#{{ i'm sorry for this monster of a starter aldksfj

[machiavellinism-blog]

‘ what did i do wrong to be so unloved? ’

  growling starters. ▓ ▓▓▓▓▓ @ravertia

          𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐒𝐄 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐒 𝐒𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐋𝐃 𝐋𝐀𝐍𝐂𝐄 𝐀𝐂𝐑𝐎𝐒𝐒 𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐒𝐊𝐈𝐍 𝐋𝐈𝐊𝐄 𝐀 𝐇𝐎𝐓 𝐁𝐋𝐀𝐃𝐄—- && he feels it, for sure. it’s worse than the physical aches && flares across his body. but not bad as it could be– because SILENT RAGE runs the strong through him as of late. ( it’s close to yet another anniversary of odasaku’s death. ) they’re fighting, which is nothing new. but with them, it’s never clean fights of just flying fists && kicks. there are BARBED WIRE WORDS && MESSY EMOTIONS. when you love someone, you’re handing them an INFINITE ARMORY of the most effective weapons. you know each other’s vulnerabilities. wounds. fears. dazai stands from where he’d been knocked down. the man leans back against the wall. dark eyes find chuuya’s.

        ❝ —not everything is about you. ❞ 

        dazai spits blood onto the ground.

         ❝ you think i LEFT the port mafia, because you weren’t enough of a reason to stay?? ❞ saying those words feels like CHOKING UP BROKEN GLASS. after having the fragments lodged in his throat for years, you could say that he’s grown used to it. but now, it’s just hell coughing it back up. for someone that considers WORDS to be his best weapon— dazai fails to be articulate right now. he doesn’t even know where to start.

         && TRUTH is that it makes him so fucking sick that the man he loves is loyal to the bastard that dazai can’t – fucking – stand. in general, dazai is indifferent about people. but when it comes to mori— WHY ?? why does he still exist? why does HE get to live but ODASAKU HAD TO DIE ?? the SHEER FUCKING HATRED dazai feels towards mori is damned near overwhelming. it’s DEVOURING him from the inside out. this malestrom of vile emotions have been brewing inside of him for years. whereas chuuya had support from kouyou, && was surrounded by the mafia regularly— dazai was ALONE. && he accepts that. he deserves to be alone, to keep digging his fingers into his own wounds, rip out the sutures, tear the injuries open wider. he doesn’t even deserve to call losing odasaku as ‘ trauma ’ in his own mind. ( even if that’s what it is. ) 

         ❝ i left—– && it hurt you. i broke your trust. i betrayed you, ❞ he states it out loud, to let chuuya know that he’s damned well aware of what he did. it’s not as if dazai’s ever been oblivious to the consequences of his decisions. ❝ do i regret breaking your heart ?? yes. everyday. I’LL NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF for that. but do i regret leaving the port mafia ?? ❞ 

         —-now, he smiles. it’s proof that the DEMON PRODIGY, the MONSTER EXECUTIVE never truly died. he’s just locked up in a cage, but the lock’s never been in place. 

         ❝ only thing i regret is that i didn’t BURN THE MAFIA TO THE GROUND. ❞

         dazai wipes the blood off his chin with the back of his hand. not caring that it stains from of the bandages. there’s a lot of UGLINESS on the tip of dazai’s tongue. but he won’t say it. only because it’s chuuya. so, dazai takes a second to calm his breathing. slam the button on ‘ extreme compartmentalization. ‘ shut down these BULLSHIT EMOTIONS. ❝ my reason for not staying goes far beyond you, ❞ he says, looking chuuya dead on. ❝ && my reason for not telling you why is because i love you. ❞ the truth will shatter everything chuuya’s built his life && sense of belonging && stability && family on. dazai won’t take that away from him.

         maybe this isn’t going to work out between them. hell. maybe just LIVING isn’t going to work out for dazai. the siren call for A DEATH BY HIS OWN HANDS is louder than ever. he turns his head, looking away. tears burn at the edges of his eyes. he’s tired. tired of fighting. tired of losing what he loves. tired of trying to become something he never can be: a good man. 

         ❝ i don’t know how to love you the way you want. the way you need, ❞ he confesses. ❝ so, you can tell me how. &&i will give it my all to work towards that. or—- we can END THIS now. ❞ black ice creeps into his veins. dazai feels himself receding into who he was after odasaku’s death && before leaving the port mafia. THE SPREE KILLER. taking on suicide mission && suicide mission. it’s tempting– because it’s easy. how EASY it would be to reshape his sole purpose in life to KILL && KILL && KILL—- especially when he’s good at it. maybe it’s inevitable. maybe when your hands are stained with too much BLOOD, you can’t be part of the LIGHT. maybe you can’t become a better person. 

                          𝐦𝐚𝐲𝐛𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐝𝐨𝐞𝐬𝐧’𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐫.                            𝐦𝐚𝐲𝐛𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐢𝐬𝐧’𝐭 𝐞𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡.