#˗ˏˋ ― nurse first. ， 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝. ´ˎ˗

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trying to focus on an uni thing, but instead i'm thinking about the hobbies christine doesn't talk a lot about:

gardening, baking, singing && playing the piano ( she can also like... play an acoustic guitar as well as that douchey guy in college. so, like... not well, but well enough for drunk people to vibe and sing along ), she loves hiking, ice skating and softball, is really into scrapbook ( or, in modern verses, her instagram feed is amazing ), word games and reading ( enterprise book club anyone ?? )

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i was talking about the musical episode with @whtwclf, and the conversation shifted to whether christine likes musicals and i've decided she does, but she is not a huge fan of the classics. most sondheim musicals, hammerstein, pretty much most musicals pre-90's, she is not a big fan. she tends to prefer sung-through musicals, and if they aren't so classically broadway. and while she does like musicals that differ from the more classically musical genre, she does not like jukebox musicals that much either.

during our time, i'd say her top 10 musicals would be:

hadestown;

sweeney todd;

falsettos;

in the heights;

bright star;

rent;

american idiot ( i know it's a jukebox musical and so does christine, but she stands by this decision );

the rocky horror show;

the producers;

camelot ( another divergence, but here is the thing about christine: she will like anything king arthur related ).

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also, connected to the last post, i feel like christine probably has the vibe of like... a leverage character, especially elliot, when it comes to having some very random experiences. so out of nowhere she is like 'oh yeah, when i was learning andorian i got arrested by the vulcan police' and provides absolutely no explanation for what happened. 'oh, i love those little cakes. i had one of those when i spent six months in a convent without speaking'. no context, no details. when did this happen?? how did all of these happen to her?? no idea. sort of like the vibe in spock amok when we learned christine is bisexual and got chased out of a planet.

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thinking once again about the elysian backstory i created and i need to expand this into a general fantasy verse because i simply need to write more in that verse. christine, a peasant's daughter, a magical prodigy. sent to study in a far-away kingdom where magic is more accepted, only for her entire class, the people she trusted and loved, become corrupted by dark magic in an attempt to make the world safer for magical creatures like them.

she returns home on the run. everyone thinks she was involved, that she is also responsible for the massacre they committed. she settles at a forest at the edge of the village she grew up in: it is a large forest, which borders two big kingdoms, serving as a natural barrier as most people who enter, don't survive. the wood is filled with magic, and it does not welcome strangers. but christine starts taking care of the woods, making contact with the scared magical creatures inside it. created a village inside and welcomes witches from the neighboring kingdoms who don't feel safe. she doesn't mean to create a quasi-kingdom inside the woods, but it is what happens. the woods become hers. the people start calling her lady christine, and soon the two kingdoms have to accept her presence, her claim to the woods. they broker a deal. she may not have an army, but when they try to send their scouts inside, they return with their clothes inside out, and some sort of weird new-talent.

her having to broker deals with those kingdoms. going from peasant witch to a lady.

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_________  ⋆˚ ★ deleted scenes edit

Perhaps my only real expertise, my only talent, is to endure beyond the endurable., Jeff VanderMeer, Annihilation

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i am very very sleepy, but i wanna talk about a tos choice which i had originally adopted but now i decided that i don’t need to, and i think it’s cooler to keep her as it she is. in the movies, they establish that christine is now a medical doctor and no longer a nurse and later (out of sight) she is given more responsibilities and jobs, but only after she became a doctor.

becoming a doctor, therefore, is shown as a step-up, and that she wasn’t fulfilling her potential.

in beta canon as well. when she is the chief medical officer for una, she is a doctor, not a nurse, and that is completely unnecessary, chief medical officer is more of a command/administrative position than a medical one, it requires medical knowledge, yes, but you don’t need to be an MD to fulfill the obligations there (and christine already is a doctor, she is a phd, thank u very much).

