#|| wanting this dude dead is reasonable and he's not a vengeful freak who only craves blood.

[fortrivmph]

"ugh connor is so aggressive he's a killing machine all he does is murder people" actually he's my sweet syrup pie and also haytham is right there putting him in the splash zone.

[canary3d-obsessed]

Restless Rewatch: The Untamed Episode 19, part two

(Masterpost) (Other Canary Stuff) (Previous Post)

Warning: Spoilers for All 50 Episodes!

The Man Comes Around

Over at the Wen Indoctrination Tower, which seems to exist just to torture Lan Wangji with stair climbing, Lan Wangji is climbing the stairs. Too bad his cultivation level is too low to be able to just jump up. At least this time his leg isn't broken.

This is the first vengeful stair-climb in the show, but not the last. (Parallel gifset here).

The Wen guards are stationed all the way at the pinnacle of this tower to guard...what? Why are they not at the bottom of the stairs? What is this location for, actually? This is further up the stairs than the scenes with the indoctrination lectures. Anyway, it's been three months since Wen Chao threw Wei Wuxian into the burial mounds, so naturally these guards are talking about that exact thing as Lan Wangji approaches.

Lan Wangji knocks them all down with a blast from his guqin. Did you know his guqin is named Wangji, by the way? It is. A guy who is that lazy about naming his quqin maybe shouldn't feel so superior to a guy who named his sword "whatever." 

(I'm suddenly remembering a plush lamb I had as a child, whose eyes were orange, that I named "orange eyes.") (I, however, was three. And I had a lot of plush lambs. Little ones. Grown-ups found it hilarious to give them to me.) (Native speakers of English can probably guess what OP's real name is. Hint: it rhymes with Canary.) (Everybody else: there is a kid's rhyming song called Mary Had A Little Lamb. OP's name is Mary.)

Anyhoo, after Lan Wangji is finally finished with his dramatic entrance, Jiang Cheng comes flying in from wherever he's been hovering for the past 20 minutes of stair time. A bunch of Lan sidekicks also flood into the frame from wherever they were hiding during the wide shots of LWJ on the staircase.

In case you hope that CQL Lan Wangji is as much of a top (offscreen) as MZDS Lan Wangji is (on the page), here's a gif for you.

(more after the cut)

He uses the patented Lan string attack to choke this guard.  Lan Wangji doesn't have to hold a guqin string in his hands to choke someone with it. He doesn't even have to tighten it, judging by how absurdly not-tight this string is.

Or maybe this guy is choking on the chin strap of his helmet. This is exactly how OP's son reacts when OP sticks a bike helmet on him. (Note: it's GOOD that they are following choking safety protocols on set. Very good. However, they could have just left the string out and pretended, and it would look better, in this instance)

The Wen guard tells Lan Wangji and Jiang Cheng about the whole "thrown into the burial mounds" thing.  Team Let's Find Wei Wuxian is not happy to hear this.

A Vengeful Ghost

Meanwhile, in some Wen office somewhere? Where the hell is this? Yiling, we get an ominous shot of the rooftops where Wei Wuxian is lurking and then we see Wang Lingjiao trying to sleep and having a nightmare.

Wang Lingjiao has gone to sleep with a full face of makeup on instead of washing her face before bed. She has forgotten the important maxim, Go To Sleep Pretty, Wake Up Zitty.

She leaps out of bed to go cling to Wen Chao and freak out about Wei Wuxian's ghost. Wen Chao is trying to read the sports section and has clearly had enough of this crap. This has presumably been going on for a little while now.

Wang Lingjiao is in a new outfit, which is...pajamas? It has the feel of a 1930's French peignoir set, and it's much more softly colored than her usual bright red-purple combo. If this is her pajamas is it weird that her day clothes are a lot more aggressively sexy-looking than her nightgown? A freak in the streets but a lady in the sheets.

Wen Chao rants about the Sunshot Campaign and talks some smack about Wen Qing, and then leaves to go to the bar and watch the game with Wen Zhuliu. After he leaves Wang Lingjiao freaks out for a bit and then looks at the notice he was reading.

The notice basically says that the Sunshot Campaign is kicking their ass. She should be proud for inspiring the name of the campaign with that kite-shooting bullshit she made up at Lotus Pier. Before slaughtering everyone.

No Matter What You Do, I Only Want To Be With You

Back at the Indoctrination Tower, Lan Wangji and Jiang Cheng are having feelings about Wei Wuxian. Jiang Chang does all the talking but Lan Wangji's thoughts are louder because a sad violin is playing Wangxian while they talk.

Jiang Cheng tells Lan Wangji about their meetup plan and says he thought WWX had dumped him to go find Lan Wangji in Lanling. Lan Wangji telepathically indicates that this didn’t happen. This means two things: 1. Lan Wangji has been hanging out in Lanling, where Jiang Yanli has been hanging out, so maybe they have bonded over the past 3 months and 2. This is the first time Jiang Cheng has talked to Lan Wangji since Wei Wuxian disappeared. 

Much as my fic-loving heart would like to believe these two spent three months on the road together looking for Wei Wuxian, in fact they are both important high-level fighters in an active military campaign, and Lan Wangji was busy taking back the Cloud Recesses while Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian were having elective surgery. They probably both were assigned to the "Indoctrination Bureau" mission and this is the first chance they've had to talk about Wei Wuxian.

Is it heartbreaking that, while Wei Wuxian was helplessly getting his ass beat because he'd sacrificed his golden core for Jiang Cheng, Jiang Cheng believed Wei Wuxian had abandoned him for Lan Wangji? Yes. Yes it is.

For some reason Jiang Cheng is hesitant to believe that Wei Wuxian really was thrown into the Burial Mounds. I mean, I understand not wanting to believe Wei Wuxian is dead, but given that Wen Chao is the dude who oversaw the massacre of all of the people at Lotus Pier, including kids, why would Jiang Cheng think his guards are wrong? Maybe he just feels like Wei Wuxian is invincible, since so far he kinda has been. 

The Sword is Mightier Than Not Having a Sword

While they've been chatting, the Lan disciples have found their swords. One disciple is holding Bichen (LWJ's sword), Sandu (JC's sword), and OP consults wiki Suihua (Jin Zixuan's sword). Another disciple is holding Subian (WWX's sword).  

Jiang Cheng grabs Sandu while the Lan disciples, who apparently know their gongzi’s heart, offer Wei Wuxian's sword to Lan Wangji. 

Lan Wangji takes Subian (Bichen: What am I, chopped watercress?) and immediately tries to draw it. Like you don't do. It's sealed itself, which apparently means that it's upset. It's unclear if it's upset because Wei Wuxian is dead or if it just misses him, however.  

Lan Wangji definitely misses him, and wonders, out loud inside his own head, where Wei Wuxian is. Um, he's in the Burial Mounds, dude, they just told you. Well, I guess he's actually in Yiling proper at this point, haunting Wang Lingjiao as he promised her he would.

Twa Corbies

The scene shifts to Qinghe, where there are about 12 dead bodies lying around, which in this show means that there are really a few hundred. In fact, per Jiang Yanli's statement "nothing can be seen but corpses covering the plains." The camera can't see most of them, is all.

Wen Xu's head is hanging in the doorway, and the Jins talk about how Nie Mingjue killed him, cutting his head off with just one swing. Is this foreshadowing anything, like perhaps someone else's head being cut off by Baxia in just one swing? Nope, definitely not.

A couple of crows are perched on a body, totally not eating it, but Jin Zixuan gallantly zaps them with a talisman to make them fly away anyway.  It might be noteworthy that nobody used to use talismans but gradually more and more people are using them - particularly people who have spent time with Wei Wuxian.

