#✤. ❛cut and paste from dreams unfurled ... i swear i'm still your girl ⇢ dynamic : casey x alex

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are you ready? are you?

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alex cabot & casey novak @warricrscribed

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« Bury My Love »

This drabble is brought to you by painful headcanons from @warricrscribed & me of Casey’s experience when Alex was first taken into witness protection. Enjoy.

No one told her that her girlfriend was dead. Why would they? No one knew about them. They didn’t know that Casey was starting to lose her mind with worry. For three days, she thought Alex was just too busy for her. No phone calls, no emails, no surprise drop-ins to her office once everyone had gone home. But even when they fought, she didn’t just disappear like this.

No, she found out at an NYPD press conference. She was summonnd to stand among the crowd of D.A.s, lawyers, police officers, and even judges; an uncomfortable amalgamation built from her nightmares, surely. They wore black, their faces stiff, though that was nothing new. Casey stood toward the back of the room, lost in the crowd, and completely unsuspecting, until a police officer took the stage. She couldn’t see his face, just the shine of his bald head from this far back. Eyes narrowed. She looked around to her colleagues, then back to the stage, trying to hear what this was all about. And then he said it: “As most of you know, four days ago, on the night of September 29, 2003 at 10:27 PM, we lost one of our own, A.D.A. Alexandra Cabot.”

Casey blinked. No. Lips pursed. Ears rang. She couldn’t possibly have heard that right. She glanced around at the people around her. Their solemn expressions shifted from severity to grief, and her stomach dropped. Her hands went cold, but her cheeks burned. Her teeth grit so hard that her jaw began to ache. But she didn’t cry. She couldn’t cry. Hands balled into fists at her side, she swallowed the lump in her throat and forced herself to stand perfectly stoic until she was dismissed.

They were never supposed to be together, her and Alex... A couple. It was against all the rules. Alex was her mentor –– her boss, in a sense –– and a woman. But Casey was young, and perhaps a bit over-confident, and Alex was so unbelievably beautiful. Late nights together, staying up to discuss cases, to work on their arguments, researching precedents, began to lead to more. First to friendship, and then to the night when the youngest A.D.A. leaned in to kiss her. Alex had pulled back, afraid of the consequences, but Casey took her hand and she promised they were doing nothing wrong. No one needed to know. And their lips met by the fluorescent light of the old desk lamp.

Months, this had gone on. Stolen smiles across the courtroom. Momentary eye contact and hidden blushes. Private meetings that ran a little too long. Lunches at a little deli across town. Nights in each other’s apartments and beds. Hiding their truth brought on its own challenges and fights –– screaming matches in Alex’s kitchen, and tears on the balcony –– but it was worth every second. They had both loved before, but neither had loved like this.

Casey blew from the building like an ice storm onto the streets of Manhattan. The cold autumn wind bit at her skin and froze the tears stinging red rims beneath her eyes. She didn’t bother to look where she was going or dare to make eye contact with anyone passing by. The heels she wore left bloody blisters on her feet, but she couldn’t feel the pain anymore.

She found herself at Alex’s apartment well after sunset, hands shaking as she pulled out her key. It was messy, like someone had been there to look for something, and it briefly occurred to her that this might itself be a crime scene, but that didn’t matter. Still wearing her lilac wool jacket and heels, she curled up in the center of the older woman’s bed and closed her eyes. A loud, pathetic wail emanated from the back of her throat, her expression contorting as she began to cry. Clutching her own arm to her chest, Casey sobbed into the satin bedspread for what seemed like days, until at last she fell asleep.

The unforgiving sun blazed in, blinding her awake. Her head felt like someone had taken a hammer to it, her stomach churning. She blinked herself grumpily back to reality, looking out over the room. It felt so empty now. Too many memories of them, burned into its walls. A single nail traced over a hem in the blanket beneath her. Her lip still quivered. She needed to get out of here, but she couldn’t bring herself to move. She didn’t know where to go. She didn’t know what to do. There was just...nothing.

Casey sniffed, closing her eyes to steady herself against the overpowering helplessness. If she let it, sorrow would eat her alive. It would wrap its frozen tendrils around her arms and legs and waist and it would pull her down into its vacuum. Right now, that didn’t seem so bad.

Hazel eyes looked back out over the mess. Alex would hate it. And she would probably look at her now with a stiff lip and gentle eyes and tell her to get herself out of bed before she forgets how. She would remind her with a delicate firmness that one of them had to live. But all Casey wanted was just to feel her arms around her, and those lips pressed softly to her hair again.

Like a zombie, she pulled the dead weight of her limbs upright. She fixed her makeup in the bathroom mirror, and pulled her clothes straight. “No more tears, Novak. They won’t do any good now,” she muttered, brushing back her hair.

