#「 ・ﾟ✧ SHE WANTS SOMEBODY TO LOVE HER; HOLD HER –– self para.

[diabolikal-eve]

What would Shizuka be like after a corruption arc? 🧐

@un-vampiro-metrosexual

/HHH I LOVE that you asked about this because this strongly relates to after-route adult Shizuka and I hope I got the right corruption concept because I’m about to go OFF, I don’t like sharing a lot about her route and story but I’m not sure if I’m ever going to be able to write it out so I’m going to explain what I have thought out for her so far!😭 Also apologize for the way I write, I struggle a lot with it but I’ll do my best.// **TW for self harm (español undercut!)

This is a summary pre-corruption ark

Shizuka goes through strong changes in her personality after being attached to Azusa and dealing with his self-harm and trauma, as well as the fact that she is there to kill him while inevitably growing closer to him each day. All her problems start to build up inside of her until *spoiler alert* she meets Seiji again and kills him trying to defend Yui and Azusa in their encounter as well as to avenge her dead mother in a fit of rage. Shizuka right after feels extremely guilty for killing somebody, that person being the father of her friend. After that moment, she reaches her breaking point and stops being herself, she completely refuses to see or talk to Yui ever again and only has the strength to communicate with Azusa and some very few times with the other Mukami brothers for the next long years to come.

As for her corruption ark itself✨

Personality wise, Shizuka becomes very two-faced with the people that surrounds her, and she no longer shows herself to be vulnerable in any type of way. She grows resentful of others. Shortly after what happened, she chooses to quickly marry Azusa and move out of the Mukami mansion because of how much she desperately wants to take him away for herself. Shizuka also becomes an avid gaslighter when it comes to the choices she herself generally makes, as in making Azusa move far away from his brothers and not seeing them again. She wants him to feel like he also made most of these choices for the sake of their own happiness.

Shizuka also becomes resentful of Yui for leaving with Reiji to reside in the Makai. After Seiji is gone, she switches the blame on Yui for what happened, including the abuse they both went through with the brothers (she could never blame or hold Azusa accountable for anything in the world tho lol). Deep down she’s frustrated about not being able to resolve her guilt and have closure with her feelings before leaving.

Killing Seiji will forever haunt her for the rest of her long eternal years as a vampire, as a result of the fight, she got a big scar in her face done by Seiji trying to unsuccessfully strike her neck. She absolutely hates this scar but because it was done before she turned a vampire it will never heal no matter how much she tries to erase it.

Extra ✨

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~Español~

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//HHH ME ENCANTA que hayas preguntado sobre esto porque se relaciona fuertemente con Shizuka adulta después de su ruta y espero haber entendido el concepto de corrupción correcto porque estoy a punto de explotar, no me gusta compartir mucho sobre su ruta y historia, pero no estoy segura si alguna vez podré escribirla, ¡así que voy a explicar lo que he pensado para ella hasta ahora! 😭 También pido disculpas por la forma en que escribo, me cuesta mucho, pero haré lo mejor que pueda.// **TW por autolesiones

Este es un arca precorrupción resumida

Shizuka atraviesa fuertes cambios en su personalidad después de encariñarse con Azusa y lidiar con su autolesión y trauma, así como el hecho de que ella está allí para matarlo mientras inevitablemente se acerca más a él cada día. Todos sus problemas comienzan a acumularse dentro de ella hasta que *alerta de spoiler* se encuentra con Seiji nuevamente y lo mata tratando de defender a Yui y Azusa en su encuentro, así como para vengar a su madre difunta en un ataque de ira. Shizuka justo después se siente extremadamente culpable por matar a alguien, esa persona siendo el padre de su amiga. Después de ese momento, llega a su punto de quiebre y deja de ser ella misma, se niega por completo a ver o hablar con Yui nunca más y solo tiene la fuerza para comunicarse con Azusa y muy pocas veces con los otros hermanos Mukami durante los próximos largos años para venir.

En cuanto su corrupción en sí✨

En cuanto a su personalidad, Shizuka se vuelve muy bifronte con las personas que la rodean, y ya no se muestra vulnerable de ninguna manera. Un rasgo principal que desarrolló es estar completamente resentida con los demás. Poco después de lo sucedido, ella elige casarse rápidamente con Azusa y mudarse de la mansión Mukami debido a lo mucho que desea quedárselo para ella. Shizuka también se convierte en una entusiasta ávida cuando se trata de las elecciones que ella misma suele hacer, como hacer que Azusa se aleje de sus hermanos y no volver a verlos.

Shizuka también se siente resentida con Yui por irse con Reiji a residir en el Makai. Después de que Seiji se fue, ella le echa la culpa a Yui por lo que sucedió, incluido el abuso que ambas sufrieron con los hermanos (nunca podría culpar o responsabilizar a Azusa por nada en el mundo, jajaja). En el fondo, está frustrada por no poder resolver su culpa y aclarar sus sentimientos antes de irse.

Matar a Seiji siempre la perseguirá por el resto de sus largos años eternos como vampiro, como resultado de la pelea, se hizo una gran cicatriz en la cara por Seiji tratando de rajar su cuello sin éxito. Ella odia absolutamente esta cicatriz, pero debido a que se hizo antes de que ella se convirtiera en vampiro, nunca sanará sin importar cuánto intente borrarla.

[dialovers-translations]

DIABOLIK LOVERS Para-Selene Vol.5 Sakamaki Laito [Track 2]

Original title: 滴り落ちる雫

Source: Diabolik Lovers Para-Selene Vol. 5 Sakamaki Laito [CD not owned by me]

Audio: Here (12:18~26:35)

Seiyuu: Hirakawa Daisuke

Translator’s note: Honestly, I was already expecting this kind of reaction from Laito. He tends to see the positive in any situation, knowing how to get a kick out of it, so I figured he would enjoy getting to toy with the MC while she is suffering from amnesia. However, I assume fear will slowly start to settle in once he realizes that perhaps her memories might never come back and then we’ll get some quality A N G S T~ Also the bathroom scene is slowly becoming one of the most iconic happenings of the whole DL franchise. :p They just love repeating it or referring to it in all of his CDs. 

Track 1 ll Track 2 ll Track 3 ll Track 4 ll Track 5

→  LIKE MY TRANSLATIONS? SUPPORT ME ON KO-FI!

Track 2: Water Drops Raining Down

*Drip drip*

“Nn...”

Laito wakes up.

“Why are we...in the bathroom? ...Uu...My head still...”

*Drip drip*

“...! B-Bitch-chan...!? Are you okay...? I wonder why we’re here...? For now, let’s return to our roー”

You flinch, scooting away.

“...Fufu...Is something wrong? Why are you moving away?”

You ask who he is. 

“...Haah!? What was gotten into you all of a sudden? I’m obvious your precious boyfriend, Laito-kun~? Are you still half-asleep perhaps? Or maybe you’re a little out of it because I sucked too much of your blood?”

Your eyes widen in shock.

“Nfufu~ ...What are you so surprised about? You’re well aware, aren’t you? ...That I’m a Vampire who goes crazy over your blood, that is~”

You try and run but Laito grabs hold of your arm.

*Rustle*

“Woah there...! Where are you going?”

You try and get away from him, making a fuss.

“Oh come on~ It isn’t like you to go rampant just because I grabbed your arm, Bitch-chan.”

You tell him to stop using that nickname. 

“...Eeeh~~? You’re going to complain about that now? I called you ‘Bitch-chan’ plenty of times before we went to bed as well, remember?”

You frown.

“Hm...Your reactions really are off. Did somebody do something to you after I lost consciousness, perhaps...?”

You shake your head.

“You don’t know anything? What do you mean...?”

You explain.

“...! Don’t tell me...Are you trying to tell me you’re suffering from memory loss? Do you really not remember anything? Like what happened earlier? Or who I am?”

You nod.

“No way...But why? You were completely normal up till now. ...! Could it be...Earlier...The double moon...Paraselene Syndrome? I see...So that’s why...Fufufu...Fufufufufu...Ahahaha! Nice! This is interesting! You made me worry for nothing~ I’m sure you’ll heal over time, in which case I might as well enjoy it while I can.”

You ask what he is talking about.

“Paraselene Syndrome. It’s the name of the disease you’ve been infected with. I suppose that’s why you were feeling under the weather tonight. You were affected because demon blood runs through your veins. Right now you’re seeing an illusion, and I have been caught up in it as well. ...I’m sure tonight will be a lot of fun. After all, right now you’re the old Bitch-chan from when we had only just met.”

You ask him for more details.

“Come on, we can keep the details for later. What’s important right now is that you’re suffering from amnesia, so we have to find a way to retrieve your memories. As far as I know, the only way to do so is by recreating any impactful memory within your mind. So why don’t we try anything which comes to mind~?”

You raise a brow.

“You know, all sorts of things? For example...I could show you a kind of pleasure which will blow your mind~?”

You look terrified of what he might do.

“...Nfu~ I’m really digging that reaction! It’s been a while! Nothing beats seeing you protest like that~ However, I’m gonna need you to behave for a bit now...”

*THUD*

“Aaah~ My bad~ Did that hurt? I might have gotten a little ahead of myself. An empty bathtub is just as hard as stone, isn’t it? Hang on tight, I’ll fill it up right away.”

Laito turns on the shower head.

*Pshhhhhhh*

“With water, of course~”

He starts pouring water on top of you.

“Mmh, exactly~ You gave the same reaction before. I’m starting to remember it clearly as well~ I did this to you in the past too. Cornering you in the bathroom, before spraying water on you while you were clothed. ...How does it feel? I repeated the same action, so have your memories returned?”

You shake your head.

“Fufu~ In that case...Shall I take it one step further~?”

He turns up the pressure.

*PSHHHHHH*

“How’s that? Does it feel good? Aaah~ I suppose it’s hard to breathe when the pressure is so strong, isn’t it? Haha...However, the expression you make while suffering is simply wonderful, you know? You get a kick out of the pain as well, don’t you~? I just can’t...get enough of that face you make! Give me a closer look...”

Laito places a hand on your cheek. 

“Aah...You’re so cold. No wonder you’re shivering. But rest assured, I’ll take my time to thoroughly warm you up now...”

You look at him in fear.

“Nfu~ No need to be so frightened. When you look at me like that, I only want to tease (1) you even more~ Honestly, I would have loved to start things off even more intense, but after seeing your face...I just want your blood so badly...I can’t hold back any longer...”

He bites you.

*Gulp gulp gulp*

“...Aah~ Aah...Your blood is so warm...This is the flavor which drives me crazy...~ ...Say? This is the first time you have your blood sucked after losing your memories, but have you started feeling good already, perhaps?”

You beg him to stop.

*Rustle rustle*

“Fufufu~ Why are you resisting? It’s only going to get even more fun from here on out, you know? There’s still so much more pain for you to experience~ Both pain...and mind-blowing pleasure. For example, when I sink my fangs into your ear...Haahn...”

*Gulp gulp gulp*

“...Aah~ Say? It hurts even more than before, doesn’t it? But rest assured...You’ll be able to feel great in the end. ...Come on, let me hear more of your cries. In return, I’ll bite you even more...”

He continues sucking your blood.

*Sluuuuurp*

*Gulp gulp*

You tell him to stop.

“...Ah. Listen up, Bitch-chan. You shouldn’t phrase it like that. When you want me to stop, you have to say ‘Please continue~!’, you know...~?”

You don’t respond.

“Are you sure you can just keep quiet? At this rate, I might just gobble your ear right up~ Haahn...”

*Sluuuuurp*

You beg him to continue, hoping it’ll have the opposite effect. 

“Mmh...Ah...Fufufu...Fufu~ Okay then. In that case, I’ll listen to your request...and keep going~ Haahn...”

You protest again.

*Gulp gulp gulp*

“Nfu~ ...Aah~ Fufu...Fufufu...Hahahaha! You’re a one-of-a-kind, Bitch-chan! You really are so gullible at heart! Or should I say you are good at enticing a man~? You are a natural at triggering the sadist in me. That side of you is so very ‘cute’ (2) as well, you know~? Aah...The damp clothes are sticking to your skin, making you look so very lascivious. Your shoulder, for example...is very nice...”

*Rustle*

“Aah~ Don’t move...See? The blood’s trickling down. What a waste...”

*Sluuuuurp*

“Nn...”

*Sluuuuurp*

“Hah...Aaah~ It tastes like your blood. This delectable flavor which always makes me go crazy. Fufufu...Fufufu...! So you really are frightened. I wonder what I look like to you right now? I’m so very curious~ I’m very much enjoying the things we’re doing right now...You should try and enjoy it as well, or you’ll be missing out, you know? ーー Well, even though I say that, I know you will cry, protest and fight back. ...That’s fine. Fight back all you want! Including that part as well, I’ll make sure to enjoy this Paraselene Syndrome.”

You ask him why he is doing all of this.

“...Hm~? I mean, once the moon goes back to normal, your memories will return as well. Before that happens, I want to indulge in your old, hostile self~”

You doubt whether he is actually our boyfriend or not.

“Fufu...Eeeh~? Exactly. I am none other than your lover. I doubt you remember right now, but your usual self would happily join in with this kind of ‘fun’~ I simply want to make you feel amazing after all. And I’m enjoying it as well, so it’s a win-win situation, no?”

You puff out your cheeks.

“No need to get your panties in a knot like that~ You still haven’t been satisfied? In that case, I’ll make you feel even better, okay? Let us enjoy...the ultimate pleasure, you’ll barely believe it was real by the time you snap back to your senses. Haahn...”

Laito bites you once more.

*Gulp gulp*

*BZZZZZZZZZ*

ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー

Translation notes

(1) かわいがる or ‘kawaigaru’ usually means ‘to spoil’ or ‘to dote on’, however, the set phrase ‘かわいがってあげる’ is often used in a sarcastic way as well, meaning the exact opposite. 

(2) ‘Kawaii’ obviously means ‘cute’, but it can also have a hidden implication of ‘naive’, ‘innocent’ or ‘dependent’. 

[romeoshqs]

What: self para.

Time Frame: romeo is about sixteen, it’s his birthday.

Triggers: mentions of abandonment & weed, lack of self love. 

Song Inspiration: love song, yungblud.

Lyrical Inspiration: “nobody taught me how to love, myself, so, how can i love somebody else, there ain’t no excuses, i swear that i’m doing my best.”

Romeo had disappeared from his home for the past couple of days, wandering the streets much like when he was younger. He had been living in what he called his forever home for about five years now. He knew that the so called family that had adopted him, had loved him as if he was their child. With the conflicting emotions, of feeling that no matter how a family or a person wanted him, or loved him for that matter, he still was reserved. Afraid that he wasn’t good enough to be love from what happened within the system that he was in and out of since he was eleven. If his own mother didn’t want him, what makes him think that someone else could. 

Walking the streets with the duffle bag full of what he had needed, he ran. Ran to no where in particular, but the direction his mind seemed to point for him to run too. He was nothing, no one, and while everyone around him treated him with care, and adoration, he wouldn’t grasp that, well not at this moment anyways. His mind was running through thoughts. Thoughts that seemed to particularly embed themselves in his mind at this time of year, where he always took off for days to escape the feelings, feelings that wouldn’t go away at first. 

Walking into the home of his friend that sold weed to others to escape the reality, reality most called life, Romeo walked through the home until he found the guy he was looking for. “Hey mate, I need a dub.” He spoke holding out the crisp twenty he had gotten from his allowance a week ago. All this keep your head up and not let anything get to you, felt like complete bullshit. He lived life not knowing what would have happened to him, and that edge needed to be chipped off his shoulder and stored in a trash bag a million miles away. Taking the small sack and the complementary pack of cigarillos, he walked out heading to the pier. 