ANYWAYS, i had originally adopted that choice, and even wove that into my ds9 verse, but i’ve changed my mind, and i think christine being chief medical officer and a nurse is so much more interesting. and like! we see how clever and capable she is. she is a nurse and a scientist, she could be a science officer if she wanted to be.

to say she needs to become a medical doctor to have that position not only dismisses the work nurses do, it also kind of reeks of misogyny as nursing is a profession usually associated with women.

basically: christine chapel does not become a medical doctor (though if she is ever annoyed enough, she will point to her phd and go wanna fight dude), she remains a nurse. a position which suits what she wants much better. it allows her to truly take care of people, not just heal them and move on.

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i saw this gifset on the tags, showing christine both during tos and snw asking spock to ask her christine, and i just love it. this is something christine does to everyone once she starts getting close to them. she does not like being called nurse chapel or miss chapel by her friends, even during business hours.

there are two explanations: (i) the klingon war, her experience there, buck's influence. after spending a year, working side-by-side with doctors and nurses who called each other by their first names, christine got used to it. going back to such formalities after cutting her teeth during a war feels strange; (ii) what title will ever fit her as well as christine chapel, a name that is both holy and a pun? sure, you can call her doctor chapel because of her doctorate, nurse chapel cause of her nursing degree, but those names don't represent who she is. christine chapel is a name which perfectly sums up her existence and she prefers that people use it. it is the name her mother choose, it is the last name she shares with her siblings. it is her.

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technically, christine exists in the kelvin timeline. we get a few mentions of her. but... i don't like or agree with them, so i'm going to pretend we're starting from scratch here. i quickly explained in here that the way i write christine is a direct rejection of the way aos presented her.

in summary, christine is someone that people don't easily forget. that people don't want to forget. she is magnetic, full of live and so vibrant, she tends to leave a mark in people's lives. by being their friend, their confidante, the person who made them laugh when everything felt hard. she is everyone's friend, she is on their corner, no matter what.

usually, for this verse, she attends starfleet academy instead of going to college and living as a civilian. this can change depending on plotting, as i'm fond of the spin snw gave her and how it shapes her outlook in life, but i like the idea of her going to the academy with everyone else and it provides an interesting twist.

christine graduates from the academy one year ahead of kirk and bones, and is stationed for one year at the uss ferragut, and she is transferred to the enterprise shortly after the first movie ends.

she is present for all events during the other two movies, specific events which she was a part of will depend on plotting as i don't want to assume things. in general, she is usually found on sickbay or in one of the science labs. in a pinch, she makes a very good blue shirt.

actually, i lied, one thing i'm going to adopt from the movies: she is friends with carol marcus, because why not? they are besties in this universe. however, as they both have the same hairstyle, i've decided to play around with christine's hair a little bit in this verse.

first picture. her look during starfleet academy + during the time of the first movie. second picture. her look during into darkness, a good contrast to carol's style. third picture. her look during beyond and post canon. she'll eventually go back to her look during the second movie, which is the one she tends to favor later in life. a more detailed look about her hair in this verse can be found here.

some extra tidbits that i wanted to share:

christine also favors the white jumpsuit look in this universe;

roger kirby was a professor at the vulcan science academy. he and christine were together, but not engaged yet. he died when vulcan was destroyed;

she has her masters in genetics by the first movie. by the end of the third, she's got a DNP advanced practice and a PhD in the philosophy of nursing ( dual degree );

as she went to starfleet academy, and did a full cadet rotation, she eventually (in her mid-thirties) switches to the command-track.

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i was going to make an entire post updating some of the info of my aos verse since i rewatched the first movie lately with a friend, but instead, here is a quick study of christine's hair during the three movies:

image i. christine's hair during the first movie. cropped above her shoulders, its slightly curly, rarely tied back. she dyes it white pretty regularly, but sometimes she forgets and her darker natural shade shows.

image ii. christine’s hair during the second movie ( into the darkness ). she returns to her natural color, a dark golden blonde, and it stops a little below her shoulders. she usually wears it in a half-ponytail or in another hairstyle that keeps it out of her face. she especially favors half-ponytails like these ones:

image iii. christine’s hair during the third movie ( beyond ). a drastic change. not only does christine cut it very short, way above her shoulders, she also dyes it red. it is not the only color she tries out: there are a few weeks when she is sporting a very cute pink bob, and even a disastrous purple hair weekend. most of the time though, she is just playing around with the shade of red she wants to sport:

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christine is a little bit superstitious and sort of believes in manifestation. originally, i had it the other way around: a scientist wouldn't be prone to such eccentricities, and then i realized, of course christine who is more of a mad scientist would have some of these little ticks.

she crosses her fingers, she bites her tongue, careful to never call the game before it's over.

