#‘ just had to not have cancer uh :^)’ bitch take care of your own racist bullshits and shut the fuck up

[maagicmiss]

so today I learnt that US/Canadian’s medias and governments think that if France is getting fucking bombed and random middleschool teacher decapited in the middle of a damned street it’s because of our Laïcité ? It’s because we says that Religion is private matter and that you shouldn’t exhibit your faith in public space ? Fucking hell yall rather blame the killed citizens by cold blooded and brainwashed extremists rather than consider not every country is modeled from your bullshit shitshow of a ‘’’’’democracy’’’’’. I’m fucking done I’m so fuckinf sone and pissed

[deathtownusa]

Cornib Bleau Vine Sentence Starters (feel free to change proper nouns, pronouns, etc. to fit your needs)

“I like to roller skate and...throw up”

“I eat at olive garden every day and I die at olive garden every day.”

“I was born a baby and I’ll die a baby”

“I have a question. What’s the best wedding gift? A chia pet? No.”

“No one knew Steve Jobs like I did. I’m the only who knew that he could suck and fuck like a bad girl.”

“In middle school I tongue wrestled Keith Urban for a churro.”

“It’s so sad all the old people being murdered by God.”

“Got kicked out of church. I farted in an envelope and sent it to God”

“I’m not allowed in my house because my mom says I have stinky knees.”

“I get kicked out of Starbucks every day because I walk in and look at the barista and say good morning coffee bitch.”

 “I don’t have to brush my teeth every day!”

“If Elvis was still alive I’d make him take me to Panera. Make him pay for me.”

“My doctor just found out he has cancer. Guess he’s not a very good doctor.”

“I think Godzilla is a beautiful man. I don’t care that he’s so big. I wanna take him to Red Robin.”

“Just got the news. I’m going to Disney - to Walt Disney...’s grave. To mourn.”

“I eat my teeth for breakfast every day.”

“I just got a girlfriend. Her name’s Titty Pussy.”

“I’m mad! My mom just threw out all my David Spade scented candles.”

“This is my impression of a whale: ‘I’ve been dead for so long.’ It’s a ghost whale.”

“This is my impression of Pitbull: ‘Please help me! I’m so bald!’“

“I pooped during my school picture.”

“Can dinosaurs get periods?”

“I got blacklisted from Dave and Busters ‘cause I molested myself in laser tag.”

“I had a panic attack at the Apple store.”

“I’ll give you a jalapeno so spicy the mushroom will pop off your dick and run circles around you.”

“Please download my new app it’s called ‘Mom’. It raises you from birth.”

“Always remember to achieve your dreams...by 7 p.m. Thanks.”

“Look at my little feet! But please stop asking to see my legs. My legs are for family only.”

“I’m in a committed relationship with a ghost. His name’s Brad. We met at Panera.”

“I have a request for a show. I want to see the episode where Drake milks Josh.”

“My sister just had a baby boy. She let me name it. I named it Fuck Truck Lesbian.”

“I’m mad! I just got kicked out of Men’s Warehouse because I peed in my own shoes.”

“What’s a guy gotta do to get his cock hobbled and gobbled by a bus full of church elves?”

“Do not text message Garfield the cat! He’s racist as shit!”

“Please download my new app it’s called ‘Rachel. Please come home your parents are worried.’“

“I just found out I have heart worm.”

“I came up with a riddle: Jack and Jill went up the hill and fucked and fucked and fucked and fucked.”

“I’m looking for a thick girl wearing Heelys to come over and sneeze in my mouth.”

“Knock knock. Who’s there? No one, it’s just a joke. It’s just a joke!”

“I hate Taylor Swift ‘cause she stays out too late! Stays out too late.”

“I hope you fall down a flight of steps and bust your reptile face Adrian Brody, you fucking iguana!”

“I’m lookin’ for a busty old bitch to slap me around. Make me snort like a hog.”

“What’s a guy gotta do to get his cock hobbled and gobbled by a trolley bus full of church elves? Huh?”

“Always remember it’s better to have loved and lost than to have accidentally outed your gay nephew on Reddit.”

“I said I can’t come to your party, Alan ‘cause my sister’s a goat and I have to milk her every single minute.”

“I have a riddle: What’s red?...Blood.”

“I’m looking for a cool dog who can buy me alcohol.”

“My neighbor Casey died. I’m throwing a dance party in his house. No cops!”

“This is my impression of God. ‘Ooh your son made varsity? My son died - for everyone.’“

“How come there’s always a bird in Home Depot?”

“I have a riddle: How do you get pennies out of your stomach? Well, it’s not a riddle - I need advice. How do you get pennies out of your stomach?”

“People are telling me I’m never gonna find true love, but guess what? I’ve been fuckin’ Shrek! So I don’t wanna hear it!”

“Please strangle me on a sailboat.”

“I got kicked out of a restaurant. They said it was because I elbowed a baby, but I just think they’re sick and tired of me and my farty ass.”

“This is my impression of John Stamos: ‘Watch the - watch my hair, please.’“

“I’m lookin’ for a new baby sitter and not some lame ass Safety Town fucker. I’m talkin’ someone who’s not afraid to jerk my dick on a Segway without a helmet.

“Guess what? My best friend’s a judge and guess what? He just invited me to jail.”

“Please hire me to do tricks. I’ll make you money. I’m working on a trick called cock splash!”

“Serious inquiries only: I’m lookin’ for an abandoned barn where I can find a musty busty bitch to slobber and gaggle over my pork knob.”

“This is urgent! Please donate to my Go Fund Me. I’m trying to get Ryan Seacrest to swallow his own load.”

“True Life: I’m allergic to my own goddamned dick.”

“True Life: I have 10 sons and they all smell like sex.”

“Hello! ‘Bout to watch American Idol. Please no spoilers! I’m only on season 2. Thanks.”

“Uh, bad day! Not one person on the bus highfived me for catching my throw up in my hand.”

“If I was your man I’d lay spread eagle on your hover board waiting for you to get home so I can pop, lock, and cock ya.”