#“a guitar has 6 strings —” starts sobbing uncontrollably

[samgatinho]

im like 10 episodes behind on hermitcraft but uhm... grian with a guitar!!! yippie!!!!!!!

[classic-rock-roller]

1. You know Bonham’s been going through a rough patch lately, and she’s been locking herself in her room and binge drinking. You decide to have an intervention. You, Tom, your whole band, and QR are there. When Bonham comes out, she’s clearly just dragged herself out of bed. You push her onto the couch, and she listens to your spiel, dazed. When you finish, you ask, “Do you have anything to say for yourself?” All she says is, “This is probably the type of conversation I should have worn pants for.” How do you respond? What do the others say to her? Do you get her to stop?

Me: I’m just glad we got you out here for this conversation. 

Tom: We’re really worried about you, Bons. 

Kevin: I love you. Please don’t drink yourself to death. 

Erik, Sean, and Linus are all somber but look at her with worried expressions. 

Rudy is hugging her on one side and Frankie is on the other and Carlos has run to the bathroom. 

We do get her to stop after she starts attending AA meetings. 

2. You and Bonham and Tom and Kevin are playing cards and Kevin keeps boasting about his good luck. At one point Bonham says, “Shut up.” “No,” he says. “Don’t make me come over there and sit on you.” she says. Kevin says under his breath, “Is that a promise or a threat?” Does Bonham hear it? How does she respond? How do you and Tom respond? What happens if Bonham goes and sits on him?

Bons: A promise. 

She goes over and sits on him. 

I’m laughing hysterically and so is Tom. 

Kevin is huffing. “Come on, it’s not that funny. Bons, get off.” 

3. To participate in giving to a charity, your band sells dates with you and Bonham. Tom makes sure he wins the date with you, but Kevin got sniped when he tried to buy Bonham’s date. She says it’s fine, it’s for charity. “I just hope it’s not Vince, he’s always gets too handsy.” The night of the date comes, and you are getting ready to leave with Tom when the buyer of Bonham’s date shows up at the door. You answer it and guess what, it’s Vince. What do you tell him? What does he say? What does Bonham say when she learns it’s him?

“Vince, I’m warning you now don’t get handsy with Bons ok?” 

Vince: Oh, I’m not. This is my practice date for when I take out Sharise for the first time. I’ll be a perfect gentleman. 

Bons comes down the stairs and turns right back around while saying, “Oh, hell no.”

4. You and your college fuck buddy are scheduled to go to a party with Bonham and three of her friends. When you get there, one of the boys is playing a video game, the other is playing around with Master of Puppets on a 7 string guitar, and Bonham and the other girl are in a heated argument that ends with the threat of, “Don’t make me shove my foot into your tampon tunnel.” How do you and your fuck buddy respond? Do you leave or do you stay? How does it go if you stay? What do you do if you leave?

Mick: Uhh...

Me: This is normal. Hey Erik, Good game going there. Linus nice noodling pretty soon you’ll be able to write your own stuff for our band. Jess, how many times have I told you not to piss off Bons. Bons don’t kick her in the tampon hole, please. 

Mick kind of awkwardly stands at the edge of the room until Bons notices him and pulls him over. 

5. Bonham is sleeping on the couch one day when you’re making french toast. You leave her plate for her on the floor next to the couch before you leave for work. Kevin and Tom are scheduled to meet you there when you're done with work, and as the three of you walk in you see she’s still there. Tom startles her awake, and she falls off the couch, her hair landing in the plate of French Toast. She’s looking stoic and Kevin asks if she’s okay when she bursts out laughing. She laughs uncontrollably for a solid two minutes before she’s sobbing violently. You’re all a bit freaked out. What do you all do? Why is she so fucking nuts? (trick question no one fucking knows)

She’s had a long day she didn’t sleep well the night before because she was up all night from a bad stomach bug. I pull her into a hug and go, “I know, I know.” Tom asks if she’s ok and throws away the plate and Kevin helps her get the goop and stuff out of her hair and partially off her clothes. 