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subspace rhapsody canon divergence

i really enjoyed the ep. i love musicals episodes, the good ones and the bad ones. and there were great moments in this one - the first song, christine and uhura’s solos, the pike song moment which made me yell out loud. it was not perfect, there were some cringe-ass moments which i felt could have been written better, but on the whole, i can’t wait to have access to the soundtrack so i can put some of these songs on repeat.

however, we do have something... weird going on here with christine which i'm not sure i like, or will be acknowledging.

let's go back to spock amok, where we get christine's line about relationships:

You're supposed to put her ahead of your duties. That's what being in a relationship is, it's mutual sacrifice. Pretty much why I avoid them.

we see that she keeps her relationship with the lieutenant from the other ship light, and runs away the second he tries to make it into something real.

by keeping the relationship not very serious, making it a long distance thing, based on physical compatibility rather than emotional one, christine could stay safe. which is the opposite of the relationship that was being built with spock.

she talks to him, listens to his problems, becomes involved in them, shares personal things about herself. we see that she is building there a relationship based on trust, that she is actually invested in.

when they finally enter into a relationship, it is after she acknowledges she has serious feelings about him, that go way beyond friendship. she puts saving him before the fellowship, forgets about the interview. it's m'benga who has to remind her.

we see she is struggling with the relationship, trying to take it slow in the next episode, and that using a convoluted metaphor, she is able to explain herself to spock and they seem to be in a very good place by the next episode from background shots.

boimler scares her with his knowledge about the future. how she is not a part of it (let's take a second and appreciate jess right here, and the way christine tries to smile for a second because she can't let someone see her shatter but fails and looks away from him):

but they are working on their communication problems! at the end of the episode, we know that she talked to spock because he confronts boimler about it:

her fear of intimacy and letting herself get hurt. his vulcan emotions, they are making it work by communicating with each other.

in the next episode, which deals with war trauma, once again we're hit with a wrench but the??? context?? is so specific? this is about christine's war trauma, the probable promise she made to m'benga never to tell anyone about what happened on the moon and what he did. she can't be open about it because the wounds are fresh, and it is not just her secret to tell. which makes sense, and even couples with excellent communication skills would probably end up having some troubles within this context.

however, the writers used this problem as a pretext for what happens on episode 9 which i think is completely different. this is about work. three months back on earth to work on a fellowship.

christine's first thought is how excited she is. her second one is that she needs to tell spock and talk to him.

but... they never do. somehow she has time to tell sam??? but she doesn't have time to tell spock?? yes, they are working on something, but i don't believe that she couldn't have stolen a moment away between meetings to tell him about the fellowship.

instead, we get several instances of miscommunication. it is not even problems in communication, it is simply the show doesn't even allow them a second to try and talk about it. we get spock seeing korby's name on the communication log and then walking in on christine celebrating. two improbable, probable moments which felt forced in order to make this work.

the thing is, christine, always, always, sacrificed herself until now. we see that for spock, for something that's serious and matters, she is willing to put herself on the line. at the end of spock amok, serene squall, we get moments of them talking through the problems of the day, or christine giving him the out he needs. when he is ignoring her at the start of the season, in charades, she does call him out on it, showing that she is hurt by his actions. during all those who wander, we see her chasing after him when he is hurt in order to provide him comfort.

christine is not good at communicating because she has intimacy issues. but christine is always willing to work, and put other people's needs ahead of her own. she did not want to face her feelings for spock until his life was on the line (charades). so her hurting him this way? the way the song ends on a callous note and she doesn't try to find him like she's done multiple times before? feels out of character.

christine can hurt people with her intimacy issues, but never this way. she knows herself, she knows that when she is in a relationship, she is the one who makes the sacrifice, the one who puts the other person ahead of herself. so now that she is with spock, she wouldn't just accept the fellowship and not tell him immediately.