With mony a lock of his golden hair-o, we’ll theek our nest when it grows bare-o

Asshole cousin Jin Zixun says “scavenger rights,” so Jin Zixuan puts him in charge of collecting all the bodies. 

Since OP just finished watching fur-collar-happy Nirvana in Fire, these crows look to me like they are wearing luxurious fur collars. Where OP lives, crows are not this fancy. 

A Romantic Corpse-Filled Interlude

Disaster het Jin Zixuan goes to help Jiang Yanli get out of the carriage but she rejects his hand just like he rejected hers back in Gusu.

Jiang Yanli is extremely shocked when she sees Wen Xu's severed head, and turns away in horror, preferring to calmly rest her eyes on dozens of crow-pecked corpses.

Jin Zixuan tries to comfort her and she tells him she'll be going now, thanks for the hospitality. He tries to say that he has to personally deliver her to a representative of the patriarchy one of her brothers, but then one of her brothers shows up.

Lan Wangji and Jiang Cheng arrive, having presumably flown there from Qishan. They show that they are flying by blowing a fan on the ground and then jumping off of a box, which is better than the effects we were subjected to earlier in the episode.

Jiang Cheng rushes over to have an emotional reunion with Jiang Yanli, while Lan Wangji rushes over to have an emotional reunion with Wen Xu’s severed head. Jin Zixuan kind of spoils it for him by talking about Wei Wuxian's absence while Lan Wangji is trying to have a moment.

The whole time Jin Zixuan is talking to him, Lan Wangji appears to be gazing into the middle distance but in fact he is staring at Wen Xu's severed head. This is the guy who led the burning of Cloud Recesses, killed a bunch of disciples, and personally broke Lan Wangji's leg. Lan Wangji stares at his head for more than a full minute before glancing away.

Jiang Yanli hasn't seen Jiang Cheng since they were in Wen Qing's clinic, and she is happy he's recovered. When she asks about Wei Wuxian he gives her the bad news in the classic Jiang fashion, which is to say nothing, but look stricken until your interlocutor figures out that something is horribly wrong, but not precisely what.

Four Angry Men

Inside the fortress, Nie Mingjue is slapping the table and saying, this bad boy can hold so much resentment and vengeance. They're having a mini war council and we're getting a better sense of Nie Mingjue's anger management problem. Note for those who don't get the gif reference: this is a The Godfather joke, not a sex joke, but it can be both, if you like.

We're also getting a little more info about Baxia, who seems to be eager to go fight even without anyone wielding it. (Her? Him? Them? do swords have gender? I don't know). Well done, person below the camera frame whose job is to rattle Baxia in a menacing manner.

They've got a giant model of the battle targets, which looks like it was carved out of real rock (I mean, as much as any of the rocks on this show look like real rocks) and has its own table and everything, decorated in Nie colors. Where was this before they took Qinghe back? Has Nie Mingjue been traveling with it? 

Anyway, I'm assuming Nie Huaisang made it, because it's pretty nice. Hopefully they will keep it around for tabletop gaming after the war is over.

Jiang Cheng is upset but is using his anger management mantra to help control his temper while Jin Zixuan and Lan Wangji talk with Nie Mingjue. 

Lan Wangji talks by leaning forward meaningfully, mostly not by using any words, but he asks for a battle assignment and Jiang Cheng immediately joins in. They both want to go find Wei Wuxian. 

Nie Mingjue says Yiling is too difficult of a target, but Lan Wangji puts on his determined face, which is apparently very persuasive.  

After Team Find Wei Wuxian leaves, Nie Mingjue asks Jin Zixuan to hang back so he can ask him how Meng Yao is doing. This is the first time he finds out that his ex didn't go to Lanling. Jin Zixuan tries to delicately remind him that Dad's got, like, SO many bastard children, they really don't have space for all of them. Nie Mingjue dismisses him immediately and abruptly. 

Nie Mingjue might invite the straights to his party but he isn't interested in actually socializing with them.

Unconditional Soup is Only for A-Xian

Jiang Cheng can't sleep, and takes some time, now, to be sad about Wei Wuxian. Presumably he spent the prior 3 months being mad, not sad, because he really thought he just buggered off without saying anything for all that time. Which is sort of fair, but sort of not. One thing about these two bros is that for as close as they have been and as much as they love each other, their mutual understanding has some big, messy gaps.

Fortunately while he is feeling sad, Jiang Cheng does not try to draw Subian from its sheath, because wouldn't THAT be awkward.

Jiang Yanli can't sleep either, and comes to sit with him. Jiang Cheng feels bad that she's wearing herself out with worry and she says "As your sister, I have nothing to do but to worry about you." Jiang Yanli isn't one to complain but she doesn't like being inactive or helpless. In Lanling she was far from the war, but now that she's in Qinghe she'll make herself useful by tending the wounded, and later she'll help Jiang Cheng shoulder his responsibilities as he takes over the Jiang clan.

At the moment, however, all she can do is fret and make soup. As she gives Jiang Cheng a bowlful she reminds him that he absolutely has to rescue their brother who has, according to his captors, been reduced to bone dust.

With all the impossible shit that Jiang Cheng is expected to achieve - and in many instances, does achieve - he is absolutely the embodiment of the Jiang Clan's motto. Fuck his father for disrespecting him because he hadn't figured out how to do everything by the age of 16.

Definitely Not Chilling in Yiling

Back in Yiling, Wen Chao is hearing the news that the Qishan Indoctrination Bureau has fallen and that he's being called back to Nightless City. Wen Chao says he shouldn't need to go back because his dad has a new right-hand man. That new right-hand man, we will eventually learn, is Meng Yao. Wang Lingjiao, meanwhile, is hiding under the bed covers and deciding it's time to dump Wen Chao.

She locks the door and goes to pull out her jewelry box, which is locked and hidden under the bed. Maybe this is Wen Chao's jewelry box, because she acts kind of squirrely about opening it. Upon opening the jewelry box, she doesn't find jewelry but a pair of bloody fake eyeballs staring at her.  She screams and freaks out and then the wind picks up and we hear the sound of a flute, playing the "I'm here to fuck your shit up" tune that Wei Wuxian likes.

Wang Lingjiao runs to the door and pulls down the protection talisman that's pasted above it, and pastes it directly to her chest instead, which is, we will learn in the next episode, the worst idea she could possibly have at this point.

Then she uses a poking stick to go flip the jewelry box open and finds it's full of ugly-ass jewelry again, plus an improbable number of weird round paper-mache biscuits that have been painted gold. None of this jewelry looks anything like the exquisite accessories people wear in this show, which means this stash was put together by the practical effects department, not by the costume department.

Anyway, Wang Lingjiao apparently thinks she can sell this fakeass stuff for a good price, so more power to her. But then we get a short glimpse of the menacing eyeballs again, this time on the floor, having moved out of the box and brought their little blood pool with them. Screeching ensues.

Next episode: Lady in Red!

Soundtrack: Twa Corbies, by Steeleye Span

[maybebanks]

I Could’ve Stopped It CH.I

interactive fic

idea from @outrbanks

JJ Maybank x Routledge!reader

alternative plot to episode “Dead Calm” - outerbanks

“So that’s what we’re doing now? We’re robbing drug dealers?” Kie asks, her tone worried and angry at the same time.

“This Barry guy is gonna find out. And he’s gonna come after us,” Sarah adds.

“Yes he will, okay, this is not the time to start wilin’ out,” Pope agrees.