She strode out, ready to leave, but paused just for a moment. Her gaze landed on an oversized Yale tee at her feet, one she had seen Alex wear a dozen times to sleep. Casey pressed her lips together and snatched it from the floor. Balling it in her hand, she took off, refusing to let herself look back.

Casey skipped the funeral. It made things too real, and too complicated to explain. She couldn’t bear to see her name carved in stone, and it was just as well. She had a case to try that day; her first win, in Alex’s name. She ordered calla lilies to be delivered to the grave without a note, and went home.

Curled up on a leather chair in her own apartment, she pulled the t-shirt she had stolen tighter around herself. It still smelled like Alex; like the strange combination of coconut shampoo and citrus candles that made her so uniquely her. In one hand, she held a pen. In the other, she clutched the only polaroid of the two of them, taken at a conference in Chicago in August. Alex’s hand was around her waist, and the two stood a little too close for colleagues as they smiled for the camera. Hours later, they had gone out on the town together; their only real date. They held hands as they walked through the downtown streets, and kissed beneath a streetlight by their hotel. It was one of the best nights of her life.

She looked down at the paper in her lap and began to scribble:

I keep imagining you here with me; one arm around my waist, your body pressed against me. I think it’s the only way I’ll sleep tonight. I miss the way you felt.

I promise, one day, I’ll nail the bastard who did this to you... To us.

I love you, Cabot. I probably always will.

Casey.

Carefully, she folded the note in half, and tucked the photograph inside. She shoved them inside a leather-bound book, and lifted a glass of wine to her lips. All she could do now was go on.

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Alex and Casey

send me a ship and I’ll tell you…                      

who is more likely to hurt the other?  to be honest, their track record isn’t great for this.  both hurt each other more than they ever mean.who is emotionally stronger?  neither is exactly weak emotionally, but alex is a lot better at controlling her emotions, at least on the outside.  she’s still got a lot of residual pain and anxiety as a result of the events leading up to being put in witsec, but she deals with them a lot better.  casey is much more explosive or she shuts down completely.who is physically stronger?  casey.  alex isn’t weak by any stretch of the imagination, but casey is more physically powerful.who is more likely to break a bone?  probably casey, trying to score a run in softball.who knows best what to say to upset the other?  they both know the other’s triggers, but casey is more likely to use them ( and then regret it ).who is most likely to apologise first after an argument?  it depends on the argument, but it’s probably alex.  casey will apologize immediately after, but she can be stubborn leading up to it.who treats who’s wounds more often?  they both play nurse for each other, but casey is the one who needs it more oftenwho is in constant need of comfort?  in a sense, they both do.  casey is more likely to be vocal about it, but neither can sleep without the other wrapped around them.who gets more jealous?  both in their own ways.  alex gets quiet and distant, while casey gets territorial.  but both are like :) who’s that :) whenever someone so much as looks too closely at the other.who’s most likely to walk out on the other?  both have a tendency to walk out when they get too upset.  honestly, it’s for the best.  they have playful banter fights all the time, but when they’re emotionally invested in their arguments, things get pretty heated, and one of them needs to leave so they can both cool off a bit.who will propose?  casey.  she frets about it for weeks and gets both elliot and liv involved to help make things perfect so she can go all out and then probably ends up proposing spur of the moment anyway because she’s just so in love with alex that she can’t wait.who has the most difficult parents?  neither, really.  alex’s parents could be hardasses, especially her dad, but he died when she was in college and she was always very close with her mother.  casey’s parents were very strict, as well, but they’ve never been anything but loving, just wanting her to be her best and be happy.who initiates hand-holding when they’re out in public?  both.  casey usually goes for it first, but if she doesn’t, alex will.who comes up for the other all the time?  i still don’t know what this means but alex always comes up in casey’s conversations.  even if it’s just casual, once people know they’re a thing ( or elliot and liv realize what a giant crush casey has on her ), so she can talk about her more openly –– at least in certain company –– she’ll just casually drop her into every conversation.who hogs the blankets?  casey, but she makes up for it by always being wrapped up in alex’s arms instead.who gets more sad?  casey is more likely to get sad for no reason.  alex is more likely to get anxious for no reason.who is better at cheering the other up?  they’re both pretty good for each other.  alex can get in her head a lot more, though, so casey has really honed her skills at distraction and finding little ways to make the ice queen melt.who’s the one that playfully slaps the other all the time after they make silly jokes? alex, probably, since casey makes all the dad jokes.who is more streetwise?  both, but alex has led a very privileged life, so when it comes to street smarts, casey does have a bit of a leg up on her from personal experiences.who is more wise?  both.  but alex is more likely to display that wisdom, while casey is very impulsive and doesn’t always think through what she says / does.who’s the shyest?  alex,  she’s very strongly introverted and private, so when it comes to her personal life, she can be quite shy until she gets to know someone.  she rarely shows it externally, though.who boasts about the other more?  casey  “look at my super hot girlfriend” novak over here.  in all honesty, though, they’re both really proud of each other.who sits on who’s lap?  they don’t often sit in each other’s laps unless there’s straddling involved but casey is usually laying across alex or acting as little spoon.