6. You and Tom and Bonham and Kevin are hanging out and it’s still after Kevin has been freshly released from rehab. Kevin joined Bonham in the chair she was in (an obvious attempt to get close with her), and as he’s talking he accidentally brushes her boob with his hand. “Jeez stop titty punching me.” she says as a joke. He flusters and says, “They’re just so big and in the way.” How does she respond and what do you and Tom say?

Bons: Well, try to be more careful next time, ok?

Tom whispers to me that he thinks Kevin likes her and I whisper back, “You think? It’s quite obvious.” 

7. You know that Bonham writes in a journal instead of going to therapy because it’s cheaper and easier. One day you and Tom are waiting for your kids to arrive home from school (they’re all about high school age) so you all can go to a family dinner with Bonham and Kevin. Sam seems very eager to just lock himself in his room when he gets home. Not long after, Bonham and Kevin arrive, and Bonham is really mad. “What’s wrong aunt Bons?” Cassie asks. “I don’t know who did it, but someone in this house took my private journal and leaked the whole thing online, so now all my darkest secrets are trending on every social media site from here to fucking Cancun. I know it wasn’t your parents, and your kids were the only other ones who knew about it. Who spilled the beans?” “Is that what that pink duct taped thing is in Sam’s room? I wondered what that was.” Chrissy says. Looks like the mystery is solved. How do you all (You, Tom, Kevin, Bonham, Sam, Chrissy, Cassie) proceed?

I head up to Sam’s room screaming, “Samuel Kevin Keifer! You better hope your ass is sitting because once I’m done with you, you won’t have an ass to sit on!”

Cassie: I’ve never seen mom that mad. 

Tom: I have. Honey! Don’t do that! We need to talk reasonably. 

Me: I am reasonable. Unless one of my kids acts like a dick and endangers his aunt. 

Chrissy: Auntie Bons, are you gonna be ok?

Bons: Of course, I will be. But your brother won’t. I’m mad at him but I didn’t mean to sick your mom on him. 

Kevin: Jesus! I haven’t seen her this mad since that dude almost threatened to beat you up back in the day. 

I pull Sam out of his room by the ear and make him give the journal back to Bons, “Apologize to your aunt. You are grounded for six weeks. That is something we never do. Especially since people are always looking to use that information against us. Understand?”

8. You and Bonham are getting ready to film a video with NSP and as you’re coming out of makeup, Bonham’s mouth is bloody as hell, but she doesn’t seem to notice. You’re about to say something when Ninja Brian, who rarely says anything to either of you, sees her and says, “Holy crap! What happened to you?” Bonham touches her face and her hand comes away bloody, but she still seems unfazed. What does she say, how do you respond, and what does Danny say when he walks up?

Bons: Oh, it’s fake blood its part of my makeup. 

Me: Are you pulling a Mick Mars?

Danny: A what? 

9. Kevin is freshly out of rehab and Bonham and Rudy have just split. She’s been a bit of a sad sack, but one morning you’re looking for her so you can all go to rehearsal and she’s nowhere to be found. You call her three times before she answers. “Hello?” She says groggily. “Where are you? We have rehearsal in fifteen minutes,” you say. “Somewhere you won’t like.” She says. Just then, you hear a male voice in the background, “Who’s that?” “Is that Kevin? Did you sleep with him? You just split up with Rudy!” you demand. Bonham just replies with, “The best way to get over one dude is to get under another. I’ll be there in ten.” and hangs up. How do you react? What do you say when Kevin drops her off at the studio?

I’m a bit surprised by her answer but don’t say anything. When Kevin drops her off, I saunter over to his side of the car and lean into the window. I give him a smirk, “Well...you had a busy night...” Bons puts her head in her hands before saying, “Yes we know. Now can we get into rehearsal? I’ll tell you all about it at lunch ok?” 

10. Your band is doing a photo shoot for your next album and you’re all wearing swimsuits. You’re all meeting up when Linus says to Bonham, “What’s with all the bruises on your back? Is Kevin hitting you?” She flusters and doesn’t really give an answer until you go up to Kevin, who’s talking with Tom. “Did you hit Bonham?” You ask menacingly. Kevin just looks indignant and says, “No, well, yeah, but she asked me to.” “What’s that supposed to mean?” Sean asks. “She asked me to hit her when we were having sex.” Upon hearing this she says, “Way to be discreet.” How do you, Tom, Erik, Linus, and Sean respond?