“How’d you guys like havin a gun pulled on ya?” JJ retaliates.

You clenched your fists at your sides, Barry had threatened your group earlier and if it wasn’t for your brother John B initiating the reverse attack, he would have stolen your gold.

“Relax,” John B told JJ, stepping closer.

“He had it right here on you bro,” JJ pointed in your brothers face.

“Look,” John B pressed, “Just give me that shit-“ John B reached for the duffel bag JJ was holding.

At this, JJ lunges at John B, pushing him into the van. A loud banging noise erupting.

You flinched, but only Kie noticed.

“We’re putting it back,” John B orders. Still at the mercy of JJ.

“You feel like a tough guy, huh!? What are you gonna do when he comes for us?” John B questions.

You bit your lip, to be honest, the thought of vengeful Barry was worse than him before.

“We punch him in the throat,” JJ responds.

“Yeah good fuckin’ idea, JJ,” John B adds.

JJ scoffs lightly, “I’m not putting it back,” then JJ hops inside the van, taking a seat in the back.

“You guys getting in, or what?” JJ shouted, shuffling around in the bag.

You looked at Kie and she shook her head at you, almost telling you no.

Pope exchanged a glance with John B. No one said anything.

JJ took notice and got out of the van, “What?” He asked.

“We’re sick of your shit,” John B says, you wanted to stop him, but your feet were planted.

“Oh, my shit?” JJ scoffs.

“Yeah, yeah, your shit,” John B confirmed.

“Yes. Your pulling guns on people shit.” Kie pointed out.

“Y/n?!” JJ brought you into this, you were standing behind Kie, but you didn’t have anything to add, other than the fact that you were just scared.

Pope stepped forward, “You’re acting like a frickin maniac-“

“Pope! I took the fall for you man! You know how much money I owe because of you?!” JJ exclaimed.

“I’m gonna pay you back!” Pope responded.

“I just did! Pay it back,” JJ said, now quieter, “Right here, right now, by myself,”

JJ turned his head, locking eyes with you, “You know what? That’s exactly what I’m gonna do,” JJ decides, grabbing the bag and zipping it shut.

“No, JJ-“ you began, your throat still dry.

“Go off, by myself,” he said harshly. He pulled the strap over his shoulder, turned his back, and started walking away.

“JJ wait!-“ you called, but stopped when you felt two hands grab your shoulders from behind and pull you back.

“Hey, don’t, Y/n,” John B, your brother said.

“He’s our friend-“

“Just..let him go,” Sarah added. Making you slightly angered.

Kie sighed, as Pope slammed his hands on the van.

“You can’t tell me what to do, John B,” you told him as you stepped forward to join JJ. You knew what would happen, that JJ had nowhere to go.

John B grabbed your again, by your waist, pulling you back towards him, “I’m not gonna let you hurt yourself over JJ and his-“

“Let go of me!” You screamed, John B pulling you into his chest as you squirmed.

You felt his muscular arms close in on your chest, watching JJ get farther and farther away.

“John B...” Sarah said as she saw you fight against him.

“I’m gonna let you go, and your gonna go straight in the van, okay?” John B said, condescendingly.

“No!” You spit, “fuck off,” you struggled.

“Y/n listen to him,” Kie added.

“Can’t you see he needs us right now?!” You strugged yourself away from John B.

“He does this, Y/n. He’ll come back sooner or later,” John B persuaded.

“I can’t believe you guys,” you scoffed, yanking your last arm out of John B’s grip.

“Y/n, don’t you dare,” John B challenged.

“Seriously?!” You exclaimed, staring directly at John B.

“He’s just trying to protect you, Y/n,” Sarah argued.

“You don’t fucking know him,” you said harshly, Sarah was surprised by your anger.

“Yeah, but we know his Dad. Y/n you don’t want to do this,” Pope reasoned.

You sighed, looking for JJ and now not able to see him, he must have gotten through the trees.

You tried not to show the sadness on your face at the thought of what would happen to JJ if he went home. He usually stayed with you and John B.

You didn’t say another word and just got in the passengers seat. John B started driving it beside you, the rest of the gang in the back.

-

You felt anxious, scared even. And not even of the fact that Barry could shoot up your house any minute.

You paced back and forth through the kitchen, only focused on your footsteps against the wood floor. You looked up only once or twice to see the couch spot JJ sometimes slept on, maybe he would be there.

“Y/n will you stop that?” John B asked, coming inside from the porch.

“I can’t...I’m fuckin’ worried,” you expressed, breathing out your words.

“Y/n, he’ll be fine. He’s dealt with his dad before. He’ll come back in two days, tops,” John B suggested.

You frowned, but didn’t respond, just sat down on the bed, staring at the couch JJ sleeps on.

“Hey guys,” Sarah says tiredly, coming in and hugging John B.

You rolled your eyes, she’s here, while JJ isn’t.

John B smiled and said something about starting a fire for her, then headed outside.

Sarah approached you slowly, then sat down next to you, hesitantly.

“What?” You said.

“You really care about him. I get it,” Sarah said.

“I just don’t want him getting the shit kicked out of him,”

“I know, that’s how I feel about John B,” Sarah agreed.

You scoffed lightly, trying not to provoke her, “You’ve known John B for like 2 days, Sarah,”

“Yes...but I know I’d protect him...like he did for you,”

“John B stopped me from going to JJ’s because he doesn’t think I can handle his dad. I’m also not going to abandon JJ just because his dad’s a tool,”

“His dad does drugs?” Sarah asked.

“Among other things,” you mumbled.

“Well I’m sure John B had good intentions,” Sarah argued.

“Sarah, it’s not your place,” you told her.

Suddenly, Pope walked in, also looking worried. When he saw you his eyes widened.

“Hey, can I talk to you? It’s about JJ,” Pope started.

You jumped up subtly and quickly got towards Pope, “yeah what’s up?”

“He wasn’t at his place,” Pope told you quietly.

“What?! You went there?!” You exclaimed.

“Shh! Yeah...I think something bad happened. Like maybe Barry got him. I don’t know. I’m just worried,”

“Yeah same. I just want him safe. So what do you think we should do?”

Pope shrugged at your question, “we could scout out his place again. You go there, I’ll check Barry’s.”

“If we’re going to do this you can’t tell John B. He’ll freak if he finds out I was anywhere near JJ’s place,” you mentioned.

“I don’t know, seems like the more people know the greater our chance of survival is,”

“Look, I just don’t want John B playing the overprotective brother all night. I want to find my friend,” you assured.

“Fine. But send out a letter to my parents when I die, Barry is one scary ass dude,” Pope says.

“Ugh...okay...maybe we don’t have to go to JJ’s I mean, we already know he’s not there. And I can indirectly find out if Barry has him,”

“Indirectly?” Pope questions.

“Through Rafe. I should probably go alone though, he’d be more inclined to talk,”

“Shit, Y/n...I hate to say that’s a good plan. Because dealing with Rafe can get messy, John B would kill me right now-“

“If this works..he won’t be so overprotective, and you won’t have to worry. And anyway, let’s go get out best friend back,”

-

You pulled at the hem of your crop top, secretly wishing it would cover the rest of your midriff. There was some pop song playing up the walk way of the country club. You sighed.

“Hi! Uh excuse me! Members only beyond this point,” some worker mentioned to you, blocking you from entering.

“I’m actually here with Rafe Cameron? You know him? Or maybe you know Ward-“

“Yes, alright, he’s in the private suite,” the worker said and quickly turned away.

You nodded and walked slowly, past the bar and to where a group of privileged boys were laughing.

