#“he's trying but you cant expect anyone to cope properly in this situation

[autistic-daydreamer]

I need some Fitz angst man

[shoezuki]

Tommy's prison/revival arc isnt well written actually

Anyways ive been wanting to talk on it a while for a bit here but havent had the Time or like. The thought to. But im gonna go off now.

First off im gonna say im ASSUMING this stream and plot of tommy being in the prison with dream is written entirely by tommy and dream. Wilbur May be involved in the latest stream but im not sure.

Bringing tommy back to life after only three days of him being dead did practically nothing to progress plot, the characters, or audience's understanding. In fact i feel that it damaged Other characters' potential and plot and already established plotlines.

The 'development' aspect

A really, really easy way to see if anything has changed or developed through an arc or plotline is to straightup just compare the 'beginning' to the 'end' in terms of the barebones situation. So;

Beginning: tommy is trapped in an isolated prison cell with dream, his own abuser who has hurt him in the past, for an unknown amount of time. He's terrified of dream and being stuck there with him.

End: tommy is trapped in an isolated prison cell with dream after being killed then revived by him, his own abuser whos hurt him in the past, for an unknown amount of time. Hes terrified of dream and being stuck there with him.

Okay. This is simplified obvious. But the point stands. ALTHOUGH the troupe of 'going back to the beginning' is common in the heroes journey its. It doesnt work here. Has tommy learned anything? Has he changed as a character? Is the severity of their situation any different? Have we, as the audience, learned anything new?

Im going to expand on that last point because i think it has the strongest potential argument. Technically for progression in literature and development of plot/characters, things can Change without them being Aware as characters. It can change just by the audience's perception changing or being challenge.

Slight example: i've been reading a webcomic called Your Throne. Its a fantasy/political drama about a noble lady who entered a competition with another noble lady to become the empress. The main lady lost despite her being a better fit, and the comic starts with the main lady trying to assassinate the empress. Its assumed and stated by the main lady that she 'ruined her life' and so thats all the readers know. However, later in the novel we see flashbacks to the competition itself and find that the two ladies were extremely close friends, neither wanting anything bad for the other, but it was the emperor himself who manipulated both of them for his own agenda. Those flashbacks gave us an entirely different idea of who the real antagonist is and completely changed the two main ladies' relationship. THAT is how the audience's understanding of the plot and novel can be used to change the entire story. We dont get such here though

Some things that were brought to light during tommy being dead/revived:

Dream is capable of reviving people infinitely

This was already implicated and assumed. The book dream has being a means of reviving people has been around Technically since schlatt's death. This just 'confirmed' what was known

Time works differently/feels longer in the afterlife

This doesnt really impact much beyond emotions and implications. If we had more insight into what the 'afterlife' is like beyond nothingness perhaps so. But really it just makes it so wilbur being dead for what feels like 9 years and tommy having been dead for 2 months appeal to emotions.

Wilbur is evil

This one fuckin sucks i cant lie HSKSHSISSGEGDV. Like i was gon go on bout it and i will but it jus sucks. We have nothing to go on besides tommy's word, no examlles of what Horrible things wilbur said could make tommy assume this, etcetc. Ill most likely make a seperate post on how this feels like we're just going to get 'wilbur is a horrible villain' type with him. But still. I feel wilbur Not Being Good isnt a new development.

Dream is going to revive wilbur

This doesnt feel new either, part because phil had wanted to revive wilbur before (ill get to that more later) and that tommy had kept dream alive/initially imprisoned him with the idea of him reviving wilbur.

Dream believes wilbur will break him out of prison

Okau this makes no sense to me actually. I cwnt understand How exactly wilbur would be able to do this? Or why dream believes he even Could? Mans been dead for like 9 years and all we Know of the afterlife is that its black... nothingness. How would 9 years of that make wilbur capable of busting the prison open?

So. Yeah. All in all this plotline hasnt done anything new, developed things, or altered people's perceptions. We just ended up back at square one. Back to tommy being traumatized, dream being 'evil' and horrible and doing villain monologues, and them being stuck together.

Other characters and plotlines

Im pretty damn sure tommy's revival fucked up a LOT of other characters' plotlines and potential development. Honestly i feel this has a lot to do with the writers not communicating with other ccs well enough. But Ill talk about specific characters from least to most fucked over in my opinion:

Sam

He's the best off. He hqd been there during tommy's death, had been close to tommy, had majorly blamed himself and his own mistakes for tommy's death. His grief and self hatred was actually really heartbreaking and well done. The attached character of Sam Nook being unaware of tommy's death and simply waiting for tommy to return was a really good parallel to sam's own grief and anger. like it really snapped sam the guy who cares for tommy and wants to do Right by him back together with him as the Warden of the prison. Mixed personal life with 'just business'.

I feel it wouldve been nice to have him like. Have more time to grieve properly and come to terms eith tommy's death and his own involvement/influence over the events. Him finding tommy alive again Could be a means of him like. Facing his own grief head on if done well.

Ranboo

Mostly in the context of him and sam's argument do i feel it got screwed over. The weight of them yelling at each other and trying to find who to blame and the implications that Maybe ranboo was the one who caused the security breach that closed down the prison on tommy just.... doesnt hit so hard anymore. Because how can there be blame and arguments and a 'who done it' mystery when tommy popped up all fine again?