Upon his arrival the young man sat down. His fingers splitting the rillo in half perfectly, as he dumped the tobacco out in the pack the cigarillo had came in. Picking apart the weed he lined it up and twisted the brown coarse leaf into the perfect blunt. Letting it dry for a moment, he then brought it to his lips and lit it up, inhaling the herb deeply. His thoughts would come to a halt soon. His inner feelings becoming numb for the next few hours as he decided to alter his own mind. 

Letting the smoke out, he sighed contently. His mind already buzzed. “Why did she not want me.” He questioned to himself. “Why wasn’t I good enough to be called her son? Would I have been this way if I was adopted and kept, instead of being in and out of the system?” He asked. He knew he would never get answers to the questions he always seemed to have the day of his birth. He knew that his family now, was out searching for him, so he finished what he had left of the blunt and tossed it out heading home. 

As soon as he walked through the door he was engulfed by the man and women that took him in, and called him their own. His chest heaved as he stood there being engulfed. “I-I’m sorry.” He managed to get out as he cried. “I’m sorry I keep running at this time of year.” His voice spoke out brokenly. “I just don’t know how to accept the love that is given, when I don’t know how to love myself.” He whispered as he wrapped his arms around the two people that took him in and loved him no matter how much hell he caused them, to see if them adopting him was going to fail like the others in the past. “I-I promise to not do it again.” He spoke lowly and true to his words. He knew at this moment that he had people that loved and cared about him, and now in the matter of time he would grow to accept that love and love himself. 

[ariadneah]

self para / overfill

“I hold it to be the inalienable right of anybody to go to hell in their own way.”

Ariadne never left the cold shower of that morning to begin with. A subtle shiver she couldn’t control was pinching the edges of her hands as she was preparing to walk on stage right after the projection the Capitol had prepared for that year. Even so, the purple of her dress felt like draining down her spine. As if she never quite wiped the deliberately chilly drops of water off her back. It wasn’t the first time she was sweating on her way to the Hunger Games. The thought alone carefully filled her lungs with fresh air. Suddenly, breathing got simpler. She stepped ahead, hearing no sound, catching a glimpse of her brother instead. His eyes told the story of a sleepless night, still alcohol-injected. She hadn’t slept either, but she never felt more awake regardless. Today was smiling down on her, but she was too shaky to smile back, instead keeping herself focused.

Like walking on the edge of a cold, luscious knife, she stepped ahead in front of the microphone. When she opened her mouth, her voice didn’t sound like herself. “Ladies and gentlemen, the Capitol,” she introduced the omnipotent force without smiling, followed by the loyal applause. There was a time for smiling, but the Reaping of the 124th Biannual Hunger Games was not it. She was careful to be solemn, not underwhelmed.

The girl had to remind herself it was not her applause to take. Instead, she clapped too. Ariadne’s style had never been bubbly, especially as an escort. Instead, she was fierce the way only someone from the second district knew how to be. Licking her lips, she dreaded more than ever the parting seconds between then and the big moment. Partly because she wanted to freeze it, decided yet terrified.

There were no fireworks upcoming. Only her heartbeat. Ariadne couldn’t look over her shoulder at Orpheus -- not anymore. Not until she’s done it. The guilt would never be as bright as it was at that moment, and she refused to give him the chance to read all about it in her eyes. Instead, she faced the crowd, the way she should have all along. The way she would always dream of. At that moment, even if nobody knew but herself, she was a tribute, representing her district into the Games. She took one last breath as sole holder of that information. Soon, everyone would learn it.

“We will now begin the yearly selection for the tributes. The moment, um, the moment we have all been waiting for.” She was usually less clumsy, but her hands were fully shaking at that point. Holding her breath, she worried she would push the bowl of names off the platform and watch it split into shards at her feet.

Her fingers almost tore apart the piece of paper, trying to unfold it. The shaking was almost as stubborn as she was. “For the female tributes... Erida Karambit.” Her heart completely stopped, encouraging her lips to part and say the magic words. Time stopped there. The knot in her throat naturally untied itself, so she would make it into reality.

“But I volunteer. So don’t bother. Sorry,” she was quick to add, deadpanned with a dash of acid, despite the moment of hesitance projected by her own brain. In reality, not a second more passed by her. Apathetic for the moment, Ariadne couldn’t feel her numb hands anymore. She now had to announce herself, not the way she would have planned her Reaping to unfold back when she was making plans at fourteen years old.

She did it meekly, almost embarrassed of the situation, though straight-backed and prouder than ever. She had to stand straight. Otherwise, she would risk facing one of the figures she was avoiding, standing behind her. A general murmur covered the crowd, but the microphone was louder. “I’m Ariadne Beaurevoir and I will be fighting for our District these Games. Oh, and I fucking quit.” Afterwards, more solemn than ever, as if forgetting the last part, she executed a small head bow. 

Yet, for a dumb moment, her heart rushed to imagine her brother, the boy whose shadow she was side-eyeing, volunteering. As it was always supposed to be. Still, despite the plans, nothing horrified her more. Nonetheless, she continued as if nothing changed. As if he wouldn’t notice. As if he wouldn’t think about it. As if he never loved her enough to. “I will formally fulfill my duties, however. The male tribute of District Two is Dexter Harlow.”

Whether somebody else volunteered or not, it was in a haze. All she could tell was that a boy was squeezing her hand all of a sudden. A quick, halfway blind glance confirmed that it was not Orpheus Beaurevoir. That was everything that mattered. “Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to present us, the two tributes representing District Two during the 124th Biannual Hunger Games! May the odds be ever in our-” She couldn’t continue without spreading an artificial taste all over her mouth. “You know the words. We will make you proud.”

“Thank you.”

And there, she expected hell to break loose under the crystal applause. But it didn’t, not for the moment. And she pretended it never will, embracing the instant. Those people were finally cheering for her.

[tinysutton]

A Trip Home || Sutton Bonavitz Self Para #003

When Papa emailed Sutton a ticket back to New York, they were not looking forward to going. But they knew they had no choice but to go. On the plane ride back to New York, all they could think about was Leo and if he was okay when they were worrying about why Papa only wanted to see them. Well, it seemed a little obvious to Sutton why it was only them coming back and not Brownwynn as well. But they thought that that had all been taken care of. And usually Wynnie was part of it. After all, everything that happened with one twin usually involved the other. Flying without their twin by their side was strange. No inside jokes or games to play with their other half. No shoulder to sleep on it anybody to hold on to during turbulence.

The last hour of the plane ride they were convinced that this was the end. The intricate web of lies that Papa had crafted over a year ago had finally collapsed and they were going to have to face the music. Or worse, Eliza didn’t want Papa living the lie anymore and convinced him to give it up. It didn’t seem to be the first time she had convinced Papa of something that wasn’t in the best interest of his family or children. After all, it was because of Eliza—the one person Sutton had trusted, since she was the woman that raised them—who had told Papa that she didn’t want the twins living with them once the new baby had been born.

Landing at JFK Airport, Sutton was dreading seeing their father and step mother. They took their time wandering through the airport to baggage claim. But sure enough, it wasn’t their parents waiting for them. The only person who stood at the baggage claim for them was a sharply dressed chauffeur holding a sign with Sutton Bonavitz printed across in boring black letters. With a sigh, they dragged their feet over to the man, dropping their bags at his feet, more than prepared to act like the spoiled brat he no doubt already thought them to be. They barely waited for him to pick up their bags before heading for the exit of the airport, ready to be done with this trip already.

For the most part, the trip was what Sutton expected. Lectures from Papa about what had happened last September. What the new arrangement was. What lie they needed to uphold. The reminder that they weren’t to tell anybody the truth. He told them that so many times, as if they really thought about telling somebody the truth that they were keeping hidden. Only Fane and Win knew some of the truth and that was because of Mama. While the lecture went on, Sutton wondered if Papa was going to give this new information to anybody else in the family or if it really did only pertain to them. After all, not even their three older siblings knew the real truth.

These lectures easily could have been done over the phone. Seeing as Papa was at the office most of the visit and Eliza seemed to want to keep the child away from Sutton at all costs, they were alone in the mansion for most of the week. So they did what any sixteen year old would do. They snooped. Through everything they could get their hands on.

In the attic they found trunks of all the things they and their siblings had done over the years. Accomplishments and achievements. Boxes inside with lost baby teeth and baggies with their first haircut inside. Baby books with all kinds of pictures. First outfits and other special outfits. Suttons first competition swimsuit. Yuriy’s first football. Vira’s first set of ballet slippers. For a few moments, Sutton’s heart swelled with a feeling of love, thinking that at least at one point Mama and Papa cared. Until they saw that the handwritting on the keep sakes varied from trunk to trunk. It took them a moment to realize that everything in their own truck and Brownwynn’s was labeled in a curly script that looked vary familiar. All of these trucks were put together by their nannies. After that they left the attic, realizing that their parents never truly cared about them.

In their old bedroom they found toys they had forgotten about but none of them worked anymore. Practically everything had been emptied out of their older sibling’s rooms when they all moved out on their own. Although they found Dariya’s secret food hiding place behind a trap door in her closet, empty snack wrappers and unhealthy junk food still tucked away.

Knowing that Papa’s office might hold some juicy secrets, they left it for last, slowly taking their time sifting through everything. Recipts from his affair with Eliza, vacations with the nanny he had written off as business trips to the letter she had written him with the first sonogram of the child. It was heartbreaking to see that Papa cared more about the affair he had with the nanny than he seemed to care about his own children. The more they sifted through things, the more stuff the found.

The most interesting file they found was from an affair Papa had with a woman named Alice. Pictures of a beautiful woman with flowing brown hair were tucked away in the file. Her covered strategically by bubbles in a bathtub at a fancy hotel, on the beach with the sun beaming down on her, making her look like an angel. It was clear where Sutton got their obsession of photography from. But just as quickly as the affair seemed to start, it ended. Maybe it was a one time thing they thought as they sifted through documentation of hospital visits in the same file. Papa had been sending this Alice woman money.  Scandalous. Then they stumbled across the new photograph of a new born boy on a scale in the hospital, crying loudly. The name of the boy was written on the top of the page. Elliot.

At that monent, Sutton became even more invested. They had a half brother?! Why didn’t Papa fight for him like he did for the child? When they came across a copy of his birth certificate a couple pages later, they saw why. The child’s birthday was only a few months before Sutton and Brownynn’s. Carefully, they read over the birth certificate. The name listed under father wasnt Papa’s name. It was Nathaniel Mills. A strange sensation filled Sutton as they read and reread the name of the child that was Papa’s bastard son. Elliot Mills. It couldn’t be. But the more they flipped through the thick folder the more it became obvious that it was. Hospital bills for eye surgeries and copies of doctors reports as the boy slowy went blind. Eventually they found a picture of Elliot on one of his birthdays, seemingly requested by their father. Even without the sunglasses, Sutton recognized their friend. This was the first time that they ever got a look at his eyes. Those were without a doubt Papa’s eyes.

Once they finished reading through the thick folder, they went over to Papa’s scanner and made copies of every single thing in the manilla folder. There was no way anybody would believe them if they didn’t have proof. Tucking their copied file deep into their suitcase, they thought of what they were supposed to do as they packed up to fly back to New Zealand. Eliot had the right to know that the man he called dad shared no genetics with him. Right? They had to tell him. But how were they supposed to? They had heard the rumors that Elliot’s mom had died the year before. Which meant all the poor boy had was the man he thought was his father. It would shake his entire world if he knew that his dad wasn’t his dad. But wouldn’t it be wrong for them not to tell him?

On the plane ride back, they flipped through the folder again. Papa really had been taking care of Elliot for years without anybody’s knowledge. Hospitals stays and doctors visits. For both Elliot and Alice from the looks of it. Child support checks with far more money than needed to be sent. Even receipts for the Luxor tuition. How Papa had manage to keep this under wraps for so long was impressive. But also completely messed up. Especially when everything seemed to stop abruptly with a large payment for a hospital stay for Alice and an anonymous check sent to The Mills Family.

When the plane landed in New Zealand, Sutton still hadn’t come up with a plan of what to do. All they had decided was they needed to talk to their twin. It was killing them not to tell anybody what they knew. Maybe their twin sister would have an idea of what to do. If it was even right to tell Elliot the truth.

[xavierpak]

Self-para 001; When things get fucked up, the fucked up get going.

Alright, fine, he’ll admit it - perhaps the exposing got to him more than he initially led on. He claimed there to be no motives behind the reckless outbursts of tweets, that he was just exercising his right to defend himself, the whole ordeal nothing but some online banter people would soon forget. After all, somebody literally got exposed for murder a week ago and it seemed as though nobody even remembered his name anymore. So, that was that, some rumors, a couple of mean-spirited messages, and wandering eyes following him as he walked down the hall - in a day or two, everything would go back to normal.

Besides, all he did was crack a few jokes - changing your twitter handle to fit the narrative you’re being accused of? C'mon, that's hilarious. And even if it's not, all it is is going along with the joke. With no receipts to support the claims, no secret confessions or account numbers linking the two together, no one had any reason to believe the whole Kapu thing was meant to be taken seriously anyway, there wasn't as much as a picture of Xavier in the same room as one of Kapu’s paintings, nor an acknowledgment that he's ever even heard of the artist at all. The only connection the two shared in the public eye was Mrs. Imogen Park. The same Imogen Park that has not spoken to her son in years.

Though he’d never admit it, not even to himself, somewhere deep, deep down - way down, buried underneath a pile of empty liquor bottles and cigarette buds - Kapu stood as a bridge between his family and him; an excuse to send an email to his mom, even though it boasted a stranger’s name. A hope that maybe, just maybe, creating a fake persona could stand to become a successful attempt at gaining his parents' respect. At the end of the day, did it matter if their letters of praise sung about one mysterious Kapu, an artist they relished and poured hours of support and appreciation into, unbeknownst to them that the words of love were read by no other than a boy who longed for them all his life? Did their words not hold the same kind of recognition?

No, no they didn’t.

And yet, as it turned out, his intentions behind the project didn't matter at all. It was a fraud, so they said, a quick crash grab. Another empty soul trying to reach stardom - a scam. As though the paintings weren't the same as they were, as though it wasn't his hand that traced the lines, his disdain for the corrupt world of art-trade that fueled the stories behind it. As though his face alone was enough to strip an art piece of its value. Sure, he was the first to claim the paintings held no meaning in the first place, but that's beside the point. Nobody cared about the real value of art anyway, he felt like a fool for having believed anyone would stop and take the time to listen to his message at all.

Truthfully, he’s never felt heard before, and he wasn’t sure whether that stood as the cause or the result of his struggle to express himself. One of the very reasons he fell in love with art was just that, its ability to transcend words, deliver a message through color, shape and atmosphere, fill the air with a feeling, rather than a saying. Ironically, he found himself utterly useless at that as well, countless unfinished poems, smashed figurines and torn-up sketches ridiculing the incoherent strings of thoughts whirling in his mind. He never thought to put them aside and revisit them after the heat of the moment had passed - no, if it wasn't perfect the first time round, it would never be perfect at all.

If it couldn't make the family proud, it was time to chuck it aside, pop out a new one, and make that the sole recipient of all the cultivated love and support. The old one had already been deemed a lost cause anyway.

Anyway. Another shot of whiskey and all was well again. Another one, and the distant cries for help echoing within no longer reached his ears.

What exactly did they want him to do? Pick up a phone? Call a friend? What friend? The only friend he has just might be well on his way towards becoming the only friend he had - just as it usually went. Even those who stuck around after the first signs of trouble had to admit defeat sooner or later, forced to realize there’s no honor in fighting somebody else’s demons when they won’t even put up a fight themselves.

