#[ headcanon ] fresh snowfall; fading footprints mark his path

[godkilller]

out of character. Fond flashback to pretty much two decades ago when I first made the decision to not magically heal Gin's lost arm back for my canon-divergent verses and how I started testing out all the things Gin can and can't do with one arm -- and how that ended up with me rolling around on the floor trying to get into his Arrancar Arc cosplay at 2am without using my right arm/hand at all. I was completely normal.

Anyway, frembly remembly that Gin is missing his right arm in both of my main canon divergent verses; Rogue and Redemption. The only canon divergent verse that has his arm magically restored is New Generation, in which he becomes a father with Rangiku. That restoration symbolizes that he's healed and ready to move on.

In my Redemption verse, Gin slowly but surely becomes accustomed to doing things differently, is quite flexible and good at dealing with most obstacles, and even accepts that he'll have to ask for help (usually from Rangiku, but Izuru too) whereas Rogue Gin is used to being mostly alone, so he's gotten very good at avoiding needing help no matter what. He'll use his mouth, his feet, he'll get very creative to work around the fact that he's a loner without a shoulder to lean on.

[godkilller]

Once you're stripped clean, what's at your core?

acerbic wit

you're a mentor — a scarred wolf, an injured soldier, a disgraced paladin. your teachings read as shamelessly pretentious, speaking in rhymes and biting down hard into anyone stupid enough to make the wrong move. this isn't your first life, nor your second, nor your sixth — you'll make the most of your time shackled to this world, no matter how many loops it takes to get it right. with every defeat, you reincarnate; a little smarter, a little quicker, crueler and nastier. will you choose to be brutal, equalizing, that final strike in the face of your enemies? will you go soft, become tender and domesticated? the choice is yours. it's not like i can stop you.

tagged by: i stole it <3 tagging: steal it <3

[godkilller]

Every time Gin sees / senses Rangiku release her Shikai, it immediately reminds him of the fact that its qualities are likely a result of her missing that part of her soul. The fact that Rangiku survived as a child rather than turning to ash like all of the other victims of Aizen's Hogyoku-ingredients purge is never far from Gin's mind. Haineko's ashes make it hard for him to forget -- and Gin doesn't intend on sharing this with Rangiku, even after he tells her the truth about why he joined Aizen's side, as he'd rather not have her thinking of the loss any time she unleashes her power.

[godkilller]

headcanon. Gin can tank a punch (and dish'em out without any problems) ... but he'll still be a little thrown off if someone's able to get into his bubble without him deliberately letting them in range to throw a hit like that. Gin's the type to bring a knife to a fistfight, too, so don't expect him to play fair and let a punch fly without Shinso shooting to lop the hand clean off before it can connect.

[godkilller]

out of character. I forgot if I ever mentioned this, but to clarify so it's on my blog -- after the events of the Thousand Year Blood War, my redemption!verse Gin's restrictions are severely lessened. These amendments to his parole come after months spent rebuilding, mourning the losses, and realizing the aid he provided against the Quincy Invasion justified loosening the leash kept around him. Gin is given back his right to carry Shinso on him, no longer has a curfew, and the seal upon his reiatsu is exchanged for a simple tracker to keep tabs on his location. He's still subject to questioning when deemed necessary by Central 46, but he is not in threat of being jailed if he misses a captain's meeting, for example.

Similarly, in my rogue!verse, Gin's status as a war criminal remains -- yet the clear-cut orders to capture or kill him on sight are waived since he came to aid Soul Society when things grew dire. He slots himself within the same territory as Aizen regarding status amongst the Gotei 13; a threat, but one best left unbothered. Shunsui is valid in deciding to not chase after the two Shinigami that turned the tide of the war in his favor. It's best not to poke the beast known as Aizen Sousuke. If Gin were to go waltzing into a busy area of the Seireitei he'd still earn alarm, defensiveness, and antagonization from all Shinigami within a ten-mile radius, sure, but at least he could pop up in the World of the Living for some convenience store junk food and not trigger a mass-mobilization from the stationed Shinigami nearby.

[godkilller]

headcanon. I think this doesn't really need saying because I've been putting it into my writing for years now, but the main thing I wanted to tackle in terms of Gin's motivations was the whole argument the fandom tended to have about him 'throwing his life away for a piece of a soul/revenge' because it's deeper than that. At the core, behind that anger and bloodlust, there's grief. Grief that it even happened in the first place, grief because he's mourning her loss, yes -- but he's also grieving his own loss. His loss of his childhood, his loss of his self, the things he thought he was so ready to throw away for this goal ---- and how he now can't ever find it again, or believes that to be true at least. And at the very bottom, at that very very center, there's guilt because he blames himself for it happening in the first place. I've tackled the idea of 'survivor's guilt' and that concept with Gin witnessing, at a very young age, a traumatic thing -- and then caring for the victim of that traumatic thing all while internalizing the trauma she's now repressed. Rangiku, by all means, is conveyed as a person who has to some extent forgotten what happened that day. But Gin hasn't. Gin is rooted there, remembering always. He's trapped. He's trapped himself. He feels guilt because Gin thinks it should have been him, he should have gotten some of his soul taken because ---- and this is in retrospect, too ---- he's a captain now, he had power to spare all coiled up and locked inside of himself, surely they should have taken from him instead of her. It's the bargaining stage of grief that gets Gin the most, the whole 'if they had just taken me instead, then it would've been okay' -- and then the anger at himself for being so powerless, for being too slow and not arriving sooner, not finding her there before those men picked at her like vultures. Gin wishes he could've protected her, which also fuels and explains why he became so incredibly strong and blasted through the Academy with a reputation for Shinso to match. Discovered and mastered his Shikai within a single year, and likely shot to lieutenant ranking right after Shinji and co. were exiled. That's motivation -- but it's the sort that also explains why he didn't take on Hollowfication like Tousen did. Gin wanted to do this within his own power, he wanted it to be by his own hand, which touches back on the whole vengeance thing, making it 'personal' but more importantly, it's Gin trying to right a wrong he feels directly responsible for.

Gin's restricted by the narrative of Bleach an awful lot because he's meant to be a side character and his betrayal of Aizen and subsequent death were meant to be a shock-value twist to reveal at the edge of the arc's final climax between Ichigo and Aizen, so of course he couldn't conventionally protect his loved one(s) like other protagonists can. I don't resent Tite for throwing Rangiku into dangerous scenarios, like Ayon's attack, and not showing us even a glimpse of a reaction from Gin because he was trying to not foreshadow (or simply didn't think that much about it) but I think it'd be a disservice to say Gin didn't care with all of his heart he claims he doesn't have anymore just because he didn't leap through Yamamoto's flames to come to her rescue.

But anyways, I digress. He carries guilt with him, and he weaponizes it too -- he grew up internalizing this trauma and coiling in on himself to hide his feelings so that they weren't used against him. He saw these adult figures, like Shinji, try and then harshly fail (while also getting their loved ones hurt/nearly killed) while trying to stop Aizen. That also adds to his resentment, his grief; if I wasn't strong enough, why didn't someone else help? Why didn't someone else save her, why didn't someone else notice where things were going, what Aizen was doing? Where were you when children were getting drained into dust? That's another way Gin lashes out whilst internalizing his guilt; I was there, I was there and I watched them turn to dust before, and now I'm standing here beside the man who's making it happen, the one responsible, and I'm once again powerless and helpless to stop it. Contributing to the issue that began his entire descent, not by wicked sadism, but because he couldn't exactly make a quick grab for Kyoka Suigetsu and hope Aizen wouldn't obliterate him on the spot. There's a helplessness and doomedness that I try to give Gin without downright victimizing him --- because he isn't the victim. He is a victim, he is arguably groomed and molded into a deadly weapon because Aizen wanted him to be the one to challenge and perhaps downright kill him all to succeed in his transcendental evolutionary process. He's a victim of not having a childhood, of becoming a child soldier and having a kill count before he even broke puberty. Gin is a victim to his own isolation, he's internalized so much and hasn't felt safe for even a moment's worth to ever convey that weakness -- in one part because he just generally doesn't feel it's safe to open up about this, but on the other part it's specifically the nature of Aizen being able to eavesdrop on any conversation (which he's canonly shown doing back with Shinji, too, and the other ways he monitored Ichigo and the Hollow he experimented on). Gin made a huge life-altering decision in a blizzard one day as a kid, after murdering three men, because he wanted to right a wrong. Gin now can't turn back, the moment he killed the Third Seat of the Fifth Division in front of Aizen -- he was past the point of no return. You cannot gain the interest and curiosity -- not to mention eventual trust -- of Aizen Sousuke without getting tied down to that life.

