Row Person, dares to challenge FS. I’m literally in high school again.

aware of that, I die it down... and long story short, somehow, FS starts saying hi more and more in the morning and we have these mini chats (once the hat thing dies down), but it’s really tiny.

then I fuck up my wrist.

it pisses me off bc he’s clearly curious but doesn’t ask and I’m like “further proof we’re not friends” to myself but by this point, so much little shit has happened that all of my friends know what’s going on (lbr they did anyway) and his School are aware of me too - but OH - so there was this med school ball thing and we both went and that’s when I got more E vibes and I was like “fuck this” bc the more I avoided it the more it was happening and he was avoiding me and so AFTER that I was like “fuck this” and planned on ignoring him but that just... didn’t happen (I’m omitting so much of the finer details).

so yeah, he’s annoying me about my wrist bc he’s eavesdropping when I talk to my friend about it, but... nothing? so I’m like w/e fuck this dude and by this point, as an accidental by product of me being pissed with him at the ball (and myself), I’m dealing with some other male Situations and it’s pissing me off 

bUT then exam week arrives and we have a really lovely chat before anatomy and he’s being all sweet and friendly and the School is confused and HS is confused (HS is perpetually confused when it comes to me and FS, which is odd, bc otherwise we’re pretty chill w/ each other) but at this point something doesn’t feel right bc I’m good w/ body language, right? communication, esp non-verbal, is my thing. and he’s being weird.

then I come home for the weekend to get my wrist seen to and Blonde Pop goes out with everyone else to celebrate exams being over (I leave with 2 of my other friends right after) and FS sees Blonde Pop, who he’s spoken to bc of me enough times now, and he asks where I am - and that’s weird bc we NEVER have spoken in a social setting so I’m like??

we get back; he stops before lectures and comments on my temporary cast (fracture clinic appointment tomorrow guys, prayer circle) and says something like “oh, well it’s good it’s completely immobilised” (30mins later i realise why this bothered me; he’s quoted me directly from when he was eavesdropping on me and my friend discussing the injury accidentally, and I’m like aHA I KNEW IT) and I make a flippant comment about yeah, but it’s not great for getting dressed in the morning and he’s like “oh, I’ll help you get dressed” and I look at him like wtf bc lol he’s such a moron but also ??? but then he sees Kelly and bolts, though he was laughing too and trying to justify that comment (badly) and for perspective, I tell Kelly and she immediately picks up my phone to see it and I’m like no, this just happened in person and she’s like what the actual fUCK bc that is not the level FS and I are in person so it’s not just me ok

and then later I see him sitting with Aussie Essex and when I go to speak to AE he’s like “hi??” and me, not hearing him but seeing him watching me, am all flippantly like “oh hey” and carry on but it throws me tf off bc we’ve had our one convo of the day inside the lecture theatre and this is getting weird and i’m immediately like ?? did he sit with Aussie Essex knowing I’d say hi? wtf?

then it’s the end of term pub quiz collecting money for charity (I’m using so much ‘then’, it’s disgusting and u can see i’m not in writer mode) and my gut tells me to avoid FS bc he’s leaving after lectures the next day but everyone is like wtf no come, it’ll be chill, so I do, and it’s fine, and he’s there and right in my line of vision but i’m like w/e w/e and we kinda say hi but it’s in passing and at this point, I’m on good terms with like... the majority of the guys in his little gang (he lives with 4 of them, so I’m polite to all of them on some level) and so when HS is introducing me to his gf, it’s fine... until he’s like “oh btw I forgot to tell you - this is [FS’] girl”

??????????????????

things escalate quickly. first FS sends me hearts, I flip him off, then he starts talking and I can’t hear so I go over and that’s when I get fucking ambushed by his housemate, who I only have spoken to once or so but know his gf but will hereby be known as Buttface... about how they’ve all (FS’ friends) given every girl on each row a percentage of how much they think that girl fancies FS. I’ve scored one of the highest - 73%, alongside another girl with a slight reputation (no judgement) who has been all over FS the majority of the night so far.

the more I defend myself, the more Buttface claims that’s proof of it being true (as a lit grad, do you know how much that logic offends me???) and FS only repeats that he wasn’t a part of the convo, it was only about him so not to blame him. but he listens smugly. things escalate. i’m ashamed to admit i’m so thrown off that i am not my best and as things continue to escalate, i feel too blindsided to do what I want to (though I do half-slap FS once bc I can’t fully slap him in a room full of our course w/o Drama, and though I go to spill a drink on him twice, everyone stops me) and it’s a mess and once it’s over, i’m raging and have to leave. a lot of people stay out though, so half of the lecture is too hungover the next day... so I don’t see FS and that week, we broke off for Xmas break. but before i left, I nudged HS and was like “wtf so you and your house talk about me a lot...” (literally aLL OF FS’ housemates are familiar w/ the topic) and HS is like “nah, I reckon he fancies YOU” and I know HS is a shit stirrer so it pisses me off more

Blonde Pop is raging for me. Broski is like “meh, men”, though Percival takes offence at the shitty logic; but Deej and Cap (who I travelled with) are like lol what this is a victory. in the power struggle, you’re winning. he doesn’t think we know about all of this; but you’re clearly important enough for all of his housemates to know your name. Lulu and Dragon Jock see me the next day; I make Lulu give me a hug bc I’m like “am I giving off hoe vibes??” and Lulu, who is soft and smiley and a cinnamon roll, is all “nO IT’S LAD CULTURE AND IT’S RUBBISH” and it’s very cute and defensive of me and Dragon Jock is just like “lol i’ll hit ‘em”. which is nice.

general consensus is to ignore the fuck outta him come going back in 2 weeks but?? idk if I can? it’s not that simple bc we have the rest of the course together and I know that he’ll act like everything’s fine and if i say why i’m pissed, Buttface will use that as ‘proof’ (rather than me being horrified at their audacity, I mean CHRIST ON A STICK) and if I don’t, it’s still proof... Broski says this won’t go away anytime soon bc of that reason but that isn’t satisfactory either

and like i clearly try to blend into the bg to avoid drama and now i’m like? why bother?? when we all went for takeout in our last night in Swans before heading home, Cap was like “i find it hilarious how you have so much drama around you” and when I was all “i sit in my room and watch Netflix tho??”, he was like “... that’s why it’s hilarious” and tbh yes, but not in a funny way, in more of a dAMN IT way

fuck blending? it makes no difference? hence me accepting my femininity, bc... screw everyone else, I’ll do what the fuck I want 

but yeah. that’s the latest.

also, in slapping him, i felt his stubble and that was not the one.

berate me freely, go forth...