He was one of the most popular kids in high school, but hey, fuck it, with a big-shot football scholarship and an off-campus apartment at UCLA, he didn’t need those high school losers anyway. A semester into the first school year, alcohol convinced him he didn’t need the scholarship either. Well - it wasn’t the alcohol that drove his decisions, not at first, it was merely a distraction from the deep-rooted issues he wasn’t quite ready to deal with yet, a convenient scapegoat to unload all of his problems onto. Until it became the very center of his battleground, leaving him without a family, without a girlfriend, without a scholarship, and, after his friends had realized weekend-long parties were only holding them back, without his status of a party god as well.

He went from living in a Manhattan mansion to crashing on strangers couches within the span of four years, burning every bridge along the way. Who did he have to call? That guy whose bathroom he threw up in four months ago, and was then allowed to spend the day on his couch out of sheer pity? That girl who, bless her heart, recognized him at one of the parties as ‘that guy she used to take a business class with’, wanted to help him get home safely, only to realize he had no home to get to? He managed to spend the better part of two weeks in her bed - it’s crazy what all people will do for a pretty smile and a touch. At one point in time, he even got involved with a group of local artists and convinced them to let him drag an old mattress into their art studio, and so he lived somewhere between a sketch and a masterpiece, paint fumes helping him color in the edges of reality.

Long drags of flavored cigarettes, his nude body draped across the bed, sprawled all over the floor a moment after, his trembling fingers drowning in buckets of paint, indulging in the sensation, just to splatter a bright colorful mess all over the big white sheet hung across the wall, first yellow, then orange, then green, topped off with a flood of black.

The moment he realized art wasn’t real.

The story behind it didn’t matter, no title deserved its praise of a cathartic cleaning - there was no cathartic cleaning. There were empty buckets of paint on the ground, holes in the canvas, and tension within.

A day before mother’s day, he plastered the word HYP OCR ITE onto a blank canvas and sent it off to his parents' house. As his friend had later described it, the last thing they did was open google translate, typed in ‘buffoon’, and chose a random language to translate the word into - and so Banksy’s newest rival was born.

Oh, the days when people cared enough to stick around and fill him in on parts of the night he didn’t remember. Back when getting kicked out of his apartment seemed like the start of an adventure, albeit a solo one. 

He used to think people intentionally tied his feet down onto the pier, chaining him in place while boats came and went, mocking him with the wind in their sails; he used to think everybody wanted to slow him down, just so they could soar. He was never able to see the ropes around his feet for what they were; safety nets, keeping him from going adrift and losing himself out on the open sea, alone. He still couldn't. 

With great haste, he swung at anyone who tried to tie him down, failing to realize time and time again it didn't have to be just him against the world.

But it was. And if it took a secret of his getting exposed to remind him of that, then so be it.

Caught up in the whirlwind of asperity, he almost thought to force out a tear, even if just for the theatrics of it, even if just to prove the cold-hearted man walking the halls of Masters remained nothing but a mask - Instead, his body was as lifeless amidst the dirty sheets, the joint in his hands having burned out a long time ago, his face as unhinged as ever.

[tatumxlawrence]

( JANA KRAMER + FEMALE ) — Have you seen TATUM WELLS-LAWRENCE ? This THIRTY-FOUR year old is a TRAUMA SURGEON who resides in MANHATTAN. She has been living in NYC for SIXTEEN YEARS, and is known to be COURAGEOUS and SPONTANEOUS, but can also be SELF-DESTRUCTIVE and CLOSED-OFF, if you cross them. People tend to associate them with ARMY HOODIES and CRYING IN PRIVATE — ( it reese )

triggers: death [several deaths, actually]

TATUM WELLS IS THE OLDEST OF THE FOUR WELLS CHILDREN. Tatum has a younger sister named Casey [Adelaide Kane], who is five years younger than her. She also has a younger sister, named Tallulah, who died at the age of sixteen in a car accident along with their mother. Her baby brother, Noah, passed away at six months old from pneumonia.

TATUM MOVED TO NEW YORK CITY WHEN SHE WAS EIGHTEEN TO GO TO UNIVERSITY. Born and raised in London, England, moving to a completely new continent was a shock to the Brit’s system. However, she decided to join a sorority [Kappa Kappa Gamma, to be exact] at NYU and met a couple of her closest friends to this day.

TATUM MAJORED IN MEDICINE, WITH A PLAN TO MOVE ON TO MED SCHOOL. Tatum had gone to NYU as an undeclared major, but once Noah passed away, Tatum immediately switched into the pre-med program, with a specialty in pediatrics, like her mother was, moving on to NYU’s Medical School, graduating just before her 25th birthday.

TATUM ENLISTED IN THE UNITED STATES ARMY POST GRADUATION. Deciding she wanted to perform surgery overseas during the war, Tatum left for basic training on her 25th birthday [happy birthday, eh?] and was almost immediately deployed overseas to Iran. Tatum served three tours, meeting her husband, Christopher Lawrence. The two wed on May 22nd, 2015, two days after Tatum found out she was expecting their first child.

TATUM RETIRED FROM THE US MILITARY ON MAY 20th, 2015. Tatum and Christopher decided that they wanted to start a family, and Tatum was adamant about their child not growing up on a military base. She applied to several hospitals in New York before accepting a job as a trauma surgeon at NY Presbyterian Hospital. She will occasionally take on pediatric cases when the hospital needs her to [unless its an infact case, because she won’t work on infants due to the loss of her brother], but she found a love for trauma surgery after being overseas. Tatum knows what it’s like to lose multiple people in her life, and wants to make sure nobody loses a close family member.

MADELINE “MADY” LAWRENCE WAS BORN ON JANUARY 31st, 2016. Christopher, who was still active military service, was able to fly home from being stationed in Afghanistan to witness the birth of his child. Tatum hated going through pregnancy with him halfway across the world, but the fact that he was able to be home for her birth made the pain of the past nine months disappear.

CHRISTOPHER LAWRENCE PASSED AWAY ON JANUARY 23rd, 2020. Christopher had been deployed to Syria for what the pair had agreed would be his last tour. Mady was about to turn four, and the couple had decided they would start trying for their second child. Christopher was only deployed ten days when his platoon was out on surveillance and their vehicle tripped a landmine, killing them all. Tatum has been a wreck inside, but holding it together, not only for her daughter, but for her sister, who welcomed her daughters on February 2nd, 2020. You can read the self para here.

wanted connections

College Friends - Tatum was brand new to the city when she came over for college. She was able to make lasting friends quickly, both roommates and sorority sisters.

Work Friends - Tatum is a doctor so anybody in the medical field or emergency service occupation [fire, ems, police] would be somebody she’d know pretty well.

Military Friends - Tatum was in the military for five years. Surely she made some lasting friends that she’s kept in contact with. 

College Boyfriend She Reconnected With - I’ll be putting in a WC for this but basically this is the boyfriend she dated through her seven years at NYU. It can be discussed why they broke up, but they reconnected once he heard about Christopher’s death. It’s platonic [for now] but it’s obvious there’s still some love there, considering the length of time they dated. ***Preferably a new character, unless the timing lines up with an established character.

[bradfordarchive]

true or false | self para

The screech of a train can swallow a scream, if you time it right.

Not just a feeble one, either. Full bodied. The kind that curls your toes, has you imagining them sprouting talons, and rooting in the dirt to keep you from keeling.

Sometimes, when Bradley screamed like that, she imagined her hair floating around her, live in static -- sparking, to the touch. She imagined somebody trying to reach their hand out, and frying a finger no sooner had they poked a strand. Skin pruning, and cooking, charring to the point that you could taste the smell in the back of your throat. A slither of human steak, grisly between your molars. Hannibal Lecter’s favourite appetiser.

The first time Bradley rode all the way to the end of a subway line, she was thirteen. Trains never stopped running, which irritated Bradley. Didn’t they ever get fucking sick of it? Of going in circles? Didn’t they ever just want to snap and derail, even if it meant taking everyone on board with them? Especially then?

As the carriage rattled, index poking a mulch of gum into the shape of a human brain, Bradley thought about the fact it had probably belonged to somebody making an evening commute from work. Somebody that cut their sandwiches into triangles, and packed them up in Tupperware. Somebody committed to a meal plan, and game nights on Thursdays, and parting their hair down the side with a fine toothed comb.

By the time she set foot onto the platform, she’d squished it into an unrecognisable splodge beneath her thumb. Pictured it stringing away red, and elastic, a disgusting sop of organ she could stretch out and play hopscotch with.

She’d hadn’t been able to think about anything that didn’t end in blood, since she realised her mother’s draws were empty and her shoes were gone. 

“Kid?”

Kid.

Bradley kept kicking her boots out. Turning a lighter in hand, with eyes lined dark like a raccoon. Kohl pencil, ringed six times and intentionally left messy. She wanted to be ugly. She wanted to look like a dark alley where you can only make out teeth.

“You can’t sit there, kid.”

‘Lyss is gone, kid. She didn’t want us, any more. You weren’t enough to make her stay.

“Kid, you fuckin’ deaf?” Shaking his hands from his pockets across the platform, a beanie clad stranger straightened. “Said you can’t sit there. Cut it with the smokes, too. What’re’ya, twelve? Y’want cancer?”

“Yeah, old man, I want fucking cancer,” Bradley sniped back, the verbal equivalent of an inky full stop punched down by a type writer. Black, and messy, and bleeding. She’d swallow it, if she could. Taste how angry it was on the way down. See if it put a finish to all the words in her stomach, so she could finally shit them out and be done with them: ‘stop’, and ‘please’, and ‘don’t’.

'I’ and ‘love’ and ‘you’.

‘Stay’ and ‘please’ and ‘please’ and ‘please’ and--

“Y’think you’re tough shit, huh? Jeez’ oh Lou. Cancer or not, y’can’t sit there.” 

Bradley had another drag on her cigarette. She’d watched her mother enough to know how to inhale them properly, and she did it the same way -- chin tipped up, ribs frozen as they held it just to spite the bastards down in corporate. Lungs, suited up and fiddling with cuff links. Fuck them, anyway. Who needs them, anyway. Anyway, anyway, anyway.

Something about trains soothed her and made her angry, all at once. 

Apparently realising he wasn’t going to get through to her, he took a different approach. Softened his edges, a little.

“How old are you, kid?”

Instantly, her head snapped in his direction. Maybe he thought he’d got somewhere, by the smile that twitched to life, Frankenstein’s limb reanimated by a sparking prong. Maybe he thought he’d broken through. 

“Why’d you wanna know, fucker? Are you a fucking paedophile?”

Visibly shocked, he held up his hands in surrender.

In fact, he didn’t even say anything when she slipped down from the platform edge and started walking the tracks.

By the time Bradley had leveraged herself into the desired spot, a boot firm on a protruding brick and black nails braced to pull her upright, she’d started thinking about it again. Sitting there, on the two story roof of a vacant building, overlooking the tracks, she couldn’t think about anything but.

Her eyes shut, and she ignored distant sirens as she went through a mental checklist. It had only been a week, but she’d reviewed it so much that the corners were dogeared -- yellowing, even. The paper could barely be spread flat, for fear it would tear.

True or false: you own a toy train set.

She kept her eyes closed tight, as she lifted her hand, swiping at a dribble of vodka on her chin. She’d wriggled a small bottle out of the pocket of her black duffel, stolen from a local convenience store.

True or false: sometimes, you’d lie flat on your belly to watch it go by, up close. Sometimes you wanted it to catch your nose. You dared it to. 

True or false: the windows on the steam engine looked like breadcrumbs. You could hardly make out the people inside it, but you counted them all to a head. Eleven, to a carriage. Twelve, if you counted a smudge to the far left. It looked more ghost than person.

True or false: this ghost has always been your favourite. Sometimes, you used to call it mom. You can’t bring yourself to, any more.

Mentally stuttering, a black moth caught inside of a net curtain, Bradley swigged again from her vodka. Coughed, under her breath, and ignored the sound of a train coming.

True or false: the last time you played with the train, you heard voices.

True or false: this is a memory, not a dream.

This was the part where it got tricky. This was the part where she stopped knowing which box to check.

True or false: the voices came in snippets.

“--saying it’ll be cleaner. No fuss. Grab it, will you?”

Bradley kept her eyes shut. She had to keep her eyes shut.

“Just clean it up. Just grab it, and get it out of here.”

The rail lines were squealing. She could hear a pigeon cooing, overhead, and all she wanted to do was grab a stone and hurl it. Shut it up. Shut up everything.

True or false: there was a set of shoes poking out from behind the door. Something was troubling about them -- some niggling thought floating at the back of your mind. They were sticking out from behind the wood like a door stop.

This part of the list was the point where she usually wanted to stop. She usually couldn’t continue. 

True or false: they were your mother’s shoes. 

She was holding the bottle so tight that her shoulders were shaking. It felt like something was trying to hatch, inside of her, and she kept swallowing the hands that scrabbled towards an exit. Sometimes, when she drank enough, she could feel it rapping fists at the backs of her teeth, knocking for the world to finally let it out.

Unleash me. Give in, and unleash me. Accept it. Accept what you already know. 

True or false: they were your mother’s shoes, and somebody limp was wearing them.

The screech of a train can swallow a scream, if you time it right.

Not just a feeble one, either. Full bodied. The kind that curls your toes, has you imagining them sprouting talons, and rooting in the dirt to keep you from keeling.

As it came barrelling by, the scream Bradley let out was so loud, she thought maybe the sky would split. She thought maybe the world would tear a hole, and she’d fall right through it.

Some questions are better when you pretend you don’t know the answer.

Like true or false.

Like memory or dream.

Like would you care, if you fell through the hole? Would you even fight it?

[thegoldenyears-memories]

               ♡  ALL ABOUT US, a grace & jacob mix ♡

                                                               ( listen )

01. KID IN LOVE de shawn mendes ( and i know that we just met and maybe this is dumb but it feels like there was something from the moment that we touched ‘cause, it’s alright, it’s alright i wanna make you mine the way you’re lightin’ up the room caught the corner of my eye we can both sneak out the back door we don’t have to say goodbye 'cause, it’s alright, it’s alright to waste time tonight maybe i’m just a kid in love maybe i’m just a kid in love oh, baby if this is what it’s like falling in love then i don’t ever wanna grow up maybe i’m just a kid in love maybe i’m just a kid in love oh, baby it’d be cool if it’s the two of us but i don’t ever wanna grow up. )

02. SHARE YOUR ADDRESS de ben platt ( darling, you might think it’s too son but i can’t get you out of my head now picturing myself in your room and i wanna be with you 'til i’m dead now i want your friends to be my friends i’ll make you breakfast in your bed i want it all with you and if i’m coming on too strong it’s 'cause i’ve waited far too long for someone just like you i want a key to your house i wanna pick up your clothes i wanna clean up your mes i wanna know where you hide things wanna be in your photos wanna share your address i know, i know it’s too soon, too fast but this could last i wanna share your address i know, i know it, it feels like love so let’s shack up i wanna share your address. )

03. I DON’T CARE de ed sheeran & justin bieber ( 'cause i don’t care when i’m with my baby, yeah all the bad things disappear and you’re making me feel like maybe i am somebody i can deal with the bad nights when i’m with my baby, yeah ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh 'cause i don’t care, as long as you just hold me near you can take me anywhere and you’re making me feel like i’m loved by somebody i can deal with the bad nights when i’m with my baby, yeah ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. )

04. MINE de taylor swift ( i say, “can you believe it?” as we’re lying on the couch the moment i can see it. yes, yes, i can see it now. do you remember, we were sitting there by the water? you put your arm around me for the first time. you made a rebel of a careless man’s careful daughter. you are the best thing that’s ever been mine. flash forward and we’re taking on the world together, and there’s a drawer of my things at your place. you learn my secrets and you figure out why i’m guarded, you say we’ll never make my parents’ mistakes. )

05. LA CORRECTA de morat & nabález ( te cuento que me encuentro enamorado y siento que esta vez es la correcta. te cuento para mi ella es perfecta, con todos sus defectos y pecados. sé que con otras yo me he equivocado, he quedado contra el mundo y he perdido la esperanza. porque, aunque llevo cargas del pasado cuando ella está a mi lado se equilibra la balanza y nada me cansa. no pienso dar un paso atrás en el camino que me lleve hacia tus besos, no pienso en eso se los confieso, hoy me arriesgo a todo sin mirar atrás. )

06. FALLIN’ ALL IN YOU de shawn mendes ( be yours, be my dear so close with you on my lips touch noses, feeling your breath push your heart and pull away, yeah be my summer in a winter day love i can’t see one thing wrong between the both of us be mine, be mine, yeah anytime, anytime ooh, you know i’ve been alone for quite a while haven’t i? i thought i knew it all found love but i was wrong more times than enough but since you came along i’m thinking baby you are bringing out a different kind of me there’s no safety net that’s underneath, i’m free falling all in you fell for men who weren’t how they appeared, yeah trapped up on a tightrope now we’re here, we’re free falling all in you. )

07. IT’S NICE TO HAVE A FRIEND de taylor swift ( church bells ring, carry me home rice on the ground looks like snow call my bluff, call you “babe” have my back, yeah, every day feels like home, stay in bed the whole weekend it’s nice to have a friend (ooh.) )

08. EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU de one direction ( it’s everything about you, you, you everything that you do, do, do from the way that we touch, baby to the way that you kiss on me it’s everything about you, you, you (everything about you) the way you make it feel, new, new, new like every party is just us two and there’s nothing i could point to it’s everything about you, you, you (everything about you) everything about you, you, you (everything about you) it’s everything that you do, do, do (everything about you) it’s everything about you. )

09. KISS ME KISS ME de 5 seconds of summer ( can i call, wake you up on a sunday? late night, i think we need a getaway headlights, hold tight, turn the radio loud (turn the radio loud) let me know where to go and i’ll get you there tell the truth and i’ll show you how to dare flashlights, held tight, we can own this town never say goodbye and so kiss me, kiss me, kiss me and tell me that i’ll see you again 'cause i don’t know if i can let you go. )

10. TENERIFE SEA de ed sheeran ( should this be the last thing i see i want you to know it’s enough for me 'cause all that you are is all that i’ll ever need i’m so in love, so in love so in love, so in love you look so beautiful in this light your silhouette over me the way it brings out the blue in your eyes is the tenerife sea. )

11. LIGHTS ON de shawn mendes ( damn, you look so good with your clothes on and i’m not trying to come off too strong but you know that i can’t help it cause girl you’re beautiful and i can’t deny i want your body but i’m a gentleman so i’ll be the one who takes it slowly cause girl you’re so beautiful i wanna love you with the lights on keep you up all night long darling, i wanna see every inch of you i get lost in the way you move i wanna love you with the lights on hold you 'til the night’s gone darling, i wanna see every inch of you i get lost in the way you move i wanna love you with the lights on. )

12. ADORE YOU de harry styles ( you don’t have to say you love me you don’t have to say nothing you don’t have to say you’re mine honey i’d walk through fire for you just let me adore you oh honey i’d walk through fire for you just let me adore you like it’s the only thing i’ll ever do. )

13. OURS de taylor swift ( so don’t you worry your pretty little mind people throw rocks at things that shine and life makes love look hard the stakes are high, the water’s rough but this love is ours. )

14. NEVER BE ALONE de shawn mendes ( take a piece of my heart and make it all your own so when we are apart you’ll never be alone you’ll never be alone you’ll never be alone when you miss me close your eyes i may be far but never gone when you fall asleep tonight just remember that we lay under the same stars. )

15. YOU ARE IN LOVE de taylor swift ( you can hear it in the silence (silence), silence (silence) you can feel it on the way home (way home), way home (way home) you can see it with the lights out (lights out), lights out (lights out) you are in love, true love you are in love. )

16. YOU’RE MINE de lea michele ( and i told you all my dreams and fears and you looked at me and your eyes filled with tears and you said those three words i’ve been waiting for you became a part of me, yeah you’re mine, for life and i’ll be by your side we are entwined you’re mine, for life hold me until we die i’m yours and you are mine. )

17. MR. LOVERBOY de little mix ( loving you feels so right from the way you kiss me and how you hold me tight, no and every day with you is a surprise you put a smile on my fase don’t ever wanna have to say goodbye. )

18. IF I CAN’T HAVE YOU de shawn mendes ( i can’t write one song that’s not about you can’t drink without thinking about you is it too late to tell you that everything means nothing if i can’t have you? )

19. DIRTY LAUNDRY de all time low ( nobody’s perfect i confess but she’s perfect enough without ever dressing up yeah dirty laundry is piling in her room she’s got her secrets yeah i got mine too i don’t care about what you did only care about what we do dirty laundry looks good on you. )

20. TINY LOVE de mika ( our kind of love it gets better everyday crazy colors in the gray, our love tiny love, it’s a tiny love. )

21. ENCHANTED de taylor swift ( and it was enchanting to meet you all i can say is i was enchanted to meet you this night is sparkling, don’t you let it go i’m wonderstruck, blushing all the way home i’ll spend forever wondering if you knew i was enchanted to meet you. )

22. TRULY MADLY DEEPLY de one direction ( like all those days and weeks and months i tried to steal a kiss and all those sleepless nights and daydreams where i pictured this, i’m just the underdog who finally got the girl and i am not ashamed to tell it to the world truly, madly, deeply, i am foolishly, completely falling and somehow you kicked all my walls in so baby, say you’ll always keep me truly, madly, crazy, deeply in love with you in love with you. )

23. NERVOUS de shawn mendes ( i get a little bit nervous around you get a little bit stressed out when i think about you get a little excited baby, when i think about you, yeah talk a little too much around you (i talk a little too much, yeah) get a little self-conscious when i think about you (i get a little self-conscious) get a little excited (i get a little excited) baby, when i think about you, yeah yeah, when i think about you, babe. )

24. HEARTS DON’T BREAK AROUND HERE de ed sheeran ( she is the sweetest thing that i know you should see the way she holds me when the lights go low shakes my soul like a pot hole, every time took my heart upon a one way trip guess she went wandering off with it unlike most women i know this one will bring it back whole daisies, daisies perched upon your forehead oh my baby, lately i know that every night i’ll kiss you you’ll say in my ear oh we’re in love aren’t we? hands in your hair, fingers and thumbs baby i feel safe when you’re holding me near love the way that you conquer your fear you know hearts don’t break around here oh yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah. )

25. MI VIDA ENTERA de morat ( y es que al fin si te casas con un loco vas a ver que es la magia poco a poco no podrás distinguir entre besos y palabras un te quiero no me alcanza dame todo, di que sí y si bailamos, tan solo bailamos y si tus pies nuestra historia escribieran como si fuera este el final de un cuento y nadie más en el mundo existiera. )

26. DELICATE de taylor swift ( is it cool that i said all that? is it chill that you’re in my head? 'cause i know that it’s delicate (delicate) is it cool that i said all that? is it too soon to do this yet? 'cause i know that it’s delicate isn’t it? isn’t it? isn’t it? isn’t it? isn’t it? isn’t it? isn’t it? isn’t it? delicate. )

27. CONTIGO SIEMPRE de sebastian yatra y alejandro fernández ( le doy gracias al destino por cruzarte en mi camino no sé qué sería de mi vida si conmigo tú no estuvieras hoy no hay nada más hermoso qué acompañarte a cada momento momentos bueno o malos siguen firmes mis sentimientos por ti no cambian sabes muy bien que a lado tuyo tuyo quiero estar en un futuro. )

28 YOUR LOVE de little mix ( deeper than oceans, the sweetest devotion, it’s all i need you pull me close and there’s no way that i can describe what your love make me feel like, oh your love make me feel like, oh your love make me feel like, oh dirty dancing in the moonlight that’s what your love make me feel like, oh your love make me feel like, oh your love make me feel like, oh come and kiss me like the first time that’s what your love make me feel like. )

29. WAKE ME UP de ed sheeran ( and you will never know just how beautiful you are to me but maybe i’m just in love when you wake me up. )

30. LOVER de taylor swift ft. shawn mendes ( can i go where you go? can we always be this close forever and ever? and ah, take me out and take me home (forever and ever) you’re my, my, my, my lover ladies and gentlemen, will you please stand? with every guitar string scar on my hand i take this magnetic force of a man to be my lover my heart’s been borrowed and yours has been blue all’s well that ends well to end up with you swear to be over-dramatic and true to my lover and you’ll save all your dirtiest jokes for me and at every table, i’ll save you a seat lover. )

31. NO HAY NADIE MÁS de sebastian yatra ( recuerdo aquel día como si fuera hoy no hay nada como ella ni siquiera me encontró recuerdo todavía la vez que la besé fue mi primer amor y ahora escribo su canción hay algo más, inexplicable como su mirada inigualable como la manera en que me cela y trata de disimular que no está mal voy a cuidarte por las noches, voy a amarte sin reproches te voy a extrañar en la tempestad y aunque existan mil razones para renunciar no hay nadie más (no hay nadie más.) )

32. THE WAY I LOVED YOU de taylor swift ( he is sensible and so incredible and all my single friends are jealous he says everything i need to hear and it’s like i couldn’t ask for anything better he opens up my door and i get into his car and he says you look beautiful tonight and i feel perfectly fine. )

33. STARLIGHT de taylor swift ( i said, “oh my, what a marvelous tune” it was the best night, never would forget how we moved. the whole place was dressed to the nines, and we were dancing, dancing like we’re made of starlight like we’re made of starlight. )

34. LEGO HOUSE de ed sheeran ( i’m gonna pick up the pieces and build a lego house if things go wrong we can knock it down my three words have two meanings but there’s one thing on my mind it’s all for you. )

35. KING OF MY HEART de taylor swift ( i’m perfectly fine, i live on my own i made up my mind, i’m better off being alone we met a few weeks ago now you try on calling me, baby, like trying on clothes salute to me i’m your american queen and you move to me like i’m a motown beat and we rule the kingdom inside my room 'cause all the boys and their expensive cars with their range rovers and their jaguars never took me quite where you do and all at once, you are the one i have been waiting for king of my heart, body and soul, ooh whoa and all at once, you are all i want, i’ll never let you go king of my heart, body and soul, ooh whoa. )

36. PERFECT de ed sheeran ( baby, i’m dancing in the dark with you between my arms barefoot on the grass listening to our favourite song when you said you looked a mes i whispered underneath my breath but you heard it, darling, you look perfect tonight. )

37. CALL IT WHAT YOU WANT de taylor swift ( my baby’s fit like a daydream walking with his head down i’m the one he’s walking to so call it what you want, yeah call it what you want to my baby’s fly like a jet stream high above the whole scene loves me like i’m brand new (call it what you want, call it what you want, call it) so call it what you want, yeah call it what you want to i want to wear his initial on a chain round my neck chain round my neck not because he owns me but 'cause he really knows me which is more than they can say, i i recall late november, holding my breath slowly i said, “you don’t need to save me but would you run away with me?” yes (would you run away?) )

38. WRITE YOUR NAME de selena gomez ( take my arm, take my hand make your mark like a man write your name, gonna write your name hurts so good, love and pain when all fades, you remain write your name, gonna write your name write your name across my heart write your name over every part and we could be worlds apart write your name across my heart. )

39. DON’T GO BREAKING MY HEART de backstreet boys ( i’m not that kind of person who can fall in and out of love with you that’s not what love’s supposed to do i’m not that kind of person who can fall in and out of love with you that’s not what love’s supposed to do baby, don’t go breaking my heart, breaking my heart. )

40. ¿DÓNDE ESTABAS TÚ? de danna paola ( antes de encontrarte yo dude si él amor se había hecho para mi hasta que llegaste pude ver por primera vez al corazón latir has cambiado todo en segundos me has dado un nuevo rumbo y aquí soy feliz aunque este mundo pronto deje de girar y las estrellas ya no vuelvan a brillar a ti yo me aferrare, te amaré no importa que habrá después aunque la vida entera tenga que entregar juro que nunca nada nos separará porque me has dado luz, un cielo azul y dime, ¿dónde estabas tú? ¿dónde estabas tú? )

41. CREO EN TI de reik ( creo en ti y en este amor que me vuelve indestructible que detuvo mi caída libre creo en ti y mi dolor se quedo kilómetros atrás mis fantasmas hoy por fin están en paz el pasado es un mal sueño que acabó un incendio que en tus brazos se apagó cuando estaba a medio paso de caer mis silencios se encontraron con tu voz te seguí y reescribiste mi futuro es aquí mi único lugar seguro. )

42. ALL ABOUT US de he is we ( ‘cause lovers dance when they’re feelin’ in love spotlight’s shinin’ it’s all about us it’s all about us and every heart in the room will melt this is a feeling i’ve never felt but it’s all about us suddenly, i’m feeling brave i don’t know what’s got into me why i feel this way can we dance real slow? can i hold you can i hold you close? )

╰  ❄  feliz navidad y año nuevo, ale.

—; de: dannie ( @the-raven-guy​​ )

—; para: ale ( @fitzgeraldxg​​ )

Ale: 

Hola bebe ¿como estas? espero que estés muy bien, pues por aquí ando yo con la bonita sorpresa que soy uno de tus santas secretos y con nada mas y nada menos que la hermosa de Grace. Creo que no te he agradecido lo suficiente por traer esta niña al dash y por la hermosa SHIP que son Grace y Jacob. Por eso mismo cuando vi tu lista dije tengo que hacer algo sobre ellos y que mejor que un fanmix de si 42 canciones que me recuerdan a ellos y que son tan soft que son ellos (la 22 spotify me odia y no esta pero te deje un link). Espero en verdad disfrutes estas canciones que seleccione con amor.

Sabes que te quiero mucho, amo nuestros ships con todo mi corazón. Y que siempre puedes contar conmigo para todo. Te mando un beso y un abrazo enorme y espero hayas pasado una navidad hermosa y un año nuevo muy bonito y que te deseo lo mejor en este 2020.

Con mucho amor, 

                                            — dannie. 🎅

[oddsandendsandthings]

Did somebody say Pokémon AU??

I honestly have no clue if this has been done or not. But here' what I'd think a Pokémon AU would look like complete with Pokémon teams.

So for the most part everything follows the show with the added bonus of Pokémon being a thing. The Magnus Institute exists to investigate and catalogue paranormal and supernatural experiences that fall outside the range of regular Pokémon shenanigans. So in the beginning, Jon is an even more cynical ass that chalks everything up to being just typical ghost Pokémon messing with people. But there are greater forces at work that fall outside of even Arceus's range of understanding. And there is more to fear than just Pokémon lurking in the shadows.

Jon: He wasn't like most kids with grand dreams of being a Pokémon master. He was and still is much more content reading a book than training Pokémon. All the ones in his team caught him more than the other way around which is really just par for the course for Jon really. He also can’t be bothered to name any of them.

Absol: It just started following him after the brush with the Leitner and just refused to leave. It tries to warn Jon about bad situations but the man has zero self-preservation instincts. Essentially acts like a beleaguered mom looking after her self destructive toddler.

Rotom: It really just kinda came with the tape recorder.

Unknown: Jon didn't intentionally catch it. The unknown just live in the Archives and made themselves at home in his office until one finally just tapped into a pokeball conveniently left on his desk. It likes helping him find real statements in the Archives and tries to work with its brethren and Absol to warn Jon about incoming dangers. He’s just too buried in statements to see ominous warnings literally floating above his head.

Buneary: It was the first and only Pokemon he ever purposefully caught. It hated him when he caught it and it still hates his guts now but they both refuse to let the other go out of spite. Tim gets a kick about teasing him about it.