He's helpless because he made himself helpless, Gin made himself doomed, and the worst part of it all is that Gin acknowledges that in his poem, acknowledges that he's turned himself into this wicked and irredeemable thing, a monster, that is supposedly not worthy of love, not worthy of uttering the idea of love at someone else because he'll taint it, and in my writing Gin acknowledges that he believes he deserves that doomedness.

[godkilller]

What was Gin's reaction to Yama's death? How did he handle (or not) his grief?

          out of character. Excellent question! I'll answer pertaining to my Redemption verse Gin, since other canon divergent verses wouldn't place Gin in such a 'friendly' status with the Gotei 13. That, and I had such beautiful interactions with @ryuujinjakka a while back which explored Gin's complicated dynamic with the old captain commander. Essentially, Gin has a lot of mixed feelings towards Yamamoto. Gin’s quite young for a Shinigami, technically he’s younger than Hiyori, so in some ways (especially when compared to Yamamoto) he is very childish. The main gripe he has with Yamamoto is the classic ‘where were you when I needed you, why couldn’t you in all of your power stop Aizen Sousuke, why did I have to give up my childhood while you sat on your ass’ sort of feelings, basically. Yamamoto, in all of his wisdom and strength and immense experience still drastically failed Gin in Gin’s eyes, he feels -- especially in his youth -- that the older man had too much pride to take matters into his own hands, he became complacent with the corruption within the Seireitei and even enforced it, eventually his passive and hands-off leadership over the Gotei 13 allowed for and facilitated Aizen Sousuke to go buck-wild with experimentations in the Rukongai, something that canonly was preyed upon by Aizen because he knew the Gotei 13 wouldn’t break a sweat trying to protect the outermost districts.

          So Gin felt abandoned and grew bitter, knowing that bloody history of Yamamoto made the commander’s seemingly willing-ignorance method of turning a blind eye to other’s suffering all the more a twist of the knife in an open wound. Not only did he not know what was going on, but he also didn’t seem to care, even with the aspect of Aizen’s treachery remaining an unknown and unseen snake in the grass ---- souls were still being purged and no one cared enough until it was too late and Aizen was too far along his experiments. Gin thinks Yamamoto doesn’t deserve to hold his head high, he in every sense of the word does hate him. Gin wouldn’t hesitate to kill the man during the Winter War if given the opportunity to do so, though he knew Aizen wanted to do it himself instead.