i feel like the events of this episode were contrived for spock to have his song about being an ex, instead of letting it develop naturally.

in my interpretation, she would find a way to tell him very quickly. not because she is afraid he'll hear it from someone else, but because she is excited and wants to share it with him. her song is all her excitement that she's gotten the fellowship. why wouldn't she want to share it with her partner.

again, if she had time to tell sam, she would have time to tell spock.

christine can never be callous. she can be emotional, and angry, and determined, but callous? if the song is about her truth, it should have been about wanting to talk to him, while also wanting to explore her passions.

tldr. christine talked to spock before her song and told him she wanted to do the fellowship, but that she would be able and they'd stay in touch ( if that's what he wants, she would add ). she would fight against her own instincts of keeping everything bottled up because she could never hurt him in such a callous, stupid way. at her core, she is someone who would rather hurt herself than hurt another.

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DOSSIER CHEAT SHEET

LEGAL NAME: Christine Audrey Chapel

NICKNAME[S]: tina, chrissy, chris, trouble

DATE OF BIRTH: October 20th, 2229

GENDER: female

PLACE OF BIRTH: Earth

CURRENTLY LIVING: Enterprise

SPOKEN LANGUAGES: Federation Standard, French, Vulcan && German

EDUCATION: Stanford University (undergraduate, majors in biochemitry, genetics and medical science, minors in immunology, endocrinology && history), masters in archeological medicine and biochemistry, phd in epigenetics ++ nursing degree

HAIR COLOR: white (bleached), naturally a honey blonde

EYE COLOR: blue

HEIGHT: 175 cm

WEIGHT: 60 kg

FAMILY INFORMATION

SIBLING[S]: possibly an older sister, and a younger brother (still TBD)

PARENT[S]: Leigh and Jonathan Chapel

RELATIVE[S]: large family, her mom was one of five girls, all had around two or three kids, so christine grew up with several cousins that she is still very close to.

CHILDREN: verse dependent

PET[S]: milo, a dog when she was younger. she had a cat during her university years (name TBD)

RELATIONSHIP INFORMATION

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: bisexual

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: verse dependent.

tagged by: @dimensionalspades (thank you!)

tagging: @owedfavors, @mutatedangels (twyla), @whenthisstoryends, @cosmicrayed, @danviers, @defectiveprts, @dernhelmalso,

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_________  ⋆˚ ★ episode edit!

christine's winning chess strategy? charming her opponent blind. honestly, i see her more as someone who is good at outsmarting the other player by thinking outside the box. she fits into the definition of the tricky player:

There is something about the way a tricky player plays that's very disconcerting. Repeatedly they will play moves that you didn't even consider and that just flat out look weird, to the extent that it may become very confusing for you. They never give up, and are constantly looking for ways to trap and attack you. These types of players are usually very entertaining because of their resourceful and imaginative style. They can be differentiated from calculating and attacking players mainly by the unorthodox nature of their play.

compared to other characters who are canonically good in this game ( jim, spock, data ) she is not nearly as good as them. she can challenge them, but almost never win. partially it’s because she picked up the game late (during her 20’s), but mostly, it’s that once she got good enough, she stopped being as interested in it. not because she doesn’t find the game challenging or hard anymore, she still does, but if she has the time to play something, she prefers faster games that allow for more relaxed conversation. she does appreciate, however, the silent conversation of a chess game, and the intimacy it creates.

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episodes 5 analysis

i support women's wrongs, i support women's rights, but most of all, i support women's rights to be messy

in short, this episode truly captured something that i have always said about christine: she is absolutely brilliant, a genius in her field, and while emotionally intelligent when it comes to others, she has a lot of trouble making her voice heard when it comes to things that are extremely personal to her.

she is afraid of listening to her own heart and getting hurt, so she hides behind a smile instead. no one thinks the girl who laughs loud and fast has anything to hide, not when she lives her life so exuberantly.

she involves others in her life. everyone on the ship is helping her study. which means not only did she tell people, they all stopped what they were doing to read up on what her fellowship is about in order to quiz her.