Me: Oh, ok. Just don’t hit her too hard that you bruise her next time ok?

Tom: Damn, DuBrow. Did you hit her with bricks?

Erik and Linus just shake their heads at Kevin and Sean is just looking at him. 

11. You’re about to go to sleep one night when you get a call. Cassie answers the phone but soon brings it to you. “It’s uncle Kevin. Something happened but he just insisted that he talk to you.” You answer the phone and he just tells you, “It’s Bonham. We’re at St. John’s downtown. Just…get here.” You do, and leave Cassie in charge of Sam and Chrissy. When you get there, Kevin is simultaneously worried sick and livid. He says, “She was at some party with friends from college and she overdosed hardcore on coke. They don’t know if she’ll be alright yet, but she’s so in for it when she’s better. She should never have touched that stuff.” Tom gives a little snort of laughter. “That’s rich, coming from you.” “What’s that supposed to mean?” Kevin hisses. “You’re such a hypocrite, you nearly killed yourself and your ex fiancee because you were strung out on coke, and more than once. You have no right to get preachy to her because this happened.” How does Kevin respond and what do you say?

Kevin gets all silent and just glares at Tom because he knows he’s right. 

Me: While both of you are right, right now we should focus on her and making sure she’s ok. I can’t deal with breaking up a fight between you two I can barely hold it together right now. 

____________________

1) Your singer and Tom have a date night planned and you’re busy with a late night at work so Kevin is watching Cassie, Sam, and Chrissy overnight at your house. Your singer and Tom kiss the kids goodbye and your singer goes, “Are you sure you can handle them, Kevin? They’re a handful.” Kevin goes, “We’ll be fine I promise.” They leave for their date and you go to work. Once you get off work at about nine, you grab your phone to see four missed calls from Kevin. You call him back and Kevin screams into the phone, “I can’t deal with this! I can’t deal with this! I need help. Oh god, so much vomit.” Apparently, Sam and Cassie both got a stomach bug, (oddly enough baby Chrissy didn’t). How is your house when you arrive and how do you help Kevin with the two sick kids and the baby?

2) It’s the day of your and Kevin’s wedding. Your singer (who is your maid of honor) is helping you get ready when Tom knocks on the door. You only hear part of the conversation but you can tell your singer is pissed, “Seriously?! Why did he have to do this now? Help Bons get her hair done and I’ll go find him.” When Tom comes back to help you, you give him a funny look and go, “Do you know what you’re doing?” He looks at you in the mirror and says, “Who do you think does this every day?” While motioning to his hair. How do you respond? 

3) Your singer has gone off to find Kevin while Tom is helping you with your hair because apparently, Kevin got cold feet. When she finds him, she punches him in the arm before going, “You’re seriously not running out on Bons. Are you? I know you love her and she loves you and if you break her heart. I’m breaking your face.” Kevin puts his hands up and goes, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, I just had to get away for a little bit. It was too busy.” How does your singer respond and how does their conversation go?

4) Your singer has just given birth to Cassie and you’re holding her when you look to Kevin and go, “Do you want to hold her?” Kevin backs up like three feet and holds his hands up, “No. I don’t want to hurt her or drop her. I’m going to hurt her.” Tom rolls his eyes, “For god’s sake, DuBrow. She’s not a porcelain doll. As long as you’re careful you’ll be fine.” How do you, Kevin, and your singer respond? Does Kevin hold Cassie?

5) Mal, Eddie, and Randy are all turning into teenagers. Mal has just turned 17, Eddie is 15, and Randy just turned 12. One day, you, your singer, and Kevin are out in the kitchen and your singer goes, “Kevin, you have to have the talk with them.” “What?! No, I’m not having that talk with them. You have it.” “I have to do it with Roxanne. Unless you want to talk about periods.” You see Kevin’s face visibly distort in discomfort. He sighs, “Fine...” How do you and your singer respond and how does “the talk” go?

