#[[havent been fired. my manager understands ive been having health issues but i have no passive income rn

[silentchamp]

[[UPDATE: I am going on hiatus until I can resolve whatever health issues I am currently having. Went to a specialist and they're working on helping me. I hate the idea of doing this but half the time I'm left bed ridden or with brain fog so...I need to go on a break. the "h" word is a scary one but it's time.

thanks for being patient with me.

I'll be back soon, I hope.

[is-hiveswap-act-2-out-yet]

March 8, 2018

Hiveswap: Act 2 is not out yet.

Hey what’s up guys I hate tumblr apps and I hate the ipad I have to remember and retype all of this so I ugh it won’t be as raw as the first draft but

Anyway

I am depressed and very sad...and I am depressed. I wasn’t gonna even make the original post bc I’m so sad and didn’t have the energy to do it i was just gonna go to sleep but idk I feel kind of a personal obligation so here I am...remembering and retyping the post I just made but tumblr just pooped out of existence.

I um I got a car like I signed for it and everything and it’s all good i can pay for it but the problem is the insurance. Because since I’m under 21 (woman) the insurance is like super expensive it’s like $300 a month at the cheapest and that’s like a DEAL.

I can’t like get on my dads insurance bc my dad and I...like really bad stuff like we don’t talk and honestly I’d rather Uber the rest of my life than give him one more thing to hold over me when trying to manipulate me and emotionally abuse me

Um but so anyway it’s stressing me out because like ugh its so unfair its just so unnecessary it’s so stupid you know? The life ive had to live because of my dad. Its not even the price. That made me cry. Its that I’ve been living this way for so long now that it feels never ending. It feels like...my goals are /just/ out of reach.

It sucks to see your friends all have opportunity like from their parents. And help from their parents, to at least get started. And...I don’t have that. I’ve never had that. My parents just kind of did their job till I was like 13 and then I had to learn everything myself. And I obviously havent learned a whole lot. Just how to sing and how to be a kind of cool person. But maybe not even that. Idk I’ve never been close to my parents. Theyve never made an effort to like be a part of my life and know who I am. And I don’t know them either. Like I see them every day, my mom drives me places if I ask, but I don’t know them.

And I don’t know how orphans that leave an orphanage at 18 do it. Because without the help from parents, without that little push, it’s so hard to exist in this world.

Like I can almost grab them but I’m stuck in that never ending stretch. And no matter what I do no matter how much closer I move the finish line, I still am stuck, alone, reaching for it and struggling to grab it.

I also um I got an offer for a full time job. But honestly I’m not too confident in my ability to be a sales person 24/7 but I don’t really have a choice. I’m scared I’ll start and theyll realize how terrible I am and how they made a mistake and theyll fire me and my uselessness will be: confirmed. And its like really giving me anxiety. But...again. Don’t have a choice.

And its also killing me bc my current job. I’ve been there for 3 years. I’ve built so many important friendships and learned so much there. That place is forever in my heart, I love it so much. Its honestly my comfort, from my actual life. Which is weird, right? Work is where you find comfort? But yeah. Work is currently my comfort. I feel at home when I walk in the doors.

And it hurts me to think about having to leave. Or to even think about having to tell my coworkers and managers that I got an offer for a full time job that I have to take. I don’t want to end that chapter of my life. Not yet. Not for some boring sales position at what seems like a terrible company.

I tried to tell them today and I couldn’t do it it was so hard I was thinking about it all day and I felt guilt for not telling them and that makes me really sad.

But you know I need this because I don’t have health insurance and I need health insurance. I need it.

I don’t know.

I was always scared to get a full time job too because to me...a full time job...is like...the end. Or not the end but more like...the beginning of...acceptance? Like just the beginning of accepting that you have to work away your life to live and you have to work under capitalism and succeed in capitalism and just...taking a seat and following all those rules to live a secure life. Giving your life up. Giving up your dreams, even.

It feels like I’m running out of time.