Purugly: His first pokemon given to him when his grandma's purugly had kittens. It spends all its time skulking around the archives just doing cat things.

Chandelure: He caught it in the woods as a litwik as a kid and used it as a reading light. He doesn't believe in the stories surrounding them stealing your life force but it definitely does and he’s just too hyped on caffeine to notice.

Martin: I imagine Martin as the breeder type who loves to nurture Pokémon from eggs and just overly spoil his entire team. He of course names all his pokemon after Romantic poets.

Joltik:  Used to belong to Jon before he gave it away after the Leitner incident. He really just kinda threw the ball as far as he could and it hit Martin upside the head. Jon doesn't realize that Martin was that kid or that that Joltik was his and it makes both of them very sad. The only pokemon he hasn’t named since he doesn’t know what Jon named it and it didn’t feel right to change it.

Araquanid: He named it Byron after Lord Byron. Pokémon who, depending on who you ask, either drowns unsuspecting Pokémon or cares for them. Fits Martin to a T if you ask me and he would take pity on a poor, misunderstood spider.

Sylveon: He named it Felicia after Felicia Hemans. He raised it from an egg he found in the backyard. It was also his first Pokemon period that he hid in his room because his mom didn't want any Pokémon in the house. When she did find it she begrudgingly allowed it. She always seemed to dote on it more than she ever did Martin himself...

Klefki: Named it Will after William Wordsworth. This little guy is half the reason Martin is able to get into half the places he does.

Chansey: Named Keats. Another Pokemon raised from an egg, it is just as doting as Martin is to the others in the archives. It is also consequently the most powerful member on his team.

Zorua: Named Percy after Percy Shelley. He initially thought he was catching a volpix when he caught it. He bonded with it over having to hide who he truly is too. It is the overprotective guard dog he deserves that no one realizes how dangerous it truly is.

Tim: his team is comprised of beautiful Pokémon that can absolutely kick anyone's ass at a moments notice. They are all as salty as they are beautiful. He names his pokemon after famous actors and actresses.

Roserade: Named Angelina after Angelina Jolie, it was the first Pokemon he ever caught, the two are a dazzling duo charming anyone that crosses their path.

Yamask: It showed up and started hanging around him after his brother was taken by the Stranger. After that, he knew without a shadow of a doubt his brother was dead. He dotes on it constantly because of it despite how much it creeps others out. He, of course, named it Danny.

Milotic: Named Kiera after Kiera Knightly, he evolved it from a feebas he hatched from an egg. He still treats it like his baby.

Lopunny: It was his first Pokémon. His brother gave it to him as a gift and he took it as a challenge to get it to like him enough to evolve. He named it Audrey after Audrey Hepburn.

Liepard: Its stealthy nature is extremely helpful when scouting locations and doing research for the institute. It also hates Jon as much as Tim does. He named it Jackman after Hugh Jackman.

Diancie: He inherited it from his bro after his passing. Danny found it while exploring an old cave and used to travel everywhere with him. It and Danny are still inseparable. Its name is Mila after Mila Kunis.

Basira: Her team is as practical as she is. They are all extremely powerful and could easily take down the entire league if she wanted to. She just doesn’t want to. Her no-nonsense attitude means she just doesn’t see the point in naming any of her pokemon.

Arcanine: What's a cop without their traditional canine companion? Her arcanine fell in love with Daisy's before they even had a clue they were made for each other and set them up in a very 101 Dalmatian style.

Serperior: Her first pokemon given to her from the local pokemon professor. They share the same unimpressed icy stare.

Mightyena: They are truly cut from the same cloth and is honestly more of her partner than her official partner.

Alolan Ninetails: Her strongest Pokémon and her fiercest protector. It loves playing mind games with people.

Umbreon (evolved during the Raynor incident. It seems especially keen on picking up on paranormal activities making it very useful to have on hand)

Mewtwo (cause if anyone has a legendary Pokémon, it's Basira. She caught it during one of the section cases she took and just didn't tell anyone)

Daisy: She is the “gotta collect them all” type of pokemon hunter. She catches any new pokemon she comes across and sends them to the local professor cause she has to fill that pokedex.

Arcanine: Second verse same as the first with this one of being a staple of being a police officer. It will look for any excuse to burn someone. The only person it likes besides Daisy is Basira and her Arcanine.

Houndoom: Her first pokemon she got as a houndour. She terrorized the neighborhood kids with it and is essential for her hunting down both new pokemon and perps. 

Treevant: She caught it as a phantump after it showed up as she was looking into a cold case. At least if she never was able to file an official report, she at least knew how the case ended.

Sawsbuck: She caught it as a deerling and was the first pokemon she ever caught. What kinda hunter hasn’t caught a deer right?

Espurr: She got it after the whole coffin incident. She just kinda cam across it by chance and felt a kinship with it about having to restrain a flood of overwhelming power it holds.

Lyanroc Midnight form: It is as vicious as she is when in full Hunt mode. 

Melanie: She is the one type kinda trainer and it’s, of course, ghost types. She is determined to prove the paranormal exists outside of ghost type pokemon.

Gengar: It was the Pokémon that started her fascination with ghosts and the first Pokémon she ever had.

Honedge: She found it when looking into that ghost train and couldn’t not catch it. When she’s threatening to stab someone, she uses honedge to do so.

Sableye: Found in an abandoned, haunted mine shaft.

Banette: Cause what kinda ghost hunter doesn’t have a haunted doll?

Gourgeist: She caught it as a pumpkaboo on her very first ghost hunting trip.

Spiritomb: Caught it poking around the wrong place at the wrong time she came across it and had to catch it cause if anyone would have a spiritomb, it would be her. It’s just as bloodthirsty as she is.

Sasha: Do I mean this team was made by Sasha or Not-Sasha? The answer is yes.

Mimikyu: The first pokemon she ever caught. Wait... wasn’t it supposed to be a pikachu?

Ditto: This one just speaks for itself.

Baynette: After she caught it she started reading up on the stories and pores surrounding certain Pokémon that put her on the path of working at the institute.

Gothitelle: It started crying nearly immediately after Sasha started working for the Institute but didn't buy into the wives tale about them predicting their trainer's deaths. It mysteriously disappeared after the Prentis incident.

Claydol: She found it wandering around artifact storage and felt bad for it.

Parasect: Her first pokemon. She really just found it as a paras in her parents' backyard as a kid and begged them to let her keep it. It evolved during the Prentis incident while trying to help her fend off the worms.

[lanamemories]

scapegoat | self para

Lana hadn’t spoken to her brother Caleb for almost three months.

It wasn’t for a lack of trying, though. She’d easily called him over a hundred times, in the span of that duration. Sent quadruple that, in texts. 

She’d even tried to email him, once or twice, feeling a little like she was stuck inside of a time warp, materialised in the dingy office cubicle of a tall building in the noughties. 

That was why, seeing him trudge up the Alpha Nu driveway after he’d sent her a lone sentence stating he was coming to visit, out of the blue, she couldn’t even wait until he reached the front door to run out and throw her arms around him.

“God, I missed you. I missed you, I missed you, I missed you. Missed you so much,” she got out in a pathetic choke against his shoulder, fingers scrunching up whatever fabric they could into fistfuls, clutching so tight she was almost straining the seams. Coaxing out rips.

His arms remained limp for almost a whole minute until a hand came up to offer a hesitant pat to the back of her head, eyes slipping shut for only a second before he promptly cleared his throat.

“Strangling me, a bit.”

“Sorry,” Lana practically gasped out, short for oxygen like the sight of him alone had winded her. When she pulled back, she had to tug up the cuff of her sleeve and blearily swipe along her lower lashes, spluttering out an embarrassed laugh at the fact she’d managed to well up that much, that fast. “Sorry, I just... Let’s go inside, okay? Let’s go inside.”

He let her lead him by the hand up the stairs -- hers clutching tight, his completely lax -- until she could click her bedroom door shut, letting go of him and gesturing a hand out like a tour guide. 

“Voila! This is, um...” A sniff, to subtly compose herself. “This is my room.”

With iridescent pink netting strung up above her bed like a canopy, cushions everywhere, and window panes covered in personally cut strips of cellophane, all a different colour to emulate a cathedral’s stained glass, it looked like somebody had taken a bucket full of Lana and drenched the room in it, dripping from ceiling to carpet. 

Caleb gave a brief glance around, eyes lingering on a framed photo of her and Tommy crouching and holding up peace signs besides a drunkenly comatose Caleb, before nodding once.

“It’s nice.”

Wordlessly, he moved towards the window. Bowed his head a little, to glance through a gap in her self made rainbow. 

Padding to her bed, Lana leapt up to take a seat on the velvet throw on top. 

“Where’ve, um...” trailed off, nerves ramping up until it felt like her heart was a fist in her throat. She studied the back of him. The broad slouch of his shoulders, like he couldn’t find the energy to pick them back up again. “Where’ve you been, Caleb? I tried--... I called, like, a bunch of times. Kind of... an insane amount, you know?” Wetting her lips as he didn’t move a muscle, she shifted slightly. It felt like she was doing something wrong, somehow, by bringing it up. Invalidating a sacred treaty they’d signed with quills dipped in blood. An ancient bind, not meant for breaking. “The... police, um... They said they called, too. From the hospital.”

“Did they find him?” 

His voice sounded disconnected. The dial tone after the line goes dead. 

Lana’s eyes dropped to her hands, thumbs fretting over a thread unravelling from her blanket. She started weaving it around her index finger.

“Yeah. Yeah, they found Danny. Our, um--... His friend Trent turned him in. He was staying at his parent’s townhouse, upstate, or something. Think they were away. But he’s--... He’s out, now, so.” Offering a nonsensical smile, tight at the edges, Lana’s gaze remained averted in spite of the fact he’d turned to face her. “So, yeah. He’s out on bail.”

“Well, that’s fucking bullshit,” Caleb stated, as blunt as a hammer to a nail. She could feel his eyes on her, drilling holes. Gauging her reaction. “He’s not allowed on campus, is he? Cops got measures in place?”

Nodding instantly, she continued her fidgeting. 

“Yeah, he’s not. He’s, um... A lot of his friends are, though, so it’s kind of...” Gulping, she attempted to let out a laugh to diffuse the tension in her voice. “It’s been a lot, I guess. It’s just been kind of a lot.”

“I’m sorry,” he stated after a long pause, arms uncrossing so he could itch at the inner crevice of his elbow. “For not... being here.”

“It’s okay,” Lana insisted, eyes flying to study his face for the guilt she could easily spot on it, hiding in all of the nooks and crannies that he thought nobody else knew about. “It’s okay, you’re here, now.” A smile tugged on her lips at the corners, gentle and unassuming. The innocent kind, that could only be born from loving somebody that much. “That’s all that really matters.”

Nodding slightly, Caleb forced down a hard swallow before pushing up from the window ledge he’d been leaning against. “Lana, that’s... I have to... ask you something, actually. That’s why I’m....” trailed off, voice oddly vacant, almost as if he was steeling himself for something. Working up the nerve. “Have to ask something.”

Eyebrows pinching, Lana tilted her head like a dog that had just caught wind of a foreign screech at the back of the garden. Her concern was instant.

“What is it? Is everything okay? Do you want... Do you want to sit?” Bouncing lightly in a bid to create enough room, Lana patted a couple of times at her covers. “You can sit, if you need to. Come sit.”

“No, I don’t--... I don’t want to sit.” Dropping his eyes to his shoes with a sniff, Caleb shrugged. Couldn’t meet her gaze. Couldn’t look at how much admiration she had on her face, even now. “Look, I know this is fucking... weird, to ask, but I need to borrow some stuff. Some cash.”

A bewildered expression dawned on her face. She opened her mouth, then shut it again.

An awful feeling had started to twist in her gut. Slow realisation.

“You want... to borrow cash?”

“Yeah,” he confirmed quickly, still staring at a fixed point of the carpet. “Yeah, just a little. Just, erm... Two hundred, maybe? Do you have two hundred? I wouldn’t ask, but it’s rent, you know? It’s rent.”

Swallowing around a soft knot in her throat, Lana carried on staring at him.

Almost a minute passed before he lifted his chin, shot her a questioning look.

“What?”

“You need rent?” Voice small, she did her best not to let her disappointment show. “You came here for, um... You came here for rent?”

Silence.

“After, like... It’s been months. It’s been months, and you came here to ask me for rent?”

Letting out a breath he’d been holding at the sight of her lower lip trembling, Caleb shook his head.

“No, I came... Lana, I wanted to see you, this is just... I just needed to ask this, too. It’s a favour, you know? Help me get back on my fee--”

“Rent,” Lana repeated, cutting him off, throat strained with the effort it took to enunciate. “Caleb, I know where you’ve been staying. I know you’re crashing with Holden, and the other guys, at the warehouse. I know where you go to group. I know--... Do you think I’ve just, like... not thought about you? Not even--... Not checked up on you, at all? You don’t pay rent. You don’t pay rent, so what’s--...” trailed off, mouth gaping before she slipped up off the bed and rose to her feet. 

Stepped closer.

Studied his face, for the Caleb she knew in it.

Something clicked.

“Caleb, roll--... Can you roll up your sleeves?”

“What?” Exasperated exhale splitting his lips, he pulled a face and wafted a hand. “Lana, forget it. Fucking forget it, alright? Forget I asked.”

“No. No, roll up your sleeves.” She took another step. “Can you just do it? Can you just roll up your--”

He swat her hand away when it encroached upon his forearm, even just the lightest sift of her fingertips inciting some animal instinct to back into a corner.

“I said just fucking leave it, Lana. Fucking--”

In a scrabble to yank up the material for herself, she almost lost her footing in his shove that followed. Knocked her tailbone against the edge of her bed. Pushed up to her feet, chest rising fast with adrenaline as she closed back in. 

“You’re using.” It came out more like a fact than a question, eyes flitting frantically between his. “Caleb, you’re using? You’re--... God. God,” she exhaled, so harsh and fast that it made something sting. “How long? How long have--... And you came here to--... You came here to borrow money? For what? Do you owe something?” 

He was adamantly avoiding her gaze, busy smoothing his sleeve back into place after the scuffle. By the way he straightened to his feet, it seemed like he was planning on leaving. Fleeing the aftermath post detonation, to avoid any pieces of shrapnel.

“Do you owe someone something? Is it--... Are you in trouble?”

“It’s fucking fine, Lana. It’s fine, I’ve got it under control.”

“You don’t. You don’t have it under control, you look--... Caleb, you look so tired.” Her voice wobbled slightly. “You look really, really tired.”

“Gee, thanks. Great for my ego, that.”

“It’s not funny! It’s not funny, Caleb!” The volume had soared with how adamantly she was insisting it, voice feeling like a piece of paper violently balled up and tossed inside a trash can, torn and creased beyond comprehension. Maybe she was tired, too. “You’re not--... God, you’re not okay. You’re--... Can you stay? You can stay, for the night, or something. Please, Caleb. You can stay.”

“Fucking--... Lana, I’m not your fucking kid. You don’t have to baby me, all the time. This is--... This is the shit I was sick of, you know? This is why I didn’t call. I’m sick of you acting like you have to take care of me, all the time. You don’t.” In a blink, he’d closed their distance. Grit the next part out, into her face. “I’m the big brother, remember? I’m the one that--”

“The one that what?” Blinking profusely, Lana’s feet felt rooted in place. Encased in cement. “The one that what? I don’t--... I’m not trying to baby you, okay? I’m just worried. I haven’t heard from you in months, and now--... You’ve lost weight,” she realised, hand reaching up with the aim of cupping his cheek, feeling the shallow sink beneath the bone there that was usually padded out slightly, cushioned by a reluctant smile in childhood. Her voice went small, afraid of his inevitable answer. “Please stay. We can work it out, okay? We can fix it, I promise.”