6) You and Kevin are over at your singer and Tom’s when you find an old coffee tin (the sin tin) attached to the side of the fridge. Kevin pulls it off and gives Tom and your singer a devilish grin, “You have enough in here to buy yourselves a nice steak dinner. You have been getting pretty busy.” You look at it and go, “Ok, What the fuck does “the Sin Tin” mean? BabyCarrot you’ve had one since we were roommates in college. What does it mean?” How do your singer and Tom respond to Kevin and how do the three of them respond to you?

7) You, Tom, and Kevin go with your singer down to Texas for her aunt’s funeral. Your singer’s cousin asks her to bring back her aunt’s ashes in her carry on to give to her aunt’s son. Your singer is putting them into her carry on in the hotel and Kevin is going, “Come on, why do I have to put some of your clothing in my suitcase?” Your singer responds, “I have to take Aunt Shell home.” Kevin rolls his eyes, “Will you stop calling it that? It’s a box of ashes.” Your singer stops what she’s doing and you can see the tears well up in her eyes. The next thing you know, she locks herself in the bathroom and you can hear her crying heavily. How do you, Tom, and Kevin respond? What do you do to get her out of the bathroom? 

8) You are over at your singer and Tom’s with Kevin and you’re all sitting downstairs in the basement living room. All of a sudden you hear a thud and Tom goes, “Dammit.” Your singer says, “Tom, are you alright?” “No...I think I twisted my ankle.” Your singer jumps up and goes, “What did you trip over?” “I tripped over the damn laundry rack that you insist on keeping.” How do you, your singer, and Kevin respond?

9) You and your singer are sitting in while Crue is recording girls and their manager is trying to talk to the higher-ups and they keep interrupting. (It’s at the beginning of the instrumental I sent you.) Your singer finally just screams, “Oh my god. Shut up, Christ. You three are worse than my kids.” How do you, Tommy, Nikki, and Vince respond? 

10) You have gone into labor with your and Kevin’s first kid and Kevin and your singer are in the delivery room with you. It’s not too bad yet, so you’re just playing the waiting game. Kevin is already pacing and going, “I can’t do this. I can’t do this! What happens if I mess the kid up?” Your singer goes up to Kevin and goes, “Kevin, relax. You’ll do great, I know it. You’re great with Cassie.” How do you, Tom (who’s been sitting on the couch with one-year-old Cassie), and Kevin respond?

11) Your singer calls your home phone one night and you can barely understand her through her panicking. All you get out is that she wants to talk to Kevin. You wake him up and hand him the phone. At first, he’s groggy, but then he shoots straight up in bed and says, “I’ll be there right away. You don’t have to worry, BabyCarrot. I’m here.” When you ask what’s wrong, he goes, “Sam overdosed on cocaine and Tom and BabyCarrot are a mess. I’m going down to the hospital to be with them and to talk to Sam once he wakes up.” How do you respond and how are your singer and Tom once you get to the hospital?

12) You’re on a game grumps episode when Danny and Arin pull out the game Dragon’s Lair. They have both tried and died multiple times when your singer asks if she can try. Right off the bat, she passes both of them in the game, she’s clearly played before. Arin looks at her and says, “How the fuck do you know how to play this?” Your singer responds with a determined look on her face, “Where do you think all my allowance went in the arcade? Not to Ms. Pacman.” How do you, Danny, and Arin respond? What do Danny and Arin say when your singer beats the game?

13) You are recording with Crüe and Vince goes to your singer, “Come on, girlie. You’ve got to sing SOS with me.” They both go into the booth and soon the tapes are rolling. Your singer is clearly kicking Vince’s ass at the song and is really getting into it. Once it’s over Nikki goes, “Wow, you love that song?” Your singer smirks and goes, “Yeah, but I also wanted to one-up Vince.” How do you, Vince, Tommy, Nikki, and Mick respond?

14) Your singer has been dating an old college friend since she recently broke up with Kevin. You’ve been on tour and the paparazzi have been trying to get pictures of them for a while now. One day, you three are walking along the sidewalk when a paparazzi comes out of nowhere, “Pose for a picture! Pose for a picture!” You and your singer ignore him but your singers, college friend, Mick, decks him in the face before pulling you guys along. How does the paparazzi respond and what do you and your singer say to Mick, how does he respond?

@osbournebemydaddy  your move, Bons :)