Puffy

I dony know much of her involvement or how she found out tommy died (besides metagaming shhhhh) but i saw her monologuing of how they 'failed' tommy and like. Her whole 'he was so young we the Adults failed him' spiel is like........... inconsequential? Now??? Like no dont worry he died but hes alright now.

Philza

BET YOU DIDNY EXPECT TO SEE THIS FUCKER!!!!!! But actually though i want to talk bout how this ties into phil. A LOT. for Zalbr ❤. But also because i see ppl tying phil to tommy's death n like nah shutup u doin it wrong. Ill go off more in a Wilbur Post. But essentially: i dont like that dream is now going to revive wilbur. I feel they arent going to tie philza into this Despite phil having originally been trying to revive his son and studying on it and Attempting and Failing. But now suddenly dream can just. Say some magic words and Poof wilbur lives? So we're just going to Kill philza's revival attempts plotline and leave that hanging? This made his efforts seem pointless and Wack like oh why didnt you just Say The Magic Words phil????

Niki

I feel really bad for niki. She hasnt been able to do a lore stream during tommy's 'death' (she tweeted she wanted to but her computer wasnt working) and considering her entire character.... that shit is important. We seen it with Jack Manifold how tommy's death impacted Him considering he literally wanted tommy dead. And since niki is in a similar boat to jack of trying to kill tommy and it being her Only goal...... thats extremely important.

BUT. i feel there wasnt any communication. Did she or anyone even know tommy would be revived? Did no one consider they could At Least let her do a single stream on it? Like jack manifold????

We couldve gotten a Really good niki lore stream. I genuinely was so excited for it and i dont regularly watch her. But we seen it with jack manifold which is why i dont feel he got screwed because mans genuinely did So Good he could pop off with anything n i think it works in His favour. But now........ for niki. Canonically she never even knew tommy was Dead. So its like nothing even happened for her. Is she just supposed to continue on trying to kill tommy with no progression?

What i think would work

This is more me being like 'hey @ the dsmp writers let me in' type speculation sbosegussgs. But i was thinkin on a Really easy way to 'fix' this without rewriting lore and the streams.

Dream should kill tommy again now that he's been revived and Leave Him Dead.

More development for the characters who are affected by his death Especially niki. More time for grief and self reflection and development

A chance for the audience to figure out what the 'afterlife' really is.

Dream is supposed to be smart and a master manipulator or something right? Why doesnt he use being able to revive tommy as a bargaining chip with sam for his own freedom?

The audience would now Know dream's intentions with tommy better, that this death isnt 'final', but we could still see other characters' grief and reactions and coping without it feeling cheap. Ive seen some 'but people dont know tommy is alive so hes still dead in their mind' but that sucks imo.

We'd know more on dream's ability to revive people and that he can just Do It on a whim (which i think sucks but hey im trying) but no one else would know this canonically

Okay. Im done. If you read this. Thankyou. I love you. Hmu.

[fairycosmos]

+ i have a job interview tomorrow and i just cant go. its a rlly good job but i just cant. idk why. maybe its my anxiety or me sabotaging myself again. i know my mom will think im a failure. but i just want to keep studying. i want to keep trying. it just feels more important. i want to want be alive before anything else. do you think im lazy?? iknow you'll never anwser this but should i go anway? is it awful that i never had a job? i just feel like a bum. idk sorry for putting this on u.

hey. no, i dont think you’re lazy at all. quite the opposite. i admire you a lot for caring so much about your studies, for wanting to make something of yourself and for continuing to try your best even though you’re going through such a difficult time at the moment. that’s a lot easier said than done, and yet you’re still managing it, which is really fucking cool. you should be proud. and listen, i’m 18 as well, and i’ve never had a job either. it’s super, super common. it’s not like it’s easy to get a job these days, especially while you’re still studying. and just cause you’re older now doesn’t mean you’re singularly responsible for the financial situation of your family. it’s not just down to you to make money, and that’s not your sole purpose in life. also, you’re definitely accomplishing more than i am, seriously. i know the world kind of pushes the idea that you’re only worth something if you’re constantly being used, if you’re constantly providing money or results or good grades. but that’s genuinely not true. it takes years and years to come to terms with the fact that it’s not true, but it’s not. honestly, how ‘well’ you perform from a capitalistic standpoint doesn’t reflect who you are as a person. how you treat others, how you choose to experience life, your interests and your hobbies - those all say more about you than whether or not you have a job. i know you’re not going to believe me, but you being here is good enough. your presence is the most important thing.  it probably feels like i’m lying, and it will for a long time, but if you start letting that idea into your mind, you’ll begin to accept it eventually. 