“Uh Hey. Rafe can I talk to you? In priv-“ you stopped yourself when you saw a sick smile grow on his face.

“Hello Y/n! So glad you came here! More pogues to join the fun,” he exclaimed, sniffling something under his nose.

“More pogues?” You asked, confused.

“You’re John B’s sister right?..Sorry how rude of me, I’m Topper. I was just thinkin about the revenge I could get on him by messing with you,” he laughed, eyeing you.

You tried not to look afraid, swallowing hard.

“There’s no need for that!” Rafe paused, “it was the guy who put a gun to your head that needs the reprimanding. That’s what he’s here for isn’t it?” Rafe chuckled, putting his arm around you.

You grabbed his wrist gently and pulled him off, “JJ’s here?!”

Rafe raised his eyebrows, his amusement only growing, “JJ, my man! Come out and serve me my mai tai!”

You looked around, and soon, as Rafe said, JJ came out behind the bar, his head was hanging low. He served the boys some drinks, not even making eye contact with you.

You were in utter shock. He didn’t have the country club uniform on, so you knew this wasn’t a legit job. Just a way of stripping JJ’s pride.

“What-What are you doing?” You ask JJ, dumbfoundedly.

JJ looks down, ignoring you. His face is littered with bruises, and cuts on the weakest points of those. It hurt you to see him like this, battered. And all of his pride and cocky happiness gone.

“What the hell? You think not treating JJ like a human is fair revenge?” You tried not to let your voice crack.

“We didn’t even beat him up yet! I was gonna have my fun,” he paused rolling up his sleeves, “you’ll stay for the show, won’t you?”

At that, Kelce, Topper and some other dude grab JJ and hold him up in a position for Rafe. JJ struggles, trying to hold out for you.

“Very Rafe of you,” you rolled your eyes.

Rafe muttered some things about how he was going to punch JJ. Instantly, you stepped infront of Rafe’s tall figure. You grab his fist in both of your hands, “Don’t hurt him,” you ordered.

You though you saw a flash of hurt or sympathy flash in Rafe’s eyes. But what he says next destroys everything you thought.

“Move out of the way...or I’ll let Topper do what we’ve all been thinking ever since we saw you in that red bikini,” Rafe seethes angerly.

“I can’t get that image out of my brain, yo,” Kelce added, smirking.

JJ’s jaw clenched, he hated this. Hated how you had to come save him, hated how they talked about you like some object. You weren’t, you were a amazing person to him inside and out.

“Fuck off!” You shouted, shoving Rafe’s shoulders back aggressively. Subconsciously knowing your exits.

“Wanna say that again, sweetheart?” Rafe exclaimed, he wrapped his hands around your neck, digging the tips of his fingers into your skin, “why do Pogues always get in fights they don’t belong?” He seethed.

You whimpered at the pain he was giving you, then Rafe shoved you against the floor, two feet away from where they were about to beat JJ.

You took a few deep breaths before interfering, you weren’t going to give up. Not on JJ. Like you did before.

JJ notices you stand up, and walk over to put yourself in the fight again.

“Get out of here, Y/n,” JJ warned, shoving against his confinement.

“Rafe, please! Don’t you have better things to do? I mean..what would your dad think-“ you were just thinking on your toes, you didn’t expect to activate him.

“You watch your mouth, pogue,” he fumed.

“Make me, asshole,” you stated, remaining completely unfazed at the threat his body alone was posing.

That’s when he snapped. His whole body lunged towards you, you jumped back. But he caught you, his chest against yours as he forced your back into the nearest wall.

“Get away from her!” JJ shouted, thrashing more violently against the group of boys.

“I have her right where I want her,” Rafe said, both of his hands were on either side of your head, closing you in.

You really wished John B was here.

“Hit him,” Rafe ordered, nonchalantly.

The kook boys responded.

Your eyes widened in panic, “NO!”

-

CH.II if you like fluff

CH.II if you prefer angst.

[jikook-love]

tricks and treats

a sequel to this prompt given to me two years ago(?) by @softnspicytofu​

“PLEASE DON’T KILL ME!” 

The blonde boy screamed in a terrified yet somehow beautifully melodic cry as he curled up against the wall, cowering in defense from the tall, grosteque-looking man brandishing a bloody chainsaw.

Jungkook gulped, as he saw those defenseless curled up limbs, those quivering plump and pink lips, and especially those desperate, pretty, half-lidded and teary eyes, he felt his heart do a twisted lurch as something strange was awoken inside of himself.

In a burst of spontaneity, Jungkook ripped off his mask and tossed his chainsaw aside as he scooped the boy into arms:

“Don’t worry. I’ll protect you,” Jungkook’s voice was soft, charming and convincing. “We’ll get through this together. I promise.”

🎃🎃🎃

The seemingly tormented memories ran through the mind of Jeon Jungkook. 

“I still remember it so clearly,” Jungkook’s voice was barely more than a whisper, as it echoed throughout the room. “The beautiful golden of his hair even though he was traumatized. The relieved glow in his beautiful eyes when I revealed my true identity to him. The way he clung to me even though we were forbidden to touch. The feeling still lingers, the soft pads of his fingers through the thick cloth on my arm. How I wish I could just see him one more time and tell I l--”

“Oh my god, Jungkook, shut the fuck up.”

Jeon Jungkook promptly received a clown mask in the face, courtesy of Kim Taehyung who was still decked out in his horrendous gargoyle costume. 

“Dude, what the hell?” Jungkook scowled, promptly chucking back the clown mask at full speed, which Taehyung somehow managed to dodge with a yelp.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, no fighting now,” Kim Namjoon warned as he walked in, wiping off his bloody makeup at the same time. “What were you even thinking Jungkook? Dragging a crying visitor all the way through and beating up everything in sight to ‘protect’ him. You’re lucky you’re not fired anymore thanks to my persuasion.”

“Wait, I was fired?” Jungkook asked in disbelief. 

“Oh yeah, they’re totally gonna let you get away with destroying half the maze. And their most handsome worker,” Taehyung grumbled nonchalantly as he rubbed his sore legs in the corner.

“Yeah that’s what I thought!” 

“It’s called sarcasm, dumbass. Not only did you break character--you broke everything else in the freaking maze. Including me.”

“But how am I gonna see him again?” Jungkook moped to himself.

“That’s what you’re most worried about?” Namjoon asked incredulously. 

Jungkook stood up and walked over to Namjoon with misguided purpose in his steps. 

“Kim Namjoon-ah,” Jungkook sighed heavily, his tone and face belonging to that of a man in his middle life crisis. He placed his hand on Namjoon’s shoulder, eyebrows scrunching up even more. “What does money matter anymore when you’ve just met the love of his life?”

Namjoon’s mouth fell open. “Met him?” he asked. “You scared the shit out of him and made him cry and beg for his life.”

“After which I became his hero though,” Jungkook grinned pridefully. “You should have seen the tearful look in his eyes when he thanked me before disappearing into the crowd.”

“Pretty sure there were tears in his eyes because he was still half-scared of you,” Taehyung said pointedly, rubbing the sore spot on his leg where Jungkook had mercilessly kicked him earlier.

Jungkook shot a glare at him before turning back to Namjoon. 

“Hyung, you have to help me!” Jungkook cried.

“Help you do what?” Namjoon retorted.

“Help me find him again!” Jungkook spurted as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“How the hell am I supposed to do that?” Namjoon sighed apathetically. “You think this is some sort of Cinderella story? Plus, how do you know he’ll even like you back?”

Jungkook paused for a moment. “I know. He has to.”

Both Namjoon and Taehyung face-palmed at once.