“Fix it?” He managed, delirious laugh coughed out as it caught him off guard. He shrank from her touch, hand performing another swat. “You think you can fix this, Lana? You think--... You think there’s anything left to fix? Fucking--... Look at me.” His jaw was trembling. “Look at me. Would you fucking look at me?”

“You’re still you. Caleb, you’re still--... Please,” she insisted, not even sure what it was that she was begging for, at this point. “Please, Caleb, I want you to stay.”

“What about what I want? What about what I fucking--... Shit, Lana, do you even get it? Do you even fucking get it, at all? I can’t do this. I can’t be whatever fucked up idea you have in your head, of who I’m meant to be. I can’t come running, when things happen. I can’t be that for you.”

“I know that. Don’t you think I know that?” Anger was such a foreign emotion to Lana that it took time to realise that was what was bubbling up inside her, a dam burst open after years of stuffing corks in every breach. “I’m not asking you to be anything. I never ask you to be--... I never ask for anything, Caleb. For years, I haven’t--... I don’t ask. I don’t ask, I just want you to be okay. I really just want you to be okay. And you can’t--... You’re not angry at me, okay? You’re not, so don’t. Don’t take it out on me. It isn’t... It isn’t fair.”

“I’m not angry at you? I’m not fucking--...” His voice fell short, eyes snapping up to meet hers as his voice trembled to an excruciating volume. “I’m angry at everything, Lana. I’m fucking angry, all the time! I’m fucking angry! At. Everything. All the time. All the fucking--... You don’t think I’m angry at you?” he questioned, stare hard. “You don’t think I’m fucking exhausted, from all the times--... I slept at the bottom of your bed, Lana. I slept with my eyes fucking open. You remember that? You remember getting to sleep, getting to fucking dream away, while I was up all night, watching the door? Do you fucking remember?”

“...I, um--... No,” fell below her breath, knees threatening to tremor. “Sometimes, yeah, but--... No.”

“No, and you know why? Because you got to fucking sleep. You got to sleep, while I watched the door. While I made sure those fucking pricks didn’t--... I’m exhausted. I’m fucking exhausted, and I can’t always be sleeping at the end of your bed. I can’t fucking look after you, all the fucking time.”

“I’m not asking for that. I never--...” Swallowing, Lana forced her chin to lift. Shoulders to tense, like she had any modicum of courage at all in the face of a Caleb so cold, she almost didn’t recognise him. “I was--... I was in that house, too. It was you and me. You and me,” she insisted, like if she kept repeating the phrase, she’d make a break through, somehow. Excavate the part of him that wasn’t so scary. “It was always you and me, don’t you get it? I didn’t--... I didn’t ask for them to--... I didn’t want to live there, either. I was scared, too.”

His expression stilled, slightly. Chapped lips were left damp by the irritable press of his tongue, as his head shook. 

“It’s not the same. You don’t fucking get it, alright?”

“I don’t get it?” she repeated, voice incredulous. “I don’t... get it? I--...” Falling silent, Lana had to swallow twice in order to compose enough to speak. “What do you think happened when you left, Caleb? Where do you think I lived? A cave, somewhere? What, you think I just... Just turned into a bird, and flew away? I was there. I was right there. I didn’t have you. I didn’t have Tommy. I had--... I had that house, and empty rooms, and mom, and dad, and--...” She swallowed again. A third time. 

“And that’s my fault, is it? That’s my fault, for wanting to get the fuck out of there?”

“No,” Lana said, resisting the urge to rectify the blur to her vision. Smear a sleeve over her eyes, again. “No, because I don’t blame you. I could never--... God, I could never blame you, and that’s the difference. You weren’t a burden, to me. You’ve never been a burden, to me.”

The quiet in the room spoke volumes.

“But I guess that’s not--... I guess that’s why we’re different. Because I don’t blame you, for leaving. But you--... You blame me, right? For needing--... Because you had to look after me? You blame me?” 

Caleb shook his head in disagreement, but the fact that he didn’t pipe up with anything hardly provided a believable objection.

“Right,” Lana broke the silence after what felt like an eternity, inhaling sharply. Her chest felt tight. “Right, um... Right, well. It was nice of you to--... It was nice of you to come check on me. Really nice of you to--... Cool that you care, I guess. That’s really cool.”

“You know that’s not...” trailed off, Caleb’s hands stiff as they stuffed into his pockets. “You know I care about you, Lana. That’s not what I’m fucking trying to say.”

“You have, like... You have a really weird way of showing it. You know that?” came accompanied by a nod, gloss in her eyes more obvious with every slightest jostle. “You have a really weird way of showing it.”

“Yeah.” Bowing his head, he stared at the carpet for a few seconds before righting his posture. “I should... go.”

“No, you don’t--... You don’t have to. You don’t--... You don’t have to go, Caleb. Please. You don’t.”

Floorboard creaking as he plotted his next step, he gently coaxed her head close so that he could press a fleeting kiss to the top of her head, lips clenched still as they mussed against all of that auburn.

He was already by the door again by the time her head snapped up, eyes desperate as they watched him reach a hand to the door knob. At her voice, he froze.

“I was just a kid, you know? I never meant for you to--... I was just... a kid. I didn’t mean to be--... I was a kid.”

“Yeah,” he replied, eyes flitting up to catch hers in a split second blur. Probably the last time she’d see him again, for a long time, if he had any say about it. “I was, too.”

Wrenching the door open, he was halfway down the staircase before she appeared at the banister, clutching onto the wood as she dangled over, far, to catch enough of a glimpse of him.

“I’ll send you the money. I’ll send it, if you stay.”

Looking up at her with a strained sigh, paused four steps from finding his exit, Caleb simply shook his head and then carried on walking.

The door clicked shut, but she didn’t budge a muscle. She stared at the place he’d been standing for the longest time.

When she got back into her room, she opened her banking app and sent him the cash.

[emilioathanas]

suspicion of murder. || self-para

tw mature content, not for the faint of heart (as always).

JUNE 2ND, 11.45PM. THE NIGHT OF THE SHOOTING. @ THE ATHANAS HOUSE.

The night was hot and stuffy, the old door of the house ajar. It seemed that even when nobody was home, visitors were invited to come as they pleased. When their Father had been alive, most of the children would not have dared to pass through their own home the way that these strangers seemed to feel they were entitled to. There were names she did not recognise and faces she had never known constantly blurring with her memories of a house where she had grown up under the impression that she was the families curse. That had been her role.

The empty halls didn’t speak to her, as they never had before. Nobody did. The house was as empty as her fraudulent siblings and the stories they always told. Her bag was heavy but her partner in crime had not responded to a message since the start of that weekend and she understood, maybe there was good reason for that. She had planned what she would do, mulled over each detail with great excitement but nobody could ever share her plans, her dreams, her love for excitement that made her hair stand on end. She was alone. As she always had been, even though there existed a half of her that had arrived into this world at almost the very same time -- he was not cut out for this. 

She unloaded her bag onto her bed, the childlike bed sheets unchanged. She had lived there so many year but not one inch of decoration had changed from the day she arrived. The bag clattered, emptying with a frightening sound onto her bed that summoned the sound of barking, “Oh, shut up, Helios,” she told the dog that had appeared. It was unusual that he would bark at her, they had their little secrets after all, the many times she had lingered around that house and he had never raised the alarm. It was only when she turned to him that she noticed hanging around his neck a piece of black thread with one beady glass eye dangling from it plastered in blood. “Here, boy,” she was not alarmed. She dropped to her knees on the creaky old floorboards and untangled the thread and examined it in the darkness of the room. She recognised it immediately; Her puppy.

She found the spot where it had once sat, on her empty shelf and her fingertips touched the empty space, teeth gritted. All at once she was overcome by rage and the glass eyeball and the thread slammed against the empty spot. It seemed like all that was stolen from her would never be enough. This was a game and she was losing. That toy had held more importance to her than anyone had understood... But now somebody knew, and they were playing with her. They knew she had shared all her secrets with that stupid fake dog. It was irreplaceable. 

Grabbing a hammer from her bed, she marched out of the door and slammed it behind her, trapping Helios and his barking behind it for a number of reasons. She charged down the stairs and to the basement which had been locked for the duration of their recent stay. She swung, once, the lock clattered to the ground emptily. Perhaps she knew that was too easy but she didn’t care, she needed to know what was inside.

All at once, all her rage was washed away with confusion as the door pushed open easily to an almost empty room. Fixed to the wall were a few old photographs of the children in the first year of their lives in the house, in one corner were piled cardboard boxes filled with memorabilia, and that was all.  Or at least that’s what she thought until she walked in and turned on the light... And then she realised that wasn’t all at all. Blood was splattered over Ace and Belva’s pictures, blood was splattered over the floors, blood was splattered over the old floorboards and it wasn’t neat and tidy like she imagined Dad’s blood, it wasn’t satisfying at all, it was just another mystery that she couldn’t solve. 

Her shoes were dipped in blood, a sickly red coating attached to her soles and the sound of a door slamming upstairs made her drop the hammer she had been holding, a thud as it fell into the puddle of blood. She bent down to pick it up but it just covered her fingertips trying to pick it back up,

The door burst open, a door that had been locked for so long until now. This wasn’t a coincidence, the police weren’t here because they’d figured out something else was going on by themselves. She almost laughed at the irony that they probably thought they finally understood what was going on here but they’d been led to the wrong answer, because she was not the killer. She would admit it now if she was. 

She raised her hands, letting out a bitter laugh, “Don’t worry, I won’t resist... Unless you want me to.”

[alcnama]

                                                  PARA #02.

Para Inspiration: Pain by Yungeen Ace.

Things like this was what brought these two closer. The bond she never had with her daughter but instead, she was bonding with her granddaughter. It haunted Liliana at times, having to think about two women that she truly loved and cared for. She didn’t want anything to happen to them. It was a challenge to say that her only daughter had revolved her life around drugs and the cold world that she constantly warned her about. There was still hope though. A lot of hope for Alana Chanel Thomas and she often warned her to never allow such a thing take over her life or change the way she acted towards the one’s she said she loved. Love was promised but never given and she tried her best to recover that love her daughter never gave to Alana.

      “Granny, you really made that lady move her car just so you could park. Yeen have to be like that.”    The teenager released a simper while she assisted her grandmother on bringing the groceries into the home. Resting the last few of bags down onto the kitchen floor, Alana began to un-bag the groceries and place them where they belonged. For the past weeks, it had only been Alana and Lily around the house. No sight or sound from Caprice. Alana’s father. It bothered Liliana because she knew exactly what he was doing and the truth is, she no longer desired him living under her roof because of it.

     “Lana, now you know what that lady did was rude as hell.” Liliana responded just as she began helping the teen with putting up the groceries. It took some time for them to eliminate all the bags and goodies that was brought but they accomplished it anyhow. With a smile gracing Alana’s grandmother’s facial, she leaned her frame against the counter and propped her hand at her hip. “You know what, you ain’t too bad like you use to be, Lana. It’s nice to see you grow into a mature and intelligent young lady. I just wanna tell ya’ that I love ya’ and I wish the best.... the very best for you. Be somebody one day and make ya’ old lady proud, you hea’?” Her words were so genuine and Alana couldn’t help the bright smile that appeared along her own features. Her small frame, peered around the kitchen counter and moved to wrap her arms around her grandmother, embracing her and soon planting a kiss against her grandmother’s cheek.

     “Awwww, granny. Thank you. I love you too and I appreciate you taking care of me.” Alana returned her thoughts just as the front door to the home opened and in came Caprice, Liliana’s son in law and Alana’s father. It seemed like the embrace had became tighter within seconds and Alana was confused by the quick tension between her grandmother and father. Her grandmother backed away from the embrace and kept her eyes glued to Caprice.

     “What y’all in hea’ doin’? ‘Lana I just seen ya’ mama. She asked how you was doin’.” Caprice announced coming into the kitchen as he shuffled through the mail that was in his hands. His eyes finally met up with Liliana’s and then to Alana who screwed her face. “Lili, what’s the problem now?” Caprice questioned dryly, tossing the mail onto the island.

“Nothing, you know not to speak about her while Lana’s ‘round.” Liliana brushed her feelings to the side and brought her main concern on Alana who seemed to have been triggered over the topic of her mother even bothering to reach out. Caprice kissed his teeth and just as he was about to say something, Lily cut him off. “DON’T say anything back, just respect what I said Capo.”

“That’s still her mama and that’s still my wife.” Caprice retorted as he gave Liliana a glare. Just before he left for those couple of weeks, he had been presenting behavior that Lily wasn’t too fond of and being that he told her half of things, it just didn’t seem to sit well with her. She had people around the neighborhood voice to her of the things that he did in betrayal to not only her but Alana. Those things he never seemed to mention when he came to her.

Alana kissed her own teeth, shaking her head at the words that left her father’s mouth. “That’s not my mama.” She fired back to him. It was just something that bothered her and he was fully aware of that. She was right, that wasn’t her mother.

Growing agitated with the whole conversation itself, Liliana wanted nothing more but to cut it short. Even if she constantly preached to Alana about disowning her mother, she always felt like the teen would never be the same again without her. “Alana, hush. Caprice, I really think it’s time for you to leave. Don’tcha think?”

“Nah, I just got hea’. I ain’t leaving till 5 so expect me tonight.” He replied and Alana squinted her eyes at her father. Something wasn’t adding up. From all the different emotions and the strong tension that the room held, she was uneasy about it especially about her father’s disappearance.

“Why you haven’t been here anyway? That’s real messed up of you. Yeen even call like wassup wit’ that?” The teenager questioned and she noticed how nonchalant her father was acting. Especially toward her, it made her mood shift.

“Work.”

“Daddy, you don’t even get paid enough to be working so late. Why you tellin’ a story?” Alana continued to bug her father. The same energy he was feeding her and her grandmother, she wanted to return right back to him.

“Alana, I really don’t feel like hearin’ yo’ mouth tonight. Just go up to yo’ room, ight?” Caprice retorted in attempts to get his daughter upstairs so that he could personally talk to Lilana who still wasn’t having it. With her body moving towards his, he watched her carefully because it had been times when Lily would explode and take her anger out on him. Him being a man, he never allowed himself to place his hands on her despite how piss he became.

“How about you leave like I just said. Damnit Caprice, do I have to call the police?” Liliana threatened this time. Alana was utterly confused and shook her head as she stood between the two. 

“Woah...Granny.. what’s really goin’ on? Why you want him gone so bad?” The teenager looked between her grandmother and her father. She had been doin’ so well and she felt like the relationship between her parent and her grandparent was crumbling fast.

“Yeah, where’s all this coming from, Lily?” Caprice tested.

“Your father is a fuckin’ liar.” Alana’s grandmother revealed, dropping her hands down to her side. This time she tried moving past Alana but the teen blocked the woman.

“Man Lily, stop smokin’ that dope man, I think it’s really gettin to ya.”

“Ain’t no dope gettin’ to me, you just ain’t an honest man like you say you are. Who has a kid and hides it from his family?  Huh? You’ve allowed that chile to be away from Alana for sixteen years and I don’t even know them my damn self. It’s a boy or a girl? Huh? Then you out givin’ money to Nettie so she can get a fix? Who the fuck do you think you are, Caprice? My OWN chile, your wife? You never loved her, you barely wanted to give the woman some help, gahdamnit. If it wasn’t for me, you would be on the streets right along wit’ her! You might even just be dead. How dare you. Don’t you see how all that bullshit affects me? Us? Huh? You don’t eva’ think about me or your fuckin’ child. I’m fifty four, what do I look like taking care of a teenager by myself? I’m getting old, does any of that ever click in your bald ass head? Yes, Alana is my granddaughter and I will give her the world but have that same mindset. I won’t be livin’ in this world for long. You dumb son of a bitch.” Alana’s grandmother released. It was like a breath of fresh air to her. Those tears she had been holding for so long had finally left her baggy eyes. Liliana was so fed up with everything and whether Alana or Caprice knew it, it was killing her. She was quickly dying from all the stress and pressure she was put under. It hurt her heart dearly when she failed at helping her daughter recover from drugs and now it felt like a stab to her back as the news of Caprice adding onto her addiction. The same person who he said he loved. Sniffling as she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, she pointed towards the door. “Get the hell outta my house and don’t come back unless you’re gettin’ your shit or givin money to Lana.” The woman ended just before moving into the den where she spent most of her time in.