your parents clearly have fucked up priorities. and i’m sorry. because you deserve so much better than that. having a bad relationship with them will always be shitty, and you’re totally allowed to feel whatever you need to feel about it. anger, sadness, bitterness, fear, guilt. process it all one day at a time. as long as you try to cope with those emotions in a healthy way (letting yourself cry, talking about it, writing about it, practicing self affirmations), then you’re doing fine. but at the same time, there comes a point where you have to realize that your family have no idea what the fuck they’re talking about. they really, really dont. if they only want to acknowledge you when you’re in a top school or when you have a great fucking job, then they dont deserve you at all. they wont even give you a chance to find your balance. seriously. they wont even cut you any slack. you owe them nothing but respect and since they dont respect you, you dont even owe them that. i dont know how else to put it but i cant stress it enough, they’re awful for making you feel so bad for no reason. i know exactly how you feel. and it’s just. like there’s no point in constantly overexerting yourself for the approval of people that are NEVER going to be satisfied. how they feel about you isn’t actually about you. it’s about them, and their own fucked up mindsets. you are not alive to serve them. you are not alive to be exactly who they want you to be, you know? this is YOUR life, not theirs. and it’s the only one you’re ever going to get. so if you have to make a few choices that disappoint them, then so be it. they’ll either get over it or fuck off, and either way you’ll be better off. it’s ok to start making choices for yourself, man. and it may take some time before you work up the courage to do so, but that’s alright too. it’s all a learning process. 

it seems like your anxiety/depression is the real crux of all of this, though. it’s really worrying, what you said in your other ask. my heart dropped reading it. if you dont confront that issue then you wont like it anywhere, because you wont like being yourself. whether you get a great job, or make a shit ton of money, or continue to study. whatever path you take, you’ll only be truly comfortable if you make your mental health a priority. you have to take it seriously. it’s okay to put yourself first, before the people around you, before school and work. because struggling with a mental illness is one of the most difficult things in the world. and you dont have to beg anyone to understand that. are you currently on any medication, or seeing a therapist or some sort of counselor? if you are, is it possible for you to ask for additional support? and if you haven’t spoken to anyone, is than an option for you? even if you just begin by talking to your usual doctor, to see if he/she can refer you to someone? if you’re worried about money, there are low cost/free options, too. it’s just that, suicidal thoughts are not something you just have to ‘put up with.’ and they’re certainly not something you have to deal with alone. others have been exactly where you are, others understand more than you realize. you dont have to hurt yourself outwardly to show that you’re hurting inwardly, alright? if you believe anything i say, believe that. your life is so precious and rare and significant, man. and where you’re at right now truly isn’t where you’re always going to be. you’re not trapped, you have a choice to make. making the conscious effort to seek help, to admit that you need some guidance, will make a massive difference in your perception of everything. if you work closely with a professional, then you’ll be able to create a care plan for yourself, you’ll be able to learn how to incorporate healthy coping mechanisms into your life, you’ll be able to find the root causes of why you feel the way you do. you’ll be able to talk openly about your family, and the way they make you feel, and your worries about the future. all of that will make the pain manageable. there is treatment available. it wont be an instant improvement, but reaching out is a wonderful place to start. your mental health is just as important as your physical health. and of course, there will always be a part of your mind that tries to talk you out of it. there’ll always be that moment of anxiety/fear, when you dont know what you’re doing. but you need to try to look past that, and to have a bit of empathy for your future self. temporary feelings should never stop you from getting the care that you need. so even if you just begin by calling a hotline to see what they think you should do next, then that’s still something to be v proud of.

i know it’s hard. i get it. i understand more than i can put into words. and i know that asking for help is a massive step. i’m not saying you have to make any big decisions right now. i’m just asking you to consider it, consider yourself for once in your life. i know there are days where you feel like living like this isn’t worth it at all. you dont want to live like this anymore, right? and you dont have to, but killing yourself wont solve anything. it’s ok to feel like giving up sometimes. as long as you know the difference between having a thought, and actually acting on it. you dont have to lean into the pain, you can just let it wash over you. your mental illnesses and your family and all of the bullshit is stopping you from seeing how wonderful and worthy you are, how much life still has to offer you. there’s so much you haven’t experienced. there is so much happiness waiting in the future. it won’t be constant, but it’ll become a theme in your life. you have all of the time in the world to figure things out. this is the exact age that you’re supposed to be confused and lost, and to not know what to do. you don’t have to have everything worked out right now. you’re doing so much better than you think you are, i promise. the only thing you have to worry about is taking care of yourself. that’s the only thing that’s truly in your control. you can create a better environment for yourself. you can create a life that you dont want to escape from, and that’s what you truly need. not to die but to re-envision your own existence. it’s healthy to do that from time to time. 

as a sidenote, it’s completely up to you whether or not you go to the job interview. there’s no pressure, there’s no wrong answer. but i just hope you know it’s okay to take things at your own pace, regardless of what your dumb ass family has to say. i think the smartest move for you to make is to put all of your energy into reaching out for help. continue to study, just put it on the back burner for now. continue to look for a job (tho i think smth part time is realistically a better option for you), but dont put all of your self worth into it. more than anything, this is a transitional period in your life. it’s the stepping stone between here and there. uncertainty is to be expected, anxiety is to be expected, but that doesn’t mean you have to handle it all on your own. i believe with all of my heart that you’re going to be okay. you said ‘i want to be alive before anything else.’ you should always hold onto that. you’re so fucking capable, and you’re so much stronger than you realize, dude. i’m not bullshitting. i’m being straight up. keep taking it one day at a time. if that feels like too much, one hour at a time. even getting through one minute at a time is something to celebrate. look at the next 24 hours of your life, and see what you can do in that time to help yourself - fuck everything else. i’m always here if you need a friend, or if you want to talk about this properly. i’m sorry i couldn’t be of more help. if you ever need anyone, hmu. if you think you’re going to do something, hmu. and please stick around. you’re not going to regret it.

http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines

[batmax66]

A dark comedy/drama with with strange complicated characters about a woman who is who is court ordered to go to AA meetings.

