#[ i apologize it took me awhile— also new editor in case you would want to respond ]

[glitterfairy-21225]

Vanya Hargreeves- A Character Analysis/A Defense

Honestly, I think the fandom underestimates how fucked up Vanya's isolation must have been for her to be the way she was in season one. Like, I once saw a fic that was like, 'Oh, Klaus used to go to all Vanya's concerts but got banned because he clapped too loud!' And that was a sweet sentiment but when I really thought about it.... No. No, he didn't. That didn't happen.

I think some of the discourse on Vanya is a misconception on just how emotionally stunted she was. Like, we're holding her to the standards of someone with emotional maturity making rational decisions.

One of the most damaging things you can do to yourself is repress. Vanya has been repressing her entire life, without her own consent. She was raised to hold in her emotions, it is the only thing she knows how to do. So holds back and holds in until finally it all comes bursting out in her in the worst way possible.

During the season one finale, Vanya remembers cruel things her siblings said to her... And it's extremely underwhelming. It feels like shit I'd say to my sibling. For awhile I wondered why they didn't go big on how messed up she was treated. But look at it from this lens: Vanya is so broken emotionally that she is unable to differentiate between siblings being siblings and abuse. They are one and the same to her. 

There were no clap backs. No retorts. They were just moments she internalized so bad and so hard. It was only until she had the power that she was even capable of fighting back, and by then it's not siblings being shits, it's a representation of all the little bouts of power she was deprived of her entire life.

The White Violin is the personification of Vanya's bitterness. She sucks the life out her brothers in the finale, but not because she wants to kill her brothers, but because her rage has built up into delusion. She's not hurting anyone in her eyes, she's finally taking what she's been kept from her entire life and stopping anyone who wants to silence her again.

As for her book... Vanya spent her entire childhood being repressed and likely thought that once she was an adult, once she was free, once she was around people ordinary like her, all that powerlessness would go away. But it didn't. Because trauma doesn't work like that. She still has no agency and is still ignored. I don't fully condone what she does with the book but I think we need to take more strides in understanding her.

I don't actually think one of her character flaws is judging her siblings. She gets overly emotional, of course, but I do not think Vanya was given remotely enough time with her siblings to see them in a good light. 

I mean, even in just season one, Diego is downright cruel for the first half, Luther... we know how that ends, Allison tries but tends to be insensitive at times, Klaus doesn't even talk to her in the first season, and Five says hi in the first episode and then he's elsewhere.

You could say that all that's a result of her actions, or that they just had more important things than her going on. And fair, absolutely fair. But I don't think this is a new occurrence.

As for the ethics of publishing it, I don't blame her that much for it anymore.... In a way. I feel like I'd have to actually read it. But to be fair the book is an autobiography and a recounting of Vanya's life. And I think the case could be made that she has a right to publish her own life story because it's hers. Even how she may or may not have written about her siblings, it could be argued that as it's Vanya's story, portraying them as they were presented to her makes sense.

It's commonly agreed that her book held accusations and assumptions, but no one's actually read the thing. The show excerpts don't really show that for me. Comic excerpts, definitely. But this is the show and I don't think I'll count that because of how different they are. I don't disapprove of using the comic as a source, but still. 

Like, she talks about how they aren't a real family, which like... Honestly, I feel was a sentiment they all shared. Diego was the one who took it as an insult the most, but of course he was. He's not exactly portrayed as sensible the first few episodes. You could say Vanya didn't fight back, but face to face she does not know how to defend herself. Allison threw it in her face out of spite but didn't say anything too damning.

I can see editors pushing her to add more stuff on her siblings and Vanya doing it because she's only capable of standing up for herself indirectly. And the stuff she added wasn't nice, but she doesn't have much material now does she?

Notice how The White Violin smiled at Allison after just a week of her sister trying. Notice how much better she is with the rest of her family after they include her in season two. After being included in fun time with Klaus and Allison, after Diego forgives her, after Luther apologizes.  She was undeniably bitter, but I think she's always been capable of letting that bitterness go if her siblings had just treated her as a sister. 

All this to say; Vanya Hargreeves is a flawed person. She has no emotional control. But I have seen a lot of criticisms of her, some completely and one hundred percent fair based on how you would interpret her and her actions. But I personally feel as if there are also criticisms taken in bad faith that misunderstand Vanya and do not do her justice, and this is just my two cents.

[karlitaburrito]

Insanity

Pairing: Trevor Collins x Reader

WC: 4,310

Summary: On and Off relationships were something that no one liked but yet you and Trevor have played this game for too long.

Inspiration: 100 Letters by Halsey

Warnings: Angst?

Author’s Note: For like a year now I have been wanting to write again and it’s hard for me to find the motivation to do it again. This is my first fic in years so I would love for some feedback on my writing and how I can improve. This fic is loosely based off of a Halsey song so take it as you will. Enjoy!

As long as you have worked at Rooster Teeth, you have been in an on and off relationship with Trevor. You were originally hired as an editor for Achievement Hunter and back when Trevor was lead editor, he taught you how to work in the office and all the schedules and that’s when you both clicked. There was constant flirting back and forth until he finally asked you out. The beginning of your relationship was honestly amazing. Trevor made you laugh and he was always there for you whenever you needed him and vice versa. Trevor would also do this thing every morning where he would leave you a letter on your desk every morning that would tell you how amazing you are and how he is so lucky to have you and you would keep them in your jean pockets so you can take the letters home.

Things started to go south when you transferred departments from being an editor at AH to being a commentator over at The Know. When Ashley presented the opportunity to you, you just had to take it and when you told Trevor, he seemed happy for you but you knew something was off. He was starting to distance himself from you and he was constantly jealous of some of the guys over at The Know like Jon and Ben. That’s when you broke it off the first time and then a cycle was formed from there. You and Trevor wouldn’t talk for a few weeks maybe two months and then one day you see a letter on your desk with his handwriting and that’s when you cave and take him back. Many people told you to completely break it off because it isn’t healthy for both of you but you just can’t let him go.

One Friday morning, you woke up in Trevor’s bed with his arms wrapped around you after having a movie night with him. We had decided to watch as many Harry Potter movies you guys could before knocking out. You both were only able to watch two and half. You both had just recently gotten back together and this time you’re hoping this will be the one where there will be no break up this time. You didn’t want spend the nights alone again crying on your bathroom floor. You felt his arm hug you tighter meaning Trevor was waking up as well.

“Good morning (Y/N),” he yawned as he gave you a kiss on top of your head. You still feel the same burning sensation every time he kissed you.

“Morning,” you replied back as you untangled yourself from him so you can both start getting ready for work but Trevor’s arm grabbed you before you left the bed.

“No stay here for like 5 more minutes,” he whined as he started to pull you back in and to be honest you just wanted to lay in that bed with him all day but you both had a job to go to.

“You know I would love to but you and I both can’t afford to be late, especially today because you’re on the podcast and I have a bunch of news to pre-record today,” you told him as you finally got out of his grip and start heading over to his drawers to find whatever clothes you have at his place. You heard him groan but he finally got up and headed straight for the shower.

After going through at least four of his drawers, you were only able to find one pair of your jeans. You must’ve cleaned out your stuff during one of the break ups and you just didn’t remember. As you were putting on your pants, you heard a paper crumple in one of your pockets. You took the folded piece of paper out and realize it was one of Trevor’s letters. You don’t even know when this one was given to you because the date and the majority of the letter’s ink is gone from the wash. The only words that made it alive was the last line, “I will love you forever,” and his signature. You smiled finding one of his letters even if it was forgotten in the wash. It’s a reminder of how amazing this relationship can and will be. You put the letter on top of the dresser and then grabbed one of Trevor’s shirts for today.

You heard the water stop running five minutes later and a soaking wet Trevor with only a towel wrapped around his waist comes out. It’s a sight you haven’t seen in awhile and damn did you miss it.

“Have you’ve been working out lately?,” You asked him biting your lip because damn, Trevor is looking pretty great especially his arms. His tight grip that he had on you this morning makes more sense now.

He looked over at you and smirked because of the question, “Yeah I have thank you for noticing,” he responded as walked towards his closet to only take another look at you.

“Isn't that my shirt?” He asked with his eyebrows raised at you. You nodded yes back to him.

“I totally forgot that I took back a bunch of my clothes a while back,” you uttered as you started to look down to the floor.  You hated seeing Trevor’s face whenever you mentioned a break up.

After that, it was quite while both of you finished getting ready for work, neither of you said a word until both of you we're in his car on your way to the office.

“(Y/N) listen,” Trevor sighed as you looked at him ready to listen and he continued, “I know we have been doing this for too long and I'm going to assume that you're just as tired of this game like I am. I want it to work this time, and I think we can make it” he grabbed you hand as he ended his statement and gave it a reassuring squeeze in which I squeezed back.

“I love you (Y/N),” he said and it took you by surprise, this is the first time he’s said it in a long time.

“I love you too Trevor, I always have,” you replied as you both pulled into the office.

Later that day, while you were researching for for a story on upcoming DLC for Destiny you were interrupted by an overtly happy Jon Risinger.

“(Y/N) (Y/L/N) are we still a go on our lunch date?” He asked spinning your chair and you mentally face palmed because you forgot to tell Trevor in case he wanted to have lunch with you today.

“Let me see, I have to text Trevor,” you explained and you heard Jon groan as you started to type the message.

“He isn't going to be happy about it and you know that,” he stated and you brushed it off.

“I swear he won't be mad this time, he wants it to be different, he wants to make it work,” you told Jon waiting for Trevor’s response.

“What is this now, like the seventh time that you guys have gotten back together? I'm saying this is as your friend but I don't think it's going to be different this time (Y/N), he is going to get mad and start accusing you of cheating and then you guys break up and everyone here will see you sad until he leaves his apology letter,” Jon theorized and you kept look at your desktop trying to work and not wanting to listen but he continued, “YOur relationship with Trevor is literally where that definition of Insanity comes in, where you do the same thing over and over again, expecting different results each time. You can't keep doing this to yourself (Y/N), I get that you want this relationship but how many times have you've both been hurt?” He asked not really expecting an answer from you but just wanting his his question in your thoughts.

As you were about to respond to Jon, your phone vibseerated and you saw that Trevor responded.

I wanted to have lunch with you today :/ … but if you already promised Jon, then I guess it's fine. You'll just have to make it up to me with dinner :)

You saw that the text has some mixed feelings but Trevor would've never agreed to me having lunch with Jon in the past let alone any male co-worker so you took it as progress.

“Look Jon, Trevor texted back saying it’s okay for us to have lunch, he didn't get mad,” you said as you started to to grab your bag to head out for where ever you were going for lunch.

“Whatever you say (Y/N), let me just get my keys, I’m driving,” Jon said defeated. You didn’t want to think about how Trevor’s text seemed negative but you kept telling yourself that this was progress. Trevor was getting better.

A few weeks had gone by since the day Trevor and you talked in the car and things were interesting to say the least in your relationship. There were regular date nights at Trevor’s place where you guys would have dinner and you would either watch a movie or binge on whatever show you would find on your recommended list from Netflix. You didn’t always stay the night but it has been more common recently that you have stayed over and you started to have at least half of your clothes in his drawers now. He has been putting more effort on seeing you over at The Know’s office and you have also taken the time to walk over to your old office as well and see him at work. He has also been leaving you more of his love letters on your desk when ever you were off recording a news story.

Even though the amount of effort that you both are putting in is way more than it has been in the past, your colleagues still had doubts and you couldn’t blame them. Whenever Trevor came around the office and he sees you do a story with Jon or you’re on an episode of Glitch Please with Adam Ellis, he gets really tense and you can feel his eyes on you like daggers. He isn’t like that when you’re with Mica or Ashely, just the guys. He doesn’t say anything or question your relationship with your co-workers like he has done in the past but you can tell that he wants to. Jon and Ashley keep warning you that this is a sign but as always you just ignore them. He is getting better, at least you hoped.

On Sunday morning when you woke up, you had gotten a text from Ashley inviting you and Trevor to her and Burnie’s for their famous Game of Thrones viewing party. You turned over on the bed to see if first Trevor was even awake and then see if he wants to go to the viewing party. You see that Trevor’s eyes are starting to blink rapidly meaning he is starting to wake up.

“Morning love,” you said as you kissed his cheek which he responded by kissing your lips and as always you felt that burning sensation.

“Good morning, now do you care to explain to me why you are up at,” he paused to check his phone, “at 8:37 in the morning?”

“Ashley texted me that her and Burnie are inviting us to their Game of Thrones viewing party tonight. Do you want to go?” you asked him as you sat up on the bed waiting  for his answer.

“That honestly sounds like a fun night, it’s better than us watching here at my place,” He replied getting up stretching out his arms. You smiled at him because going out with your friends was something he wouldn’t have agreed to do before, you text Ashley back saying that both of you will be there.

Later that day, on your way to the party, you were in the passenger seat of Trevor’s car texting some people for The Know who said they were gonna be there when you heard Trevor clear his throat garnering your attention.

“(Y/N), tonight you and I just want to have fun so I just have one thing to ask you for tonight,” he started and you had no idea where he was going with this. He took a deep breath not sure whether or not to continue his question but he continued, “... if any of your male co-workers show up like Jon, Ben, or even Adam, can you please just keep and interactions to a minimum, it would just make me feel better, you understand right?” he finished expecting you to answer right away.

You were in complete shock that Trevor asked you that. Was he actually serious? You looked over at him and you could only see his side since he was focusing on the road, he didn’t see your shocked expression. You want to tell him that he’s insane to even ask that of you but you didn’t want to start this fight. This is how the break up fight starts and lately he has been behaving so much better than he has before in the past. As much as your inner self is telling you that this is the Trevor that you don’t like, but the more you think about how he has been acting and all the effort he has put in the past few weeks, you felt like the least you can do is just do what he i asking for tonight.

“I completely understand, I’ll try to only talk to Ashley and I think she invited Mica as well,” you replied and he sighed out of relief. You should feel relieved too, you just avoided a fight, but you felt uneasy about the whole thing. You just hope that this night will go by fast then.

As you entered the Burns’s residence, you were immediately greeted by a very enthusiastic Ashley who already had an almost empty glass of wine. She offered you some and you declined, you weren’t really in the mood to drink. Trevor went off somewhere with Burnie the minute you guys came in, most likely him just trying to find some beer or food. The episode was about to start and more people were coming in. You saw that Jon was here and you wanted to go say hi and hang out with him because he’s your good friend but you knew Trevor wouldn’t like it if you did.

You decided to go outside and find somewhere to sit and hopefully Trevor will find you. You found a small couch that fits perfectly for two that was behind all the other seating arrangements that were set out in front of the screen. You sat down and took out your phone texting Trevor that you were already sitting down waiting for him. You opened Twitter waiting for him when you felt a weight shift on the couch. You expected it to be your boyfriend but you actually see Jon and his face read that he was concerned.

“You didn’t say hi to me,” he pointed out and you were frozen. You didn’t know where Trevor was and you were scared of his reaction if he saw Jon here.

“I... actually didn’t know you were here,” you lied staring at your phone again so Jon wouldn’t see your face, he can usually tell when you’re lying just from your face.

“You know I can tell when you’re lying right?” he chuckled and you sighed.

“I’m sorry,” you replied and Jon gave you a sympathetic smile.

“I mean, I saw Trevor in the kitchen with Burnie and from the way that you’re acting, I’m going to assume that there is trouble in paradise?” Jon said and you just have no idea how to even respond. You don’t want to admit to him how you were feeling because then any doubts that Jon had about your relationship would ring true and you did not want to hear an ‘I told you so’ right now. Just as you were about to think of something to say, you heard a couch from behind you and you turn your head and there was Trevor with two drinks in his hand. He had a smile but his eyes said something else.

“(Y/N), I didn’t know that we were joing to be sitting with Jon to watch the episode,” He said giving you the drink he most likely made for you.

“We’re not, Jon is just saying hi,” you replied taking a sip. You motioned for Jon to leave the couch but he actually gets more comfortable on the couch.

“Is there something wrong with me joining you two lovebirds?” he asked sarcastically with a sly smile and you just looked at Trevor, not knowing what to do or how to even respond.

“It’s not that there is anything wrong with you sitting with us,” Trevor responded and he paused to take a deep breath and he continued, gritting his teeth, “it’s just, you know, we came here together and so we should sit her together and as you can also see there is no room for all three of us.”

Jon looked at Trevor and then he looked at you and just shook is head. You were so uncomfortable right now and you think Jon picked up on that.

“All three of us know that isn’t the case but I’ll because I can tell that (Y/N) doesn't want me here,” he said getting up and Trevor immediately taking his spot.

Jon turned back and you mouthed 'thank you’ and he gave you a sympathetic smile and then looked back at Trevor and the smile left.

“By the way Trevor, jealousy isn't a good look on you, so I suggest you fix that for the sake of your girlfriend at least,” Jon added before finally going off to find another seat.

Trevor looked at you and he was pissed. You just hid yourself behind your phone just not wanting any of this.

“Did you tell Jon something?” Trevor accused and you just kept ignoring him, waiting for this damn episode to start.

“(Y/N), I'm talking to you, can you show some respect and answer me,” he said irritated and you scoffed at him. Right after he said that Ashley and Burnie announced that episode is starting and that we should quiet down.

“We’ll talk about this at home,” he hissed at you and he diverted his attention to the screen as the Game of Thrones theme song started to play.

After the end of the episode, you and Trevor said your goodbyes. When you said goodbye to Jon, you immediately apologized but he told you that you have nothing to be sorry for. The car ride was quiet and Trevor was holding the steering wheel so tight that his knuckles were white. His eyes never left the road and he had a look that could kill.

The minute you enter his place, Trevor was behind you and he slammed the door and you jumped. You didn't realize how mad he was.

“(Y/N), what the fuck were you and Jon talking about before I showed up?”

“Nothing Trevor, he was honestly just saying hi.”

“I asked for one thing (Y/N), is that you don't talk to them, and you didn't listen,” he stated and that's when you started getting mad.

“Trevor loo-” you started but he cut you off.

“Do you know how much I hate seeing you talk to Jon and every other guy in that office. The way that you guys act around is honestly not oka-”

You interjected because now you were fed up with this bullshit, “Trevor, I'm so fucking tired of this!”

He stopped and looked stunned but you continued, “Do you know how insane our relationship is just because you are insecure about me being in another office that you can't keep an eye on me?! The fact that I’m with you and that I keep getting back together with you should mean that I'm not interested in them!”

“(Y/N),” Trevor sighed and walked closer towards you but you just took a step back.

“I'm not done,” you breathed and took a step back from him, “Someone once told me that our relationship is the definition of insanity,” you paused to breathe and you felt your eyes start fill with tears, “doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result each time.” you finished and it this point you let the tears start to flow.

Trevor took a sharp breath and you saw tears start to well up in his eyes.

“(Y/N),” he cautioned and he took a jagged breath in, “what are trying to say?”

You wiped a few tears from your face and you took a good look at Trevor right now. This is actually going to happen. You’re tired of this game, you can't keep this up anymore and you knew Trevor couldn't do this anymore either.

“I'm saying that I'm done, for good,” you stated and Trevor just lost it.

You started to walk over to his bedroom so you can grab a few of your things and Trevor followed you

“(Y/N) please,” he begged as you started to to grab your clothes, “I love you so much and I promise that I will get better this time.”

“Trevor how many times have you promised me that? I actually thought this time would be different but the fact that you asked me to not talk to my friends just means that you haven't changed. I shouldn’t have to avoid my friends to make you happy,” you cried turning back around and facing him.

“I'm so sorry, please don't go (Y/N), you're everything to me,” he cried as as he gently put both of hands on your face as if trying to calm you down.

You looked into his eyes and you can see the pain in his eyes and it matched the pain you felt. A small part of you believes him, Trevor is perfect in every other way; he made you laugh, he had the same interests in you, and he truly felt like your other half. You both kept looking at each other in a comfortable silence. Whenever tears feel from your eyes, Trevor’s thumbs kept wiping them away. You never wanted to leave but you know you had to. Just as you were about to open your mouth to say something, Trevor did something unexpected, he brought his face to yours and kissed you.

At first you didn't kiss back but you eventually gave in. He kissed you with so much passion and you loved every moment of it. You felt his tongue graze your bottom lip asking for entrance and you let him in and you both got lost within the moment. You felt Trevor’s hands move from your face down towards the hem of your shirt and that's when you snapped out of it.

“Trevor,” you breathed out pulling away from him, “I’m being completely serious when I say I can't do this anymore. I love you so much and I would've given you everything, but we have both been hurt too many times,” you concluded and he just looked broken.

You started to grab that last of your things in his room. Once you were sure that you had everything, you went to the kitchen to find your keys. Trevor followed you like a lost puppy and it just hurt you even more to know that this is how it has to be. Once you found your keys, you took one last look at Trevor and the tears started to well up again.

“I'm so sorry that we couldn’t make it work this Trevor.”

He walked up to you and have put his hands on your face again, wiping away your tears once more. He gave you a long kiss on your forehead and you felt his shaky breath against your skin.

“Please don't go away (Y/N),” he whispered against your skin as you closed your eyes just trying not let more tears come out. You really didn't want to leave but it was for the best. You pulled away from him.

“It's too late Trevor,” you said turning back and leaving his home for the last time.

The next morning you showed up to work tired. You didn’t get any sleep last night at your apartment, you had cried all night. You had texted a few people in your office what happened last night just so no one would ask you anything, you were not in the mood to talk to anyone today. As you were walking to your desk, there were sympathetic smiles thrown your way but the last thing you needed were your co-workers’ pity.

When you arrived at your desk, a very familiar but very unexpected envelope was on top of your keyboard with your name written with his handwriting. You sat down grabbing the envelope. It felt heavy in your hands and tears were starting well up. You just took a deep breath while contemplating on whether or not you should open it. If you opened the letter, you knew that this cycle will start again. Even though he promised you that he was going to change, it was a risk you were not willing to take right now. You opened your bottom drawer of your desk and put the letter away in there. There will be a day that you will open the letter, but today was not that day.