as i explained on my previous unhinged post, christine is someone who inspires others to love and help her. that is just her power. and this episode made that very clear.

so, without further ado, let's get into it.

first scene, christine studying.

korby's principles. here we have another mention of my arch-nemesis, and also the man i'm weirdly obsessed about, i apologize, roger kirby. the show is establishing him as a huge deal on the field, knowing and understanding his principles is part of the application process.

we have christine reciting each principle (and she will use them all by the end of the episode) in various scenes. first, we have her and m'benga on sickbay and their fist bump.

then, we have her and uhura training. and i just want to stop and say something i haven't said this season: let's stop and appreciate her hair here:

i honestly adored this little moment between her and uhura. seeing christine on an enterprise t-shirt which is??? hot as fuck, not gonna lie. but also the little twirl she does when she gets it right??? it was so sweet and adorable! she is so excited about getting it right. i love how she just enjoys herself, does a little dance. its perfect.

finally, we have girls's night. christine, la'an and erica drinking together and they all do a shot when christine gets the final principle right.

also, appreciation post for christine's dangly earrings. fashion statement.

here we have the chief medical officer, the chief of security and the pilot (+their prodigy communications officer) all helping christine prepare for her fellowship, being supportive of her. i love the found family vibes, how they all care about her. and you know christine would do the same for them.

also, i find this field christine is studying absolutely fascinating. a study of history, of people, understanding that your knowledge may not be as advanced as previous understandings of it. that you have to look backward to move forward. it is a perfect fit for her personality, a more humanities based approach of science, and something completely unique to what we've seen before.

also, if you are wondering, christine's favorite historical period is... one which did not happen (arthurian legends). jk jk. no, but she honestly loves tales of chivalry.

shuttle scene

oh, christine. baby girl.

what an awkward moment.

It is good to see you, Nurse Chapel. We did see each other in the turbolift the other day.

christine? why??? like, i love it. erica mentions on a previous scene that spock and christine aren't talking and things are awkward between them. so here we have smooth christine chapel, who doesn't appear to have trouble flirting or talking to people, making things awkward.

i feel like it was born out of exhaustion. she is tired of this situation, of this weird distance between them. he is her friend and she misses him. so she lashes out. he is polite and impersonal and she hates this. this is christine, who insists on being called christine, who dislikes formalities, and here he is, her friend, acting like she is a stranger.

spock though, is sweet. even though he was not involved in helping her study, he clearly heard about it and is now trying to support her in his own way. saying the vulcans would be lucky to have her. at this moment in time, vulcans are super human-phobic. spock is literally the only human-vulcan hybrid to exist (to survive, actually) and it took a lot of work to make their genetics match and the efforts were met with hostility. i feel like christine never had a good chance to get that fellowship because of the anti-human prejudice there (see disco season one), but here we have spock, someone who has faced this hostility, trying to say it will be okay??? because he believes in her? knows how good she is???

*screams*

anyways. let's all appreciate how cute she looks before we move on:

then we get this wonderful line from christine:

I don't usually read into this sort of thing much, but, uh, it's felt like you've been avoiding me.

and the way jess delivers it... its so perfect. its clear that, no, she is lying, this is something she thinks about a lot, that she pays attention to, because she pays attention to people. so of course she noticed it from the second his behaviour changed. but she is careful, tries to make it seem like it doesn't matter, that this isn't hurting her.

and spock, of course, immediately swerves and does not answer.

anyways, i am obsessed that spock is so in love with christine he can't even talk to her normally.

if i had two nickels every time a man loved christine so much he became a mess, i'd have two nickels. which isn't a lot, but it's weird that me and @highaver had this plot (but beautifully platonic) already going on. snw writers??? are you following me??? let's talk, i have ideas.

back on the ship

i really appreciate getting to see christine zooming about, trying to come up with an answer. the way the show framed her was excellent. m'benga is offering suggestions and she immediately countering him, it is clear that when it comes to genetics, they are on equal ground and she might even know more than him. it is a very good use of her skills, and a very nice twist on a dynamic that majel said was boring during her time (just going yes doctor, i'll get it for you). christine gets to be a capable medical professional, a scientist.