It is written in the first person. I imagine actress Natasha Henstridge as a protagonist in a lead role. 

I got a DUI ecently and have been ordered to go to 35 AA meetings. I'm not a heavy drinker at all--I never keep alcohol at my house, I never drink by myself, it's almost never liquor (mostly wine), and it's usually just for special occasions. Long story short, I was celebrating one last night with my best friend before she moved away. I ended up driving us home, got pulled over for a head light being out, and the cop guessed correctly that we had been drinking. So now I am required to attend 35 AA meetings. I've been to 11 already. It is all female group. It is on my work to home route.I am just stopping there on my way home from work. I feel like an absolute useless, worthless, colossal failure. I am feeling so sad. I am a weak spineless person. I am truly lost. This is so upsetting to me I don't think I can discuss this verbally with anyone without bursting into tears. I am a 42year old woman what is wrong with me? My husband and I have been married for 17 years and have a 15year old daughter! I am 5ft10 tall heterosexual curvy attractive blonde. I have a rather large breasts(34f bra size) and i do have a big butt. I don't intend to dress in any particular 'way' for anyone. I just wear what I like. I don't 'ask' for anything. I don't ask to be groped. I wear clothes that fit me properly. Most of my outfit are satin pant and skirt suits satin coats and satin and silk blouses.I am always on high heels and full make up on. If you are curvy, tall and busty, many clothes tend to look sexier on you than on a thin person. So things that fit properly that are relatively conservative can be suddenly too revealing and sexy when you put it on. This happens to me a lot.I wear almost always my satin and silk blouses fully buttoned to the top combined with a satin skirt or satin pants. I don't wear anything vulgar but because of my body type anything i wear looks tight on me. Being tall and curvy draws attention on its own. This can be both positive and negative. I tower over plenty of men and women. I was sexualised from a very early age, and shamed for the way my body looks - something I have no control over. I can't help how wide my hips grow or how big my breasts get. My mother used to shame me for the way my body looked. If I wanted to wear a skirt or dress, she always discouraged it, she always thought my skirt was 'too short' or 'too tight', or there was something wrong with my dress-sense. There's always guys flirting or asking me for my number. When i go out in public guys start talking to me and subtlety try to ask me out. I mention i have a husband but some of them wont go away. I have trouble being mean so i cant get them to leave me alone. I end up getting stressed by it. The irony is that all this time I've been afraid of men, perceiving any touch as a sexual advance that I should fear - when really, it was a short,skinny old women I should have feared. My story just seems so implausible that I feel I won't be believe. After the first meeting i walked up to this woman who is in charge (chair person) to sign my paper "card". She is a 55year old skinny really short like 5ft3 wrinkled face thin lips green eyes grayhaired masculine woman. She said to me "Wow! Your breasts are large!" She asked if she could touch my breasts. I was like, No! Then I said, alright. Then I get a hand extended so I am like okay here it goes and she was not shy about just full palm feeling all around and getting a real grab! I think she was a little shy to ask and was surprised when I agreed. LOL! It was no big deal for me. She commented on how soft they feel. I thought that was fine, but then from the next meeting this woman chair person started touching and squeezing my breasts and slapping and rubbing my ass , in a joking/playful way in front of other women AA group members. Since this woman chair person was so openly touching my breasts, this other short like 5ft2 skinny freckled face creepy green eyes thin lips red haired masculine 53 year old woman AA group member started doing the same. On my 4th AA meeting this short skinny ugly ginger woman walked up to me reached with her both hands and gave my breasts what I can only describe as a jiggle-squish. In the moment, I found myself laughing it off. Since then this ginger woman is OBSESSED with my boobs so much that on every meeting .. she just cups and squeeze them over.. and over.. and over. It is actually REALLY annoying. I kid you not, I have been groped, jiggled and, just about in every way imaginable, had my breasts handled by this woman. She says that she just needs to "cop a feel". Also she randomly grabs and slaps my butt. She is always hugging me around my waist.Sometimes several hugs in a row.She also always place her hand on my ass when i stand beside her. Also because she is really short and i am tall always when she is hugging me she is pressing her face on my breasts and she is coping a feel of my butt. This woman chair person is always placing her hands on my breasts while facing me talking about AA. During the meetings she always comes behind me while i am sitting and rubs my shoulders and back. I always laugh uncomfortably and try to be as dismissive of the situation as possible when these short skinny women chair person and ginger are touching me. I think the reason why this reaction might be so prevalent is that i shy away from asserting myself, even when it comes to defending myself against such action, because i am wary of being labeled as a shrew, a bitch or a upper middle class snob. So i try to be polite and as unaggressive as possible. I laugh, to prove that i am easy going, and i apologize or refrain from demanding an apology and make excuses to show that i am graceful. Also me being spineless is due to my intense fear of conflict with this short skinny old woman chair person since she signs my paper. I just automatically want to do everything possible to keep conflict down with these two women at AA and I always sacrifice my dignity for it. I tell myself that "next time" I will say NO to them. Always "next time" but next time never comes. Are these women sexually abusing me? Thet seem harmless to me because I am physically stronger than them i am 5ft10 tall well built well endowed and curvy.They are both short like 5ft2/5ft3 tall skinny.I am always on high heels they are always in flat shoes.Standing next to me they look like midgets. I am 100% straight.I've never had any desire to do anything sexual with a female. In all honest just thinking about possibly kissing a female makes me cringe. You know what though? I am tired of laughing it off. I am considered by most of other women AA group members to be very serious, arrogant, and stuck up.One woman group member has described me as a snob on about half a dozen occasions