Alana was so lost for words that she didn’t even realize that she was crying herself. So much pain at such an early age. So much confusion and betrayal. That’s all she ever felt when it came down to her family. She wanted nothing but to leave but she knew the only people that truly cared and supported her was her grandmother and her friends. So much anger was built and she had open opportunity to release it but she knew she was way better than that.

“....Lana.” Her father called out to her, his big brown eyes scanning over his little girl. He knew he had messed up but he didn’t think about all the consequences before hand.

“Man Capo.. real shit, just leave. You don’t belong here no more. That was a fuck nigga move. How you say you love somebody then you do that? You lied plus you showed nothing but fake love when it came down to mama. That ain’t yo’ wife. Who are you really?”

[tinysutton]

Last Night on Earth || Sutton Bonavitz Self Para #002

TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDE ATTEMPT

Two days back at Luxor was all it took for the magic of Disneyland to fade completely away, being replaced with the horrible darkness that seemed to be the only thing they knew in their life. Even the days spent at the amusement park were plagued with the darkness, simply masked by mouse ears and heat. Back alone in their quiet and private dorm room, the bleakness of their life they no longer wanted to live was all they knew. School had let out almost two months ago, yet not a single word from Mama or her assistant Lacey about coming home. It didn’t matter that Sutton knew Mama didn’t want them or Lucy around, she was still their guardian. It was still her responsibility to care for the twins. It was painful neglect for Mama to give them credit cards and expect them to fend for themselves at 16 years old. 

While at Disney, Sutton had gone on a bit of a shopping spree. Buying cute skirts and shirts, a few stuffed animals of their favourite characters to add to their small collection, even a pair of boots from the kids section that fit them. Now they stared at the bags in the common area through their open door, no longer feeling the joy they felt when they first bought them. Now they were simply weighed down by the idea of having to take all of the clothes down to the laundry room, wash them, bring them back up, fold them, and find places for them as well as the toys. With how many things they already had in their room, rearranging was bound to be needed. The idea of doing even one part of that made them dizzy. So their suitcases sat shut, sitting in the common area that they shared with nobody.

The trip to Disney--not that Sutton had an idea of what was going to happen--was a disappointment to say the least. Growing up, they had always thought that their twin would be beside them as they wandered around the park. For the most part, missing them had been a thought that simply lingered in the back of their mind, never being as much of a disturbance as it was on the trip. At every turn thought of Luke took over their every thought. While shopping for ears with Lav, they subconsciously found themself trying to pick out ears for their twin rather then for themself. While they wandered alone, they found themself turning to tell them to look at something amazing only to find the space beside them vacant. It was a habit Sutton had managed to break when they entered Lucifer’s life, practically stealing their twin away. By the time Sutton had been enrolled in the boarding school, they had accepted that Luke was no longer theirs. It was a strange feeling to feel themself looking for someone they knew was gone but unable to stop looking for them at every turn. Even as they boarded the plane to head back to New York, they still tried to find him at every turn. The feeling of being completely lost had swallowed them completely by the time they stepped off the plane at JFK. 

When it turned out Lucifer had been enrolled without warning, they were unsure of how to feel. Almost a year since they had seen each other last and the tension was still this as thick as ever. After the custody hearing a month or so ago, when they clung to each other for dear life, Sutton really believed things had changed. They hoped that when they went home for the summer, they could start to rebuild the bond they used to possess. Seeing them standing in their room, holding bags and a key to the dorm was not the reunion they had imagined. Following that initial conversation, Sutton had locked themself in their room, blasted a playlist of emotional music and cried.

A full day passed as Sutton hid in their room, door locked, music playing, not even moving from their bed, hearing Lucifer move all of his things into the dorm. Maybe they slept, maybe they stared into space, it wasn’t exactly clear. The entire time they brain never stopped working. With every thought that passed though their mind, they felt worse and worse. Every decision they ever made brought regret to mix in with the loneliness and darkness that surrounded them.

As the sun started setting the following night, Sutton had a new decision in their head. The thought alone was enough to bring them some comfort. No longer would they feel these awful emotions, live with these horrendous secrets. Nobody would miss them too much. Everyone would get over their death eventually. Hopefully it would be a quick and painless way to go.

The pills were in a small plastic baggie, stashed underneath their mattress. A few dozen pain killers they had got from various students around the school when they dislocated their shoulder a few weeks back. They had taken a few of them to knock back the pain, but most of them were far too strong, getting them far too high for their own liking.

Staring into the baggie at the tiny pills, their mind went straight to Leo. He had always been there for them when things got awful in the past. It never mattered if they were fighting or if they were broken up in the past. Setting the baggie on the nightstand, they picked up their phone, sending him a simple message.

Are you awake?

A few minutes ticked by slowly without any response. They sent him another text as tears began stinging their eyes. Even if he was sleeping, he would wake up to their texts.

I need you.

They stared at their phone, watching as the notification at the bottom of the message changed from delivered to read. Yet not text bubble popped up. Even as another minute went by and their phone went dark. Tapping the screen, they typed out another message.

I love you.

Instantly, the message went from delivered to read, telling Sutton that Leo had read their messages but didn’t care. Tears spilled down their cheeks as their phone dropped from their hand to the floor. They could barely see through their tears as their reached for the baggie of pills. Surprisingly their hands were steady as they opened the bag, dumping the handful of pills into their hand. Taking pills had always been a bit of a struggle for them. Still, they took the pills two at a time, taking a sip from their now very flat soda that had been sitting beside their gaming set up for days. Tears still rolled down their cheeks as they swallowed down the last of the pain killers. Taking the last drink from the can, they let it fall to the floor, shivering as they felt some of the pills stick in their throat.

Leaning against the side of their bed, they savoured the feeling of the pain starting to leave their body. Maybe this would be a pleasant experience after all. The song playing though their speakers abruptly cut out as their phone died. But the silence was welcome. The only sound coming from their fan whirling away in the corner. Absently, Sutton wondered if Lucy had gone to sleep. Thinking of their twin caused panic to start to rise in their chest. They didn’t want them to be the one to find them.

Feeling their heart pounding in their ears, they tried to rush to their feet but their movements were slow and lethargic. Their tiny body felt as if they were wearing a weighted suit under water. But they were still determined to get out of their room, to lie down some place else so Lucy wouldn’t be the one to find them. The door might as well have been ten miles away, seeming to get further away with each labored step that Sutton took. By the time they unlocked and got the door open their head was swimming in a way that was no longer comforting. Moments ago, before all of the pills had started to kick in, it was a fuzz feeling. Not unlike when they ate one of Fane’s special cookies at the bonfire. Now it felt like their head was packed with cotton and inside of a fish tank.

As they stumbled through the common area, the feelings got worse. Their stomach started to churn and their fingers were starting to go numb. It took some concentration to get the door to the hall open. But they did, leaning against the wall for a minute before stumbling down the hall. They stumbled over their feet as they walked, holding desperately to the wall as they tried to push past all of the effects of the pills as they tried to get away from their room. A few corners were turned and they climbed some stairs, terrified of the prospect of going down them.

No longer did they feel like they were in the school they called home. None of the surroundings looked familiar as the paint seemed to melt off the walls in thick globs. The shape of the hall warped and twisted, causing them to stumble and crash against a door, sliding down to the ground in defeat. Here would have to be far enough away from Luke. Somebody else be sure to find them.

With a weak groan, they slumped back against the door. The world swirled and swayed underneath them. They let out another groan, feeling their stomach churn, unable to fight the feel of vomit rising in their throat. They couldn’t even move as they started throwing up on themself. Panic started to stab through the numbness and haze as they felt themself starting to throw up again. Had they not taken enough pills? What would happen if they didn’t take enough? Slowly, the world began to grow dark around the edges as they faded out of consciousness. 

[yesyesyoumae]

Isn't it lovely, all alone? → Mae Self-Para

Location →   Fidelia’s apartment (Mae’s grandma)

Date →  March 21, 2019

Summary →  Feeling hopeless, Mae goes to seek comfort in her grandmother.

The façade of the cheery little sunshine that chirped with the Warblettes was long gone. Mae destroyed it, and Suzy exposed it. And honestly? Mae never felt so alone or so lost. Who was she now if she wasn’t the Mae she so carefully crafted? What was the point of her?

Mae didn’t know who to turn to, so, out of desperation, Mae went to her abuela’s. Even though Mae didn’t like to dump any problems on her grandma, she didn’t know who else to go to. Maybe the comfort of her grandma would make Mae a little hopeful that this shitstorm would pass.

So Mae used her keys to step inside her grandmother’s apartment while her grandma was preoccupied watching her telenovelas.

As soon as her grandma beamed at the sight of her and rushed to greet her with a hug, Mae immediately burst into tears as she hugged her grandmother tightly. Concern quickly washed over Fidelia’s face. “Maite, what’s wrong?”

The two sat down on the couch and, for the first time, Mae easily told her grandmother everything that happened since the beginning. Since breaking up with Stacey, to kissing Stevie and realizing her feelings, and finally leading to today. The worst day to talk about.

Mae wasn’t sure what she expected from her grandmother, but she mostly expected comfort. At least for her grandmother—who had always made it her mission to give Mae love and understanding—to hold her and tell her things would eventually smooth over.

Instead, Fidelia pulled away with a disappointed look in her eyes. “Maite, how could you do that? You affected so many people…you…and for what? You only thought about your own feelings selfishly and you didn’t for once think about Stacey or anyone.” Fidelia shook her head. “I didn’t raise you to be this way.”

Fresh tears pooled in Mae’s eyes. “Ma…I—I was just following my heart.”

“Listen to your head too.” Fidelia sighed. “I can’t believe you.”

Tears streamed down Mae’s face. “You’re supposed to take MY side!” Mae exclaimed. “You always take my side. You— “

“Not when you’re becoming your mother.”

Mae stared at her. “What?”

Fidelia sighed heavily. “Your father was a married man when your mother got involved with him.”

Mae’s jaw clenched. Of fucking course she was the product of a fucking affair. Of COURSE. It was almost laughable. “I’m not a cheater.”

“And how do you know it won’t get there?” Fidelia shook her head.

“Because I’m not her! And how can I know who she was if YOU don’t tell me about her OR about my father?” Mae wiped away tears, feeling even worse than earlier. She didn’t even have her grandma’s support. The only person Mae truly leaned on. “And why are you judging me for making mistakes? I did it because I have feelings for Stevie. Even if she doesn’t deserve it. Because I just want somebody to want me.” Mae’s lip quivered. “Because she didn’t. And he didn’t. And you got stuck with me.”

Fidelia reached out to hold Mae’s hand, her face changing to a more sympathetic one. “Mae— “

“No!” Mae ripped her hand away. “It’s true! No one wants me! And now’s your chance to drop me. Now YOU can abandon me!” Mae started crying again. “Now you can leave me, too.”

Fidelia’s eyes teared up. “I just don’t want you to become her. You’re better than her, Maite. You hurt people—you hurt Stacey.”

“You’re not the only one to tell me that, you know? Which is why I needed someone to tell me I’m still a good person.” Mae wiped away tears. “Because I’m not that. At all.”

“You’re not. I just don’t like the person I’m seeing right now. Stacey’s sister, Mae? Why? You could have picked anyone else. Why her?”

Mae shrugged. “I don’t know.” Mae mumbled. “But at least she lets me show her the not-so-perfect side of me. Because I can’t talk to you right now without you looking at me full of judgement. Why? Because I’m not Sunshine Mae? Because you have to see me flawed?” Mae asked.

Fidelia stayed silent for a few moments and Mae hoped it was because she was ready to accept this less-than-lovely version of Mae. Because it existed even when Mae tried to conceal it.

“I think we need a few days apart, mija.”

Mae nodded. “I hear your message loud and clear, ma.” Mae laughed bitterly. “I hear it.”

“Mae, no. I just don’t want us to say things to each other we’ll regret.”

“Too late.” Mae stood up. “Guess I really am alone now. Wow.” Mae started to walk away.

“Maite, wait— “

Mae slammed the door shut and Mae let out a shaky sigh. If not even her grandma could find reasoning in what she did, then Mae was worse than she thought.

She was her mother.

[gaymusicchart]

GAY MUSIC CHART – 2019 week 02

 Sorry for the late this week, due to technical problems of production.

Please notice that we received dozens of suggestions, and it's impossible to present all of them in the same week edition because the video would be too long. We have three months three months late to catch up, so it will take some times. This week, we made the choice to present a lot of Brazilian music videos, to remember to everyone that LGBTQ people must resist to the possible violations of LGBT rights by the new president Jair Bolsonaro.

 Welcome to the Gay Music Chart, the LGBTQA related music videos TOP 50 actuality and most request.

Vote for your favourite LGBTQA related music videos by leaving a comment for this post on :

YOUTUBE (in the comment section of the video of the week) : https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCz7yfp-xq-b08tD6mAWwclA

BLOGGER : http://gaymusicchart.blogspot.fr

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TWITTER : https://twitter.com/GayMusicChart with #GayMusicChart  

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 Here are some partners who also makes LGBT charts or presents some LGBT artists :

https://tadslgbtmusiccharts.blogspot.com/

http://picdeer.com/gaymusicgram

Don’t hesitate to visits their sites !

 Here is the recap for this week :

 01 (NEW) : Calum Scott - "No Matter What"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 01 (x1)

UK - 2018 - from the album "Only Human" (Special Edition)

This really personnal song tells the story of Calum Scott telling his parents he was gay and their reactions of loving him "no matter what". It's a deep and emotional power ballad.

 02 (-) : Calvin Harris, Sam Smith - "Promises" (LW: - / WO: 6 / PEAK: 02)

UK - 2018

 03 (NEW) : Jax Jones, Years & Years - "Play"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 03

UK - 2018 - from the EP "Snacks"

A music video as a Play-doh toy.

 04 (NEW) : Mark Ronson feat. Miley Cyrus - "Nothing Breaks Like a Heart"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 04

USA - 2018

An excellent collab.

 05 (NEW) : Charli XCX & Troye Sivan - "1999"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 05

UK / Australia - 2018

The music video is a real revival of what made the year 1999.

 06 (-) : Years & Years - "All For You"

LW: - / WO: 12 / PEAK: 01 (x1))

UK - 2018 / from the album "Palo Santo"

 07 (-) : Panic! At The Disco - "High Hopes"

LW: - / WO: 4 / PEAK: 06

USA - 2018 / from the album "Pray For The Wicked"

 08 (-) : Peter Wilson & Sean Smith - "Verona"

LW: - / WO: 7 / PEAK: 01 (x2)

UK - 2018 / from the album "The Passion and The Flame"

This awesome cover of the 2017's Estonian Eurovision track from Koit Toome and Laura is produced by Matt Pop.

 09 (NEW) : Theo X - "You Don't Wanna Dance"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 09

Denmark - 2018

In this cute music video, a young teen dares to give an invitation to dance to another boy. Love is love.

 10 (NEW) : Urgence Homophobie - "De l'Amour"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 10

France - 2018

As homophobic attacks have increased by 15% in 2018 in France, 70 French celebrities made this song to fight homophobia.

 11 (NEW) : Openside - "Character Flaws"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 11

New Zealand - 2018

This is their sixth single, but we're still waiting for an album!

 12 (NEW) : Blair St. Clair - "Irresistible"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 12

USA - 2018 - from the EP "Call My Life"

This is the third single of her first EP. Her EP was #1 on Billboard

Dance/Electronic Albums Sales Chart.

 13 (-) : Sam Bluer - "Body High" (LW: - / WO: 8 / PEAK: 03)

Australia - 2018

This is his debut music video. A revelation.

 14 (NEW) : Sam Smith - "Fire On Fire"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 14

UK - 2018 - from the OST "Watership Down"

"Watership Down" is a BBC mini-series adaptation of the book, which tells the story about a warren of rabbits fighting to survive numerous perils as they search for a new home.

 15 (-) : Tiago Braga - Ilusão

LW: - / WO: 19 / PEAK: 06

Portugal - 2018

A story of infidelity.

 16 (NEW) : Smashby - "Under The Sheets"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 16

UK - 2018 - from the EP "Wild One"

This is the second single of the EP "Wild One".

 17 (NEW) : Jeff Carl - "Buried in New York"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 17

USA - 2018

The music video shows the singer living his first months of celibacy in New York but realizing that he hasn’t totally forgotten his previous love relationship.

 18 (NEW) : Kevin Chomat - "La vague"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 18

France - 2018 - from the album "Mon renouveau"

This is the second single taken from his second album.

 19 (NEW) : Jake Shears - "Everything I'll Ever Need"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 19

USA - 2018 - from the album "Jake Shears"

This is the third single of his first solo album.

 20 : Allen King feat. Amor Romeira - "My Boy"

LW: - / WO: 3 / PEAK: 03

Spain - 2018

 21 (NEW) : Halsey - "Without Me"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 21

USA - 2018

Her latest music video has 60 millions views on YouTube.

 22 (NEW) : Troye Sivan and Jónsi - "Revelation" (Lyric video)

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 22

Australia / Iceland - 2018 - from the OST "Boy Erased"

The song was nominated on the 2019 Golden Globe Award for Best Original Song. The movie "Boy Erased" follows the son of Baptist parents who is forced to take part in a gay conversion therapy program.

 23 (NEW) : Michael Medrano - "Love Somebody Else"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 23

USA - 2018

The song was previously presented in our chart, but the music video was only released during our break.

 24 (-) : Greyson Chance - "Good As Gold" 

LW: - / WO: 3 / PEAK: 24

USA - 2018

The song was already in our chart in September, but the music video was released during our break.

 25 (NEW) : morgxn feat. WALK THE MOON - "Home"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 25

USA - 2018

The track is a revamp of morgxn's hit from 2017.

 26 (NEW) : Aaron Yan 炎亞綸 - "Mad Wave of Love"【狂愛潮浪 】

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 26

Taiwan - 2018

This music video is a part of the project "The Rainbow MV Film Project", created by director Zero Chou 周美玲, which wants to fight homophobia and legalizes marriage equality in Taiwan. The lyrics are beautiful. All the traduction in this video : https://youtu.be/tvzCfnyx9f8. A few weeks later its release, Aaron Yan has been outed by a jealous ex-boyfriend who accused him of cheating. It seems that it had bad consequences, because the new releases on YouTube of the famous singer and actor makes 90% less views than before the scandal.

 27 (NEW) : Courtney Act - "Fight For Love"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 27

Australia - 2018

The drag queen is selected with this pride song to "Eurovision - Australia decides", the Australian national selections next 9th February 2019, for the Eurovision Song Contest 2019.

 28 (NEW) : Cub Sport - "Sometimes"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 28

Australia - 2018 - from the album "Sometimes"

This is the first single of their upcoming third album, which will be released the 18th January 2019.

 29 (NEW) : SOFI TUKKER & Pabllo Vittar - "Energia" (Parte 2)

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 29

USA / Brazil - 2018

This featuring with the Brazilian drag queen is way better and energetic than the original version on the album "Treehouse".

 30 (NEW) : Bilal Hassani - "Roi" (Lyrics Video)

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 30

France - 2019

Bilal Hassani is a famous French singer and YouTuber. He has a lot of devoted fans, but also a lot of haters, who bullying him and threatening him to death on social networks. This song, which talks about proud and self esteem, seems to change some people. At first, it made a huge buzz in France and was in the TOP 3 of the French singles sales. Then, several people wrote in the comments section of his video on YouTube that they didn't liked him before because of his manierism and his wiggs, but have changed their minds since they saw this lyric video, because they love the song and respect his courage to face with intolerance and be who he is despite the hate on social networks. Now, he won by far the first semi-final of Destination Eurovision 2019. Will he won the French contest and fly to Tel Aviv in May to represent France at the Eurovision Song Contest ? The answer in two weeks !

 31 (NEW) : Zee Machine - "Dangerous"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 31

USA - 2018 - from the EP "Brainchemistry"

Zee Machine, aka Joe Bissell, released his first EP in April 2018.

 32 (-) : Laganja Estranja feat. J. Tyler - "Look At Me" 

LW: - / WO: 3 / PEAK: 06

USA - 2018

 33 (-) : Cassandre - "Respire"

LW: - / WO: 3 / PEAK: 09

France - 2018 - from the album "Nous"

The French duo will be in concert in Paris the 23rd march 2019, to promote their new album "Nous", which will be released the 15th February 2019.

 34 (NEW) : Boy George & Culture Club - "Life"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 34

UK - 2018 - from the album "Life"

This is the seconf single of their latest album.

 35 (NEW) : LP - "Recovery"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 35

USA - 2018 - from the album "Heart To Mouth"

This is the second single of her latest album.

 36 (NEW) : Pabllo Vittar - "Disk Me"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 36

Brazil - 2018 - from the album "Não Para Não"

She was definitely the most successful drag queen in 2018, due to her large success this year, except in our chart (and we still don't know why).

 37 (NEW) : Echo Black - "Poison Apple"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 37

USA - 2018 - from the album "Dawn"

The queer lead singer of the band is Danny Blu.

 38 (NEW) : Mathew V - "The Coast"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 38

Canada - 2018

The 21 year old singer/songwriter had 10 years of classical operatic vocal training before having more Britsih pop influences in London. His first album "The Fifth" was released in April 2018.

 39 (NEW) : Alex Palmieri - "If That Was You"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 39

Italy - 2018 - from the album "Reset"

A beautiful song about bullying.

 40 (-) : Nacha La Macha - "Eres Cobarde"

LW: - / WO: 11 / PEAK: 03

Spain - 2018

 41 (-) : Cher - "Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight)" [Audio]

LW: - / WO: 8 / PEAK: 03

USA - 2018 / from the album "Dancing Queen"

An ABBA revival, thanks to "Mama Mia 2".

 42 (NEW) : Ria Mae feat. Frank Kadillac - "Hold Me"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 42

Canada - 2018

This featuring isn't on her album "Under Your Skin" from 2011.

 43 (-) : Man Meadow - "Play It Loud"

LW: - / WO: 5 / PEAK: 14

Sweden - 2018

 44 (-) : Chris(tine and the Queens) - "5 dollars" 

LW: - / WO: 5 / PEAK: 15)

France - 2018 / from the album "Chris"

 45 (NEW) : Leo Kalyan - "Focus"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

UK - 2018 - from the album "The Edge"

The queer artist was recently dubbed by Billboard as one of "10 LGBTQ Artists To Watch This Fall". We were already convinced when we heard his cover of "Jesus To a Child" from George Michael in 2017.

 46 (RE-ENTRY) : Hoshi - "Ta marinière"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 39

France - 2018 - from the album "Il suffit d'y croire"

This track was a big success in France, but it hasn't had success in our chart, even with this bisexual themed music video. A few weeks, ago, the 22 years old singer has been outed by French magazine Paris Match: she didn't appreciate that.

 47 (NEW) : Dani Ride - "No Existe Nada"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 47

2018 - Chile

This is the latest single of the Chilean Youtuber.

 48 (NEW) : Christine and the Queens - "La marcheuse"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 48

France - 2018 - from the album "Chris"

Her concert of December 2018 was also schedules on French TV.

 49 (NEW) : Lady Gaga & Bradley Cooper - "Shallow"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 49

USA - 2018 - from the OST "A Star Is Born"

This song won the Golden Globe for Best Original Song 2018. The movie is about seasoned musician Jackson Maine (Bradley Cooper) discovers-and falls in love with-struggling artist Ally (Gaga). She has just about given up on her dream to make it big as a singer - until Jack coaxes her into the spotlight. But even as Ally's career takes off, the personal side of their relationship is breaking down, as Jack fights an ongoing battle with his own internal demons.

 50 (NEW) : Janelle Monáe - "Crazy, Classic, Life"

LW: - / WO: 1 / PEAK: 50

USA - 2018 - from the album "Dirty Computer"

This is the fifth single of her latest album. It's actually #1 on the Top 40 #LGBT Urban Charts.

   NEW THIS WEEK

 Queen - "Bohemian Rhapsody"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

UK - 2018 - from the OST "Bohemian Rhapsody"

The biopic of Freddie Mercury is the most successful musical biopic of all time with more than 700 millions dollars worldwide. It has won two Golden Globe 2018 for Best Motion Picture – Drama, and Best Performance by an actor in a motion Picture – Drama, for Rami Malek.

 Bilal Hassani - "Roi" (live @ Destination Eurovision 2019 - 1st semi-final)

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

France - 2019

Bilal Hassani won by far the first semi-final of Destination Eurovision 2019 with 115 points, almost the double of the score of the second contestant Chimène Badi, and won the votes of the public and the international juries. Will he won the final ? Let's watch first the second semi-final next week, with our dear Emmanuel Moire with "La promesse".

 Federica Abbate - "Finalmente"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Italy - 2018

This song came second in the first part of the Sanremo Giovani 2018 Music Festival for emergent artists. The lyrics talk about a love relationship badly judged by the entourage. If the lyrics aren't specifically gay, the music video is, with the portrayal of a young man who comes out to his father who rejects him in return. So, the young man can only be reconforted by his boyfriend and his friends. Until... Beautiful.

 Valentina vs. Monét X Change - "Into You" (lipsync - RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars 4 )

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

USA - 2018

Drag queen Valentina had her revenge, after her fail in 2017 for not knowing the words on RPDR season 9, and has brilliantly won her lipsync challenge on another song of Ariana Grande.

 Tuure Boelius - "Naiivi"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Finland - 2018

What a year for the 18 years old Finnish YouTuber : this is his fourth song to chart in the Finnish singles charts (at #7) ; he reaches more then 150.000 subscribers on YouTube ; he came third in Tanssii Tähtien Kanssa, the Finnish version of Strictly Come Dancing ; he featured in short series "Mä voin selittää kaiken" ; and he won the prize of Young European of the year 2018 by Eurooppanuoret.

 Eddy de Pretto - "Grave"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

France - 2019 - from the album "Culte"

The queer rapper was definitely the best new French artist revealed in 2018. He's praised for his lyrics by public and critics. This song has brilliant lyrics - for adults due to the sexual content - which tell that it doesnt matter to have homosexual desires.

 Allen King - "Mejor Me Quedo Solo"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Spain - 2019

After the success of his previous single "Boy", here the new single of the famous pornstar. Shake your bon bon on this sensual rythm !

 Fangoria feat. Ms Nina y King Jedet - "¿De qué me culpas?"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Spain - 2018 - from the album "Extrapolaciones y dos preguntas"

This new single is taken from their upcoming album, for their 30 years of career and success of the Spanish duo.

 Kerstin Ott & Helene Fischer - "Regenbogenfarben" (live @ Die Helene Fischer Show 2018)

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Germany - 2018

The duet cover of this song has a higher success than the original version in the German and the Swiss charts.  

 Westlife - "Hello My Love"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Ireland - 2019

The members are reunited after a break of 6 years and a half !

 Cub Sport - "Party Pill"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Australia - 2019 - from the album "Cub Sport"

Their new album will be released on 18th January 2019.

 Troye Sivan - "Lucky Strike"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Australia - 2019 - from the album "Bloom"

Another pop love song from the sweetest prince of this chart.  

 Leland - "Middle Of A Heartbreak"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

USA - 2018

Brett Leland McLaughlin, known professionally as Leland, is an American singer, songwriter, record producer, composer and lecturer, most known for composing most of the songs of Troye Sivan. Wishing him the same success as Troye.

 王��琪 Takki Wong -【我的愛沒有錯】"My Love isn't Wrong"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Taiwan - 2018

This is another song from "The Rainbow MV Film Project" which fights homophobia in Taiwan. In this MV against gender stereotypes, people wear a dress to support a young kid who loves playing with dolls.

 Huh Gak (허각) - "Empty words" (흔한 이별)

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

South Korea - 2018

In this music video, a young woman is sad that a man begins to date the woman she loves.

 JAURIM (자우림) - 자우림(JAURIM) - "Yes" (있지)

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

South Korea - 2018

An excellent song with a tragic lesbian love story plot for the music video.

 Boy Sompob / บอย สมภพ feat. Catchy Band - 【นานานา】"Nanana"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Thailand - 2018 - from the album "Why I Love you" (OST. Love By Chance series)

 J. Tyler feat. James Shealy - "Dance With Me"  

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

USA - 2018 - from the EP "Prelude"

This is taken from his first EP.

 Lizzo - "Juice"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

USA - 2018

 Janelle Monáe feat. Zoë Kravitz - "Screwed"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

USA - 2019 - from the album "Dirty Computer"

 Sam Tsui - "A Million Pieces"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

USA - 2018 - from the album "Trust"

 Matt Bloyd and Colton Haynes - "A Million Dreams"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

USA - 2018

 GoldNation featuring Sir Ari Gold - "NGOR Radio"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

USA - 2018 - from the album "Soundtrack to Freedom"

 Scott Free - "We Honor The Dead" (World Martyrs)

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

USA - 2019

A tribute to engaged LGBTQ men and women who died while defending LGBTQ Rights around the world.

 Mateus Carrilho - "Não Nega"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Brazil - 2018 - from the EP "Não Nega"

 Davi feat. Jade Baraldo - "De Boa"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Brazil - 2018 - from the album "Quando"

This is his third single of his solo career.

 Jaloo feat. Lucas Santtana - "Cira, Regina e Nana"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Brazil - 2018

 Silva - "Duas da Tarde"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Brazil - 2018 - from the album "Brasileiro"

 Lia Clark feat. DJ Thai - "Tu aguenta"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Brazil - 2018 - from the album "É da Pista"

 Cais - "Estrada"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Brazil - 2018

 Johnny Hooker & Gaby Amarantos - "Corpo Fechado"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Brazil - 2018 - from the album "Coração"

 Quebrada Queer - "Pra Quem Duvidou"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Brazil - 2018 - from the EP "Ser"

The queer band raps again about homophobia.

 Lali feat. Pabllo Vittar - "Caliente"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Brazil - 2018 - from the album "Brava"

 Davi Cíntori feat. Kaya Conky - "Vai quebrar"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Brazil - 2018

 Mohan - "Tudo Entre Nós Dois"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Brazil - 2018

 Fiákra feat. Paulo Amaro & Pocs Crew - Legado

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Brazil – 2019

 Paulo Amaro - "Ressaca"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Brazil - 2018 - from the album "Mar"

 Gloria Groove - "Coisa Boa"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

Brazil - 2018

 Wrabel - "First Winter"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

USA - 2018

A sweet love song for Christmas.

 Sam Tsui & Casey Breves - "Cold Hands"

LW: - / WO: - / PEAK: -

USA - 2018

A Christmas duet with the IRL couple.