christine and m'benga's friendship means so much to me, so i was very glad to see them working together again.

the way she so easily admits to him that she feels guilty, that she survived unscathed while he was hurt, using the worlds survivor's guilt. now that we know they served in the war together, this easy connection, the trust they have in each other (i'm gonna say christine always knew rukiya was there, no i don't have any proof but i know she did) is so?? beautiful.

back to christine, her working through the night??? m'benga questioning her and she just moves on to talk about work instead of admitting it?? i love a workaholic guilty gal who pushes herself to the limit in order to save her friends. becoming so focused, she forgets about her interview.

the interview.

well, that did not go well.

first, we have to talk about how the vulcan addresses her. he calls her miss chapel, which i found weird. now, in this blog, i have it as canon that she already has a phd, but even if she didn't, she is still nurse chapel, she has a title and he addresses her as if she was someone off the street.

i do love that christine's first reaction is to say christine. i love her informality, it is a nice consistent trait.

the interviewer is a jerk. the way he sees science is also very close-minded, something to be repeated and memorized, instead of understood and developed further, which is what christine did. she used her field experience to enrich her application:

Well, I just thought that maybe my field work would be relevant, given that I've made several discoveries.

with her being on a ship that is making first contact + exploring civilizations that have since been abandoned, christine has a lot of opportunity to study archeological medicine, to be the first person to analyze a culture under that gaze and discover something new, something meaningful for the present. i'm loving the idea that she's been publishing papers, becoming bigger in her field, while she is on enterprise. that she hasn't given up on being an academic, a researcher, this is still a big part of her life.

anyways, i'm gonna fight that guy behind denny's tomorrow.

meeting spock on the corridor.

first and foremost, let's all stop and appreciate how beautiful she is. beaming, huge smile, soft eyes, laugh lines and small dimples at the corner of her lips!! honestly, is there anyone prettier than her?? cuter??? not when she has a smile like this.

i really liked that this was her only interaction with human!spock. for one, she was too busy the rest of the episode coming up with a cure to interact with him socially, or participate in his human lessons. but also, i think it gave her a glimpse of a more simple life, one where spock is quick to hug her when she feels sad, that he cracks jokes more openly, and understands what she is feeling. and while we can see her get swept up in the possibility, we also see she is not happy with it. she misses the old spock, wants that vulcan part of him just as much as the human side. he is not one or the other, he is both, that's the person she loves.

like, considering that christine has always represented textually his more human side, his humanity, softness, to separate them during this moment was very clever. it showed she is more than an accessory to his story line, but by also having this one moment, it also reinforced their connection. in every other moment, he is floundering, not understanding social rules and cues. but in that moment, because his human side already had a connection with her, it was easier. and again, that's the power of christine, of who she is -- she makes it easy for people to exist around her. he had nothing to prove, he didn't need to pretend he knew what he was doing, he could just be.

and here is one more gif of her smiling cause she is so adorable:

back to sickbay + scene with the girls

christine has run through all available options. federation technology. m'benga secret studies, her own research. she's gone through them all and hasn't found a solution, the change the alien species made to spock's dna impossible to revert. again, i love that we saw christine being treated as an equal, and honestly, the expert. m'benga is not involved?? at all? he is assisting her, but he isn't doing the work, which means he knows she is the one who should be responsible for finding this cure, that this is spock's best option.

I JUST LOVE IT WHEN SHE GETS TO BE A SCIENTIST.

but science can only take you so far. when that fails, she needs to go batshit insane and let her heart lead her.

she goes to erica and nyota and convinces them to steal a shuttle so they can go talk to some aliens (alien which no other species has made contact with in thousands of years).

erica asks her if the captain okeyed this and she just doesn't answer. she continues talking about the plan, gives a speech and convinces the girls to basically go rogue. and again, CHRISTINE'S POWER!!! she can convince people to do anything, i won't be convinced otherwise.

If we don't do this now, Spock is going to be stuck like this. I was in that crash with him, and I survived, while he... was changed. If there is a way to save him, I have to try.

anyways, i need her to get into some sort of trouble for this.