for the past 11 meetings . I still don't really know why. I know on one of those occasions it was because I turned down the offer to go to a coffee with her after the meeting. How not wanting to go somewhere makes me a snob, I don't know. Also this woman group member is always commenting on my clothing saying that i am always overdressed in satin and silk. Most of my outfit are satin pant and skirt suits satin coats and satin and silk blouses.I am always on high heels and full make up on.Being tall and curvy draws attention on its own. This can be both positive and negative. I tower over plenty of men and women. Alot of people ( females in general) pre-dislike me, unto they get to know me and find out that I'm a not stuck on myself at all.I'm the kind of person that only speaks if I have something to say and I keep my business to myself. Also most of other women group members think that i am stuck up and arrogant upper middle class snob. I feel like these women don't really like me. they are all in their 40s and 50s. The whole time I'm there I feel like I'm being disrespectful and rude because I didn't choose to be there. I'm not actively looking for help, although I have the utmost respect for people who realize there is a problem and are fixing it. Yesterday I complained to my caseworker probation officer about the situation with this woman chair person but she(my caseworker) got really mad and started yelling at me. Her exact words were "You arrogant snob. Are you feel there is inappropriate touching going on here? Or is this an opportunity to tell me how glamorous, sexy, well dressed, desirable and basically how hot you are and how you feel uncomfortable "slumming" with women how aren't as sophisticated,rich, gorgeous and worldly as you? Ego and arrogance at its best.What do you expect with your huge boobs your big ass your flashy clothes?" I don't know what to do? I am tired of laughing it off AND I am tired of apologizing, as if it is my fault that these two women chair person and ginger can't control themselves. The point is, it is not okay to violate anyone's privacy especially in such a physical way regardless of the circumstances. It is not okay to makes someone doubt themselves because of your own lack of propriety. (I do begin to question myself from time to time. Is there something about me that makes them think this behavior is ok? Is it something about my face? Do I give off "grope me" vibes to these two weird women?). I am not sure if it is because they think that because it is female on female that that somehow makes it okay. I don't know? But, let me say this, just because you are a woman does not make it okay for you to say hello that way. I am so consumed with guilt.I didn't tell my husband about this.I was to ashamed.Also I can't talk to my husband about this because he is extremely jealous and possessive.He is going to blame me. i need to get through this. I only have 24 more meetings to go. I mean what's the worst that could happen? What am I supposed to do? Also these two weird old women (chair person and ginger) don't look threatening. They are both creepy and ugly but they are tiny,short and skinny women in their 50s. I can't just punch them in the face.I am physically stronger than them,they are short and skinny ,but i have never been in a fight my whole life.I am afraid of any kind of physical altercation. I can drive with an ignition interlock device. I have to keep the ignition interlock for a total of 12 months. The device cost less than 200 dollars to have installed. The monthly cost is 65 dollars and it cost 20 dollars per month to have it recalibrated. I am responsible for returning the old device each month which costs 3 dollars. But, at least i can legally drive, and for that, i am grateful. All in all, its really not that bad. Within my region this is the only all female AA group. It is on my work to home route.I am just stopping there on my way home from work. I don't want to go to mixed gender meetings because of my husband. He is extremely jealous. The ginger is worse than the chair person. Chair person randomly places her hands on my breasts and rubs them and slaps and grabs my ass usually after the meetings before she sings my paper. But the ginger has her hands all over me all the time. She is CONSTANTLY wanting to touch my breasts. When she gives me hugs she tries to bury her head into them. She will just randomly grab them. If im just standing there, and she'll walk by me and take a swipe at my butt. When I bend down within ten yards of her, she is right there, smacking or rubbing my butt. If I just stand there, she would stay there for a long time just feeling my breasts and squishing them or whatever. Also she will just full on grab my butt. The ginger says that because her face is at level with my breasts and I am rather large she finds touching, squeezing, rubbing, and patting them and resting her head on them comforting. She said that she finds great comfort doing this when she is stressed. It is all my fault. She thinks that my breasts are a readily-available source of comfort for her. She'll just grab them or lift them up when she's trying to be funny.Also she is CONSTANTLY slapping and rubbing my butt.She tells me that she is just showing appreciation for my curves. Also I think she is always grabbing, slapping and rubbing my ass to show dominance over me. It is so annoying. She acts like its all a big joke, laughs, etc. I make it clear I don't like it, but she acts like that's part of the joke, too. This woman the ginger considers herself "super-smart". She makes snide remarks to me for no specific reason.I have seen the ginger laughing with some malice at me, behind my back, when I ask questions that seem silly to her. She is very sarcastic. The other day she said to my face while squeezing my breasts that i am a stuck up overdressed cow and that my problem is that i feel i am from a higher class than other women AA members.She also will kind of...hold me from behind with her hands on my breasts very tightly in a way that I can't move, even when I'm trying to get away from her. I've tried a few methods, from laughing about it to being serious, but I've concluded that you can't deal with this kind of person.The ginger is always commenting that i am so tall big and soft. I am quiet and afraid, I let her touch all over my body and speak about me as if I am not there, as if she is appreciating a piece of artwork in a gallery. 'Your breasts are so big and round.....wow...", "Oh my god how sexy." "You're so sexy". She speaks about me in a really pervy, disgusting way. She would switch between 'admiring' my body and then telling me that I am an arrogant stupid overdressed stuck up upper middle class snob. The chair person is more friendly than the ginger. She frequently invites me to have lunch or join her for feminist workshop . She texts me at random times to ask if she can drop by to say hello. But she rubs and strokes my breasts and rubs my ass talking about random stuff regularly. Although not as much as the ginger. Also she often hold hands with me when we are leaving walking to our cars. These two old short skinny creepy ugly women(ginger and chair person) are taking advantage of me, and i am afraid that they will just go even further. I try not to make a fuss over it. Okay, so at first I thought it was just a little phase they were going through and could laugh about it. Now, I am becoming so frustrated with them. I know other women in my group probably laugh at me behind my back because of this situation with these two women(chair person and ginger). One woman said to me that I make stupid faces while these two women chair person and ginger are groping me and touching me. She also said that it is bizarre that standing next to these women chair person and ginger I look like a giant and I let them get by with it. I just laughed and replied to this woman that we just have a weird bond like that. Other women in my AA group think that I am okay with it. I am towering over other women in my group. I just feel like such a failure. I feel like I am trapped in this situation and I don't know how to change it. I just feel hopeless. Why do I let this woman walk all over me? This has been eating at me. I feel like a failure. Should I feel ashamed of myself? I've never been in a fight. I was sucker punched one time in high school by a friend who incorrectly assumed I was talking crap about her but I was with a group of girl friends and chose not to fight back so I told her "let's handle it after school" but we were both pulled in to the office shortly afterwards and she was suspended. Nothing happened to me.I know that many women have to deal with worse, and I should "man up", but I am an extremely non-confrontational person, and I usually prefer to endure something uncomfortable than draw attention or displease the other person. I am tired of laughing it off. The fact that i keep on laughing it off and not confronting these two touchy feely women(chair person and ginger) is probably not helping the problem. They probably feel like its now "ok" to do because their behavior has been "allowed" by me for multiple meetings without repercussion. Usually when these short, skinny, ugly, women ginger and chair person who shouldn't be touching me try to I just kinda let them do the groping touching, rubbing and hugging, but I basically just sit/stand pretty stiffly. I am 5ft10 tall well built well endowed and curvy.They are like 5ft3 tall skinny.I am always on high heels they are always in sneakers.Standing next to me they look like midgets but they are not intimidated by me.Why? This is getting worse. Why would I scream my head off if a man did it but I can't verbalize a succinct NO to these short skinny old women (chair person and ginger)? I just don't know how to go about it. Should I tell my husband? I want to tell him but I am afraid that he might get mad at me or something. He is controlling and very jealous. I need someone to talk to.I just want someone to talk to. I don't really know who.I understand that I am being a wimp. .  4 years ago I had an affair on my husband which I regret terribly.It has been a difficult journey for my husband,he can't seem to forgive me. My husband looses it at times and says some really crappy things about me in front of our daughter and I am afraid of what she may think of me.I don't want this to ruin her future,which I feel could. I try to remain calm with my husband and answer all his pesky questions that he has about my affair but eventually I get irratated and loose it.He will begin to call me names (horrible I might add).Which eventually makes me sick to think I even told him about the affair.My husband and I where going through some sex issues at the time. I'm not making excuses just giving a bit of insight into what lead me into this affair. This other man can't compare to my husband as far as having character (just because I fell prey to this situation doesn't mean I've lost my ability to recognize character and integrity - I realized I've comprised mine BIG time). My husband is a WONDERFUL man that any woman would LOVE to have...After all these years I STILL don't have anything negative to say about him. I just made an extremely poor decision (not a mistake - I own my dirt completely). The affair has been done and over and I think my husband has had enough time to stop talking about it to me atleast. It's almost like he is hearing it from the very first day all over again.He is soooo angry still,I can't understand it. I regret the affair terribly,but I can't change what has happened. I am a straight woman, i love men, simple! I am straight and I am completely 100 percent straight. I have never been attracted to a woman sexually. I am STRICTLY hetero.Even the thought of eating out a vagina makes me gag. I've never had any desire to do anything sexual with a female. Within my region this is the only all female AA group. It is on my work to home route.I am just stopping there on my way home from work. I don't want to go to mixed gender meetings because of my husband. He is extremely jealous. I don't wear anything vulgar but because of my body type anything i wear looks tight on me. I'm confident that I look good in my clothes my style is "sexy but classy" I don't believe I have ever offended or embarrased myself or anyone with my wardrobe.I am a very classy woman and i would never dress in a cheap trashy way. I have noticed, that at times I apologize for the size of my boobs. Some people might think that I am purposefully being provocative or displaying my cleavage, but that is hardly the case. Logistically, unless I wear a turtle neck, most blouses that I wear still show cleavage; it is inevitable. There are dresses that I can never wear because, while on someone with smaller breasts it would look ok, on me it looks vulgar. This issue of vulgarity isn’t something that I would have necessarily impressed upon myself, but rather the reaction that I get from people. How dare I show a glimpse of breast that isn’t darkened by the sun! I should pull my shirt up because I am about to have a nip-slip, even though my nips are firmly encased in my bra. I would love to wear strappy dresses with little triangle cups! I would love to wear certain shirts and blouses without something underneath for the sake of modesty (well, someone else’s idea of modesty not necessarily my own). The truth is I regulate a lot of what I wear so that people won’t take it as an invitation to touch, stare, or speak to or about my breasts. Yes these women AA group members think I am arrogant or a snob but I do not have good people skills .Although I'd prefer that they think I'm arrogant to thinking that I'm