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okay but also let’s imagine olivia as alex’s maid of honor & stabler as casey’s best man, shall we ?

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you already know

send me a ship && i’ll tell you                      

who hogs the duvet :  casey.  she also sticks her cold hands all over alex.

who texts / rings to check how their day is going :  both.  whoever is less busy throughout the day will usually check in more often, but the other responds as quickly as possible.

who’s the most creative when it comes to gifts :  casey can be very creative, but alex likes to pick up little things that remind her of casey & leave them on her desk.  sometimes these are practical, sometimes they’re weird & confusing & make casey laugh.  sometimes they send each other crap just to be annoying, like alex filling casey’s office with flowers or casey ordering her a bunch of pizzas with pineapple just to prove a point.

who gets up first in the morning :  alex.  casey needs to be dragged out of bed with a lot of effort & caffeine.  alex has generally already showered & made them coffee by time she kisses casey awake.

who suggests new things in bed :  both, occasionally.  more often than not, it’s casey.  they can get kind of kinky, but sometimes they also just end up laughing hysterically in embarrassment.

who cries at movies :  neither, really.  it’s really rare that either of them cries.  alex tends to just get annoyed by a lot of the miscommunications that lead to tragedy, while casey thinks dramatic romance movies are lame.

who gives unprompted massages :  alex.  she got bored in witsec & learned how.

who fusses over the other when they’re sick :  both, but alex goes full-nurse when taking care of casey.

who gets jealous easiest :  both.  they express it in very different ways, though.  alex gets cold & shuts down, but casey gets very territorial.  she hangs off her arm & glares at anyone who gets too close, especially with alex’s exes.

who has the most embarrassing taste in music :  casey’s music can be embarrassing, but at least no one’s ever walked in on her full-on rapping.  alex, on the other hand …

who collects something unusual :  well alex has a framed bill behind her desk, so casey will insist that it’s her.

who takes the longest to get ready :  alex.  casey is very low-maintenance.

who is the most tidy and organised :  alex, by far.  casey’s method of organization exist, but is much more chaotic ;  it’s only really understood by her.

who gets most excited about the holidays :  both.  especially halloween.

who is the big spoon/little spoon :  casey is the little spoon / alex is the big spoon, unless alex has nightmares or needs comforting.

who gets most competitive when playing games && / or sports :  casey is extremely competitive.  trish likes to win, but casey goes all in.

who starts the most arguments :  they both argue over a lot, just out of habit, but casey is more fighty.  she’ll start shit just for amusement.

who suggests that they buy a pet :  alex might suggest a cat.  casey might suggest it, too, but her want is more a whim than a genuine desire to adopt a pet.

what couple traditions they have :  a lot of small things.  if they have free time during the day, they will often take the train one stop up to a diner, where they always order the exact same meal.  it was the location of their first “date” outside the office.  if casey wins a game, they always get mister softee ice cream.  every second friday, casey orders them pizza ;  begrudgingly getting alex her fancy white sauce with garlic & basic while she gets herself regular hawaiian or meat lovers.  they also have bigger traditions, like going all out for halloween, complete with crazy decorations & really detailed couples’ costumes.

what tv shows they watch together :  often they’ll watch something alex likes, like grace & frankie.  casey somehow also gets into the bachelor, even though all she does is whine about it.

what other couple they hang out with :  elliot / olivia, usually.

how they spend time together as a couple :  often, they just hang out at alex’s apartment or in one of their offices, eating chinese or bar food while they work on arguments.

who made the first move :  casey.  both times.

who brings flowers home :  casey buys alex flowers more often.

who is the best cook :  casey.  which doesn’t say much.

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📱alex @ casey

what ringtone my muse has set for yours: default. what contact photo my muse has set for yours: ( x )what my muse thinks of the way yours texts:let’s just say she has to hide a smile when alex texts her now.how quickly my muse responds to your texts:faster than she replies to most people. still not very fast.how often our muses text: sporadically but consistently.how often our muses call: listen. they may not talk a lot, but casey just kind of likes being on the phone with alex sometimes. she’ll purger herself before she admits it though.does my muse purposefully miss calls from yours: once in awhile.last text sent from my muse to yours:[ text ⇢ alex cabot ] i could come up with the pretense of a case or i could ask you over to my place tonight. take your pick.