“You know what listen, why don’t you just wait for Hallowe’en again next year?” Namjoon suggested. “On the basis that you’re rehired and it’s really fate and everything, he might come back and you might see him again.”

“You want me to wait a whole year to make sweet tender love to the most beautiful person I’ve seen in my life,” Jungkook said flatly with the most sarcastic expression yet. 

Namjoon threw up his hands in defeat. “What do you want me to do? He’s one in like hundreds of customers we get per year. You didn’t even get his name! Even if I got into the customer database we can’t track down anything because we don’t know anything about him!”

“False. I know he’s an angel.”

“What is wrong with you?”

“Dude chill,” Taehyung spoke up suddenly, patting Namjoon on his arm to calm him down. “The boy’s got a little crush. Cut him some slack.”

“Fine, whatever,” Namjoon said. “But I can’t help you. Now get your shit together. Hallowe’en’s tomorrow so it’s our last day. You better be extra scary for the mess you caused. Half our electric monsters are out.”

Taehyung patted Jungkook several times on the back. “Stop sulking buddy, things will work themselves out.”

🎃🎃🎃

Though he promised nothing, Jeon Jungkook was especially vengeful on his last day of work for reasons only he and his pals knew. Every time anyone came in, he cranked his chainsaw up to max and ran at them with full speed, sometimes chasing them all the way to the end of the maze without letting them catch a breath. Indeed, he was salty, and somehow he was also immature enough to take it all out on the poor visitors. 

“Is anyone gonna stop him?” Taehyung sighed about halfway through the day.

“Don’t look at me,” Hoseok replied, still in his bloody doctor outfit from yesterday. “I can barely even stand to be in the place I just need the money.”

“Boo.”

“You stop that.”

At long last, the night was finished, and the Haunted House closed down for the season. Finally finished, an exhausted Jungkook left his post and exited alone out the back, pulling off his mask for a breath of air. He didn’t even fully understand why he felt so down. He didn’t even know what he was expecting. 

It’s really quiet out here. For the first time, Jungkook breathed in the crisp Hallowe’en air. Certainly, it was very cold. Very eerie. 

Suddenly, he felt a pair of hands creep up around his waist. 

“AHHHH!”

In retaliation, Jungkook whirled around and tripped over his own feet, falling flat on his ass. In a blur, all he saw was white in front from him.

Oh shit. It’s a ghost.

Desperately, he tried to crawl away, but the ghost was quick to get on top of him, holding him down.

I’m dead. I’m so very dead.

He thrashed around for a bit longer, much to no avail. 

Suddenly, his eyes widened as he saw who it was in front of him.

“A-angel?”

The boy, still as blonde and beautiful as yesterday, laughed softly. Today, he was dressed in all white, which made it easier to misinterpret...on both instances.

“My name is Jimin,” he said gently, carefully. Jungkook didn’t want to move, almost as if Jimin would fade away like a dream if he did. “I just wanted thank you for trying to help me yesterday.”

Jungkook’s mind was a mess, not sure whether to be mad for getting the living lights scared out of him or grateful that his literal angel had literally returned. 

“Did you have to scare me like that?” Jungkook opted for. 

Jimin pouted (and it was one of the cutest things Jungkook had ever seen in his life). “You’re one to talk. You literally had me on the floor yesterday. You still haven’t told me your name by the way.”

“It’s Jungkook. Jeon Jungkook.” Jungkook gulped. He didn’t know why he was so nervous all of a sudden. He had been so confident on making sure Jimin would fall for him as well but now his mind was a complete and utter mess. 

Slowly, Jimin crawled off of him, as Jungkook got to his feet on his own.

“Don’t you have something to ask me, Mr. Jeon Jungkook?” Jimin said suddenly, shuffling closer to Jungkook in the most endearing way. 

“Um...well...I’m not sure...I...” Jungkook started, but was cut off by Jimin.

“It’s Hallowe’en after all,” Jimin said. “I think there’s only one proper thing to say.”

Jungkook’s mind was cloudy enough as it was, so he wasn’t exactly sure what Jimin was trying to get at. It was only at that moment that he noticed Jimin unwrapping a sucking candy in his hand. He watched as Jimin popped the candy into his own mouth with a smile.

“Trick or treat?” Jungkook said spontaneously.

It all happened in a blur.

As Jungkook’s mind was still in a daze, Jimin was gone. His entire body had gone stiff from the sensation. Without even realizing, Jungkook was sucking on the candy that had ended up in his mouth, as he glanced down to the wrapper that Jimin managed to shove into his hand before he left. Squinting, he saw a bright red phone number scrawled on it.

Still sucking on his candy, his eyes still half lidded, Jungkook uttered the only thing he could manage:

“Goddamn...best Hallowe’en ever.”

🎃🎃🎃

“By the way,” Hoseok said to Taehyung as they walked home together. “When are you gonna tell Jungkook that Jimin is literally your friend from childhood? And that you were the one who invited him in the first place?”

Taehyung shrugged, as he pulled the lollipop out of his mouth. “Probably never. He kicked me way too many times when he was trying to ‘protect’ Jimin. I did enough for that boy. They’ll probably find out eventually anyway.”

Hoseok smirked. “Fair enough. Happy Hallowe’en bro.”

“Happy Hallowe’en to you too.”

-

THE END. 

just a quick little Hallowe’en story because I really liked that prompt and wanted to do something for it....now’s the time XD that’s the only thing i ever use the hallowe’en aesthetic for--fic writing LMAO. i get scared too easily so everything else is a no no lol. i’ll take suggestions for the future, maybe involving some costumes ;)

tbh, I was gunna put a warning for overdramatic jungkook but realized it’s not even far from the truth anymore so I was like whatever. also, with the way jeon is nowadays, i’m sure even if they never crossed paths and jungkook happened to see jimin someone, he would probably be /this/ extra. 

happy hallow’s eves friends~ 

and go rewatch that run bts ep

[scientifically-strange]

Could you write a bamf! either ghost king au or clockworks apprentice au Danny meets the avengers please? You're writing is beautiful

Danny had always figured that he was to busy to ever go back to the mortal world. When he died for good and became a full ghost, he had immediately been made king and schooled in the art of Ghost Zone politics. And that had been…God, that had been such a long time ago. Occasionally his core would ache, and there wasn’t really anything he could do about it. His obsession was to protect, but all of the ghosts stayed In the Zone for the most part. Ever since he had died for good they never felt the need to haunt the real world. And because he was king now, they didn’t cause much trouble. Any trouble that was caused was either taken care of by Walker, or it was the Observants on the receiving end of a prank. His obsession wasn’t getting the attention it needed, and it was finally starting to take a physical toll on his body.

He sagged in his throne, the armor he wore biting into his skin in a few places, but he didn’t bother moving. He had long ago gotten used to the feeling. His eyes wandered to the large walls of Phantom’s Keep, eyes raking over the paintings that Princess Dora had her artists make. They were amazing, and highly detailed, if a bit overdramatic. Some were from when he was a halfa, standing tall and proud. Some were him defeating the old king, Pariah Dark. Some of them were more recent, showing off his broad shoulders. In those ones his face was always young, because he had died young the second time, but somehow they always managed to capture his blazing green eyes just right. Old and tired.

If he was bored like this for more than an eternity he could see why pariah lost his marbles.

He sighed, glancing over to his faithful servant. When Fright Knight had first started taking orders from Danny it had been…Strange. He wasn’t used to ordering his old enemies around and them actually listening. Fright knight not only listening, he went above and beyond for Danny. He remembered Clockwork mentioning that serving the king, no matter who the king was, was the Knight’s obsession. Pariah had taken full advantage of that.

Danny sighed again, tapped his fingers on his thigh a couple of times, and stood up.

“Fright Knight,” he said in a commanding voice. “I’m going to the Mortal World. Watch over the castle.”

“As you wish, my lord,” the faithful servant replied.

Danny could’t give you an answer as to why he wanted to o to the mortal world. Maybe he missed it? Maybe he missed people? Either way, the feeling in his gut fel right when he said it. Danny had always been one to go off of his instincts.

Without sayig anything else, he held out his hand and opened a portal.

—————

“We’re under heay fire!” Came Captain America’s voice as he barreled through the enemies. Hawkeye rolled his eyes. Of course they were under fire, thy were always under fire. It’s not like the old man has to point it out every fucking time.

He knckea few arrows, quickly letting them fly through the air, not bohering to make sure they hit their mark. He knew that they did if the gurgling was anything ot go by.

He quickly reached back to get more, and a pit in his stomach grew when all he got as air.

“Aww, arrows,” he whined. That’s okay, though. He was Hawkeye. He was good at improvising. hell, he did so much that at this point he was a fucking expert at it. He heard the guns stop.

He let out a huff before spinning aound, ready to fight fire with a bow, but he stopped short. Because standing right in front of him was a floating, glowing man. He had broad shoulders and a tall frame that was covered in bits of armor. Around his shouldes was a white fur cloak, but it wasn’t nearly as white as the dude’s hair. Floating above his head was a crown coated in ice. He looked around, seemingly unphased by the commoion he had walked into. In fact, the guy almost looked bored.

“Who are you?” hawkeye called to him. The words left hi lips before he could stop and think that maybe this guy wasn’t on his side.

The figure turned around, and a chill went down Clint’s spine because of how freaking green they were. But it wasn’t any kind of green he had seen. It was a toxic color, like the kind you fid in those barrels full of chemical waste in the mvies. Like acid. It was unnerving.

“Where am I?” He asked. And hly shit. On top of his voice being a deep baritone, it also had a sort of echo to it, like a tinging Clint really couldn’t place his finge on. For a split second he wondered if it was the being, or if it was just his hearing aids acting up.

"Uh,” Clint said. Perfect. Very smart. The being cocked his head tot he side, amused. It was a very human thing to do, and Clint didn’t know if it wa because he looked human but man it was so obvious that he asn’t. Nobody had eyes like that. Nobod glowed like that. And he was sure as hell nobody hovered like him. It wasn’t much but it was enough to catch Clint’s attention.

"East Berlin,” somebody answered behind him. He whirled around, only to see Sam Wilson, holding two guns up. Oe was pointed at the figure, and the other was pointed at the hydra goons on the other side of the miniature No-Man’s land, saring in awe at the glowing man. “Who are you?”

“My apologies,” the stranger said, completely unconcerned a the gun pointed his way. “I do suppose introducitons are a polie thing to do. My name is Phantom.”

Phantom? Like-as in a ghost? Does that mean he’s a ghost? Why would a ghost nam himsefl Ghost? When did ghosts start being more than fiction?

“Are you a good guy or a bad guy?” Clint asked. If he wa bad then they were in trouble, because e could practically feel the power coming off of this Phanom character. If he was good then maybe he could help them wth the whole ‘let’s take down this hydra base in case we find out more information on Steve’s long los friend, Bucky’ situation. Namely getting past security.

"Good, I guess,” he shrugged. “And you?”

“We’re the superheroes, they’re the bad guys!” Sam called to him, gsturing with his pistols. Phantom nodded before turning around to the hydra army He floated forward, and stopped before turning his head back.

"You might want to duck,” he warned. And despite wanting to see how this guy would totally mess up those other guys, he did as he was told. he crouched back down behind his little makeshif shield, gad it was big enough for two.

They waited patiently, listening to the noises of screams and some other scraping noise. He heard explosions and gun fire. For some reason, Clint had the odd urge of twiddling his thumbs, but when the fighting stopped the thought left his mind as soon as it had come.

Instead of standing up, he and Sam just kind of peaked their heads over the top of their tiny barrier, eyes widening in surprise at the scene.

Ice coated the ground as well as turning some of the hydra guys into popsicles. Other were bleeding, their suits detereorating and the smell of burnt flesh heavy in the air. The rest didn’t have heads.

“Woah,” Sam said behind him. Sometime during their starring Cap, Tony, natasha, and Thor had dropped behind them, ogling at the mess like them.

“What the hell?” Tony ased, his mask flicking up so hey could see his expression. It was a little bit of amazement, a little bit of fear. Clint glanced at the rest of the team. Natasha’s face gave nothing away but the hesitation in her hands showed that she was thinking they were on thin ice. Steve’s jaw was set and his eyes were hard, and he couldn’t tell if it was because of Phan to m or because if the death grip Thor has on his shoulder, holding on so tight his knuckles were white. His eyes were huge, starring at the ghost (?) Intently.

“Do mine own eyes deceive me?” He whispered, almost to himself. Nobody but Clint seemed to hear though, and that in and of itself was ironic.

“Most of them are alive,” Phantom said, turning back around to them. The white of his armor was stained red, and something told Clint that none of it was his. In fact, this guy didn’t have a single scratch on him. Like what he had just done was the easiest thing in the world.

“How did you know we were the good guys?” Sam asked. “I mean, you just kind of took our word for it.”

“Well,” Phantom gave him a smile. He was young - or at least looked that way - but his eyes were ild and weary, kind of like Steve’s. Like he had seen to much shit. “I can see your auras. You are all good in your own way, but them? Their auras are dark, vengeful. And I can hear your heart beat. You were telling the truth when you said you were good.”

“My liege,” Thor stood up, walked forward, and actually kneeled before Phantom. The only person they had ever seen Thor kneel to was Odin, so this was a surprise.

“Rise, Odinson. There is no need for such formalities in this mortal world.” When Danny had heard of Norse gods being real, he had wanted to laugh in Clockwork’s face. Now though? He had seen enough proof that they existed, and now he actually had THE Thor bowing, practically kissing the ground he floated above. Danny almost didn’t feel worthy.

Thor did as he was told, standing up straighter than ever, maybe trying a little to hard to impress Phantom. But it’s not every day you meet the slayer of Pariah Dark. Because if this man the spirits of Asgard can sleep in peace.

“Who are you?” Tony asked, walking forward. Thor glared at him, wondering why he would show a king such disrespect. But Phantom didn’t seem to mind at all.

“Nice suit, dude,” he said, staring at it in awe. “Did you make it?” Tony took notice of how he avoided the ques tu on, but he couldn’t help but puff out his chest just a little. Apparently this guy was new to the 21st century.

“Yeah, I did,” he answered. “Now are you gonna tell us who you are now?”

“Man of Iron,” Thor spoke, and even though it was an introduction, there was a bit of warning in his voice. Tony decided that he was going to ignore it. If this guy wanted them dead he would have done it already. “This is Phantom, King of the Ghosts. I advise you to show more respect.”

King of ghosts? Was Thor serious? Ghosts aren’t real. Or maybe Tony had just grown up way to fast. But either way this guy’s identity was a bit of a stretch.

“It’s fine, Thor, ” Phantom said, placing a hand on Thor’s shoulder. The blonde looked over at him.

“I mean no disrespect when I ask, my king, but why have you left the Ghost Realm?”

“My obsession is to protect, but in the Ghost Zone there is nobody to protect. So I thought I would…Stretch my legs. It had been a while since I’ve been here, after all.”

“What do you mean?” Tony asked. It was a stupid question considering his title, but a guy couldn’t be too skeptical, could he?

“I died here, on Earth, many years ago. I haven’t been to the mortal realm in so long. I almost forgot what it was like.”

A smile crept up on yhe ghost’s lips, and they all saw how it didn’t quite reach his eyes. Steve briefly wondered how many people that smile has fooled. The shape of his mouth provided a sense of happiness, but inside it was a different story. Steve could somewhat relate to that. Because pretending to be okay, and lying to yourself that you’re fine, was a hell of a lot easier than faci ng what’s bothering you and making you not fine.

He has seen a lot of shit. He’s probably been bored out of his mind for centuries. His obsession, Steve guessed, is what keeps a ghost going, but if there’s nobody to protect then what’s the point of even simply being? He would have kept anilyzing his facial features if it weren’t for those acid eyes being trained on him. The small smile grew to a big, toothy grin.

“You’re Captain America! Man, I grew up reading about you!”

That threw them all for a loop. He was dead, yeah, and had app rent ly been King for fora while now, so how did he grow up reading comic books abo it Cap?

“How…?” The words died on Steve’s lips.

“When did you die?” It was the first time Natasha had spoken. Her eyes were narrowed but she was..Intrigued to say the least.

“The first time was in the early two thousands, amd the second time was when I turned 26? I’ve ben stuck like this ever since. But time in the Ghost Zone is weird. It’s like a sort of limbo where it doesn’t really exist, so I could be living in the Zone for centuries and come back and only a few minutes have passed. It’s really confusing, honestly.“

"Wat do you mean the first time? How do you die twice?” Clint asked.

“Well, when I died the first time I became a halfa - half ghost, half human. Wh en my human side died, I became a full ghost.”

“Weird.”

“Yeah, you’re telling me. Anyway, I’m glad I could help. If you guys need help just give me a call or something. I sure there’s a few pages of Latin around here somewhere.”

None of them really wanted to know what that meant, but they waved their goodbyes nonetheless as he opened a swirling green portal and disappeared. Tony blinked a couple of times before sighing and turning to Thor.

“So…Ghosts, huh?”

——Sorry this was late, I was put of town at a Green Day concert (I cried it was beautiful) and have been busy to go out of town again to Texas because of this anime con down there. But I hope yo u enjoy!-also if there are any typos I didn’t catch I apologize, most of this was written from my phone

[admittedlynotspartacus]

“Game of Thrones” Season VII: Episode 6 - The Enthralling Power of Complete Idiocy

WARNING: SPOILERS for the latest episode below, so if you haven’t seen it and don’t know yet who dies, who fucks who, and how much of a fucking shitshow it was, turn back now. Also Ballers is coming back. Does anybody watch that?

BEYOND THE WALL

So in case you forgot, the Avengers are still trying to carry out this worst plan ever to bag a wight and show it to Cersei, even though she has never displayed any capability for rational thought. Also Tormund wants to fuck Gendry?

Basically the whole first half of this beyond the wall shit is like speed dating between the weirdest pairs of people. Like, first we have Gendry and The Dude, and Gendry’s just like -

But the Dude is all -

Then it’s J-Snow and Jorah, and like for some reason J-Snow chooses this moment - you know, the one where they’re about to stumble upon an entire zombie army - to be like, “Yo dude, my sword is your dad’s. You should have it.”

Jorah doesn’t take it though, which is good because they’re about to fight zombies. Also in this scene, there are a bunch of Redshirts, which I know, is like totally not a Game of Thrones thing, but there they are anyway.

WINTERFELL

Ladies and gentlemen, meet the newest staff writer at Game of Thrones, who penned all the scenes in Winterfell this week.

Because Arya, who went from -

to -

is now just full on -

And Sansa’s making like everybody who spent last week on Facebook trying to explain to people why gee I dunno WHITE SUPREMACISTS ARE WRONG, just like -

BEYOND THE WALL

More snow. More speed dating. This time with the Hound and Tormund, who’s like -

Then, the Hound uses the word “Dick”

And Tormund has, like, never heard it, he’s so used to using the word “cock” or something, and then D&D literally write this exchange.

Tormund: Dick? I like it. The Hound: I bet you do. Tormund: Nope. It’s pussy for me.

Finally, they come to the arrowhead mountain the Hound saw in the flames.

And The Dude is like, “Are you sure?” And I’m kinda like, “Wait a minute. Aren’t you the guy who’s supposed to know about the flames? Why is the Hound suddenly so wise to it all?”

DRAGONSTONE

P-Dinky (remember him? He used to be a character) is having a fireside chat with D-Baby. He’s basically trying to put Varys’ advice into effect.

But D-Baby just gets real paranoid.

It doesn’t go well.

BEYOND THE WALL

Meanwhile, the Avengers stumble into this total whiteout storm, and they see some like weird animal thing in the distance. It kinda looks like a polar bear until we just see it’s got the zombie eyes. And Gendry’s like, “Do bears have blue eyes?”

Anyway, the bear comes charging at all the Avengers and we’re like, “Oh my God, this is it! One of them is gonna fucking die right now!” But then it just like mauls a redshirt.

Naturally all the Avengers are freaked out. So they literally do this -

And then it’s just like BEAR ATTACK OH MY GOD IT TOTALLY GOT ONE OF OUR BOYS oh wait no it’s just another redshirt.

And then it’s just on. The Dude and Beric turn on their fire swords like -

And down goes somebody else WAS IT THE HOUND nope, redshirt. Finally, it does just fucking maul The Dude though like -

And you really just think it’s gonna go on forever until Jorah stabs it with like the tiniest knife and it... dies...? 

The Dude is fucked up, but instead of being like -

He’s like -

But he’s still alive, because he’s not a redshirt.

WINTERFELL

Sansa’s panicking like -

Until Littlefinger seems to say, “You should have Brienne kill her.” And Sansa seems weirdly chill with it, until she sends Brienne in her stead to King’s Landing immediately after.

BEYOND THE WALL

The Dude is walking again, because there are no consequences to anything anymore, not even getting mauled by a bear. So now’s as good a time as any for the Avengers to run into the zombies. But like just a few. Who are marching around like -

So naturally because they’re crazy, the Avengers just fucking attack. And Jorah’s getting choked, and Gendry’s like “Bang bang Maxwell’s Silver Hammer” until J-Snow is just like -

And this is the part where we learn that when you kill a White Walker, all the zombies that got turned by that dude just like shut down.

But for some reason there was like a rogue zombie chilling with this group? 

Like he got lost or maybe one of his best zombie friends got turned by this White Walker and he wanted to hang out with him? I dunno, but like - they need a zombie and he’s here.

And they’re trying to restrain it but it’s basically just being all -

Until they just cover its mouth and put a bag over its head. Like, I guess that works. But it doesn’t solve the problem of the giant AVALANCHE that’s coming! And then J-Snow tells Gendry to run back to Eastwatch to send a raven to Daenerys. And Gendry’s like, ‘I’m not going!” But J-Snow is like, “You’re the fastest.”

And then. The Avengers. Book it. Right into this like frozen lake arena which is just BEGGING to be the locale for a crazy action setpiece. And they’re like running over the ice, and the zombies are just like surrounding them. And meanwhile, J-Snow is running pretty fast. Like, I don’t know if Gendry can top this speed.

Oh, yeah, also another Redshirt dies. Like, so many Redshirts die that I’m running out of Redshirt GIFs. Luckily this Redshirt’s death triggers ALL the ice around the Avengers to break so the zombies can’t get to them.