afraid. I am uncomfortable in social settings and it takes me a while to feel comfortable around other people. I've been asked soooo many times 'why are you so serious' when I'm not feeling serious at that moment. I unintentionally tend to give off an unfriendly aura which has led people to ask if I dislike them. When I feel nervous I try to compensate by being really confident. I guess other people take that as me being arrogant. I've been told I come across as stuck up/snobby full of myself, narcissistic, stuck up etc., and also very unwelcoming to new people. Technically the second part is true as new people terrify me, but the first bit is very untrue.And the truth is, i just can't talk to everyone... not that i don't want to. I just need time to open myself to people. To relax and open up. I hate that I come off like that. When I do speak with people, I tend to be overly nice to compensate and I guess that comes off as fake which definitely doesn't help the situation. People around me (except for the ones who truly know me) have always said that I come across as snobby, stuck on myself, and unfriendly. The truth is, I'm just really shy and insecure when it comes to socializing with people. I do have several close friends, but it bugs me that A LOT of people think I'm a snob when that couldn't be further from the truth. I have been told that I seem snobby and it is because I don't speak up in groups where I am not comfortable. I have had people ask me if I thought I was better than others. This explains why I am having such a difficult time with this situation with these two touchy feely "friendly" women (chair person and ginger). I thought I was doing a good job at appearing pleasant and likable. Even when I talk to other women AA group members I try to watch my tone of voice and sound cheerful. I am known as the biggest snob at work. Everyone always gets that first impression of me, and many keep that impression. The vast majority of people think I'm a "snob" or a upper middle class overdressed arrogant bitch I know since the friends I've had over the years told me that after some time. People simply assume I must be a snob because I'm quiet. That doesn't even seem logical to me, but when being quiet is something that simply wouldn't occur to most people perhaps that's the next most logical conclusion. I really want to yell at these two creepy short skinny women chair person and ginger to get their goddamn hands off my body. But I can’t get angry. I just can’t. Not in the moment–I shut down like a security camera with a miswired motion detector, and it’s only later that I realize what I should have done. By then, it’s too late to confront them, and it’s turned into a pattern and what am I supposed to do then? The whole time I'm at the AA meetings I feel like I'm being disrespectful and rude because I didn't choose to be there. I'm not actively looking for help, although I have the utmost respect for these women group members who realize there is a problem and are fixing it. My husband blame me for everything. Anytime, I mean ANYTIME something goes wrong I am the one to blame. It feel like I have a sigh attached to my forehead that says --> BLAME ME HERE! If something goes wrong with the finances, guess what? Its my fault..same goes for everything. I'm so tired of being the blame for everything. He thinks I'll give him a heart attack and I barely even argue or fight with him anymore. Whenever we talk all he does is lecture me and barely lets me talk, and when I do talk he twists my words and makes me sound bad and evil so I just listen [which is getting harder to do] and let him finish his lecture than we're done talking without getting anywhere, than we ignore each other for the next couple of days and he waits for me to "show" that I care and come to him. That is why i decided to try tolerating touching,rubbing and groping by these two women at AA. I don't want him to found out of that situation. He is going to blame me. Sometimes I feel really manipulated by my husband. But this situation with these two short skinny weird women chair person and ginger at AA is only seeming to get worse. Today at the meeting their hands were all over my body. I have been married for 17 years and we have had a pretty rough marriage,lots of different problems that were not easy at all for me. My husband says"fuck you" to me. He has said this to me many times over our 17 yr marriage when he is frustrated with me or when we are in an argument. Each time I tell him that it is wrong to say that, it hurts me, and that I never swear at him. It hurts me so much that most times I cry myself to sleep. He very rarely apologizes for saying it. He's also demeaning and demanding, and has deliberately forgot important dates (birthday, anniversary, valentines day). The problem that I have is that I feel that I can not communicate with him about anything without him getting defensive or mad at me. He doesn't speak to anyone else this way. Of course, if I agree with him about everything and just do everything that he asks then he's happy and everything is ok. Please tell me am I overreacting?I am like paralyzed and numb while these two creepy ugly old short women are touching me and groping me.I am just sitting and standing there kind of awkwardly letting it happen. Even i am unable to speak coherently.I am going “ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm” ” errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrr” for ages and ages while they are rubbing me and groping me. I feel so foolish and used by these two weird women. I am 5ft10 foot tall and being well endowed well built and curvy always on high heels makes me HUGE! The other day I was in a mall with my daughter and this little boy pointed at me and said something like: "Gush mom, look at her, she is giant!!!" If I am in a crowded room, I am a head above 95% of the people. I have been told that i look stuck up and arrogant.I have had the experience of women being jealous of me.I like satin and silk clothes and I wear them well.I should not have to suffer for what I like because other women have low self esteem and don’t see the gifts they have within themselves.I have a more stylish sense of fashion. I never wear anything trashy, I keep myself well covered and strive for professionalism and class. I always like to dress on my best, because I also feel great when I’m dressed pretty. Once, i’d been to the hairdressers and was off to do a little shopping afterwards and the girl at the salon asked where i was going looking so glamorous – i said i was going shopping and she was like “really? You look so glammed up to be going shopping!” I don’t mind though, i’d rather be wearing something i feel good in than look like i just rolled out of bed.I wear high heels every day too.All the time. I like dressing well, and looking presentable. 