BUT ALSO!!! the fact m'benga also knew and was like: rip, its impossible to stop her, what did you want me to do? tie her up?? cause that's the only way to stop her?? obsessed with this energy for her, actually.

scene with the aliens

girlies, if i cried when christine started crying, that's my problem, and i should not be judged for having a soft heart because christine has the softest heart in the world and that's what she used to convince the aliens to save her friend (and grumble grumble FRIENDS SHOULD GET TO LOVE AS DEEPLY AS OTHER RELATIONSHIPS THAT WAS RIDICULOUS FOR A SHOW THAT IS BUILT ON FOUND FAMILY OKAY)

anyways, first, let's just take a second, and once again how admire, how heartbreakingly beautiful she is. how big her eyes are.

now let's mock her

the second gif, her doing a little movement asking for the girls to turn around so she can talk to the entity about her feelings privately?? even though they can still hear everything she says?? is absolutely adorable and charming. she wants that, even though its an illusion. they can still hear her crying, talking about her feelings, how much it hurts.

but it is absolutely christine. she denies her feelings to everyone, and to herself, she needs that illusion of privacy in order to be honest with herself. its such a small delicate thing but it really shows what sort of person christine is, and what her fears are.

also, when christine learns that spock diverted the shields to save her, her face! the entity calls them each other's caregivers and that's a great summary. they take care of each other, look out for each other,. they do it in quiet ways, in loud ways, in risking the enterprise and by not sleeping for nights in order to find a solution.

and then we have christine giving the episode's great big speech. it compliments perfectly with amanda's speech about how hard it is to love a vulcan when you are human.

Spock is... He's my friend. And... maybe sometimes, I wish that we had... more... connection. But when you healed him, you changed him. You made him, um, easier to talk to, someone who probably, um... understands my feelings a little better. But, um... it's not him. At least, it's not all of him because you took away the other part, a part that I was connected to. And I miss him... as he was. Can you please help put him back?

even though it is hard, it hurts, she loves him for who he is. this version of him, that is easier, who made her laugh and hugged her when he realized she was sad, is precious, but it is not spock, and she is not going to stop until she saves him. and she does, she gets the information she needs to create a cure. not by being the smartest person in the room, but by realizing that current science can only take her so far, that she needs to use technology from another culture to save him.

and to get the information, she doesn't need to dazzle someone, or memorize instructions. she needs to connect. so she shows the entity the truth inside her heart.

back to the ship

after all of it, when she comes back, when he tries to say he returns her feelings, she stops him. she wants him back as he was, and if he can only confess his feelings when he is isn't in control of himself, she doesn't want it. she respects him too much for that. to allow him to do something he wouldn't normally do.

she wants all of him, faults and difficulties, or not at all.

also, i keep staring at this gif and i can't stop thinking about pride and prejudice:

You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.

and yes, i demand an au now.

back to the scene, when christine leaves and she is heartbroken i was ready to fight someone. she faced her feelings, admitted them to herself and the galaxy, saved spock and then had to let him go so he could go back to his engagement dinner. she can't have him, he is not hers, she has to let him go and it hurts so much. in this scene, when he says, i have many feelings, its confusing she replies yes, i know, me too. the girl on the shuttle at the beginning of the episode wouldn't have said that, she would have smiled and tried to make a joke of it. she wouldn't have opened her heart.

so when she has to leave, has to let him go, that hurts. she's been running away, trying not to face it, so it won't hurt as much, and the universe forced her to face it in order to save him. to save him, she broke her own heart.

telling that vulcan (not spock) to go fuck himself ( and fucking spock )

LET ME JUST

I encountered a species that hasn't interacted with humans or Vulcans for centuries. I convinced them to help me with an ancient medical procedure. What sort of medical procedure? You can read about it in my paper when it comes out later this year. I would consider applying again, but, you know, the truth is... I don't think your fellowship is ready for me.

christine actually used the korby principles in real life. she did something unique, and completely impossible, and instead of using that to gain entry into the fellowship, she realized that she deserves better than a fellowship that isn't going to teach her anything a book won't. she is doing groundbreaking field work. she is going to wait for an opportunity where she can actually learn something new.

