#🔫🖤.s/i [Rival Mercenaries AU]

[circusgoth-dotcom]

The Most Annoying Man I've Ever Met

Ship: Wade Wilson x Gabriel MacHammer (Rival Mercenaries AU)

Word Count: 1217

Summary: Deadpool and Black Death have the same target in mind when it comes to making some cash. CWs for suggestive themes throughout, Wade being Wade, alcohol references, violence, brief blood/gore mentions, murder.

Tag List: @canongf @futurewife

It was Masquerade Night at the Black Rain Nightclub, and as badly as Gabriel had wanted to dress elaborately, he had dressed practically and appropriately for his job instead. He supposed his “uniform” still technically fit the event's theme, as he hid his identity behind a mask modelled after that of a crow’s skull, but that was beside the point.

Given the choice, he would’ve gone all out. Alas, he had a contract to fulfil tonight, and something lacy and alluring would’ve only gotten in the way.

He was watching his target from the opposite side of the club, fiddling absently with one of his pockets, when he suddenly sensed a presence to his left. Subtly glancing over, he spotted a familiar black and red suit.

“Deadpool,” Gabriel acknowledged respectfully. The merc whipped his head around as if he hadn’t purposefully stood beside them and gasped.

“BD!!” He squealed excitedly and threw his arms around them, to their slight disgruntlement. “What brings your cute little ass here??”

“I could ask you the same question, minus the comment about my-slash-your ass.” They coolly pried him off of them, returning their gaze back to their target.

“Awhh, you know you love my ass. Anyway, maybe I’m just here because I wanted to get a discount since I’m always in maskerahd.” He indicated his mask as he emphasized the word masquerade in a poor, vaguely French accent. Gabriel glanced at him again.

“Unlikely, considering you’re armed.”

Deadpool silently laughed at their observation before sighing dramatically. “Okay, fine, since you so easily saw past my brilliant ruse- is that one of your superpowers?? Anyway, I’m chasing a bounty.”

“What a coincidence, I’m currently pursuing a contract.”

“No way, that’s nuts. Hey, maybe it’s a sign! Can I get you a drink, my fine gentleman?” Deadpool winked and bowed, gazing eagerly at Gabriel with his empty white voids.

“And have my identity leaked to the public when I ultimately have to take my mask off to drink it? Thanks, but I’m not falling for it.”

He groaned. “Oh, you’re no fun. If you don’t want a drink, how about we just skip to it, then?”

“Skip to what…?”

He then leaned seductively against the wall. “How does you, me, a pizza, and a kingsized bed on Friday night sound to you, schnookums?~”

Gabriel stared at him for a long moment. “You don’t strike me as a man who even owns a kingsize bed. You have an extra large twin mattress at the least.”

“If I stole a bigger bed would you do it??”

"I'd rather go at it alone."

"I mean, hey, that's cool, I don't judge what gets people off. Can I watch?"

Gabriel scoffed, restraining himself from slapping his fellow hitman. "Gods, you're worse than a gnat. I always see you and I can't do anything about it. The answer is no, Deadpool, and it will always be no."

They turned back toward their target, who had begun to walk away from the bar. "Shit!"

"How do you know I'm not devilishly handsome under this mask?!" Deadpool called as Gabriel sped off, quickly following him.

"Piss off, you'll blow my cover!"

He looked over Gabriel’s head and toward the man they were now both chasing. "Hey, that's my bounty!"

Gabriel's eyes widened behind his mask. "No, that's my target! I was hired specifically to execute him!"

"Well, I guess a couple of people want him dead because I just saw an advertisement and wanted to claim some cash! No interview necessary!"

Gabriel growled in annoyance as he followed his target out the backdoor of the club, Deadpool hot on his heels.

“I’m getting the money.”

“I’d let you have it if I didn’t need to pay off several months' worth of rent! Besides, aren’t you like the golden child of the mercenary world? Your dad can pay you what you’ll be missing out on.”

“It’s my responsibility to carve out my own path, now. He wouldn’t pay me shit, he’d just be disappointed.” With that, Gabriel removed his fold-out staff from his belt, extended it, and gave Deadpool a hearty jab to the stomach, briefly slowing him down. As they moved forward, he crumbled, coughing and rubbing his midsection as he tried to keep up.

“Hey, wait!” He wheezed, “I-I’ll suck you off if you let me have this!! Please!!!”

Gabriel didn’t bother responding, too far ahead now and too close to securing his contract. He was following his target down an alley, now, and halted when he came to a sudden stop. They ducked behind a dumpster as he removed a box of cigarettes from his pocket. Their fingers twitched at the sight. Holding their breath, they snuck forward as the man stopped for a smoke. It was now or never--

A shot rang out, missing the man by several feet and causing him to run. Gabriel hopped up, looking back at the encroaching Deadpool.

“You useless fucking assmuncher, now neither of us are going to get paid!”

“I wouldn’t have missed if you hadn’t hit me with that metal stick!”

“It’s a staff and I should be shoving it down your throat right now for what you’ve cost me!”

“God, that’s kind of hot… bad Deadpool, focus! Well don’t let him get away!”

And off they were sprinting again, though it was much harder to catch up with a target that knew he was in trouble.

“I know a shortcut!” Deadpool announced happily as they reached the main road, barely glimpsing where the man was running next.

“So do I,” Gabriel responded less joyfully as he ran a large dagger through the back of the mercenary’s head. He knew the wound wouldn’t last long, but it would at least keep him from progressing too quickly.

“Motherfucker!”

Swiftly removing the blade from his skull, Gabriel continued after his target, climbing up the fire escape of a nearby building to get a better view from its roof. It didn’t take long to find the man attempting to hail a cab. Leaping across buildings, Gabriel began his strategic descent until he was practically on top of the man.

“Hello Moto,” they greeted with sadistic amusement before leaping down onto the sidewalk and wrapping their exposed hands around the man’s neck. He gasped for air and attempted to pry them away, but the moment their skin had made contact with his, it was over. Black, spidery veins pulsed up and down his neck as the colour drained from his face and his mouth contorted in a silent scream. When they released him, he fell like a brick. Breathing heavily and slightly sweaty from the adrenaline rush, Gabriel retrieved his phone and his personal copy of the paper contract he had signed. He placed the paper beside the man’s head and took a photo, texting it to his client, before pocketing his items and looking up and down the street. Seeing no bystanders, he slipped into a nearby alley and took off his mask, gratefully inhaling the cool night air.

“Wow, you’re even sexier without that mask.” A highly unwanted voice had reached his ears. Deadpool had caught up with him, a profusely bleeding hole still closing between his eyes. He giggled in a loopy manner. “Same can’t be said for me, unfortunately.”