Meanwhile, Gendry is RUNNING!

Like, he packed his Reeboks. 

Or like some time has passed. Who knows. It’s morning now and the zombies are just chilling waiting for the lake to freeze again. And the Avengers are in the middle like -

Honestly, there’s a moment where it kinda looks like the Hound was snuggling with J-Snow. But if he was feeling warm and fuzzy, that all goes away when he kicks the zombie they’ve captured and it makes all the other zombies go -

Also, there are SO MANY zombies surrounding them. Like there’s the main level and then there’s literally a mezzanine. Oh yeah, also The Dude is dead. So naturally Beric Dondarrion is like -

Except like, “I’m gonna burn your body, Jack. I’m gonna burn your body.” Anyway, things are looking pretty dire at this moment, and J-Snow is like, “Daenerys is our only chance.” To which Beric replies -

And he doesn’t mean Princess Leia either. He’s talking about killing the Night King, who I’m gonna start calling the Night Queen just because. So Her Majesty is perched on a mountain nearby just like -

While somebody is banging on a piano all -

DRAGONSTONE

D-Baby is once again not listening to P-Dinky, except this time she’s wearing a very fashion-forward white coat-dress-thing. 

BEYOND THE WALL

Speaking of not making good decisions, the Hound is stir-crazy and throwing rocks at the zombies. Which is all fun and games until the zombies realize that the lake is frozen and they can fucking attack. But instead of running they all kinda runway walk toward the Avengers like -

Which is good, because it means the Avengers can pick them off one by one. Which is what they do. Also, there’s a sick violin thing happening under this part. It’s actually going pretty well. Like, they only lose one more redshirt.

I’M OUT OF REDSHIRT GIFS.

Anyway, soon it gets out of hand and the zombies are swarming, at which point J-Snow yells, “FALL BACK!” And I’m kinda just like -

Also strike that. Two more redshirts. Anyway, it gets all too much and slow-mo and everyone seems like they’re gonna die, it’s very -

But then, of course, the dragons are here, and D-Baby is just wiping out zombies like -

And she starts loading everyone onto Drogon like he’s a fucking taxicab.

And it really seems like everyone’s gonna make it out alive, until The Night Queen is just like, “Bring me my fucking javelin.” And lemme tell you, that little amulet thing she’s wearing around her neck MUST be a gold medal from her track and field days because she’s just like -

and D-Baby’s crying and like fuck I’M CRYING and there’s just blood gushing everywhere like -

And the dragon’s all-

But there is NO time to be sad, because the Queen is loading another fucking javelin and J-Snow’s just like “GO!” Until he gets mauled and falls into the water. And D-Baby’s like, “I want that D but I don’t want my dragon to die!” So off she goes.

Guys. This episode still isn’t fucking over. Because the camera lingers on J-Snow’s sword and I totally thought it was just gonna cut to black, but he climbs out of the water.

And it totally seems like the zombies are gonna fuck him up, when suddenly somebody rides in on a horse waving a fire ball. And I’m literally just like, “At this point, it can be only one person.”

Beyonce.

It’s not. It’s Benjen, who gives J-Snow his horse and then goes to the zombies like -

WINTERFELL

Phew. Sansa is sneaking around in Arya’s room when she finds her sister’s stash of creepy face masks, because apparently Arya just keeps that under her bed. Also the one face def looks like a Trump mask.

Anyway, Arya’s acting like a total creep being like, “These are my faces. I went to drama school and now -”

It’s too goddamn much.

DAENERYS’ SHIP

Forgive me, but it did feel like there was legit sexual tension between J-Snow and D-Baby in this scene. So much so that J-Snow calls her “Dany.”

If we remember, that’s what her rapey creep brother used to call her, so you know - par for the course for weird incest relationship we’re all actively rooting for. 

BEYOND THE WALL

The White Walker somehow got a bunch of chains (we’re really just pulling shit out of our asses now) and are heaving like -

And out comes the dragon. And the Night Queen just struts toward it like -

Like truly. She takes her time. And she lays her hand on the dragon like -

And sure enough, we linger on the dragon’s eye.

And we linger.

And we linger.

Until it’s just like -

Except it’ blue. Because it’s a zombie now, get it?

BODY COUNT: 9 (RIP White Walker Lieutenant, The Dude, the Dragon - was it Viserion? and 6 Redshirts) BOOB COUNT: None (is it time to retire this?) EPISODE GRADE: C+

SER POUNCE’S STRAY THOUGHTS

If somebody mentions bending the knee one more time, my head will explode.

This episode just really felt like Thrones going completely off the rails on every level. They have no time to make sense of all the plot developments that are happening, so we’re just getting random events trotted out that feel artificial. There is a world where Arya becoming a mistrusting vengeful person makes sense, but the jump was so drastic. It felt like Arya became an entirely different character overnight.

In all the chaos, I totally forgot that Cleganebowl could totally still be on.

The Daenerys scene is once more setting up the inevitable splitting of Tyrion and her. I think this has been handled pretty well, although what do we think about Tyrion making so many poor decisions? Back in Season 2, he was so slick with every plan and now he’s made several (including the one about trying to meet with Cersei) that seem unfounded in any logic, particularly when he’s the most logical of the characters.

D&D have pointed out in interviews the circle-like patterns the White Walkers make throughout the series. The overhead shot of the Avengers standoff with the polar bear = a continuation of this circle motif.

“I just got bit by a dead bear.” Same, dude. Same.

Sansa says, “Jon is not here. I haven’t heard from him in weeks.” That seems like a dick move, Jon.

“You’re faster without the hammer,” says Tormund. As if he’s seen him run both with and without the hammer. Did I miss an episode where Gendry is like an incredible long distance runner?

Confused as to why Sansa is being summoned to King’s Landing. Isn’t this just about presenting the wight to Cersei? What does Sansa have to do with this?

Regarding Pod, “He has become a competent swordsman.” False.

All this said, it does seem like Sansa has a trick up her sleeve. 

I’m also confused about killing the wights. I thought they had to burn to die, but it seemed like sword wounds and shit did them in this week. Can anyone confirm?

The dragon death did hit me, but do we know which dragon it was? The Internet says Viserion, but D&D don’t seem to even know in their after-episode interview. They just keep calling it “the dragon.”

The javelin thing was ridiculous. I know it, you know it, everybody knows it.

Yes, the Arya scene was crazy. But her offering the knife to Sansa - that’s gotta mean something, yeah?

Where’s Bran? Where’s Theon? Where’s Euron? Where’s Grey Worm? WTF is going to happen next week?

What is the show trying to make us feel with this Daenerys-Jon Snow love story? She’s his aunt, and we know this, but we want it (hell, I even want it). I feel like it’d be interesting to subvert our rooting for this, since we are always grossed out by Jaime and Cersei. Or maybe I’m looking for nuance where there isn’t any. It feels weird regardless.

So it seems like the dragon will help them bring down the Wall next episode. If that’s true, I wonder how it would be if we didn’t see its resurrection.

What did you guys think of this episode? As you can tell from the title, I was enthralled while watching it, but looking back feel like nothing that happened makes any sense at all. The Game of Thrones world has always been one subverting conventional fantasy tropes, i.e. the heroes cornered by the zombies in the middle of a frozen lake don’t heroically escape, they die. And as for that javelin, it exists solely because D&D needed the Night King to take down a dragon. 

Basically if you watched the first episode of Game of Thrones and then you watched this one, you’d think you were watching two completely different shows.

NEXT WEEK: Barack is back, Sansa makes some sort of decision, and literally every major character meets in King’s Landing.