and again, brilliant christine. as i said at the beginning of the post, christine is incredible, a genius in her field. and here she is, after making a mess out of her personal life, she doesn't allow the same to happen to her professional one. there, she is calm, confident, and even cocky. she knows her worth in that aspect and she is not going to get pushed around.

on the other hand.... yeah, she is a mess in her personal life. she actively goes to find spock to talk to him. which is the last thing she should be doing.

she just faced her feelings, and instead of dealing of processing them on her own, she searches for him. wants that connection she talked about before. so when he says he and t'pring are taking some time apart, and that he has feelings for her (strong, vulcan feelings for her), she doesn't hesitate. she wants it, has been aching for him, so she goes for it. for this chance with him. doesn't think twice about how this can and will hurt her in the future, all the ways that it will go wrong.

christine is self-destructive. she is someone who tends to search for meaningless relationships in order to protect herself from the pain of something like this. something that is real and that if it ends... will leave her with permanent scars.

at the end, she is playing fast and loose with something that she's been trying to hold at bay for ages.

final thoughts.

i honestly loved it. her characterization, the way it deepens her complicated feelings with love, what an excellent officer she is. it was able to cram it all in, without having to do all of it through exposition. we know she is excellent by observing her. we know she is loved, because of the way everyone acts around her. i want more of christine + the girls, and i need to see more of these discoveries she's made in the past year. i want to see christine at work, being excellent. while i love the romance and personal touch of this episode (which i do), seeing her working was possibly my favorite part.

anyways, she needs therapy and i love that for her <3

also the rest of enterprise as well, cause please guys, don't support your best friend to break up an engagement. that's insane. funny as hell, not gonna lie, i love that chaotic energy for them, but pleaseeeee.

[nursc]

i was talking to katya about whether people would still handwrite things in the 23rd century and i found a screencap of chakotay using a very futuristic pen to write a report, though i don’t remember the details of the scene. so i think we can say people still learn how to write letters by hand, though continued use truly depends on the person, especially since verbal records (and transcripts of them) appear to be the predominant way people keep records.

i’m thinking christine is someone who appreciates all the technology available to her. from the most primitive ( handwriting ) to the most modern ( audio-logs ). she loves audio-logs as it allows her to simply think through the problem with no distractions. so when she is still trying to develop an idea, she prefers to talk it through. however, to truly get a grasp on what she is doing, and all the information that is available to her, she needs to physically write it down. while she could do it on a computer, she prefers to do that on paper so she can organize the ideas in a way that makes sense for her. that involves a lot of bullet points, arrows and colors.

only later, when she is fully confident in her understanding of the subject, does she record it in a more official capacity in an audio-log, or type it up.

but she also writes a lot in her day-to-day life. as a teenager, she kept extensive journals (she still buys cute notebooks whenever possible, she has a pile of them stashed in her room). christine also carries around post-its to write things down, leave cute notes for her friends, or remind them of something. at least once a week m'benga finds a note in his workspace reminding him to eat an apple, or to come hang out with her after their shift.

her hand writing would be sort of similar to these fonts, a mixture of them, really:

christine prizes speed and readability. so her handwriting has a very light, spirited quality to it. but, as she was totally a journal girlie in her teens, she spent a long time perfecting loops and highly stylized letters, so these still come through in her writing.

[nursc]

i'm once again thinking about the description we get of christine's beauty in what little girls are made of, how she is more starkly attractive than beautiful, how, yes, christine is a very conventionally beautiful woman, but she is first and foremost, stunning. she is tall, legs that go on for days, her eyes shine such a bright blue, she is elegant and charming, which only makes her appear even more attractive. the quote continues to say 'a woman capable of startling vitality…' and i think that's also part of what makes christine appear attractive. she is so full of life, she shines, she burns, you see her, and you want to see more of her. and i think when you see more of her, its when you see beauty, cause that's when you see the slight imperfections, the freckles on her nose and cheeks, the marks on her arms, every little thing that you miss when you only see the bright image she shows the entire world.