          Ultimately, it isn’t until later along in the first stretch of Gin being reinstated within my Redemption Verse that he gets to have his view of Yamamoto changed and challenged for the better. It’s touch and go at first, Gin’s really mourning his loss against Aizen and the loss of time he spent filled with a lust for revenge, lost to wrath and lost to the bloodshed he thought was necessary which ended up being all for nothing. He’s hurting, he’s broken and now Yamamoto is here summoning him for a required sit-down in his office to essentially get Gin back into a mindset befitting of a captain. One could look at it and view it as Yamamoto trying to salvage the investment and resource of a fallen-yet-not-dead captain, but the way that @ryuujinjakka explored it was more of an... almost atonement-seeking connection made between two vastly different generations. Yamamoto, in a way, acknowledges that he failed Gin -- but Gin also failed Yamamoto, the embodiment of the current peace-keeping Gotei 13, by falling astray and turning to such violence. It’s a bumpy ride, Gin certainly knows how to hold his ire for lengthy periods of time, less inclined to let go of perceived slights against him or ones he cares for... but Yamamoto does grow on him, if only because Gin personally knows the energy one has when they’re trying to right a wrong out of a place of genuine regret. He feels the same towards those he’s hurt, though he doesn’t articulate that as well as Yamamoto does -- a perk to being older and wiser, Gin reckons.

          Of course, this happens across the span of two years and in the initial invasion Yamamoto falls. Gin feels guilty for, in some deeper stashed-away side of his heart, feeling a modicum of appeasement ---- satisfied that Yamamoto was slain and specifically slain by the unfinished wrongs of his past. It feels poetic, in a way, and the more childish side of him thinks the old man got what he deserved. It’s awful and he can’t help but think it. The other side of him is distraught with those feelings, disappointed in himself, and most of all mournful of the loss of someone he was beginning to open up to, beginning to realize had so much more knowledge and wisdom to impart ---- he wanted to absorb so much more, he wanted to hear more, he wanted to listen more. He regrets being too encompassed with his own wrath to be entirely present during their talks. Gin feels, in a way, that it’s yet another failure on his part -- especially since in one thread I have the invasion just so happen to begin, the attack on Yamamoto beginning just after Gin’s leaving the First Division after one of their talks. @yhwch encounters Gin and Gin engages, getting swiftly taken down in the process to be taken prisoner and used as a lure for @keikakudori’s Aizen in order to have him join the Quincy. Gin blames himself, thinking if he had been stronger then maybe he could have killed Yhwach himself, on his own, and no one else (except himself) would have had to die swinging.

          The mixed feelings never really un-mix themselves. He remains staggered between that residual bitterness which, considering that festered for decades within him, may very well take decades for Gin to unlearn... alongside with the loss of what seemed to be the first genuine connection between a mentor-figure and himself. Gin only ever was risen alongside Aizen, learning from Aizen, taking in everything from Aizen ---- so for him to open up towards learning from Yamamoto in a manner that was, at last, not toxic? It’s a loss Gin will continue to feel for decades onwards, too. In my New Generation verse, where Gin has a daughter @keikoh he’ll gladly tell stories about Yamamoto to her. He won’t sugarcoat, but by then he’ll hopefully be past the lingering bitterness enough so to speak fondly of that cut-short bond.

          TL;DR Gin’s awful at handling his grief in general so I didn’t even bother touching on the fact that no, he doesn’t handle it well, yes, he probably drank more than usual once the war’s rubble settled. But he also had a lot more stressors than just Yamamoto’s death fresh on his mind. Depending on how the stories unfold in my threads/interactions with others, Rangiku’s technically undergone zombification, Aizen Sousuke’s released from Muken, and Izuru’s been pretty much killed and turned into some undead corpse, these are all pretty traumatic in different ways for Gin so needless to say he’s shell-shocked by the end of the Thousand Year Blood War arc. He’ll need time. But, Gin’s not so self-centered -- he knows everyone’s mourning. So he’ll put up a smile and proceed, like always. Buy him a drink, maybe?

[godkilller]

MUSE AESTHETIC FEELINGS.

tagged by: i was encouraged to steal it from @maskierd​ tagging: steal it, continue the cycle bold for always applicable, italics for sometimes.

𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐏𝐈𝐍𝐄𝐒𝐒.    being unable to stop smiling. laughter. bear hugs. happy tears. waving arms around. dancing. contently sighing. eyes twinkling. laughter lines. childlike playfulness. skipping. talking more. affection. cracking more jokes than usual. gesturing more when talking. higher pitched voice. squealing. jumping around. clapping

𝐒𝐀𝐃𝐍𝐄𝐒𝐒.    tearing up. self-hugging. one-arm cross. an aching chest. scratchy throat. a runny nose. turning away. deep breaths. quivery smiles. crying. infantile sobbing. hands gripping each other or an object. covering mouth. puffy eyes. eyes appear red. voice breaking. a distant or empty stare.   monotone voice. asking for comfort. faking a smile. crumbling. shaking. whimpering. depression. abusing an unhealthy habit. withdrawing from others. big teary eyes. doing something even if it could hurt them.

𝐀𝐍𝐆𝐄𝐑.   furrowed brows. baring teeth. passive-aggressive comments. avoiding eye contact. sarcasm. headache. sore muscles. hiding clenched fists. irritability. jumping to conclusions. raising voice. going silent. demanding immediate action. keeping it all in until exploding. body tensing. making risky decisions. middle finger.

𝐅𝐄𝐀𝐑.     wanting to flee or hide. what-ifs. images of what-could-be flashing in mind. uncontrollable trembling. rapid breathing. screaming. a skewed sense of time. irritability. keeping silent. denying fear. turning away from the cause. pretending to be brave. nail-biting. lip-biting. scratching skin. a joking tone but a voice that cracks. fainting. insomnia. panic attacks. exhaustion. substance abuse. tics. rushing adrenaline. face draining of colour. hair lifting on the back of the neck. feeling rooted to the spot. making body as small as possible. staring but not seeing. crying. a shrill voice. whispering. gripping something or someone. stuttering. flinching at noises. pleading.

𝐄𝐗𝐇𝐀𝐔𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍.    constantly yawning. blurring words together. dark circles or lines under eyes. mood swings. hallucinations. calling people by the wrong name. dizziness. denying they’re tired. slow blinking. trouble concentrating. stumbling. leaning on a doorframe for support. sluggish movements. falling asleep someplace that isn’t a bed. becoming irritated by the smallest things. “i’m awake, i’m fine.”. shaking so bad they spill their drink. fall asleep in their clothes. lay their head on the table because they’re so tired. passing out.

[godkilller]

          headcanon.  This is a long-standing headcanon but I forget if I’ve ever written it out -- so, to keep things simple, I’ll just toss it out here now. Gin, when activating his Bankai, points Shinso downwards because it’s the equivalent of a high, high high high speed sniper rifle and he doesn’t want to accidentally shoot it when and where he doesn’t want it shot. He only shoots it after he’s appropriately raised the blade to point and aim and has opened his eyes to see clearly. You cannot change my mind. That’s why. And I’m pretty sure I’ve written this out on my old, old old blog a very long time ago and then never reposted it.

[godkilller]

Does Gin ever regret making Rukia feel the way she did on the bridge? Does he regret saying what he did, and why?

          out of character. I've admittedly been putting off this question for a lil bit now and I feel bad for it -- but it's a tough question! A really good, tough question. I've gotten into the nitty gritty of the possible 'whys' of Gin's reasoning for what he did, and TLDR; he was an asshole, there's no reasoning that could possibly justify that. But, if you wanna know more about those possibilities, here's a read for ya.

          That said, I didn't really get into if Gin feels regret about it. Let's see -- the thing with Gin and the potential for him feeling regret is that fanon / popular content tends to paint Gin as sadistic and psychotic, therefore stamped with a big ol’ “can’t feel remorse” sticker on his forehead. I disagree. Gin mentions regrets pretty frequently -- both outright, and subtly. The best example being his whole ‘turning into a snake’ character poem which suggests a regret / awareness to the horrors he was committing, a knowingness to the wrongdoings, Gin essentially laments that how could he ever possibly say he loves / or receive love, doing what he’s doing -- and that doing such threatens to sully love, etc. etc. so like, I think that whole vibe carries a strong sense of despair to it. Despair being a theme for the Third Division, as well, and it can be argued the sentiment of despair can mix well with or bleed into regrets. Gin never outright says he regretted what he did ---- while dying, he simply seems glad he at least managed to apologize to Rangiku.

          So, it’s safe to say that he’s a competent enough man to know that apologizing for something you’re not sorry for, for something you don’t regret doing? It’s a false apology, it’s not genuine and it’s stupid to pass it off as one. Gin regret what he did, as a whole, by that stretch of the imagination. Of course, this is something almost entirely exclusive to Rangiku, as this apology of Gin’s was to her and her alone -- so the sentiment of regret for his actions towards others, not just her, isn’t as clear. What I think? Gin struggles, in my Redemption Verse in which he survives Aizen and he reinstated in the Gotei 13, with the fact that he now must live with the consequences of his actions. And live with the consequences of the way he twisted his own self. The fact that Gin numbed himself, distanced himself, from the few people that matter most to him? It doesn’t look good for those who Gin doesn’t care about. Rukia isn’t exactly on Gin’s radar ---- to him, she was expendable, they never bonded (especially since she just straight from the start hated his energy -- valid, though) so why should he care? Why should he regret what he did to her specifically? That’s something of a struggle for him, realizing he has to better himself by righting his wrongs, even if the people in question who were hurt aren’t exactly much to Gin personally. He acknowledges that what he did was cruel, he knows, but he also just... knows that apologies won’t get him far with Rukia, the dislike is too strong and he also has to fight off his own indifference towards her. Would it even be genuine if he said he regret it, if he apologized to her? Gin doesn’t know!

          Really, it comes down to what sort of interactions Gin has with Rukia post-Winter War. If they barely meet, barely talk, or Rukia antagonizes him relentlessly (valid, though, do whatcha gotta do -- and Gin’s an ass anyways) ... then Gin’s less inclined to care, less inclined to open himself up to regretful feelings and feeling that remorseful need to apologize to her. He all too easily falls back into the role of villain as soon as someone antagonizes him, it’s just instinct. He deflects by simply playing into their hatred of him, plays into the fact that they see him as one thing -- he’d much rather be hated than seen, Gin thinks it’s just meant to be that way.

          In a way, Rangiku sort of has to act as Gin’s moral compass for a while, earlier on in that specific verse, because he’s gone so long without one he needs reminding that ‘x is bad, actually’ the same way some previous-killer has to be reminded that throwing a guy off a balcony can still end up killing them, so best not to. These cruelties Gin exudes, the indifferences, the numbness and smiles -- are all aspects of a façade he wore for decades. He can’t unlearn the toxicity overnight, nor can his tiny heart grow three sizes suddenly as he finds himself overtaken with compassion and a desire to do good. There’s a balance that has to be made, because the moment Gin opens those doors and lets all that doubt and regret pour in, the more likely he is to spiral into a deeper depression than he already is in the depths of. Learning to not wallow in regrets, too, will be a journey in which he has to take small steps.

          ANYWAYS, none of that matters because Rukia can punch him any time -- if she’s fast enough with a good left hook.

[godkilller]

          headcanon.  Due to Gin’s tendency to layer-up and be generally formless with his oversized sleeves and obscuring outfits, he’s more prone to looking like a wet cat when, say, caught in an unexpected downpour of rain. 

[godkilller]

          headcanon.  Not that it happens very often (though, it did just happen in my latest reply to @keikakudori​) but when Gin throws a punch he throws it hard. Captain-class Shinigami are incredibly strong physically, no reiatsu included, but Gin tends to prefer empowering his physical blows with a flare of his spiritual pressure -- he’ll do it subconsciously, even. He also knows nothing’s more deceptive than his thinner build, and uses this to his advantage. Back in the Rukongai this was how he first discovered he had power, by enhancing a blow which subsequently killed a person. Gin knows nothing of Shunko, cares little for mastering any sort of proper craft, however -- he does like the efficiency of hitting hard as fuck, thus not needing to throw many punches to down a person. Keeping things precise and controlled is kind of his thing, anyways. Gin’s pretty good at it.