[fairycosmos]

IMPORTANT deleted and remade tumblr and in that time I really missed you and your blog like I’ve been sending you ask and you’ve been such an angel that for awhile this became my safe space 💕 Anyway I’ve started to talking to a friend for awhile and my dilemma is that they were worked up bc they were going to jail the next day and I never really told them how abusive home is. I’m okay but I just feel really guilty and idk their out now or smthn but I just don’t know how to reach out 😖

hey my love!! are you able to reach out to them on any form of social media? or maybe ask a mutual friend for their phone number if that’s possible? i feel like something in that vain that would be your easiest option. it’s low key, doesn’t put too much pressure on anyone, causal etc. i know it’s tough to reignite an old relationship, and it’s way easier said than done, but it seems like your friend could probably use some company right now, anyway. readjusting to life when you get out of jail is fucking hard, so rekindling an old connection might be just what he/she needs. this could be a really wonderful thing for the both of you. a simple “hey, how have you been doing?” is a good place to start, it doesn’t have to be a big deal. then if they’re cooperative, once you open up into a deeper conversation, you can tell them how you’ve been feeling and get it all off your chest. i’m sure they’ll appreciate the honesty. look, it’s ok for it to be a bit awkward or tension filled at first, but you’ll get back into the rhythm of the friendship before long - adapting is inevitable. it won’t always be uncomfortable. all it takes is one of you to make the active choice to reach out. the fact that you feel the need to is a sign that it’s meant to happen. also i totally understand feeling guilty for not being totally honest with someone you care about, and it’s alright to process guilt if that’s what you’re naturally feeling, as long as you try to cope with it in a healthy way. but at the same time always remember that who you talk to about being abused is completely your choice, and you dont owe that information to anybody. you haven’t done anything wrong. there’s no shame on your shoulders, even if you wish you had done things differently. when it comes down to it, you can find some closure by quite literally making the decision to seek it. i feel like this is such an obvious answer lol and i apologize for that, i wish there was something i could actually do for you, but if you intuitively want to talk to them, just do it. your anxiety will try to trick you into thinking it’s going to end badly, but that’s super unlikely when you look at things objectively. feeling weird about it is to be expected. your worries are manipulating you cause you’re scared. but it’s ok to be scared, it’s normal. you can work through it and still do what you need to do to be happy/content. you’re stronger than you think you are !! 

+ are you still in an abusive home or were you able to get to a safe environment? i’m really hoping it’s the latter. if not, please always keep in mind that there are many resources and ways to get yourself out of danger. whether it’s through school or legal protection or health and safety services in your community - you don’t have to stay silent about being mistreated and you don’t have to go through it alone. support is available in so many different forms, it wont be as scary as you’re expecting it to be. and your brain will probably try and try and try to convince you to stay quiet but what you actually do is up to YOU, not your insecurities/fear. even if you just consider the idea of reaching out, then that’s something to be proud of. i understand that it’s not black and white, and i’m sure you’re in a very complex situation, but even picking up the phone and calling a hotline to see what your options are could help you out a lot. there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be safe and secure, and you deserve to be. even if you dont feel like you do, you do. please try to consciously appreciate and love yourself enough to protect yourself. even in the smallest of ways, even if you feel stupid doing so.

also you’re super super fucking sweet, i cant believe you missed me aaaaa?? thank you so so much for being so kind and genuine. the fact that you viewed my blog as a safe space just warms my heart more than i can express gjfkdlsjfkds :(( i appreciate it with all my soul 💕 i’m sending you all of the love in the universe lil angel. i’m always here if you need someone or if you want to talk about this properly, hmu anytime.