And you know I don’t want to be stuck in a cycle under the capitalist thumb until I die I want to do things I want to perform I want to sing I want to see things!!! I haven’t had the privilege of others to you know go out and do things I wanted to do because my family is so broken and I just want that. I don’t want to be smooshed down into a case and hung up on some CEOs huge wall of other people smooshed into cases.

I just...it feels like I’m running out of time. And its stressing me out. And making me sad.

And you know of course I have mental health issues like I don’t even know if I can be a functional person at all 24/7 so I don’t know how working full time is gonna be.

I’m just scared of failing in every area. Scared of not being good enough. Scared of running out of time. Scared of being defeated and having to just comply with the world.

And of course the no internet affecting my ability to do any of the things I enjoy, leaving me an empty shell of YouTube videos and video games out of obligation.

Also the fact that I cant afford an apartment even with s full time job, meaning I have to stay here in my dads house, miserable, for that much longer.

And just....there’s a whole lot. There’s a whole lot. I’m thinking about a bunch of stuff and I’m sad and it’s hard for me right now. So if I miss a day or two or a few...I’m sorry. Uh. Just know that it’s not bc I’m lazy it’s because I just really am not “feelin up to it right now”.

Sorry to dump my 2nd edition life story on yall but idk sometimes you just gotta share your feelings with a bunch of random strangers on the internet so they understand why you arent having the best time keeping up with your daily blog.

Edit: just watched the Nintendo direct and WOW SUPER SMASH BROS FOR THE SWITCH YEAAHHHHHHH

Also congrats, Toby. On your dream of getting undertale on the switch. And also making it onto a Nintendo direct woe.

There are 11 days until “Spring 2018”.

[rangiferandus-blog]

im typing this here because i have nowhere else to put it

18 months ago i had never really been in contact with chronically ill people. now i am very much a chronically ill person and holy shit. i knew it was bad, i knew waiting times were too long and doctors never seem to know whats actually going on but it just astounds me how powerless i am when it comes to my own health.

  january 2016 i began noticing increased pain. early in this year i discovered i was hypermobile ( i was aware that my elbows bent in horrific ways but now that i know ive realised so many of my joints are very hypermobile). this time last year pain became a constant that I had no escape, aside from weed, from. around this time i started to pester my dad about seeing a doctor about it but to no avail. by december 2016 weed didn’t cut it anymore. that hasnt stopped me from being high most of the time but its not longer to escape pain its to help escape life. february this year i finally got one doctors appointment because i was genuinely struggling to walk as my ankle kept rolling. the gp told me i was hypermobile (one of the most hypermobile people shes seem) and referred me to a pt for my ankle but said nothing about my widespread pain (which i brought up first but she didn’t seem at all interested in but hm). the pt worked wonders for my ankle, however i was told i sprained a ligament which i dont agree with as i still have issues to this day unless i regularly do the exercises. a month or so later i went to another doctor (thanks to relentlessly pestering my dad once again). this time he sort of seemed to listen and was again shocked by my bendy joints and (hurray!) referred me to a specialist. i thought things were looking up for me, surely someone whose entire job revolves around joints will be able to help me with my pain, right? well, after waiting several months for an appointment i got nothing out of it. the guy was nice enough but he had no idea what was going on (im still walking the fine line between JHS and EDS type 3 as i have many symptoms of the latter but i cant prove any family history) and his recommendation for pain was ibuprofen (god i wish that worked) and mindfulness. i do mindfulness a lot but believe me, it wont distract me when it feels like half my leg is on fire. he also said he would refer me to another pt for my shoulders (aka. exactly what i want) but its been several months and like 20 phone calls later and we havent heard from him again :( i went to another doctor and she just recommended ibuprofen again because none of these doctors seem to understand how awful my pain is. yes, i know you can’t see inflammation but thats because it isnt inflammatory D::: i have no ways of managing this at all and its so tiring (im also exhausted constantly and sleep for like 16 hrs a day but thats another rant :((( ) and i just need some support thats all i need and i cant get it and aghHHh