[godkilller]

          headcanon.  Whilst Rangiku was pregnant with Keiko later on in my canon-divergent Redemption verse, Gin absolutely was attached to Rangiku’s hip. She’d never be beyond a mile away from Gin at any given time if/when he ever left her side for any reason. There’s a protective Kido placed onto Rangiku (without her permission, he’ll apologize later) that allows Gin the ability to locate her instantly, always, like a tracker. It will also activate a barrier if she’s attacked by an offending reiatsu that’s higher than her own -- taking a few pages out of Aizen Sousuke’s extensive Kido skillsets, particularly that modified Kido the man placed for the nape of his neck. Gin later uses a similar, albeit modified Kido onto his daughter, too, with specifications that activate an automated Sentan Hakuja that brings Keiko directly to wherever he is ---- if her reiatsu ever indicates injury beyond a knee scrape. He places that onto Keiko as she enters her young teenage years and keeps it into her adulthood. It’s a hard sell to ever try and convince him to remove it.

          All in all, Rangiku’s pregnancy is a tip-toeing type of ordeal for them. Shinigami in general aren’t often able to produce children, and Rangiku’s missing soul piece hasn’t been recovered at the time, so it was difficult and nearly impossible for her to become pregnant. Gin’s worry focuses around ‘if something good’s happening to us, something bad will find a way to ruin it’ and thus takes on an extremely protective role. Expect hell itself to manifest if your character ever attempts harm towards a pregnant Rangiku (or Keiko, for that matter) because Gin’ll strike in a heartbeat. He’ll strike fast and hard, and he’ll have no mercy. Mama bear Rangiku can be terrifying, yes, but Gin becomes a whole different beast. Gin doesn’t fucking care about being on good behavior for his reinstatement in the Gotei 13 if you’re threatening a pregnant Rangiku or his child ---- he’ll lop your head off in a blink.

          Happy late Father’s Day to him.

[godkilller]

WHAT JEWEL ARE YOUR BONES MADE UP OF?

ONYX.

reserved (by choice), decisive, self-sure and self-contained, selective, resolved, close-minded, intuitive, deliberate ⍚ opaque - my secrets are not for you ⍚ scrying - i can see more than you know ⍚ sharp - i know where to cut.

tagged by: @gyakusama tagging: @dokuhai & @keikakudori & @zombiigrl

[godkilller]

𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐢𝐬 𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤?

the inability to cherish the good things that happen out of fear of them disappearing

you've been hurt, badly, haven't you? it's been a long time since you've felt comfortable in your own mind. everything's become a sign that you're going to be hurt again. so when something good does come along, you're not used to it. it feels foreign. it's weird and scary. you want to believe that it will work out, but you just can't. you've been burned too many times. because of this, you've become cynical. you never wanted it to be this way, but you're trying to protect yourself. i see how it's easier to not accept the good, out of fear of its inevitable end. once the dust settles, you're terrified of being alone again. but by doing this, you're never enjoying those good moments. you're letting them pass you by. you have to start letting the happiness come to you. even if it's in waves, isn't that better than not at all?

tagged by: multiple people, thank you!

tagging: YOU --

[godkilller]

WHY DO YOU HURT?

you were meant to

it was built into you. designed for you. there is pain here because it was meant for you, and how fucking dare they. your suffering is not their right. you hurt because they gave you ways to suffer and carved it into you when you could not breathe, because the intention always was that they could weaponize your pain against you. it is yours. you are yours. how fucking dare they. they cannot make you theirs; do not let them try.

tagged by: @owabisuru tagging: steal it :knife: